Original subtitles

- Um, pardon me, would it be a bother...? - Go away.

I'm sorry, it's just that I'm involved in the next case...

...and I was wondering if there was anything I should know before it starts.

Yes, you have what appears to be a bushel of spinach...

...wedged between your two front teeth.

Whoops. Heh-heh.

That's always happening with this thing.

That's the Yogi Berra model, isn't it?

- Lf you'll excuse me, Mrs? - Oh, Douglas.

- But it's Miss, I'm single. - Did I mention my war wound?

All rise.

Criminal court part two, city of New York, is now in session.

The Honorable Harold T. Stone running things.

- Running things? - I'm on a variety kick.

You may be perched.

First case, Your Honor. People v. Wilbur Posten.

Assault.

Allegedly hit Mr. Mervyn Jenkins, a limousine driver, with a horse whip.

Ah, spare the rod, spoil the chauffeur, eh, Mr. Posten?

- Do I have to laugh? - Legally, no.

Mr. Jenkins was driving a limousine down Central Park West...

...when Mr. Posten and his horse-drawn carriage...

...failed to make it through a yellow light.

I assaulted the man all right, but he killed my Buttermilk.

And you know something, she would have been 20, uh...

Let's see, one, two, three.

She would have been 24 in the spring.

Did you ever consider retiring her, Mr. Posten?

No. My Buttermilk didn't know the meaning of the word quit.

Apparently, "whoa" was left out of her repertoire as well.

Your Honor, may I come forward?

If it's relevant to the case.

Oh.

My employer, Your Honor. Miss Patty Douglas.

The Patty Douglas?

The Patty Douglas whose father owns 28 shopping centers...

...62 hotels and a small town in Ohio?

Yes, sir. That's the heir to $40 million.

Lying sprawled all over the floor there.

- I thought of something that might help. - You did?

Listen, I feel so sorry about your horse.

I was wondering if it might make things better...

...if I gave you another one out of our stables?

- Well... - I'll make it a racing thoroughbred.

You can call him Mr. Lucky.

- It's a gelding. - Scratch that.

Lady, you got a deal.

Fine. What about the charges, Mr. Jenkins?

Oh, well. We can forget about those.

- Can't we, Jenkins? - Oh, yes.

I'm sure the flogging was just all in good fun.

Terrific. Case dismissed.

- Miss Douglas. Yes?

About that war wound...

- Oh, yes. - It's all the way down at my ankle.

Pity leash laws don't apply to men.

Actually, I think Dan's showing a little more restraint than usual.

Sure, five whole seconds and we haven't seen his tongue.

She asked me out to dinner.

- Are you gonna go? - No.

She's a graceless social error. She'd be a public embarrassment.

- You'll take her to your place. - Yes.

So the porpoise said, "What? And lose my Diners Club card?"

That's the joke.

Ah, so it is.

Sometimes I even make myself laugh.

Maybe you should swallow the cottage cheese first.

Boy, it is so obvious what he's doing with her.

Yeah.

What?

Bull, Dan is flat broke, Patty has $40 million.

You figure it out for yourself.

He's gonna stick her with the check, isn't he?

This may require visual aids.

Well, Patty, you're getting to be quite a regular around here, aren't you?

- What is it? About two weeks now? - Mm-hm.

Well, Dan just can't stand to be away from me...

...and I can't resist my little monkey.

An affectionate term referring to my playful attitude.

Actually, it's that little eek-eek sound you make when we...

Well, yeah, right.

Oh, would you look? Harry's food is getting all cold.

By golly, you're right. See you later.

Cute couple, huh?

Don't tell me you approve of what he's doing.

What, eating lunch?

There's more, Harry.

Think check.

I mean, the way he is manipulating her affections.

You know he would not be seen with her if she wasn't so rich.

Oh, I'm not so sure Dan is just after her money.

Maybe he's attracted to the way she dresses.

Or the way she smiles all the time.

Or the way tartar sauce dribbles down her chin.

Kind of puts money back on top, doesn't it, sir?

All right, that's it for the warrants. Let's get started.

Oh, Dan, you are such a scream.

Listen, I think you're exceeding the state noise pollution levels.

Have I told you how much I love your eyes?

And your nose.

The way it just sort of leads all the way down to your mouth.

I love your mouth. Have I told you how much I love your mouth?

Yes.

Would you sit down? I gotta go to work.

- Okay. - Come on.

Dan, aren't you forgetting something?

Yes. Phil, Patty, Patty, Phil.

I apologize for being late. It won't happen again, I was...

Having your face immortalized?

Let's be thankful she stopped there.

Let's. Mac?

First case, Your Honor, People v. Candy Kane.

Solicitation for prostitution.

Defense pleads guilty, request usual fine and time served.

Does the state have any objection?

Why should I? I know what I'm getting into.

That question again?

Read my lips, Dan.

Does the state object to fine and time served?

Well, no. You think I should? I mean...

...it is when you think of it my decision...

Why don't I just check these notes? Because I'm not sure.

I'll take that as a no. Fifty-dollar fine and time served.

Dan? Dan.

- What's wrong? - Nothing.

What's on my mind is a very personal and private matter...

...and with all due respect, none of the court's business.

He and Patty are getting married.

I've never been good with secrets.

- You ordered champagne? - Yeah.

- He's getting married. - Congratulations.

- Go away or I'll kill you. - Got it.

Look, screw top for easy removal.

Dan, are you okay?

- I can barely eat anymore. - That's because you're nervous.

That's because she takes all the food off my plate.

- Hey, there's the lucky groom. - Yeah, hey.

Let the good times roll.

Hi, Dan. We just wanted to come by and congratulate you.

And here's a little something for the occasion.

Oh, Mac. You didn't have to.

I mean that.

Hey, how about a toast, huh? Good idea, sir.

Gotta have one, absolutely.

Uh...

Uh...

To Dan.

I'm overwhelmed.

Oh, yeah, why spend extra for the carbonated stuff, huh?

Yoo-hoo!

I got you a present too, Dan.

Something wild and exciting. An exotic dancer.

She's from the Anything Goes agency, no telling what to expect.

Hi.

I'm Phyllis.

And I'm here to...

"Drive you into a frenzy of uncontrollable desire."

Who's Dan?

This is from Bull.

- So, Phyllis, is this your regular job? - Part-time.

I make a few extra bucks when the kids are in school or at Scout meetings.

Couldn't find any socks, huh?

And no touching.

Finish your celery, it's good for you.

Well, I got some needlepoint to catch up on, so...

We're in this together.

Shh. Now it gets really hot.

- Dan Fielding? Yeah?

I'm Patty's father.

Mr. Douglas, it's a pleasure to meet you, sir. A pleasure.

This is Harry and Mac and Bull.

And my sister Phyllis.

Hey, Phyllis, that's great, that's great.

Okay, come on, come on.

I think the guys at the VA are gonna love that, all right?

Now, listen, if you see Mom and Dad, you tell them that I said hi, okay?

And I love them.

They tell me to expect this sort of thing when men reach their sexual boiling point.

- Who's your friend, Mr. Douglas? - Biff, he carries my money when I work.

And to think I've been using a wallet all this time.

All right, let's not waste time. I've had you investigated.

I investigate every man that wants my daughter, Patty.

Of course, it's not something I have to do very often.

But of all the men I've investigated, you are the bottom of the barrel.

You are nothing but a low-level, penniless government employee.

And of course, there's that little matter of the den mother in Buffalo.

I was just showing her some knots, I swear.

Mr. Douglas, your daughter is over 21 years of age.

And if she wants to marry Dan Fielding...

...it's probably legal.

We're talking about my daughter, my one and only child.

The one who I love most in the world.

- I'm going to marry her. - She's a lump.

Nevertheless, she's going to be my lump.

I'll give you $20,000 to leave her alone.

- How much? - Thirty thousand.

- I'm sorry, l... - Forty thousand.

- I beg your pardon... - Fifty thousand, that's my final offer.

Sir, I believe you should leave the premises.

That is my final offer.

- Close the briefcase, Biff. - Just one more little peek.

A man who can't be bought.

Your kind makes me sick. Let's go, Biff.

Oh. And if I find out you slept with her, it is Soprano City.

He means it too.

I don't get it. Half a glass of champagne, and we're all sick.

That is the last time I drink anything...

...with "made in Dubuque" on the label.

Billie, please. Have a little respect for the dead.

I can't believe you went out and celebrated this travesty.

I don't know if "celebrated" actually catches the true spirit of the evening.

We drank some bad champagne.

Patty's dad came by and offered Dan $50,000...

...not to go through with the marriage.

And the best we could do for entertainment was the Beaver's mother in a halter top.

Good little dancer, though.

Dan was offered $50,000 to call the wedding off?

Yeah, and he turned it down.

He did?

Well, wait a minute, of course he turned it down.

He's waiting for the big score. The whole 40 million.

That's not true.

I'm sorry, Dan, but it is true.

You're marrying this girl for one reason. You want the money.

Is that what you think?

Is that what you all think?

- No way. - No, of course not.

- Well, yeah. - Sort of.

Okay, okay, I admit it, that in the beginning it was the 40 million.

But over the past two weeks, something has happened.

Interest has accumulated.

Won't anyone around here give me a break?

Bail reports.

One for Harry, one for Billie.

And one for the sleaze puppy.

Yeah, okay, okay, I get the picture.

And I even understand why you feel this way.

I'm not saying there aren't differences.

Socially, she's a little underprivileged.

But when we're alone, I feel good, very good.

Relaxed, wanted and accepted.

You know that crazy stuff that we all carry around inside of us?

That stuff that eats holes in your brain and churns at your insides?

That stuff that you know you cannot possibly tell another living human being?

I can tell her.

And she listens, and she understands.

And she says it's all right.

It's all right.

And it is.

Poof. Just like your magic, Harry, she makes my problems disappear...

...my anxieties subside. God's in his heaven, all is right with the world.

There's no way to go but up, look for the silver lining.

I'll be damned if that's not what every one of us is looking for.

And I just happened to find mine, so the best of luck to the rest of you.

Ladies and gentlemen, a small peek into the guts of Dan Fielding.

No cover, no minimum.

I'm sorry, Dan. I feel like...

Slug slime?

Well, if you'll excuse me...

...l'm going to have lunch with my fianc�e.

Wanna go first or should we all jump together?

- Hi. - Sorry I'm late.

That's all right. I have just been sitting here giving thought to our honeymoon.

Dan, we have to talk.

Okay, you wanna pick the place we go on the honeymoon.

Since you're paying for it, I guess it's fair.

Dan, Daddy threatened to cut off my money if I go ahead with this marriage.

Cut it off? So you didn't tell him we've been fooling around?

Dan...

He is absolutely serious.

He would do that to keep us apart?

He doesn't understand that what we have together...

...is too strong to be ruined by something as base as money.

No, it isn't.

I beg your pardon?

Dan, I can't marry you.

What? You're talking crazy.

Are you hungry? Come on, have some zucchini.

Dan, can you imagine me without money?

Come on, I don't know how to do anything.

Like what?

Live.

I don't know how to organize kitchen help.

I don't know which fork to use for the salad.

I don't even know the difference between whip and pur�e.

One is a cooking term.

Don't you understand? I just can't make it.

You can try.

I did try once, and I almost died.

- Died? - Yeah.

I got mad at Daddy and ran away from home.

- Did you have to live on the streets? - No.

Jenkins drove me to our condo in the Hamptons.

My God.

And when I got there, I didn't have any money.

And all that was in the house was canned food.

And I didn't know how to work the electric can opener.

I mean, I know it sounds ridiculous, but I could've starved.

- You have me to open your cans now. - Dan, you don't understand, I love you...

...but I'm just too scared to live without money.

I can't do it, I never learned how.

You are really terrified, aren't you?

I'm seeing a shrink.

Listen, maybe someday I'll...

Learn how to use a can opener?

Yeah.

Goodbye, Dan.

Patty...

I'll get the tip.

I'll miss you.

- Hey, Dan, how's it going? - Oh, fine, fine, couldn't be better.

Oh, did I mention the wedding's off?

Her dad threatened to cut off her money if she went through with the marriage.

I told her we didn't need the money.

And she called it off?

Yeah. I finally found someone weaker than me.

Dan, I'm sorry.

I know this isn't much consolation...

...but you did have 14 wonderful days with that girl.

Which is roughly 13 more than you've ever had with anyone else.

Harry, as far as pep talks go, that blows chunks.

Hi, Dan, I haven't seen you for weeks. You were supposed to call.

- Sorry. - You can make it up by taking me to lunch.

No, no, no, I can't, I can't.

I've just been through a devastating emotional experience...

...and I'm going to need a sufficient amount of time to get back on my feet.

So how about a late dinner?

It's not like a close family member died or anything.

Sure, for that, she'd have to wait until breakfast.

Yeah, come on, Selma. Seeing somebody in mourning really brings me down too.

Harry... It's all right.