Original subtitles

- Hey, guys. Hey, Bull.

Look what Tanya gave me for Valentine's Day.

Drill bits.

And they say romance is dead.

What did you get, Dan?

Valentine's Day is a crass and exploitive display...

...by a cynical and narcissistic culture.

Nothing, huh?

Women who interest me wouldn't write valentines.

Even if they knew how.

Fact is, I'm flat broke and women are ignoring me, okay?

They've come to expect that a romantic evening might mean...

...anything from Peking duck and champagne to...

Sodium pentothal.

It was a root canal. She needed a lift home.

One thing led to...

You were guessing, weren't you?

- Selma, happy Valentine's Day. Aww.

Harry, it's beautiful.

- What do I owe you? Oh.

Selma.

A dollar.

- What's that, sir? - Got this for Billie.

This just happens to be the hot Valentine's Day item:

Cookie on a stick.

You have no idea how much trouble I went through to get this.

- Hi, guys. - Hi.

Hi.

Look what David got me.

Imagine that.

Looks like this David thing's getting serious.

Who knows?

What does he do?

Everything I like.

You don't have to draw me any pictures.

Unless, of course, you want to.

Billie, I believe the question was what does he do for a living?

Oh. Oh. Well, he's in public relations. Before that, he sailed solo around the world.

Before that, he was full professor at Harvard.

And before that, he was a test pilot in the Navy.

Can't hold a job.

- Guess who. David.

How about dinner tonight when you're through?

Thought you had a reception at city hall tonight.

Oh, I'll duck out early. Ed will understand.

Excuse us.

What's he got that I haven't got?

Do you want it alphabetically or in order of importance?

Aww. Champagne. You are so sweet, but I can't.

I have to go back to work.

I know. That's why it's sparkling apple cider.

You think of everything.

I am thinking of everything right now.

Low degree of difficulty cost you a couple of tenths.

The usual.

Selma, can I ask you a personal question?

- No. - God, I love your wit.

Selma, do you have any idea how I feel?

My pulse is racing, my flesh is tingling, my palms are sweating.

Sounds like subdural hematoma.

It's you, Selma.

I have to know once and for all where I stand.

There's a limit even to my understanding and patience.

- For example... - Go away, Bernie.

I'm sorry, Selma, but I have to give you an ultimatum.

I need the answer to a simple question.

Do we have a future together?

Don't answer. Take till midnight.

If at midnight the answer is still no, fine.

I'll sell the stand, I'll leave forever...

...a broken and pathetic man.

But before I do...

Here.

Happy Valentine's Day.

What is it?

It's a videotape machine.

Mm-hm. Wireless remote, fast-forward scan, slo-mo, six-month warranty.

This is not romantic, Bernie.

It is if we watch this.

"Retirement Home of Lust"?

I hear the bocce-ball scene is wild.

Excuse me. I got a message for a Billie Young.

First desk on the left.

This is temporary. I'm really a novelist.

Billie Young?

Yeah?

This is from David.

Oh, you beautiful doll

You great, big beautiful doll

If you ever leave me How my heart would ache

I wanna hug you but I fear you'll break

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, you beautiful doll

Never seen anything like that before in my life.

God did, the day before the flood.

Wasn't that cute?

The singing heart? Oh, yeah, darling.

Nothing like a little aortal caroling to get the old toes tapping, huh?

- Slug. - Cardiovascular freak.

Next case, Your Honor. People v. Mr. And Mrs. Shelton.

- Take it easy with the suit, young fellow. - Doesn't fit you, anyway.

Shut up.

I will not. You make me.

Here you go, sir.

They tried to escape twice.

We're feisty.

I can see that. Mr. Prosecutor?

Yes, sir. The defendants were arrested for disturbing the peace at a local eatery...

...after they turned over the salad bar and assaulted each other...

...with baby tomatoes, the three-bean salad and lettuce tongs.

The Sheltons' children threw them a 65th anniversary party...

...and things got out of hand.

I didn't know she was gonna be there.

Sixty-fifth anniversary?

That's lead.

If I had a gun, I'd give Mr. Shelton a little present.

Pardon the presumption, but I'm getting the impression...

...that you lived through 65 years of marital...

Agony.

Thanks. Why?

We were waiting for the children to die.

- Not that we wanted them to die, of course. - Of course.

It's just that divorce can be so damaging.

We were only thinking of the boys.

- The boys? - Little Freddie will be 64 in April.

And the baby just retired.

This would kill him.

I have no reason to doubt that.

Thirty days.

And, Mr. Bernstein...

...the next time you deliver valentines, wear pants.

What's next, Mac?

People v. Towers, Your Honor.

Towers, that's funny. You know, that's the last name of my...

David?

The defendant, Your Honor.

What?

All right, this is a joke. That's funny. You guys are all in on this, right? Ha-ha-ha.

The charge is grand larceny.

Pickpocketing.

Listen, I may be a little late tonight.

He's got a dozen priors. Two convictions.

Well, this is just a mix-up and I'm sure there's a rational explanation.

Go ahead, tell him, David.

Tell Judge Stone that there's a simple explanation.

- There's a simple explanation. - See?

I'm a criminal.

That would explain it.

You're a criminal.

You lied to me.

We do that. I'm sorry.

You see? He said he's sorry.

Miss Young, I'm afraid I have no choice but to disqualify you from this case.

- Miss Young? - This isn't happening.

I'm dreaming.

That's it. This is a dream.

Billie.

It's not a particularly pleasant dream.

- Say, Billie, why don't you...? - You stay away from me or I'll jump.

I think she's bluffing.

I mean, a guy appears to make a little mistake, you know? Heh-heh.

And all of a sudden, it's like everybody gets all excited...

...like they think he's Al Capone or something.

Well, look what he did on Valentine's Day.

But what am I talking about? This is a dream.

And I can wake up anytime I want.

At least she's taking it well.

Yeah?

They can't seem to find her anywhere in the building.

Poor thing.

She's probably wandering aimlessly through the streets...

...the cruel wind whipping mercilessly across her chafed little face...

...dogs nipping at her heels.

Hi, guys.

Or not.

Stunning imagery, though, sir.

Oh, well, uh, excuse me. Uh...

I've got some labels to lick.

I heard you were looking for me.

Yeah. How you doing?

You want some coffee or tea or something? I think we've got a box of croutons.

Harry, I'm fine, thanks.

You sure seem chipper.

I took a long brisk walk, did some thinking...

...ripped all the wallpaper off my apartment.

- Feel better? - Yeah.

I was planning on redecorating, anyway.

Guess I kind of freaked out for a couple of hours.

That's natural, Billie. You had a tremendous shock.

Don't get much bigger, that's for sure.

What are you gonna do now?

You don't stop loving a person because they have a bad habit.

Bad habit?

Billie, we're not talking about somebody who picks his toes.

This guy is a habitual criminal.

Well, maybe he just can't help himself.

That's what habitual means.

I love him, Harry, and I'm not gonna just walk away.

We had some great times together.

- So did we. - Beg your pardon?

Hey, you remember that time when we were tied together at gunpoint on my birthday?

No.

No?

- Bail reports, Your Honor. - How do you forget something like that?

We were bound hand and foot, our bodies tightly pressed together.

Uh, Sidney Sheldon, The Other Side of Midnight.

- What is it, Bull? - Bail reports.

- Eat them. - Okay.

I'm sorry, Harry. My mind's on other things.

I'm gonna go down to the holding cell, okay?

Billie...

- Be careful. - I'll try.

Thanks for caring.

I used a pair of extra-large handcuffs on him. Less chafing.

- Thank you too. Mm.

"The Other Side of Midnight"?

Gorky Park?

Come here often?

Heh. Not as a rule. Bad for business.

Tell me you can change and we'll forget your business.

- I can't change. - That's not what I told you to say.

- Hey, calm down. - Calm down?

I find out that the man of my dreams is Butch Cassidy...

...and you tell me to calm down?

Butch Cassidy, now that's funny.

Stop being funny and charming.

- Billie, look at me. - Nope.

You have bars all over your face.

Billie.

What?

It's over.

What's over?

Us.

We had some laughs, let's just leave it at that.

Laughs? Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Laughs, huh? Did you hear this?

Biff the Wonder Stud here just informed me that our whole relationship...

...consists of nothing more than giving each other a few good chuckles.

That's not what I meant.

Okay, I forgive you.

What we've gotta do is to find you some really good psychiatric help.

Look, it is just not going to work out.

- Give me one good reason why not. - I'm a criminal, you're a lawyer.

So? Two-career couples are very fashionable these days.

- You don't understand. I want out. Yeah, I want out too.

No, no, no.

- I mean out of the relationship. Aww.

You want out of the relationship?

Oh, you.

Oh, you had me going for a minute there. I almost thought you were serious.

I am serious.

You said you loved me.

If I loved you, I'd change for you, wouldn't I?

Yeah, I guess you would.

No hard feelings?

No, no hard feelings.

- But, David... - Goodbye.

You stole my heart, kid.

Yeah, that's what criminals do.

Don't ask. This isn't my day.

I get into a fight for a cab on Broadway and they throw the book at me.

Look.

My heart is broken.

You couldn't resist, could you?

It's not what you think, fellows.

So how about dinner, Stephanie, huh?

Uh-huh. You ever been to the Russian Tea Room?

That's the one, Old World charm, celebrities, fabulous food.

Okay, there's a Wimpy's about a block over... Uh...

Hello? Hello?

Yo, Towers.

Hi, judge.

I don't know what you said to her or what you did...

...but you hurt her real bad.

She's out there crying her eyes out.

It's over between us.

Oh.

Good.

She dumped you, didn't she?

No, as a matter of fact, she offered to stay with me through thick and thin.

She's quite a woman.

Tell me about it.

You mean you dumped her?

Yes.

Mister, if I weren't a judge and you weren't behind bars...

...I would ask you to step outside right now!

Well, I'd mop up the street with you, sir.

So you would.

What's the difference? State has got a great case against me.

With my record, they'll give me three, maybe four years, and...

And what?

Nothing.

You did this for her, didn't you?

I don't wanna talk anymore.

Yeah.

That makes sense.

You fall in love with her...

...she finds out about you before you can change...

...so you dump her.

Spare her the agony of waiting for you while you're in jail.

You sneaky little...

You're a great guy, aren't you?

I don't have to take this abuse.

Towers, that's noble.

But I'm afraid I don't buy into that you-gotta-be-cruel-to-be-kind philosophy.

It's a coward's way out.

You talk to her.

You tell her how you feel.

It'll spare her some of the hurt she's going through...

...thinking that you don't love her.

Well, maybe you're right...

...but I won't do it.

- Then I'll tell her. - I'll lie.

- She'll believe me. - Are you sure?

No.

You love her too, don't you?

That's ridiculous.

We haven't even...

...drunk out of the same cup.

Your Honor.

If by any chance she's still available when I get out...

...l'm coming back after her.

Sounds like a threat.

Just giving you fair warning.

You've got exactly four years...

...from right now.

By the way, I cheat.

Your ventricle's showing.

This is the greatest.

- Heh. - I can't wait to get home...

- Oh, hey, guys. - Hey.

Steak dinners on me, huh?

Oh, sounds great, Dan.

What's with the sudden benevolence?

Bingo.

From a secret admirer. Hmm?

Scented too.

Hey, that's great, Dan.

- Hold on a second, I'll get my coat. - Yeah.

I guess he didn't recognize my handwriting.

Or my aftershave lotion.

So, huh? You know what?

I think it's that blond on the ninth floor. The one with the giant, uh...

- Well? - The answer is no, Bernie.

Okay.

I'll give you six more months, but that's it.

Go ahead, say I told you so.

About what?

You were right about David.

Oh.

I'm not so sure anymore.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, let's just say that I think I understand what you saw in him.

- Gonna be a hard one to get over, Harry. - Yeah.

Maybe this will help.

A stick.

Happy Valentine's, Billie.

Oh, Harry, you're wonderful.

There's a question I've been dying to ask.

- What's that? - Why you wearing two watches?

I cheat too.