Original subtitles

- Hi, Dan. - Women are useless.

- Bye, Dan. - Hey, get this.

I've been invited to the social event of the year...

...the Public Transit Ball at the mayor's mansion.

- My date cancelled to go to a wedding. - It happens.

I mean, okay, it was her wedding, but she could've postponed it for one day.

No, listen to me.

The point is that if I am going to impress the people at this party...

...l've got to be seen with someone intelligent.

Someone who has a grasp of the art of conversation.

Say...

- I just had this silly, off-the-wall notion. - No.

- Please? - No.

Hey, guys, you wanna gather around the bench?

Did you know that in certain Indian tribes, they celebrate a boy's 13th birthday...

...by banishing him to the forest to fend for himself for about six months?

There's more.

For their 18th birthday...

...the Kalahari Bush People get their own trees.

Could you imagine wrapping those suckers? Ha-ha-ha.

I've gotta picture these big, big boxes.

You were saying, sir?

Does today's date mean anything to you guys?

Last chance. Party. Cake. Candles.

Celebrating the day you were born.

- Is it your birthday? - You remembered.

- Happy birthday, Harry. - Happy birthday, sir.

I thought we all might go after the session and have a drink.

What do you mean, "a drink"? We are gonna do it right.

We're gonna have a cake, candles, hats. We are gonna pull out the stops.

Hey, I got a great idea. We'll make it a surprise party.

I ruined it, didn't I?

And the guy says, "I don't know, but my goats are 'kidding."'

- Ha, ha, ha. Tell another one. Tell another one.

Hi there.

I couldn't help but sense you from across the room.

See, I mean, I have this innate instinct...

...when it comes to noticing intelligent women.

I was wondering if you would like to come with me...

...to a party at the mayor's house.

Oh, would I have to shave under my arms?

I'll get back to you on that.

Yeah. - No luck, eh, Dan?

I don't understand it. She looks so lifelike.

Oh. Okay, guys, here it comes. Get ready.

- Pumpkin pie? - What's wrong with the pie?

- We ordered cake. - I'm out of cake.

You're damn lucky to get the pie.

It's either this or stick some candles in a meat loaf.

There's no candles.

Party down.

- Where's Papa Jack? - Greece. I'm your new host, Donald.

I'm also your waiter, your cook, and your busboy.

So I don't want to hear any complaints about the service or the food.

And I expect everybody to eat with their utensils.

I feel at home here.

Guys, I want you to know that I appreciate this.

I don't need anything to make my birthday special...

...except great friends like you to spend it with.

- Amen. - Hear, hear, sir.

- So? Where are the gifts? You dog.

There you go, sir. - You got him gifts?

Of course we got him gifts. He's a judge.

- I feel like a jerk. - Billie, don't worry about it.

I don't know about you, but this is my idea of a party, you know?

Good times, good friends.

- Here's to you. Here's to you. - Cheers.

Never met you, wouldn't have knowed you.

- Open my gift, Your Honor. - What do we got here, Bull?

I donated $5 in your name to the Orphaned Children's Hospital Fund.

- Well, so you did. - See, I got to thinking.

All of us are pretty lucky to have our health and our friends.

But these children aren't that lucky.

They don't have anyone to celebrate with.

Some of them don't even know their real names...

...much less the date they were born.

For these sad, homeless children, there are no birthdays.

So who wants whipped cream?

- Would you look at the time? - Oh, it flies, doesn't it?

- Happy birthday, Harry. - We gotta go.

- Hey, guys, wait. - See you.

We haven't finished the pie.

Of course, I could always take it down to the Bowery Mission.

Just a small ray of sunshine for all those wretched, diseased, starving...

Good night, Bull.

Night.

- Happy birthday, Your Honor. - Thanks, Bull.

- Harry, are you gonna be all right? - Who, me? Oh, yeah. Fine.

I had to leave in a couple minutes anyway. Get home.

Maybe, uh...

...steam out some wrinkles in my robe.

- Okay. I'll see you tomorrow? - See you tomorrow.

- Bye. - Bye.

- Harry, how long are you gonna sit here? - Well, I changed my mind.

I'm gonna have dinner, maybe listen to a couple of tunes.

Jukebox is busted and the kitchen is closed.

And I'm leaving in five minutes so I don't miss The Love Boat.

- Then again... - You can't be alone on your birthday.

- I'm fine, really. - Harry, it's your birthday.

You didn't have a cake. You had an awful party.

Now you're sitting alone in a closed restaurant.

You wanna take my belt away from me?

Why don't you and I go someplace?

- Like where? - I don't know. It's your birthday.

- Maybe a show. Maybe a movie. Maybe... - Maybe?

What does she gotta do? Go upside your head with a shovel? Go to her place.

- Yeah. Why not? - Oh, I don't know.

Well, if you don't want to...

- I'll drive. - Good. It'll be fun.

I can make cocoa, we can shoot the breeze, and we can call it a night.

Lose the cocoa, lose the breeze, and then you can call it something else.

Breakfast is at 6.

Nice building.

There. Six boxes of litter you got...

...and every night, I have to hose down my living room.

Hi, Mr. Grinsky.

Cats are scum.

- Nice talking to you. Who's that, dear?

Ah. It's just the lawyer and her man of the week.

"Man of the week." Is he a card or what?

- Hey, I like this place. - Yeah, thanks.

It's a little noisy, a little crowded...

...but at least it's overpriced.

What's that? You still got your mistletoe up?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I keep that stuff up sometimes, you know?

I guess I'm just a silly, Christmassy, holly-jolly kind of person.

It's not silly. It's a little Freudian, maybe.

- You mean you think I meant to keep it up? - Maybe.

For the right...

...man of the week?

Harry.

Yeah?

Excuse me.

Oh.

You've done this before.

I never was any good at wrapping things. You wanna know why?

Knots. I hate knots.

You know, I can never get them right.

That's why they kicked me out of Cub Scouts.

Oh. Look at how sloppy that is.

I guess neatness is not a prerequisite for armed robbery, huh?

Armed robbery? You make it sound so illegal.

- It is illegal. - Not if you don't get caught.

You could have come home five minutes later.

You could have been out earlier.

- Are you telling me how to do my job? - He's not criticizing you.

- You're doing a fine job. - Yeah. Then how come I got caught?

This is no way to start a career.

Yeah, that's right. It's my first time. So go ahead, make fun of me.

- Nobody is making fun of you, Mr... - Wilson, Nick Wilson.

- What am I saying? - Nick.

I might as well just leave my wallet on the coffee table.

- Please. - Be careful, Harry, he's nervous.

You're darn right I'm nervous. You just have to sit there.

I'm the one that has to make all the decisions.

I hate making decisions.

That's why they kicked me out of air-traffic school.

Nick, would you put the gun down?

Hah.

You want me to put this gun down? I mean, are you crazy?

This gun keeps me in control. I'll never put the gun down.

All right.

- Nick, is this your first offense? - Mm-hm.

- Never done anything like this before? - Uh-uh.

Well, then if you put the gun down and you turn yourself in...

...I think the court would take that into consideration.

What are you, a judge? Heh.

Oh, my God, you are a judge.

What is your story? SWAT team?

- I'm a lawyer. - Oh, great. Great.

I try to take my life in a new direction, and what happens?

What happens? I end up robbing a judge and a lawyer.

Things aren't working out at all.

You know something? You know I'm actually hyperventilating?

Nick, try to relax. Now, sit down.

- Okay. - Take a deep breath.

Try to get your mind on something else for a while.

Yeah, okay. Okay.

Oh, yeah. I see.

- What is that? - It's just the phone.

- Who would be calling you at this hour? - Yeah, who'd be calling you at this hour?

Well, I don't know. Maybe it's a wrong number.

No way. A wrong number wouldn't keep on ringing.

Well, how do they know it's a wrong number until you pick it up?

Right. Then a wrong number would keep on ringing.

Not a wrong number.

No, it's someone who knows you, knows you're here...

...expected you to answer, and now he thinks something's wrong.

And he'll probably be over right away. I gotta get out of here.

Look, I want you both to keep quiet for at least 15 minutes.

- You took my clock. - Oh, right. Well, count to...

Well, I don't know. Fifteen times 60. Uh...

Carry the three...

- Nine hundred. - Thank you.

I was never any good at figures.

That's why they kicked me out of the Treasury Department.

Are you all right?

Oh. Yeah, physically, I'm fine.

Emotionally, I'm throwing up.

- We're gonna be all right. - Well, what are we gonna do now?

Well, let's try the phone.

Oh, of course. The phone.

How are we gonna try the phone when we're tied up?

Simple. We leap off the stool in unison, we hop over to the phone...

...you pick up the receiver in your teeth, you drop it to the ground...

...then you dial zero with your nose.

Then we both drop to the ground, we roll over to the receiver, and we talk.

- Right. Let's try the window. - Yeah, the window.

Soon as we make the wall, we'll shout for help.

- Window's closed. - Okay, the intercom.

- I'm right with you. - Okay.

Hey, I pay extra for security in this building...

...and by God, it's gonna pay off now.

Jake?

It's Billie Young in 306.

Is somebody there? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jake, Billie Young, 306.

Some kids broke my speaker. You'll have to speak up.

It's Billie Young!

I'll see if I can get her.

Oh-oh. Gah!

No, Jake, I am Billie.

I believe she's in 306.

Jake, it's me. I want you to call the police.

She's not answering her intercom.

- Never mind. - Handy guy to have around.

Have you gotten any more ideas?

- Well, let's have a look. - Okay.

Nothing here.

Yeah, the scissors over on the coffee table.

This way. That's it. Okay. Little more. There we go.

All right. Okay. All right.

- Yeah, we're here. All right. Yeah. - Okay.

- Uh... If we... If I can bend over... - Uh-huh.

- Oh, yeah. - Wiggle a little.

Harry, this is hardly the time.

No, what I mean is, if we can get turned around...

...maybe I can reach it with my hands. - Oh. Okay.

Okay. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh!

- Oh. - Oh.

Now what?

- Could you move over to the left a little? - Oh, yeah.

Aah! Oh.

- There's something digging into my back. - I think it's the remote control for the TV.

I didn't know chiropractors did this sort of thing.

Oh, yes, Miss Larue. And we're not finished yet.

Call me Gwendolyn. Gwendolyn, what are you doing?

What does it look like?

- I didn't know you had cable. Oh, Neil. Oh.

- Oops. - Ahh...

- Sorry. - It's all right.

I had a pretty good idea what was gonna happen next.

Yeah, put two people in a certain situation...

...and only one thing can happen.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Oh, I hope so.

It's just that I've never spent an evening...

How do I say this?

On a couch, tied to a judge?

No, that's not it.

- Oh? - On a couch...

...tied to someone I really like.

- Too bad the mistletoe's way over there. - It's close enough.

I can't believe this.

- You can't? - The elevator's stuck.

I mean, somebody must be moving or something.

Even if it comes down, it'll probably be filled with lamps...

...and boxes and furniture and everything.

Nick, I am not gonna stand for this anymore.

- Beg your pardon? - I'll stand for it, Nick.

You're a helpless victim. Act like one.

You break in here, you disrupt our lives, you bind us hand-and-foot...

...we damn near break our necks hopping around the place...

...and then when things start getting sane again...

...you break back in!

- You don't have to raise your voice. - He won't do it again.

- I think he's got it out of his system. - No, I haven't.

I'm fed up, Nick, and I want you to end this now!

You're right.

I probably could've phrased that differently, huh?

It's gone far enough.

One pull of the trigger...

...and I'm history.

- Don't do it, Nick! - Okay.

I couldn't shoot myself. I'd probably screw it up anyway.

Graze my temple and hurt myself just bad enough...

...to become a night manager of a convenience store.

Nick, you have a little trouble dealing with pressure, don't you?

It shows, huh?

You know, Nick, I might have a way to help relieve some of that pressure.

If you turn yourself in, I think I can get you a nice hospital stay.

Three square meals a day.

A little time to yourself.

Guess I'm just a loser, aren't I?

I think you hurt his feelings.

Mr. Rogers could hurt his feelings.

Are you all right, Nick?

Probably go to prison, huh?

Probably.

But you know, I think they got something there that you might enjoy.

- What? - Yeah, what?

Time.

Time to be with yourself.

Time to relax.

Time to think.

Hmm.

That's actually kind of nice.

Never had any time to myself.

Even as a kid.

My father pressured my brothers and I into music.

We formed a group when we were little...

...and they went off and made a lot of money.

I hated music, though.

You know, I just was never any good at it. That's why they...

They kicked you out of the group.

Yeah.

I haven't spoken to Brian, Dennis or Carl since.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll do it. Sure.

Why not?

I mean, as you say, might not be so bad.

I could maybe take up painting.

Read all those books I've been meaning to read.

Catch up on my TV.

Cable, huh?

Sorry for all the trouble I caused you. Thanks for all your help.

Say, you know, you two make a cute couple.

We're not a couple. We just work together.

- Oh, you work together? Ooh. Trouble. - Come on. Come on. Let's go.

- You okay? - Yeah. You?

Well...

...I guess I ought to be going.

- Good night. - Good night.

Harry.

You're welcome to stay if you want.

It's not that I don't want to.

Yeah, but Nick might be right.

It could make work awkward.

It's dead.

I guess we didn't need anything hanging over our heads anyway, did we?

Guess not.

See you.

See you.

Surprise.

Borrow a cup of vermouth? Ha-ha-ha.

Just kidding. Brought my own. Whoa.

Hey, this is a nice place.

Yeah, who needs the bother of real wood, huh? Hah.

Dan, what do you want?

I figured you and Harry stayed at the restaurant.

You talked, had a few drinks...

You figured you and I could have more...

...until I got so drunk I'd accept your invitation to the party...

...without realizing what a sleazy trick you had pulled.

Yes.

Look, Dan, it's been a long night.

Harry and I came back here, we walked in on a robber...

...he had a gun, he tied us up, and our lives were in danger.

Harry was here?

- Good night, Dan. - Harry was here? With you?

Besides the fact that Harry was in my apartment...

...you didn't hear a word I said, did you?

Yes, I did. And I am appalled.

You spent a romantic evening with someone you work with?

And it wasn't me?

I have had enough for one night, and I am tired.

Go away.

It's my birthday.

Sorry, I didn't have time to wrap it.