Original subtitles

But the service isn't that fast.

Believe me, you guys are gonna flip over the sushi in this place.

Hey, come in, everybody.

Excuse me, wasn't this a Japanese restaurant yesterday?

Say, you got the sharp eye for detail, don't you?

So I've been told.

My name is Panayoti Shakelaris, but everybody call me Papa Jack.

- Why? - Why?

I don't know why.

Follow me, please.

What an amusing anecdote.

That's a nice table for you.

Sit. Eat.

Sing. Dance. Enjoy.

You're gonna make us have fun, aren't you?

- Boy, neat menus. - It's all Greek to me.

- Is he dangerous? - No, we'll be fine, thanks.

Guys, wait. I'll bring special treat for you.

Excuse me.

Did you put a piece of lettuce in your pocket?

It's for Harvey. My new pet.

Lettuce? Harvey? I get it. Big, tough Bull's got little pet bunny.

Actually, Harvey's a python.

Oh.

I feed him bunnies, though.

- Could I watch sometime? - Oh, fellas, please.

Harry, you'd love to see a snake eat a bunny as much as I would.

- I hope that everybody's hungry. - Oh, boy, my favorite. Fire.

Hey, this must be the souvlaki.

No, souvlaki doesn't throb.

That's very interesting. What is it?

This is the brand-new specialty of the house.

Squid swimming in an olive oil base...

...dripping with kasseri and feta cheese...

...bubbling over noodles and pine nuts...

...covered in a simmering lemon garlic sauce.

I'll take scrambled eggs.

Come on, everybody, eat up.

Come on, guys. No reason not to try something just because it's new, right?

Oh, I can't believe what chickens you guys are.

Come on, food is not just something to eat, it's something to celebrate.

Have a ball.

So, what's the verdict?

Manslaughter.

Tell me if this hurts.

- Nope. - This?

Uh-uh.

Oh, come on, that tickles. Come on, come...

Ow! Oh! Ooh, ha.

Hi, guys. Hi, how you doing? Come on in.

How is he? - Oh, I'm fine.

The man says I got a little pain in my tummy, that's all.

That's not what I said, judge. This doesn't sound like simple indigestion to me.

In my opinion, you should see a doctor right away.

- Well, you're a doctor, aren't you? - Gynecologist.

You people are lucky I happened to be eating in that place.

I appreciate that, but you're a little of out of your league.

Let's just say his league has a lower strike zone.

I'm sorry, it was so easy.

- How often do you get these pains, judge? - Oh, every now and then.

Once a week? Once a day?

Let him know when they're five minutes apart.

Dan.

This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

I'm afraid I can't do anything more, Your Honor.

You really should be seen by a specialist.

I mean, it's been years since l...

Been with a man?

It is easy.

If I were you, judge, I'd get myself down to a hospital for some tests.

No time, doc. I got places to go, people to convict.

I think you're making a big mistake.

But, then, I just did this for free.

Are you crazy?

You vomited, doubled-up in pain...

...a doctor tells you go to the hospital, you do nothing.

Believe it or not.

- Harry, listen... - Come on, give me credit for some sense.

I don't have to go to the hospital.

What a bunch of gloomy gusses.

Hey, nice shoes, Selma.

Thanks. They're orthopedic.

Let's go back to work, huh, guys?

Your Honor...

...if anything should happen to you...

- I'll see you get my parking space. - Oh, great, thank you. Take care, sir.

The truth. When's the last time you saw a doctor?

Thirty, 40 seconds ago.

- Before that? - Third grade.

I almost lost part of my ear.

Showing off in school. Got my head stuck in the heating duct.

- Harry... - Should've taken off the vent.

- Now, Harry, just listen to me. - I just read a book...

...by a guy who cured a serious illness with laughter. It was terrific.

He just watched old comedy movies, cartoons...

...anything that would make him laugh.

You know what they say, "Laughter is the best medicine."

- See? I feel better already. - Great.

You don't wanna listen to common sense.

I'll be right there, I just...

I gotta powder my nose.

You okay, Your Honor? Heard you had a little problem.

- Never felt better, big guy. - Well, good, good.

Hey, Mac?

- Wanna know what I've been thinking? - Well, now you know I do, sir.

I read that the Detroit Lions have a new stadium.

They got a dome, Mac.

Isn't that a breath of fresh air, sir.

Anyway, now you could have the Lions hosting the Chicago Bears.

Then, the Detroit baseball team could be playing.

And then you know who's all playing at once?

- Lions and Tigers and Bears. - Oh, my.

Great stuff, huh, Mac?

Yeah, you just keep setting them up, and I'll keep bringing them home, sir.

You're hurting. Why don't you recess for the evening?

I saw a doctor. He said I have a little problem with my tummy. That's all.

Your Honor, my cousin had a little problem with his tummy for six years.

They finally operated, found the problem. He's been the picture of health ever since.

See? You're not alone. It happens to a lot of people.

Not really. They found out my cousin had been carrying his unborn twin brother.

- That's disgusting. - It wasn't very big.

- Stop. - There was no reason to name him.

All right, move along, people, huh?

- What is that stench? - That's our first case, Your Honor.

Edward Antoine and Philip Falcone.

What's the problem?

Well, I just got fed up with the noise, Your Honor, that's all.

Every week, for six years...

...this bozo comes by with his lousy sanitation truck...

...at 5:00 in the morning.

You get a jump on the morning rush.

Your Honor, they're charging each other with aggravated assault.

Your Honor, if I may, it seems that the story unfolds as follows:

- Pace, woman, pace. - Apparently, Mr. Antoine got up...

...went outside and demanded an apology. - He threw a dead cat at me.

I didn't know what was in that shoebox.

At which point, Mr. Antoine took Mr. Falcone's patio furniture...

...put it in his crusher, and turned it into linguine.

Mr. Antoine jumped him.

When police arrived, they had been rolling in swill for 10 minutes.

They've been in the holding cell since 7:00 this morning, fermenting.

Your Honor, I've been picking filth and scum out of my clothes all day long.

Rancid dog food, used dental floss...

...and this is what olive loaf turns into after a couple weeks.

Yeah, the lavender fuzz kind of gives it away.

Whoops.

Found it.

Harry, what is it?

A pencil. Ever seen one?

You are sick, see a doctor.

Leave me alone, Miss Young.

See? See? We can all get upset, huh?

But while you're sitting up there, all nice and comfy...

...there's guys like me down in the trenches who are shoveling your sludge all day.

- Perhaps you could speed up... - And then you got guys like him...

...always putting you down, ripping my guts out, bit by bit.

For 15 years, they've been at it.

Just slowly twisting that knife in my belly.

- Mr. Falcone... - You got any idea how that must feel?

Exactly.

Harry.

Dr. Seidelman, line one, please. Dr. Seidelman.

Just so you know, The Rifleman goes on in 25 minutes.

Yeah, keep me posted on that, huh?

Sure. I always keep my roommates informed of their potential entertainment selections.

- Listen, mister... - I'm Kenny.

You just go ahead, watch whatever you want.

Okay.

I love these beds.

They go up and down, you know?

I love the sheets too. We get them fresh every morning.

And I love the doctors and nurses who keep stopping by to say hello.

And the smell of antiseptic.

And the food. Tomorrow we get muffins and juice at 6:00.

I love the walls.

You all have to be patient. I'm really doing everything I can.

- That's all you can tell us? - Listen.

All we know that we know is he has all the classic symptoms of duodenal distress.

- Duodenal distress? - Possible ulcer.

Thank you.

The problem is he refuses to submit to any tests.

That's unbelievable.

The ER specialist recommends an immediate endoscopy.

- Now that's... - The oral insertion...

...of a miniature probe to detect specific intestinal...

I'm sorry, you were saying?

The oral insertion of a miniature probe to detect specific intestinal...

...things.

- How old are you? - Thirty-one.

I've got underwear older than that.

Oh, there'll be no smoking in this wing.

- Oh, I'll be in the lounge. - No smoking in the lounge.

I'll be out front sitting in the street.

You're the third person in that bed in two days.

What happened?

The angel of death took them all.

Here's to you making it through the night.

- Hi. - Oh, hi, guys.

- Hey, Harry. - How you feeling?

Are you kidding? Never better.

Then what was all that screaming about, Harry?

- Take a nap, Kenny. - Sure.

Judge Stone, you must have the tests I've indicated.

No sale, doc.

Let me handle this.

Handle what?

When I was a child, my mother told me this story...

...and I'd like to pass it on to you.

It seems there was this...

...elf.

And he had to go the hospital because he had pains in his stomach...

...and he refused to take the tests, and, uh...

...he died.

That stinks.

Why didn't anybody stop me? Couldn't you see I was over my head?

Harry, for heaven's sakes, do what this guy wants, and take the tests.

Can't do it. Didn't study.

That's very funny.

- Didn't study. - Hello, Mr. Beilin.

Hello, hello, doctor. How are you?

- And how are we feeling this evening? - Oh, I'm in agony, doctor.

- Oh? - I think I'm having a stroke.

Gosh, I'm sorry to hear that. You want some juice?

Well, if you think it would help.

I'm sure it will.

How about cran-apple, if you have any.

Uh, what's with him?

Munchausen syndrome.

It's essentially a psychosomatic condition. The patient wanders...

...from hospital to hospital, claiming to suffer from a variety of illnesses.

In reality, it's merely a ploy for attention by lonely people.

I've read studies that indicate several of these patients...

...are quite intelligent, despite their superficial histrionics.

Their subconscious motivations stem from a lack of stable interpersonal relationships.

You're all like this, aren't you?

Oh, hey, kid, would you get me some of that juice out there? Thanks, babe. Hey.

Hey, gang.

How are you feeling, sir?

Well, despite what everyone seems to believe, I am feeling great.

Terrific. Hey, look what I got in the gift shop.

Hey, nice watch.

Dan, you really shouldn't have.

Why the hell not? I've always wanted one.

Got you some Chiclets.

So you going under the knife or what?

As a matter of fact, I'm going home.

Okay, everybody out.

- I would like a minute alone with him. - You're gonna get it now, Harry.

Oh, hey, guys. Come on, I found out where the nurses change.

So? What do you wanna talk about?

How about nuclear arms reduction?

Sir, please.

Oh, gotcha, it's too heavy.

How about the year those Cubbies had, huh?

- Excuse us, won't you? - Sure.

- Bye, Harry. - Bye, Kenny.

Well, you got a great bedside manner.

And you got a big space between your ears.

Billie, I'm fine.

That's why they brought you here in an ambulance.

Well, it was fun. They let Bull work the siren.

- Come on, Harry. - Billie, I appreciate your concern.

Really, I do. But trust me, I'm fine.

- Really. - Get back in that bed.

No.

Now, normally I would consider this fun, but...

- Harry. You are sick. Just say it. - Okay, I'm sick.

- Then you'll take the tests? - No.

What is it? Are you scared?

- I'm scared? Come on, don't be silly. - You are, aren't you?

That is ridiculous. Why in the world would you say I'm scared?

Harry?

It's getting stuffy in here.

Then stop breathing.

I'll try that.

Okay. Okay, maybe I am a little scared.

Well, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

Everybody's scared when they come in here.

I know my father was.

They had him come in for some of these same tests.

He never came out.

- But... - But what?

It's one of those things, could've happen to anybody? Doesn't mean it's gonna happen?

I'm sorry, Harry.

But you are a judge.

You deal with other people's problems every day.

Now, can't you find it in yourself to deal with your own?

Well, intellectually, that makes a lot of sense.

But emotionally, I can't handle it.

Take off your pants.

What'd she say?

- I'm getting out. - No, you're not.

- Billie, let go of me. - I think I can take you.

- Don't make me hurt you. - You got no meat on you.

You're a woman, be serious.

- Get back in that bed. - Okay, I warned you.

All right, you stringy little magistrate.

Now listen, you're hurting your friends as well as yourself.

- You know, I let you win. - Just quiet.

I'm not finished.

You mean a lot to us, Harry.

We all care about you.

You mean a lot to me.

I care.

- I want a rematch when I'm healthy. - Damn, don't you understand?

I don't want you out of my life yet.

You just got here.

Billie.

What you seem to be saying is...

She wants to jump your bones, Harry.

My God, I called that one, didn't I?

Harry, I was... Let me get that curtain for you.

We were just talking.

- I don't care what you have going on in... I've decided.

I'm gonna have those tests.

That's great news. I'll tell Bull. He's down at pediatrics.

The kids are riding him.

You are gonna have the tests?

Well, I suppose I should, huh?

I mean, don't you wanna find out how things turn out?

Yeah, I do.

Ditto.

The walls have ears.

I love the walls.

- Mr. Beilin. - Hello. Hello, doctor.

- You're fit as a fiddle. - Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no.

Sir, we have run every test on you. There's nothing wrong.

I'm having a stroke.

No, you're not, Mr. Beilin.

Now, look, why don't you just get dressed, pack up your things and go on home, okay?

So, doc? - Mm-hm.

- What's the good word? - Surgery.

That was a rhetorical question.

- Well, minor surgery. - Yeah?

Yeah, we found something on the x-ray.

The sooner we pull it, the better.

- Pull what out? - There it is, right there.

- Tumor? - Ulcer?

- Whistle? - We have a winner.

- It's a whistle? - Mm-hm.

That's where it is. I must've swallowed it.

That would be my guess, yes.

You know Zippy Bits?

That breakfast cereal that promises a free circus whistle in each box?

Well, I bought a box, polished off the whole thing. No whistle.

I even called them. They said there was a whistle in every box.

- Guess they were right. - You mean...

You mean, he's been carrying a piece of plastic in his stomach all these years?

No, about three weeks.

- What? - Silly me, huh?

- Ow. - A whistle?

I poured my guts out to you over a whistle?

Come on, you're supposed to like me.

Come on, judge. We'll get your whistle.

Everyone's gonna have to leave the room.

Zippy Bits, huh?

I opened myself up to him.

Over Zippy Bits.

I did it once for a piece of chocolate and a pair of nylons.

Get Operating Room 3 ready, okay?

- Right. Hi. - Hi.

I got a day off tomorrow.

I got a new watch.

See you, Harry. - Good luck, sir.

Thanks. See you, Selma.

Billie.

I want you to know...

...I lied to you about how I felt, Harry Stone.

I just did it to get you to take those tests.

- I understand. - You do?

Probably would've done the same for you.

- Thanks. - You're welcome.

So, what you're saying is you really don't care all that much about me either, right?

- I didn't say that. I care a lot about you. - You do?

I care a lot about people in general.

I mean, isn't that what this is all about, Billie? Caring?

Go on.

- Did you hear something? - No.

Now, the way I see it...

- Hi, Selma. - Oh, how's Harry?

Oh, he came through with flying colors.

He'll be up and around in a few days.

Great. - Yeah.

I'm going down and have a cigarette. I must be a carton behind by now.

Mac?

Kenny?

I have the most wonderful news.

Yeah?

Well...

- Broken arms. - Ohh.

- Congratulations. - I've got internal things too.

Yeah?

"Bruised kidney, two cracked ribs..." Fractured tibia? Hey, you hit the jackpot.

I don't know why I never thought of it before.

Thought of what?

Is this Judge Stone's room?

Yeah, but he's gone.

When?

Oh, about two hours ago.