Original subtitles

You must have been a beautiful baby

You must have been a beautiful...

Fowl

Where'd you come from?

You got any plans for Thanksgiving?

Yeah. He's coming to my house for dinner.

Hey, Mac.

You don't mind me parking my bird here, do you, sir?

It's only temporary.

I'm hauling him upstate to my family's house tomorrow.

I take it Mr. Gobbler is less a pet than he is...

Entree. Yes, sir.

It's sort of a holiday tradition.

We get a live one, fatten him, axe him and eat him.

Sounds festive.

What do you guys do for Christmas?

You don't wanna know, sir.

Shut up, turkey.

So, uh, I mean, I got immunity, right?

- Against many things, I'm sure. - Ha-ha-ha.

I mean, if I testify.

Yes, Miss Korchak.

Well, how do I look?

It isn't too much powder, is it?

Not if you're skiing.

All rise.

Manhattan Criminal Court Part 2 is now in session...

...the Honorable Harold T. Stone presiding.

- Good evening, ladies. - Hi.

Let me guess, uh...

...sorority prom had a few too many daiquiris...

...got a little giddy, raised a little heck, right?

They're hookers, sir.

- Wasn't even in the ballpark, was I? - Uh-huh.

You may be seated.

What's the story?

Cops busted a house over on 72nd.

Yes, Your Honor, on a tip from Miss Angela Korchak...

...a disgruntled former employee...

...an undercover officer was sent to the address in question, partied heartily...

...subsequently determined it to be a house of prostitution.

In support of which charge, I submit confiscated financial records...

...an appointment book, and this swatch of red velvet wallpaper.

I had a tuxedo like this once.

Your Honor, I move for postponement...

...pending the location of the owner of the building.

Yes, a warrant has been issued for the madam of the house, a Miss Irene Danbury.

Hey, I know her.

Well, I mean, she's sort of famous, isn't she?

I saw her on Merv.

Yeah. I think it was his salute to mattresses.

I read an article about her in one of those financial magazines.

The Mogul Madam, I believe they called her.

Well, Miss Danbury is famous for being a respected member of the community...

...and a generous patron of the arts.

Yes, the Arts.

- The Bobs, the Teds, the... Yeah.

Regardless, we're just spinning our wheels till Miss Danbury arrives.

So let's put the ladies on the back burner, Selma, and we'll move along.

Next case.

- Come on, girls, let's hustle. - Ha-ha.

If you think you're up to it. Ha-ha-ha.

Honey, I was up to it and went beyond it.

What's beyond it?

Rest, honey. Decades and decades of rest.

Hey, turkey.

Turkey.

Want a CornNut?

CornNut. Num-num.

Mmm. Nacho cheese.

Hey, you better be careful with him.

- You don't mind me feeding him, do you? - Oh, no. Please do.

What's his name?

- I don't know. - He's gotta have a name.

Oh? Well, how about, uh...

Protein.

Protein? That's a funny name for a pet.

You're not gonna kill him?

No, it's my sister's turn.

Come on, Bull, judge wants to start up.

Know what he's gonna do with that turkey?

Hey, as long as they're consenting adults.

Hi, judge.

Anything disgusting and newsworthy tonight?

Go away, Craven, I hate you...

...you're scum.

Did you know it's been three weeks since somebody's been thrown off a roof?

What's happening to this city?

- Bull alert. - Huh?

Uh... Ahem.

Look, you see, I really have to go, because my car is double-parked...

...in a handicap zone.

I could arrange it so you could park there legally.

Thank you, gentlemen.

You've both been very kind.

It was my pleasure.

I wish everyone was as easy.

Carlene, sit up straight.

Tracy, get rid of the gum, please.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Miss Danbury, Billie Young.

Oh, yes, you worked for me a couple of years ago, didn't you?

Uh... No. I'm a defense attorney.

Oh, pity. You look like you got the right stuff.

Oh, thanks. I mean...

Oh, Miss Young.

This way, Miss Danbury.

- Hi there. Hello.

Are you my judge?

Sir?

Why don't you go get your files, Billie?

Why don't I?

So, um, Harry, I understand there's been a little misunderstanding...

...concerning the, uh, hostesses at my social club.

Social club?

Well, yes, my establishment is really just a gathering place for lonely gentlemen.

Out-of-town visitors who merely wish to relax...

...and have a pleasant conversation with a friendly face.

Sounds like the USO.

We have better donuts.

I bet.

- Miss Young, is the defense ready? - Ready, sir.

Do the people have an opening statement?

"I trembled with schoolgirl anticipation as he pulled me onto the sofa.

And the hand which had once waved to cheering crowds...

...now caressed my naked thigh."

One of your better efforts, Mr. Fielding.

Wait a minute, I wrote that.

Thank you.

Your Honor, it's a private memoir that has nothing to do with this case.

Yo, Your Honor, the people beg to differ, and wish to submit into evidence...

...the unabridged and thoroughly unadulterated diary of Miss Irene Danbury.

All right, hose down, people.

- Object. - I object.

- On what grounds? - On what grounds?

- It's personal. - It's personal.

Your Honor, I haven't even had the chance to read that yet.

I'm gonna sustain that, at least temporarily, until we've had some copies made...

...and you and I have had a chance to take a gander.

We'll take five, people.

Dan.

Read it with someone you love.

Would you try something like that?

Yeah?

You decent, sir?

Come on in, Dan.

What can I do for you?

- You done with that yet? - Just about.

- This is really something, huh? - Oh.

I will never be able to look at chandeliers the same way again.

Or the All-Star Game.

Harry, there are some big, big people in there.

Athletes, politicians, captains of industry.

We could have a field day dragging their good names through the mud.

And so close to the holidays.

And perhaps we could further our own careers in the process, eh, Dan?

Oh, Harry, it's so right.

- Your Honor? - Come in.

Hi. - Oh, hi.

Oh, I like your bird.

Oh.

Thanks.

If I may cite some precedence regarding the case...

I'll listen to formal arguments in court, Billie.

Besides, I haven't even finished the document in question yet.

The ending is predictable, sir.

- That will be all, Mr. Prosecutor. - Yes, sir.

Awesome.

Ladies, if you'll excuse me?

Sir, could I have a moment alone with you, please?

Well, Miss Danbury, I'm afraid...

Well, if you're afraid...

I suppose I can spare a moment.

Thank you, sir.

I'll meet you in court.

- So, what can I do for you, Miss Danbury? - Your...

Yeah?

Your Honor, I want my diary back.

I'm afraid that's a legal decision that I have not made yet.

Look, that diary is not just a bunch of papers.

It's a part of me.

It's everything I've been my whole life, the good and the bad.

I understand that, Miss Danbury.

This could hurt a lot of people.

People who trusted me.

People who just needed a break from the pressures of being somebody.

I appreciate your sense of integrity.

You can fine me.

I'll even go to jail. I don't care.

I'm afraid that is not your decision to make.

You see, there's a lot of material in here that may be construed as incriminating.

Have you read the chapter about the famous architect?

No. I'm just up to the '76 convention. Oof.

I think you'll enjoy it when you get to it.

Well, listen, Miss Danbury, I'm not a voyeur.

I'm just doing my job.

He came to me just after his wife's accident.

He was very much in love with her.

But we all have needs.

And so did he.

He just cried most of the time, anyway...

...and after a while, I even stopped accepting money.

The point is, Harry, he loved her then, he loves her now.

Please, don't betray his trust in me.

Your Honor, everybody's ready to go.

Thanks, Selma.

I appreciate your allowing me these few moments.

It was my pleasure.

You have a wonderful judge there.

Cigarette?

No, thanks.

Just checking.

I have reviewed the material in question.

And as it's clearly germane to the case before me...

...I rule for the people, and I will allow this document entered into evidence.

But first, we will take a dinner break.

Court will reconvene in one hour.

All rise.

I got you some coffee.

Oh, thank you, Billie.

Look, I'm really sorry. I should've come up with something better.

Oh, that's okay. You did your best.

That's all I expect from any of my girls.

Well, look, this thing isn't over yet.

I'll be back in court.

You know, I thought she would never leave.

- My name's Craven, from... - I don't wanna talk.

My paper has authorized me to offer you a sum of money...

...for the exclusive serialization rights to your life story.

And I don't usually pay for it.

You must be very lonely.

Well, yes. Uh...

Get lost, Craven.

- No, I wanna hear it from her. - Get lost, Craven.

Enough said.

Starting already, huh?

Yeah, starting already.

You know, Irene, I had no choice.

The law is very clear in the matter.

I understand.

Sometimes I wish I'd stuck with the accordion.

I could be annoying people at a wedding now.

We all make our beds.

You got a nifty way with words, Irene.

I have to. I do a lot of talking.

That's all most of our clients want to do, anyway.

- Really? - Sure.

They talk about their wives and kids.

They ask advice about things.

"What should I do about my job?

How can I improve my appearance?

Should I drop out of the primaries?"

Sounds fascinating.

I can remember this Air Force general, four stars...

...although personally I'd only give him two.

The guy on page 48?

Oh, I'm good with phone numbers too.

Yeah, he used to come up every Sunday with this cute little attach� case...

...handcuffed to his wrist, and all he ever wanted to talk about was his bombers.

Bombers? What bombers?

Oh, I don't know, it was the B-54 this, the C-31 that.

I think there were a bunch of F-1 s too.

Bombers. That's it.

I gotta go. Bye.

When you're done, you're done.

Come on, heel, Skip, heel.

Attaboy.

You're very good with him.

Thank you.

Sit.

Still working on that one.

I have a pet bat.

We keep the same hours.

Uh, actually, Skippy's not my pet.

He's gonna be somebody's dinner.

Oh...

Poor little fuzzy buzzard.

Oh, I'll be okay.

Come on, Skippy.

Walkies, walkies.

Walkies.

Come on, Fielding, what's the holdup?

- Got an 11:00 deadline. - Yeah, me too.

Gentlemen, Judge Stone will be out soon.

In the meantime, I'd be glad to answer any more of your questions.

Dan Fielding.

Aren't you the one that ran for city council last year against the dead guy and lost?

No, no, no. That was Dan Fielding.

- Oh. - Excuse me.

All rise.

Manhattan Criminal Court Part 2 is now in session...

...the Honorable Harold T. Stone presiding.

You look a little nervous, sir.

Bombers, Mac, bombers.

I'm sure they're ours, sir.

You may be seated.

Your Honor, the people are ready to proceed.

Your Honor, before we begin, the defense asks...

...that you reconsider your decision on Miss Danbury's private papers.

I mean, surely you can appreciate the confidentiality...

...as in lawyer-client privilege, as well as doctor-patient, priest-penitent...

Uh, Your Honor, while the people certainly respect the sanctity...

...of the bimbo-bimbee relationship...

...we heartily agree with the ruling you already made.

Let's proceed, huh, people?

Now, uh, in considering this case, I did some research into diaries.

There is, of course, the diary of Anne Frank...

...the diary of Roderick, Last of the Goths...

...uh...

...the, uh, Guadalcanal Diary...

...uh, the Diary of a Teenage Hitchhiker...

Your Honor, with all due respect, we have a backlog of cases building up.

Point well taken, Mr. Prosecutor.

And it was Portrait of a Teenage Hitchhiker.

- Well, then, let's proceed. - Indeed.

Now, Your Honor, the people would...

Hey. Hi, guys. Over here.

Judge Stone? Major Roy Pritchard, United States Air Force Intelligence.

Good to see you. Hey, great hat.

- Beg your pardon? - This will take a minute.

You folks can murmur excitedly amongst yourselves.

Do you know this Air Force joker?

A major? Ha.

You've got to be kidding.

Folks, I have an announcement.

Having briefly reviewed excerpts from the diary...

...Major Pritchard has made a preliminary judgment...

...that disclosure of said diary could pose a threat to national-security interests...

...and so has temporarily classified the document and its copies as secret.

You may react briefly.

Your Honor, what does this mean?

It means I'll take that.

This is mine.

Dan, give him the book.

- Defense will surrender her copy. - With pleasure, Your Honor.

And may I remind both of you, pending the final decision in this matter...

...you will not discuss, disclose, or in any way disseminate the contents...

...of this document, under the severe penalty of law.

- What...? Your Honor, I object. - Overruled.

- Exception. - Noted.

- Frustration. - Vented.

- Good evening, Your Honor. Thanks, major.

Ma'am.

Counselor.

All right, people, that's enough.

Mr. Prosecutor, do you have any other evidence to present in this case?

Yeah. I got that boring stuff.

The financial reports, the police records.

I respectfully submit them.

Miss Young?

You are terrific.

I mean, Your Honor, the defense has nothing more and moves for a finding.

The court finds the defendant guilty as charged.

Thirty days suspended and a $500 fine.

And the court is adjourned.

Wow!

We won.

Don't ever touch me without a note from your doctor.

Harry?

Do I give you the $500?

That'd be a switch, wouldn't it?

I think you're worth it.

Well, you just pay the clerk downstairs.

Thank you.

I hope I never see you again.

I mean, at least not here.

Oh, no, I'm thinking of retiring.

The social-club business just ain't what it used to be.

Glad to hear it.

Maybe I'll move upstate.

I've had my eye on this little country inn near West Point.

Good luck.

You know, this may be a little clich�...

...but I think if I had met you 20 years ago...

...my life would've turned out a lot differently.

Mine too.

I was 14.

Good night, Harry.

Good night, Irene.

She's quite a gal, isn't she?

Is this real wood?

Um...

So happy Thanksgiving, everybody.

- Right. - Happy Thanksgiving.

Yeah, gobble, gobble.

Oh, Dan, you're not still sore about that gag order, are you?

No, no, no. But, you know, a filthy mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Hey, Mac. - Good evening, folks.

What, uh, Bull's out walking my bird again?

I don't know.

He took Skippy up on the roof.

- What? - He said he was gonna set him free.

Set him free?

Hey, man, turkeys don't fly.

I knew there was something I wanted to tell him.

Runnies, runnies, runnies.