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It seems today
that all you see
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00:00:04,305 --> 00:00:07,639
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:07,641 --> 00:00:11,143
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,145 --> 00:00:14,146
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,148 --> 00:00:17,649
Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:17,651 --> 00:00:21,120
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
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00:00:21,122 --> 00:00:22,721
All the things that make us
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00:00:22,723 --> 00:00:23,856
Laugh and cry
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00:00:23,858 --> 00:00:29,528
He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
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00:00:36,336 --> 00:00:38,303
Welcome, all,
to James Woods High's
11
00:00:38,305 --> 00:00:39,638
annual college fair,
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00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:41,573
where each year,
our seniors gather to decide
13
00:00:41,575 --> 00:00:44,710
where they will go
in the fall to get HPV.
14
00:00:46,012 --> 00:00:48,580
Wow, Meg, so many choices.
15
00:00:48,582 --> 00:00:50,349
Yeah.
There's a state college
16
00:00:50,351 --> 00:00:53,218
with an incredibly offensive
Native American mascot.
17
00:00:53,220 --> 00:00:55,020
I'm Drunky!
18
00:00:55,022 --> 00:00:57,723
The Dakota University mascot!
19
00:00:57,725 --> 00:00:59,425
Look how drunk I am!
20
00:00:59,427 --> 00:01:02,394
This is important for sports!
21
00:01:02,396 --> 00:01:03,662
Oh, look,
22
00:01:03,664 --> 00:01:05,497
you can go to Oral Roberts.
23
00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:09,201
Oh, and there's Anal Roberts.
24
00:01:09,203 --> 00:01:12,438
Oh, boy, that is a tough,
tough place to get into, Lois.
25
00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:13,772
That is tough,
but once you're in there,
26
00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:15,841
you'd be surprised
how much you like it.
27
00:01:15,843 --> 00:01:17,109
Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.
28
00:01:17,111 --> 00:01:18,243
So glad you could make it.
29
00:01:18,245 --> 00:01:19,711
You know, Meg has
attracted interest
30
00:01:19,713 --> 00:01:21,180
from several colleges.
31
00:01:21,182 --> 00:01:22,448
Meg going to college.
32
00:01:22,450 --> 00:01:24,616
I always thought she was
gonna be one of those ladies
33
00:01:24,618 --> 00:01:26,952
who wears a jean jacket
and hangs out at the bar
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00:01:26,954 --> 00:01:28,620
in a chain restaurant.
35
00:01:28,622 --> 00:01:31,457
Hey. You know you can get
a slice of pineapple
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00:01:31,459 --> 00:01:33,759
on your burger here.
37
00:01:33,761 --> 00:01:35,427
Hey, Jimmy, another water.
38
00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:36,795
I call Miller Lite "water."
39
00:01:36,797 --> 00:01:38,764
Jimmy knows me, he knows that.
40
00:01:38,766 --> 00:01:40,432
Come on, hockey team!
41
00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:42,601
This one's on me.
42
00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:44,703
Merry Christmas, Meg.
43
00:01:44,705 --> 00:01:46,605
You really think Meg
is college material,
44
00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:47,773
Principal Shepherd?
45
00:01:47,775 --> 00:01:49,808
Yeah, she's a solid B student
46
00:01:49,810 --> 00:01:51,208
and that's quite
an accomplishment,
47
00:01:51,210 --> 00:01:53,378
considering none of her teachers
are willing to sleep with her.
48
00:01:53,380 --> 00:01:55,247
Sophomore year,
she was molested by the janitor.
49
00:01:55,249 --> 00:01:56,081
Does that help?
50
00:01:56,083 --> 00:01:57,583
Mr. Griffin,
51
00:01:57,585 --> 00:01:59,985
I believe they're
called "custodians."
52
00:01:59,987 --> 00:02:02,654
Anyway, I was able to get Meg
an interview this weekend
53
00:02:02,656 --> 00:02:04,623
at Green Mountain College
in Vermont.
54
00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:05,991
Green Mountain College?!
55
00:02:05,993 --> 00:02:08,393
Oh, my God!
That's my first choice!
56
00:02:08,395 --> 00:02:10,229
Can one of you guys
take me up there?
57
00:02:10,231 --> 00:02:13,165
Meg, please excuse your mother
and I for a moment.
58
00:02:13,167 --> 00:02:14,800
We need to work out
our schedules.
59
00:02:21,908 --> 00:02:23,742
I'd be happy to take you, Meg.
60
00:02:27,614 --> 00:02:28,713
We now return to
61
00:02:28,715 --> 00:02:31,917
Extreme Makeover:
Bethenny Frankel Edition.
62
00:02:31,919 --> 00:02:34,720
Move! That! Bus!
63
00:02:36,523 --> 00:02:39,091
Put! That! Bus! Back!
64
00:02:39,093 --> 00:02:40,492
Hey, can you guys
turn that down?
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00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:41,293
I'm trying to read.
66
00:02:41,295 --> 00:02:42,427
Oh, shut up, Brian.
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00:02:42,429 --> 00:02:43,428
We were here first.
68
00:02:43,430 --> 00:02:45,697
Yeah, Brian,
go read in your own room!
69
00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:47,499
I don't have my own room.
70
00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:49,201
Yes, you do.
You have that wicker basket
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00:02:49,203 --> 00:02:50,102
in the laundry room
72
00:02:50,104 --> 00:02:51,703
with the frayed bath mat in it.
73
00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:54,139
God, I can't get any
peace and quiet in this house.
74
00:02:54,141 --> 00:02:56,775
Well, now you know how
I felt at Mardi Gras.
75
00:02:58,879 --> 00:03:00,846
Hey! Keep it down!
76
00:03:00,848 --> 00:03:02,514
I'm trying to get
some sleep up here!
77
00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:04,449
Show us your boobs...!
78
00:03:04,451 --> 00:03:05,851
My boobs?
79
00:03:05,853 --> 00:03:07,519
Wait, I-I don't think I...
80
00:03:08,821 --> 00:03:10,889
Oh, my! Jewelry!
81
00:03:10,891 --> 00:03:13,325
Ah, I wonder what I'll get
for showing this.
82
00:03:13,327 --> 00:03:16,728
The rules of this city
are very unclear.
83
00:03:19,899 --> 00:03:22,868
This is actually very pleasant.
84
00:03:25,072 --> 00:03:27,706
Hey. Who the hell
knocked over the garbage ca...
85
00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:29,241
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
Hey. Hey. Hey.
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00:03:29,243 --> 00:03:30,175
I-I don't want
any trouble.
87
00:03:30,177 --> 00:03:31,577
Well, you in the wrong place
88
00:03:31,579 --> 00:03:33,312
if you ain't looking for
trouble, boy.
89
00:03:33,314 --> 00:03:34,846
Nothin' but trouble out here.
90
00:03:34,848 --> 00:03:38,183
Big ol' hoot-owl come down,
scoop you up, take your eye out.
91
00:03:38,185 --> 00:03:39,685
All right.
Well, can you at least
92
00:03:39,687 --> 00:03:41,186
clean this stuff up
when you're done?
93
00:03:41,188 --> 00:03:42,754
It's... otherwise it's gonna
start to smell.
94
00:03:42,756 --> 00:03:45,190
Oh... you don't like
smell, huh?
95
00:03:45,192 --> 00:03:46,758
Well, sniff on this!
96
00:03:48,929 --> 00:03:51,730
Yeah! You got that stink
all up on you, now!
97
00:03:54,935 --> 00:03:55,867
Oh, my God!
98
00:03:55,869 --> 00:03:57,169
What is that smell?!
99
00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:00,872
It's like a burning tire dump
100
00:04:00,874 --> 00:04:02,174
right in my nose!
101
00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:05,777
Brian, why are you doing this?!
102
00:04:05,779 --> 00:04:07,746
We're sorry...!
103
00:04:10,918 --> 00:04:12,384
Ah! You bastard!
104
00:04:15,089 --> 00:04:16,888
I can't see!
I'm blind!
105
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:22,861
Ah! What is that smell?
106
00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:24,963
Oh, my God!
107
00:04:24,965 --> 00:04:26,932
Brian got sprayed by a skunk!
108
00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:28,367
No! Not against the wall.
109
00:04:28,369 --> 00:04:30,469
You're gonna scare off
the cockroaches.
110
00:04:34,207 --> 00:04:35,574
Oh, that's not good.
111
00:04:35,576 --> 00:04:39,444
They were 70% of the structure
of this house.
112
00:04:39,446 --> 00:04:42,981
Peter, please tell me this is
covered by our insurance.
113
00:04:42,983 --> 00:04:43,882
Sorry, Lois,
114
00:04:43,884 --> 00:04:46,218
it doesn't cover
acts of "dog."
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00:04:57,797 --> 00:04:59,831
Hey, guys,
I-I think the tomato juice
116
00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:01,833
is really working. Don't you?
117
00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:05,604
No. You smell like my
six-foot-tall German girlfriend.
118
00:05:05,606 --> 00:05:08,807
Christopher, are you ready
to go to the Guttenschvartzen?
119
00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:10,175
Hell, da!
120
00:05:10,177 --> 00:05:13,245
She can swim across the pool
in two strokes.
121
00:05:14,814 --> 00:05:16,782
Wh... I don't know
what else to do.
122
00:05:16,784 --> 00:05:17,949
I do.
123
00:05:17,951 --> 00:05:22,154
Until the smell wears off,
you're staying outside!
124
00:05:22,156 --> 00:05:24,790
Outside? Lois,
I'm an inside dog!
125
00:05:24,792 --> 00:05:27,192
I'm an inside dog!
I'm sorry, Brian,
126
00:05:27,194 --> 00:05:29,995
but you stink.
127
00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:32,030
I'll take smelling good
128
00:05:32,032 --> 00:05:34,032
over walking good any day.
129
00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:36,001
You don't
smell good, Joe.
130
00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:38,570
I'm sorry,
I thought I was alone.
131
00:05:46,046 --> 00:05:47,479
Morning, Brian.
132
00:05:47,481 --> 00:05:49,681
Ew! You still
really stink.
133
00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:51,683
Yeah, you smell like
the meatball sub
134
00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:53,485
I left under the couch.
135
00:05:53,487 --> 00:05:56,855
Damn it, I just gave away my
hiding place for meatball subs!
136
00:05:56,857 --> 00:06:00,859
I-I'll tell you where there
definitely aren't any meatball subs...
137
00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:03,328
the side pocket of my golf bag.
138
00:06:03,330 --> 00:06:05,130
Geez, Peter, shut up!
139
00:06:05,132 --> 00:06:06,965
Did you sleep okay
out here, Brian?
140
00:06:06,967 --> 00:06:09,401
No! I was so cold.
And you have no idea
141
00:06:09,403 --> 00:06:12,204
how many terrifying things
there are out here in the dark.
142
00:06:12,206 --> 00:06:15,407
My nephew, Scrappy Brian, didn't
even make it through the night.
143
00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:19,344
Hey, Uncle Brian, let's
go check out that noise.
144
00:06:19,346 --> 00:06:20,712
I don't know, Scrappy Brian.
145
00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:22,547
It might be better
just to stay put.
146
00:06:22,549 --> 00:06:24,549
Aw, I'm not afraid!
Let me at 'em!
147
00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:25,984
Let me at 'em!
148
00:06:29,556 --> 00:06:33,058
Damn it! I told my sister
this wasn't a good weekend.
149
00:06:39,265 --> 00:06:41,867
Hey, Bri. How's
it going out there?
150
00:06:41,869 --> 00:06:43,869
Oh, boy, I need this cold air.
151
00:06:43,871 --> 00:06:46,438
They got the heat
cranked up so high in here,
152
00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:48,673
Lois is walking around
without a shirt.
153
00:06:48,675 --> 00:06:50,108
Oh, come on, Stewie.
154
00:06:50,110 --> 00:06:52,043
Hey, throw me a jacket
or something, huh?
155
00:06:52,045 --> 00:06:53,345
Nope. You'll stink it up.
156
00:06:53,347 --> 00:06:54,913
Also, since
you've been out there,
157
00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:57,249
I've stopped sneezing,
so this might be permanent.
158
00:06:57,251 --> 00:06:59,551
Well, at least throw me down
some food or something.
159
00:06:59,553 --> 00:07:01,286
Well, I'm afraid
I finished my dinner.
160
00:07:01,288 --> 00:07:04,089
All I have is a steak,
but that belongs to Rupert.
161
00:07:04,091 --> 00:07:06,958
Can I have it? I don't know,
that's a question for Rupert.
162
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,094
You'll have to ask him.
163
00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:11,463
Uh... hey, Rupe.
164
00:07:11,465 --> 00:07:13,098
"Rupe"? Oh, no. No, no.
165
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:14,366
No, this is already over.
166
00:07:14,368 --> 00:07:16,134
Come on, Stewie, I'm starving.
167
00:07:16,136 --> 00:07:18,103
Good Lord, Brian,
get a hold of yourself.
168
00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:19,738
You're in a suburban yard.
169
00:07:19,740 --> 00:07:22,707
What kind of dog
can't live outside?
170
00:07:22,709 --> 00:07:24,209
God, he's right.
171
00:07:24,211 --> 00:07:26,545
I'm a disgrace to my species.
172
00:07:26,547 --> 00:07:29,114
Like that gumball machine
traffic cop.
173
00:07:33,953 --> 00:07:36,922
Oh, my God, O'Connor's
a disaster out there.
174
00:07:36,924 --> 00:07:39,591
It's not his fault. He was
a great gumball machine...
175
00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:42,027
they just shouldn't
have promoted him.
176
00:07:45,331 --> 00:07:47,299
Oh, I think we're
getting close here.
177
00:07:47,301 --> 00:07:48,767
Meg, what are you doing?
178
00:07:48,769 --> 00:07:50,435
Just letting the wind
wave my hand.
179
00:07:50,437 --> 00:07:52,437
Sometimes I like
to pretend that I'm flying.
180
00:07:52,439 --> 00:07:55,006
Plus, it tickles.
That's stupid.
181
00:07:58,144 --> 00:08:00,312
Hey-hey-hey...
182
00:08:00,314 --> 00:08:02,414
The wind wants my
hand to go back,
183
00:08:02,416 --> 00:08:04,015
but I'm not letting it.
184
00:08:04,017 --> 00:08:06,852
I'm stronger than it.
185
00:08:06,854 --> 00:08:09,120
Oh, my God, Dad,
you lost your hand!
186
00:08:09,122 --> 00:08:11,723
That's all right.
I can regenerate.
187
00:08:16,095 --> 00:08:18,330
My name is Retep,
188
00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:20,532
and I am evil.
189
00:08:23,670 --> 00:08:26,004
Come on, Brian,
you can find your own food.
190
00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:28,006
Every animal finds its prey.
191
00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:35,180
Love in an elevator...
192
00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:37,182
Dude! Check it out!
193
00:08:40,053 --> 00:08:42,621
All right, I can do this.
194
00:08:52,565 --> 00:08:55,700
Holy crap, I'm so much faster
on all fours!
195
00:08:57,170 --> 00:08:59,371
What's that big rock
doing there?
196
00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:09,047
Now, go on, get out of here,
you little bastard.
197
00:09:15,489 --> 00:09:17,656
I did it.
I caught a bird.
198
00:09:17,658 --> 00:09:19,324
I caught a bird! Yes!
199
00:09:19,326 --> 00:09:21,526
Fear me! Aah...!
200
00:09:21,528 --> 00:09:23,595
Aah! I feel so alive!
201
00:09:23,597 --> 00:09:27,098
I feel like a dude who
just touched his first vagina.
202
00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:29,067
Hey. Pound it.
203
00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:31,136
Cool baby.
204
00:09:34,740 --> 00:09:36,341
Well, I called and confirmed
205
00:09:36,343 --> 00:09:38,343
my interview
for tomorrow morning.
206
00:09:38,345 --> 00:09:40,679
I ordered you nothing.
207
00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:42,247
What else is new?
208
00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:47,085
Hey, "Night Moves"!
209
00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:49,421
At least there's one cool
person in this dump.
210
00:09:49,423 --> 00:09:51,523
I wonder who played this. I did.
211
00:09:51,525 --> 00:09:53,124
You played "Night Moves"?
212
00:09:53,126 --> 00:09:55,126
How would you even know
what that song is?
213
00:09:55,128 --> 00:09:57,128
From you. Dad,
I've been hearing that song
214
00:09:57,130 --> 00:09:59,898
in the backseat of your car
since I was a little kid.
215
00:09:59,900 --> 00:10:01,900
Huh. I never knew
you were listening.
216
00:10:01,902 --> 00:10:03,468
Never even knew you were there.
217
00:10:03,470 --> 00:10:05,971
Wait, were you that little
fat boy with the glasses?
218
00:10:05,973 --> 00:10:09,140
Yes, Dad.
I know a lot about you.
219
00:10:09,142 --> 00:10:11,242
You do? I know you're
afraid of guacamole.
220
00:10:11,244 --> 00:10:12,644
It's the devil's vomit.
221
00:10:12,646 --> 00:10:14,879
In the last election,
you voted for Mighty Mouse.
222
00:10:14,881 --> 00:10:17,248
Time to put the might-mouse
in the White House, Meg.
223
00:10:17,250 --> 00:10:19,284
And I know you love Augustus Gloop.
224
00:10:19,286 --> 00:10:22,120
And you hate Mike Teavee. Oh,
don't even say his name.
225
00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:24,289
And you know a lot
about me, right?
226
00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:28,093
Out past the cornfields
where the woods got heavy
227
00:10:28,095 --> 00:10:30,929
Out in
the backseat of my '60 Chevy
228
00:10:30,931 --> 00:10:33,164
Working on mysteries
229
00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:35,233
Without any clues...
230
00:10:35,235 --> 00:10:39,571
Dad, sometimes I wonder
why you even had a family.
231
00:10:39,573 --> 00:10:41,606
I don't know, it's just,
I was dating your mother,
232
00:10:41,608 --> 00:10:43,908
I don't like the way condoms
feel, next thing you know,
233
00:10:43,910 --> 00:10:46,778
I got a mortgage, a kid, and a
crappy job at a toy factory.
234
00:10:46,780 --> 00:10:48,913
I thought you liked working
at the toy factory.
235
00:10:48,915 --> 00:10:51,750
Hell no. I always wanted
to be a podiatrist.
236
00:10:51,752 --> 00:10:53,818
Thanks to you, Dr. Griffin,
my bunion is healed
237
00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:55,587
and I can walk without pain.
238
00:10:55,589 --> 00:10:59,524
This isn't a joke. I once had
legitimate aspirations.
239
00:10:59,526 --> 00:11:01,693
You never got
to pursue your dream.
240
00:11:01,695 --> 00:11:03,762
No wonder you hate me.
241
00:11:03,764 --> 00:11:05,163
I don't hate you, Meg.
242
00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:06,765
You're my kid.
243
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:11,536
Who had the chicken parm?
244
00:11:11,538 --> 00:11:12,937
Oh, that's my second entree.
245
00:11:12,939 --> 00:11:15,340
But you know what?
You have it, Meg.
246
00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:16,708
Thanks, Dad.
247
00:11:16,710 --> 00:11:19,177
Boy, after all this food,
248
00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:21,279
we're gonna have
a couple of "night moves"
249
00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:23,181
back at the motel later,
huh, Dad?
250
00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:25,717
Oh, absolutely. You know, that's
what this song's about, Meg.
251
00:11:25,719 --> 00:11:27,352
It is?
Oh, yeah.
252
00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:29,954
All of Bob Seger's songs are
about taking dumps at night.
253
00:11:29,956 --> 00:11:32,223
Uh, "Night Moves,"
"Like a Rock,"
254
00:11:32,225 --> 00:11:34,826
"Shakedown,"
"The Fire Down Below."
255
00:11:34,828 --> 00:11:38,096
"Against the Wind" was him
poopin' out of a car.
256
00:11:39,065 --> 00:11:40,065
Quick!
257
00:11:40,067 --> 00:11:42,300
Someone give me my notebook!
258
00:11:45,371 --> 00:11:47,072
Well, here we are.
259
00:11:47,074 --> 00:11:49,274
Oh, my God, Meg,
there's a keg party!
260
00:11:51,477 --> 00:11:54,612
Let's go. If we meet any
chicks, you're my daughter.
261
00:11:59,218 --> 00:12:01,386
Yes!
Yeah! College!
262
00:12:01,388 --> 00:12:03,221
Oh, God, I got to take a whiz.
263
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:05,323
Yeah, I got to whiz, too.
264
00:12:09,095 --> 00:12:11,096
Sword fight!
265
00:12:11,098 --> 00:12:12,497
Gonna get ya!
266
00:12:12,499 --> 00:12:15,834
You got a funny little wiener,
but you're a nice guy, Meg.
267
00:12:15,836 --> 00:12:17,669
This is great, Dad.
I know!
268
00:12:17,671 --> 00:12:19,437
I'm having even more fun
than when I...
269
00:12:19,439 --> 00:12:23,842
I mean, than when
we went Fiona Apple-picking.
270
00:12:24,877 --> 00:12:26,678
Dad, they're all bruised
and filthy.
271
00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:28,446
Yeah, these might be
throwin'- at-buses apples,
272
00:12:28,448 --> 00:12:30,448
not eatin' apples.
See, Meg?
273
00:12:30,450 --> 00:12:33,718
You can be in the flashback
'cause we're friends now.
274
00:12:49,368 --> 00:12:51,102
Hey, Brian.
275
00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:52,470
Hey, you don't even smell
like skunk anymore.
276
00:12:52,472 --> 00:12:53,805
Why are you still out here?
277
00:12:53,807 --> 00:12:55,640
There's nothing
inside for me anymore.
278
00:12:55,642 --> 00:12:56,908
I've moved on.
279
00:12:58,145 --> 00:13:01,112
There was a boo-ger
in that spit, wasn't there?
280
00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:02,113
Stewie, leave me alone.
281
00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:03,448
This is where I belong,
282
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:05,316
out here in the wild.
283
00:13:05,318 --> 00:13:06,317
The wild?
284
00:13:06,319 --> 00:13:07,752
You're standing
on the driveway.
285
00:13:07,754 --> 00:13:10,054
Come on.
Hey, hey! Let go of me!
286
00:13:11,558 --> 00:13:13,958
I can't believe it.
You've become a wild animal.
287
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,895
You're like that tiger
from Siegfried and Roy.
288
00:13:17,897 --> 00:13:20,832
Um, I think we all know
the answer to this,
289
00:13:20,834 --> 00:13:23,368
but should I get tested?
290
00:13:31,310 --> 00:13:32,477
You guys are back!
291
00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:34,445
Meg, how was your interview?
292
00:13:34,447 --> 00:13:35,847
Ah, we didn't go.
293
00:13:35,849 --> 00:13:37,348
I slept right through it.
294
00:13:37,350 --> 00:13:38,316
What?!
295
00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:39,317
Yeah, it was awesome.
296
00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:40,451
We stayed up all night partying.
297
00:13:40,453 --> 00:13:42,487
By the way,
if a girl named Rachel calls,
298
00:13:42,489 --> 00:13:44,923
it's a wrong number,
but do tell me that she called.
299
00:13:44,925 --> 00:13:46,491
Where's your wedding ring?
300
00:13:46,493 --> 00:13:48,593
Yeah, so we missed the
interview, so that's a shame.
301
00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:50,495
Meg, how could you
miss your interview?
302
00:13:50,497 --> 00:13:52,497
That school was
your first choice.
303
00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:54,933
I'll get it!
304
00:13:54,935 --> 00:13:56,334
It doesn't matter, Mom.
305
00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:57,769
Dad and I had a great time.
306
00:13:57,771 --> 00:13:59,304
We went to a party!
307
00:13:59,306 --> 00:14:01,873
We bonded for the first time
in our lives.
308
00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:03,508
It was just Joe.
309
00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:04,943
Meg, how could you blow
your chance
310
00:14:04,945 --> 00:14:06,678
to go
to your first-choice college?
311
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:09,380
I can't believe
you would be so irresponsible.
312
00:14:09,382 --> 00:14:11,816
Hey, Meg, you want to huck
some water balloons at nerds?
313
00:14:11,818 --> 00:14:13,484
Sure!
314
00:14:13,486 --> 00:14:14,986
What the hell?!
315
00:14:16,990 --> 00:14:19,557
We'll work on the laugh,
but you'll get there.
316
00:14:19,559 --> 00:14:21,626
To the Meg-copter!
317
00:14:24,396 --> 00:14:26,197
Huh, look down there.
318
00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:28,132
That looks like me
with a green shirt.
319
00:14:28,134 --> 00:14:29,801
He's murdering a lady.
320
00:14:40,145 --> 00:14:41,246
Dinner's getting cold.
321
00:14:41,248 --> 00:14:42,847
I wonder where your father
and Meg are.
322
00:14:42,849 --> 00:14:45,917
They left for the movies
five hours ago.
323
00:14:47,519 --> 00:14:50,521
God, look at Lois picking food
from her teeth with her nail.
324
00:14:50,523 --> 00:14:52,257
Someone should tell her
she's a pig.
325
00:14:52,259 --> 00:14:53,491
Mom, you're a pig!
326
00:14:53,493 --> 00:14:54,926
No, you're not supposed
to actually do it!
327
00:14:54,928 --> 00:14:56,361
We were just talking here!
328
00:14:56,363 --> 00:14:58,429
Oh, now she's crying.
That's not what I wanted.
329
00:14:58,431 --> 00:15:00,431
Stop crying, you bitch!
330
00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:02,600
I got to get
Brian back in the house.
331
00:15:02,602 --> 00:15:04,269
It's just not the same
without him here.
332
00:15:04,271 --> 00:15:07,405
It's like Arnold Schwarzenegger
without an accent.
333
00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:08,840
It might be a tumor.
334
00:15:08,842 --> 00:15:10,808
It's not a tumor.
335
00:15:15,381 --> 00:15:17,415
Where are you two going now?
336
00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:20,618
We're going two places:
none of yo and beeswax.
337
00:15:20,620 --> 00:15:22,420
Clean slam! Come on, Meg!
338
00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:25,556
Meg, I'm glad you're having
a good time with your father,
339
00:15:25,558 --> 00:15:28,393
but don't let him distract you
from your priorities.
340
00:15:28,395 --> 00:15:31,229
Remember, you still have
a chance to get into college.
341
00:15:31,231 --> 00:15:32,797
Mom, we're just having fun.
342
00:15:32,799 --> 00:15:35,233
I've never had a good
time with Dad before.
343
00:15:35,235 --> 00:15:37,068
I'm just saying, it's not easy
344
00:15:37,070 --> 00:15:39,070
dealing with
your father's craziness.
345
00:15:39,072 --> 00:15:40,638
Believe me, this is no job
346
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:42,907
for the family's
designated schmendrick.
347
00:15:42,909 --> 00:15:45,243
Trust me, Mom.
I know what I'm doing.
348
00:15:45,245 --> 00:15:46,644
That's what your father said
349
00:15:46,646 --> 00:15:49,447
before he took that walking tour
of Providence.
350
00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:51,249
This is where a homeless
man ate the finger
351
00:15:51,251 --> 00:15:52,450
of another homeless man.
352
00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:55,086
This is where some teenagers
beat a gay guy to death.
353
00:15:55,088 --> 00:15:58,056
This building used to be
Irish. Now it's Cambodian.
354
00:15:58,058 --> 00:16:00,325
And this is where fake
tour guides throw rocks
355
00:16:00,327 --> 00:16:01,926
and steal tourists' wallets.
356
00:16:01,928 --> 00:16:04,195
Oh, yeah, I read
about this part on Yelp.
357
00:16:12,938 --> 00:16:15,006
PETER
Meg.
358
00:16:16,442 --> 00:16:18,509
Meg.
359
00:16:19,645 --> 00:16:21,713
Come on.
360
00:16:26,919 --> 00:16:29,087
Come on, it'll be fun.
361
00:16:33,025 --> 00:16:34,625
Isn't this great, Meg?
362
00:16:35,929 --> 00:16:38,830
Sorry I forgot
to get you an ostrich.
363
00:16:42,768 --> 00:16:44,035
All right, Meg, you and me
364
00:16:44,037 --> 00:16:45,536
are gonna get
something pierced together.
365
00:16:45,538 --> 00:16:47,305
I'll get my ear done.
How about you?
366
00:16:47,307 --> 00:16:49,707
Um, I guess my ears
would be okay.
367
00:16:49,709 --> 00:16:51,309
Oh, come on, Meg,
you're my daughter.
368
00:16:51,311 --> 00:16:52,710
Nothing but the best for you.
369
00:16:52,712 --> 00:16:53,544
You're getting the works!
370
00:16:53,546 --> 00:16:55,279
Here, I want everything you got.
371
00:16:55,281 --> 00:16:57,348
Only the best
for my daughter Meg.
372
00:16:57,350 --> 00:16:58,683
Ah, look at that.
373
00:16:58,685 --> 00:17:00,284
You look like one of them
beautiful, troubled
374
00:17:00,286 --> 00:17:02,787
Scandinavian youths I've
seen on the porn sites.
375
00:17:02,789 --> 00:17:04,522
You like it? Mm-hmm.
376
00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:06,057
Awesome. Come on,
let's go next door
377
00:17:06,059 --> 00:17:08,593
and get your mom a funny
refrigerator magnet.
378
00:17:13,365 --> 00:17:15,933
I got a piercing, too.
379
00:17:20,172 --> 00:17:22,740
Hey, Lois, guess who made
15 baskets in a row
380
00:17:22,742 --> 00:17:24,175
at the county fair.
381
00:17:24,177 --> 00:17:25,410
Some kid we beat up.
382
00:17:25,412 --> 00:17:27,011
Oh, what a great day!
383
00:17:27,013 --> 00:17:28,546
Had enough yet?
Yes!
384
00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:29,981
I don't know how you do it.
385
00:17:29,983 --> 00:17:31,883
Everything he does
is exhausting.
386
00:17:31,885 --> 00:17:34,819
Even something as simple
as going to the bank.
387
00:17:34,821 --> 00:17:36,687
Meg, you've probably wondered
from time to time
388
00:17:36,689 --> 00:17:38,756
how on earth I pay
for all my shenanigans.
389
00:17:38,758 --> 00:17:40,191
Well, I'm gonna show you.
390
00:17:40,193 --> 00:17:42,927
This is a robbery! Everybody
get on the ground!
391
00:17:42,929 --> 00:17:45,029
If this bitch moves,
shoot him in the eye!
392
00:17:45,031 --> 00:17:46,597
Dad, I don't want to do this!
393
00:17:46,599 --> 00:17:48,733
You have to! Next week,
we're buying a zebra!
394
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:50,735
But, Dad...
There's no time to argue!
395
00:17:50,737 --> 00:17:52,170
We got 150 seconds
396
00:17:52,172 --> 00:17:54,205
before the police respond
to the silent alarm!
397
00:17:54,207 --> 00:17:55,773
Now check those
bags for dye packs!
398
00:17:57,610 --> 00:17:58,776
Who's the manager here?!
399
00:17:58,778 --> 00:17:59,911
I-I am.
400
00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:02,747
What are you doing?!
401
00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:04,348
You said if he moves,
shoot him!
402
00:18:04,350 --> 00:18:06,584
He's the only one with the
combination to the safe!
403
00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:08,753
It's blown! It's blown!
This whole operation is blown!
404
00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:11,055
I'll get the car.
Kill everyone else.
405
00:18:11,057 --> 00:18:12,356
You've got to help me, Mom.
406
00:18:12,358 --> 00:18:13,591
What do you want me to do?
407
00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:15,793
Please, take him back.
408
00:18:15,795 --> 00:18:17,261
I suppose I could, Meg.
409
00:18:17,263 --> 00:18:19,630
But a part of growing up
is learning how to handle
410
00:18:19,632 --> 00:18:22,567
a tough situation on your own,
like getting into college
411
00:18:22,569 --> 00:18:24,635
or breaking up
with your father.
412
00:18:26,572 --> 00:18:29,707
I guess,
but it's not gonna be easy.
413
00:18:29,709 --> 00:18:31,442
Well, life's not
always easy, Meg.
414
00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:33,644
Just ask an ugly Boy Scout.
415
00:18:33,646 --> 00:18:36,981
Scoutmaster Davenport, you want
to share a tent with me tonight?
416
00:18:36,983 --> 00:18:40,852
Oh, Billy, I like
you as a friend.
417
00:18:46,225 --> 00:18:47,992
Brian, you got
to get in here, man.
418
00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:50,294
I've been taking a break
from Lois's breast milk,
419
00:18:50,296 --> 00:18:52,463
and her boobs are enormous.
420
00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:54,732
They're like Jiffy Pop
just before the foil breaks.
421
00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:57,068
You should come check 'em out
before they get infected.
422
00:18:57,070 --> 00:18:59,637
Yeah, nice try, Stewie,
but I'm still not coming inside.
423
00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:01,672
But, Brian, I need you inside.
424
00:19:01,674 --> 00:19:03,808
I'm going crazy in here
without you.
425
00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:06,010
Please, I need my friend back.
426
00:19:06,012 --> 00:19:08,246
Look, Stewie,
I've learned something out here.
427
00:19:08,248 --> 00:19:10,615
You see, living in the wild,
I-I've realized
428
00:19:10,617 --> 00:19:12,650
that all the pain
I've ever had in my life
429
00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:15,653
has-has come from me always
trying to be something I'm not.
430
00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:18,656
I mean, I'm not a writer,
I'm not an artist,
431
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:20,491
I'm not an intellectual.
432
00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:22,793
What I am... is a dog.
433
00:19:22,795 --> 00:19:26,831
And as a dog,
my place is outside.
434
00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:27,999
I'm sorry, Stewie,
435
00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:31,002
but nothing will ever
make me come back inside.
436
00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:38,309
Stewie, get the hell in here!
437
00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:42,947
That dog sure changed
his mind quick.
438
00:19:47,653 --> 00:19:49,020
Oh, Meg, there you are!
439
00:19:49,022 --> 00:19:50,221
Hey, let's put on
fake eyelashes
440
00:19:50,223 --> 00:19:51,856
and flirt with
people on the bus.
441
00:19:51,858 --> 00:19:54,659
Dad, I'm sorry,
but I can't go with you.
442
00:19:54,661 --> 00:19:57,228
Mmm, are you sure?
443
00:19:57,230 --> 00:19:58,896
I called Green Mountain College.
444
00:19:58,898 --> 00:20:00,331
They let me reschedule
my interview,
445
00:20:00,333 --> 00:20:02,166
so I'm gonna drive
back up there.
446
00:20:02,168 --> 00:20:04,368
It's time for me
to get serious about my life
447
00:20:04,370 --> 00:20:06,037
and take some responsibility.
448
00:20:06,039 --> 00:20:07,872
I don't like this Meg.
449
00:20:07,874 --> 00:20:09,473
I like the fun Meg!
450
00:20:09,475 --> 00:20:11,142
I thought we were friends.
451
00:20:11,144 --> 00:20:13,377
Dad, I don't need you
to be my friend.
452
00:20:13,379 --> 00:20:15,813
I need you to be my father.
453
00:20:15,815 --> 00:20:17,582
Well, that is too much
to ask, Meg.
454
00:20:17,584 --> 00:20:19,584
It's hard being a father.
455
00:20:19,586 --> 00:20:22,353
This is why that woman in Texas
drowned all her kids.
456
00:20:22,355 --> 00:20:24,388
I hate the passage of time!
457
00:20:24,390 --> 00:20:26,757
My little girl's growing up!
458
00:20:29,062 --> 00:20:31,062
Yes, she is, Dad.
459
00:20:31,064 --> 00:20:32,730
Yes, she is.
460
00:20:41,607 --> 00:20:43,708
I did get into
Green Mountain College,
461
00:20:43,710 --> 00:20:45,910
and contracted HPV
my first night there.
462
00:20:45,912 --> 00:20:47,745
I got nicknamed the Warthog,
463
00:20:47,747 --> 00:20:50,815
and, like the HPV,
it stuck for life.
464
00:20:54,853 --> 00:20:57,014
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