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1
00:00:01,935 --> 00:00:05,004
It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,006 --> 00:00:08,140
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,142 --> 00:00:11,844
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,846 --> 00:00:14,847
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,849 --> 00:00:18,217
Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:21,620
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
7
00:00:21,622 --> 00:00:23,055
All the things that make us
8
00:00:23,057 --> 00:00:24,523
Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:29,094
He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
10
00:00:36,069 --> 00:00:37,369
Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.
11
00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:39,505
Tonight, the conclusion
of our three-part report
12
00:00:39,507 --> 00:00:40,906
on bestiality at the aquarium.
13
00:00:40,908 --> 00:00:42,808
But first, our top story:
14
00:00:42,810 --> 00:00:45,077
A local boy dies
after playing video games
15
00:00:45,079 --> 00:00:47,046
for 51 hours straight.
16
00:00:47,048 --> 00:00:49,915
He was playing Halo;
now he has a halo.
17
00:00:49,917 --> 00:00:51,683
Just kidding. He was gay.
18
00:00:51,685 --> 00:00:52,885
Look at that.
Big deal.
19
00:00:52,887 --> 00:00:54,086
Stayed awake
for 51 hours.
20
00:00:54,088 --> 00:00:55,354
That's nothing.
21
00:00:55,356 --> 00:00:57,056
Yeah, I've flown
back-to-back Australia trips
22
00:00:57,058 --> 00:00:58,323
that were longer
than that.
23
00:00:58,325 --> 00:00:59,324
I never sleep.
24
00:00:59,326 --> 00:01:00,526
Something's
been beeping
25
00:01:00,528 --> 00:01:01,894
in our bedroom
for three years.
26
00:01:01,896 --> 00:01:03,062
Bonnie won't
look for it,
27
00:01:03,064 --> 00:01:04,063
and I can't
find it.
28
00:01:04,065 --> 00:01:05,431
Hey, I got a fun idea.
29
00:01:05,433 --> 00:01:06,432
Let's bet on it.
30
00:01:06,434 --> 00:01:08,100
100 bucks says
I can stay awake
31
00:01:08,102 --> 00:01:09,034
longer than both of you.
32
00:01:09,036 --> 00:01:10,369
Yeah!
Let's do this!
33
00:01:10,371 --> 00:01:11,370
You in, Peter?
34
00:01:11,372 --> 00:01:12,938
Oh, hell yeah,
I'm in!
35
00:01:12,940 --> 00:01:14,106
You guys don't
know nothing
36
00:01:14,108 --> 00:01:15,107
about staying
up late.
37
00:01:15,109 --> 00:01:16,675
I used to pull
all-nighters
38
00:01:16,677 --> 00:01:18,043
when I worked
for that lesbian
39
00:01:18,045 --> 00:01:19,344
carpet-cleaning
company.
40
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:23,549
Lesbians have regular carpets,
too, you pervs.
41
00:01:23,551 --> 00:01:25,184
When you're done with that,
42
00:01:25,186 --> 00:01:27,352
can you help me plug
the hole in this dike?
43
00:01:28,555 --> 00:01:30,089
I'm kind of
a Jack-of-all-trades.
44
00:01:30,091 --> 00:01:32,558
Hey, help me
fix this gash.
45
00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:35,961
Somebody's been having
scissor fights on this thing.
46
00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:40,532
All right, let's get
some ground rules down.
47
00:01:40,534 --> 00:01:42,801
No closing your eyes and
pretending you're thinking.
48
00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:48,240
Peter. Peter!
49
00:01:48,242 --> 00:01:49,641
I was thinking!
50
00:01:49,643 --> 00:01:50,909
Hi, boys.
51
00:01:50,911 --> 00:01:52,311
I baked a fresh
batch of cookies
52
00:01:52,313 --> 00:01:53,312
for your
slumber party.
53
00:01:53,314 --> 00:01:54,313
Hey!
54
00:01:54,315 --> 00:01:55,981
It's not a slumber
party, Lois!
55
00:01:55,983 --> 00:01:57,149
Yeah, get out
of here!
56
00:01:57,151 --> 00:01:59,084
Just leave the cookies
and go.
57
00:01:59,086 --> 00:02:00,085
Okay.
58
00:02:00,087 --> 00:02:01,120
You boys
have fun.
59
00:02:01,122 --> 00:02:02,888
We will. Just go!
60
00:02:02,890 --> 00:02:03,922
Geez.
61
00:02:03,924 --> 00:02:04,990
Ah, I'm already bored.
62
00:02:04,992 --> 00:02:06,091
What should we do?
63
00:02:06,093 --> 00:02:07,092
Hey, let's prank-call
Cleveland.
64
00:02:07,094 --> 00:02:08,093
Oh, yeah.
Yeah!
65
00:02:08,095 --> 00:02:09,161
Yeah, yeah,
great idea.
66
00:02:13,733 --> 00:02:14,933
Brown house.
67
00:02:14,935 --> 00:02:17,069
Uh, Cleveland?
It's Loretta.
68
00:02:17,071 --> 00:02:18,070
What?
69
00:02:18,072 --> 00:02:20,005
But... but
you're dead.
70
00:02:20,007 --> 00:02:22,074
No... no, I...
I faked my death
71
00:02:22,076 --> 00:02:24,510
to get the IRS
off my back.
72
00:02:24,512 --> 00:02:25,944
Oh, my God.
73
00:02:25,946 --> 00:02:27,112
Does that mean
I have to give back
74
00:02:27,114 --> 00:02:28,413
the insurance money?
75
00:02:29,984 --> 00:02:31,450
Who's there
with you, Loretta?
76
00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:33,585
It's us,
you idiot!
77
00:02:33,587 --> 00:02:34,586
She's still
dead.
78
00:02:34,588 --> 00:02:36,255
Oh, you guys
are more meaner
79
00:02:36,257 --> 00:02:38,423
than The Jerky Boys.
80
00:02:39,426 --> 00:02:40,425
Ah, that was awesome.
81
00:02:40,427 --> 00:02:41,827
Hey, who else
has a dead wife?
82
00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:43,328
Mort.
Uh, I got this one.
83
00:02:47,134 --> 00:02:48,333
Uh, hello?
84
00:02:48,335 --> 00:02:50,102
Uh... shalom.
85
00:02:50,104 --> 00:02:51,870
Muriel?
86
00:02:58,211 --> 00:03:00,145
You guys are gonna lose.
87
00:03:00,147 --> 00:03:02,781
It's been 62 hours.
88
00:03:02,783 --> 00:03:04,683
Joe, you're about to drop.
89
00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:07,519
And, Peter, you've been
hallucinating all night.
90
00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:09,621
Yeah, whatever, Quagmire.
I got to go to the bathroom.
91
00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:11,190
Where's your toilet?
92
00:03:14,794 --> 00:03:16,295
Right here, Peter.
93
00:03:16,297 --> 00:03:20,065
Better cover the seat.
Oh, J/K, I'm not fancy.
94
00:03:21,534 --> 00:03:22,834
Aah, leave me alone.
95
00:03:32,312 --> 00:03:34,813
We are all one.
96
00:03:40,353 --> 00:03:41,987
Pizza. Pizza.
97
00:03:41,989 --> 00:03:43,488
Peter. Peter.
98
00:03:45,092 --> 00:03:47,492
Damn it, Joe. What are you
staring at? Pull him off me.
99
00:03:50,330 --> 00:03:53,031
Oh!
100
00:04:01,608 --> 00:04:04,843
Oh, my God, Joe,
when did you start running?
101
00:04:04,845 --> 00:04:07,446
And jumping? And sky-dancing?
102
00:04:07,448 --> 00:04:10,082
He ain't sky-dancing;
he fell asleep.
103
00:04:12,685 --> 00:04:14,686
That means
it's just you and me.
104
00:04:14,688 --> 00:04:17,589
Yeah, and tiny
Sharon Stone from Casino.
105
00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:19,291
You son of a bitch.
106
00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:22,060
I will go to the FBI.
I will go to the police.
107
00:04:22,062 --> 00:04:23,295
Quagmire, help.
108
00:04:23,297 --> 00:04:24,730
I-I don't...
I don't see her.
109
00:04:24,732 --> 00:04:27,633
I-I-I didn't...
I didn't see the movie.
110
00:04:33,139 --> 00:04:35,140
Peter, wake up.
111
00:04:35,142 --> 00:04:38,443
I need to know if I can delete
your iCarlys from the DVR.
112
00:04:38,445 --> 00:04:39,945
What? Aw, damn it.
113
00:04:39,947 --> 00:04:41,880
Wait, I didn't
fall asleep first, did I?
114
00:04:41,882 --> 00:04:43,081
Oh, wha... Wait,
what-what-what happened?
115
00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:45,050
W-Wait, wait...
Were you asleep?
116
00:04:45,052 --> 00:04:46,752
Did I win? I won.
117
00:04:46,754 --> 00:04:48,320
Guys, we were
all so tired.
118
00:04:48,322 --> 00:04:49,488
There's no way
to prove
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00:04:49,490 --> 00:04:51,123
which one of you
fell asleep first.
120
00:04:51,125 --> 00:04:52,257
Oh, yes, there is, Joe.
121
00:04:52,259 --> 00:04:54,626
I got cameras
in every room of this house.
122
00:05:03,436 --> 00:05:06,338
There's a naked lady squatting
over a cake in your kitchen.
123
00:05:06,340 --> 00:05:07,939
She'll wait.
She-she knows to wait.
124
00:05:23,089 --> 00:05:25,090
Well, it looks
like Peter won.
125
00:05:25,092 --> 00:05:28,460
And it looks like I went
48 hours without an e-mail,
126
00:05:28,462 --> 00:05:30,762
text message
or voice mail.
127
00:05:30,764 --> 00:05:32,831
All right, I won 200 bucks.
128
00:05:34,300 --> 00:05:37,536
And there's a little bit
of blood in my ear.
129
00:05:37,538 --> 00:05:38,970
Well, a bet's a bet.
130
00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:40,706
Yeah, congratulations,
Peter.
131
00:05:40,708 --> 00:05:42,708
What are you gonna do
with your winnings?
132
00:05:42,710 --> 00:05:45,944
Joe, never ask me
about money. It's rude.
133
00:05:45,946 --> 00:05:47,579
We're gonna go out to eat.
134
00:05:55,122 --> 00:05:56,822
This is a great
place, Peter.
135
00:05:56,824 --> 00:05:58,023
You can tell
by the laminated
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00:05:58,025 --> 00:06:00,158
high school football
schedule on the wall.
137
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:04,062
I'm gonna go see which lobster
I think deserves to die.
138
00:06:05,865 --> 00:06:06,998
Hey, Chris.
139
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:08,667
Oh, hi, Pam.
140
00:06:08,669 --> 00:06:11,370
I thought you gave a great
book report at school today.
141
00:06:11,372 --> 00:06:14,806
Well, thanks. All the credit
goes to Slash's biography.
142
00:06:14,808 --> 00:06:16,007
What a maniac.
143
00:06:16,009 --> 00:06:17,676
Well, all I know is
144
00:06:17,678 --> 00:06:19,678
you looked cute
while you gave it.
145
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:22,180
Hey, Chris. I didn't know
you knew my daughter.
146
00:06:22,182 --> 00:06:24,416
Sure, I do.
We're in the same gossip group
147
00:06:24,418 --> 00:06:26,585
in the cafeteria at lunch.
148
00:06:26,587 --> 00:06:28,920
Pick a little, talk a little,
pick a little, talk a little
149
00:06:28,922 --> 00:06:31,022
Cheep, cheep, cheep, talk
a lot, pick a little more.
150
00:06:31,024 --> 00:06:33,558
Come on, Pam, we got to go
before they see the tip.
151
00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:35,026
40%?
152
00:06:35,028 --> 00:06:37,929
I would've left more, but
he messed up our order.
153
00:06:37,931 --> 00:06:39,364
I'm sorry, I got to go.
154
00:06:39,366 --> 00:06:41,600
I like bumping into
you outside of school.
155
00:06:41,602 --> 00:06:43,168
You should move into our house.
156
00:06:44,338 --> 00:06:45,871
You're funny, Chris.
157
00:06:45,873 --> 00:06:49,274
Hey, uh, maybe we could...
hang out again sometime.
158
00:06:49,276 --> 00:06:51,176
You know, if you want.
159
00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:54,246
I'd like that.
160
00:06:54,248 --> 00:06:56,448
Ooh!
161
00:06:56,450 --> 00:06:58,517
See you at school, Chris.
162
00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:02,788
Hey, Chris. These...
163
00:07:02,790 --> 00:07:05,123
on her nipples.
164
00:07:05,125 --> 00:07:06,925
Kill that one.
165
00:07:12,031 --> 00:07:14,099
The Hallmark Channel
is proud to present
166
00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:16,401
Hallmark Greeting Cards
Explained.
167
00:07:16,403 --> 00:07:18,804
So, there's a penguin
on the front and it says,
168
00:07:18,806 --> 00:07:20,105
"I hear you're 40."
169
00:07:20,107 --> 00:07:22,073
And when you're 40,
your eyes start to go.
170
00:07:22,075 --> 00:07:24,075
And then y-you open the card.
171
00:07:24,077 --> 00:07:26,144
And then "happy birthday"
is all blurry,
172
00:07:26,146 --> 00:07:29,381
because whoever opens the card
is 40 and you want to
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00:07:29,383 --> 00:07:33,552
give them the impression that
their eyes are starting to go.
174
00:07:33,554 --> 00:07:36,555
Hey, guys, there's someone
I want you to meet.
175
00:07:36,557 --> 00:07:38,657
Pam, this
is my family.
176
00:07:38,659 --> 00:07:41,626
Family, this
is my girlfriend, Pam.
177
00:07:41,628 --> 00:07:43,929
You know, Chris, Usher
categorizes his girls
178
00:07:43,931 --> 00:07:45,897
into two groups:
bitches he's with
179
00:07:45,899 --> 00:07:47,732
and bitches he's gonna get with.
180
00:07:47,734 --> 00:07:49,901
So is this one you got
or one you gon' get?
181
00:07:49,903 --> 00:07:52,971
Wait. Jerome's daughter
is your girlfriend?
182
00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:55,407
Chris, can I speak to you
for a moment privately?
183
00:07:57,176 --> 00:07:59,611
I voted
for Obama once.
184
00:07:59,613 --> 00:08:02,113
Dad, if this is about Pam...
185
00:08:02,115 --> 00:08:03,348
Yes, it is about Pam.
186
00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:04,783
And I have
something to say.
187
00:08:04,785 --> 00:08:07,118
Chris, she's...
she's not fat.
188
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:08,186
What?
189
00:08:08,188 --> 00:08:10,322
I-I figured the day you
came home with a girl,
190
00:08:10,324 --> 00:08:12,424
we'd have to back her
through the garage.
191
00:08:12,426 --> 00:08:14,993
A little further,
little further.
192
00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:17,963
Little further...
Whoa! Whoa, whoa.
193
00:08:17,965 --> 00:08:19,197
Okay, all right.
Now, do you prefer
194
00:08:19,199 --> 00:08:21,666
"Fatty" or
"Miss Boom-Bi-Latty?"
195
00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:24,536
So, you don't mind
that Pam is... black?
196
00:08:24,538 --> 00:08:26,438
Chris, it's 1998.
197
00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:29,307
Actually, Dad...
Peter Griffin does not see color.
198
00:08:29,309 --> 00:08:31,176
Now, let's go see if
your mom's done listing
199
00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:33,812
all the black people she's
ever seen on television.
200
00:08:33,814 --> 00:08:38,683
Flip Wilson, John Amos,
Diahann Carroll,
201
00:08:38,685 --> 00:08:40,051
that monster
that plays tennis.
202
00:08:43,956 --> 00:08:46,691
So, I saw Chris is dating
Jerome's daughter.
203
00:08:46,693 --> 00:08:49,060
Looks like they've had
some pretty hot dates.
204
00:08:49,062 --> 00:08:50,896
Don't, uh...
don't look at my kids
205
00:08:50,898 --> 00:08:53,398
when they're off doing
their private lives.
206
00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:56,501
Hey, there's my new
brother-in-law brother, now.
207
00:08:56,503 --> 00:08:58,203
Griffin, you and me
have to talk.
208
00:08:58,205 --> 00:08:59,638
What's up, blood?
209
00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:02,407
Nobody's dating nobody.
You understand?
210
00:09:02,409 --> 00:09:03,575
Oh, don't worry, Jerome.
211
00:09:03,577 --> 00:09:05,744
I already gave
Chris the sex talk.
212
00:09:05,746 --> 00:09:08,847
It's... awesome.
213
00:09:08,849 --> 00:09:10,549
Peter, you don't understand.
214
00:09:10,551 --> 00:09:12,651
I don't want Pam
dating a white boy.
215
00:09:12,653 --> 00:09:14,553
What? Jerome.
216
00:09:14,555 --> 00:09:15,987
You're a racist.
217
00:09:15,989 --> 00:09:17,822
Black people
can't be racist.
218
00:09:17,824 --> 00:09:20,892
We can be way sexist,
but we ain't racist.
219
00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:22,827
Sure, black people
can be racist.
220
00:09:22,829 --> 00:09:24,829
They gave Michelle Pfeiffer
such a hard time.
221
00:09:24,831 --> 00:09:26,831
She didn't pick that school;
they sent her there.
222
00:09:26,833 --> 00:09:27,999
Coolio had her back.
223
00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:30,101
Look, I think if you
got to know us better,
224
00:09:30,103 --> 00:09:31,069
you wouldn't have
any problem
225
00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:32,704
with your daughter
dating one of us.
226
00:09:32,706 --> 00:09:34,005
I'll date her.
227
00:09:34,007 --> 00:09:36,274
Look, why don't you and Pam
come over tomorrow night,
228
00:09:36,276 --> 00:09:37,776
a-and you'll see
that white people
229
00:09:37,778 --> 00:09:39,578
are even better
than black people.
230
00:09:39,580 --> 00:09:40,912
Peter. Y-Y-You
know what I mean.
231
00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:42,847
They-they're equal.
Separate but equal.
232
00:09:42,849 --> 00:09:44,516
Peter.
Just equal.
233
00:09:44,518 --> 00:09:46,284
All right, we'll
come to dinner.
234
00:09:46,286 --> 00:09:48,219
But I want you to know
I'm very skeptical
235
00:09:48,221 --> 00:09:49,788
about this whole thing.
236
00:09:49,790 --> 00:09:50,956
Oh, that's okay.
Hey, listen,
237
00:09:50,958 --> 00:09:53,792
I was skeptical about
traveling to Mexico.
238
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:57,629
I took one step
outside the resort.
239
00:10:02,401 --> 00:10:04,469
Thanks for having us to
dinner, Mrs. Griffin.
240
00:10:04,471 --> 00:10:05,971
Oh, my pleasure, Pam.
241
00:10:05,973 --> 00:10:08,773
Yes. I, for one, say
this is long overdue.
242
00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:11,943
It's about time people of color
broke bread at this table.
243
00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:13,812
Broke bread? W-What?
244
00:10:13,814 --> 00:10:16,448
Who are you, St. Francis
of Assisi all of a sudden?
245
00:10:16,450 --> 00:10:18,783
Jerome, you have done
a wonderful job raising Pam
246
00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:20,552
to be a lovely
young woman.
247
00:10:20,554 --> 00:10:22,287
You say that like
you're surprised.
248
00:10:22,289 --> 00:10:23,655
I-I beg your pardon?
249
00:10:23,657 --> 00:10:25,957
Sounds like you're saying
a single black man
250
00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,993
can't raise a child
on his own.
251
00:10:27,995 --> 00:10:29,928
Yes, Lois, what
are you saying?
252
00:10:29,930 --> 00:10:31,930
You know, before I speak,
I like to ask myself,
253
00:10:31,932 --> 00:10:34,933
"Would Dr. King approve
of what I'm about to say?"
254
00:10:34,935 --> 00:10:37,168
Most of the time,
I find that he would.
255
00:10:37,170 --> 00:10:40,171
Dad, I think Mrs. Griffin was
just giving you a compliment.
256
00:10:40,173 --> 00:10:41,940
Yeah, I was just trying to say
257
00:10:41,942 --> 00:10:45,010
we all appreciate having you
in our home.
258
00:10:45,012 --> 00:10:47,612
Oh, so suddenly
we're all friends?
259
00:10:47,614 --> 00:10:49,614
Wait, w-we've always
been friends.
260
00:10:49,616 --> 00:10:51,282
If we're friends,
what's my last name?
261
00:10:51,284 --> 00:10:52,283
Cool J?
262
00:10:52,285 --> 00:10:53,451
Where am I from?
263
00:10:53,453 --> 00:10:55,020
The south part
of a large city?
264
00:10:55,022 --> 00:10:56,020
Where'd I go to college?
265
00:10:56,022 --> 00:10:59,124
Does it air commercials
during daytime judge programs?
266
00:10:59,126 --> 00:11:01,960
Peter, you only got two of
those three things right.
267
00:11:01,962 --> 00:11:04,095
Look, I know what
this is about.
268
00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:06,598
You're being all nice
just so your son can get
269
00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:07,999
into my daughter's pants.
270
00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:09,267
Dad, stop it.
271
00:11:09,269 --> 00:11:11,670
White guys don't want a
relationship with black women...
272
00:11:11,672 --> 00:11:13,605
they just want a notch
on their belt.
273
00:11:13,607 --> 00:11:15,640
You're a novelty
to these people.
274
00:11:15,642 --> 00:11:16,841
"These people"?
275
00:11:16,843 --> 00:11:19,444
This is the moment in the meal
when I stand up!
276
00:11:19,446 --> 00:11:21,012
W-Wait a minute, "a novelty"?
277
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:23,448
We used to date
before I met Peter.
278
00:11:23,450 --> 00:11:25,850
S-So what are white women
to black men?
279
00:11:25,852 --> 00:11:29,220
A very pleasant page
in our memory books.
280
00:11:29,222 --> 00:11:30,555
Aw.
281
00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:32,357
Oh, yeah, that's right.
You banged my wife.
282
00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:33,792
She did? Huh.
283
00:11:33,794 --> 00:11:35,794
No wonder I had
so much room in there.
284
00:11:35,796 --> 00:11:37,629
Her womb was like one
of those places
285
00:11:37,631 --> 00:11:39,998
where they reconstruct
crashed airplanes.
286
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:42,067
Look, Jerome, I-I know
you think we're all terrible,
287
00:11:42,069 --> 00:11:45,036
but white people have done a lot
of good things for the world.
288
00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:46,871
Oh, yeah? Like what?
289
00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:48,640
Well, I'll tell you!
Listen up.
290
00:11:51,878 --> 00:11:53,878
We gave you Eminem
291
00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:55,880
And Justin Bieber, too
292
00:11:55,882 --> 00:11:59,751
Even though they dress
and try to talk like you
293
00:11:59,753 --> 00:12:01,519
The music of Taylor Swift
294
00:12:01,521 --> 00:12:03,855
And clothing from J.Crew
295
00:12:03,857 --> 00:12:06,091
And Jon Heder
296
00:12:06,093 --> 00:12:07,926
Also half
of Derek Jeter
297
00:12:07,928 --> 00:12:11,229
Add to that a fleet
of soccer moms
298
00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:14,933
Packed into
their yoga tights
299
00:12:14,935 --> 00:12:19,037
And so for all this awesome,
neat, wonderful stuff
300
00:12:19,039 --> 00:12:20,605
You know,
you don't thank the Lord
301
00:12:20,607 --> 00:12:22,607
You thank the whites
302
00:12:22,609 --> 00:12:26,578
Thank the whites
303
00:12:26,580 --> 00:12:28,580
You know,
you don't thank the Lord
304
00:12:28,582 --> 00:12:30,448
You thank the whites
305
00:12:30,450 --> 00:12:32,450
We gave you Breaking Bad
306
00:12:32,452 --> 00:12:34,219
And all the songs
by Creed
307
00:12:34,221 --> 00:12:36,387
All the cast
of Friend
308
00:12:36,389 --> 00:12:38,123
And trash like Tara Reid
309
00:12:38,125 --> 00:12:41,960
A virtual world of porn
so you can spill your seed
310
00:12:41,962 --> 00:12:44,462
Ray-Ban glasses
311
00:12:44,464 --> 00:12:46,431
Leggy blondes
with tiny asses
312
00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:49,934
Frisbee sports
and fancy coffee, too
313
00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:53,371
Energy-efficient lights
314
00:12:53,373 --> 00:12:57,041
And so for all this awesome,
neat, wonderful stuff
315
00:12:57,043 --> 00:12:59,043
You know, you don't
thank the Lord
316
00:12:59,045 --> 00:13:01,279
You thank the whites
317
00:13:01,281 --> 00:13:04,949
Thank the whites,
thank the whites
318
00:13:04,951 --> 00:13:07,452
You know,
you don't thank the Lord
319
00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:12,123
You thank the whites.
320
00:13:14,927 --> 00:13:16,494
You know what?
That song only made me
321
00:13:16,496 --> 00:13:18,096
hate white people
even more.
322
00:13:18,098 --> 00:13:19,664
What about
eight more verses?
323
00:13:19,666 --> 00:13:21,499
Let's go, Pam.
We're leaving.
324
00:13:21,501 --> 00:13:23,935
But, Dad,
Chris treats me really well.
325
00:13:23,937 --> 00:13:26,070
He gave me
this diamond necklace.
326
00:13:26,072 --> 00:13:28,072
That's my diamond necklace!
327
00:13:28,074 --> 00:13:29,908
Cool it. I'm trying to get laid.
328
00:13:29,910 --> 00:13:31,810
Look, this ain't
happening, Pam.
329
00:13:31,812 --> 00:13:33,645
Straight up.
You ain't swervin' with him,
330
00:13:33,647 --> 00:13:36,080
you ain't gonna shump-a-jump,
you're not hollerin' at him,
331
00:13:36,082 --> 00:13:38,016
you ain't his shorty
or his boo.
332
00:13:38,018 --> 00:13:40,618
Oh, my God, Lois, I think
he just summoned Candyman.
333
00:13:40,620 --> 00:13:42,053
You're a fool.
334
00:13:51,263 --> 00:13:53,198
I was hoping
they'd be darker.
335
00:14:00,773 --> 00:14:03,508
God, I miss Pam
so much.
336
00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:06,010
I don't think
I can live without her.
337
00:14:06,012 --> 00:14:08,313
It's okay, Chris.
Hey, here's someone your type.
338
00:14:08,315 --> 00:14:10,481
Whoo-wee, Chris! You're cute!
339
00:14:10,483 --> 00:14:12,050
Stewie, that's
Log Cabin.
340
00:14:12,052 --> 00:14:13,985
Uh, h-he gets the joke.
341
00:14:13,987 --> 00:14:15,987
I'm sorry, Chris.
Jerome just doesn't think
342
00:14:15,989 --> 00:14:17,989
his daughter should date
a white guy.
343
00:14:17,991 --> 00:14:19,991
Black racism
is the biggest problem
344
00:14:19,993 --> 00:14:22,026
facing this country today.
345
00:14:22,028 --> 00:14:24,462
You know, I should go
over there and fight for Pam.
346
00:14:24,464 --> 00:14:26,130
Absolutely you should.
347
00:14:26,132 --> 00:14:27,966
You should always fight
for what you believe in.
348
00:14:27,968 --> 00:14:29,400
Like Patrick Henry.
349
00:14:29,402 --> 00:14:32,370
Give me liberty
or give me death.
350
00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:35,406
Oh, that was easy.
351
00:14:35,408 --> 00:14:36,574
I know, right?
352
00:14:36,576 --> 00:14:38,710
Ryan wanted to give him liberty.
353
00:14:38,712 --> 00:14:40,945
You do the paperwork, Ryan.
354
00:14:44,183 --> 00:14:48,419
And now the HBO
original series, Boys.
355
00:14:48,421 --> 00:14:50,521
Hey, sorry I slept
with that girl you liked.
356
00:14:50,523 --> 00:14:51,689
Eh, it's cool.
357
00:14:51,691 --> 00:14:53,524
Did you walk around naked
after you had sex?
358
00:14:53,526 --> 00:14:55,927
What? No. No one
wants to see that.
359
00:14:55,929 --> 00:14:57,929
Isn't this time in our lives
so interesting?
360
00:14:57,931 --> 00:14:59,664
No.
361
00:14:59,666 --> 00:15:02,000
Griffin! Where the hell
is my daughter?
362
00:15:02,002 --> 00:15:05,103
She left me a note saying
she ran off with Chris.
363
00:15:05,105 --> 00:15:06,537
Oh, my God, Chris?
364
00:15:06,539 --> 00:15:08,907
That dirtbag hangs
around my daughter, too!
365
00:15:08,909 --> 00:15:10,575
I don't have time
for your nonsense.
366
00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:11,876
I got to find
my daughter.
367
00:15:11,878 --> 00:15:14,112
Look, let me help you!
I'm great at finding stuff.
368
00:15:14,114 --> 00:15:15,880
Last night, I found
Lois's G-spot.
369
00:15:15,882 --> 00:15:17,949
No, he didn't!
I didn't know she was home.
370
00:15:17,951 --> 00:15:20,285
I was able to please her
in other ways, though.
371
00:15:20,287 --> 00:15:22,854
No!
Okay, let's just go.
372
00:15:26,525 --> 00:15:27,892
My dad's such a jerk.
373
00:15:27,894 --> 00:15:31,062
I'm glad we ran away.
Yeah.
374
00:15:31,064 --> 00:15:34,799
So... what do people do
in motels?
375
00:15:34,801 --> 00:15:36,401
They get naked.
376
00:15:36,403 --> 00:15:39,570
Okay, but all I know about sex
is from Internet porn,
377
00:15:39,572 --> 00:15:42,707
so I'm very excited
to try buffering.
378
00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:44,876
Then I'll leave you alone
379
00:15:44,878 --> 00:15:46,978
to get undressed and
under the covers,
380
00:15:46,980 --> 00:15:49,013
and I'll be right back.
381
00:15:58,090 --> 00:16:00,825
Hey, I'm trying to sleep
and urinate here.
382
00:16:00,827 --> 00:16:02,660
Do you mind using
the other bed?
383
00:16:02,662 --> 00:16:03,761
Sorry.
384
00:16:03,763 --> 00:16:05,763
I was the cousin in Vacation.
385
00:16:05,765 --> 00:16:07,532
Yeah, I know who you are.
386
00:16:10,602 --> 00:16:12,170
How do I look?
387
00:16:12,172 --> 00:16:14,272
Oh, God. Are we at that part
of the relationship?
388
00:16:14,274 --> 00:16:15,773
You look fine!
389
00:16:15,775 --> 00:16:18,176
Pam, this may come
as a surprise to you,
390
00:16:18,178 --> 00:16:21,112
but I am not
an experienced lover.
391
00:16:21,114 --> 00:16:23,614
Don't worry. It's my
first time, too.
392
00:16:23,616 --> 00:16:26,351
Wow, I guess everybody
has a first time.
393
00:16:26,353 --> 00:16:28,753
Even Maverick from Top Gun.
394
00:16:28,755 --> 00:16:30,822
Thank you, pretty lady!
395
00:16:35,861 --> 00:16:39,130
So, all those other black
drivers that you're nodding at,
396
00:16:39,132 --> 00:16:40,865
do you know them?
397
00:16:46,705 --> 00:16:47,872
Ah, man.
398
00:16:47,874 --> 00:16:49,974
Look, relax. We'll just
tell him the truth.
399
00:16:49,976 --> 00:16:51,142
We're cruising
around town
400
00:16:51,144 --> 00:16:53,978
looking for a sexually active
14-year-old boy.
401
00:16:53,980 --> 00:16:56,647
You have any idea how
fast you were going?
402
00:16:56,649 --> 00:16:58,449
I was going the speed limit,
Officer.
403
00:16:58,451 --> 00:16:59,550
He was.
404
00:16:59,552 --> 00:17:01,052
Are you here against
your will, sir?
405
00:17:01,054 --> 00:17:03,888
If you're asking if I'd rather
be at the zoo, then yes.
406
00:17:03,890 --> 00:17:05,390
Maybe you step
out of the car
407
00:17:05,392 --> 00:17:07,458
and we see if you've
been drinking.
408
00:17:09,129 --> 00:17:13,531
I'm too fat to be
in the car by myself.
409
00:17:16,468 --> 00:17:19,637
The police pull me over for
made-up violations all the time.
410
00:17:19,639 --> 00:17:22,373
You don't know what it's like
to be treated like a criminal.
411
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:23,975
What's it like?
Bad.
412
00:17:23,977 --> 00:17:25,676
Whoa.
413
00:17:25,678 --> 00:17:28,012
I've never broken a law
in my life, Peter.
414
00:17:28,014 --> 00:17:29,814
I'm a 42-year-old man,
415
00:17:29,816 --> 00:17:31,549
I own a business,
I pay my taxes,
416
00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:33,418
and yet I got to deal
with this crap
417
00:17:33,420 --> 00:17:35,086
every time
I step outside my house.
418
00:17:35,088 --> 00:17:39,057
Makes me so damn angry, I don't
know what to do with myself.
419
00:17:39,059 --> 00:17:40,558
Well, you should be like me.
420
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:43,294
Whenever I get angry,
I go do some Footloose dancing.
421
00:18:07,886 --> 00:18:10,888
You can never, never, never,
ever, never, never
422
00:18:10,890 --> 00:18:14,425
Never, ever hide your heart
423
00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:16,727
Don't ever, ever
424
00:18:16,729 --> 00:18:21,866
Ever, ever try
425
00:18:21,868 --> 00:18:23,868
I'm also thinking
about ice creams.
426
00:18:23,870 --> 00:18:25,937
Don't give...
427
00:18:25,939 --> 00:18:28,106
Peter, you seem
like a nice guy.
428
00:18:28,108 --> 00:18:30,208
I don't mind having
you in my bar, man,
429
00:18:30,210 --> 00:18:32,610
but it's different when
it's your baby girl.
430
00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:35,113
I guess.
I just have boys.
431
00:18:35,115 --> 00:18:37,081
Forgive me for being
a protective father,
432
00:18:37,083 --> 00:18:39,984
but white people have exploited
and mistreated blacks
433
00:18:39,986 --> 00:18:43,955
for centuries, and I'm not gonna
let that happen to Pam.
434
00:18:43,957 --> 00:18:48,159
Wow, we've driven 55 miles
with the gas light on.
435
00:18:53,333 --> 00:18:55,500
Hold it right there!
436
00:18:55,502 --> 00:18:56,934
Dad! Jerome!
437
00:18:56,936 --> 00:18:58,736
How did you find us?!
438
00:18:58,738 --> 00:19:01,572
We didn't.
You just told us.
439
00:19:01,574 --> 00:19:02,640
You okay, honey?
440
00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:04,075
Dad, I'm fine.
441
00:19:04,077 --> 00:19:05,643
Don't worry.
Nothing happened.
442
00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:09,413
I tucked it between my legs
as a joke and then it got stuck.
443
00:19:09,415 --> 00:19:13,484
Look, I'm sorry, Chris, but we
got to respect Jerome's wishes.
444
00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:15,920
Now that I understand
what he's been through,
445
00:19:15,922 --> 00:19:17,989
I realize he's a good
man who has reason
446
00:19:17,991 --> 00:19:19,957
to be a little
suspicious of Whitey.
447
00:19:19,959 --> 00:19:21,959
Thank you
for understanding, Peter.
448
00:19:21,961 --> 00:19:24,295
Jerome is right. White is
white, black is black...
449
00:19:24,297 --> 00:19:26,297
got to keep the races
completely separate.
450
00:19:26,299 --> 00:19:29,200
That... wasn't
exactly my point.
451
00:19:29,202 --> 00:19:30,868
Chris, from now on,
I don't want you
452
00:19:30,870 --> 00:19:31,968
talking to any
black people.
453
00:19:31,970 --> 00:19:34,372
How the hell am I supposed
to get through airport security?
454
00:19:34,374 --> 00:19:35,806
We'll figure it out.
455
00:19:35,808 --> 00:19:37,375
It's the least we
can do for Jerome.
456
00:19:37,377 --> 00:19:39,243
Isn't that
right, Jerome?
457
00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:47,351
Is that the lesson
you want me to learn, Dad?
458
00:19:47,353 --> 00:19:49,620
No, baby.
459
00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:52,190
You know, Peter,
maybe I did overreact.
460
00:19:52,192 --> 00:19:54,292
Just 'cause I've experienced
some hard times
461
00:19:54,294 --> 00:19:57,695
doesn't mean this generation
can't teach us a thing or two.
462
00:19:57,697 --> 00:19:59,897
All right,
463
00:19:59,899 --> 00:20:01,799
if these kids want to date,
464
00:20:01,801 --> 00:20:04,302
then I guess
that's okay with me.
465
00:20:07,973 --> 00:20:10,474
It takes a man
with a crazy big hog
466
00:20:10,476 --> 00:20:11,809
to admit when
he's wrong.
467
00:20:11,811 --> 00:20:14,478
Thanks, Peter.
468
00:20:15,915 --> 00:20:17,915
Hey, Jerome,
you want to help me kill Randy Quaid? Who?33805
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