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1
00:00:01,434 --> 00:00:04,203
It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:04,205 --> 00:00:07,606
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:07,608 --> 00:00:11,276
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,278 --> 00:00:14,279
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,281 --> 00:00:17,783
Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:17,785 --> 00:00:21,053
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
7
00:00:21,055 --> 00:00:22,888
All the things that make us
8
00:00:22,890 --> 00:00:24,456
Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,458 --> 00:00:29,094
He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
10
00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:38,203
You shower
with your dog every day.
11
00:00:38,205 --> 00:00:40,072
Do you and your dog use
the same soap?
12
00:00:40,074 --> 00:00:43,242
If so, one of you
is damaging your hair.
13
00:00:43,244 --> 00:00:45,077
Really?
14
00:00:45,079 --> 00:00:48,047
Dial Cross Species
is specially formulated
15
00:00:48,049 --> 00:00:50,049
for both humans and dogs.
16
00:00:50,051 --> 00:00:51,583
You'll like
that it gets you clean.
17
00:00:51,585 --> 00:00:53,185
He'll like
that it smells like beef.
18
00:00:53,187 --> 00:00:55,220
That sounds great!
19
00:00:55,222 --> 00:00:57,923
Jim, are you showering
with the dog again?
20
00:00:57,925 --> 00:00:59,258
What the hell?!
21
00:00:59,260 --> 00:01:00,392
All right, Peter,
I'm leaving.
22
00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:02,327
Bonnie invited me to
the shooting range.
23
00:01:02,329 --> 00:01:03,595
What?
24
00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:06,065
Yeah, Bonnie says
she goes every week.
25
00:01:12,273 --> 00:01:15,074
I think next time
you should bring someone else.
26
00:01:15,076 --> 00:01:17,509
Now, you'll be watching Stewie,
and I don't want you just
27
00:01:17,511 --> 00:01:19,244
to prop him up next
to the TV all day.
28
00:01:19,246 --> 00:01:21,046
Take him to
the park.
29
00:01:21,048 --> 00:01:22,214
I want him to get
some fresh air.
30
00:01:22,216 --> 00:01:24,116
Fresh air is bad
for a kid, Lois.
31
00:01:24,118 --> 00:01:25,884
Look at Michael J. Fox.
32
00:01:25,886 --> 00:01:27,086
What?
I don't know.
33
00:01:27,088 --> 00:01:28,754
Peter, you are taking
Stewie to the park.
34
00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:31,190
It'll do you good to spend
some time with your son.
35
00:01:31,192 --> 00:01:33,125
I spend lots of time
with him, Lois.
36
00:01:33,127 --> 00:01:35,294
Just last week,
I took him to the doctor.
37
00:01:35,296 --> 00:01:37,963
Mr. Griffin, you're here
to get your prostate examined?
38
00:01:37,965 --> 00:01:40,099
Yeah, this is me.
39
00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:46,105
Is that your
little one there?
40
00:01:46,107 --> 00:01:49,141
Oh, no, it's-it's just
the way I'm sitting.
41
00:01:49,143 --> 00:01:51,143
Ah, nothing like a day
at the park,
42
00:01:51,145 --> 00:01:54,279
surrounded by overcompensating
divorced dads.
43
00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:56,115
Wow! Look how high
you're going!
44
00:01:56,117 --> 00:01:57,916
What an amazing day this is!
45
00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:01,553
Is Mommy spending
$2,500 a month on you?
46
00:02:01,555 --> 00:02:03,789
Because that's what
I'm sending Mommy!
47
00:02:03,791 --> 00:02:05,991
Oh, my God,
it's only been five minutes,
48
00:02:05,993 --> 00:02:09,027
and I'm already bored
out of my mind.
49
00:02:11,297 --> 00:02:13,532
Damn, I wish I could go
to the Clam.
50
00:02:15,568 --> 00:02:19,471
Aah! Well, I guess
I see those guys all the time.
51
00:02:23,343 --> 00:02:25,144
A clown?!
Eh, well, I guess
52
00:02:25,146 --> 00:02:27,579
what's the big deal, huh?
It's just one.
53
00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:37,789
Oh, I was quite sure it was just
one from the size of the car!
54
00:02:37,791 --> 00:02:39,191
Hello?
55
00:02:39,193 --> 00:02:40,359
Peter, where the hell are you?
56
00:02:40,361 --> 00:02:41,693
You got to get down
to the Clam, man.
57
00:02:41,695 --> 00:02:43,328
There's, like,
60 clowns in here.
58
00:02:43,330 --> 00:02:45,030
Ugh, I can't.
I got to watch Stewie.
59
00:02:45,032 --> 00:02:48,300
Peter, they threw what I thought
was a bucket of water on me,
60
00:02:48,302 --> 00:02:51,370
but it turns out,
it was just a bunch of confetti!
61
00:02:51,372 --> 00:02:53,372
Oh, man, I got
to get over there!
62
00:02:58,378 --> 00:03:01,947
Okay, okay. It's okay
as long as I can still see him.
63
00:03:01,949 --> 00:03:03,615
Okay, Stewie, there you are.
64
00:03:03,617 --> 00:03:05,217
There you are, safe and sound.
65
00:03:05,219 --> 00:03:07,386
Daddy can still see you.
66
00:03:08,521 --> 00:03:10,822
Okay, Daddy
can still see you.
67
00:03:10,824 --> 00:03:13,292
Daddy can still see you.
68
00:03:19,232 --> 00:03:22,367
Daddy can still see you.
69
00:03:32,679 --> 00:03:37,082
That was a wink, but you don't
know it 'cause it's just a eye.
70
00:03:40,420 --> 00:03:42,988
MAN
We now return to Superman.
71
00:03:44,758 --> 00:03:46,391
Lois, what's wrong?
72
00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:48,260
Clark, we all have
breast cancer!
73
00:03:48,262 --> 00:03:51,063
The doctor says it's as if
our breasts have been X-rayed
74
00:03:51,065 --> 00:03:54,433
five hours a day, every day,
for the last three years!
75
00:03:54,435 --> 00:03:56,401
Oh, my God,
that's terrible.
76
00:03:56,403 --> 00:03:59,238
First, every woman I've ever
known, and now you guys.
77
00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:00,872
Ah!
78
00:04:00,874 --> 00:04:03,442
Boy, it was smart
to wait out that thunderstorm.
79
00:04:03,444 --> 00:04:05,711
Aah, it's Lois!
80
00:04:05,713 --> 00:04:07,412
Oh, my God! Stewie!
81
00:04:07,414 --> 00:04:09,114
Oh, uh, hey, Lois.
82
00:04:09,116 --> 00:04:10,382
H-Hey, it's hard to hear you
83
00:04:10,384 --> 00:04:12,584
over the sound
of joyful children in the park.
84
00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:15,220
Are you and Stewie
having a good time?
85
00:04:15,222 --> 00:04:16,288
Uh, uh, yeah.
86
00:04:16,290 --> 00:04:17,923
Okay, well, let me talk to him.
87
00:04:17,925 --> 00:04:20,259
I want to tell him
Mommy's on her way home.
88
00:04:20,261 --> 00:04:21,927
She wants to talk to Stewie.
What do I do?!
89
00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:24,363
Here, give me the phone.
I do a great Stewie.
90
00:04:24,365 --> 00:04:26,465
Hey, Lois,
it's me, the baby.
91
00:04:26,467 --> 00:04:29,368
Hi, Stewie. I'm on my way home.
92
00:04:29,370 --> 00:04:30,736
Mommy misses you.
93
00:04:30,738 --> 00:04:32,237
All right, cool.
94
00:04:32,239 --> 00:04:34,373
Bring some beef
jerky maybe.
95
00:04:34,375 --> 00:04:37,609
I just bought
you ten minutes.
96
00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,544
Stewie?
97
00:04:44,450 --> 00:04:46,952
Oh, there's my boy.
98
00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:50,889
Hey, what happened
to my new friend,
99
00:04:50,891 --> 00:04:53,292
that kid who sort of
looks like me from behind?
100
00:04:53,294 --> 00:04:55,394
Wait. Where's the fat man?
101
00:04:57,431 --> 00:04:59,464
Well, I guess this is it.
102
00:04:59,466 --> 00:05:00,899
I'm gonna die here.
103
00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:02,401
I'll never get to grow old
104
00:05:02,403 --> 00:05:04,336
and become an across-the-country
grandparent.
105
00:05:04,338 --> 00:05:06,138
What is this?
106
00:05:06,140 --> 00:05:07,506
It's a Skype.
107
00:05:07,508 --> 00:05:09,508
A Snyke?
No, a Skype.
108
00:05:09,510 --> 00:05:10,642
Snype?
109
00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:13,845
No, it's a Skype...
from your grandson.
110
00:05:13,847 --> 00:05:15,347
Stephen?
111
00:05:15,349 --> 00:05:18,317
Yes! He's right there
trying to say hi to you.
112
00:05:18,319 --> 00:05:19,685
What movie is this?
113
00:05:19,687 --> 00:05:21,486
It's not a movie.
114
00:05:21,488 --> 00:05:23,121
It's your grandson!
115
00:05:23,123 --> 00:05:25,190
My grandson is in the pictures?
116
00:05:25,192 --> 00:05:27,326
You did this yesterday!
117
00:05:27,328 --> 00:05:28,460
Don't holler at me!
118
00:05:28,462 --> 00:05:30,162
I don't understand anything!
119
00:05:30,164 --> 00:05:31,930
I'm very frightened!
120
00:05:35,301 --> 00:05:36,335
Wait a minute.
121
00:05:36,337 --> 00:05:39,371
Stewie, what happened
to your head?
122
00:05:39,373 --> 00:05:40,872
Oh, you're not Stewie.
123
00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:43,542
I got to get you back
to the park and find...
124
00:05:51,517 --> 00:05:53,485
All right, kid,
your name is Stewie, all right?
125
00:05:53,487 --> 00:05:54,986
I'm your new dad.
126
00:05:54,988 --> 00:05:57,456
My name is Peter,
and I work at the brewer...
127
00:05:57,458 --> 00:06:00,359
NASA. I work at NASA.
128
00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:02,828
Uh, hey, Lois.
129
00:06:02,830 --> 00:06:05,897
You look fat.
You should go for a run. Peter!
130
00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:08,233
I'm gonna go give my
baby a kiss good night.
131
00:06:08,235 --> 00:06:11,503
Uh, Lois, I had an affair, and
I think we should talk about it!
132
00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:15,073
Peter, jamming yourself into
a grapefruit is not an affair.
133
00:06:19,245 --> 00:06:22,214
See? There's a human baby
in there.
134
00:06:22,216 --> 00:06:24,249
Asleep in Stewie's overalls.
135
00:06:24,251 --> 00:06:26,251
Peter, please get
out of my way!
136
00:06:26,253 --> 00:06:27,486
Aah!
137
00:06:27,488 --> 00:06:28,587
Aah!
Aah!
138
00:06:29,423 --> 00:06:31,790
Great. We woke up the doorbell.
139
00:06:32,658 --> 00:06:34,426
I think there was
a mix-up at the park.
140
00:06:34,428 --> 00:06:36,661
My little Stewie!
141
00:06:36,663 --> 00:06:38,196
Oh, Jacob!
142
00:06:38,198 --> 00:06:40,265
Wh-Where's your little hat?
143
00:06:40,267 --> 00:06:41,433
He didn't have a hat.
144
00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:43,034
Oh, I am so sorry.
145
00:06:43,036 --> 00:06:44,436
I just got
home myself.
146
00:06:44,438 --> 00:06:45,837
I left my husband in charge,
147
00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:48,440
which was obviously
a terrible mistake.
148
00:06:48,442 --> 00:06:51,443
Thank you so much.
149
00:06:51,445 --> 00:06:53,578
I took a bath
with the dad.
150
00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:55,847
Mmm. Oh, my baby's
back home.
151
00:06:55,849 --> 00:06:57,282
Mommy missed you.
152
00:06:57,284 --> 00:06:58,450
Congratulations, Lois.
153
00:06:58,452 --> 00:07:00,185
You passed the test.
154
00:07:00,187 --> 00:07:01,520
You really do
love Stewie.
155
00:07:01,522 --> 00:07:03,054
Now, what do you
say we all sit down
156
00:07:03,056 --> 00:07:05,424
and watch this Weird Al
Yankovic documentary?
157
00:07:05,426 --> 00:07:07,859
It's called
An Inconvenient Tooth.
158
00:07:07,861 --> 00:07:10,462
What's wrong
with you, Peter?!
159
00:07:10,464 --> 00:07:11,563
Lois, I'm sorry.
160
00:07:11,565 --> 00:07:13,465
How the hell
can you possibly
161
00:07:13,467 --> 00:07:14,566
mistake another baby
for Stewie?!
162
00:07:14,568 --> 00:07:16,101
Now, calm down, Lois.
163
00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:17,636
You're gonna say
something you don't mean.
164
00:07:17,638 --> 00:07:20,472
Oh, no, I'm not!
You're an idiot!
165
00:07:20,474 --> 00:07:22,474
You don't mean that.
166
00:07:22,476 --> 00:07:24,976
I already got a Facebook
friend request from the dad.
167
00:07:24,978 --> 00:07:26,545
Is that weird?
168
00:07:26,547 --> 00:07:28,713
Peter, I have put up
with your nonsense for 20 years,
169
00:07:28,715 --> 00:07:30,615
but today
you crossed a line.
170
00:07:30,617 --> 00:07:32,617
You left a helpless baby
in a public park.
171
00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:35,687
And that's something
only an idiot would do!
172
00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:38,623
I'm not an idiot.
173
00:07:40,461 --> 00:07:43,728
Hey, I think
there was a mix-up at the park.
174
00:07:50,670 --> 00:07:52,804
MAN We now return
to The Karate Kid,
175
00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:54,639
with realistic human feelings.
176
00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:56,508
You're all
right, LaRusso!
177
00:07:56,510 --> 00:07:59,444
You just tried
to cripple me!
178
00:08:00,914 --> 00:08:03,582
I hate to sound like every
woman ever, but I'm depressed.
179
00:08:03,584 --> 00:08:05,016
Don't engage.
Don't engage.
180
00:08:05,018 --> 00:08:06,351
Why?
Damn it!
181
00:08:06,353 --> 00:08:08,019
Lois called me an idiot.
So?
182
00:08:08,021 --> 00:08:10,622
So, I don't tell her all the
bad things about herself.
183
00:08:10,624 --> 00:08:12,657
Like how the mole on her back
184
00:08:12,659 --> 00:08:14,526
is changing shape and
size really quickly.
185
00:08:14,528 --> 00:08:16,661
Being dumb isn't
the worst thing, Peter.
186
00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:18,330
At least you're not
two foreign guys
187
00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:20,665
talking too loud
in the next booth.
188
00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:22,667
Much sorry, friend!
189
00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:24,970
Man, there are
no womens here.
190
00:08:24,972 --> 00:08:28,340
We've got to make like '70s
rock man Garrett and leave.
191
00:08:28,342 --> 00:08:29,708
You said it, Belgard.
192
00:08:29,710 --> 00:08:31,676
Looks like you and me
will have to make hands
193
00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:33,044
on each other tonight.
194
00:08:33,046 --> 00:08:34,513
Aah, gross!
195
00:08:34,515 --> 00:08:36,548
I was just
playing joke at you!
196
00:08:36,550 --> 00:08:38,650
Ah, good one! You
should be comedy writer.
197
00:08:38,652 --> 00:08:40,118
Too late, friend.
198
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:42,354
I already have
comedy development at CBS.
199
00:08:42,356 --> 00:08:43,688
Oh, nice!
200
00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:45,390
CBS knows real situations
201
00:08:45,392 --> 00:08:47,158
I want to see
for 100 episodes!
202
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:50,195
Thanks. My hysterical
multi-camera show is called
203
00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:52,664
Wizard Robot and His
Less Successful Friend.
204
00:08:52,666 --> 00:08:55,634
Oh, man, you know
what America wants.
205
00:08:55,636 --> 00:08:57,636
All right, fine, so
I'm a dumb, hot guy.
206
00:08:57,638 --> 00:08:59,204
All right? There's
worse things to be.
207
00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:01,072
Okay, we're only gonna
tackle one thing today.
208
00:09:01,074 --> 00:09:03,575
Peter, maybe you need to
broaden your horizons, you know?
209
00:09:03,577 --> 00:09:04,743
Read a book, travel.
210
00:09:04,745 --> 00:09:06,545
Oh, yeah, I love traveling.
211
00:09:06,547 --> 00:09:07,579
You see new things,
212
00:09:07,581 --> 00:09:09,414
inconvenience thousands
of people.
213
00:09:09,416 --> 00:09:11,016
You know what?
You guys are right.
214
00:09:11,018 --> 00:09:14,085
It's time to travel, to learn,
to experience new things.
215
00:09:14,087 --> 00:09:16,421
I've been letting opportunities
pass me by
216
00:09:16,423 --> 00:09:18,089
ever since I was a kid.
217
00:09:19,358 --> 00:09:22,761
Hey, kid, get in my van, and
I'll give you some candy.
218
00:09:22,763 --> 00:09:25,897
No, my mom says I shouldn't.
219
00:09:32,706 --> 00:09:36,775
Hey, kid, get in my van, and
I'll give you some candy.
220
00:09:36,777 --> 00:09:38,843
Okay!
221
00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:49,621
Stella, I need you to go
to Chicago on Thursday.
222
00:09:49,623 --> 00:09:53,758
I can't. This week
is the Deaf Games.
223
00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:01,766
Oh, my God, this has been
a 12-minute round.
224
00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:04,703
Why does every fight
have to go to the death?
225
00:10:04,705 --> 00:10:05,870
Angela, if you got
business traveling
226
00:10:05,872 --> 00:10:08,139
that needs to be done,
I'm your guy.
227
00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:09,641
Griffin, I'm not
gonna look over there
228
00:10:09,643 --> 00:10:11,977
until you first assure
me you've got pants on.
229
00:10:11,979 --> 00:10:14,813
It's not a rule unless
there's a sign on the wall.
230
00:10:14,815 --> 00:10:16,815
I won that court case.
Fine.
231
00:10:16,817 --> 00:10:18,617
So you'd be willing
to take that trip
232
00:10:18,619 --> 00:10:19,784
to Chicago for
the company?
233
00:10:19,786 --> 00:10:21,620
Yeah, you know,
I was just saying
234
00:10:21,622 --> 00:10:22,654
I need to broaden my horizons.
235
00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:24,422
You see, my wife thinks
I'm an idiot.
236
00:10:24,424 --> 00:10:26,825
She's always making me feel
small and insignificant.
237
00:10:26,827 --> 00:10:28,627
Like John Goodman's
heartbeat.
238
00:10:31,164 --> 00:10:34,799
Honey? My inside left boob
stomach did that thing again.
239
00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:36,668
You mean
your heart?
240
00:10:36,670 --> 00:10:38,803
Um, I don't know
about any of that,
241
00:10:38,805 --> 00:10:41,473
but I think
I should eat something.
242
00:10:44,677 --> 00:10:46,845
Well, gentlemen,
thank you for coming.
243
00:10:46,847 --> 00:10:48,813
Mr. Griffin, I believe you
have something for me.
244
00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:50,782
Yes, I do, Mr. Franks.
Terrific.
245
00:10:50,784 --> 00:10:52,784
We were completely
out of these tubes.
246
00:10:52,786 --> 00:10:54,686
Well, thank you all
for coming. Good day.
247
00:10:54,688 --> 00:10:56,688
Nicely done, Mr. Franks.
Thanks, Chief.
248
00:10:56,690 --> 00:10:58,790
Wait, so that's it?
Hey, you nailed it!
249
00:10:58,792 --> 00:11:00,492
But I'm here till
tomorrow night.
250
00:11:00,494 --> 00:11:01,793
What am I
supposed to do?
251
00:11:01,795 --> 00:11:03,628
Get out there
and explore Chicago, Peter.
252
00:11:03,630 --> 00:11:05,830
It's one of the great cities
of the world.
253
00:11:05,832 --> 00:11:08,633
There's museums,
a symphony, a Lyric Opera.
254
00:11:08,635 --> 00:11:09,701
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
255
00:11:09,703 --> 00:11:11,836
Did you say "chicken
fashion show"?
256
00:11:11,838 --> 00:11:13,204
No.
Oh.
257
00:11:13,206 --> 00:11:15,340
But that-that other stuff,
they all sound like
258
00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:19,077
the kind of things I could
do to expand my horizons.
259
00:11:20,479 --> 00:11:21,680
Wow.
260
00:11:21,682 --> 00:11:24,315
Chicago:
"The San Francisco Treat."
261
00:11:24,317 --> 00:11:26,685
I haven't felt this sense
of limitless adventure
262
00:11:26,687 --> 00:11:28,687
since I went cave jumping.
263
00:11:28,689 --> 00:11:30,221
Here we go!
264
00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:34,526
I told no one
what I was doing today!
265
00:11:38,130 --> 00:11:42,434
Man, I'm, like, the fifth most
attractive woman in Chicago.
266
00:11:48,741 --> 00:11:50,742
Hi. Welcome
to the museum.
267
00:11:50,744 --> 00:11:52,510
Thanks.
Just to be clear,
268
00:11:52,512 --> 00:11:53,912
I should touch
everything, right?
269
00:11:53,914 --> 00:11:55,380
No, please don't
touch anything.
270
00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:57,716
Sorry, it's my first time
at an adult museum.
271
00:11:57,718 --> 00:11:59,517
I'm used to petting
the starfishes.
272
00:11:59,519 --> 00:12:01,720
Well, maybe you'd find
our audio tour helpful.
273
00:12:01,722 --> 00:12:03,188
You have your choice
of narrators:
274
00:12:03,190 --> 00:12:04,723
our senior curator
275
00:12:04,725 --> 00:12:06,991
or Chicago's own
Dennis Farina.
276
00:12:06,993 --> 00:12:09,194
Hmm.
277
00:12:09,196 --> 00:12:11,696
Hey there, chief.
Dennis Farina here.
278
00:12:11,698 --> 00:12:13,264
And welcome to our museum.
279
00:12:13,266 --> 00:12:16,735
Just so you know, I'll be
eating through most of this.
280
00:12:16,737 --> 00:12:18,837
Yeah. This one.
281
00:12:19,905 --> 00:12:21,773
Ah, man,
282
00:12:21,775 --> 00:12:23,708
that's good sausage.
283
00:12:23,710 --> 00:12:24,743
Oops. Excuse me.
284
00:12:24,745 --> 00:12:26,945
Anyways, this is
At the Moulin Rouge
285
00:12:26,947 --> 00:12:28,580
by Toulouse-Lautrec.
286
00:12:28,582 --> 00:12:30,215
Uh, it's from the 1890s.
287
00:12:30,217 --> 00:12:34,452
Now, he was a midge,
but he painted like a normal.
288
00:12:36,188 --> 00:12:39,858
Now, here is a naked chick
made completely out of marble.
289
00:12:39,860 --> 00:12:41,760
I got to wonder...
I'm sure you do, too...
290
00:12:41,762 --> 00:12:44,963
how this thing didn't crack
when they were carving out
291
00:12:44,965 --> 00:12:46,798
her downstairs business.
292
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:49,768
He did a great job
with the vagina.
293
00:12:49,770 --> 00:12:52,771
Here's a picture
by this guy Salvador Dal�.
294
00:12:52,773 --> 00:12:56,141
This guy, I'm telling you,
was a freakin' whack-a-doodle.
295
00:12:56,143 --> 00:12:59,778
Wow, who knew you could learn
so much at a museum?
296
00:12:59,780 --> 00:13:01,312
And this is only Chicago.
297
00:13:01,314 --> 00:13:03,982
From now on, I'm gonna volunteer
for every business trip,
298
00:13:03,984 --> 00:13:06,785
and see all the great stuff
that's out there.
299
00:13:06,787 --> 00:13:08,787
I've been everywhere, man
300
00:13:08,789 --> 00:13:10,655
I've been
everywhere, man
301
00:13:10,657 --> 00:13:12,824
Crossed
the deserts bare, man
302
00:13:12,826 --> 00:13:14,793
I've breathed
the mountain air, man
303
00:13:14,795 --> 00:13:16,828
Of travel,
I've had my share, man
304
00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:19,597
I've been everywhere
305
00:13:19,599 --> 00:13:22,600
I've been to Reno, Chicago,
Fargo, Minnesota
306
00:13:22,602 --> 00:13:23,968
Buffalo, Toronto, Winslow
307
00:13:23,970 --> 00:13:25,603
Sarasota, Wichita, Tulsa
308
00:13:25,605 --> 00:13:29,007
Ottawa, Oklahoma, Tampa,
Panama, Mattawa, La Paloma
309
00:13:29,009 --> 00:13:31,609
Bangor, Baltimore,
Salvador, Amarillo, Tocopillo
310
00:13:31,611 --> 00:13:33,645
Barranquilla and Padilla,
I'm a killer
311
00:13:33,647 --> 00:13:35,280
I've been everywhere, man
312
00:13:35,282 --> 00:13:36,981
I've been
everywhere, man
313
00:13:36,983 --> 00:13:39,684
Crossed
the deserts bare, man
314
00:13:39,686 --> 00:13:41,853
I've breathed
the mountain air, man
315
00:13:41,855 --> 00:13:44,022
Of travel,
I've had my share, man
316
00:13:44,024 --> 00:13:47,458
I've been everywhere
317
00:13:47,460 --> 00:13:50,295
I've been to Boston,
Charleston, Dayton, Louisiana
318
00:13:50,297 --> 00:13:51,963
Washington, Houston,
Kingston, Texarkana
319
00:13:51,965 --> 00:13:54,499
Monterey, Ferriday,
Santa Fe, Tallapoosa
320
00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:56,935
Glen Rock, Black Rock,
Little Rock, Oskaloosa
321
00:13:56,937 --> 00:13:58,803
Tennessee, Hennessey,
Chicopee, Spirit Lake
322
00:13:58,805 --> 00:14:01,272
Grand Lake, Devils Lake,
Crater Lake, for Pete's sake
323
00:14:01,274 --> 00:14:04,442
I've been everywhere.
324
00:14:06,645 --> 00:14:08,880
MAN We now return
to Janeane Garofalo
325
00:14:08,882 --> 00:14:11,883
and Mark Ruffalo
in Garofaruffalo.
326
00:14:11,885 --> 00:14:12,884
Turn it off, Chris.
327
00:14:12,886 --> 00:14:15,053
I don't even want to know
what that is.
328
00:14:15,055 --> 00:14:17,455
Your father
has returned.
329
00:14:17,457 --> 00:14:18,890
Dad!
Oh, Peter!
330
00:14:18,892 --> 00:14:20,725
How were all your
business trips?
331
00:14:20,727 --> 00:14:22,293
Oh, exemplary, Chris.
332
00:14:22,295 --> 00:14:24,963
I don't understand what
either of those words mean.
333
00:14:24,965 --> 00:14:26,865
One of them
was "Chris."
334
00:14:26,867 --> 00:14:29,300
Peter, you seem...
different.
335
00:14:29,302 --> 00:14:32,337
That's right, Lois;
I live the life of the mind now.
336
00:14:32,339 --> 00:14:35,306
My brain is awash
with theorems and profundity
337
00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:38,509
and abstractions that I can
pontificate upon at length.
338
00:14:38,511 --> 00:14:40,311
Brian's a woof-cat!
339
00:14:40,313 --> 00:14:42,213
Peter, you sound
so refined.
340
00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:44,315
Are you...
intelligent now?
341
00:14:44,317 --> 00:14:46,351
Affirmative.
That means "yes."
342
00:14:46,353 --> 00:14:49,053
Does that please you?
It does, Peter.
343
00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:50,321
Well, it should.
344
00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:52,924
After all, knowledge is
the ultimate aphrodisiac.
345
00:14:52,926 --> 00:14:54,893
Shall we away
for relations?
346
00:14:54,895 --> 00:14:58,263
I'm not sure what you're
saying, but let's hump!
347
00:14:58,265 --> 00:15:00,231
PETER
Affirmative, affirmative,
348
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:03,101
affirmative...
Oh, my God, affirmative!
349
00:15:03,103 --> 00:15:05,503
Wow, Peter, that was great!
350
00:15:05,505 --> 00:15:08,072
It was. Sorry I "arrived" early.
351
00:15:08,074 --> 00:15:09,440
That's okay.
352
00:15:09,442 --> 00:15:10,909
And sorry about the bedspread.
353
00:15:10,911 --> 00:15:13,978
That was about
a week's worth of arrive.
354
00:15:20,886 --> 00:15:24,022
Mom, Dad, the TV's broken!
355
00:15:24,024 --> 00:15:26,190
Actually, Chris,
I got rid of our television.
356
00:15:26,192 --> 00:15:28,760
This is our new bookshelf,
and I think you'll find
357
00:15:28,762 --> 00:15:31,963
it has more channels than
any TV we've ever owned.
358
00:15:31,965 --> 00:15:33,765
I want to watch
The Walking Dead!
359
00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:37,268
Then I shall read to you from
Mary Shelley's Frankenstein.
360
00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:38,970
I want to watch
New Girl.
361
00:15:38,972 --> 00:15:40,605
Perhaps you'd like to hear
about Jane Eyre,
362
00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:44,742
who felt quite the new girl
at Rochester's Thornfield Hall.
363
00:15:44,744 --> 00:15:46,311
How about
Game of Thrones?
364
00:15:46,313 --> 00:15:48,947
Instead, I shall read
to you from...
365
00:15:48,949 --> 00:15:50,315
Game of Thrones.
366
00:15:50,317 --> 00:15:52,550
Oh, finally, another reader
in the family.
367
00:15:52,552 --> 00:15:55,153
You know, these are some of
my favorite books and authors.
368
00:15:55,155 --> 00:15:57,055
Oh? What are you
reading right now?
369
00:15:57,057 --> 00:15:58,323
Oh, boy.
Well, I'm...
370
00:15:58,325 --> 00:16:00,124
I'm sort of between
books right now.
371
00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:01,926
Yeah? What was
the last thing you read?
372
00:16:01,928 --> 00:16:03,428
He's got you on
the ropes now.
373
00:16:03,430 --> 00:16:05,763
I-I'm actually rereading
a lot of stuff.
374
00:16:05,765 --> 00:16:07,632
Yeah? Like what?
Just tap out.
375
00:16:07,634 --> 00:16:09,500
Uh... the classics,
you know?
376
00:16:09,502 --> 00:16:12,170
Going back to the,
uh... basics, really.
377
00:16:12,172 --> 00:16:14,439
Words on the printed page.
378
00:16:14,441 --> 00:16:16,774
Thank you,
Steve Guttenberg, right?
379
00:16:16,776 --> 00:16:18,009
What is this, oak?
380
00:16:18,011 --> 00:16:19,744
Oh, I don't even
think it's oak!
381
00:16:19,746 --> 00:16:22,814
Peter, I can't get over the way
you've transformed yourself.
382
00:16:22,816 --> 00:16:24,082
How'd you do it?
383
00:16:24,084 --> 00:16:26,150
Well, Lois, some of it
came from books,
384
00:16:26,152 --> 00:16:27,352
some came from museums,
385
00:16:27,354 --> 00:16:30,088
and, honestly, a lot of it
just came from travel.
386
00:16:30,090 --> 00:16:32,256
Hey, excuse me,
I need to rent a car.
387
00:16:32,258 --> 00:16:35,460
Preferably one where
the radio is stuck on NPR.
388
00:16:35,462 --> 00:16:37,195
Here you go.
389
00:16:39,164 --> 00:16:42,033
Hello.
It's me. I am returning.
390
00:16:42,035 --> 00:16:43,601
How was the car?
391
00:16:43,603 --> 00:16:45,003
Coastal and superior.
392
00:16:45,005 --> 00:16:47,038
I never knew whisper-talking
was so smart.
393
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:50,174
And how will you be paying
for your rental, sir?
394
00:16:50,176 --> 00:16:52,877
I will pay you with stories
of my abusive father
395
00:16:52,879 --> 00:16:54,545
set to dissonant flute.
396
00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:58,149
I was seven when
he first came home drunk.
397
00:16:58,151 --> 00:17:02,553
A child should sleep
on his bed, not under it.
398
00:17:05,891 --> 00:17:07,225
Hey, what are you
listening to?
399
00:17:07,227 --> 00:17:09,060
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm learning Sanskrit.
400
00:17:09,062 --> 00:17:10,895
You know,
an ancient tongue
401
00:17:10,897 --> 00:17:12,897
can be as titillating
as a young one.
402
00:17:12,899 --> 00:17:14,499
Peter, what gives?
Ever since you had
403
00:17:14,501 --> 00:17:16,401
all those business trips,
you've been acting weird.
404
00:17:16,403 --> 00:17:20,038
Pity a man in familiar places
who yet feels like a stranger.
405
00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:23,041
You... you're the dick
who wrote that in the bathroom!
406
00:17:23,043 --> 00:17:26,244
Indeed. Being smart
and cultured is so lonely.
407
00:17:26,246 --> 00:17:29,213
Now I know why Oscar Wilde
turned to alcoholism
408
00:17:29,215 --> 00:17:31,149
and bone inhalation.
409
00:17:31,151 --> 00:17:33,051
Gentlemen, as they
say in Sanskrit,
410
00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:36,054
shubha prabhatam.
411
00:17:36,056 --> 00:17:38,022
You know
what's weird?
412
00:17:38,024 --> 00:17:39,424
Shubha Prabhatam
is my porn name.
413
00:17:39,426 --> 00:17:40,691
What?
414
00:17:40,693 --> 00:17:42,527
Yeah, first pet and
street you grew up on.
415
00:17:42,529 --> 00:17:44,896
You had a pet named Shubha?
Oh, yeah.
416
00:17:44,898 --> 00:17:46,330
Old Shubha was
a tough pooch.
417
00:17:46,332 --> 00:17:49,934
He was feared by everyone up
and down Prabhatam Drive.
418
00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:52,570
You have
a very weird past.
419
00:17:55,107 --> 00:17:57,608
All right, if this is
to be a smart family,
420
00:17:57,610 --> 00:17:59,277
we will have to learn
not to giggle
421
00:17:59,279 --> 00:18:02,080
at smart things that
sound dirty but are not.
422
00:18:02,082 --> 00:18:03,181
Balzac.
423
00:18:04,717 --> 00:18:06,117
Homo erectus.
424
00:18:07,854 --> 00:18:09,120
Spotted dick.
425
00:18:10,290 --> 00:18:13,091
The results have
been disappointing.
426
00:18:13,093 --> 00:18:16,060
I always thought
spotted dick
427
00:18:16,062 --> 00:18:18,763
had something
to do with Morgan Freeman.
428
00:18:21,867 --> 00:18:23,101
MAN
We now return to
429
00:18:23,103 --> 00:18:25,736
Wizard Robot
and His Less Successful Friend.
430
00:18:25,738 --> 00:18:29,373
Aah! We're in a real jar
of jam this time, Wizard Robot.
431
00:18:29,375 --> 00:18:30,374
Gip-gop.
432
00:18:30,376 --> 00:18:32,143
I have put too much suds
in this machine
433
00:18:32,145 --> 00:18:33,711
for washing clothes.
434
00:18:33,713 --> 00:18:36,247
And tonight is the night
I meet with other members
435
00:18:36,249 --> 00:18:38,149
of my form twelve
learning mates
436
00:18:38,151 --> 00:18:41,652
to celebrate the exactly
two groupings of ten years ago.
437
00:18:41,654 --> 00:18:42,987
Gip-gop.
438
00:18:44,724 --> 00:18:46,290
Oh, excellent!
439
00:18:46,292 --> 00:18:48,159
The situation
has abated itself.
440
00:18:48,161 --> 00:18:49,393
Let us leave the room
441
00:18:49,395 --> 00:18:52,663
where no comedic situation
will soon take place.
442
00:18:57,670 --> 00:19:01,973
Wizard Robot and
His Less Successful Friend.
443
00:19:03,943 --> 00:19:05,576
Hi, Lois.
No, I wasn't!
444
00:19:05,578 --> 00:19:07,578
Oh, Brian, thank God
it's just you.
445
00:19:07,580 --> 00:19:09,747
You know how Peter
thinks TV rots the mind.
446
00:19:09,749 --> 00:19:12,517
Oh, as long as you're here, can
you run some vocabulary with me?
447
00:19:12,519 --> 00:19:14,986
I need to know how to use
these words in sentences
448
00:19:14,988 --> 00:19:16,187
by the time
Peter gets home.
449
00:19:16,189 --> 00:19:18,356
Oh, that should be easy.
Just give me the word,
450
00:19:18,358 --> 00:19:20,258
and I'll put it in
a sentence for you.
451
00:19:20,260 --> 00:19:21,692
"Anodyne."
452
00:19:21,694 --> 00:19:25,830
Uh... a friend asked me
what "anodyne" means.
453
00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:27,265
Oh, who am I kidding?
454
00:19:27,267 --> 00:19:29,267
I'm never gonna learn
any of these words.
455
00:19:29,269 --> 00:19:31,135
I can't take
this anymore, Brian,
456
00:19:31,137 --> 00:19:32,203
and the kids
can't either.
457
00:19:32,205 --> 00:19:33,838
Peter's become
a nightmare.
458
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:36,174
Wait, I thought this was
what you always wanted...
459
00:19:36,176 --> 00:19:37,942
for Peter not to be
an idiot.
460
00:19:37,944 --> 00:19:39,310
Oh, at least that Peter was fun
461
00:19:39,312 --> 00:19:41,179
and didn't make me
feel so stupid.
462
00:19:41,181 --> 00:19:43,314
I miss the old Peter.
463
00:19:43,316 --> 00:19:44,849
Well, we got
to do something,
464
00:19:44,851 --> 00:19:47,218
'cause this new Peter
just sounds all wrong.
465
00:19:47,220 --> 00:19:49,220
Like a pilot
without a calming voice.
466
00:19:49,222 --> 00:19:51,355
PILOT We've now
467
00:19:51,357 --> 00:19:52,857
reached our cruising altitude!
468
00:19:52,859 --> 00:19:55,660
If you look out the window,
you'll see the Rocky Mountains!
469
00:19:56,863 --> 00:19:59,297
We have to get
out of here!
470
00:20:01,034 --> 00:20:02,533
Wait a minute.
471
00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:05,236
If visiting San Francisco and
New York made Peter smart,
472
00:20:05,238 --> 00:20:07,738
maybe if we send him
to the dumbest city
473
00:20:07,740 --> 00:20:10,408
in the whole country, it'll
bring back the old Peter.
474
00:20:10,410 --> 00:20:13,144
Huh. It's worth a try.
475
00:20:16,982 --> 00:20:18,549
Aloha!
476
00:20:28,193 --> 00:20:30,061
Is Peter home?
He's pulling in now.
477
00:20:30,063 --> 00:20:31,829
I sure hope Tucson helped.
478
00:20:31,831 --> 00:20:34,098
Heads up, guys.
I farted on the doorstep,
479
00:20:34,100 --> 00:20:35,399
but it's hot
on my trail.
480
00:20:35,401 --> 00:20:38,035
Oh, Brian,
that's a good sign.
481
00:20:38,037 --> 00:20:40,037
How was your trip?
Oh, amazing.
482
00:20:40,039 --> 00:20:43,074
I saw a wet T-shirt contest
using chocolate milk.
483
00:20:43,076 --> 00:20:45,042
It was at
the Tucson Philharmonic.
484
00:20:45,044 --> 00:20:46,277
What else did you do?
485
00:20:46,279 --> 00:20:47,278
Eh, mostly just picked
my desert boogers.
486
00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:49,447
Oh, Peter, you're back!
Thank God!
487
00:20:49,449 --> 00:20:50,915
We all owe that trash city
a debt of gratitude.
488
00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:55,286
Did you know Battleship
is still in theaters there?
489
00:20:55,288 --> 00:20:58,122
Captioned by Media Access
Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org36307
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