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1
00:00:02,168 --> 00:00:05,137
It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,139 --> 00:00:08,340
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:12,011
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,013 --> 00:00:15,014
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:15,016 --> 00:00:18,484
Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,486 --> 00:00:21,854
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
7
00:00:21,856 --> 00:00:23,455
All the things that make us
8
00:00:23,457 --> 00:00:24,823
Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,825 --> 00:00:29,595
He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
10
00:00:31,297 --> 00:00:34,299
Captioned by Media Access
Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
11
00:00:34,301 --> 00:00:36,835
We now return
to VH1's Behind the Music:
12
00:00:36,837 --> 00:00:39,338
Dr. Teeth
and the Electric Mayhem.
13
00:00:39,340 --> 00:00:42,374
It must've been around 1979
when Animal started
14
00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:44,476
snorting crushed-up
pieces of felt.
15
00:00:44,478 --> 00:00:45,844
It got pretty ugly.
16
00:00:45,846 --> 00:00:49,381
Me had big problem
before me found God.
17
00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:51,050
He, like, threw me down
and he said,
18
00:00:51,052 --> 00:00:52,718
"I hope your puppeteer
has big hands,
19
00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:54,553
because I'm not using lube."
20
00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:57,823
Me no remember that,
but me believe it happened.
21
00:00:57,825 --> 00:00:59,758
I got it.
22
00:01:01,661 --> 00:01:04,029
Huh, it says "Glenn Quagmire."
23
00:01:04,031 --> 00:01:06,698
But if you squint and imagine
it says "Peter Griffin,"
24
00:01:06,700 --> 00:01:07,833
it says "Peter Griffin."
25
00:01:07,835 --> 00:01:08,867
Peter, it's Quagmire's.
26
00:01:08,869 --> 00:01:10,069
Take it next door.
27
00:01:10,071 --> 00:01:11,503
Now, now, hold on, Lois.
28
00:01:11,505 --> 00:01:13,505
Now, this poses a very
difficult ethical dilemma.
29
00:01:13,507 --> 00:01:16,008
Do I deliver the package
to its rightful owner?
30
00:01:16,010 --> 00:01:18,577
Or do I open it up and see
if it contains He-Mans?
31
00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:20,579
Do not open that box.
32
00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:22,014
You know, Lois,
physicists believe
33
00:01:22,016 --> 00:01:23,682
there are two
alternate universes:
34
00:01:23,684 --> 00:01:25,551
one in which I don't
open the box
35
00:01:25,553 --> 00:01:27,186
and one in which I do.
36
00:01:27,188 --> 00:01:29,555
I'm not gonna open the box.
37
00:01:29,557 --> 00:01:31,523
I'm gonna open the box.
38
00:01:31,525 --> 00:01:34,193
Aw, sweet! It's a whip!
39
00:01:34,195 --> 00:01:36,028
Peter, be careful
with that thing!
40
00:01:36,030 --> 00:01:37,863
Remember, we're renting
this house.
41
00:01:37,865 --> 00:01:39,198
That's depressing.
42
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:41,100
Wow, I haven't felt
this powerful
43
00:01:41,102 --> 00:01:44,703
since I got to decide which
ant lives and which ant dies.
44
00:01:44,705 --> 00:01:46,105
You shall battle to the death,
45
00:01:46,107 --> 00:01:48,207
and the winner
will be given his freedom.
46
00:01:48,209 --> 00:01:50,042
Why are you looking
at me like that?
47
00:01:50,044 --> 00:01:51,877
Peter, would you like
a glass of...?
48
00:01:51,879 --> 00:01:53,112
Oh, my God!
49
00:01:53,114 --> 00:01:56,648
I told you not to play God
with those ants!
50
00:01:59,886 --> 00:02:01,954
All right, Meg,
stay incredibly still.
51
00:02:01,956 --> 00:02:04,056
I'm gonna whip that cigarette
out of your mouth.
52
00:02:04,058 --> 00:02:05,757
And maybe not slice
your face in half.
53
00:02:05,759 --> 00:02:07,392
Dad, I don't
want to do this.
54
00:02:07,394 --> 00:02:08,393
Stay still!
55
00:02:08,395 --> 00:02:09,628
Aah!
56
00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:11,730
Okay, tha-that's
pretty cool, too.
57
00:02:11,732 --> 00:02:14,233
Hey, Dad, that's
a cool hwhip.
58
00:02:14,235 --> 00:02:16,969
Aah! I thought
you couldn't understand me!
59
00:02:16,971 --> 00:02:18,737
When a good time
turns around
60
00:02:18,739 --> 00:02:20,072
You must whip it
61
00:02:20,074 --> 00:02:21,740
You will never live it down
62
00:02:21,742 --> 00:02:23,108
Unless you whip it
63
00:02:23,110 --> 00:02:24,610
No one gets away
64
00:02:24,612 --> 00:02:26,645
Until they whip it
65
00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:29,314
I say whip it...
66
00:02:29,316 --> 00:02:31,250
Okay.
Aah!
67
00:02:31,252 --> 00:02:32,251
Whip it good...
68
00:02:32,253 --> 00:02:34,253
I'm doing my very best.
69
00:02:35,756 --> 00:02:38,724
Thanks. That was way
too much heat on my neck.
70
00:02:43,597 --> 00:02:44,997
Ooh, a message from Joe.
71
00:02:44,999 --> 00:02:46,331
Hey, Cleveland.
72
00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:47,799
I just wanted
to give you a heads-up
73
00:02:47,801 --> 00:02:50,469
that Peter has a whip,
because, well, you know,
74
00:02:50,471 --> 00:02:53,438
given your racial heritage,
it seems like something
75
00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:55,841
you might want
to keep an eye out for.
76
00:02:57,111 --> 00:02:58,277
Grape soda-gram.
77
00:02:58,279 --> 00:02:59,978
I know this is very risky,
78
00:02:59,980 --> 00:03:03,549
but the upside is so good,
I'm taking it.
79
00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:10,689
We now return
to The Outlaw Josey Wales.
80
00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:12,124
Should we bury them?
81
00:03:12,126 --> 00:03:14,359
Nah, leave them
for the buzzards.
82
00:03:14,361 --> 00:03:15,327
I like that guy.
83
00:03:15,329 --> 00:03:17,496
Oh, boy, here comes Harry.
84
00:03:17,498 --> 00:03:19,998
He thinks no one will notice
he got his neck done.
85
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,801
Hey, fellas, I'm back
from that family wedding.
86
00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:25,704
Hey, what you watching?
87
00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:26,972
The Outlaw Josey Wales.
88
00:03:26,974 --> 00:03:28,340
It's a Western.
Ah.
89
00:03:28,342 --> 00:03:29,975
When do the cowboys
go into the tent,
90
00:03:29,977 --> 00:03:31,877
lick their palms and
have sex with each other?
91
00:03:31,879 --> 00:03:33,579
Different kind of Western.
92
00:03:35,682 --> 00:03:38,550
Ew! What's Clint Eastwood
doing with that Indian chief?
93
00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:40,018
Oh, they're-they're just
becoming blood brothers.
94
00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:41,987
"Blood brothers"?
What the devil is that?
95
00:03:41,989 --> 00:03:43,822
Well, it's an ancient ritual
where two friends
96
00:03:43,824 --> 00:03:45,991
intermingle their blood,
thus sealing a bond
97
00:03:45,993 --> 00:03:47,559
even deeper than friendship.
98
00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:48,827
Yes, yes. Let's do that.
99
00:03:48,829 --> 00:03:50,495
Brian, I want you inside me.
100
00:03:50,497 --> 00:03:52,064
You-you don't have
to say it like that.
101
00:03:52,066 --> 00:03:53,565
Oh, come on, we're
best friends, right?
102
00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:55,000
Stewie, I'm not...
103
00:03:55,002 --> 00:03:56,168
Actually, we're even
more than best friends.
104
00:03:56,170 --> 00:03:57,736
I mean, we share
the same home.
105
00:03:57,738 --> 00:03:59,571
We've been on countless
adventures together.
106
00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:01,206
And, besides, you
owe me, Brian.
107
00:04:01,208 --> 00:04:04,076
Remember what you did to
my last Halloween costume?
108
00:04:04,078 --> 00:04:06,345
I am going to be
the cutest fire hydrant
109
00:04:06,347 --> 00:04:08,614
in the whole... Aah!
What are you doing?!
110
00:04:10,684 --> 00:04:12,751
Okay, your turn.
111
00:04:15,556 --> 00:04:17,256
I think we should
hold hands more often.
112
00:04:17,258 --> 00:04:18,757
There you go,
we're blood brothers now.
113
00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:19,891
You happy?
114
00:04:19,893 --> 00:04:21,193
Actually, yes.
115
00:04:21,195 --> 00:04:23,028
I mean, I really
feel the bond, Brian.
116
00:04:23,030 --> 00:04:24,529
I feel like we're closer now.
117
00:04:24,531 --> 00:04:26,598
You know, more connected,
more intertwined.
118
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:28,066
Yeah, I guess in a way we are.
119
00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:30,068
Hey, are-are you blood
brothers with Meg
120
00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:31,937
because you ate her
tampon out of the trash?
121
00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:34,806
No, tha... no, that's...
that's something else.
122
00:04:37,610 --> 00:04:39,378
Oh, man, I could
use a cold beer.
123
00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:42,214
Yeah, me, too.
I just had a killer rehearsal.
124
00:04:42,216 --> 00:04:43,882
I'm not biting.
Me, neither.
125
00:04:43,884 --> 00:04:46,385
You forget
how many scenes Tevye's in.
126
00:04:46,387 --> 00:04:49,054
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's this?
127
00:04:49,056 --> 00:04:51,056
That's our booth!
128
00:04:51,058 --> 00:04:52,924
Uh, uh, excuse me.
Hey, fellas.
129
00:04:52,926 --> 00:04:54,793
Uh, hey, listen, this is,
uh, a little awkward,
130
00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:57,095
but, uh, you guys
are sitting in our booth.
131
00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:58,430
Listen here, pencil neck.
132
00:04:58,432 --> 00:05:00,232
This is our booth now,
and we ain't leaving.
133
00:05:00,234 --> 00:05:02,401
So, what are you gonna
do about it, bitch?
134
00:05:02,403 --> 00:05:04,736
Look, dudes, clearly
you don't want to move.
135
00:05:04,738 --> 00:05:05,771
And that's fine.
136
00:05:05,773 --> 00:05:07,406
We'll come back in an hour.
137
00:05:07,408 --> 00:05:10,108
Nice try, wheelie, but this
ain't your booth no more.
138
00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:12,778
That's right, we see you losers
anywhere near this booth,
139
00:05:12,780 --> 00:05:14,913
and we'll bust your kneecaps.
140
00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:16,148
We're willing to take that risk.
141
00:05:16,150 --> 00:05:17,082
Shut up, Joe.
142
00:05:17,084 --> 00:05:18,450
All right,
I was hoping
143
00:05:18,452 --> 00:05:20,485
it wouldn't have
to come to this, but...
144
00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:23,155
you fellas are in big trouble.
145
00:05:25,425 --> 00:05:28,760
If, uh... if you could just
move back like eight feet.
146
00:05:28,762 --> 00:05:30,162
Is that my whip?
147
00:05:30,164 --> 00:05:31,163
Hey!
148
00:05:31,165 --> 00:05:33,265
Is that my Taser?
149
00:05:33,267 --> 00:05:35,600
All right, I'll just strangle
him with this Hawaiian shirt.
150
00:05:35,602 --> 00:05:37,436
Will you stop going
through my mail?!
151
00:05:37,438 --> 00:05:39,671
All right, bitches, either
you tuck your little wangs
152
00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:41,606
between your legs and
waddle out of here
153
00:05:41,608 --> 00:05:44,109
or we're gonna beat
the crap out of you.
154
00:05:44,111 --> 00:05:45,944
So, what's it gonna be?
155
00:05:45,946 --> 00:05:48,580
Uh, I think we're gonna
do the wang thing.
156
00:06:00,527 --> 00:06:02,294
What the hell?
157
00:06:02,296 --> 00:06:03,862
Ow!
158
00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:04,963
Ew!
159
00:06:04,965 --> 00:06:06,732
What's this?
160
00:06:10,471 --> 00:06:11,803
You son of a bitch!
161
00:06:11,805 --> 00:06:12,971
You gave me herpes!
162
00:06:12,973 --> 00:06:14,306
What?
What are you talking about?
163
00:06:14,308 --> 00:06:16,007
When we swapped blood!
Look at my lip!
164
00:06:16,009 --> 00:06:17,843
It's a disgusting herpes sore!
165
00:06:17,845 --> 00:06:19,044
And now I have some
166
00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:21,480
very uncomfortable
phone calls to make.
167
00:06:23,016 --> 00:06:24,649
Hola. Handy Manny's
repair shop.
168
00:06:24,651 --> 00:06:25,851
You break it...
169
00:06:25,853 --> 00:06:27,319
We fix it!
170
00:06:27,321 --> 00:06:29,054
Manny? Manny?
171
00:06:29,056 --> 00:06:31,423
I'm gonna need you to take me
off speakerphone for this.
172
00:06:37,497 --> 00:06:38,663
Stewie, that's crazy!
173
00:06:38,665 --> 00:06:40,031
There's no way
I gave you herpes.
174
00:06:40,033 --> 00:06:41,533
Then how do you explain this?!
175
00:06:41,535 --> 00:06:44,202
I don't know.
You're a gross slut.
176
00:06:44,204 --> 00:06:45,504
Look, it-it can't be
my fault, Stewie.
177
00:06:45,506 --> 00:06:46,738
I don't even have herpes.
178
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:48,173
Oh, yeah? Let me see!
179
00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:50,409
Hey, hey, hey! What are
you doing? Stop it!
180
00:06:51,744 --> 00:06:54,246
Ugh! Oh, my God!
Look at you!
181
00:06:54,248 --> 00:06:56,014
You're more herpes
than dog!
182
00:06:56,016 --> 00:06:57,249
Okay, fine! I admit it.
183
00:06:57,251 --> 00:06:58,583
I gave you herpes.
184
00:06:58,585 --> 00:07:00,051
You bastard!
185
00:07:00,053 --> 00:07:01,920
You knew you had herpes,
and-and you still agreed
186
00:07:01,922 --> 00:07:03,522
to swap blood with me!
187
00:07:03,524 --> 00:07:05,190
Relax, it's not
that big a deal.
188
00:07:05,192 --> 00:07:06,558
Not that big a deal?!
189
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:09,361
It's a disgusting,
unsightly, unsavory disease,
190
00:07:09,363 --> 00:07:10,862
and it lasts for life!
191
00:07:10,864 --> 00:07:12,764
Yeah, but, you know, I mean,
isn't the worst thing
192
00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:14,533
about herpes just the stigma?
193
00:07:14,535 --> 00:07:16,401
I mean, like, what if it
wasn't called "herpes"?
194
00:07:16,403 --> 00:07:18,703
Like-like, what if it was
called "boppo," huh?
195
00:07:18,705 --> 00:07:19,905
Oh, I got a little boppo.
196
00:07:19,907 --> 00:07:21,540
Oh, that's cute.
Ah, I want boppo.
197
00:07:21,542 --> 00:07:23,208
You know, my uncle
was in the Army,
198
00:07:23,210 --> 00:07:25,243
and he got genital boppo
from a Saigon whore...
199
00:07:25,245 --> 00:07:26,545
Shut up! Just shut up!
200
00:07:26,547 --> 00:07:27,779
You should be
ashamed of yourself.
201
00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:29,047
I mean, look at me.
202
00:07:29,049 --> 00:07:31,116
And on the same day
I'm supposed to help
203
00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:33,218
with my friend's
wedding invitations.
204
00:07:33,220 --> 00:07:34,719
So, I was thinking, I know
205
00:07:34,721 --> 00:07:36,922
they're kind of
overused lately...
206
00:07:36,924 --> 00:07:40,692
but your colors should be,
like, yellow and gray.
207
00:07:43,896 --> 00:07:46,131
You know, I've always been
against destination weddings,
208
00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:49,167
but it's nice
to finally see Denver.
209
00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:55,574
And now, The History Channel
presents
210
00:07:55,576 --> 00:07:59,678
The Guy who Lived In-Between
the Hatfields and the McCoys.
211
00:08:00,580 --> 00:08:02,080
I'm just going to get my mail.
212
00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:04,249
And I'm not going to ask
who killed my daughter.
213
00:08:04,251 --> 00:08:05,417
It's water under the bridge.
214
00:08:05,419 --> 00:08:07,085
I'm just getting my mail.
215
00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:08,587
Aw, what happened?
I couldn't see.
216
00:08:08,589 --> 00:08:09,821
I have no idea.
217
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:11,623
The TV is, like,
directly over my head.
218
00:08:11,625 --> 00:08:13,658
All I can see
are the spider veins
219
00:08:13,660 --> 00:08:15,994
of alcoholics wearing shorts.
220
00:08:18,264 --> 00:08:20,165
What?
I said...
221
00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:21,099
Huh?
222
00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:22,434
All I can see is...
223
00:08:22,436 --> 00:08:23,602
What? You can't see what?
224
00:08:23,604 --> 00:08:24,669
I can only see...
225
00:08:24,671 --> 00:08:25,804
What? Damn it, Peter!
226
00:08:25,806 --> 00:08:27,105
Ow!
227
00:08:27,107 --> 00:08:28,006
Joe, what are you
trying to say?!
228
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:29,174
Eh, it doesn't matter.
229
00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:31,142
I just...
I hate sitting at the bar.
230
00:08:31,144 --> 00:08:32,644
I wish we had
our old booth back.
231
00:08:32,646 --> 00:08:33,778
Well, what are we
supposed to do?
232
00:08:33,780 --> 00:08:34,946
Fight those guys?
233
00:08:34,948 --> 00:08:36,181
They would've kicked our asses.
234
00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:37,616
Peter's right.
235
00:08:37,618 --> 00:08:39,951
We just got to accept
the fact that, well,
236
00:08:39,953 --> 00:08:41,953
we're... we're
kind of cowards.
237
00:08:41,955 --> 00:08:42,854
I know.
238
00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:43,955
Yesterday, I even went
239
00:08:43,957 --> 00:08:45,690
to a Cowards Anonymous meeting.
240
00:08:45,692 --> 00:08:47,993
Hello. My name's Cowardly Lion,
241
00:08:47,995 --> 00:08:49,461
and I'm a coward.
242
00:08:49,463 --> 00:08:51,329
I'm afraid of
small dogs,
243
00:08:51,331 --> 00:08:53,331
girls with pigtails,
flying monkeys...
244
00:08:53,333 --> 00:08:55,467
Wait-wait, th-there's...
there's flying monkeys?
245
00:08:55,469 --> 00:08:57,335
That's a thing?
Sure.
246
00:08:57,337 --> 00:08:59,204
They got sharp
fangs, claws...
247
00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:00,972
God, they sound terrifying!
248
00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:02,474
Wait, you think so, too?
249
00:09:02,476 --> 00:09:05,544
Yes, and fear is a logical
response to actual danger.
250
00:09:05,546 --> 00:09:08,280
Huh. I guess you're right.
251
00:09:09,148 --> 00:09:10,982
Hey. I'm the Rational Lion.
252
00:09:10,984 --> 00:09:13,218
So, guys.
253
00:09:17,657 --> 00:09:19,324
Whew, what a morning.
254
00:09:19,326 --> 00:09:21,159
By the time I got done
with my pubes,
255
00:09:21,161 --> 00:09:22,994
I just didn't feel
like shaving anymore.
256
00:09:22,996 --> 00:09:24,529
Hey, Charlotte.
257
00:09:24,531 --> 00:09:26,831
That's very cute, Stewie,
but if I let you dress up
258
00:09:26,833 --> 00:09:30,068
like H�ctor Elizondo,
I have to let everyone.
259
00:09:31,070 --> 00:09:33,038
Oh, my God!
260
00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:36,341
Your mouth looks like
the underside of a boat!
261
00:09:37,578 --> 00:09:39,678
Good Lord, nobody wants
to be near me.
262
00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:42,681
This is lonelier
than a Kennedy family reunion.
263
00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:45,083
Where is everybody?
264
00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:47,018
Oh, yeah. They're dead.
265
00:09:51,924 --> 00:09:55,026
All right, flight attendants,
please prepare for crosscheck.
266
00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:56,561
I'm not crosschecking anything.
267
00:09:56,563 --> 00:09:58,897
I heard what happened
to you at The Drunken Clam.
268
00:09:58,899 --> 00:10:01,199
I'm not doing
what you tell me to do.
269
00:10:01,201 --> 00:10:02,867
I'll do what he tells me to do.
270
00:10:02,869 --> 00:10:04,603
I was in the military
for 30 years
271
00:10:04,605 --> 00:10:05,870
back when that
meant something.
272
00:10:05,872 --> 00:10:07,606
I don't deal
with gay people.
273
00:10:07,608 --> 00:10:10,342
See? Him I respect.
274
00:10:12,545 --> 00:10:14,613
Hey, Bonnie,
you want to fool around?
275
00:10:14,615 --> 00:10:15,947
I bought one of those
276
00:10:15,949 --> 00:10:17,716
crippled-guy robot suits
from Avatar,
277
00:10:17,718 --> 00:10:19,718
so now I can be on top.
278
00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:21,052
No, thanks, Joe.
279
00:10:21,054 --> 00:10:22,554
I heard about what
happened at the Clam,
280
00:10:22,556 --> 00:10:24,556
and I'm not interested
in having sex
281
00:10:24,558 --> 00:10:26,224
with a quarter of a man.
282
00:10:26,226 --> 00:10:27,726
Hey, I'm half a man!
283
00:10:27,728 --> 00:10:29,561
Not anymore.
284
00:10:29,563 --> 00:10:33,064
Fine. Well, I'm gonna
go sleep on the couch.
285
00:10:33,066 --> 00:10:34,399
You need something, Joe?
286
00:10:34,401 --> 00:10:36,635
Yes, Elton, I'd like
to sleep on the couch.
287
00:10:36,637 --> 00:10:38,837
All right, Joe. Come on.
288
00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:42,941
Love lift us up
289
00:10:42,943 --> 00:10:45,844
Where we belong.
290
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:50,482
Hey, Chris, your mom's
done with the laundry.
291
00:10:50,484 --> 00:10:51,650
Can you help her fold?
292
00:10:51,652 --> 00:10:53,251
No, but you know what?
293
00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:54,786
You put on her bra.
294
00:10:54,788 --> 00:10:56,087
I-I don't want to.
295
00:10:56,089 --> 00:10:57,589
Well, you're gonna.
296
00:10:57,591 --> 00:10:59,257
Everybody heard about what
happened over at the Clam
297
00:10:59,259 --> 00:11:01,326
and how those guys
made you their bitch.
298
00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:03,094
Um, okay.
299
00:11:05,265 --> 00:11:06,631
That's right, you wuss.
300
00:11:06,633 --> 00:11:08,166
In fact,
the way I see it,
301
00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:09,934
I'm the man
of the house now.
302
00:11:09,936 --> 00:11:11,169
Which means
there's gonna be
303
00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:14,305
some big changes
around here.
304
00:11:14,307 --> 00:11:16,474
It's not very
comfortable, Chris.
305
00:11:16,476 --> 00:11:17,976
My back kind of hurts.
306
00:11:17,978 --> 00:11:19,778
I'm just staring up
at the ceiling.
307
00:11:19,780 --> 00:11:20,945
Shut up!
308
00:11:20,947 --> 00:11:23,581
I promised changes,
and I delivered!
309
00:11:26,952 --> 00:11:30,622
We now return
to Bryan Cranston Sneezes.
310
00:11:32,292 --> 00:11:34,526
Thank you.
311
00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:37,462
Um, Rupert?
312
00:11:37,464 --> 00:11:40,965
You know how we promised
never to lie to each other?
313
00:11:40,967 --> 00:11:42,634
Well, I lied earlier tonight.
314
00:11:42,636 --> 00:11:45,704
It's not a burn from
Dunkin' Donuts coffee.
315
00:11:45,706 --> 00:11:46,971
It's herpes.
316
00:11:46,973 --> 00:11:48,306
You should get yourself tested.
317
00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:49,674
Hey, Stewie.
318
00:11:49,676 --> 00:11:51,142
How long have you
been there?
319
00:11:51,144 --> 00:11:52,711
Long enough to know
you have herpes
320
00:11:52,713 --> 00:11:54,979
and do weird stuff
with your teddy bear.
321
00:11:54,981 --> 00:11:56,514
Yeah, he does weird stuff.
322
00:11:56,516 --> 00:11:58,183
I-I just don't stop him.
323
00:11:58,185 --> 00:12:01,319
Yeah, well, I just wanted to
let you know you're not alone.
324
00:12:01,321 --> 00:12:02,954
Oh, yeah? How so?
325
00:12:05,224 --> 00:12:07,358
Good Lord!
You've got herpes, too?
326
00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:10,695
This house is like backstage
at a Whitesnake concert!
327
00:12:10,697 --> 00:12:13,398
Not only that, but I
also got it from Brian.
328
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:15,166
We're blood brothers, too.
329
00:12:15,168 --> 00:12:16,835
You... you are?
330
00:12:16,837 --> 00:12:19,671
Yup, he knew he had herpes
and he didn't say anything.
331
00:12:19,673 --> 00:12:21,506
Maybe he was mad
I gave him fleas.
332
00:12:21,508 --> 00:12:22,841
I don't know.
333
00:12:22,843 --> 00:12:24,075
That bastard!
334
00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:25,844
Well, we need
to teach him a lesson.
335
00:12:25,846 --> 00:12:27,178
He's a menace.
336
00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:29,981
Like that coked-up giraffe
at Studio 54.
337
00:12:30,916 --> 00:12:32,584
Yup, yup, people are watching.
338
00:12:32,586 --> 00:12:34,819
I'm that good.
339
00:12:39,058 --> 00:12:40,258
Are you Donna Summer?
340
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:41,693
Why, yes, I am.
341
00:12:41,695 --> 00:12:43,428
I just want to thank you
for helping me reach
342
00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:46,698
a state of cocaine-fueled
1970s euphoria.
343
00:12:46,700 --> 00:12:48,233
Robert Mapplethorpe?
344
00:12:48,235 --> 00:12:50,268
Can I put this fire extinguisher
someplace interesting
345
00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:51,936
and take your picture?
346
00:12:51,938 --> 00:12:54,272
I would love that!
347
00:13:02,214 --> 00:13:04,616
Um, uh, Meg,
can you, um...
348
00:13:04,618 --> 00:13:05,950
can you please
pass the milk?
349
00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:07,051
Shut up, Dad.
350
00:13:07,053 --> 00:13:08,086
Okay, okay. I'm sorry.
351
00:13:08,088 --> 00:13:09,454
I'm sorry. I'll shut up.
What?!
352
00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:10,722
She-she's right, Lois.
She's right.
353
00:13:10,724 --> 00:13:11,923
I-I don't need milk.
354
00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:13,725
I'll just moisten
my cereal with spit.
355
00:13:14,761 --> 00:13:16,060
Mmm, mmm, good spit.
356
00:13:16,062 --> 00:13:18,062
Peter, what the
hell is going on?
357
00:13:18,064 --> 00:13:20,298
Please tell me this isn't still
about how you punked out
358
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,233
in front of those
guys at the Clam.
359
00:13:22,235 --> 00:13:23,301
Oh, God, you're angry.
360
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:24,402
I'll clean the dishes.
361
00:13:24,404 --> 00:13:25,937
Peter, stop it!
362
00:13:25,939 --> 00:13:27,739
Are... are you crying?
363
00:13:27,741 --> 00:13:28,807
No!
364
00:13:28,809 --> 00:13:30,275
Oh, this is insane.
365
00:13:30,277 --> 00:13:32,277
Peter, I want you
to march down to the Clam
366
00:13:32,279 --> 00:13:35,079
right now and get
your booth back.
367
00:13:35,081 --> 00:13:37,081
Oh my God, Lois, you're right.
368
00:13:37,083 --> 00:13:39,918
If they see me crying, they'll
have to give us our booth back.
369
00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:43,254
No! I'm saying you got to go
down there and take it back.
370
00:13:43,256 --> 00:13:44,756
Like a man.
371
00:13:44,758 --> 00:13:47,125
Yeah.
I mean, I mean, yeah!
372
00:13:47,127 --> 00:13:49,661
I am going to the Clam and
I'm getting my booth back.
373
00:13:49,663 --> 00:13:51,095
And, Meg, you're gay.
374
00:13:51,097 --> 00:13:51,996
No, I'm not.
375
00:13:51,998 --> 00:13:53,097
You like guys, right?
376
00:13:53,099 --> 00:13:54,132
Yeah.
377
00:13:54,134 --> 00:13:55,733
Yeah, that's
called being gay.
378
00:14:03,475 --> 00:14:04,509
Hey.
379
00:14:04,511 --> 00:14:05,977
Uh, hey, Kevin.
380
00:14:05,979 --> 00:14:08,947
You, uh... you smell
like a rabbit, buddy.
381
00:14:08,949 --> 00:14:10,949
Did something just
happen with a rabbit?
382
00:14:10,951 --> 00:14:13,451
I'll go get my dad.
383
00:14:13,453 --> 00:14:14,686
Listen, you guys.
384
00:14:14,688 --> 00:14:15,954
I think we're
all suffering
385
00:14:15,956 --> 00:14:17,188
from what happened
down at the Clam.
386
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:18,623
Yeah, I had to
start taking pills
387
00:14:18,625 --> 00:14:20,625
so I'd stop
thinking about it.
388
00:14:20,627 --> 00:14:22,193
Quagmire, that's a Cialis.
389
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:24,362
That's right, I'm not
thinking about it anymore.
390
00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:26,464
I'm thinking
about that couch.
391
00:14:26,466 --> 00:14:28,199
Well, I think
we gave up too easy.
392
00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:30,168
We need to march
back down to the Clam
393
00:14:30,170 --> 00:14:31,536
and take back what's ours.
394
00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:33,371
He's right.
We need to sit up to those guys.
395
00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:34,639
No way.
396
00:14:34,641 --> 00:14:36,140
You want to get
yourselves killed,
397
00:14:36,142 --> 00:14:37,208
that's your business,
but I'm not going.
398
00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:39,143
Fine, me and Joe
will go without you.
399
00:14:39,145 --> 00:14:40,712
But just know
you're letting us down.
400
00:14:40,714 --> 00:14:42,313
We're supposed
to stick together.
401
00:14:42,315 --> 00:14:44,949
Like goatee guys
at a barbecue.
402
00:14:46,518 --> 00:14:48,820
Do you mind if I stand next
to you while we eat standing?
403
00:14:48,822 --> 00:14:50,154
No problem.
404
00:14:50,156 --> 00:14:51,656
Hey, let's go grab
some good beer
405
00:14:51,658 --> 00:14:53,892
even though we
brought the bad beer.
406
00:14:53,894 --> 00:14:56,160
And these two barbecue scumbags
407
00:14:56,162 --> 00:14:58,029
formed a lifelong friendship
408
00:14:58,031 --> 00:15:01,900
until their deaths
at the ripe old age of 52
409
00:15:01,902 --> 00:15:05,904
in separate ATV accidents.
410
00:15:09,341 --> 00:15:10,909
You know, I'm so glad
you finally agreed
411
00:15:10,911 --> 00:15:12,243
to go out with me, Jenna.
412
00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:14,245
Me, too. I'm having
a really nice time.
413
00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:16,014
You seem like a great guy.
414
00:15:16,016 --> 00:15:18,016
Yes, thank you, we'll take
the table in the corner,
415
00:15:18,018 --> 00:15:19,183
next to the herpes dog.
416
00:15:19,185 --> 00:15:20,752
Oh, hey, Brian.
417
00:15:20,754 --> 00:15:22,186
And who's your date?
418
00:15:22,188 --> 00:15:24,389
Wow, you must be
such a good person
419
00:15:24,391 --> 00:15:27,592
to knowingly go out with
a herpes-riddled dirtbag.
420
00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:29,928
Ew! I'm sorry, Brian.
421
00:15:29,930 --> 00:15:32,363
I-I've got to go.
422
00:15:32,365 --> 00:15:33,531
Damn it, you guys!
423
00:15:33,533 --> 00:15:35,667
Her dad's really rich!
424
00:15:38,904 --> 00:15:40,238
Wow, you weren't kidding.
425
00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:41,773
Yeah.
426
00:15:44,877 --> 00:15:47,111
Hey, you bums!
427
00:15:47,113 --> 00:15:49,080
If you bastards
want our booth,
428
00:15:49,082 --> 00:15:51,215
you got to go
through us to get it.
429
00:15:51,217 --> 00:15:53,618
Smells like this guy's
already wet himself.
430
00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:55,053
Don't flatter yourself.
431
00:15:55,055 --> 00:15:56,454
That was from this morning.
432
00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:58,456
Oh, man, this is gonna be fun.
433
00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:00,725
Yeah, and there's only
two of you losers.
434
00:16:00,727 --> 00:16:02,060
Where's your skinny friend?
435
00:16:02,062 --> 00:16:03,861
Right here.
436
00:16:06,231 --> 00:16:07,932
Quagmire! You came!
437
00:16:07,934 --> 00:16:09,300
Sure did, Peter.
438
00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:10,468
Thanks for calling me
skinny, by the way.
439
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:11,903
I realized you
were right.
440
00:16:11,905 --> 00:16:13,404
If we don't stand up
for ourselves now,
441
00:16:13,406 --> 00:16:15,473
we'll regret it
for the rest of our lives.
442
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:18,576
And this might be the stupidest
thing I've ever done, but...
443
00:16:19,579 --> 00:16:22,347
Oh, now you're gonna get it.
444
00:16:32,624 --> 00:16:34,359
Whelp, I'm out.
445
00:16:35,928 --> 00:16:37,228
Aah!
446
00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:43,434
Hey! That was my pool cue.
447
00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:45,003
I brought it from home.
448
00:16:45,005 --> 00:16:46,504
Oh, sorry.
449
00:16:46,506 --> 00:16:47,972
It screws together.
450
00:16:47,974 --> 00:16:50,141
And I even have
this special little case for it.
451
00:16:50,143 --> 00:16:51,976
I-I feel bad now. I...
452
00:16:51,978 --> 00:16:55,680
Aah!
453
00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:57,015
Hyah!
454
00:16:57,017 --> 00:16:58,783
Hey, that was my
Pawtucket Patriot sign.
455
00:16:58,785 --> 00:17:00,518
I brought it from home.
456
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:03,021
Okay, now I'm starting
to doubt everything you said.
457
00:17:05,825 --> 00:17:07,492
All right, guys,
I know this looks desperate,
458
00:17:07,494 --> 00:17:10,028
but I've got
this can of spinach.
459
00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:25,276
Aah!
460
00:17:46,565 --> 00:17:48,066
Aw, God, it's all watery.
461
00:17:48,068 --> 00:17:49,700
Aah!
462
00:17:49,702 --> 00:17:51,903
You know, I almost said
"no chairs" at the beginning.
463
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:55,573
Haven't you guys
had enough?
464
00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:58,342
Why don't you just admit
you're beat and get out of here?
465
00:17:58,344 --> 00:17:59,577
Okay.
466
00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:01,012
No! Never!
467
00:18:01,014 --> 00:18:02,914
We will never stop fighting
for this booth.
468
00:18:02,916 --> 00:18:04,849
This booth is my home.
469
00:18:04,851 --> 00:18:06,350
I was born in this booth.
470
00:18:06,352 --> 00:18:07,752
I was married in this booth.
471
00:18:07,754 --> 00:18:10,021
My children were all conceived
in this booth.
472
00:18:10,023 --> 00:18:12,757
Hell, I witnessed every
significant historical event
473
00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:14,392
in my lifetime right here!
474
00:18:14,394 --> 00:18:16,861
I was in this booth
when the Challenger exploded.
475
00:18:16,863 --> 00:18:19,097
Oh, my God, no!
476
00:18:19,099 --> 00:18:21,199
I was in this booth on 9/11.
477
00:18:21,201 --> 00:18:23,267
Oh, my God, no!
478
00:18:23,269 --> 00:18:26,204
I was in this booth when
President Obama was elected.
479
00:18:26,206 --> 00:18:28,239
Oh, my God, no!
480
00:18:28,241 --> 00:18:30,541
So, if you want this booth,
you're gonna have
481
00:18:30,543 --> 00:18:33,411
to pry it
from my cold, dead hands.
482
00:18:33,413 --> 00:18:35,213
Why are we even bothering
with these idiots?
483
00:18:35,215 --> 00:18:37,949
We're shipping out to
Afghanistan tomorrow.
484
00:18:37,951 --> 00:18:39,450
You guys are soldiers?
485
00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:41,686
It's our
third tour of duty.
486
00:18:49,228 --> 00:18:51,896
If I could touch my own head,
I'd salute you.
487
00:18:53,967 --> 00:18:56,300
With his head,
I salute you.
488
00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:58,569
Everyone,
I declare this to be
489
00:18:58,571 --> 00:19:00,471
These Three Guys Day.
490
00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:03,407
And not
These Three Guys Day.
491
00:19:11,750 --> 00:19:15,520
I can't believe I have
to root for Afghanistan now.
492
00:19:19,993 --> 00:19:21,392
Ah, damn it!
493
00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:25,596
Stewie! Chris!
494
00:19:25,598 --> 00:19:26,797
Yes, Brian?
495
00:19:26,799 --> 00:19:28,599
You hacked my
Facebook account!
496
00:19:28,601 --> 00:19:30,768
Oh, yes, we actually just
changed your profile picture.
497
00:19:34,439 --> 00:19:36,607
Aah! Damn it!
Look, enough, okay?
498
00:19:36,609 --> 00:19:38,509
What the hell do you
guys want from me?!
499
00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:39,777
I want to drive
your Prius
500
00:19:39,779 --> 00:19:41,979
to the end of the block
all by myself.
501
00:19:41,981 --> 00:19:43,447
That's it?
Yes.
502
00:19:43,449 --> 00:19:45,016
Okay.
503
00:19:45,018 --> 00:19:46,918
Yay!
504
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:57,695
That's, uh... that's way past
the end of the block.
505
00:19:57,697 --> 00:19:58,963
Yeah, his room's empty.
506
00:19:58,965 --> 00:20:00,298
I don't think
he's coming back.
507
00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:01,465
Huh.
508
00:20:01,467 --> 00:20:02,800
Well, what about you?
509
00:20:02,802 --> 00:20:04,669
I want to go on a date
with Neve Campbell
510
00:20:04,671 --> 00:20:07,138
so I can give her a
nice ladle of Stew.
511
00:20:07,140 --> 00:20:09,707
What? How am I supposed
to even find her?
512
00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:11,876
Damn it, Stewie, why are you
being so vindictive?
513
00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:14,312
Because, Brian,
for the first time in my life,
514
00:20:14,314 --> 00:20:16,347
I realized I couldn't trust you.
515
00:20:16,349 --> 00:20:19,584
I couldn't trust
my own best friend.
516
00:20:20,519 --> 00:20:23,187
I... I'm sorry, Stewie.
517
00:20:23,189 --> 00:20:25,856
You're right. I let you down.
518
00:20:25,858 --> 00:20:28,326
I guess... I guess
I was just too embarrassed
519
00:20:28,328 --> 00:20:29,727
to admit I had herpes.
520
00:20:29,729 --> 00:20:31,662
It was a rotten thing to do,
521
00:20:31,664 --> 00:20:34,332
and I promise I will
never lie to you again.
522
00:20:34,334 --> 00:20:35,900
Thanks, Brian.
523
00:20:35,902 --> 00:20:37,902
That's all I really wanted.
524
00:20:37,904 --> 00:20:40,338
So, do you forgive me?
525
00:20:40,340 --> 00:20:42,640
Yes. I do.
526
00:20:44,676 --> 00:20:47,245
So, I'm gonna have herpes
for the rest of my life, huh?
527
00:20:47,247 --> 00:20:49,747
Yeah, but most of the time,
it won't even be an issue.
528
00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:51,882
It only really flares up
during periods of great stress.
529
00:20:51,884 --> 00:20:54,685
Like your wedding day
or a big job interview.
530
00:20:54,687 --> 00:20:58,356
So, what would you say some
of your weaknesses are?
531
00:20:58,358 --> 00:21:00,925
That... that-that's
probably one of them.37693
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