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1
00:00:02,635 --> 00:00:05,637
It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,639 --> 00:00:08,807
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,809 --> 00:00:12,478
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:15,481
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:15,483 --> 00:00:18,984
Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,986 --> 00:00:22,321
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
7
00:00:22,323 --> 00:00:23,856
All the things that make us
8
00:00:23,858 --> 00:00:25,324
Laugh and cry
9
00:00:25,326 --> 00:00:30,963
He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
10
00:00:32,699 --> 00:00:36,435
Captioned by Media Access
Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
11
00:00:38,204 --> 00:00:39,872
Okay, Brian, here we are.
12
00:00:39,874 --> 00:00:41,507
Hey, thanks for fitting in
the ride to school
13
00:00:41,509 --> 00:00:43,075
in between your texts.
14
00:00:43,077 --> 00:00:44,410
Totally, Chris, totally.
15
00:00:44,412 --> 00:00:46,045
I'm sure it'll all
work itself out.
16
00:00:46,047 --> 00:00:47,546
And good luck on that thing.
17
00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:50,416
You know, that was a stroller,
not a speed bump.
18
00:00:55,188 --> 00:00:56,922
Uh-oh. This looks like trouble.
19
00:00:56,924 --> 00:00:59,691
I'll know they're bullies
if they use my full name.
20
00:00:59,693 --> 00:01:01,026
Well, look who it is.
21
00:01:01,028 --> 00:01:02,194
Chris Griffin.
22
00:01:02,196 --> 00:01:03,195
Oh, boy.
23
00:01:03,197 --> 00:01:04,696
Hey, fat ass.
24
00:01:04,698 --> 00:01:06,098
Your boobs are bigger
than your sister's.
25
00:01:06,100 --> 00:01:07,933
Oh, yeah? Well...
26
00:01:07,935 --> 00:01:10,602
you have a sister as well.
27
00:01:10,604 --> 00:01:12,438
That's your comeback?
28
00:01:13,441 --> 00:01:14,440
Oh, man!
29
00:01:14,442 --> 00:01:16,442
Oh, my God. Poor Chris.
30
00:01:16,444 --> 00:01:19,545
He's a social outcast
like Scarface.
31
00:01:19,547 --> 00:01:20,746
Okay, we have a deal.
32
00:01:20,748 --> 00:01:22,948
You bring the money,
I get you the coke.
33
00:01:22,950 --> 00:01:24,716
You got it, Scarface.
34
00:01:24,718 --> 00:01:25,717
Oh, my God!
35
00:01:25,719 --> 00:01:27,086
You can see that?
36
00:01:27,088 --> 00:01:29,121
The doctor said
you wouldn't be able to!
37
00:01:29,123 --> 00:01:30,589
Yes, everyone can see that.
38
00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:32,124
That's why we call
you Scarface.
39
00:01:32,126 --> 00:01:35,160
Whoa, whoa, whoa! "We"?
40
00:01:39,432 --> 00:01:42,968
Well, I have officially seen
every video ever on YouTube.
41
00:01:42,970 --> 00:01:45,137
Got to say,
there's not a bad one.
42
00:01:45,139 --> 00:01:47,973
I need these shipping invoices
filed immediately.
43
00:01:47,975 --> 00:01:50,976
I'll be right back.
44
00:01:50,978 --> 00:01:52,077
There she goes again.
45
00:01:52,079 --> 00:01:53,078
How come she always skips out
46
00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:54,279
when there's work to do?
47
00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:56,148
She's just taking
a smoke break.
48
00:01:56,150 --> 00:01:57,983
A deaf person smoking.
49
00:01:57,985 --> 00:01:59,418
That's-that's weird.
50
00:01:59,420 --> 00:02:01,086
Why is that weird?
51
00:02:01,088 --> 00:02:02,421
That... I mean, there's
no reason that that's weird,
52
00:02:02,423 --> 00:02:04,289
but it-it-it is weird, right?
53
00:02:04,291 --> 00:02:05,991
Yes, Griffin, it's weird.
54
00:02:05,993 --> 00:02:08,160
Wait, so you mean to tell me,
if I ever want to get out
55
00:02:08,162 --> 00:02:10,095
of something, all I got
to do is take a smoke break?
56
00:02:10,097 --> 00:02:11,096
Well, I suppose.
57
00:02:11,098 --> 00:02:12,764
But you don't smoke.
58
00:02:12,766 --> 00:02:16,668
Well, actually I do.
59
00:02:51,871 --> 00:02:53,472
All right, Griffin.
60
00:02:53,474 --> 00:02:54,806
You're clearly a smoker.
61
00:02:54,808 --> 00:02:56,475
Enjoy your break.
62
00:02:56,477 --> 00:02:58,877
Wow, I can use smoking
to get out of anything.
63
00:02:58,879 --> 00:03:02,214
Finally, I'm above the law
like my 14th century ancestor
64
00:03:02,216 --> 00:03:05,184
King of Denmark Griffin.
65
00:03:05,186 --> 00:03:06,852
More wine! More women!
66
00:03:06,854 --> 00:03:08,453
More table!
67
00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:16,562
I'm having a heart attack!
68
00:03:16,564 --> 00:03:18,530
Is anyone at the table a doctor?
69
00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:19,498
I am!
70
00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:21,833
Come here! Hurry! Run!
71
00:03:21,835 --> 00:03:25,337
"But the very far-away doctor
couldn't make it in time."
72
00:03:25,339 --> 00:03:29,608
And that's why here in Denmark
we have very small tables.
73
00:03:35,915 --> 00:03:38,884
Okay, Stewie, time to
change your diaper.
74
00:03:38,886 --> 00:03:42,187
Ooh! Oh, smoke break!
75
00:03:42,189 --> 00:03:44,223
Well, this is
how Scott Caan was raised,
76
00:03:44,225 --> 00:03:46,425
and he turned out okay.
77
00:03:49,529 --> 00:03:51,763
Hey, Dad, want to hear a story
about my day at school?
78
00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:53,432
It's about my hot
friend Melissa.
79
00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:54,766
Okay.
80
00:03:54,768 --> 00:03:56,235
She didn't wear a
bra to school today.
81
00:03:56,237 --> 00:03:57,869
Okay.
82
00:03:57,871 --> 00:04:00,405
And someone spilled water
all over her white shirt.
83
00:04:00,407 --> 00:04:01,873
Okay.
84
00:04:01,875 --> 00:04:03,875
And it was cold, so you
could see everything.
85
00:04:03,877 --> 00:04:05,544
Okay.
86
00:04:05,546 --> 00:04:07,913
Then she left and I realized
I was all alone...
87
00:04:07,915 --> 00:04:10,782
Smoke break!
88
00:04:14,754 --> 00:04:16,288
Hey, Chris?
89
00:04:16,290 --> 00:04:18,790
I-I wanted to talk about
what happened at school...
90
00:04:18,792 --> 00:04:20,592
Is that a dead gerbil in there?
91
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:21,793
That's a fur fish.
92
00:04:21,795 --> 00:04:23,295
It's a weird species.
93
00:04:23,297 --> 00:04:25,230
You put them in there,
and they swim like hell
94
00:04:25,232 --> 00:04:27,432
for, like, 30 seconds,
and then they go to sleep.
95
00:04:27,434 --> 00:04:29,301
This joker still
hasn't woken up.
96
00:04:29,303 --> 00:04:31,303
Get up, lazy!
97
00:04:31,305 --> 00:04:32,604
You know, the way those kids
98
00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:34,072
were picking on you
today in school...
99
00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:35,474
you really got to stand
up for yourself.
100
00:04:35,476 --> 00:04:37,442
Stewie, it's not so easy.
101
00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:39,978
What would you say if I said,
"Hey there, shorty"?
102
00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:42,981
I'd say, "Have another
doughnut, you albino gorilla."
103
00:04:42,983 --> 00:04:44,983
Oh, yeah? Well...
104
00:04:44,985 --> 00:04:47,286
you have a sister as well.
105
00:04:47,288 --> 00:04:51,256
Oh, Stewie, I-I could never
come up with stuff like you do.
106
00:04:51,258 --> 00:04:52,791
Of course not.
You're sweet and simple.
107
00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:54,926
But even you could learn
enough to outsmart
108
00:04:54,928 --> 00:04:56,461
those cretins at your school.
109
00:04:56,463 --> 00:04:57,963
And they'll respect you for it.
110
00:04:57,965 --> 00:04:59,931
In fact, I'll teach you how.
111
00:04:59,933 --> 00:05:01,099
Why would you do that for me?
112
00:05:01,101 --> 00:05:02,801
I'm your brother, Chris.
113
00:05:02,803 --> 00:05:04,603
We're a team and we've got
to look out for each other.
114
00:05:04,605 --> 00:05:07,105
Like Owl and Costello.
115
00:05:07,107 --> 00:05:08,440
I mean the fellow's
name on first base.
116
00:05:08,442 --> 00:05:10,008
Who.
The fellow playing first base.
117
00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:11,643
Who.
The guy on first base.
118
00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:13,845
Who.
I'm asking you who's on first!
119
00:05:13,847 --> 00:05:16,315
Who.
That's what I'm asking you!
120
00:05:16,317 --> 00:05:20,519
Nothing will ever be funnier
than misunderstandings.
121
00:05:26,192 --> 00:05:27,292
All right, Chris,
here they come.
122
00:05:27,294 --> 00:05:28,794
Now, remember what we practiced.
123
00:05:28,796 --> 00:05:30,295
Now, what are you gonna call
the one in the middle?
124
00:05:30,297 --> 00:05:31,997
Isosceles triangle?
125
00:05:31,999 --> 00:05:32,998
What?! Come on, Chris!
126
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,166
We worked on this all night.
127
00:05:34,168 --> 00:05:36,968
I know! I also had
a geometry test!
128
00:05:36,970 --> 00:05:38,537
Well, how'd that go?
129
00:05:43,042 --> 00:05:44,509
Hey, look who it is.
130
00:05:44,511 --> 00:05:45,877
Dorky Pig.
131
00:05:45,879 --> 00:05:47,212
Go on, Chris. It's now or never.
132
00:05:47,214 --> 00:05:48,547
Let them have it.
133
00:05:48,549 --> 00:05:49,648
Nice muscles.
134
00:05:49,650 --> 00:05:51,883
What, do you belong to a gym?
135
00:05:51,885 --> 00:05:53,352
Oh, for God's sake, Chris.
136
00:05:53,354 --> 00:05:55,387
Here, put me on your back
and repeat what I say.
137
00:05:55,389 --> 00:05:58,990
Quick! Here they come!
138
00:05:58,992 --> 00:06:01,393
You're even uglier
up close, Griffin.
139
00:06:01,395 --> 00:06:03,862
Okay, now say...
140
00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:06,531
I heard you were born
out of your mom's butt.
141
00:06:06,533 --> 00:06:09,334
I heard that from your mom
while I was doing her.
142
00:06:09,336 --> 00:06:10,869
You're a butt baby.
143
00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:13,171
That's why you've got moles
all over your chest.
144
00:06:13,173 --> 00:06:15,340
Leftover birth dook.
145
00:06:16,910 --> 00:06:18,677
Oh, man!
Griffin schooled him!
146
00:06:18,679 --> 00:06:20,178
I can't believe I'm
moving tomorrow,
147
00:06:20,180 --> 00:06:22,514
and I won't get to see
how this works out.
148
00:06:22,516 --> 00:06:24,850
Wow, Stewie, we're gonna
work perfectly together.
149
00:06:24,852 --> 00:06:27,519
Like Sherlock
Holmes and Watson.
150
00:06:27,521 --> 00:06:28,754
Watson, a clue!
151
00:06:28,756 --> 00:06:30,722
The intruder has
tracked in a red clay,
152
00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:34,059
which can only be found near
London's homosexual bathhouse.
153
00:06:34,061 --> 00:06:35,360
Amazing, Holmes.
154
00:06:35,362 --> 00:06:36,528
How did you know that?
155
00:06:36,530 --> 00:06:39,097
Just from, like,
books and stuff.
156
00:06:42,435 --> 00:06:44,936
Your turn.
157
00:06:46,739 --> 00:06:48,440
You know, Peter, it's so nice
158
00:06:48,442 --> 00:06:50,242
that after all these years
we've been together,
159
00:06:50,244 --> 00:06:51,710
we can still...
Smoke break!
160
00:06:51,712 --> 00:06:53,545
What? Peter, what are you
doing down there?
161
00:06:53,547 --> 00:06:54,780
Nothing.
162
00:06:54,782 --> 00:06:56,581
Well, it doesn't
seem like nothing.
163
00:06:59,219 --> 00:07:01,453
Peter, since when
are you a smoker?
164
00:07:01,455 --> 00:07:02,888
Put that out right now!
165
00:07:02,890 --> 00:07:04,756
Smoking is highly addictive.
166
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:05,957
I'm not addicted.
167
00:07:05,959 --> 00:07:07,559
I just need a couple
every hour or so,
168
00:07:07,561 --> 00:07:09,060
so I don't go
completely insane.
169
00:07:09,062 --> 00:07:11,229
Peter, that's exactly
what addicted means.
170
00:07:11,231 --> 00:07:13,064
You have a serious problem.
171
00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:14,566
Cigarettes will kill you.
172
00:07:14,568 --> 00:07:16,568
Relax, Lois.
I can quit any time I want.
173
00:07:16,570 --> 00:07:19,037
Look, I'll toss
this one out right now.
174
00:07:20,139 --> 00:07:23,141
I'm so sorry I threw you
out the window!
175
00:07:25,645 --> 00:07:27,913
Hey, man, can you keep it down?
176
00:07:27,915 --> 00:07:30,115
Sorry.
Wait, whose bedroom are you in?
177
00:07:30,117 --> 00:07:31,149
Meg's.
178
00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:32,350
Okay, that's fine then.
179
00:07:37,990 --> 00:07:39,424
Where's Dad?
180
00:07:39,426 --> 00:07:42,861
Your father got up early
and went for a run.
181
00:07:43,930 --> 00:07:45,664
Ah, nothing
like an after-run mint
182
00:07:45,666 --> 00:07:48,633
to get rid
of that jogger's breath.
183
00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:50,469
Okay, now sit down
and have some breakfast.
184
00:07:50,471 --> 00:07:52,304
I made your favorite...
waffles and...
185
00:07:52,306 --> 00:07:54,873
Hey, uh, did anybody get
the paper today?
186
00:07:58,344 --> 00:07:59,811
Ah, nothing
like an after-paper mint
187
00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:02,514
to get rid
of that paper-getting breath.
188
00:08:02,516 --> 00:08:04,449
You know, I feel like
these waffles could use
189
00:08:04,451 --> 00:08:06,451
a little fresh air.
Come on, boys.
190
00:08:06,453 --> 00:08:07,452
Peter, sit down.
191
00:08:07,454 --> 00:08:09,588
You need your breakfast.
192
00:08:18,297 --> 00:08:20,665
Oh, Peter,
I meant to tell you.
193
00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:23,201
Remember my cousin Sylvia's
husband Robert? Well...
194
00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:24,870
Does this story
have an end?!
195
00:08:24,872 --> 00:08:26,471
Peter, I just started.
196
00:08:26,473 --> 00:08:28,039
Oh, Meg's out of milk.
I'll get you a carton.
197
00:08:28,041 --> 00:08:29,140
Hey, good story, Lois.
198
00:08:29,142 --> 00:08:31,243
You wrapped it up nicely.
199
00:08:36,015 --> 00:08:37,682
I know it's technically
not illegal,
200
00:08:37,684 --> 00:08:40,318
but it seemed wrong when
your music teacher wrapped
201
00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:42,988
a trash bag around his waist
so he could change pants.
202
00:08:42,990 --> 00:08:45,156
Hey, Jew-bacca!
203
00:08:45,158 --> 00:08:48,527
Passover's stupid and I'm gonna
prove it by breaking your nose.
204
00:08:48,529 --> 00:08:49,995
Hey!
205
00:08:49,997 --> 00:08:52,163
Why don't you pick on someone
your own religion
206
00:08:52,165 --> 00:08:53,999
who can fight for themselves?
207
00:08:54,001 --> 00:08:55,367
And you're not so tough.
208
00:08:55,369 --> 00:08:57,502
You frequently opt
out of swim class
209
00:08:57,504 --> 00:09:00,238
because of your gross
microcephalic penis.
210
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:01,406
It's not gross!
211
00:09:01,408 --> 00:09:02,674
It's special.
212
00:09:02,676 --> 00:09:05,510
I can use it
to reset my cable box.
213
00:09:05,512 --> 00:09:09,180
Hey, Chris, what you did there
for that sweaty Jew?
214
00:09:09,182 --> 00:09:10,682
That was really nice.
215
00:09:10,684 --> 00:09:12,083
Back away, foul wench!
216
00:09:12,085 --> 00:09:15,720
Your wide hips hold
no temptation for me!
217
00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:17,355
Uh... I mean...
218
00:09:17,357 --> 00:09:18,790
you have...
219
00:09:20,192 --> 00:09:21,526
...a-a vulva...
220
00:09:21,528 --> 00:09:23,528
and fallopian tubes.
221
00:09:23,530 --> 00:09:25,196
Finally!
A guy who listens!
222
00:09:25,198 --> 00:09:28,600
Here's my number.
Call me.
223
00:09:33,239 --> 00:09:35,206
Peter, when'd you
start smoking?
224
00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:38,043
Well, you know, at first
it was a way to get out of work,
225
00:09:38,045 --> 00:09:40,045
but then I discovered
it's a delightful habit
226
00:09:40,047 --> 00:09:42,113
that has lots of benefits.
Yeah? Like what?
227
00:09:42,115 --> 00:09:44,382
Like I get to punctuate
tough conversations
228
00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:45,884
by ashing a cigarette.
229
00:09:45,886 --> 00:09:47,419
Joe, your
marriage is over.
230
00:09:47,421 --> 00:09:50,121
Oh, please. Bonnie and I
are stronger than ever.
231
00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:52,390
Your marriage...
232
00:09:52,392 --> 00:09:54,559
is over.
233
00:09:56,129 --> 00:10:00,031
Well, now that you
say it with the cigarette...
234
00:10:05,805 --> 00:10:09,107
God, there's, like, no one hot
at this school this year.
235
00:10:09,109 --> 00:10:11,509
Okay, students, take your seats.
236
00:10:12,778 --> 00:10:14,613
First off, we have a new rule:
237
00:10:14,615 --> 00:10:17,315
no more asking the gym teachers
if they went to college.
238
00:10:17,317 --> 00:10:19,117
They did not.
239
00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:22,087
Next, it's time for nominations
for student body president.
240
00:10:22,089 --> 00:10:24,656
As of now, we have
the perpetually upbeat black kid
241
00:10:24,658 --> 00:10:26,424
running unopposed.
242
00:10:26,426 --> 00:10:29,995
Come on, yo, this is gonna be
a great year for all of us!
243
00:10:29,997 --> 00:10:31,429
Surely there's another student
244
00:10:31,431 --> 00:10:33,598
who'd like to throw
his hat in the ring.
245
00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:35,300
I nominate Chris Griffin!
246
00:10:37,837 --> 00:10:39,471
Chris, they love you.
247
00:10:39,473 --> 00:10:41,940
I'm a better coach
than God.
248
00:10:41,942 --> 00:10:43,975
Come on, you're getting
crucified out there!
249
00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:45,777
I know. It's
a crucifixion.
250
00:10:45,779 --> 00:10:47,278
Well, yeah, I know.
251
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:48,813
But that doesn't mean
you should stop trying.
252
00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:51,182
Dad, you're not
the coach!
253
00:10:56,189 --> 00:10:59,624
Peter, your fart didn't
go off until 8:30.
254
00:10:59,626 --> 00:11:01,860
Get up. We're late!
255
00:11:04,130 --> 00:11:05,997
What the hell?!
256
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:07,532
What? What? What?!
Peter,
257
00:11:07,534 --> 00:11:09,300
i-it's horrible!
258
00:11:09,302 --> 00:11:11,503
Other people
live here!
259
00:11:11,505 --> 00:11:13,505
Oh, my God!
260
00:11:13,507 --> 00:11:15,040
How did this happen?!
261
00:11:15,042 --> 00:11:16,341
It's from smoking!
262
00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:17,509
It's not that bad.
263
00:11:17,511 --> 00:11:19,177
Peter, you can't live
like this.
264
00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:20,845
I'm taking you
to Dr. Hartman.
265
00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:22,547
No! I hate the doctor!
266
00:11:22,549 --> 00:11:24,049
Are you sure?
267
00:11:24,051 --> 00:11:25,717
There are Cheez-Its in there.
268
00:11:25,719 --> 00:11:27,752
Cheez-Its?!
269
00:11:28,654 --> 00:11:30,555
Huh? W-Wait. What's going on?
270
00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:32,190
I'm scared! I'm scared!
271
00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:34,225
Oh, it's nighttime.
272
00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:36,227
Good night.
273
00:11:39,832 --> 00:11:42,333
Mr. Griffin, I'm gonna need
to ask you a few questions.
274
00:11:42,335 --> 00:11:44,836
Do you think I can jump
and touch that pipe up there?
275
00:11:44,838 --> 00:11:47,205
I don't know.
The hell I can't!
276
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:48,540
There, got it.
277
00:11:48,542 --> 00:11:50,341
Yeah, I guess
your fingertips grazed it.
278
00:11:50,343 --> 00:11:52,177
Yeah, that counts
as a dunk.
279
00:11:52,179 --> 00:11:54,846
Dr. Hartman, we're here for you
to help Peter quit smoking.
280
00:11:54,848 --> 00:11:57,082
Mrs. Griffin, I can't do
that. It's an addiction.
281
00:11:57,084 --> 00:11:59,517
I can't even get my
son to quit being gay.
282
00:11:59,519 --> 00:12:02,020
Well, you got to do something!
He's killing himself!
283
00:12:02,022 --> 00:12:04,923
All right, how many Vicodins for
you guys to just leave me alone?
284
00:12:04,925 --> 00:12:06,424
Forty.
285
00:12:07,860 --> 00:12:10,228
Well, it's too bad
Dr. Hartman couldn't help us.
286
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:12,230
I guess we should go
to the Stop Smoking Clinic
287
00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:14,833
and then maybe get
a couple bottles of wine.
288
00:12:19,071 --> 00:12:21,372
Oh, hey, Stewie.
Ready to go to school?
289
00:12:21,374 --> 00:12:23,742
Well, actually, Chris,
I've got good news.
290
00:12:23,744 --> 00:12:25,710
Aw, I'll take
the bad news first.
291
00:12:25,712 --> 00:12:27,378
No. What? There
is no bad news.
292
00:12:27,380 --> 00:12:29,547
Oh, all right. Then give me
the good news first.
293
00:12:29,549 --> 00:12:32,383
The good news is, I've taught
you everything you need to know
294
00:12:32,385 --> 00:12:33,885
to fend for yourself.
295
00:12:33,887 --> 00:12:36,588
So from now on, you can
go to school without me.
296
00:12:36,590 --> 00:12:37,756
What are you talking about?
297
00:12:37,758 --> 00:12:39,290
I'm running for class president.
298
00:12:39,292 --> 00:12:40,725
I need you!
299
00:12:40,727 --> 00:12:42,427
What are you doing?
300
00:12:42,429 --> 00:12:44,963
You're coming to school with me
whether you like it or not!
301
00:12:44,965 --> 00:12:46,965
Let me out! You can't keep me
in here forever!
302
00:12:46,967 --> 00:12:48,566
I have too many plans
for the future!
303
00:12:48,568 --> 00:12:50,135
I'll never win a Nobel Prize!
304
00:12:50,137 --> 00:12:51,970
I'll never be a member
of Parliament!
305
00:12:51,972 --> 00:12:54,272
I'll never get to express
disappointment with young people
306
00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:56,241
while putting in my dentures!
307
00:12:56,243 --> 00:12:58,076
Stupid younger generation.
308
00:12:58,078 --> 00:13:01,112
Back in my day, we had
Katy Perry, Justin Bieber.
309
00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:02,747
That was real music.
310
00:13:13,959 --> 00:13:15,460
Lois, why do all the people
in here look
311
00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:16,928
like Emperor Palpatine?
312
00:13:16,930 --> 00:13:19,097
Because they're all
heavy smokers, Peter.
313
00:13:19,099 --> 00:13:20,832
I'm gonna sign you in.
314
00:13:22,301 --> 00:13:26,671
Would the driver of a 1978
Camaro please move your car?
315
00:13:30,776 --> 00:13:32,644
Man, how the hell
am I gonna quit smoking?
316
00:13:32,646 --> 00:13:35,780
I wish smoking
could just quit me instead.
317
00:13:35,782 --> 00:13:37,348
Thank you
for meeting me here.
318
00:13:37,350 --> 00:13:39,818
I have something
very important to tell you.
319
00:13:39,820 --> 00:13:41,953
I have something
important to tell you, too.
320
00:13:41,955 --> 00:13:45,223
Peter, I think we
should see other people.
321
00:13:45,958 --> 00:13:47,892
Okay.
322
00:13:49,995 --> 00:13:53,464
Uh, good, that's what
I was gonna say, too.
323
00:13:53,466 --> 00:13:56,034
Excuse me, I'm Mr. Stone
with the ad agency
324
00:13:56,036 --> 00:13:58,036
of Anderson, Wheeler
and Thirdname.
325
00:13:58,038 --> 00:14:01,840
And I think you'd be perfect for
our new anti-smoking campaign.
326
00:14:01,842 --> 00:14:04,375
Me? You'd want me on TV?
327
00:14:04,377 --> 00:14:05,677
Even though I'm hideous?
328
00:14:05,679 --> 00:14:07,645
Sure. Have you seen
Boardwalk Empire?
329
00:14:07,647 --> 00:14:09,981
It's just a crap-fest
of faces.
330
00:14:09,983 --> 00:14:12,650
There is one catch: if you're
gonna be our spokesman,
331
00:14:12,652 --> 00:14:14,185
you have to keep smoking.
332
00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:16,321
We need you to stay wrinkled
and sickly.
333
00:14:16,323 --> 00:14:18,990
But my wife brought me here
to quit smoking.
334
00:14:18,992 --> 00:14:20,692
Wives, huh?
335
00:14:20,694 --> 00:14:22,727
O-Okay,
now I'm on your side!
336
00:14:22,729 --> 00:14:23,895
Oh, this is awesome!
337
00:14:23,897 --> 00:14:25,196
I'm gonna be on TV!
338
00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:27,198
But no more talk
of quitting, right?
339
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,167
You got it. So, um,
340
00:14:29,169 --> 00:14:30,902
does somethin' like this
pay a lot of money?
341
00:14:30,904 --> 00:14:32,871
What do you think
a lot of money is?
342
00:14:32,873 --> 00:14:35,907
I-I don't want to say.
I'm embarrassed.
343
00:14:42,181 --> 00:14:45,350
And now a word from
the American Lung Association.
344
00:14:45,352 --> 00:14:47,685
Oh, hey, hey, guys! Here
comes one of my TV spots!
345
00:14:47,687 --> 00:14:50,021
Hi, Peter Griffin,
sickly smoker.
346
00:14:50,023 --> 00:14:52,023
This is your heart.
347
00:14:52,025 --> 00:14:54,559
This is your heart
on cigarettes.
348
00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:56,027
Any questions?
349
00:14:56,029 --> 00:14:57,996
Yeah, where'd you get
that heart?
350
00:14:59,698 --> 00:15:01,866
Hey, Peter, now that
you're a celebrity,
351
00:15:01,868 --> 00:15:03,868
could I get a picture
of you to put on the wall?
352
00:15:03,870 --> 00:15:05,036
Sure, here you go.
353
00:15:05,038 --> 00:15:06,537
Thanks, man.
354
00:15:06,539 --> 00:15:08,539
I'll put you up next
to these black celebrities
355
00:15:08,541 --> 00:15:10,909
who are just
confusing strangers to you.
356
00:15:10,911 --> 00:15:12,410
Who's Marlin Johnson?
357
00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:14,746
Oh, come on, man.
Stand-up comedian?
358
00:15:14,748 --> 00:15:17,916
He got that whole thing
about the "Oh-Ee-Oh-Ee-Hey-Yo."
359
00:15:17,918 --> 00:15:20,785
I can't even
get through it.
360
00:15:20,787 --> 00:15:22,787
Hey! You talkin'
'bout Marlin Johnson?
361
00:15:22,789 --> 00:15:25,223
You know it!
Oh-Ee-Oh-Ee-Hey-Yo!
362
00:15:25,225 --> 00:15:28,126
That's right.
363
00:15:31,730 --> 00:15:33,131
Hey, Lois.
364
00:15:33,133 --> 00:15:35,633
Peter, I saw your ad on TV,
and I got to say,
365
00:15:35,635 --> 00:15:37,969
I'm glad you're finally
doing the right thing.
366
00:15:37,971 --> 00:15:40,738
Yeah, it feels good
to be helping people.
367
00:15:40,740 --> 00:15:43,308
Peter, what are you doing?!
I thought you quit!
368
00:15:43,310 --> 00:15:45,443
Hey, if George Michael
doesn't have to give up butts,
369
00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:47,679
why should I?
370
00:15:49,581 --> 00:15:52,450
I'm serious.
You have to stop smoking!
371
00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:54,085
Have you looked in the mirror?
You look terrible.
372
00:15:54,087 --> 00:15:55,820
Eh, what do you care?
373
00:15:55,822 --> 00:15:58,256
It's not like you have to look
at my face when we have sex.
374
00:15:58,258 --> 00:16:00,458
Not since we started
role-playing.
375
00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:02,460
Peter, I'm ready.
376
00:16:02,462 --> 00:16:05,263
Okay, now put on yours.
377
00:16:05,265 --> 00:16:08,599
Wow, isn't it weird that
we both picked Mario Lopez?
378
00:16:08,601 --> 00:16:10,768
Yes, Peter.
It's very weird.
379
00:16:10,770 --> 00:16:15,006
Yeah, it shows that we both
go Latino but soft Latino.
380
00:16:18,277 --> 00:16:21,512
Day five of my imprisonment
inside Chris' backpack.
381
00:16:21,514 --> 00:16:23,614
Feces and the buildup thereof
continues to be
382
00:16:23,616 --> 00:16:25,183
my number one problem.
383
00:16:25,185 --> 00:16:27,518
I think a teacher saw me
the other day but said nothing.
384
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:29,554
I waved and he looked away.
385
00:16:35,694 --> 00:16:38,463
This could be my chance
to escape this canvas cage!
386
00:16:49,541 --> 00:16:51,809
That sounds like an open door.
Which way is out?
387
00:16:51,811 --> 00:16:53,711
God, I love walking
in the hall!
388
00:16:53,713 --> 00:16:55,246
There! That way!
389
00:16:57,649 --> 00:16:59,217
Must escape!
390
00:17:01,186 --> 00:17:03,755
Must... escape.
391
00:17:06,725 --> 00:17:09,727
Mu...
392
00:17:10,529 --> 00:17:13,731
You're gonna die in there.
393
00:17:16,502 --> 00:17:18,403
Welcome back,
Mr. Griffin!
394
00:17:18,405 --> 00:17:19,404
You look terrible!
395
00:17:19,406 --> 00:17:21,172
Thanks, man named Sandy!
396
00:17:21,174 --> 00:17:23,207
Oh, hey, uh, you know,
I don't know if you're the guy
397
00:17:23,209 --> 00:17:25,209
to talk to about this,
but when I went to my trailer
398
00:17:25,211 --> 00:17:27,512
this morning, there was
a hairy naked guy in it.
399
00:17:27,514 --> 00:17:29,013
We don't provide trailers.
400
00:17:29,015 --> 00:17:31,349
We're just next door to a trailer park.
Ah.
401
00:17:31,351 --> 00:17:34,185
That would explain the violent
lovemaking that followed.
402
00:17:34,187 --> 00:17:36,020
Listen, Peter, we need to talk.
403
00:17:36,022 --> 00:17:39,190
I'm sorry to tell you this, but
we no longer need your services.
404
00:17:39,192 --> 00:17:40,691
Wait... What?
405
00:17:40,693 --> 00:17:42,560
How could you do that?!
406
00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:44,095
Well, I went to a NASCAR event
407
00:17:44,097 --> 00:17:46,397
and realized you're just
an average-looking man.
408
00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:48,066
Please! I'll do anything
to keep my job!
409
00:17:48,068 --> 00:17:49,934
N-Name anything you want
and I'll do it!
410
00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:52,136
Touch your toes.
411
00:17:54,373 --> 00:17:56,274
Please give me
something else!
412
00:17:56,276 --> 00:17:59,410
I'm sorry, Peter,
it's over.
413
00:18:02,248 --> 00:18:04,949
Why are your eyes
crying, Peter?
414
00:18:04,951 --> 00:18:06,584
They fired me, Larry!
415
00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:09,587
Come on. Let's go kidnap
my neighbor's dog
416
00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:12,657
and tell them
we don't have it.
417
00:18:18,063 --> 00:18:19,630
Good morning, students.
418
00:18:19,632 --> 00:18:22,300
First of all, I don't care
what the courts say,
419
00:18:22,302 --> 00:18:24,402
let's thank
the Christian God together.
420
00:18:24,404 --> 00:18:26,137
Now then, we're here today
421
00:18:26,139 --> 00:18:28,406
for the presidential candidate
debate.
422
00:18:28,408 --> 00:18:30,908
Okay, remember,
people think I'm smart now.
423
00:18:30,910 --> 00:18:33,244
So it's got to be clever
and it's got to pop.
424
00:18:33,246 --> 00:18:35,480
I'm done! I'm not
saying another word.
425
00:18:35,482 --> 00:18:37,415
You can't hold me prisoner
in here forever!
426
00:18:37,417 --> 00:18:40,785
Why not?
Name one person who loves you.
427
00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:44,755
Wow. Not a
proportional response.
428
00:18:44,757 --> 00:18:46,958
All right, let's begin
with an opening statement
429
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:50,595
from the perpetually upbeat
black kid.
430
00:18:50,597 --> 00:18:51,963
Thanks for letting me go first.
431
00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:53,931
I got an hour-and-a-half drive
home after this.
432
00:18:53,933 --> 00:18:55,600
You're not getting it,
Chris, are you?
433
00:18:55,602 --> 00:18:57,768
You were being bullied
day in and day out,
434
00:18:57,770 --> 00:18:59,170
so I tried to help you.
435
00:18:59,172 --> 00:19:00,838
I tried to be a good brother.
436
00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:02,640
And you've repaid me with abuse.
437
00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:05,343
You're the bully, Chris Griffin.
438
00:19:08,113 --> 00:19:10,882
Oh, my God.
You're right.
439
00:19:12,951 --> 00:19:16,988
And now an opening statement
from our second candidate,
440
00:19:16,990 --> 00:19:19,524
the King of the Zingers,
Chris Griffin.
441
00:19:21,995 --> 00:19:23,661
Go easy on me, Chris.
442
00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:25,630
My sister has M.S.
443
00:19:25,632 --> 00:19:27,999
I'm worried what you're
gonna do with that.
444
00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:30,301
I'm out. I'm not running.
445
00:19:30,303 --> 00:19:31,836
And neither is she.
446
00:19:31,838 --> 00:19:33,704
I knew you'd
have something.
447
00:19:33,706 --> 00:19:35,039
No, you don't understand.
448
00:19:35,041 --> 00:19:37,208
I'm dropping out
of the election.
449
00:19:38,545 --> 00:19:39,810
I'm a big fraud,
450
00:19:39,812 --> 00:19:41,812
and I've treated people
terribly.
451
00:19:41,814 --> 00:19:45,883
Much like Jeff Zucker
when he ran NBC.
452
00:19:46,685 --> 00:19:47,852
I'm sorry, Stewie.
453
00:19:47,854 --> 00:19:49,153
Can you forgive me?
454
00:19:49,155 --> 00:19:52,056
Well, I may no longer be
on your back,
455
00:19:52,058 --> 00:19:55,560
but I'll always be on your side.
456
00:19:58,163 --> 00:20:00,164
All right,
457
00:20:00,166 --> 00:20:02,400
this election is postponed.
Go back to class.
458
00:20:02,402 --> 00:20:04,001
Oh, and another thing,
459
00:20:04,003 --> 00:20:06,204
stop making fun of teachers
who don't have cars.
460
00:20:06,206 --> 00:20:10,608
Life's not as easy as you think
it's gonna be right now.
461
00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:18,716
You know, Chris, what you did on
that stage took a lot of guts.
462
00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:20,351
Thanks, Stewie.
463
00:20:20,353 --> 00:20:22,853
And thanks to you, I'm no
longer getting bullied.
464
00:20:22,855 --> 00:20:24,222
Well, that's great.
465
00:20:24,224 --> 00:20:26,357
I guess we put those bullies
in their place, huh?
466
00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:28,559
Yeah. Two of them
shot themselves.
467
00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:30,861
Oh, that's so good
to hear, Chris.
468
00:20:30,863 --> 00:20:32,697
Are they done?
They're-they're all done?
469
00:20:32,699 --> 00:20:34,565
Okay, all right,
let's finish ours.
470
00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:38,236
Well, I finally quit smoking and
I'm ready to go back to normal!
471
00:20:38,238 --> 00:20:39,870
Peter, that's not
how it works.
472
00:20:39,872 --> 00:20:42,206
The damage you've done
is irreversible.
473
00:20:42,208 --> 00:20:44,542
Yeah, Lois is right.
As bad as you look,
474
00:20:44,544 --> 00:20:47,044
the damage you've done
to your heart and your lungs is,
475
00:20:47,046 --> 00:20:49,380
no doubt, exponentially worse.
What?!
476
00:20:49,382 --> 00:20:51,916
Well, try cuttin' to the outside
of the house over some music.
477
00:20:51,918 --> 00:20:53,918
That usually works.34853
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