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00:00:02,102 --> 00:00:04,970
It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:04,972 --> 00:00:08,273
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,275 --> 00:00:11,844
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,846 --> 00:00:14,847
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,849 --> 00:00:18,350
Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:21,653
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
7
00:00:21,655 --> 00:00:23,222
All the things that make us
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00:00:23,224 --> 00:00:24,623
Laugh and cry
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00:00:24,625 --> 00:00:31,296
He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
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00:00:31,298 --> 00:00:35,734
Captioned by Media Access
Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
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00:00:35,736 --> 00:00:37,236
The Travel Channel presents,
12
00:00:37,238 --> 00:00:39,638
"Backpacking Through Europe
with a Bowlegged Man
13
00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:41,040
in Short Shorts."
14
00:00:41,042 --> 00:00:44,476
Hello. Come, let's see some
beautiful sites together.
15
00:00:44,478 --> 00:00:46,979
Hello, Tree.
Thank you for shade.
16
00:00:46,981 --> 00:00:48,514
Hello, Mountain Cat.
17
00:00:48,516 --> 00:00:51,150
Thank you for controlling
local rat population.
18
00:00:51,152 --> 00:00:52,551
Hello, Windmill.
19
00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:55,220
Thank you for the cheese ride
and ball cooling.
20
00:00:55,222 --> 00:00:57,389
Next week, bullet trains.
21
00:00:57,391 --> 00:01:00,025
Hello...!
22
00:01:00,027 --> 00:01:02,327
Hey, Dad. Are you busy?
23
00:01:02,329 --> 00:01:05,064
I was thinking we could
spend some time together.
24
00:01:05,066 --> 00:01:06,665
Okay, are you a
television set,
25
00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:07,766
or the Internet?
26
00:01:07,768 --> 00:01:08,734
No.
27
00:01:08,736 --> 00:01:10,169
Oh, then no.
No, thank you.
28
00:01:10,171 --> 00:01:11,403
Are you sure?
29
00:01:11,405 --> 00:01:13,238
Cause there's a
three-day weekend coming up
30
00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:15,507
and I thought maybe you and I
can finally go fishing
31
00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:17,009
like we've been
talking about.
32
00:01:17,011 --> 00:01:20,279
Aw, sorry, Chris, I can't.
I got insanity practice.
33
00:01:21,549 --> 00:01:24,083
Pinwheels! Pinwheels in my head!
34
00:01:24,085 --> 00:01:25,751
Voices! Angry fish!
35
00:01:25,753 --> 00:01:27,386
How's he doing?
Not good.
36
00:01:27,388 --> 00:01:30,089
He still thinks this is
"practice" of some sort.
37
00:01:30,091 --> 00:01:33,092
But you promised
we'd go fishing.
38
00:01:33,094 --> 00:01:36,261
Aw, Chris, I was just
lying to you so you'd go away.
39
00:01:36,263 --> 00:01:39,465
But, if you leave me alone now,
I'll give you a billion dollars.
40
00:01:39,467 --> 00:01:41,633
You've got a deal!
41
00:01:41,635 --> 00:01:43,068
Peter, you know,
i-it might help Chris
42
00:01:43,070 --> 00:01:45,104
to be able to spend
some time with his father.
43
00:01:45,106 --> 00:01:46,438
Well, what's in it
for ol' Pete?
44
00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:47,639
He's your son.
45
00:01:47,641 --> 00:01:49,274
Don't you want someone
to bond with.
46
00:01:49,276 --> 00:01:52,044
No. I only form
unspoken bonds.
47
00:01:56,416 --> 00:02:00,252
PAT BENATAR
Hit me with your best shot
48
00:02:00,254 --> 00:02:01,887
Why don't you hit me
with your best shot?
49
00:02:04,391 --> 00:02:06,258
Hit me with your best shot
50
00:02:07,561 --> 00:02:10,095
Fire away...
51
00:02:12,299 --> 00:02:13,999
You come on
with a "come on"...
52
00:02:17,470 --> 00:02:18,737
O-Okay.
53
00:02:18,739 --> 00:02:20,739
I'll talk to you later. Bye.
54
00:02:20,741 --> 00:02:22,074
You guys, that was my mom.
55
00:02:22,076 --> 00:02:23,809
She said that
Daddy broke his leg.
56
00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:24,810
How?!
57
00:02:24,812 --> 00:02:27,479
A-Apparently, he got hurt
at the mall.
58
00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:29,982
Carter, please stop
doing that.
59
00:02:29,984 --> 00:02:31,817
We need to get you
some new corduroys.
60
00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:34,453
No! None of the other boys
are wearing corduroys!
61
00:02:34,455 --> 00:02:35,687
I want dungarees!
62
00:02:35,689 --> 00:02:37,589
You're going to
get hurt doing that.
63
00:02:37,591 --> 00:02:40,759
No I'm not!
I'm the champ at doing this!
64
00:02:40,761 --> 00:02:42,461
Ow! You jinxed me!
65
00:02:42,463 --> 00:02:43,529
Aw, damn it!
66
00:02:43,531 --> 00:02:44,863
Hey, call that beeping cart
67
00:02:44,865 --> 00:02:47,099
that carries around
the fat black people.
68
00:02:47,101 --> 00:02:49,501
Well, I guess Babs has
her work cut out for her.
69
00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:52,271
Actually, Mom can't take care
of him, she's out of town
70
00:02:52,273 --> 00:02:55,741
doing a photo shoot for the
cover of Veins Magazine.
71
00:02:58,278 --> 00:03:00,345
So, are you gonna go
take care of him, Mom?
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00:03:00,347 --> 00:03:03,615
I can't go. I've got to go get
my hair very minutely changed
73
00:03:03,617 --> 00:03:06,919
and then spend the next 14 hours
trying to get people to notice.
74
00:03:09,055 --> 00:03:10,322
Well...?
75
00:03:10,324 --> 00:03:12,124
Lois, move.
You're blocking the TV.
76
00:03:12,126 --> 00:03:14,293
What do you think?
77
00:03:14,295 --> 00:03:15,894
I think you're
blocking the TV.
78
00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:18,697
Peter, i-is there anything
you want to say to me?
79
00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:22,234
All right.
Amy at work kissed me.
80
00:03:22,236 --> 00:03:24,136
It itrue
that I did not step away,
81
00:03:24,138 --> 00:03:25,537
but I did not lean in.
82
00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:26,972
However, in my defense,
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00:03:26,974 --> 00:03:29,641
she had recently gotten
her hair done differently.
84
00:03:29,643 --> 00:03:32,311
I was actually thinking that
maybe you could go help Daddy.
85
00:03:32,313 --> 00:03:33,745
Well, not me, Mom.
86
00:03:33,747 --> 00:03:35,180
Last time I was
at Grandpa's,
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00:03:35,182 --> 00:03:37,716
I beat him at checkers and he
punched one of my hogans.
88
00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:39,017
Well, what about Chris?
89
00:03:39,019 --> 00:03:40,652
Wai-Wait, where is Chris?
90
00:03:40,654 --> 00:03:42,054
He's upstairs
in his room.
91
00:03:42,056 --> 00:03:44,022
That's odd.
He never misses a meal.
92
00:03:44,024 --> 00:03:45,324
I-I better go check on him.
93
00:03:45,326 --> 00:03:46,525
Yeah, good idea.
94
00:03:46,527 --> 00:03:49,428
I better check on my
hairless twin in the storm shed.
95
00:03:51,264 --> 00:03:53,899
Close the door,
the moonlight burns!
96
00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:56,401
It's almost Christmas.
It's almost Christmas.
97
00:03:56,403 --> 00:03:57,669
Christmas?!
98
00:03:57,671 --> 00:03:59,104
Yes. Keep being good
99
00:03:59,106 --> 00:04:02,107
and all the eggshells and
coffee grounds will be yours.
100
00:04:02,109 --> 00:04:04,209
Can I meet the family?
101
00:04:04,211 --> 00:04:06,044
You've overstepped!
No Christmas!
102
00:04:09,616 --> 00:04:11,617
Hey, Chris. Are you okay?
103
00:04:11,619 --> 00:04:14,019
Holy crap, it smells
like farts in here.
104
00:04:14,021 --> 00:04:15,787
Those are my farts.
105
00:04:15,789 --> 00:04:18,457
Why doesn't Dad ever
want to spend time with me?
106
00:04:18,459 --> 00:04:19,992
Chris, come here.
107
00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:22,060
Sit down.
108
00:04:22,062 --> 00:04:24,096
You know I love you,
right, sweetie?
109
00:04:24,098 --> 00:04:26,531
Mom... not in front
of my posters.
110
00:04:26,533 --> 00:04:28,400
And your father
loves you, too.
111
00:04:28,402 --> 00:04:31,370
He just has trouble
expressing his emotions.
112
00:04:31,372 --> 00:04:33,205
I love Mike & Molly!
113
00:04:33,207 --> 00:04:35,874
I love Mike
and I also love Molly!
114
00:04:35,876 --> 00:04:37,976
And I don't care
who knows it!
115
00:04:37,978 --> 00:04:40,279
You know, Chris,
you've got a grandpa
116
00:04:40,281 --> 00:04:42,047
who could use
your help right now.
117
00:04:42,049 --> 00:04:44,616
I'm sure he'd enjoy
spending time with you.
118
00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:46,852
Okay... I'll give
it a shot.
119
00:04:49,422 --> 00:04:50,956
You're not gonna
kill yourself, are you?
120
00:04:50,958 --> 00:04:53,725
That would be a severe black
mark on my record as a mom.
121
00:04:53,727 --> 00:04:56,928
Oh, I'd have to make up stories
of a severe mental illness.
122
00:04:56,930 --> 00:04:59,731
Make is seem a miracle
you made it this long.
123
00:04:59,733 --> 00:05:02,167
I could do that.
124
00:05:05,838 --> 00:05:07,673
Sucks about your leg, Grandpa.
125
00:05:07,675 --> 00:05:09,074
How you been doin'?
126
00:05:09,076 --> 00:05:10,976
Well, let me tell you,
this is awful.
127
00:05:10,978 --> 00:05:12,344
I-I'm so bored.
128
00:05:12,346 --> 00:05:14,479
I can't sleep,
I-I just have to lie here
129
00:05:14,481 --> 00:05:16,315
and wait for my
stupid leg to heal.
130
00:05:16,317 --> 00:05:18,150
Oh, I'm really
sorry, Grandpa.
131
00:05:18,152 --> 00:05:20,452
And the worst part about it,
is I can't have sex.
132
00:05:20,454 --> 00:05:23,288
God! I wish there was a way
I could just do it myself.
133
00:05:23,290 --> 00:05:26,258
You know, just-just to be done
and napping within four minutes.
134
00:05:26,260 --> 00:05:29,528
Let me show you something.
135
00:05:29,530 --> 00:05:33,465
That... was... amazing!
136
00:05:33,467 --> 00:05:35,534
And Lynda Carter
wasn't actually here?
137
00:05:35,536 --> 00:05:37,536
No! That was just
in your mind.
138
00:05:37,538 --> 00:05:38,704
Incredible!
139
00:05:38,706 --> 00:05:39,838
So-So you can do that like,
140
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,373
wh-what, once a year
or something?
141
00:05:41,375 --> 00:05:42,974
No. You can do it basically
142
00:05:42,976 --> 00:05:44,776
whenever you're not
doing something else.
143
00:05:44,778 --> 00:05:45,977
Cool!
144
00:05:45,979 --> 00:05:48,213
Hey, next time I want to
try it with my hand.
145
00:05:49,949 --> 00:05:52,718
Hey, Grandpa.
What should we do now?
146
00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:54,119
You wanna order a pizza?
147
00:05:54,121 --> 00:05:55,687
Well, that doesn't sound
very exciting.
148
00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:58,890
But now you can
follow your order online!
149
00:05:59,993 --> 00:06:01,193
There it is.
It's on Van Buren!
150
00:06:01,195 --> 00:06:02,394
Oh. Oh. He's almost here!
151
00:06:02,396 --> 00:06:05,364
Wow, he's really fast.
Hey, I got an idea,
152
00:06:05,366 --> 00:06:07,699
let's put in two different
orders and have 'em race!
153
00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:09,901
You think it'll
crash the system?
154
00:06:09,903 --> 00:06:11,870
Only one way to find out.
155
00:06:12,905 --> 00:06:14,906
Here's your pizza.
That's $16.50.
156
00:06:14,908 --> 00:06:16,641
We were playing
a game with you.
157
00:06:16,643 --> 00:06:18,377
That's what you are.
You're a clown.
158
00:06:18,379 --> 00:06:19,911
Are you gonna
pay for the pizza?
159
00:06:19,913 --> 00:06:22,381
Yes. Your money is in
this pile of mashed potatoes.
160
00:06:22,383 --> 00:06:25,183
Eat your way out. No hands.
161
00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:29,721
This is fun, Chris.
I like hanging out with you.
162
00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:31,757
Don't look up.
You're not a part of this.
163
00:06:35,728 --> 00:06:37,996
It's sounding really
good, Grandpa.
164
00:06:37,998 --> 00:06:39,264
I know, I know.
165
00:06:39,266 --> 00:06:40,432
Sorry I'm late.
166
00:06:40,434 --> 00:06:42,267
Look, Jason, are you
taking this seriously?
167
00:06:42,269 --> 00:06:44,069
Because Chris and I
take this seriously.
168
00:06:44,071 --> 00:06:46,204
You know, if you're not
gonna show up to rehearsal,
169
00:06:46,206 --> 00:06:48,039
we'll find someone else
who will, all right?
170
00:06:48,041 --> 00:06:50,842
We want to get some paying gigs!
Sorry. Geez.
171
00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:54,346
Remember, this is about writing
music that means something to us!
172
00:06:54,348 --> 00:06:57,182
Okay, from the top.
173
00:06:57,184 --> 00:06:59,184
Halls Mentho-lyptus
174
00:06:59,186 --> 00:07:01,386
You can feel it
in your nose
175
00:07:01,388 --> 00:07:04,222
That's how you know
it's a medicated cough drop
176
00:07:04,224 --> 00:07:06,358
And not just a candy.
177
00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:08,460
Hey, can we play
one of my songs?
178
00:07:08,462 --> 00:07:11,463
No! No one wants to hear
your stupid songs about nothing!
179
00:07:11,465 --> 00:07:15,634
Now, let's play "I Fell in the Shower,
So Maybe We Do Need That Bar."
180
00:07:15,636 --> 00:07:17,369
Five, six,
seven, eight!
181
00:07:20,606 --> 00:07:22,374
Listen, Chris, I really
want to thank you
182
00:07:22,376 --> 00:07:25,210
for coming to take care of me
and helping me get well again.
183
00:07:25,212 --> 00:07:27,479
Oh, it was no big deal.
Well, it is to me,
184
00:07:27,481 --> 00:07:29,948
and I want to give you some
money for all your time.
185
00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:31,783
Come on, y-you don't
have to do that.
186
00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:34,786
I just like getting to spend
time with my grandpa, you know?
187
00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:37,122
I... Wait, wait, what?
188
00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:39,157
You're... you're not
gonna take the money?
189
00:07:39,159 --> 00:07:41,059
No, I don't want
your money.
190
00:07:41,061 --> 00:07:42,961
I had fun
hanging out with you.
191
00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:44,896
Well, all right, then.
192
00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:46,665
Hey, Grandpa,
check it out.
193
00:07:46,667 --> 00:07:48,333
When I make
my elbow like this,
194
00:07:48,335 --> 00:07:50,502
it looks like
women's private parts!
195
00:07:50,504 --> 00:07:53,505
Oh, Chris!
You just have a way of looking at things
196
00:07:53,507 --> 00:07:55,674
that's delightfully fresh!
197
00:08:00,113 --> 00:08:01,947
We're not supposed
to be doing this.
198
00:08:01,949 --> 00:08:04,249
I bet we're not supposed
to be doing this.
199
00:08:05,418 --> 00:08:07,486
Daddy!
You're all better!
200
00:08:07,488 --> 00:08:10,255
That's right, pumpkin.
And I have an important announcement to make.
201
00:08:10,257 --> 00:08:12,824
I have decided
to change my will,
202
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:14,826
and name
my grandson Chris
203
00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:17,362
the sole heir
to the Pewterschmidt fortune.
204
00:08:17,364 --> 00:08:18,797
You what?
What? Oh, my!
205
00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:23,435
Oh, no!
My hairless twin got out!
206
00:08:27,473 --> 00:08:28,773
Hello, family.
207
00:08:28,775 --> 00:08:31,843
Let's eat all
the garbage we want.
208
00:08:37,817 --> 00:08:41,052
Daddy, you're seriously leaving
your entire estate to Chris?
209
00:08:41,054 --> 00:08:43,054
I-I mean,
what about Mom?
210
00:08:43,056 --> 00:08:45,790
I promise she'll be dead
before I am. I promise.
211
00:08:45,792 --> 00:08:47,893
But, Grandpa, I don't
even want the money.
212
00:08:47,895 --> 00:08:50,362
See? This is exactly
why you should get it!
213
00:08:50,364 --> 00:08:51,530
So refreshing!
214
00:08:51,532 --> 00:08:53,231
Well, I-I don't
want it, either.
215
00:08:53,233 --> 00:08:54,799
Good, 'cause
you're not getting it.
216
00:08:54,801 --> 00:08:56,301
Come on, what
are you doing?
217
00:08:56,303 --> 00:08:58,503
Listen, Carter, you take
me out of your will,
218
00:08:58,505 --> 00:09:00,572
I'm taking you
out of mine.
219
00:09:00,574 --> 00:09:03,675
Peter, that wasn't your will,
that was your birth certificate.
220
00:09:03,677 --> 00:09:04,843
Oh, no!
221
00:09:06,013 --> 00:09:07,245
There's no light!
222
00:09:07,247 --> 00:09:09,080
There's only fire!
223
00:09:09,082 --> 00:09:11,850
Look, Carter, I suppose you're
entitled to do what you want,
224
00:09:11,852 --> 00:09:14,386
but, you know, I'm just
saying, if it were me,
225
00:09:14,388 --> 00:09:16,421
I would give all the
money to charity.
226
00:09:16,423 --> 00:09:17,589
Oh, yeah?
Which charity?
227
00:09:17,591 --> 00:09:19,357
Well, there are
just so many
228
00:09:19,359 --> 00:09:20,859
that do such
great work.
229
00:09:20,861 --> 00:09:22,160
Name just one.
230
00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:23,862
Um... well,
you know...
231
00:09:23,864 --> 00:09:26,531
Poor... Green...
232
00:09:26,533 --> 00:09:28,233
Whale... Guns...
233
00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:29,568
Books?
234
00:09:29,570 --> 00:09:31,603
You are
such a fraud.
235
00:09:31,605 --> 00:09:34,973
Why won't anyone help us?!
236
00:09:39,345 --> 00:09:41,446
What the hell?
I can't believe your dad's
237
00:09:41,448 --> 00:09:43,014
giving all his cash
to Chris!
238
00:09:43,016 --> 00:09:45,584
I know it's strange,
but in the end it's his money,
239
00:09:45,586 --> 00:09:47,218
so who really cares?
240
00:09:47,220 --> 00:09:48,920
Well, yeah, but...
241
00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:50,455
But what?
242
00:09:50,457 --> 00:09:53,458
Peter... did you marry
me for my money?
243
00:09:53,460 --> 00:09:55,794
Of course not, Lois,
but even you can't deny
244
00:09:55,796 --> 00:09:58,029
it was always gonna
be a huge perk.
245
00:09:58,031 --> 00:10:01,199
D-Did I use that right?
Perk? Yes, Peter.
246
00:10:01,201 --> 00:10:04,402
Yeah, I thought so, but then it just
sounded kind of weird when I said it.
247
00:10:04,404 --> 00:10:05,804
It was fine.
Thanks.
248
00:10:05,806 --> 00:10:08,540
Anyway, I don't plan on losing
out on any of that money.
249
00:10:08,542 --> 00:10:11,776
So if you ask me, we got to start
sucking up to Chris right away.
250
00:10:11,778 --> 00:10:13,812
What? Wh-What are
you talking about?
251
00:10:13,814 --> 00:10:15,647
I'm talking about
brownnosing Chris
252
00:10:15,649 --> 00:10:17,582
and getting on
his good side perk.
253
00:10:17,584 --> 00:10:19,384
No, that's wrong.
No "perk."
254
00:10:19,386 --> 00:10:22,420
Okay, my bad.
But I've been counting on that money, Lois.
255
00:10:22,422 --> 00:10:24,789
It's always been critical
to my master plan.
256
00:10:24,791 --> 00:10:26,291
What master plan?
257
00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:28,426
Look, I never
told you this, but...
258
00:10:28,428 --> 00:10:31,896
for years now, I've been
planning on retiring at 45
259
00:10:31,898 --> 00:10:35,367
so I can work on finding a
cure for Ballzheimers disease.
260
00:10:36,268 --> 00:10:37,802
Peter, are
those testicles?
261
00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:39,471
Wh-where did
you get those?
262
00:10:39,473 --> 00:10:42,007
I don't remember!
263
00:10:45,411 --> 00:10:47,979
Hey, hey, there he is!
264
00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:50,815
Oh, boy, hot dogs and
Nintendo, huh, Chris?
265
00:10:50,817 --> 00:10:53,018
Dad, what are you doing?
What's going on?
266
00:10:54,187 --> 00:10:55,353
Good one, Chris!
267
00:10:56,523 --> 00:10:58,289
Good one!
Why are you dressed like that?
268
00:10:58,291 --> 00:10:59,958
I don't know. I-I
just kind of felt
269
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:01,359
like this is what
cool people wear.
270
00:11:01,361 --> 00:11:04,095
Hey, hey, Chris, how about you
and me do a secret handshake
271
00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:06,164
that has way too many steps
to remember, all right?
272
00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:08,867
Okay. Shake, bump, bump,
slap, pinky hook,
273
00:11:08,869 --> 00:11:11,536
pretend to slick your hair back,
represent, bump,
274
00:11:11,538 --> 00:11:13,638
one spin, slap high, slap low,
275
00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:16,107
reverse spin, bump, explode,
shake, belly rub,
276
00:11:16,109 --> 00:11:18,610
fake yawn, finger gun,
hitchhiker, hitchhiker,
277
00:11:18,612 --> 00:11:20,779
shimmy shimmy sham sham,
shake, shake, shake, bump,
278
00:11:20,781 --> 00:11:22,347
something smells
and shake again.
279
00:11:22,349 --> 00:11:24,849
Okay, ready?
280
00:11:25,785 --> 00:11:27,852
Oh, my God, it's nighttime.
281
00:11:30,189 --> 00:11:33,658
MAN We now return to the director's
cut of Mission: Impossible 5,
282
00:11:33,660 --> 00:11:36,227
with the step stools
not edited out.
283
00:11:36,229 --> 00:11:38,697
You're coming with me because
I'm definitely over six feet,
284
00:11:38,699 --> 00:11:40,298
and you're not handsome.
285
00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:41,900
Hey, Chris, hey,
you remember that kid
286
00:11:41,902 --> 00:11:43,568
you said was bullying
you at school?
287
00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:44,903
Well, here's his head!
288
00:11:46,006 --> 00:11:47,172
That's not even him!
289
00:11:47,174 --> 00:11:48,707
That's the deaf kid!
290
00:11:48,709 --> 00:11:50,675
Oh, that was
sign language.
291
00:11:50,677 --> 00:11:52,744
I thought he was
trying to defend himself
292
00:11:52,746 --> 00:11:54,646
with terrible karate.
293
00:11:56,649 --> 00:12:00,685
Chris, I want to share with you
a timeworn father/son tradition.
294
00:12:00,687 --> 00:12:02,654
I am gonna show you
a film comedy
295
00:12:02,656 --> 00:12:04,823
from my youth
that won't hold up.
296
00:12:04,825 --> 00:12:07,358
Welcome to the classic comedy,
Meatballs.
297
00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:08,827
Oh, that sounds great.
298
00:12:08,829 --> 00:12:10,762
Is it about a pasta
factory or something?
299
00:12:10,764 --> 00:12:12,197
No, that's part of the joke.
300
00:12:12,199 --> 00:12:13,565
Who's the guy?
301
00:12:13,567 --> 00:12:15,500
That's not a guy.
That's the hot chick!
302
00:12:15,502 --> 00:12:16,835
Where are her boobs?
303
00:12:16,837 --> 00:12:18,703
Flat with a decent face
was the best
304
00:12:18,705 --> 00:12:19,904
we could hope for back then.
305
00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:22,340
Miley Cyrus had sex
with a foam finger
306
00:12:22,342 --> 00:12:24,342
at, like, 6:00 p.m.
Central Time.
307
00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:26,511
This movie has a canoe
that slowly sinks.
308
00:12:26,513 --> 00:12:28,346
All right, you know what?
Forget it!
309
00:12:28,348 --> 00:12:31,249
I'm just gonna take my VCR,
my VCR head-cleaning tape,
310
00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:34,185
my VCR head-cleaning spray,
my head-cleaning rag,
311
00:12:34,187 --> 00:12:37,155
and my rewinder, and just
get the hell out of here.
312
00:12:41,260 --> 00:12:43,595
MAN
We now return to At the Movies
313
00:12:43,597 --> 00:12:46,197
With Two Guys Who Watch
the Films On Their iPhones.
314
00:12:46,199 --> 00:12:47,699
Good evening.
First off, we're going
315
00:12:47,701 --> 00:12:49,400
to review Paul Greengrass'
Captain Phillips.
316
00:12:49,402 --> 00:12:51,035
What did you think, Bill?
317
00:12:51,037 --> 00:12:52,604
Well, it got off
to a great start,
318
00:12:52,606 --> 00:12:54,906
but when it was my turn
to play Words With Friends,
319
00:12:54,908 --> 00:12:56,241
it really took
me out of it.
320
00:12:56,243 --> 00:12:57,776
Well, that's a shame,
because visually...
321
00:12:57,778 --> 00:13:00,111
Ooh!
322
00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:03,815
When we come back, the guys
will review American Hustle.
323
00:13:03,817 --> 00:13:05,316
Hmm?
324
00:13:05,318 --> 00:13:07,085
Hey, you guys.
325
00:13:07,087 --> 00:13:08,586
Geez, Peter,
you look exhausted.
326
00:13:08,588 --> 00:13:10,655
Ugh, I am. I've
been busting my ass
327
00:13:10,657 --> 00:13:13,124
for the last week trying
to suck up to Chris.
328
00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:14,726
To Chris?
What the hell for?
329
00:13:14,728 --> 00:13:15,994
Well, Carter
kind of decided
330
00:13:15,996 --> 00:13:17,896
he's gonna leave all
his money to Chris.
331
00:13:17,898 --> 00:13:19,964
So, I've been trying to
get on his good side.
332
00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:22,100
I even cleaned his room
for him the other day.
333
00:13:22,102 --> 00:13:23,701
Wish I hadn't done that.
334
00:13:24,603 --> 00:13:27,005
Chris, our
bath is ready.
335
00:13:27,007 --> 00:13:28,940
I... uh...
336
00:13:28,942 --> 00:13:30,975
I don't... I don't know
what to do now.
337
00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:33,178
I... I don't have
the parenting skills necessary
338
00:13:33,180 --> 00:13:34,412
to deal with this.
339
00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:36,314
I say we never
speak of this again.
340
00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:38,650
I... I might move.
341
00:13:38,652 --> 00:13:40,585
You know what?
I say, good for Chris
342
00:13:40,587 --> 00:13:42,954
and whatever lucky girl
he ends up marrying.
343
00:13:42,956 --> 00:13:45,423
Yeah, or lucky guy,
if he ends up being gay.
344
00:13:45,425 --> 00:13:46,958
Lucky guy?
345
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,526
Wait a minute.
346
00:13:48,528 --> 00:13:50,695
You guys just gave me an idea!
347
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,633
What's he doing up there?
He's a cat!
348
00:13:55,635 --> 00:13:58,703
He can't play no tuba!
349
00:13:58,705 --> 00:14:00,004
No, wait!
350
00:14:00,006 --> 00:14:02,440
Actually, you guys
gave me two ideas!
351
00:14:03,777 --> 00:14:08,012
Mumbling while I sleep
to indicate dream content.
352
00:14:08,014 --> 00:14:09,380
Chris, Chris, wake up.
353
00:14:09,382 --> 00:14:11,449
I have something very
important to ask you.
354
00:14:11,451 --> 00:14:14,652
Chris, there comes a time when
every man looks at his son
355
00:14:14,654 --> 00:14:18,790
and thinks, "I want to take
this to the next level."
356
00:14:20,793 --> 00:14:24,362
Chris Griffin...
will you marry me?
357
00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:27,732
What?! Is it even legal
for a man to marry his son?
358
00:14:27,734 --> 00:14:29,133
It is in Vermont.
359
00:14:29,135 --> 00:14:31,336
As long as it's a man and a
man, anything goes up there.
360
00:14:31,338 --> 00:14:33,137
They're a bunch of
liberal degenerates.
361
00:14:33,139 --> 00:14:35,039
I don't know.
It seems really weird.
362
00:14:35,041 --> 00:14:37,408
I mean, aren't men
supposed to marry women?
363
00:14:37,410 --> 00:14:40,011
No, no, no, that's just
all of human history
364
00:14:40,013 --> 00:14:41,646
except for the
last five months.
365
00:14:41,648 --> 00:14:43,147
We'll just be
like best pals.
366
00:14:43,149 --> 00:14:44,849
And besides, there's
plenty of people
367
00:14:44,851 --> 00:14:46,417
who are married
and don't have sex.
368
00:14:46,419 --> 00:14:48,186
Like Will Smith
and that pit bull.
369
00:14:48,188 --> 00:14:49,988
Why do you even
want to marry me?
370
00:14:49,990 --> 00:14:52,357
It's time to settle down
and simplify things,
371
00:14:52,359 --> 00:14:55,226
like maybe having one ATM
card and one bank account.
372
00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:56,694
Say, yours.
373
00:14:56,696 --> 00:14:59,597
Oh. I get it.
374
00:14:59,599 --> 00:15:01,399
So, what do you say?
375
00:15:02,835 --> 00:15:05,670
When you're married, you get
to spend all your time together,
376
00:15:05,672 --> 00:15:08,439
doing things like playing catch
and going fishing, right?
377
00:15:08,441 --> 00:15:10,341
Well, the best marriages
give each other space,
378
00:15:10,343 --> 00:15:11,676
but, yes, Chris.
379
00:15:11,678 --> 00:15:14,345
Then, yes, I will
marry you, Dad!
380
00:15:14,347 --> 00:15:16,781
Oh, that's
wonderful news!
381
00:15:16,783 --> 00:15:19,183
You should know this
ring is very special.
382
00:15:19,185 --> 00:15:21,052
It used to belong
to your mother.
383
00:15:21,054 --> 00:15:23,054
Wait. What about Mom?
384
00:15:23,056 --> 00:15:24,923
I'm afraid that's
over, Chris.
385
00:15:24,925 --> 00:15:26,257
Lois, wake up.
386
00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:28,226
I need you to sign
this legal document.
387
00:15:28,228 --> 00:15:30,261
Huh? Wha-What is this?
388
00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:32,363
It's a petition
to force that hot mom
389
00:15:32,365 --> 00:15:34,399
to wear something appropriate
at PTA meetings.
390
00:15:34,401 --> 00:15:36,534
Oh, thank God.
391
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:48,746
No, Dad.
392
00:15:48,748 --> 00:15:51,215
I don't know
what normal is anymore.
393
00:16:01,894 --> 00:16:04,629
So now you know my complete
sexual history, Chris.
394
00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:08,466
Wow. I'm surprised you got
fooled by a bear in a wig.
395
00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:10,501
It wasn't a wig,
it was a hair system.
396
00:16:10,503 --> 00:16:11,970
Well, whatever.
397
00:16:11,972 --> 00:16:13,805
Why do we have
all these appointments?
398
00:16:13,807 --> 00:16:15,740
Wedding DJ, florist.
399
00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:18,509
Because, Chris, it takes time
to plan a perfect wedding.
400
00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:20,178
You don't want
to jump the gun.
401
00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:22,680
You know, like when you
respond to a text too quickly.
402
00:16:36,328 --> 00:16:38,663
So, should we get started
with your bridal registry?
403
00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:40,531
Yeah, um, I'd like
to furnish my kitchen
404
00:16:40,533 --> 00:16:42,767
as if I'm the greatest
chef in the world,
405
00:16:42,769 --> 00:16:44,202
even though I've
never cooked before.
406
00:16:44,204 --> 00:16:45,703
That's what we do!
Okay, great.
407
00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:47,538
All right, we'll start
with the nine grand
408
00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:49,941
in copper-bottom
cookware.
409
00:16:54,380 --> 00:16:56,714
Holy wack-a-zoly!
410
00:16:56,716 --> 00:16:57,982
Dad!
What?
411
00:16:57,984 --> 00:17:00,318
Don't "what" me.
You know what you did.
412
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:03,688
Hey, I may be your husband and
your dad, but I'm still a man.
413
00:17:06,825 --> 00:17:09,327
Yeah, we're looking to plan our
post-wedding Sunday breakfast.
414
00:17:09,329 --> 00:17:10,995
You know,
when everyone's sick of us.
415
00:17:10,997 --> 00:17:12,196
Of course.
416
00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:14,332
Excellent. Do you have
a table for the couple
417
00:17:14,334 --> 00:17:16,667
that barely made it through
the weekend without breaking up?
418
00:17:16,669 --> 00:17:18,503
Absolutely. Can I put
them near the couple
419
00:17:18,505 --> 00:17:20,571
that hooked up drunk and now
have to make awkward small talk
420
00:17:20,573 --> 00:17:22,340
until their cab to
the airport arrives?
421
00:17:22,342 --> 00:17:23,574
Sure. And maybe
they could go next
422
00:17:23,576 --> 00:17:25,076
to the vastly-underdressed
cousin
423
00:17:25,078 --> 00:17:27,078
who thinks
the world revolves around him?
424
00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:28,513
I have just the spot.
425
00:17:28,515 --> 00:17:29,747
Will there be a
physically-frail,
426
00:17:29,749 --> 00:17:30,915
fall-down uncle?
427
00:17:30,917 --> 00:17:32,817
Indeed. And we'd like
to have him walk
428
00:17:32,819 --> 00:17:34,185
through a maze
of chair legs.
429
00:17:34,187 --> 00:17:35,586
Anything else?
Yes.
430
00:17:35,588 --> 00:17:37,021
We did invite
a black couple.
431
00:17:37,023 --> 00:17:39,257
Um, even though we only met them
three months ago,
432
00:17:39,259 --> 00:17:41,325
but we would like them
to be prominently featured
433
00:17:41,327 --> 00:17:44,328
to let the other guests know how
tolerant and wonderful we are.
434
00:17:48,267 --> 00:17:50,234
I'm excited for
your first dance.
435
00:17:50,236 --> 00:17:51,936
And now we're
ready to add music.
436
00:17:51,938 --> 00:17:53,104
What's your song?
437
00:17:53,106 --> 00:17:55,039
You know, I've given it
a lot of thought,
438
00:17:55,041 --> 00:17:57,208
and I went with the most
romantic song ever,
439
00:17:57,210 --> 00:18:00,611
"Stars And Stripes Forever"
by John Philip Sousa.
440
00:18:01,881 --> 00:18:03,047
March! March!
March! March!
441
00:18:03,049 --> 00:18:04,849
Can you feel the
soldiers, Chris?
442
00:18:04,851 --> 00:18:06,284
So many have fallen.
443
00:18:06,286 --> 00:18:07,885
And this is why
they were fighting.
444
00:18:07,887 --> 00:18:09,787
For a man to marry his son
445
00:18:09,789 --> 00:18:11,222
in a state with
enough trees around
446
00:18:11,224 --> 00:18:13,357
that nobody can
see what's going on.
447
00:18:19,465 --> 00:18:21,566
It was nice of the
guests at the cat funeral
448
00:18:21,568 --> 00:18:23,034
to stay for our wedding.
449
00:18:23,036 --> 00:18:24,702
Yeah, and I bet
you're especially happy
450
00:18:24,704 --> 00:18:26,404
we're getting married
on a Thursday.
451
00:18:26,406 --> 00:18:28,272
School, yuck, right?!
452
00:18:28,274 --> 00:18:30,374
Welcome, friends, loved ones,
453
00:18:30,376 --> 00:18:33,044
and people who are waiting
for the 3:00 check-in time
454
00:18:33,046 --> 00:18:34,412
with nothing better to do.
455
00:18:34,414 --> 00:18:36,080
Just let us put
our bags in there.
456
00:18:36,082 --> 00:18:38,416
I'm literally gonna
grab my shorts and leave.
457
00:18:38,418 --> 00:18:42,386
I understand the two of you
have written your own vows?
458
00:18:42,388 --> 00:18:44,155
Chris, to express my love,
459
00:18:44,157 --> 00:18:47,325
I turn to the words of the only
poet that blue collar,
460
00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:50,962
New England scumbags
like me know: Robert Frost.
461
00:18:50,964 --> 00:18:53,798
"Two roads diverged
in a wood, and I...
462
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:56,434
I took the one less traveled."
463
00:18:56,436 --> 00:18:58,970
Now, I ain't no scholar,
but if that's not a metaphor
464
00:18:58,972 --> 00:19:01,339
for major-league butt stuff,
I don't know what is.
465
00:19:01,341 --> 00:19:03,107
Thank you. Chris?
466
00:19:03,109 --> 00:19:04,909
Stop the wedding!
467
00:19:06,111 --> 00:19:08,446
Lois! How did you
find out about this?
468
00:19:08,448 --> 00:19:10,281
Peter, several people
have called the police
469
00:19:10,283 --> 00:19:11,616
about a man marrying his son.
470
00:19:11,618 --> 00:19:13,151
It's not normal!
471
00:19:13,153 --> 00:19:15,586
Peter? Peter
Griffin?
472
00:19:15,588 --> 00:19:17,588
Oh, God.
473
00:19:17,590 --> 00:19:19,290
Is everyone
from your past here
474
00:19:19,292 --> 00:19:21,025
to walk you down
the aisle?!
475
00:19:21,027 --> 00:19:22,493
Peter, you
cannot do this!
476
00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:24,362
You cannot
marry your son!
477
00:19:24,364 --> 00:19:26,464
I don't care how much
money Daddy's left him.
478
00:19:26,466 --> 00:19:27,965
Don't listen
to your mother, Chris.
479
00:19:27,967 --> 00:19:29,634
It's 'cause of her
we have bedtimes!
480
00:19:29,636 --> 00:19:31,502
Chris, come on,
we're going home!
481
00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:33,437
He can't make
you do this.
482
00:19:33,439 --> 00:19:35,373
But, Mom,
I wantto do this.
483
00:19:35,375 --> 00:19:36,774
What?
484
00:19:36,776 --> 00:19:40,311
I know he's marrying me
for my money, but I don't care.
485
00:19:40,313 --> 00:19:43,181
Dad and I spent more time
together planning this wedding
486
00:19:43,183 --> 00:19:44,715
than we ever have before.
487
00:19:44,717 --> 00:19:46,284
And if being married means
488
00:19:46,286 --> 00:19:50,454
I get to spend even more time
with my dad, then it's worth it.
489
00:19:50,456 --> 00:19:54,825
Wait. You knew all along I
just wanted you for your money?
490
00:19:54,827 --> 00:19:57,161
Yeah, Dad, I did.
491
00:19:57,163 --> 00:19:59,530
Wow.
492
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:01,966
Oh, boy, I've
been a real jerk.
493
00:20:01,968 --> 00:20:03,367
I'm sorry, Chris.
494
00:20:03,369 --> 00:20:05,002
But you know what?
495
00:20:05,004 --> 00:20:07,572
I'm gonna make it up to
you, starting right now.
496
00:20:07,574 --> 00:20:10,841
Chris Griffin...
will you be my son?
497
00:20:10,843 --> 00:20:13,010
Yes, Dad.
498
00:20:13,012 --> 00:20:17,348
OMG, the photographer is,
like, obsessed with me.
499
00:20:17,350 --> 00:20:19,917
Well, let's all go home,
you guys.
500
00:20:19,919 --> 00:20:22,153
I think we've had enough
excitement for one day.
501
00:20:22,155 --> 00:20:24,088
Yeah, and
I guess I learned
502
00:20:24,090 --> 00:20:25,923
it's wrong to take
your son to Vermont
503
00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:27,225
under false
pretenses
504
00:20:27,227 --> 00:20:29,260
to try to marry him
for his inheritance.
505
00:20:29,262 --> 00:20:30,494
You... you should've
known that.
506
00:20:30,496 --> 00:20:32,363
Well, we should
probably get going.
507
00:20:32,365 --> 00:20:34,765
I think this
adventure is over.
508
00:20:34,767 --> 00:20:37,702
Interestingly, however,
I did run into Chris again.
509
00:20:37,704 --> 00:20:39,870
It was on the Upper West
Side of Manhattan.
510
00:20:39,872 --> 00:20:41,772
He was with another dad.
I was with another son.
511
00:20:41,774 --> 00:20:45,009
But it was nice reminiscing
about old times.
512
00:20:45,011 --> 00:20:46,344
For you kids watching,
513
00:20:46,346 --> 00:20:47,545
this is a reference
to a Woody Allen movie.
514
00:20:47,547 --> 00:20:49,680
He also married one
of his children.38718
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