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1
00:00:01,935 --> 00:00:04,870
It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:04,872 --> 00:00:08,107
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,109 --> 00:00:11,777
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,779 --> 00:00:14,780
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,782 --> 00:00:18,217
Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:21,653
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
7
00:00:21,655 --> 00:00:23,155
All the things that make us
8
00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:24,623
Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,625 --> 00:00:31,263
He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
10
00:00:38,705 --> 00:00:40,839
All right, who's ready
for a little tailgating?
11
00:00:40,841 --> 00:00:43,208
Hey, Brian,
toss me a cold one!
12
00:00:44,310 --> 00:00:46,879
Ah. Nothing better
than a 7:00 a.m. beer
13
00:00:46,881 --> 00:00:48,347
in an unbrushed mouth.
14
00:00:48,349 --> 00:00:50,349
Peter, I don't want
you drinking too much.
15
00:00:50,351 --> 00:00:51,650
You're driving
us all home.
16
00:00:51,652 --> 00:00:53,852
Lois, I know
how many beers I can drink
17
00:00:53,854 --> 00:00:55,320
and still be able to drive.
18
00:00:55,322 --> 00:00:56,388
I figured it out.
19
00:01:05,398 --> 00:01:07,800
Seven.
20
00:01:08,601 --> 00:01:10,469
Six.
21
00:01:13,106 --> 00:01:16,275
Hey, Cleveland,
what are you doing back in town?
22
00:01:16,277 --> 00:01:18,444
Just back up here
for my monthly haircut.
23
00:01:18,446 --> 00:01:21,613
When a black man finds
a barber, it's for life.
24
00:01:21,615 --> 00:01:24,349
Oh, my God, there's the CEO
of my company!
25
00:01:24,351 --> 00:01:25,918
Now's my chance
to impress him.
26
00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:27,386
Hey, Mr. Carlisle!
27
00:01:27,388 --> 00:01:28,954
Check this out.
28
00:01:31,291 --> 00:01:32,925
That's what I can do
for the company.
29
00:01:32,927 --> 00:01:34,460
Really?
30
00:01:34,462 --> 00:01:36,762
Can you do other
things for the company?
31
00:01:36,764 --> 00:01:39,298
No! No! No! I don't want
to be promoted that way!
32
00:01:39,300 --> 00:01:40,466
I want to be promoted
33
00:01:40,468 --> 00:01:42,501
the shooting-hawks
with-a-crossbow way.
34
00:01:43,369 --> 00:01:45,771
"The NFL Experience."
35
00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:47,106
That sounds cool.
36
00:01:47,108 --> 00:01:48,540
Kid, you're the best.
37
00:01:48,542 --> 00:01:50,275
Sign with me, and you're
gonna make millions.
38
00:01:50,277 --> 00:01:51,543
Griffin, get out there!
39
00:01:51,545 --> 00:01:52,878
Ow!
It's his knee.
40
00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:53,979
Doc?!
41
00:01:53,981 --> 00:01:55,280
You'll never
play football again.
42
00:01:55,282 --> 00:01:56,482
Too bad, kid.
43
00:01:56,484 --> 00:01:58,317
You was gonna
buy me a house!
44
00:01:58,319 --> 00:01:59,952
Now I have headaches.
45
00:01:59,954 --> 00:02:02,354
I'm gonna save my brain
for science.
46
00:02:03,623 --> 00:02:05,257
Come on, guys.
It's game time.
47
00:02:05,259 --> 00:02:06,959
Yeah!
Patriots!
48
00:02:06,961 --> 00:02:09,495
All right! This is the greatest
Sunday tradition ever.
49
00:02:09,497 --> 00:02:11,063
Except for getting
all my cutaway gags
50
00:02:11,065 --> 00:02:12,731
ready for the week.
51
00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:15,968
Okay, my Great-Uncle-wears
a-ski-hat-all-the-time Griffin
52
00:02:15,970 --> 00:02:18,003
will be followed
by Nick Nolte's handkerchief,
53
00:02:18,005 --> 00:02:20,305
followed by Japanese Abe
Lincoln, and then monkey rabbi.
54
00:02:20,307 --> 00:02:22,741
Hey, where's the monkey rabbi?
55
00:02:22,743 --> 00:02:24,943
Here's your Torah.
You be here on Tuesday at 9:00.
56
00:02:24,945 --> 00:02:25,978
Check in with Shirley.
57
00:02:25,980 --> 00:02:27,412
You gonna need me
this week?
58
00:02:27,414 --> 00:02:28,780
Ah, maybe.
Maybe, Friday.
59
00:02:28,782 --> 00:02:30,349
Uh, now, where are the gays?
60
00:02:30,351 --> 00:02:32,618
Over here.
No, no, no, the really cartoony gays?
61
00:02:32,620 --> 00:02:34,253
Yoo-hoo!
62
00:02:34,255 --> 00:02:36,555
There you are. We're gonna
need you guys all week.
63
00:02:42,028 --> 00:02:43,996
Okay, Brian, so what are the rules?
What?
64
00:02:43,998 --> 00:02:45,964
Rules? What are the rules?
How do you make points?
65
00:02:45,966 --> 00:02:47,533
Oh, no.
Come on, we're here.
66
00:02:47,535 --> 00:02:49,468
Just give me
the Cliff Notes version.
67
00:02:49,470 --> 00:02:51,370
Like-like who's the guy
with the football ball?
68
00:02:51,372 --> 00:02:52,938
It's just called
a football.
69
00:02:52,940 --> 00:02:55,874
Okay, okay, shorthand lingo.
I like it. I like it.
70
00:02:55,876 --> 00:02:57,943
Now, I see some elements
of Red Rover
71
00:02:57,945 --> 00:02:59,778
with a little bit
of spud mixed in.
72
00:02:59,780 --> 00:03:02,014
And is anyone ever going
to blow a raspberry
73
00:03:02,016 --> 00:03:03,215
on the quarterback's belly?
74
00:03:03,217 --> 00:03:04,550
No, Stewie, that
never happens.
75
00:03:04,552 --> 00:03:06,151
Down goes Brady!
76
00:03:06,153 --> 00:03:08,320
And it looks like
Williams is pulling up his shirt
77
00:03:08,322 --> 00:03:10,189
and having a little fun
with his tummy!
78
00:03:10,191 --> 00:03:11,823
Look! He's doing it!
79
00:03:11,825 --> 00:03:13,659
Aw, this is my favorite part
of the game.
80
00:03:13,661 --> 00:03:15,861
When two drunk guys,
each holding a baby,
81
00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:17,196
get into a fistfight.
82
00:03:17,198 --> 00:03:18,397
You're stupid!
83
00:03:18,399 --> 00:03:20,365
No, you're stupid!
84
00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:22,201
Oh, now their wives
are getting into it.
85
00:03:22,203 --> 00:03:23,468
They're gonna put
their cigarettes
86
00:03:23,470 --> 00:03:24,703
in their mouths
and bump boobs.
87
00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:27,139
You got no class,
you bitch!
88
00:03:27,141 --> 00:03:28,907
No, ygot no class!
89
00:03:28,909 --> 00:03:31,510
And now here comes security
to kick out the wrong person.
90
00:03:31,512 --> 00:03:35,180
Come on, Miyagi,
take that karate outside!
91
00:03:36,984 --> 00:03:38,917
With a five-point lead
and only ten seconds left,
92
00:03:38,919 --> 00:03:41,820
all the Patriots have to do
is kneel down with the ball,
93
00:03:41,822 --> 00:03:44,856
and the game is...
Oh, my God, it's a fumble!
94
00:03:44,858 --> 00:03:46,525
It's picked up by the Bills,
95
00:03:46,527 --> 00:03:48,760
and they're gonna score
the game-winning touchdown!
96
00:03:50,030 --> 00:03:51,196
Oh, come on!
97
00:03:51,198 --> 00:03:53,065
My God,
ten losses in a row?!
98
00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:55,167
This whole season's been
one long bad dream.
99
00:03:55,169 --> 00:03:57,536
Yeah, like that one
where I walk into the bank,
100
00:03:57,538 --> 00:03:59,238
and I ain't got
no clothes on.
101
00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:01,240
Sir, what are you doing?
You have no clothes on.
102
00:04:01,242 --> 00:04:03,875
Ah, must be having one
of those dreams again.
103
00:04:03,877 --> 00:04:05,544
Better wake myself up.
104
00:04:05,546 --> 00:04:07,379
Oh, thank God.
105
00:04:07,381 --> 00:04:10,749
Well, time to apply for
this small business loan.
106
00:04:14,420 --> 00:04:17,055
We now return to Turner
Classic Movies' presentation
107
00:04:17,057 --> 00:04:21,093
of John Wayne's final Western,
Big Bill Doyle.
108
00:04:24,631 --> 00:04:27,599
Big Bill, two men got off
the 2:40 from Amarillo.
109
00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:29,534
Saddle my horse.
110
00:04:29,536 --> 00:04:32,537
John Wayne only ate beef
and coffee for every meal,
111
00:04:32,539 --> 00:04:34,873
so the director had to shoot
around the fact
112
00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:36,908
that he was on the toilet
all the time.
113
00:04:36,910 --> 00:04:38,243
Yee-hoo!
Yee-hoo!
114
00:04:38,245 --> 00:04:40,412
Reach for the sky, pilgrims.
115
00:04:42,049 --> 00:04:43,582
Big Bill Doyle!
116
00:04:43,584 --> 00:04:44,716
That's right.
117
00:04:44,718 --> 00:04:47,586
And I just made
a Big Bill coil.
118
00:04:47,588 --> 00:04:48,987
Damn it,
I'm so angry
119
00:04:48,989 --> 00:04:50,455
the stupid
Pats lost.
120
00:04:50,457 --> 00:04:51,623
And to Buffalo!
121
00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:53,158
Buffalo's got
everything.
122
00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:54,926
They don't need
a win like this.
123
00:04:54,928 --> 00:04:56,828
You know, I am gonna
channel this anger
124
00:04:56,830 --> 00:04:58,230
into something useful.
125
00:04:58,232 --> 00:05:00,399
Like trying to get sand
out of my backpack.
126
00:05:03,504 --> 00:05:06,171
It's been four years
since I went to the beach!
127
00:05:06,173 --> 00:05:07,606
Try turning it
inside out.
128
00:05:07,608 --> 00:05:08,807
Don't you think
I tried that?!
129
00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:10,575
That's the first
thing I did!
130
00:05:10,577 --> 00:05:13,512
We now return
to the Fox NFL Post-Game Show.
131
00:05:13,514 --> 00:05:15,147
I'm here with
C.J. Spiller.
132
00:05:15,149 --> 00:05:17,482
C.J., you ran for
200 yards today.
133
00:05:17,484 --> 00:05:20,118
How did you manage that
against the Patriots' defense?
134
00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:22,120
Well, we just gelled
as a team today,
135
00:05:22,122 --> 00:05:24,323
and was fortunate
to come away with the win.
136
00:05:24,325 --> 00:05:26,258
All thanks
and praise goes to God.
137
00:05:26,260 --> 00:05:28,126
He really won
this one for us.
138
00:05:28,128 --> 00:05:30,429
Mario Williams, you scored
the winning touchdown.
139
00:05:30,431 --> 00:05:32,364
How does it feel
to beat the Patriots?
140
00:05:32,366 --> 00:05:35,100
I'd like to thank God
and a jury of my peers,
141
00:05:35,102 --> 00:05:37,969
who are both responsible for
me being able to play today.
142
00:05:37,971 --> 00:05:39,938
What the hell?!
This is such bull crap!
143
00:05:39,940 --> 00:05:42,040
Well, what are you talking about?
Isn't it obvious?
144
00:05:42,042 --> 00:05:43,041
God hates the Patriots.
145
00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:44,309
He made 'em lose again!
146
00:05:44,311 --> 00:05:45,677
Peter, uncross your legs.
147
00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:47,512
It's weird to yell
with your legs crossed.
148
00:05:47,514 --> 00:05:49,781
Come on, don't you notice that
whenever the Patriots lose,
149
00:05:49,783 --> 00:05:51,350
the other team
always thanks God?
150
00:05:51,352 --> 00:05:53,352
Huh. Peter does kind
of have a point.
151
00:05:53,354 --> 00:05:55,520
Guys, I'm tired of God
messing with football.
152
00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:57,489
We got to do something
about it!
153
00:05:57,491 --> 00:05:58,690
Like what?
154
00:05:58,692 --> 00:05:59,958
We got to find God
155
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:01,360
and tell him
to cut the crap.
156
00:06:01,362 --> 00:06:03,729
How many times
is God gonna ruin our Sunday
157
00:06:03,731 --> 00:06:05,530
with both church
and bad football?
158
00:06:05,532 --> 00:06:07,966
It's time someone told God
to stay where He belongs...
159
00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:09,668
in our schools,
160
00:06:09,670 --> 00:06:12,204
and-and telling people where
they can stick their wieners.
161
00:06:12,206 --> 00:06:13,338
Now, what do you say?
162
00:06:13,340 --> 00:06:15,040
Let's go find God!
163
00:06:15,042 --> 00:06:16,742
All right, I'm in!
Me, too!
164
00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:18,810
Let's do this!
165
00:06:18,812 --> 00:06:20,645
Whoa, whoa, Joe, Joe!
What the hell?!
166
00:06:20,647 --> 00:06:21,980
What?
167
00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:24,082
I thought, uh, "Find God"
was a code word.
168
00:06:24,084 --> 00:06:26,151
No. We meant literally
go and find him.
169
00:06:26,153 --> 00:06:29,488
Oh. Well, I already
texted Bonnie.
170
00:06:51,043 --> 00:06:54,913
Ugh. What a night.
171
00:06:56,616 --> 00:07:00,552
Whew! What... a... night.
172
00:07:00,554 --> 00:07:04,790
Ca... ray... zy.
173
00:07:06,092 --> 00:07:07,759
Uh, yes, telegram
for hungover.
174
00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:10,228
Yes, I'll-I'll sign for that,
thank you very much.
175
00:07:10,230 --> 00:07:11,897
Oh, boy.
176
00:07:11,899 --> 00:07:13,432
How was your
night, Stewie?
177
00:07:13,434 --> 00:07:15,467
Ugh! Get your own life, bro.
178
00:07:15,469 --> 00:07:17,068
Get off my sack.
179
00:07:17,070 --> 00:07:19,571
Well, Lois, the guys and
I are off to find God.
180
00:07:19,573 --> 00:07:20,972
Peter, that's ridiculous.
181
00:07:20,974 --> 00:07:22,407
This is ridiculous?
182
00:07:22,409 --> 00:07:25,110
There's 500 old grocery
bags neatly folded
183
00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:26,945
and crammed into
one of our cabinets.
184
00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:28,613
I'm leaving those
for the kids.
185
00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:30,415
Peter, the idea of God,
let alone
186
00:07:30,417 --> 00:07:32,484
that he'd care anything
about football, is absurd.
187
00:07:32,486 --> 00:07:35,554
Well, it's absurd to think that
my hand scratching on the couch
188
00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:37,856
is some kind of animal,
but you do.
189
00:07:49,235 --> 00:07:51,203
What the is that?
190
00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:56,741
Okay, this is God's house,
so we'll just go in there,
191
00:07:56,743 --> 00:07:59,077
talk to Him, and take care
of this whole thing.
192
00:07:59,079 --> 00:08:01,313
It'll be easy as one, two...
193
00:08:23,970 --> 00:08:26,671
Three.
194
00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:28,473
Hang on, guys.
195
00:08:28,475 --> 00:08:30,642
I want to enter the church
like Sherman Hemsley in Amen.
196
00:08:30,644 --> 00:08:34,145
Shine on me
Shine on me
197
00:08:34,147 --> 00:08:36,481
Oh, oh, shine
Shine on me
198
00:08:36,483 --> 00:08:40,118
Oh...
Shine on me
199
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:42,053
Oh-ah-ah-ah
Shine on me
200
00:08:42,055 --> 00:08:44,222
Hey-hey-hey,
hey-hey-hey, hey-hey-hey...
201
00:08:44,224 --> 00:08:45,891
Shine on me
202
00:08:45,893 --> 00:08:48,393
Oh, oh, oh...
Shine on me...
203
00:08:48,395 --> 00:08:52,931
There was a baby's funeral
going on in there.
204
00:08:57,570 --> 00:08:59,237
Huh. God's all over
this Bible,
205
00:08:59,239 --> 00:09:01,172
but they never give you
an exact address.
206
00:09:01,174 --> 00:09:02,474
You guys, look.
207
00:09:02,476 --> 00:09:04,309
I saw this article
in the paper today.
208
00:09:04,311 --> 00:09:06,578
"First Headline Read Aloud
Often Incorrect."
209
00:09:06,580 --> 00:09:08,346
No, no, not that one,
the one below it.
210
00:09:08,348 --> 00:09:10,849
Oh. "Carrie Underwood
Credits Her Success
211
00:09:10,851 --> 00:09:12,918
to Personal Relationship
With God."
212
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:14,986
You think she knows
where we can find Him?
213
00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:16,488
I'm sure she does.
214
00:09:16,490 --> 00:09:19,357
She's smart.
She won her job in a contest.
215
00:09:19,359 --> 00:09:21,826
Guys, we are going to Nashville.
216
00:09:29,335 --> 00:09:30,936
Don't worry.
That wasn't our line.
217
00:09:30,938 --> 00:09:33,238
Here comes our line.
218
00:09:40,379 --> 00:09:42,781
Wow, the Country
Music Awards!
219
00:09:42,783 --> 00:09:45,617
And you know it's huge 'cause
it's on a Tuesday night.
220
00:09:45,619 --> 00:09:47,252
Hey, look, there's
Taylor Swift.
221
00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:50,088
And there's Taylor
Not-So-Swift.
222
00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:54,025
I broke up with
a birthday cake.
223
00:09:54,027 --> 00:09:56,995
Ugh. We went on,
like, two dates.
224
00:09:58,064 --> 00:09:59,631
Hey, you're Carrie Underwood,
right?
225
00:09:59,633 --> 00:10:01,866
I sure am.
You want an autograph?
226
00:10:01,868 --> 00:10:03,802
Yeah, can you get me
Randy Travis's?
227
00:10:03,804 --> 00:10:05,870
Uh, I don't think so.
228
00:10:05,872 --> 00:10:07,906
Hey, in that song,
"Jesus, Take the Wheel,"
229
00:10:07,908 --> 00:10:11,476
was that, like, the real Jesus,
or was it just some Mexican guy?
230
00:10:11,478 --> 00:10:13,545
No, it was the
real Jesus.
231
00:10:13,547 --> 00:10:14,913
Wow. So, you know Him?
232
00:10:14,915 --> 00:10:16,381
We're actually looking
for His father.
233
00:10:16,383 --> 00:10:18,083
Do you know
where we can find God?
234
00:10:18,085 --> 00:10:19,951
Well, God is
everywhere.
235
00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:22,988
He's in our hearts, and we take
Him with us wherever we go.
236
00:10:22,990 --> 00:10:24,589
Yeah, we're looking for,
like, an address.
237
00:10:24,591 --> 00:10:26,558
Look, you guys,
I don't know who you are,
238
00:10:26,560 --> 00:10:28,126
but I have
to go perform.
239
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:30,261
Peter, I don't think
she knows where God is.
240
00:10:30,263 --> 00:10:31,830
Let's go.
241
00:10:33,132 --> 00:10:35,800
Hey, you know I don't like
you talking to other guys.
242
00:10:35,802 --> 00:10:37,469
I'm sorry, Jesus.
Whatever.
243
00:10:37,471 --> 00:10:40,271
Give me 40 bucks.
I want to get a Toby Keith hat.
244
00:10:40,273 --> 00:10:41,906
You sure you don't want
to stay for the show?
245
00:10:41,908 --> 00:10:43,408
Nah. This place
gives me the creeps.
246
00:10:43,410 --> 00:10:45,477
Like when I went to
that Pedophile Opera.
247
00:10:45,479 --> 00:10:48,913
We are proud to present Mozart's
The Magic Flute...
248
00:10:48,915 --> 00:10:51,149
in A minor.
249
00:10:52,451 --> 00:10:54,986
And you still won't give us
an Emmy? Come on!
250
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:56,621
If Modern Famildid that joke,
251
00:10:56,623 --> 00:10:59,224
you'd be carrying 'em around
on your shoulders!
252
00:11:03,095 --> 00:11:05,430
Well, God wasn't in
Nashville either.
253
00:11:05,432 --> 00:11:07,766
Maybe it's time to
throw in the towel.
254
00:11:07,768 --> 00:11:09,801
All right, look, maybe I'm
not like other football fans,
255
00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:12,671
but I don't have a fulfilling
career and a rich family life.
256
00:11:12,673 --> 00:11:14,873
Football is all I got.
Peter's right.
257
00:11:14,875 --> 00:11:17,342
We all live and die
with the Patriots.
258
00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:19,010
Yeah, we got to do this.
259
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:21,046
Even if it means travelling
to the ends of the Earth.
260
00:11:21,048 --> 00:11:23,048
That's the spirit, guys.
We'll find him.
261
00:11:23,050 --> 00:11:25,650
It can't be any harder
than finding that cheese.
262
00:11:25,652 --> 00:11:27,352
I think the cheese
is that way.
263
00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:29,020
I'm pretty sure
it's over here.
264
00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:32,290
Guys, guys, finding the cheese
is what they want us to do.
265
00:11:32,292 --> 00:11:34,392
Let's just chill.
266
00:11:34,394 --> 00:11:36,861
I don't know where they're
getting all this weed.
267
00:11:43,869 --> 00:11:46,838
"In Greece, it was commonly held
that one could speak to the gods
268
00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:48,540
from the top
of Mount Olympus."
269
00:11:48,542 --> 00:11:50,008
We should probably
go there.
270
00:11:50,010 --> 00:11:51,876
What do you mean "gods"?
There's more than one?
271
00:11:51,878 --> 00:11:53,878
Yes, Peter.
Greece is polytheistic.
272
00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:55,680
Quick, Peter, say something
so he thinks you know
273
00:11:55,682 --> 00:11:57,315
what he's talking about.
274
00:11:57,317 --> 00:11:58,683
Words.
275
00:11:58,685 --> 00:12:00,552
Yeah, you get it.
276
00:12:05,224 --> 00:12:07,692
Apparently, the Greeks have
a bunch of different gods.
277
00:12:07,694 --> 00:12:09,260
Athena's the goddess
of wisdom.
278
00:12:09,262 --> 00:12:11,162
Poseidon is the god
of the sea.
279
00:12:11,164 --> 00:12:13,364
And I am Chronos,
the god of time.
280
00:12:13,366 --> 00:12:14,766
Oh, cool,
what do you do?
281
00:12:14,768 --> 00:12:17,102
I tell the time and
make gift baskets.
282
00:12:17,104 --> 00:12:19,537
So are you also
the god of gift baskets?
283
00:12:19,539 --> 00:12:22,307
I don't know;
you tell me.
284
00:12:23,075 --> 00:12:25,276
Rosewood-mango candle?!
285
00:12:25,278 --> 00:12:26,578
Chronos!
286
00:12:26,580 --> 00:12:28,346
I know, I know.
287
00:12:28,348 --> 00:12:30,648
It's 4:30,
by the way.
288
00:12:35,187 --> 00:12:37,355
All right, what better place
to find God than the birthplace
289
00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:39,891
of all of Western
civilization's great religions
290
00:12:39,893 --> 00:12:41,459
and one really mean one.
291
00:12:41,461 --> 00:12:43,795
I had a feeling this is
what this place would be like.
292
00:12:43,797 --> 00:12:46,030
Oh, God, it's so hot out.
Why is there never any parking downtown?
293
00:12:46,032 --> 00:12:48,299
Who gets married on a Tuesday?
I got to get off these bad feet.
294
00:12:48,301 --> 00:12:49,701
Ailments!
295
00:12:49,703 --> 00:12:52,003
Oh, look, Joe's
feeding 'em pennies.
296
00:12:54,140 --> 00:12:57,542
Oh, oh!
Somebody take a picture.
297
00:12:57,544 --> 00:13:00,245
I can't believe we didn't
find God in Jerusalem.
298
00:13:00,247 --> 00:13:01,713
Well, we'll have
to keep looking.
299
00:13:01,715 --> 00:13:03,515
Oh, here's our bus
to the airport.
300
00:13:06,719 --> 00:13:08,386
Wow.
301
00:13:08,388 --> 00:13:11,523
That was super loud.
302
00:13:14,994 --> 00:13:18,830
Ah, India, the most spiritual
country in the world.
303
00:13:26,138 --> 00:13:29,307
God is not here.
304
00:13:32,478 --> 00:13:34,479
Well, that whole
trip was pointless.
305
00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:36,815
Yeah, plus I left
my Jacuzzi on the whole time,
306
00:13:36,817 --> 00:13:38,750
came home
to a boiled raccoon.
307
00:13:38,752 --> 00:13:40,485
You guys, I feel terrible.
308
00:13:40,487 --> 00:13:43,087
I'm sorry I dragged you around
the world looking for God.
309
00:13:43,089 --> 00:13:45,290
I guess it was
a huge waste of time.
310
00:13:45,292 --> 00:13:47,625
Like bringin' a married guy
to Vegas.
311
00:13:47,627 --> 00:13:51,129
So I'm thinking steak house.
Do they have salad? I can't eat red meat.
312
00:13:51,131 --> 00:13:54,933
Yeah. Then we hit the tables.
I'm already down 30 bucks.
313
00:13:54,935 --> 00:13:57,101
Maybe the sportsbook.
Is that near Caesars?
314
00:13:57,103 --> 00:13:59,304
I got to get Brandy
a Celine Dion T-shirt.
315
00:13:59,306 --> 00:14:02,540
And then the strip club.
Guys, we have a 7:00 a.m. tee time.
316
00:14:02,542 --> 00:14:04,976
And are we just gonna bail
on the Hoover Dam?
317
00:14:04,978 --> 00:14:06,444
Hey, guys.
318
00:14:06,446 --> 00:14:08,446
Hey, Death.
What are you doing here?
319
00:14:08,448 --> 00:14:10,515
Actually, I'm here
for your show.
320
00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:12,984
Oh, come on, man.
I'm on vacation.
321
00:14:12,986 --> 00:14:14,886
Wait a minute, Death,
you work with God!
322
00:14:14,888 --> 00:14:16,221
Will you take us to Him?
323
00:14:16,223 --> 00:14:17,488
Sure, I guess
I could.
324
00:14:17,490 --> 00:14:20,491
But don't
you mean "her"?
325
00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:22,560
Look at your faces!
326
00:14:22,562 --> 00:14:24,929
Of course it's a dude.
Come on, let's go.
327
00:14:31,503 --> 00:14:34,172
Aw, Death, we really appreciate
you taking us to see God.
328
00:14:34,174 --> 00:14:35,406
No problem.
329
00:14:35,408 --> 00:14:36,875
I was supposed
to kill Russell Brand,
330
00:14:36,877 --> 00:14:38,843
but I'll just
do this instead.
331
00:14:38,845 --> 00:14:40,345
Oh, w-well, wait, wait now.
332
00:14:40,347 --> 00:14:42,747
I mean, you could just
pick us up after...
333
00:14:47,152 --> 00:14:49,087
What the...
Where the hell are we?
334
00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:51,222
This is Heaven.
This is Heaven?!
335
00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:52,757
It looks
like a Sandals.
336
00:14:52,759 --> 00:14:55,260
Oh, hey, I'm God.
Welcome to Heaven.
337
00:14:55,262 --> 00:14:57,228
Oh, you got
to be kidding me!
338
00:14:57,230 --> 00:14:59,163
Handicapped is still
a thing up here?
339
00:14:59,165 --> 00:15:00,832
Oh, yeah, you're
like this forever.
340
00:15:00,834 --> 00:15:02,867
Hey, how come everyone
has different kinds of towels?
341
00:15:02,869 --> 00:15:05,236
Well, we don't provide towels;
you have to bring your own.
342
00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:07,405
It's very important
that you die holding towels.
343
00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:08,840
Have the priests
not been passing this along?
344
00:15:08,842 --> 00:15:10,608
It's very important.
345
00:15:10,610 --> 00:15:12,911
You know, I actually can't
believe they let me into Heaven.
346
00:15:12,913 --> 00:15:15,947
They won't even let me umpire
little league games anymore.
347
00:15:15,949 --> 00:15:17,916
Strike two!
348
00:15:17,918 --> 00:15:20,551
And, Ricky, you have got
the best ass on this field.
349
00:15:20,553 --> 00:15:23,288
Look, God, the reason we're
here is we wanted to tell you
350
00:15:23,290 --> 00:15:25,223
to stop messing
with the Patriots!
351
00:15:25,225 --> 00:15:26,925
What?!
352
00:15:26,927 --> 00:15:28,793
You really think I'd get
involved with football games
353
00:15:28,795 --> 00:15:31,062
when there's people dying
in Africa?
354
00:15:31,064 --> 00:15:33,932
Are you gonna do something about
the people dying in Africa?
355
00:15:33,934 --> 00:15:35,733
No, but I'm pretty upset
about it.
356
00:15:35,735 --> 00:15:37,568
Come off it, God,
you know what you're doing.
357
00:15:37,570 --> 00:15:39,137
Stop making
the Patriots lose!
358
00:15:39,139 --> 00:15:41,072
I'm God. I don't
have to do anything.
359
00:15:41,074 --> 00:15:42,707
Ah, so you admit it!
360
00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:43,875
Maybe.
361
00:15:43,877 --> 00:15:45,310
Oh, my God,
it's true?!
362
00:15:45,312 --> 00:15:46,911
You don't, like, pay attention
363
00:15:46,913 --> 00:15:49,948
to how much each individual tips
at each meal, right?
364
00:15:49,950 --> 00:15:53,451
Look, look, God, why... why
you got to hurt Patriots fans?
365
00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:55,119
These are good, drunk people
366
00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:57,889
who work hard to get
absolutely nowhere in life.
367
00:15:57,891 --> 00:15:59,290
There are three million
fishermen
368
00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:01,492
and only seven fish left
in the sea.
369
00:16:01,494 --> 00:16:03,394
But they live to watch football,
370
00:16:03,396 --> 00:16:06,831
many of them still on Zenith
or Sylvania television sets.
371
00:16:06,833 --> 00:16:09,434
Please, God, we're beggin' ya,
372
00:16:09,436 --> 00:16:10,969
leave football alone.
373
00:16:10,971 --> 00:16:12,437
It's all we got.
374
00:16:13,773 --> 00:16:15,273
Look, it-it's not the fans.
375
00:16:15,275 --> 00:16:16,841
It's just...
It's Belichick.
376
00:16:16,843 --> 00:16:18,576
I don't like him.
377
00:16:18,578 --> 00:16:22,080
I gave that guy three Super
Bowls, and he never smiled once.
378
00:16:22,082 --> 00:16:24,248
Not even at home.
Be grateful!
379
00:16:24,250 --> 00:16:25,950
But... but that's
just Belichick.
380
00:16:25,952 --> 00:16:27,251
Yeah, come on, God.
381
00:16:27,253 --> 00:16:29,687
Um, I'm locked out
of my room again.
382
00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:31,489
Oh, yeah, go directly
to the boss.
383
00:16:31,491 --> 00:16:33,291
Don't even try to ask
an employee.
384
00:16:33,293 --> 00:16:35,259
You got to lock
the doors in Heaven?
385
00:16:35,261 --> 00:16:38,196
One guy lost a laptop,
and everybody went nuts.
386
00:16:38,198 --> 00:16:40,131
All right, all right,
I'll tell you what.
387
00:16:40,133 --> 00:16:43,134
If you make Belichick smile,
I'll let the Patriots win again.
388
00:16:43,136 --> 00:16:44,602
Oh. Okay, you're on.
389
00:16:44,604 --> 00:16:46,437
I don't know, Peter,
that's gonna be tough.
390
00:16:46,439 --> 00:16:48,940
Don't worry, I got a lot of
practice making people smile.
391
00:16:48,942 --> 00:16:51,442
I used to be a celebrity
baby photographer.
392
00:16:51,444 --> 00:16:54,112
Okay, Apple, Apple,
smile for Peter.
393
00:16:54,114 --> 00:16:55,980
Smile for... No? No?
394
00:16:55,982 --> 00:16:57,949
Okay, okay, look over there.
Who's that? Who's that?
395
00:16:57,951 --> 00:17:00,284
Who loves you over there?
That's right.
396
00:17:00,286 --> 00:17:01,986
Can you smile
for Nanny Number Two?
397
00:17:01,988 --> 00:17:04,022
That's it!
There you go.
398
00:17:04,024 --> 00:17:07,225
And your mommy said that
she'll be able to Skype at 8:30
399
00:17:07,227 --> 00:17:09,761
if drinks don't turn
into dinner.
400
00:17:18,203 --> 00:17:20,671
Okay, okay,
shh, here he comes.
401
00:17:20,673 --> 00:17:22,640
Hiya, Mr. Belichick!
402
00:17:22,642 --> 00:17:24,575
Who the hell are you?
What do you want?
403
00:17:24,577 --> 00:17:26,477
We are here
to make you smile.
404
00:17:26,479 --> 00:17:29,047
And if there's one thing
that always gets me to smile,
405
00:17:29,049 --> 00:17:30,481
it's a child's laughter.
406
00:17:30,483 --> 00:17:32,250
So, I found this kid
in the parking lot,
407
00:17:32,252 --> 00:17:34,419
and I'm gonna make
him laugh for you.
408
00:17:37,923 --> 00:17:39,524
Come on, laugh.
409
00:17:39,526 --> 00:17:41,526
Who's your bubba?
Wudgie, wudgie, wudgie, wudgie.
410
00:17:41,528 --> 00:17:43,261
Don't touch my son's face.
411
00:17:43,263 --> 00:17:44,695
Get over here,
little man.
412
00:17:44,697 --> 00:17:46,831
This flight is cleared
for liftoff.
413
00:17:46,833 --> 00:17:48,066
Vroom. Liftoff.
414
00:17:48,068 --> 00:17:49,367
Whee.
415
00:17:49,369 --> 00:17:50,568
Who's flying?
Whee.
416
00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:51,936
You're flying.
Again.
417
00:17:51,938 --> 00:17:53,171
Who's daddy's
little jet?
418
00:17:53,173 --> 00:17:56,240
I love you,
Daddy.
419
00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:02,413
Oh, God,
you guys again?
420
00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:04,715
All right, Coach,
another surefire equation
421
00:18:04,717 --> 00:18:07,251
for comedy is tragedy plus time.
422
00:18:09,089 --> 00:18:11,422
And now we wait.
423
00:18:13,058 --> 00:18:15,393
All right, Coach, now one
thing that's always funny is
424
00:18:15,395 --> 00:18:17,795
when I dub my voice
over animal footage
425
00:18:17,797 --> 00:18:21,532
and introduce human foibles
into their situations.
426
00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:23,201
Tough day at the bank?
427
00:18:23,203 --> 00:18:25,103
PETER'S VOICE
No. Just had a bad lunch.
428
00:18:25,105 --> 00:18:26,037
What did you have?
429
00:18:26,039 --> 00:18:28,239
Serengeti and meatballs.
430
00:18:28,241 --> 00:18:30,608
How absurd!
431
00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:33,211
Look, you guys have been
following me around all day
432
00:18:33,213 --> 00:18:34,645
making fools out
of yourselves.
433
00:18:34,647 --> 00:18:36,114
Would you just
leave me alone?
434
00:18:36,116 --> 00:18:37,648
I've got work to do.
435
00:18:37,650 --> 00:18:39,884
Oh, guys,
I guess we failed.
436
00:18:39,886 --> 00:18:41,652
Sorry for wasting
your time, Coach.
437
00:18:41,654 --> 00:18:43,321
We got to get to
the hospital anyway.
438
00:18:43,323 --> 00:18:44,989
Our friend
Joe here has
439
00:18:44,991 --> 00:18:46,924
to have his fluids
changed every 72 hours,
440
00:18:46,926 --> 00:18:49,827
or else he swells up and
his eyes turn yellow.
441
00:18:49,829 --> 00:18:51,229
Huh.
What was that?
442
00:18:51,231 --> 00:18:52,396
Oh, my God, Joe, quick!
443
00:18:52,398 --> 00:18:54,499
Tell him more
about your sad life.
444
00:18:54,501 --> 00:18:57,502
Uh, every morning, I wake up
drenched in my own urine.
445
00:18:57,504 --> 00:19:00,905
My feet are just shoes sewn
to the bottom of my pants.
446
00:19:00,907 --> 00:19:03,407
Last week, the handicapped seat
on the bus was taken,
447
00:19:03,409 --> 00:19:05,776
so they put me on the front,
like a bicycle.
448
00:19:05,778 --> 00:19:07,411
After I injured my legs,
449
00:19:07,413 --> 00:19:10,448
my doctor said I'd be walking
again in two weeks.
450
00:19:10,450 --> 00:19:14,152
Huh. That's hysterical.
451
00:19:14,154 --> 00:19:15,319
Oh, my God, yes!
452
00:19:15,321 --> 00:19:16,754
All right! All right!
He smiled!
453
00:19:16,756 --> 00:19:18,156
We did it!
454
00:19:18,158 --> 00:19:19,957
Aw, man, this is
my biggest accomplishment
455
00:19:19,959 --> 00:19:23,728
since my 1920s solo flight
across the Atlantic.
456
00:19:29,134 --> 00:19:30,268
Vive Pierre Griffin!
457
00:19:30,270 --> 00:19:31,202
Incroyable!
458
00:19:31,204 --> 00:19:32,637
Don't look in there.
459
00:19:32,639 --> 00:19:34,438
Don't look in there.
It's all craps.
460
00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:36,374
All right, we got to put toilets
in these things
461
00:19:36,376 --> 00:19:38,910
if we're gonna be in 'em
for more than two hours.
462
00:19:41,613 --> 00:19:43,848
Wow. You guys
pulled it off.
463
00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:45,116
Well, a deal's a deal.
464
00:19:45,118 --> 00:19:47,151
I'll leave the
Patriots alone.
465
00:19:47,153 --> 00:19:48,219
Oh, thanks, God!
466
00:19:48,221 --> 00:19:50,188
Yeah!
Really appreciate it.
467
00:19:50,190 --> 00:19:51,722
Aw, come here, you!
468
00:19:51,724 --> 00:19:53,291
Ah, ah, ah!
Get off me!
469
00:19:53,293 --> 00:19:55,026
Get off me!
What the hell?
470
00:19:55,028 --> 00:19:57,295
God's mildly
autistic.
471
00:19:57,297 --> 00:19:59,330
You can't touch Him,
especially on the head.
472
00:19:59,332 --> 00:20:01,232
It's all right, it's all right,
it's all right.
473
00:20:01,234 --> 00:20:03,034
Just-Just-Just
don't do that!
474
00:20:03,036 --> 00:20:04,335
Sorry about that.
475
00:20:04,337 --> 00:20:05,403
Well, uh, again, thanks.
476
00:20:05,405 --> 00:20:06,537
We won't forget this.
477
00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:08,206
Oh, by the way...
478
00:20:08,208 --> 00:20:10,341
Conway Twitty
says cut it out.
479
00:20:10,343 --> 00:20:12,877
Just write a joke.
480
00:20:17,583 --> 00:20:19,250
Well, Peter,
I'm glad you're home,
481
00:20:19,252 --> 00:20:21,586
and I'm happy you guys found
what you were looking for.
482
00:20:21,588 --> 00:20:24,555
Yeah, and this trip made me
realize that 98% of the world
483
00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:26,557
is just making
each other blankets.
484
00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:28,192
So, Brian, you still
an atheist
485
00:20:28,194 --> 00:20:29,393
now that Dad's
met God?
486
00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:30,761
Stewie, who knows
who he met?
487
00:20:30,763 --> 00:20:32,530
Every time we go
to Disney World,
488
00:20:32,532 --> 00:20:34,932
he thinks Mickey Mouse just
happened to be there that day.
489
00:20:34,934 --> 00:20:37,401
I'll tell ya, seeing God in
Heaven was just like that time
490
00:20:37,403 --> 00:20:39,170
I met Mickey and Donald
outside Thunder Mountain.
491
00:20:39,172 --> 00:20:40,571
I mean, what are the odds?
492
00:20:40,573 --> 00:20:42,240
But, Peter, I still
don't understand why
493
00:20:42,242 --> 00:20:44,041
you would go
to all that trouble
494
00:20:44,043 --> 00:20:46,344
to find God and only ask
about the Patriots.
495
00:20:46,346 --> 00:20:48,179
Oh, I asked
for one more thing.
496
00:20:48,947 --> 00:20:50,381
Aah! What's happening?!
497
00:20:50,383 --> 00:20:51,749
Don't look at her.
Don't look at her.
498
00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:53,050
It's okay.
Just go with it.
499
00:20:53,052 --> 00:20:54,652
It'll all be over
in a second.37249
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