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1
00:00:02,035 --> 00:00:04,970
It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:04,972 --> 00:00:08,273
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,275 --> 00:00:11,844
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,846 --> 00:00:14,847
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,849 --> 00:00:18,350
Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:21,653
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
7
00:00:21,655 --> 00:00:23,222
All the things that make us
8
00:00:23,224 --> 00:00:24,556
Laugh and cry
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00:00:24,558 --> 00:00:30,162
He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
10
00:00:30,164 --> 00:00:32,965
Captioned by Media Access
Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
11
00:00:37,404 --> 00:00:39,405
Ah, this hunting trip
is long overdue.
12
00:00:39,407 --> 00:00:41,807
Yeah, I mean, it's just too bad
that all the-the animals
13
00:00:41,809 --> 00:00:43,542
are so spread out, you know?
14
00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:45,511
I mean, wouldn't it
be awesome if-if they were all
15
00:00:45,513 --> 00:00:47,046
grouped together,
like in a cafeteria,
16
00:00:47,048 --> 00:00:49,181
and you could just go in there
with a trench coat
17
00:00:49,183 --> 00:00:50,416
and just waste them?
18
00:00:50,418 --> 00:00:53,152
Well, maybe I can stir up
some quail or pheasant
19
00:00:53,154 --> 00:00:55,387
with my patented
bird calls.
20
00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:57,089
Birds! Quail! Pheasant!
21
00:00:57,091 --> 00:00:58,724
Come on out!
22
00:00:58,726 --> 00:01:02,594
I'm a bird of the opposite sex
who's interested in mating!
23
00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:04,396
Did you hear that?
24
00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:05,697
We're gonna get laid!
25
00:01:05,699 --> 00:01:07,533
Billy, Billy, come on.
26
00:01:07,535 --> 00:01:09,401
Don't be stupid.
27
00:01:21,281 --> 00:01:23,248
Should've taken
the shot, fat-ass.
28
00:01:23,250 --> 00:01:24,783
Ah, ah, ow!
29
00:01:29,189 --> 00:01:31,457
Hey, Peter, you got
your safety on, right?
30
00:01:31,459 --> 00:01:32,791
Yeah, of course.
31
00:01:32,793 --> 00:01:34,460
Okay, 'cause your gun is
pointing right at me.
32
00:01:34,462 --> 00:01:35,594
Well, you want me
to pull the trigger
33
00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:36,962
and prove it to you?
34
00:01:36,964 --> 00:01:38,864
No, I just want to make
sure your safety's on.
35
00:01:38,866 --> 00:01:40,032
There. See, Quagmire?
36
00:01:40,034 --> 00:01:41,100
Safety's on.
37
00:01:41,102 --> 00:01:43,102
Now this is a gun
without a safety.
38
00:01:44,305 --> 00:01:45,471
Quite the difference, huh?
39
00:01:45,473 --> 00:01:46,939
Damn it, Peter,
you son of a bitch!
40
00:01:46,941 --> 00:01:47,940
You shot me!
41
00:01:47,942 --> 00:01:49,241
Oh, my God, Peter!
42
00:01:49,243 --> 00:01:51,143
That might be the dumbest
thing you've ever done.
43
00:01:51,145 --> 00:01:52,778
No, the dumbest
thing I ever did
44
00:01:52,780 --> 00:01:54,780
was open that
can of whup-ass.
45
00:01:59,420 --> 00:02:01,253
Lois, why did you buy this?!
46
00:02:01,255 --> 00:02:03,722
It was on sale!
47
00:02:07,460 --> 00:02:11,263
A writer who inherits
a magic typewriter
48
00:02:11,265 --> 00:02:13,599
that writes for him,
49
00:02:13,601 --> 00:02:17,569
but then it turns out
the typewriter is... racist?
50
00:02:17,571 --> 00:02:19,438
Totally makes sense.
51
00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:21,440
Older technology,
older world view.
52
00:02:21,442 --> 00:02:23,442
And that is a good day.
53
00:02:23,444 --> 00:02:25,110
I earned some banana bread.
54
00:02:26,847 --> 00:02:27,846
Oh, crap.
55
00:02:27,848 --> 00:02:28,847
It's Dylan.
56
00:02:28,849 --> 00:02:30,649
Dylan? Your son?
57
00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:32,784
I haven't heard you
mention him in ages.
58
00:02:32,786 --> 00:02:36,088
Yeah, I-I decided to step away
from the whole situation.
59
00:02:36,090 --> 00:02:38,290
The last thing he needs
is a father who's,
60
00:02:38,292 --> 00:02:40,359
you know, sometimes
there, sometimes not.
61
00:02:40,361 --> 00:02:42,928
Really? When-when was the part
when you were there?
62
00:02:42,930 --> 00:02:44,296
Hey, if I
click "ignore,"
63
00:02:44,298 --> 00:02:46,131
will he know that I'm
sending him to voice mail?
64
00:02:46,133 --> 00:02:47,166
Hey, Dylan!
65
00:02:47,168 --> 00:02:48,534
Hey, it's Stewie!
66
00:02:48,536 --> 00:02:50,702
Yeah, I'm right here
with your dad!
67
00:02:51,838 --> 00:02:53,805
Hey... hey, Dylan.
68
00:02:53,807 --> 00:02:54,873
Hey, Dad!
69
00:02:54,875 --> 00:02:56,275
I know we haven't
talked in a while,
70
00:02:56,277 --> 00:02:58,677
but I'm calling because
I'm on my way to Quahog.
71
00:02:58,679 --> 00:02:59,978
Oh, really?
72
00:02:59,980 --> 00:03:01,547
W-When are you
getting here?
73
00:03:01,549 --> 00:03:02,848
Tuesday...
Oh, don't say Tuesday!
74
00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:05,050
Aw, aw, I'm at the...
I'm at the...
75
00:03:05,052 --> 00:03:06,885
I'm out at
the project all day.
76
00:03:06,887 --> 00:03:08,887
Aw, hands on,
indispensable.
77
00:03:08,889 --> 00:03:11,456
They-they need me there,
so, wow.
78
00:03:11,458 --> 00:03:13,058
Rats. Bummer.
79
00:03:13,060 --> 00:03:15,460
I can cover for you
at the project, Brian!
80
00:03:15,462 --> 00:03:16,628
Go see your boy!
81
00:03:16,630 --> 00:03:17,829
Dad, who's your coworker?
82
00:03:17,831 --> 00:03:18,797
He sounds nice.
83
00:03:18,799 --> 00:03:20,332
He's widely disliked
here, but, uh...
84
00:03:20,334 --> 00:03:21,967
I'll meet you Tuesday
at the coffee shop.
85
00:03:21,969 --> 00:03:23,802
Sounds great.
I'll see you then.
86
00:03:23,804 --> 00:03:25,871
Okay, b-bye.
87
00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:27,539
See? Don't you feel better?
88
00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:28,874
You're gonna go
to that lunch,
89
00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:30,342
you're gonna reconnect
with your son.
90
00:03:30,344 --> 00:03:31,343
It'll be great.
91
00:03:31,345 --> 00:03:32,744
I don't know, Stewie.
92
00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:34,246
Trust me, you should
take my advice.
93
00:03:34,248 --> 00:03:36,215
I mean, I'm the guy
who told Michael Chiklis
94
00:03:36,217 --> 00:03:37,749
to wear tight shirts.
95
00:03:37,751 --> 00:03:39,351
I'll tell you
anything you want,
96
00:03:39,353 --> 00:03:40,919
just get your boobs
out of my face!
97
00:03:40,921 --> 00:03:43,655
You know the difference
between you and me, dirtbag?
98
00:03:43,657 --> 00:03:47,659
No matter how muscular I get,
I will never be muscular.
99
00:03:51,898 --> 00:03:53,599
Hey, Quagmire,
what's with the cast?
100
00:03:53,601 --> 00:03:56,235
Did you hurt your arm after
I shot you in the arm?
101
00:03:56,237 --> 00:03:58,103
The shooting was
the injury, Peter!
102
00:03:58,105 --> 00:04:00,672
Look, I already said I was
sorry, like, a hundred times.
103
00:04:00,674 --> 00:04:03,108
Oh, and before I forget,
I want my Huey Lewis CD back.
104
00:04:03,110 --> 00:04:04,443
Well, I want a new drug.
105
00:04:04,445 --> 00:04:05,844
Okay, at least
you've been using it.
106
00:04:05,846 --> 00:04:07,012
But I want
it back, Peter.
107
00:04:07,014 --> 00:04:07,913
This is it.
Ooh-ah.
108
00:04:07,915 --> 00:04:09,248
Damn it, Peter,
just give it back.
109
00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:11,550
I can't give it back.
I lost it in a poker game.
110
00:04:11,552 --> 00:04:13,385
What?
I didn't think he could beat a two.
111
00:04:13,387 --> 00:04:14,720
Where the hell
do you get off
112
00:04:14,722 --> 00:04:16,421
betting my CD
in a poker game?
113
00:04:16,423 --> 00:04:17,923
I don't think
I like your tone.
114
00:04:17,925 --> 00:04:21,026
W-What? You're-you're saying
I'm being the unreasonable one?!
115
00:04:21,028 --> 00:04:22,427
Geez, calm down,
you guys.
116
00:04:22,429 --> 00:04:23,729
No, no, Joe, Joe, Joe,
117
00:04:23,731 --> 00:04:25,197
it's time somebody
said this to him.
118
00:04:25,199 --> 00:04:27,633
Peter Griffin,
you are an idiot!
119
00:04:27,635 --> 00:04:30,435
You can't even walk
and chew gum at the same time.
120
00:04:30,437 --> 00:04:32,404
Peter, come on!
121
00:04:32,406 --> 00:04:33,472
Walk over here.
122
00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:35,907
I'm doing something.
123
00:04:35,909 --> 00:04:38,143
One thing at a time.
124
00:04:38,145 --> 00:04:39,311
Damn it, Peter, that's it!
125
00:04:39,313 --> 00:04:41,146
I am done!
I'm done with you!
126
00:04:41,148 --> 00:04:42,447
I'm done with
all your crap!
127
00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:43,915
I never want to
speak to you again!
128
00:04:43,917 --> 00:04:45,584
This friendship is over!
129
00:04:45,586 --> 00:04:46,585
Well, fine!
130
00:04:46,587 --> 00:04:47,719
I don't need your friendship!
131
00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:48,987
I got other friends.
132
00:04:48,989 --> 00:04:50,956
I got my silent movie friends.
133
00:05:17,183 --> 00:05:19,284
Coming up, we'll meet
a Filipino man
134
00:05:19,286 --> 00:05:21,453
who actually has
a grown-up haircut.
135
00:05:21,455 --> 00:05:23,121
Hey, what are you
still doing here?
136
00:05:23,123 --> 00:05:25,023
Aren't you supposed to be
having lunch with Dylan?
137
00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:27,192
Yeah, you know, Stewie,
I've been thinking about it.
138
00:05:27,194 --> 00:05:29,127
And I haven't seen
him in years,
139
00:05:29,129 --> 00:05:31,330
and at this point,
I-I just don't see
140
00:05:31,332 --> 00:05:32,764
what could possibly
be gained
141
00:05:32,766 --> 00:05:34,132
from me getting
together with him.
142
00:05:34,134 --> 00:05:36,835
In entertainment news,
Hollywood comes to Quahog
143
00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:38,804
in the form of a new
Disney Channel show
144
00:05:38,806 --> 00:05:40,539
called Parent Boppers,
145
00:05:40,541 --> 00:05:42,307
about a group of
teen detectives.
146
00:05:42,309 --> 00:05:44,776
The show, set and filmed
right here in Rhode Island,
147
00:05:44,778 --> 00:05:48,680
stars local teen and
Irish trash Dylan Flannigan.
148
00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:50,048
Brian, did you hear that?
149
00:05:50,050 --> 00:05:52,384
Your son's gonna be a TV star!
150
00:05:52,386 --> 00:05:54,119
Brian?
151
00:05:57,223 --> 00:05:58,690
He's off to lunch, Meg.
152
00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:00,892
Oh, that dog o' mine!
153
00:06:00,894 --> 00:06:02,394
That's Mike Drunkbeater.
154
00:06:02,396 --> 00:06:03,562
Look it up on the Internet.
155
00:06:15,308 --> 00:06:18,877
Wow, my son Dylan
on a TV show.
156
00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:21,012
Funny how life
turns out, isn't it?
157
00:06:21,014 --> 00:06:23,181
You remember that weekend
we watched TV together?
158
00:06:23,183 --> 00:06:26,852
Boy, little did I know
how much that was gonna rub off.
159
00:06:26,854 --> 00:06:28,320
Did we watch
TV together?
160
00:06:28,322 --> 00:06:30,489
Oh, probably.
But, wow, huh?
161
00:06:30,491 --> 00:06:31,990
And-and you know what's weird?
162
00:06:31,992 --> 00:06:34,426
You're on a show...
I'm a writer.
163
00:06:34,428 --> 00:06:36,728
It's-it's almost like
the universe is trying to...
164
00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,330
...I don't know,
165
00:06:38,332 --> 00:06:40,332
make us work together
or something, I don't know.
166
00:06:40,334 --> 00:06:42,934
You... you want
a job on my show?
167
00:06:42,936 --> 00:06:44,736
Hey, hey, don't put
the universe's words
168
00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:45,937
in my mouth, okay?
169
00:06:45,939 --> 00:06:47,439
I don't know, Dad.
170
00:06:47,441 --> 00:06:49,408
I've-I've barely seen you
in the past few years.
171
00:06:49,410 --> 00:06:51,376
So, what better way
to reconnect
172
00:06:51,378 --> 00:06:53,044
than by working
together every day?
173
00:06:53,046 --> 00:06:54,513
Well, I suppose
I could talk to them,
174
00:06:54,515 --> 00:06:55,680
see if they'd
go for it.
175
00:06:55,682 --> 00:06:56,681
Why wouldn't they?
176
00:06:56,683 --> 00:06:58,016
I-I mean,
it wouldn't be
177
00:06:58,018 --> 00:06:59,851
the craziest idea
in show business.
178
00:06:59,853 --> 00:07:00,752
When I grow up,
179
00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:02,721
I want to stick my head
through a circle
180
00:07:02,723 --> 00:07:04,589
at the beginning
of movies and roar.
181
00:07:06,693 --> 00:07:09,795
What's up now, bitches?!
182
00:07:13,032 --> 00:07:15,634
We now return to
Saving Private Ryan,
183
00:07:15,636 --> 00:07:17,402
brought to you without
commercial interruption
184
00:07:17,404 --> 00:07:18,770
by Mazda.
185
00:07:25,812 --> 00:07:29,848
Shh, shh, shh,
shh, shh, shh.
186
00:07:31,551 --> 00:07:33,718
Zoom zoom.
187
00:07:39,125 --> 00:07:41,326
Hey, Jerome, can you
clear out my booth?
188
00:07:41,328 --> 00:07:43,662
Looks like somebody
left their trash here.
189
00:07:43,664 --> 00:07:45,931
Jerome, can you tell
that
190
00:07:45,933 --> 00:07:47,332
to get
the hell out of here
191
00:07:47,334 --> 00:07:48,967
before I
kick him in the face?
192
00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:51,503
Peter, why don't you just sit
in that booth over there?
193
00:07:51,505 --> 00:07:54,172
Oh, man, that's where the
after-work secretaries sit.
194
00:07:55,975 --> 00:07:57,843
What about Mr. Demerson?
Is he single?
195
00:07:57,845 --> 00:07:59,511
I... I-I don't know.
196
00:07:59,513 --> 00:08:01,179
What about Mr. Adelaide?
Is he single?
197
00:08:01,181 --> 00:08:02,747
I don't know
who that is.
198
00:08:02,749 --> 00:08:04,616
Well, who do you know
who is single?
199
00:08:04,618 --> 00:08:06,618
Uh, I'm assuming you.
200
00:08:06,620 --> 00:08:08,353
Oh-oh, hey, look! Cake!
201
00:08:11,090 --> 00:08:13,258
Hey, Joe!
Hey, Joe, I'm over here!
202
00:08:13,260 --> 00:08:14,359
Joe! Joe!
Come sit with me!
203
00:08:14,361 --> 00:08:15,961
Come on, you guys.
204
00:08:15,963 --> 00:08:17,696
Joe, I got a box of
salt water taffies,
205
00:08:17,698 --> 00:08:18,864
and you can have two.
206
00:08:18,866 --> 00:08:19,965
Joe, I got
a deck of cards
207
00:08:19,967 --> 00:08:21,299
you can put in your
wheels to look cool.
208
00:08:21,301 --> 00:08:23,468
Joe, I'll do the wavy
stomach for you.
209
00:08:23,470 --> 00:08:25,537
Looks like a real wave.
210
00:08:25,539 --> 00:08:27,439
Joe, I can scream
your name real loud!
211
00:08:27,441 --> 00:08:29,975
Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe!
212
00:08:29,977 --> 00:08:31,042
I can yell it louder!
213
00:08:31,044 --> 00:08:33,545
Joe! Joe! Joe!
214
00:08:33,547 --> 00:08:37,015
Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe!
Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe!
215
00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:39,017
What the hell
is going on here?!
216
00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:40,719
I'm in there trying
to take a leak!
217
00:08:40,721 --> 00:08:42,320
What, you think
I'm here to amuse you?
218
00:08:42,322 --> 00:08:44,523
You made me dribble
on my Bruno Maglis
219
00:08:44,525 --> 00:08:46,558
turning to see
who's calling my name!
220
00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:48,560
Joe Pesci thought we were
talking to him
221
00:08:48,562 --> 00:08:50,228
'cause his name is Joe.
222
00:08:50,230 --> 00:08:53,131
Oh, you don't know who
Joe Pesci is, 'cause you're 14.
223
00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:56,868
You see, in the '90s,
this was a tough guy.
224
00:09:02,642 --> 00:09:04,576
Hey, multiracial
group of friends,
225
00:09:04,578 --> 00:09:06,011
you want to hang out?
226
00:09:06,013 --> 00:09:07,679
Cut! That's a five.
227
00:09:07,681 --> 00:09:09,915
Tell my assistant I fell asleep
with a condom on again,
228
00:09:09,917 --> 00:09:11,917
and to bring scissors
to my trailer.
229
00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:16,187
All right, guys,
before we begin today,
230
00:09:16,189 --> 00:09:19,324
I want to introduce our newest
staff writer, Brian Griffin.
231
00:09:19,326 --> 00:09:20,358
Hi, guys.
232
00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:22,093
Yes, I am that Brian Griffin.
233
00:09:22,095 --> 00:09:25,230
You probably have my novel,
but just so you know, in here,
234
00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:27,432
I'm just one of
the guys, all right?
235
00:09:27,434 --> 00:09:29,401
You have my novel, right?
236
00:09:29,403 --> 00:09:30,602
Nope? No?
237
00:09:30,604 --> 00:09:32,237
You got it, though.
Nope?
238
00:09:32,239 --> 00:09:33,271
You got it?
239
00:09:33,273 --> 00:09:35,106
Nope, nobody's got it.
240
00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:36,441
All right.
241
00:09:36,443 --> 00:09:38,243
Okay, so we got to
come up with a story
242
00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:39,344
for next week's episode.
243
00:09:39,346 --> 00:09:40,545
How about we do one
244
00:09:40,547 --> 00:09:41,947
where DJ gets his
driver's license?
245
00:09:41,949 --> 00:09:43,682
That could work.
I don't think we've done that.
246
00:09:43,684 --> 00:09:44,683
Love that idea.
247
00:09:44,685 --> 00:09:45,784
No, no, no.
248
00:09:45,786 --> 00:09:47,953
Guys, guys, come on,
where's the STWISTUSION?
249
00:09:49,055 --> 00:09:50,755
Really?
Really?
250
00:09:50,757 --> 00:09:52,390
I'm the only guy here
who's heard of that?
251
00:09:52,392 --> 00:09:55,427
Stakes, twists, conclusion...
STWISTUSION.
252
00:09:55,429 --> 00:09:57,062
That sounds made up.
253
00:09:57,064 --> 00:09:59,230
Let me ask you something:
are you afraid right now?
254
00:09:59,232 --> 00:10:00,465
What? No.
255
00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:01,700
That's what's wrong.
256
00:10:01,702 --> 00:10:03,401
You should be, you know?
257
00:10:03,403 --> 00:10:04,636
Art is scary.
258
00:10:04,638 --> 00:10:05,737
This is writing, man.
259
00:10:05,739 --> 00:10:07,105
The viewer wants to be raped.
260
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:09,874
Are you saying my nine-year-old
daughter wants to be raped?
261
00:10:09,876 --> 00:10:11,910
Now you're asking
the right questions.
262
00:10:11,912 --> 00:10:14,813
Now you're being creative,
thinking outside the box.
263
00:10:14,815 --> 00:10:17,616
Take what you think you know
and go a different way with it.
264
00:10:17,618 --> 00:10:20,151
Like-like, for instance,
what if the daughter in Taken
265
00:10:20,153 --> 00:10:22,287
was Zooey Deschanel?
266
00:10:22,289 --> 00:10:24,623
Send me her head.
267
00:10:28,094 --> 00:10:30,328
Peter, Quagmire, I've
called you here today
268
00:10:30,330 --> 00:10:32,130
because this
has got to stop.
269
00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:34,332
The petty vying
for my attention,
270
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:37,435
the late-night phone
calls, the attack ads.
271
00:10:37,437 --> 00:10:39,337
Glenn Quagmire claims to be
272
00:10:39,339 --> 00:10:40,805
Joe Swanson's good friend.
273
00:10:40,807 --> 00:10:44,175
But would a "good friend"
not return a leaf blower
274
00:10:44,177 --> 00:10:47,078
for four months
during the leafy season?
275
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:48,313
I'm Peter Griffin,
276
00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:50,515
and I broke into a news station
to make this.
277
00:10:50,517 --> 00:10:51,950
Hey, who's that guy?
278
00:10:54,688 --> 00:10:57,856
Well, look, you guys have
given me no alternative.
279
00:10:57,858 --> 00:10:59,491
I have to choose
one of you.
280
00:10:59,493 --> 00:11:00,525
So I choose Quagmire.
281
00:11:00,527 --> 00:11:02,127
What?!
Suck it!
282
00:11:02,129 --> 00:11:03,361
I'm sorry, Peter,
283
00:11:03,363 --> 00:11:04,829
it's just that
Quagmire's been there
284
00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:06,498
for me in some
pretty dark days.
285
00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:08,933
And he's been a wonderful
godfather to Susie.
286
00:11:10,037 --> 00:11:11,770
There she is,
my little Susie-woozie!
287
00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:15,974
I love Susie more!
Come here, Susie!
288
00:11:15,976 --> 00:11:18,476
Uncle Peter's gonna
give you a raspberry.
289
00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:23,648
Peter, that's not
where you do a raspberry.
290
00:11:23,650 --> 00:11:26,017
I closed my eyes too early.
291
00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:27,986
I think it's best
if you leave.
292
00:11:27,988 --> 00:11:29,220
Oh, yeah?
293
00:11:29,222 --> 00:11:31,523
Well, maybe I'll hang out
with my godson, Kevin.
294
00:11:31,525 --> 00:11:33,158
Get out!
295
00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:35,360
He was masturbating
with a knife.
296
00:11:39,231 --> 00:11:41,132
We're rolling!
297
00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:44,335
My stupid parents want me
to wear a bike helmet.
298
00:11:44,337 --> 00:11:45,970
Parents are lame.
299
00:11:45,972 --> 00:11:48,006
Hold on, other kids.
Maybe they just recognize
300
00:11:48,008 --> 00:11:50,241
that nothing can protect us
from the tedium
301
00:11:50,243 --> 00:11:51,676
of our mundane lives.
302
00:11:51,678 --> 00:11:54,179
Aren't we all on bikes
without helmets?
303
00:11:54,181 --> 00:11:56,915
Sometimes I just want
to put this gun in my mouth.
304
00:11:56,917 --> 00:12:00,051
Cut! Your line is
"That's right, Cameron."
305
00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:02,053
I know. My dad wrote
that one for me.
306
00:12:02,055 --> 00:12:03,354
Again with this?
307
00:12:03,356 --> 00:12:04,923
Yesterday, you had
Dakota give herself
308
00:12:04,925 --> 00:12:07,826
an abdomen-punch abortion during
her volleyball tournament.
309
00:12:07,828 --> 00:12:09,761
Hey, seventh grade
can be hell.
310
00:12:09,763 --> 00:12:10,929
Brian, you're fired.
311
00:12:10,931 --> 00:12:11,930
Wait, what?!
312
00:12:11,932 --> 00:12:13,498
Sorry, Brian,
but you're done.
313
00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:16,367
Oh, come on! You can't fire a
writer in the middle of a show!
314
00:12:16,369 --> 00:12:17,869
That would be like
a doctor leaving
315
00:12:17,871 --> 00:12:19,104
in the middle
of a surgery!
316
00:12:20,373 --> 00:12:21,773
Help!
317
00:12:21,775 --> 00:12:24,342
I'm supposed to have surgery,
but my doctor disappeared.
318
00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:27,746
Okay, Josh, this is the shot
you've been waiting for.
319
00:12:30,416 --> 00:12:32,183
Okay, Derek,
this is the shot
320
00:12:32,185 --> 00:12:34,018
you've been waiting for.
321
00:12:35,788 --> 00:12:37,255
Dylan, Dylan,
there you are!
322
00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:38,790
Listen, you can't
let them fire me!
323
00:12:38,792 --> 00:12:40,225
You're the star
of the show!
324
00:12:40,227 --> 00:12:42,761
Dad, believe me, I want
you to work here with me,
325
00:12:42,763 --> 00:12:44,462
but you can't keep
doing things like that.
326
00:12:44,464 --> 00:12:45,930
And they know
you took those cases
327
00:12:45,932 --> 00:12:47,365
of Diet Coke
home last night.
328
00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:49,067
I thought they were
anybody's Diet Coke!
329
00:12:49,069 --> 00:12:50,568
They're for work!
I work at home!
330
00:12:50,570 --> 00:12:52,771
Oh, hey, by the way, are we all
getting those backpacks
331
00:12:52,773 --> 00:12:54,439
with the name
of the show on them?
332
00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:55,774
You know what, Dad?
333
00:12:55,776 --> 00:12:57,408
I'm starting to think
that you've just been
334
00:12:57,410 --> 00:12:59,477
using me to advance
your career!
335
00:12:59,479 --> 00:13:01,813
God! You're
a terrible father!
336
00:13:01,815 --> 00:13:03,982
I never want to
see you again!
337
00:13:06,620 --> 00:13:07,886
My God, he's right.
338
00:13:07,888 --> 00:13:11,156
I ama terrible father.
339
00:13:55,367 --> 00:13:57,302
Brian, do you
know where...
340
00:13:57,304 --> 00:13:59,204
What the hell
are you drinking?
341
00:13:59,206 --> 00:14:01,206
Is that Rite Aid-
brand whiskey?
342
00:14:02,542 --> 00:14:05,844
Stewie, I just feel so awful
about what happened with Dylan.
343
00:14:05,846 --> 00:14:08,446
I mean, every terrible thing
he said about me is true.
344
00:14:08,448 --> 00:14:10,281
Well, you're
a terrible guy, Bri.
345
00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:13,384
I think being a paid writer
again just went to my head.
346
00:14:13,386 --> 00:14:16,354
I mean, I just... I can't
believe I was so selfish.
347
00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:18,990
It's-it's like Dylan just held
a mirror up to me,
348
00:14:18,992 --> 00:14:22,227
and I could finally see how
poorly I'd been treating him.
349
00:14:22,229 --> 00:14:25,330
I guess I didn't realize how
lucky I was to have Dylan back
350
00:14:25,332 --> 00:14:28,466
in my life until I lost him
all over again.
351
00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:29,868
Well, maybe you
should just apologize.
352
00:14:29,870 --> 00:14:30,969
I tried to.
353
00:14:30,971 --> 00:14:33,838
I mean, I texted him
"S-R-Y frowny face."
354
00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:37,075
I mean, he knows that I'm sorry
and that I'm sad.
355
00:14:38,244 --> 00:14:40,712
What are you guys
doing up so early?
356
00:14:40,714 --> 00:14:41,746
What-what are we...
357
00:14:41,748 --> 00:14:43,081
Where have you been?
358
00:14:43,083 --> 00:14:46,251
Well, I certainly wasn't
at the Shriners' convention.
359
00:14:48,387 --> 00:14:49,587
You know what
I think, Brian?
360
00:14:49,589 --> 00:14:51,656
I think you've got to
get down to that set
361
00:14:51,658 --> 00:14:53,825
and apologize
face-to-face.
362
00:14:53,827 --> 00:14:55,260
You're right.
363
00:14:55,262 --> 00:14:58,363
I just... I hope he's willing
to hear me out, you know?
364
00:14:58,365 --> 00:15:00,265
I'm the worst father ever.
365
00:15:00,267 --> 00:15:02,667
I'm even worse than
Marvin Gaye's dad.
366
00:15:02,669 --> 00:15:04,269
Happy Father's Day, Dad.
367
00:15:04,271 --> 00:15:07,639
Marvin, if this another
tie, I'm gonna kill you.
368
00:15:17,082 --> 00:15:20,251
Well, looks like it's just
you and me, shadow.
369
00:15:22,454 --> 00:15:24,155
Shadow!
370
00:15:29,295 --> 00:15:31,362
Oh, hey, is, uh...
is Dylan back here?
371
00:15:31,364 --> 00:15:33,698
Sorry, Brian, Dylan says he
doesn't want to see you anymore.
372
00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:35,400
We're not allowed
to let you in.
373
00:15:35,402 --> 00:15:37,235
Well, you know what?
I'm sorry, too.
374
00:15:37,237 --> 00:15:39,437
For what?
For this!
375
00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:43,408
Yeah, you know, you probably
would've had a better shot
376
00:15:43,410 --> 00:15:44,742
if you hadn't yelled
"For this!"
377
00:15:44,744 --> 00:15:46,110
You know,
that-that kind of telegraphed
378
00:15:46,112 --> 00:15:47,378
what you were gonna do.
379
00:15:47,380 --> 00:15:48,646
Ah, Stewie,
it's no use.
380
00:15:48,648 --> 00:15:50,715
They're never
gonna let us in.
381
00:15:50,717 --> 00:15:52,483
Well, maybe
you can't get in,
382
00:15:52,485 --> 00:15:55,153
but I think I know
someone who can.
383
00:15:57,456 --> 00:15:58,890
Zac Sawyer?
384
00:15:58,892 --> 00:16:01,292
I'm Zac Sawyer. Say "when."
385
00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:02,593
Acting.
386
00:16:02,595 --> 00:16:06,464
Singing: pop, classical,
light opera, Italian.
387
00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:10,001
Dancing: classical, tap, jazz.
388
00:16:10,003 --> 00:16:12,470
Horse riding.
Can I? Yes.
389
00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:14,305
Accents: 13.
390
00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:16,341
South American, South African,
391
00:16:16,343 --> 00:16:18,776
British upper class,
British Cockney.
392
00:16:18,778 --> 00:16:20,912
"What, Govnah?"
Somebody gonna stop me?
393
00:16:20,914 --> 00:16:22,413
Fencing, nunchucks.
394
00:16:22,415 --> 00:16:25,183
Driving?
Yes. Automatic and standard...
395
00:16:25,185 --> 00:16:26,651
Okay, okay. Wow.
396
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:27,852
You're the worst.
397
00:16:27,854 --> 00:16:29,687
Welcome aboard.
398
00:16:33,258 --> 00:16:37,462
We now return to The
Love Boat with Somali Pirates.
399
00:16:37,464 --> 00:16:39,097
I am the captain now.
400
00:16:39,099 --> 00:16:40,765
Well, okay,
but that means
401
00:16:40,767 --> 00:16:43,368
you're in charge of getting
Mr. Devlin to admit
402
00:16:43,370 --> 00:16:44,869
that after 30 years,
403
00:16:44,871 --> 00:16:47,939
he still loves
Mrs. Devlin very much.
404
00:16:47,941 --> 00:16:50,341
That is not the captain's
responsibility!
405
00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:52,377
Well, maybe not where
you come from,
406
00:16:52,379 --> 00:16:54,345
but here on
the Love Boat...
407
00:16:55,614 --> 00:16:58,516
Now, who is Mr. Devlin?
408
00:16:58,518 --> 00:17:01,819
Try skinny-dipping with her
like when you were kids.
409
00:17:01,821 --> 00:17:03,855
Hey, Lois, if I was
gonna kill myself,
410
00:17:03,857 --> 00:17:06,457
do I slit my wrists
this way or this way?
411
00:17:06,459 --> 00:17:08,860
Sideways for attention,
long way for results!
412
00:17:08,862 --> 00:17:09,861
Meg is right.
413
00:17:09,863 --> 00:17:11,329
Okay, I'll be in
the garage.
414
00:17:11,331 --> 00:17:12,830
Peter, put that knife down.
415
00:17:12,832 --> 00:17:14,232
Lois, I don't
have any friends!
416
00:17:14,234 --> 00:17:15,400
So I'm gonna kill myself
417
00:17:15,402 --> 00:17:17,402
and get a full page
in the yearbook.
418
00:17:17,404 --> 00:17:19,237
Then they can't
ignore me.
419
00:17:19,239 --> 00:17:20,338
Who's that?
420
00:17:20,340 --> 00:17:21,973
I don't know.
421
00:17:25,844 --> 00:17:28,346
Okay, Zac, remember,
your character's name
422
00:17:28,348 --> 00:17:29,414
is Tevin Ashe-Taylor.
423
00:17:29,416 --> 00:17:31,349
You surf
and enjoy surfing.
424
00:17:31,351 --> 00:17:33,518
In this scene,
DJ Slopes is thinking
425
00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:35,019
of quitting
the detective agency,
426
00:17:35,021 --> 00:17:36,521
and you're like,
"No way."
427
00:17:36,523 --> 00:17:37,822
Got it.
428
00:17:38,824 --> 00:17:40,058
We're rolling!
429
00:17:40,060 --> 00:17:42,193
Listen, Tevin, I think
I just need more time
430
00:17:42,195 --> 00:17:43,728
to focus
on my snowboarding
431
00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:45,496
and Web series
about energy drinks.
432
00:17:45,498 --> 00:17:47,832
No, man, you got to stay
in the detective agency.
433
00:17:47,834 --> 00:17:50,234
It's what your dad
would want.
434
00:17:50,236 --> 00:17:52,203
What?
What are you talking about?
435
00:17:52,205 --> 00:17:53,704
What the hell's
that new kid doing?
436
00:17:53,706 --> 00:17:54,839
This isn't in the script.
437
00:17:54,841 --> 00:17:56,340
I'm talking about your dad, DJ.
438
00:17:56,342 --> 00:17:58,076
He sent me here with a message.
439
00:17:58,078 --> 00:18:01,079
He said he can't believe
he was so selfish.
440
00:18:01,081 --> 00:18:03,114
It's like you held
a mirror up to him
441
00:18:03,116 --> 00:18:06,417
and he could finally see how
poorly he'd been treating you.
442
00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:08,719
He didn't realize how lucky
he was...
443
00:18:08,721 --> 00:18:10,555
Stay on me,
camera one.
444
00:18:10,557 --> 00:18:12,723
...to have you
back in his life,
445
00:18:12,725 --> 00:18:16,060
and now he feels like
he's lost you all over again.
446
00:18:16,062 --> 00:18:19,263
But how do I know
he won't just hurt me again?
447
00:18:19,265 --> 00:18:21,399
You don't. You never know that.
448
00:18:21,401 --> 00:18:25,269
But isn't taking a risk
better than not having a dad?
449
00:18:25,271 --> 00:18:27,472
Yeah, I guess
you're right.
450
00:18:27,474 --> 00:18:29,907
You're damn right I am.
451
00:18:29,909 --> 00:18:31,275
Cut!
452
00:18:31,277 --> 00:18:33,544
You know, I don't know
where any of that came from,
453
00:18:33,546 --> 00:18:34,445
but I liked it.
454
00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:35,613
Who are you?
455
00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:37,148
I'm Zac Sawyer.
456
00:18:37,150 --> 00:18:38,950
And I go where I'm needed.
457
00:18:38,952 --> 00:18:43,721
Here I go again on my own
458
00:18:43,723 --> 00:18:48,126
Going down the only road
I've ever known.
459
00:18:48,128 --> 00:18:49,627
Where you headed?
460
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:51,129
Wherever I'm needed.
461
00:18:51,131 --> 00:18:52,930
No, no, it does
not work like that.
462
00:18:52,932 --> 00:18:54,632
I need to put
address in machine.
463
00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:57,001
Okay, maybe, you can
just take me home then.
464
00:18:57,003 --> 00:18:58,102
Where is home?
465
00:18:58,104 --> 00:18:59,437
I-I don't know.
466
00:18:59,439 --> 00:19:01,239
It's-it's my mom
and dad's house,
467
00:19:01,241 --> 00:19:02,807
but I don't
know the address!
468
00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:04,008
I take you airport.
469
00:19:04,010 --> 00:19:05,576
Okay!
470
00:19:08,814 --> 00:19:11,516
All right, Quagmire, I have
given this a lot of thought.
471
00:19:11,518 --> 00:19:13,751
I need you to shoot me
in the arm
472
00:19:13,753 --> 00:19:15,153
so we can be friends again.
473
00:19:15,155 --> 00:19:16,921
Okay.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
474
00:19:16,923 --> 00:19:18,322
No, no, I was supposed
to offer,
475
00:19:18,324 --> 00:19:20,324
and then you were supposed
to say, "No, Peter,
476
00:19:20,326 --> 00:19:21,526
"I'm not gonna shoot you,
477
00:19:21,528 --> 00:19:22,994
although I do appreciate
the gesture."
478
00:19:22,996 --> 00:19:24,595
Hand me the gun, Peter.
479
00:19:24,597 --> 00:19:26,998
I, uh... I passed the test?
480
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,834
No, Peter. I'm gonna shoot you
like a dirty animal.
481
00:19:29,836 --> 00:19:30,968
But-but just the fact
482
00:19:30,970 --> 00:19:33,304
that I would make the offer
is so meaningful to you.
483
00:19:33,306 --> 00:19:34,338
Your offer means
nothing, Peter.
484
00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:35,806
The only thing that
means anything to me
485
00:19:35,808 --> 00:19:37,542
is a bullet in your arm.
Now give me that!
486
00:19:37,544 --> 00:19:38,809
Stop! Stop!
Quagmire, let go!
487
00:19:38,811 --> 00:19:40,278
Come on! You're not leaving
here without being shot!
488
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:41,546
Look, I was trying
to do the decent thing,
489
00:19:41,548 --> 00:19:42,880
like you'd see in a movie!
490
00:19:42,882 --> 00:19:44,148
I'm putting that bullet
in your arm, Peter!
491
00:19:44,150 --> 00:19:45,783
Ah! Son of a bitch!
492
00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:47,952
It's over.
We're all friends again.
493
00:19:47,954 --> 00:19:49,187
What the hell, Joe?!
494
00:19:49,189 --> 00:19:50,788
I'm just trying
to settle this nonsense.
495
00:19:50,790 --> 00:19:52,023
Nothing got settled!
You shot him!
496
00:19:52,025 --> 00:19:53,624
I'm the one who
has to shoot him!
497
00:19:53,626 --> 00:19:56,294
Wait a second. All right, then
I get to shoot Joe, all right?
498
00:19:56,296 --> 00:20:00,398
He shot me! I mean, if we're
doing things fair here, then...
499
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:02,733
All right, we're good.
500
00:20:07,706 --> 00:20:08,639
Hey, Dad.
501
00:20:08,641 --> 00:20:09,707
Dylan?
502
00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:10,975
I went to your house,
503
00:20:10,977 --> 00:20:12,743
and Chris told me
you'd be here.
504
00:20:12,745 --> 00:20:15,413
Look, Dylan, I-I'm really sorry
I hurt you.
505
00:20:15,415 --> 00:20:18,916
I've been a really bad father,
like Ernest Hemmingway
506
00:20:18,918 --> 00:20:20,318
or-or some other great writer.
507
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:21,986
But if-if you'll give me
a chance,
508
00:20:21,988 --> 00:20:24,555
I-I'd like
to try to change that.
509
00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:26,591
I'd like that, too, Dad.
510
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:42,340
Peter, I'm so glad you patched
things up with your friends.
511
00:20:42,342 --> 00:20:45,109
Have I told you
that we're all friends again?
512
00:20:45,111 --> 00:20:47,878
Yes, Peter, we were just
talking about it.
513
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:52,550
They're gonna take me
to the zoo and roll me around.
514
00:20:52,552 --> 00:20:55,086
We're all friends again.37414
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