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1
00:00:02,035 --> 00:00:05,004
It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,006 --> 00:00:08,207
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,209 --> 00:00:11,877
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,879 --> 00:00:14,880
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,882 --> 00:00:18,350
Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:21,720
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
7
00:00:21,722 --> 00:00:23,288
All the things that make us
8
00:00:23,290 --> 00:00:24,690
Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,692 --> 00:00:30,462
He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
10
00:00:34,667 --> 00:00:37,002
MAN
We now return to An Early Draft
11
00:00:37,004 --> 00:00:39,204
of A Streetcar Named Desire.
12
00:00:39,206 --> 00:00:42,975
Deb? Deb!
13
00:00:42,977 --> 00:00:46,011
Debbie!
14
00:00:46,013 --> 00:00:47,312
Good night, Lois.
15
00:00:47,314 --> 00:00:49,148
Sorry about hitting
you at dinner.
16
00:00:49,150 --> 00:00:51,316
It was nice of the manager
not to call the cops.
17
00:00:51,318 --> 00:00:52,684
Yeah, it worked out.
18
00:00:52,686 --> 00:00:54,219
Happy anniversary.
19
00:00:54,221 --> 00:00:56,188
Hey, hey!
20
00:00:56,190 --> 00:00:57,523
I can't remember if I'm supposed
21
00:00:57,525 --> 00:00:59,258
to sleep on my stomach
or my back.
22
00:00:59,260 --> 00:01:01,226
What does
the current literature say?
23
00:01:01,228 --> 00:01:02,694
Peter, go check
on Stewie.
24
00:01:02,696 --> 00:01:04,763
Fine.
25
00:01:04,765 --> 00:01:07,032
Oh, my God, look at you.
26
00:01:07,034 --> 00:01:08,267
You're out of breath.
27
00:01:08,269 --> 00:01:10,769
It's 15 feet
from your door to mine.
28
00:01:10,771 --> 00:01:12,204
Aw, what's the matter, Stewie?
29
00:01:12,206 --> 00:01:13,572
You a little scared in here?
30
00:01:13,574 --> 00:01:15,374
Don't worry,
there's no monsters.
31
00:01:15,376 --> 00:01:16,909
Of course there's
no monsters.
32
00:01:16,911 --> 00:01:18,343
Or are you worried
about what happened
33
00:01:18,345 --> 00:01:19,912
to that family
down the street?
34
00:01:19,914 --> 00:01:22,281
Those three guys broke in,
beat up the father
35
00:01:22,283 --> 00:01:24,383
with a croquet mallet,
and then stole the baby,
36
00:01:24,385 --> 00:01:26,418
and nobody knows
where the baby is now?
37
00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:28,087
Is that what you're
thinking about, buddy?
38
00:01:28,089 --> 00:01:29,588
I am now!
39
00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:32,391
Tell you what, Daddy'll
read you a bedtime story.
40
00:01:32,393 --> 00:01:33,759
Ah, let's see.
41
00:01:33,761 --> 00:01:35,761
Dr. Seuss, Peter Rabbit...
42
00:01:35,763 --> 00:01:38,764
Ah, here we go,
James Michener's Hawaii.
43
00:01:38,766 --> 00:01:40,966
Let's skip three feet in.
44
00:01:40,968 --> 00:01:42,901
Aah, Pearl Harbor!
45
00:01:42,903 --> 00:01:44,736
Okay, let's see, uh...
46
00:01:44,738 --> 00:01:45,771
Ah, here we go.
47
00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:47,773
Fairy Tales.
48
00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:50,709
Oh, not on your lap.
49
00:01:50,711 --> 00:01:53,312
Aah, gross!
50
00:01:53,314 --> 00:01:55,247
"Jack and the Beanstalk."
51
00:01:55,249 --> 00:01:57,749
Now, that title could be
a fairy tale or a porn.
52
00:01:57,751 --> 00:01:59,885
Let's find out.
53
00:02:08,928 --> 00:02:11,163
Jack, we need to put
food on the table.
54
00:02:11,165 --> 00:02:12,498
Oh, give me a break, Wife.
55
00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:14,333
You know, if you could
spin straw into gold
56
00:02:14,335 --> 00:02:16,568
or-or maybe meth,
I wouldn't need a job.
57
00:02:16,570 --> 00:02:17,836
Well, then, sell the cow!
58
00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:19,972
And be sure you get
real money for it.
59
00:02:19,974 --> 00:02:21,340
What else would I get?
60
00:02:21,342 --> 00:02:23,342
I don't know... magic beans?
61
00:02:23,344 --> 00:02:24,843
There are magic beans?
62
00:02:24,845 --> 00:02:25,844
I don't know.
63
00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:27,246
Who cares?
64
00:02:27,248 --> 00:02:29,014
Well, what's
magic about them?
65
00:02:29,016 --> 00:02:31,183
Don't get magic
beans, you idiot.
66
00:02:31,185 --> 00:02:32,751
What? I-I'd never
even freaking heard
67
00:02:32,753 --> 00:02:34,353
of magic beans
till you said them.
68
00:02:34,355 --> 00:02:37,089
If I do get them,
it's you what caused it.
69
00:02:41,961 --> 00:02:43,362
So, you're selling me?
70
00:02:43,364 --> 00:02:45,297
Yeah, well, you heard
her back there.
71
00:02:45,299 --> 00:02:48,800
She wants her stupid magic beans
so the whole world has to stop.
72
00:02:48,802 --> 00:02:50,169
Halt, travelers!
73
00:02:50,171 --> 00:02:51,436
Oh, my God!
74
00:02:51,438 --> 00:02:52,871
Why do you look like that?
75
00:02:52,873 --> 00:02:55,340
Ah, all of these stories
were written by Germans.
76
00:02:55,342 --> 00:02:58,477
But nobody can cross my bridge
without paying a toll.
77
00:02:58,479 --> 00:02:59,945
A toll? Like what?
78
00:02:59,947 --> 00:03:01,847
You have to name three
great Jewish athletes
79
00:03:01,849 --> 00:03:04,449
or pay a thousand
gold coins.
80
00:03:04,451 --> 00:03:06,652
Uh, Hank Greenberg,
81
00:03:06,654 --> 00:03:08,187
Sandy Koufax
82
00:03:08,189 --> 00:03:10,222
and, uh, Gal Fridman,
83
00:03:10,224 --> 00:03:11,790
Olympic windsurfer.
84
00:03:11,792 --> 00:03:13,058
Took gold in Athens in 2000
85
00:03:13,060 --> 00:03:14,893
and the bronze
in Atlanta in '96.
86
00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:16,895
I can see you're
on your phone.
87
00:03:16,897 --> 00:03:18,664
Oh, come on,
I'm supposed to go into town
88
00:03:18,666 --> 00:03:19,998
and sell this cow.
89
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:21,700
Ooh, you're selling that cow?
90
00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:25,037
I don't have much, but I'll give
you some magic beans for it.
91
00:03:26,673 --> 00:03:30,242
That's exactly
what I was supposed to get!
92
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,412
I said not magic beans.
93
00:03:33,414 --> 00:03:35,347
Look, le-let's
just admit we both
94
00:03:35,349 --> 00:03:36,848
kind of got our
wires crossed,
95
00:03:36,850 --> 00:03:39,184
and commit to being
clearer in the future.
96
00:03:39,186 --> 00:03:41,587
Jack, I'm sick of your
irresponsible behavior.
97
00:03:41,589 --> 00:03:44,089
Like when you were supposed
to be babysitting Georgie Porgie
98
00:03:44,091 --> 00:03:46,592
and his sleazy brother
Rick Porgie.
99
00:03:46,594 --> 00:03:49,261
Hey, Rick, you want to kiss
some girls and make them cry?
100
00:03:49,263 --> 00:03:52,664
No, but let's thumb-blast them
and make them puke.
101
00:03:52,666 --> 00:03:54,900
What the hell are we supposed
to do with these anyway?
102
00:03:54,902 --> 00:03:57,169
I knew you'd be mad, so
I've asked the band Heart
103
00:03:57,171 --> 00:04:00,239
to explain these beans in a
way you can dreamily digest.
104
00:04:00,241 --> 00:04:02,507
These beans
105
00:04:02,509 --> 00:04:06,511
Go on when I close my eyes
106
00:04:06,513 --> 00:04:09,581
Every second of the night
107
00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:12,618
I live another life
108
00:04:12,620 --> 00:04:18,290
These beans that sleep
when it's cold outside.
109
00:04:18,292 --> 00:04:21,860
They changed the word
"dreams" to "beans."
110
00:04:21,862 --> 00:04:24,563
I-I was hoping they'd
change a few more words
111
00:04:24,565 --> 00:04:26,298
to pertain to our situation,
112
00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:28,533
but I-I-I'm just
happy they did this.
113
00:04:28,535 --> 00:04:29,801
Jack, this is ridiculous.
114
00:04:29,803 --> 00:04:31,737
Tomorrow I want you
to go back out there
115
00:04:31,739 --> 00:04:34,439
and look for a job
that pays actual money.
116
00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:36,475
These things are worthless.
117
00:04:38,378 --> 00:04:40,545
I know she's gone,
but can you do the other one?
118
00:04:40,547 --> 00:04:42,648
What about beans?
119
00:04:42,650 --> 00:04:46,985
Don't you want someone
to care about you?
120
00:05:00,434 --> 00:05:02,734
"Mary Davis gives birth to...
121
00:05:02,736 --> 00:05:04,736
lamb?"
122
00:05:04,738 --> 00:05:07,005
Holy crap!
123
00:05:15,748 --> 00:05:17,683
Oh, my God!
124
00:05:17,685 --> 00:05:19,284
Wha-What is that?
125
00:05:19,286 --> 00:05:22,521
I think those magic beans
grew into a giant beanstalk.
126
00:05:22,523 --> 00:05:24,256
Hey, where the hell'd
that thing come from?
127
00:05:24,258 --> 00:05:26,758
It's blocking my view of
Little Miss Muffet's tuffet.
128
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:28,927
Ooh, isn't my tuffet soft
129
00:05:28,929 --> 00:05:30,829
and pink and wonderful?
130
00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:32,631
Ah, damn it!
I need to see that
131
00:05:32,633 --> 00:05:34,299
so I can make curds and whey.
132
00:05:34,301 --> 00:05:35,767
Relax, Rumpleforeskin.
133
00:05:35,769 --> 00:05:38,437
This is a magic beanstalk
that grew overnight.
134
00:05:38,439 --> 00:05:39,638
And I'm gonna climb it.
135
00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:41,106
Jack, what are you
talking about?
136
00:05:41,108 --> 00:05:42,774
You can't climb all
the way up there.
137
00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:44,276
I have to.
138
00:05:44,278 --> 00:05:46,178
My old gym coach is over there
with a whistle.
139
00:05:47,181 --> 00:05:48,947
Come on, Jack,
your brother was
140
00:05:48,949 --> 00:05:50,515
varsity beanstalk climbing.
141
00:05:50,517 --> 00:05:52,884
He's dead!
142
00:06:04,130 --> 00:06:06,865
And now to throw
this handful of change down
143
00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:09,801
because I'm a psychopath.
144
00:06:09,803 --> 00:06:11,036
Aah, damn it!
145
00:06:11,038 --> 00:06:13,071
Thank you!
146
00:06:14,742 --> 00:06:17,242
I say, who the
devil are you? Go away!
147
00:06:17,244 --> 00:06:18,477
Aw, I-I'm sorry.
148
00:06:18,479 --> 00:06:20,011
Are you taking
a goose poop?
149
00:06:20,013 --> 00:06:21,747
I'm not defecating,
you nitwit.
150
00:06:21,749 --> 00:06:22,814
I'm laying an egg.
151
00:06:27,487 --> 00:06:29,588
Golden eggs!
152
00:06:29,590 --> 00:06:31,156
Oh, my God!
153
00:06:31,158 --> 00:06:32,724
This is probably
what famous black rappers
154
00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:35,560
eat for breakfast.
155
00:06:35,562 --> 00:06:37,596
Who goes there?!
156
00:06:37,598 --> 00:06:40,432
Oh, boy.
You woke up dum-dum.
157
00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:44,202
Fee-fi-fo-fum.
158
00:06:44,204 --> 00:06:47,939
I smell the blood
of an English man.
159
00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:50,609
It's odd that you would speak
gibberish of your own choosing
160
00:06:50,611 --> 00:06:52,377
and not make it rhyme.
161
00:06:52,379 --> 00:06:53,945
How did you get here?
162
00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:55,046
By beanstalk.
163
00:06:55,048 --> 00:06:56,348
How did you get up here?
164
00:06:56,350 --> 00:06:58,283
This is just a house
floating in the air.
165
00:06:58,285 --> 00:06:59,885
I fell from a higher cloud.
166
00:06:59,887 --> 00:07:01,887
That is not what happened.
H-He's out of his mind.
167
00:07:01,889 --> 00:07:04,623
He just sits in his room all
day and inhales hair spray.
168
00:07:04,625 --> 00:07:06,925
Well, you can't have my goose.
169
00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:09,127
Okay, two men
fighting over me.
170
00:07:09,129 --> 00:07:10,729
Neat.
171
00:07:10,731 --> 00:07:12,397
All right, we're just gonna
have to quietly run away.
172
00:07:12,399 --> 00:07:13,899
I'll create a diversion.
173
00:07:13,901 --> 00:07:15,233
Aah! Look at me!
174
00:07:15,235 --> 00:07:16,568
Look at me! Look at me!
175
00:07:16,570 --> 00:07:17,869
Aah!
176
00:07:39,492 --> 00:07:40,826
Damn beanstalk.
177
00:07:40,828 --> 00:07:42,461
Hey, Little Boy Brown!
178
00:07:42,463 --> 00:07:44,129
You said you were
gonna help me saw.
179
00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:45,997
I can't
find no gloves!
180
00:07:49,435 --> 00:07:51,536
Aah!
181
00:08:04,750 --> 00:08:06,251
Aah!
182
00:08:11,457 --> 00:08:13,959
Jack six, giant zero.
183
00:08:13,961 --> 00:08:16,495
What? What? Why-why
is that six points?
184
00:08:16,497 --> 00:08:18,029
Oh, Jack, you're safe.
185
00:08:18,031 --> 00:08:19,664
I was so worried.
186
00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:21,199
And I got this golden goose.
187
00:08:21,201 --> 00:08:23,201
Our troubles are over.
188
00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:25,103
Well, our-our money
troubles are over.
189
00:08:25,105 --> 00:08:28,740
Our sexual troubles are still...
are still very much alive.
190
00:08:35,014 --> 00:08:37,816
Now we wait.
191
00:08:37,818 --> 00:08:39,284
"The end."
192
00:08:39,286 --> 00:08:41,219
So, the lesson there is
if you steal,
193
00:08:41,221 --> 00:08:43,188
you better be ready
to murder, too.
194
00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:45,390
What do you say
we read another one?
195
00:08:45,392 --> 00:08:48,226
Wow, you got a great view
into Bonnie's window from here.
196
00:08:48,228 --> 00:08:50,362
Man, how do you get
any work done?
197
00:08:50,364 --> 00:08:52,297
What do you mean?
Lois is prettier than Bonnie.
198
00:08:52,299 --> 00:08:53,632
Oh, I get it.
199
00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:54,833
It's worse, but it's different.
200
00:08:54,835 --> 00:08:55,967
Okay, all right,
so that's something.
201
00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:57,202
Okay.
202
00:09:03,009 --> 00:09:05,343
So I got out of the
car to take a leak,
203
00:09:05,345 --> 00:09:07,078
because I'd been drinking,
and I didn't know
204
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:08,547
it was next to a
children's park.
205
00:09:08,549 --> 00:09:09,881
But anyway, that's
why this lady
206
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:12,017
has to watch whenever
I play with you.
207
00:09:12,019 --> 00:09:13,485
Both hands
on the book, please.
208
00:09:13,487 --> 00:09:15,520
It's my son!
Come on!
209
00:09:15,522 --> 00:09:16,521
Geez!
210
00:09:16,523 --> 00:09:18,189
Thank you, Maya.
211
00:09:18,191 --> 00:09:21,560
All right, the next story is
"Little Red Riding Hood."
212
00:09:25,932 --> 00:09:28,033
Red Riding Hood
was choosing her clothes
213
00:09:28,035 --> 00:09:30,502
for a journey
across the forest.
214
00:09:30,504 --> 00:09:31,736
You know, if I had the guts,
215
00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:33,371
I would be
Little White Turtleneck.
216
00:09:33,373 --> 00:09:35,373
And by "guts," I mean "body."
217
00:09:35,375 --> 00:09:39,177
Red, don't forget this basket
of food for Grandma.
218
00:09:39,179 --> 00:09:41,079
This whole thing is
way too heavy.
219
00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:43,214
Wh-Why are you putting
a bag of ice in here?
220
00:09:43,216 --> 00:09:46,451
Is this... is this
a Coors Party Ball?
221
00:09:46,453 --> 00:09:47,752
Is Grandma going
to be entertaining
222
00:09:47,754 --> 00:09:49,788
Florida Jet Ski people?
223
00:09:49,790 --> 00:09:52,390
Remember, stay on the path
and you'll be fine.
224
00:09:52,392 --> 00:09:54,593
Oh, yes, great advice
from mother of the year.
225
00:09:54,595 --> 00:09:58,363
You do realize Grandma
lives 68 miles away, right?
226
00:09:58,365 --> 00:10:01,032
You-you're sending your
child out there to die.
227
00:10:04,136 --> 00:10:05,770
Tra-la-la-la-la
228
00:10:05,772 --> 00:10:08,039
Skipping song,
skipping song
229
00:10:08,041 --> 00:10:10,642
No one's here
to call me gay.
230
00:10:10,644 --> 00:10:12,944
If you were my son,
I would kill you.
231
00:10:12,946 --> 00:10:15,747
Really? Because I hear
your son is a sap.
232
00:10:16,984 --> 00:10:18,416
If you're gonna
hit the king,
233
00:10:18,418 --> 00:10:20,652
you better kill the king.
234
00:10:30,097 --> 00:10:31,162
Oh, hey.
235
00:10:31,164 --> 00:10:32,564
You're the wolf, right?
236
00:10:32,566 --> 00:10:34,132
Yup, and don't forget
"big" and "bad."
237
00:10:35,802 --> 00:10:37,168
Nah.
238
00:10:39,839 --> 00:10:43,174
So, um, what happened with you
and those three little pigs?
239
00:10:43,176 --> 00:10:45,143
Wh-Why did you want
to eat them so badly?
240
00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:48,446
It-it's so amazing that that's
what people think happened.
241
00:10:48,448 --> 00:10:50,615
First of all, I didn't want
to eat them, all right?
242
00:10:50,617 --> 00:10:52,017
I wanted to talk
to one of them.
243
00:10:52,019 --> 00:10:53,151
About what?
244
00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:54,352
Well, she was
my ex-girlfriend,
245
00:10:54,354 --> 00:10:56,821
and I believed
I was due an explanation
246
00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:59,090
about why she was
such a whore.
247
00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:00,859
All right, well, I'm
off to my grandmother's,
248
00:11:00,861 --> 00:11:03,528
but before I go, I better
take a deep-woods dump.
249
00:11:03,530 --> 00:11:06,031
Her bathroom is right
off the dining room.
250
00:11:06,033 --> 00:11:10,168
So, it's either now
or three days from now.
251
00:11:13,205 --> 00:11:14,706
Where are you going, dear?
252
00:11:14,708 --> 00:11:17,008
I got to go check
on my shoe apartment complex.
253
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:19,778
Old woman breeds
like a gopher.
254
00:11:23,849 --> 00:11:25,884
Hello?
Is anyone home?
255
00:11:25,886 --> 00:11:28,620
Ay, no, no.
256
00:11:28,622 --> 00:11:31,856
I can hear
the muffled Mexican music.
257
00:11:32,992 --> 00:11:34,626
Look, if you guys
don't shape up,
258
00:11:34,628 --> 00:11:35,827
I'm gonna rent this place
259
00:11:35,829 --> 00:11:38,129
to Goldilocks
and the three bears.
260
00:11:38,131 --> 00:11:40,031
Ooh, this is nice.
261
00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:42,734
It's every bit as
darling as you said.
262
00:11:42,736 --> 00:11:44,903
They're gonna
fix up the place.
263
00:11:49,676 --> 00:11:51,309
Who is it?
264
00:11:51,311 --> 00:11:53,211
It's your granddaughter, Red.
265
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:54,813
How do I know it's you?
266
00:11:54,815 --> 00:11:56,514
Oh, come on, that's
a perfect imitation.
267
00:11:56,516 --> 00:11:59,884
Open up. I brought strawberry
shortcake and Cool Whip.
268
00:11:59,886 --> 00:12:00,919
And what?
269
00:12:00,921 --> 00:12:02,487
Oh, sorry.
I mean Cool Hwhip.
270
00:12:02,489 --> 00:12:05,223
That's my little girl.
271
00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:08,426
Oh, my!
272
00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:16,568
Come in.
273
00:12:16,570 --> 00:12:18,169
Who the hell are you?
274
00:12:18,171 --> 00:12:19,871
Why, your grandma,
of course.
275
00:12:19,873 --> 00:12:20,939
All right, fine.
276
00:12:20,941 --> 00:12:22,207
I guess we're doing this.
277
00:12:22,209 --> 00:12:24,743
My, what big eyes
you have, Grandma.
278
00:12:24,745 --> 00:12:27,178
All the better
to see you with, my dear.
279
00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:28,880
My, what big...
You know what?
280
00:12:28,882 --> 00:12:30,215
I-I'm sorry, I-I can't.
281
00:12:30,217 --> 00:12:32,550
I-I can't do this.
I-I'm not an idiot.
282
00:12:32,552 --> 00:12:34,085
My grandma is a human woman.
283
00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:35,854
How-how was this ever a scene?
284
00:12:35,856 --> 00:12:37,055
All right, fine, yes.
285
00:12:37,057 --> 00:12:38,256
It's me, the wolf.
286
00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:39,691
Must we go through
this charade?
287
00:12:39,693 --> 00:12:40,925
It's insulting.
288
00:12:40,927 --> 00:12:42,260
I don't know
why you're complaining.
289
00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:43,561
I'm the one who's about
290
00:12:43,563 --> 00:12:45,296
to get violently bisected
by the woodsman.
291
00:12:45,298 --> 00:12:47,132
What woodsman?
292
00:12:47,134 --> 00:12:50,101
Ha-ha!
293
00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:02,781
You know, I'm not sure
if that's our hero
294
00:13:02,783 --> 00:13:04,115
or just a lunatic
295
00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:05,617
going house to house
murdering people.
296
00:13:05,619 --> 00:13:07,152
Ha-ha!
297
00:13:11,491 --> 00:13:12,891
Yeah, he-he-he
just did it again.
298
00:13:12,893 --> 00:13:14,159
I think we should...
299
00:13:14,161 --> 00:13:16,327
I think we should call somebody.
300
00:13:23,669 --> 00:13:25,904
Aw, look at the little guy.
301
00:13:25,906 --> 00:13:27,839
So peaceful.
302
00:13:27,841 --> 00:13:29,340
Hey! Wake up! We got one more!
303
00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:33,478
Now, if this don't get you
to sleep, nothing will.
304
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:36,815
"Cinderella"
by nobody remembers.
305
00:13:38,851 --> 00:13:41,753
A long time ago,
in a magical, faraway land,
306
00:13:41,755 --> 00:13:45,290
several women lived together
and, surprise, surprise,
307
00:13:45,292 --> 00:13:47,592
they didn't exactly get along.
308
00:13:49,628 --> 00:13:52,330
Hey, Cinderella,
how's the scrubbing going?
309
00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:55,099
God, we have so few female
characters to work with.
310
00:13:55,101 --> 00:13:56,968
You just keep scrubbing
that poo spot
311
00:13:56,970 --> 00:13:59,204
so I can come back
and poo on that spot again.
312
00:13:59,206 --> 00:14:02,207
You guys are gonna regret
being mean to me someday.
313
00:14:02,209 --> 00:14:03,842
Mean to you? Us?
314
00:14:03,844 --> 00:14:06,377
When are we ever
mean to you?
315
00:14:06,379 --> 00:14:08,313
Remember the time
you told King Midas
316
00:14:08,315 --> 00:14:10,014
to go to third base with me?
317
00:14:10,016 --> 00:14:11,850
Now I'm dealing with this.
318
00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:15,553
I dated him, too.
319
00:14:21,994 --> 00:14:24,963
It's so unfair that we're called
the "evil" stepsisters.
320
00:14:24,965 --> 00:14:27,031
Yeah, I mean,
you'd be evil, too,
321
00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:29,033
if your stepdad was
Bruce Jenner.
322
00:14:29,035 --> 00:14:32,537
Hey, girls, feel my cheek,
it's like a bottom!
323
00:14:34,574 --> 00:14:36,374
He stole me horn!
324
00:14:39,812 --> 00:14:41,512
Well, I don't,
I don't know what that was,
325
00:14:41,514 --> 00:14:44,082
but th-the first one has
a parchment from the Charmings.
326
00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:48,253
It's an invite to a party
for the prince!
327
00:14:48,255 --> 00:14:49,754
I hear he's looking
for someone
328
00:14:49,756 --> 00:14:51,155
to spend the rest
of his life with.
329
00:14:51,157 --> 00:14:52,857
Well, it won't be you.
330
00:14:52,859 --> 00:14:55,560
Yeah, there's a reason this
story's not called "Cinderella."
331
00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:56,995
Actually, it is.
332
00:14:56,997 --> 00:15:00,098
Ah, that does not
bode well for us.
333
00:15:04,203 --> 00:15:06,271
Now, since we're all
planning on drinking,
334
00:15:06,273 --> 00:15:08,373
I called us a pumpkin.
335
00:15:08,375 --> 00:15:09,774
Wait for me!
336
00:15:13,212 --> 00:15:15,380
You said, if I had
a nice dress,
337
00:15:15,382 --> 00:15:16,781
I could go to the ball.
338
00:15:16,783 --> 00:15:19,050
How did you even make
that dress so fast?
339
00:15:19,052 --> 00:15:21,519
Oh, you know,
I-I have an eye for fashion,
340
00:15:21,521 --> 00:15:23,755
and I'm pretty good
with my hands.
341
00:15:23,757 --> 00:15:25,290
Unbelievable.
342
00:15:25,292 --> 00:15:27,358
Now I'm worried about that
screenplay we gave her.
343
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:28,960
You're not going
to the ball!
344
00:15:28,962 --> 00:15:31,863
It's for ladies,
not scumbag nobodies.
345
00:15:31,865 --> 00:15:35,633
Girls, shred her dress and
divvy it up for monthlies.
346
00:15:49,249 --> 00:15:51,149
Well, that's
not cool, either.
347
00:15:51,151 --> 00:15:52,984
They're all kind of bitches.
348
00:15:56,655 --> 00:16:00,124
And then they ripped up my dress
so now I have nothing to wear.
349
00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:03,294
Well, sometimes
"nothing to wear" is a fun time.
350
00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:05,496
You know, just get weird.
351
00:16:07,433 --> 00:16:10,568
Cinderella, I am
your fairy godmother.
352
00:16:10,570 --> 00:16:14,272
"Fairy" in the magical sense,
not about kissing guys.
353
00:16:14,274 --> 00:16:16,074
Oh, my God!
354
00:16:16,076 --> 00:16:19,077
I want that bitch Snow White to
just admit she had an abortion.
355
00:16:19,079 --> 00:16:20,478
Whoa, whoa!
356
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,780
I was thinking more like
a new dress for the party.
357
00:16:22,782 --> 00:16:24,415
Or a bunch of chew toys.
358
00:16:24,417 --> 00:16:25,583
Your choice.
359
00:16:25,585 --> 00:16:26,951
Chew toys.
Take the chew toys.
360
00:16:26,953 --> 00:16:28,319
A new dress?
361
00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:30,688
Well, that means I
could go to the ball!
362
00:16:35,260 --> 00:16:37,595
Oh, what a beautiful dress.
363
00:16:37,597 --> 00:16:39,297
B-But how will I
get to the ball?
364
00:16:39,299 --> 00:16:41,866
I-I don't have a horse
or a carriage.
365
00:16:47,674 --> 00:16:50,341
Oh, yeah, that's... yeah,
just change me into whatever.
366
00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:51,876
Yeah, that's cool. Thanks.
367
00:16:51,878 --> 00:16:53,678
Well, is everything
all right in here...?
368
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:57,348
This hurts! This hurts!
369
00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:08,493
This ball is kind of lame.
370
00:17:08,495 --> 00:17:11,295
All these royal types
are inbreeding, walleyed,
371
00:17:11,297 --> 00:17:13,564
bucktooth monsters
who have to be wheeled around
372
00:17:13,566 --> 00:17:14,699
under a blanket.
373
00:17:14,701 --> 00:17:17,568
I say! Wherever is Grandmum-mum?
374
00:17:17,570 --> 00:17:20,872
She would so enjoy
the festoonities!
375
00:17:20,874 --> 00:17:22,240
That's not a word, sir.
376
00:17:22,242 --> 00:17:25,376
My mind races from the damp!
377
00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:26,644
Hey, how are you?
378
00:17:26,646 --> 00:17:28,679
Hey, hi, there.
Thanks for coming.
379
00:17:28,681 --> 00:17:31,916
These are my daughters,
and they will do anything
380
00:17:31,918 --> 00:17:34,986
to be your princess,
right, girls?
381
00:17:34,988 --> 00:17:36,487
See anything
you like?
382
00:17:36,489 --> 00:17:39,057
Oh, I'm so fancy
and moist.
383
00:17:39,059 --> 00:17:40,525
Ew, you guys are gross.
384
00:17:40,527 --> 00:17:43,094
But stick around in case
I don't find anyone else.
385
00:17:48,767 --> 00:17:52,003
Okay, first of all,
obviously the dress.
386
00:17:52,005 --> 00:17:53,337
Wow.
387
00:17:53,339 --> 00:17:55,373
And you smell slightly
less worse
388
00:17:55,375 --> 00:17:57,175
than everyone else
in the kingdom.
389
00:17:57,177 --> 00:17:59,777
Oh, why, thank you,
I just bathed last year.
390
00:18:25,071 --> 00:18:26,404
Hey, wh-where you going?
391
00:18:26,406 --> 00:18:27,371
Come back here!
392
00:18:27,373 --> 00:18:28,739
You brushed up against it!
393
00:18:28,741 --> 00:18:30,708
You got to take care of it now!
394
00:18:39,818 --> 00:18:42,687
Wait, wait, you forgot
your glass slipper.
395
00:18:45,791 --> 00:18:47,058
And a box of condoms.
396
00:18:47,060 --> 00:18:50,161
Aw, man!
Things were gonna happen.
397
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:58,069
We almost kissed.
398
00:18:58,071 --> 00:19:00,471
Why couldn't the magic have
lasted five more minutes?
399
00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:03,508
Now I'll never get to be
a rich, do-nothing wife.
400
00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:07,178
Sorry your dreams
haven't come true.
401
00:19:13,785 --> 00:19:16,587
My lord, there is no sign
of her, and we searched far.
402
00:19:16,589 --> 00:19:18,523
Did you search wide?
No.
403
00:19:18,525 --> 00:19:20,992
You got to search wide,
that's like half of it.
404
00:19:23,096 --> 00:19:25,329
And so the prince searched
all over the kingdom
405
00:19:25,331 --> 00:19:27,031
for the foot
that fit the glass slipper.
406
00:19:27,033 --> 00:19:28,533
Well, not "all" over.
407
00:19:28,535 --> 00:19:31,469
He skipped the, uh,
south side of town,
408
00:19:31,471 --> 00:19:33,271
which, uh, even
in fairy tale times,
409
00:19:33,273 --> 00:19:35,173
was, um...
410
00:19:35,175 --> 00:19:37,441
let's just say "loud."
411
00:19:41,146 --> 00:19:44,315
And so, whoever fits in this
slipper will be my princess.
412
00:19:44,317 --> 00:19:46,184
Or prince.
413
00:19:46,186 --> 00:19:47,885
I'm bi.
414
00:19:47,887 --> 00:19:49,854
Oh, there's my slipper!
415
00:19:49,856 --> 00:19:51,355
Oh, I've been looking
all over for it.
416
00:19:51,357 --> 00:19:54,158
Well, when I'm not
doing gymnastics.
417
00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:56,060
This could be your life.
418
00:19:56,062 --> 00:19:58,062
Enough!
419
00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:01,299
It's you.
420
00:20:01,301 --> 00:20:02,900
Her?
421
00:20:13,312 --> 00:20:16,147
I can't wait to make love
to you a hundred years
422
00:20:16,149 --> 00:20:19,550
before the invention
of toilet paper.
423
00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:22,520
And so, two people who danced
together one time
424
00:20:22,522 --> 00:20:25,489
entered into an ill-advised,
long-term relationship.
425
00:20:25,491 --> 00:20:28,426
And they lived happily ever
after for seven months
426
00:20:28,428 --> 00:20:31,162
and then separated with
the goal of fixing themselves
427
00:20:31,164 --> 00:20:32,763
and getting back together.
428
00:20:32,765 --> 00:20:34,665
They got into a huge fight
when his mom got sick.
429
00:20:34,667 --> 00:20:36,867
And now they don't even follow
each other on Twitter.
430
00:20:36,869 --> 00:20:38,769
The end.
431
00:20:45,377 --> 00:20:48,613
Good night, Stewie.
432
00:20:48,615 --> 00:20:51,449
Good night, Chris.
433
00:20:52,684 --> 00:20:55,052
Good night, Meg.
434
00:20:57,390 --> 00:20:59,824
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