Original subtitles

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!

MAN We now return to An Early Draft

of A Streetcar Named Desire.

Deb? Deb!

Debbie!

Good night, Lois.

Sorry about hitting you at dinner.

It was nice of the manager not to call the cops.

Yeah, it worked out.

Happy anniversary.

Hey, hey!

I can't remember if I'm supposed

to sleep on my stomach or my back.

What does the current literature say?

Peter, go check on Stewie.

Fine.

Oh, my God, look at you.

You're out of breath.

It's 15 feet from your door to mine.

Aw, what's the matter, Stewie?

You a little scared in here?

Don't worry, there's no monsters.

Of course there's no monsters.

Or are you worried about what happened

to that family down the street?

Those three guys broke in, beat up the father

with a croquet mallet, and then stole the baby,

and nobody knows where the baby is now?

Is that what you're thinking about, buddy?

I am now!

Tell you what, Daddy'll read you a bedtime story.

Ah, let's see.

Dr. Seuss, Peter Rabbit...

Ah, here we go, James Michener's Hawaii.

Let's skip three feet in.

Aah, Pearl Harbor!

Okay, let's see, uh...

Ah, here we go.

Fairy Tales.

Oh, not on your lap.

Aah, gross!

"Jack and the Beanstalk."

Now, that title could be a fairy tale or a porn.

Let's find out.

Jack, we need to put food on the table.

Oh, give me a break, Wife.

You know, if you could spin straw into gold

or-or maybe meth, I wouldn't need a job.

Well, then, sell the cow!

And be sure you get real money for it.

What else would I get?

I don't know... magic beans?

There are magic beans?

I don't know.

Who cares?

Well, what's magic about them?

Don't get magic beans, you idiot.

What? I-I'd never even freaking heard

of magic beans till you said them.

If I do get them, it's you what caused it.

So, you're selling me?

Yeah, well, you heard her back there.

She wants her stupid magic beans so the whole world has to stop.

Halt, travelers!

Oh, my God!

Why do you look like that?

Ah, all of these stories were written by Germans.

But nobody can cross my bridge without paying a toll.

A toll? Like what?

You have to name three great Jewish athletes

or pay a thousand gold coins.

Uh, Hank Greenberg,

Sandy Koufax

and, uh, Gal Fridman,

Olympic windsurfer.

Took gold in Athens in 2000

and the bronze in Atlanta in '96.

I can see you're on your phone.

Oh, come on, I'm supposed to go into town

and sell this cow.

Ooh, you're selling that cow?

I don't have much, but I'll give you some magic beans for it.

That's exactly what I was supposed to get!

I said not magic beans.

Look, le-let's just admit we both

kind of got our wires crossed,

and commit to being clearer in the future.

Jack, I'm sick of your irresponsible behavior.

Like when you were supposed to be babysitting Georgie Porgie

and his sleazy brother Rick Porgie.

Hey, Rick, you want to kiss some girls and make them cry?

No, but let's thumb-blast them and make them puke.

What the hell are we supposed to do with these anyway?

I knew you'd be mad, so I've asked the band Heart

to explain these beans in a way you can dreamily digest.

These beans

Go on when I close my eyes

Every second of the night

I live another life

These beans that sleep when it's cold outside.

They changed the word "dreams" to "beans."

I-I was hoping they'd change a few more words

to pertain to our situation,

but I-I-I'm just happy they did this.

Jack, this is ridiculous.

Tomorrow I want you to go back out there

and look for a job that pays actual money.

These things are worthless.

I know she's gone, but can you do the other one?

What about beans?

Don't you want someone to care about you?

"Mary Davis gives birth to...

lamb?"

Holy crap!

Oh, my God!

Wha-What is that?

I think those magic beans grew into a giant beanstalk.

Hey, where the hell'd that thing come from?

It's blocking my view of Little Miss Muffet's tuffet.

Ooh, isn't my tuffet soft

and pink and wonderful?

Ah, damn it! I need to see that

so I can make curds and whey.

Relax, Rumpleforeskin.

This is a magic beanstalk that grew overnight.

And I'm gonna climb it.

Jack, what are you talking about?

You can't climb all the way up there.

I have to.

My old gym coach is over there with a whistle.

Come on, Jack, your brother was

varsity beanstalk climbing.

He's dead!

And now to throw this handful of change down

because I'm a psychopath.

Aah, damn it!

Thank you!

I say, who the devil are you? Go away!

Aw, I-I'm sorry.

Are you taking a goose poop?

I'm not defecating, you nitwit.

I'm laying an egg.

Golden eggs!

Oh, my God!

This is probably what famous black rappers

eat for breakfast.

Who goes there?!

Oh, boy. You woke up dum-dum.

Fee-fi-fo-fum.

I smell the blood of an English man.

It's odd that you would speak gibberish of your own choosing

and not make it rhyme.

How did you get here?

By beanstalk.

How did you get up here?

This is just a house floating in the air.

I fell from a higher cloud.

That is not what happened. H-He's out of his mind.

He just sits in his room all day and inhales hair spray.

Well, you can't have my goose.

Okay, two men fighting over me.

Neat.

All right, we're just gonna have to quietly run away.

I'll create a diversion.

Aah! Look at me!

Look at me! Look at me!

Aah!

Damn beanstalk.

Hey, Little Boy Brown!

You said you were gonna help me saw.

I can't find no gloves!

Aah!

Aah!

Jack six, giant zero.

What? What? Why-why is that six points?

Oh, Jack, you're safe.

I was so worried.

And I got this golden goose.

Our troubles are over.

Well, our-our money troubles are over.

Our sexual troubles are still... are still very much alive.

Now we wait.

"The end."

So, the lesson there is if you steal,

you better be ready to murder, too.

What do you say we read another one?

Wow, you got a great view into Bonnie's window from here.

Man, how do you get any work done?

What do you mean? Lois is prettier than Bonnie.

Oh, I get it.

It's worse, but it's different.

Okay, all right, so that's something.

Okay.

So I got out of the car to take a leak,

because I'd been drinking, and I didn't know

it was next to a children's park.

But anyway, that's why this lady

has to watch whenever I play with you.

Both hands on the book, please.

It's my son! Come on!

Geez!

Thank you, Maya.

All right, the next story is "Little Red Riding Hood."

Red Riding Hood was choosing her clothes

for a journey across the forest.

You know, if I had the guts,

I would be Little White Turtleneck.

And by "guts," I mean "body."

Red, don't forget this basket of food for Grandma.

This whole thing is way too heavy.

Wh-Why are you putting a bag of ice in here?

Is this... is this a Coors Party Ball?

Is Grandma going to be entertaining

Florida Jet Ski people?

Remember, stay on the path and you'll be fine.

Oh, yes, great advice from mother of the year.

You do realize Grandma lives 68 miles away, right?

You-you're sending your child out there to die.

Tra-la-la-la-la

Skipping song, skipping song

No one's here to call me gay.

If you were my son, I would kill you.

Really? Because I hear your son is a sap.

If you're gonna hit the king,

you better kill the king.

Oh, hey.

You're the wolf, right?

Yup, and don't forget "big" and "bad."

Nah.

So, um, what happened with you and those three little pigs?

Wh-Why did you want to eat them so badly?

It-it's so amazing that that's what people think happened.

First of all, I didn't want to eat them, all right?

I wanted to talk to one of them.

About what?

Well, she was my ex-girlfriend,

and I believed I was due an explanation

about why she was such a whore.

All right, well, I'm off to my grandmother's,

but before I go, I better take a deep-woods dump.

Her bathroom is right off the dining room.

So, it's either now or three days from now.

Where are you going, dear?

I got to go check on my shoe apartment complex.

Old woman breeds like a gopher.

Hello? Is anyone home?

Ay, no, no.

I can hear the muffled Mexican music.

Look, if you guys don't shape up,

I'm gonna rent this place

to Goldilocks and the three bears.

Ooh, this is nice.

It's every bit as darling as you said.

They're gonna fix up the place.

Who is it?

It's your granddaughter, Red.

How do I know it's you?

Oh, come on, that's a perfect imitation.

Open up. I brought strawberry shortcake and Cool Whip.

And what?

Oh, sorry. I mean Cool Hwhip.

That's my little girl.

Oh, my!

Come in.

Who the hell are you?

Why, your grandma, of course.

All right, fine.

I guess we're doing this.

My, what big eyes you have, Grandma.

All the better to see you with, my dear.

My, what big... You know what?

I-I'm sorry, I-I can't.

I-I can't do this. I-I'm not an idiot.

My grandma is a human woman.

How-how was this ever a scene?

All right, fine, yes.

It's me, the wolf.

Must we go through this charade?

It's insulting.

I don't know why you're complaining.

I'm the one who's about

to get violently bisected by the woodsman.

What woodsman?

Ha-ha!

You know, I'm not sure if that's our hero

or just a lunatic

going house to house murdering people.

Ha-ha!

Yeah, he-he-he just did it again.

I think we should...

I think we should call somebody.

Aw, look at the little guy.

So peaceful.

Hey! Wake up! We got one more!

Now, if this don't get you to sleep, nothing will.

"Cinderella" by nobody remembers.

A long time ago, in a magical, faraway land,

several women lived together and, surprise, surprise,

they didn't exactly get along.

Hey, Cinderella, how's the scrubbing going?

God, we have so few female characters to work with.

You just keep scrubbing that poo spot

so I can come back and poo on that spot again.

You guys are gonna regret being mean to me someday.

Mean to you? Us?

When are we ever mean to you?

Remember the time you told King Midas

to go to third base with me?

Now I'm dealing with this.

I dated him, too.

It's so unfair that we're called the "evil" stepsisters.

Yeah, I mean, you'd be evil, too,

if your stepdad was Bruce Jenner.

Hey, girls, feel my cheek, it's like a bottom!

He stole me horn!

Well, I don't, I don't know what that was,

but th-the first one has a parchment from the Charmings.

It's an invite to a party for the prince!

I hear he's looking for someone

to spend the rest of his life with.

Well, it won't be you.

Yeah, there's a reason this story's not called "Cinderella."

Actually, it is.

Ah, that does not bode well for us.

Now, since we're all planning on drinking,

I called us a pumpkin.

Wait for me!

You said, if I had a nice dress,

I could go to the ball.

How did you even make that dress so fast?

Oh, you know, I-I have an eye for fashion,

and I'm pretty good with my hands.

Unbelievable.

Now I'm worried about that screenplay we gave her.

You're not going to the ball!

It's for ladies, not scumbag nobodies.

Girls, shred her dress and divvy it up for monthlies.

Well, that's not cool, either.

They're all kind of bitches.

And then they ripped up my dress so now I have nothing to wear.

Well, sometimes "nothing to wear" is a fun time.

You know, just get weird.

Cinderella, I am your fairy godmother.

"Fairy" in the magical sense, not about kissing guys.

Oh, my God!

I want that bitch Snow White to just admit she had an abortion.

Whoa, whoa!

I was thinking more like a new dress for the party.

Or a bunch of chew toys.

Your choice.

Chew toys. Take the chew toys.

A new dress?

Well, that means I could go to the ball!

Oh, what a beautiful dress.

B-But how will I get to the ball?

I-I don't have a horse or a carriage.

Oh, yeah, that's... yeah, just change me into whatever.

Yeah, that's cool. Thanks.

Well, is everything all right in here...?

This hurts! This hurts!

This ball is kind of lame.

All these royal types are inbreeding, walleyed,

bucktooth monsters who have to be wheeled around

under a blanket.

I say! Wherever is Grandmum-mum?

She would so enjoy the festoonities!

That's not a word, sir.

My mind races from the damp!

Hey, how are you?

Hey, hi, there. Thanks for coming.

These are my daughters, and they will do anything

to be your princess, right, girls?

See anything you like?

Oh, I'm so fancy and moist.

Ew, you guys are gross.

But stick around in case I don't find anyone else.

Okay, first of all, obviously the dress.

Wow.

And you smell slightly less worse

than everyone else in the kingdom.

Oh, why, thank you, I just bathed last year.

Hey, wh-where you going?

Come back here!

You brushed up against it!

You got to take care of it now!

Wait, wait, you forgot your glass slipper.

And a box of condoms.

Aw, man! Things were gonna happen.

We almost kissed.

Why couldn't the magic have lasted five more minutes?

Now I'll never get to be a rich, do-nothing wife.

Sorry your dreams haven't come true.

My lord, there is no sign of her, and we searched far.

Did you search wide? No.

You got to search wide, that's like half of it.

And so the prince searched all over the kingdom

for the foot that fit the glass slipper.

Well, not "all" over.

He skipped the, uh, south side of town,

which, uh, even in fairy tale times,

was, um...

let's just say "loud."

And so, whoever fits in this slipper will be my princess.

Or prince.

I'm bi.

Oh, there's my slipper!

Oh, I've been looking all over for it.

Well, when I'm not doing gymnastics.

This could be your life.

Enough!

It's you.

Her?

I can't wait to make love to you a hundred years

before the invention of toilet paper.

And so, two people who danced together one time

entered into an ill-advised, long-term relationship.

And they lived happily ever after for seven months

and then separated with the goal of fixing themselves

and getting back together.

They got into a huge fight when his mom got sick.

And now they don't even follow each other on Twitter.

The end.

Good night, Stewie.

Good night, Chris.

Good night, Meg.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org