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1
00:00:02,936 --> 00:00:05,871
It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,873 --> 00:00:09,174
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,176 --> 00:00:12,878
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:16,048
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,050 --> 00:00:19,284
Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,286 --> 00:00:22,488
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
7
00:00:22,490 --> 00:00:24,156
All the things that make us
8
00:00:24,158 --> 00:00:25,891
Laugh and cry
9
00:00:25,893 --> 00:00:36,502
He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
10
00:00:36,504 --> 00:00:37,736
Morning, Stella.
11
00:00:37,738 --> 00:00:38,837
Morning, Peter.
12
00:00:38,839 --> 00:00:40,539
Hey, listen, I-I got to
ask you something.
13
00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:42,341
Last night, I heard,
uh, the song
14
00:00:42,343 --> 00:00:43,909
"Pour Some Sugar On Me,"
15
00:00:43,911 --> 00:00:46,178
and-and this question
popped into my head.
16
00:00:46,180 --> 00:00:48,914
Are you... and please say
yes... are you related...
17
00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:51,350
and even if you're not, please
say yes... are you related to...
18
00:00:51,352 --> 00:00:53,318
and please say yes
because I need the attention
19
00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:56,188
from my friends... are you
related to Def Leppard?
20
00:00:56,190 --> 00:00:57,890
Griffin, can I talk
to you privately?
21
00:00:57,892 --> 00:00:59,725
Stella, turn around.
22
00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:02,728
You know, that is one nice thing
about having a deaf coworker.
23
00:01:02,730 --> 00:01:05,197
Well, that and I can work
on my verbal sound effects
24
00:01:05,199 --> 00:01:06,532
and not feel
self-conscious about
25
00:01:06,534 --> 00:01:08,000
the ones that aren't
quite there yet.
26
00:01:08,002 --> 00:01:09,902
What are you talking about?
27
00:01:09,904 --> 00:01:12,571
I'm talking about this:
shabba dabba dabba dabba dabba.
28
00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:14,239
That's a helicopter
hovering over a woman
29
00:01:14,241 --> 00:01:15,541
swimming in her pool.
30
00:01:15,543 --> 00:01:16,708
I also do animals.
31
00:01:16,710 --> 00:01:17,943
Here's a mouse.
32
00:01:17,945 --> 00:01:19,845
Mouse?
33
00:01:19,847 --> 00:01:21,346
Oh, that one's ready.
34
00:01:21,348 --> 00:01:23,115
Griffin, I actually
came to tell you
35
00:01:23,117 --> 00:01:25,751
that you're being promoted
to forklift operator.
36
00:01:25,753 --> 00:01:27,052
Really? That's awesome!
37
00:01:27,054 --> 00:01:29,021
Yeah, Frank retired, and
since you're already required
38
00:01:29,023 --> 00:01:30,289
to wear a helmet here...
39
00:01:30,291 --> 00:01:31,957
which, by the way,
put on your helmet.
40
00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:33,125
Oh, sorry.
41
00:01:33,127 --> 00:01:34,960
Anyway, the job is yours.
42
00:01:34,962 --> 00:01:36,962
Which means you'll be
receiving a five percent raise.
43
00:01:36,964 --> 00:01:38,597
Wow, a raise!
44
00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:41,033
I guess this means I can
afford to set up this cutaway
45
00:01:41,035 --> 00:01:43,135
with a fancy
new transition.
46
00:01:43,137 --> 00:01:45,204
Cutaway
47
00:01:53,980 --> 00:01:55,280
End of cutaway
48
00:01:57,050 --> 00:02:00,752
All right, you beautiful
bastard, show me what you got.
49
00:02:10,263 --> 00:02:11,563
Peter, you can run now,
50
00:02:11,565 --> 00:02:13,332
and no one will
call you a quitter.
51
00:02:13,334 --> 00:02:14,900
What am I saying? No.
52
00:02:14,902 --> 00:02:18,003
I learned how to use stickers,
and I can learn how to use this.
53
00:02:38,692 --> 00:02:40,092
Oh, this is awesome.
54
00:02:58,878 --> 00:03:00,112
Oh, guys, good,
you're here.
55
00:03:00,114 --> 00:03:02,781
I am so excited.
Guess what.
56
00:03:02,783 --> 00:03:04,483
I hope this isn't
about your podcast again.
57
00:03:04,485 --> 00:03:05,817
Why? Did you
finally listen to it?
58
00:03:05,819 --> 00:03:07,886
Yeah, it was just
15 minutes of you listing
59
00:03:07,888 --> 00:03:09,655
all the hats
you could think of.
60
00:03:09,657 --> 00:03:11,456
Sherlock Holmes hat.
61
00:03:11,458 --> 00:03:12,791
Football man hat.
62
00:03:12,793 --> 00:03:15,527
Angry working-class
Irish idiot hat.
63
00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:18,897
Underwear 'cause you're a cat
in the laundry basket hat.
64
00:03:18,899 --> 00:03:21,533
Vietnamese the sun
is my enemy hat.
65
00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:25,337
Halloween mask that
I flip up to eat my candy hat.
66
00:03:25,339 --> 00:03:28,140
College guy wearing
a pizza box hat.
67
00:03:28,142 --> 00:03:29,841
Blue hat.
68
00:03:29,843 --> 00:03:31,977
I think that's all the hats.
69
00:03:31,979 --> 00:03:33,245
No, you guys, this
is really big.
70
00:03:33,247 --> 00:03:34,379
You're not gonna
believe this.
71
00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:35,547
Peter, we've
been over this.
72
00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:36,882
You're not
allowed to say that
73
00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:38,283
unless there's
a forklift outside.
74
00:03:39,919 --> 00:03:41,253
Forklift!
75
00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:43,488
Wow!
76
00:03:43,490 --> 00:03:44,723
I know,
awesome, right?
77
00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:46,358
Oh, my God,
I want to get on!
78
00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:48,961
Hold on, remember the first
thing we said we'd do.
79
00:03:51,564 --> 00:03:52,864
Wow.
80
00:03:52,866 --> 00:03:54,900
So that's what the
tops of cars look like.
81
00:03:54,902 --> 00:03:56,335
All right,
walking speed.
82
00:03:58,605 --> 00:03:59,705
Afternoon, ma'am.
83
00:03:59,707 --> 00:04:01,240
Afternoon to you,
normal sir.
84
00:04:01,242 --> 00:04:02,941
No one can tell.
85
00:04:04,344 --> 00:04:06,945
Uh, how's the weather
down there, you short idiot?
86
00:04:06,947 --> 00:04:08,880
Should we tell him
his pants fell off?
87
00:04:08,882 --> 00:04:10,182
No, let's wait awhile.
88
00:04:10,184 --> 00:04:12,784
Well you can tell by
the way I use my walk
89
00:04:12,786 --> 00:04:16,054
I walk all the time,
'cause my legs can walk.
90
00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:33,805
Uh, are you gonna
stay for the bris?
91
00:04:33,807 --> 00:04:35,674
Nah, I don't
want to see that.
92
00:04:37,644 --> 00:04:39,945
This whale's
beached himself.
93
00:04:39,947 --> 00:04:42,581
He needs to get back
in the water or he'll die.
94
00:04:42,583 --> 00:04:43,949
Step aside,
I'll handle this.
95
00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:45,550
Give me some room.
96
00:05:56,824 --> 00:05:59,491
You're whale-come.
97
00:05:59,493 --> 00:06:00,959
Aw, cool shell.
98
00:06:14,974 --> 00:06:17,342
Ah, this is what it's
all about, huh, Duke?
99
00:06:17,344 --> 00:06:20,412
600 gallons of beer
in one big thing.
100
00:06:20,414 --> 00:06:22,347
This is what
we do, Peter.
101
00:06:22,349 --> 00:06:24,182
You know, I always thought
I could chug that,
102
00:06:24,184 --> 00:06:26,518
but I never tried 'cause
I figured I couldn't lift it.
103
00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:28,086
Until now.
104
00:06:28,088 --> 00:06:30,021
Are you nuts?
No way you can chug that.
105
00:06:30,023 --> 00:06:31,490
No, I can totally do it.
106
00:06:31,492 --> 00:06:33,558
I've only had, like,
four beers this morning.
107
00:06:51,945 --> 00:06:53,512
He's doing it!
108
00:06:53,514 --> 00:06:55,680
It's killing him,
but he's doing it.
109
00:07:04,056 --> 00:07:07,092
So, as you can see,
sales are going very well.
110
00:07:10,963 --> 00:07:12,798
Griffin, you're fired!
111
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:15,467
Eh, see if I care.
112
00:07:15,469 --> 00:07:17,102
Hello, COBRA?
113
00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:20,772
I'd like to pay $1,300 for
one month of health insurance.
114
00:07:27,647 --> 00:07:29,648
How's the job
search going, Dad?
115
00:07:29,650 --> 00:07:30,715
Eh, not great, Chris.
116
00:07:30,717 --> 00:07:32,050
I'm looking
at the paper right now.
117
00:07:32,052 --> 00:07:33,418
I don't see a lot here.
118
00:07:33,420 --> 00:07:35,887
Hey, Lois, how much
you think a Sagittarius pays?
119
00:07:35,889 --> 00:07:37,756
I think you're in
the wrong section, Peter.
120
00:07:37,758 --> 00:07:39,391
Oh, pardon me.
121
00:07:39,393 --> 00:07:41,560
Oh, looks like
the Dodgers just cut Pena.
122
00:07:41,562 --> 00:07:42,561
Might be something there.
123
00:07:42,563 --> 00:07:44,095
Peter, put
the paper down.
124
00:07:44,097 --> 00:07:45,597
Okay, kids,
off to school.
125
00:07:45,599 --> 00:07:46,798
Now, I know
it's picture day,
126
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,300
but we can't
afford them anymore,
127
00:07:48,302 --> 00:07:49,835
so just run
behind another kid
128
00:07:49,837 --> 00:07:51,903
when they're getting
their picture taken.
129
00:07:55,775 --> 00:07:58,310
Peter, we should talk
about this job situation.
130
00:07:58,312 --> 00:07:59,811
Our savings are
getting pretty low.
131
00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:00,912
You know,
actually, Peter,
132
00:08:00,914 --> 00:08:02,314
there's a lot
of job training programs
133
00:08:02,316 --> 00:08:03,415
sponsored by the state
134
00:08:03,417 --> 00:08:05,283
that could help you
get the skills you need
135
00:08:05,285 --> 00:08:06,318
for another occupation.
136
00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:07,919
You know, Brian,
you could get a job.
137
00:08:07,921 --> 00:08:09,154
I have a job.
138
00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:11,356
I-I'm a writer, Peter.
I'm working right now.
139
00:08:11,358 --> 00:08:12,524
See this,
all of this?
140
00:08:12,526 --> 00:08:14,926
This is the raw material
of a picture of life
141
00:08:14,928 --> 00:08:16,628
that I'm gonna
paint with words.
142
00:08:16,630 --> 00:08:18,430
Yesterday, it took you
30 minutes
143
00:08:18,432 --> 00:08:20,265
to lap up a cold cut
off the floor.
144
00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:21,967
That's my process!
145
00:08:21,969 --> 00:08:23,168
It's been three weeks
146
00:08:23,170 --> 00:08:24,803
and you haven't had
a single job lead.
147
00:08:24,805 --> 00:08:25,971
Oh, that's not true.
148
00:08:25,973 --> 00:08:28,540
I came really close
with that job at the school.
149
00:08:28,542 --> 00:08:30,175
So, what makes you want
to be a crossing guard?
150
00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:31,810
I don't know, I just
thought it would be cool
151
00:08:31,812 --> 00:08:35,280
to decide which kids do
and don't get hit by a car.
152
00:08:35,282 --> 00:08:38,016
Well, Peter, since you've been
having such a tough time,
153
00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:41,019
I was thinking, maybe I
should look for a job.
154
00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:43,955
Lois, I'll be damned if I will
let my wife be a prostitute.
155
00:08:43,957 --> 00:08:46,391
What? No, I'll get
a regular job.
156
00:08:46,393 --> 00:08:48,360
What,
like a lawyer?
157
00:08:48,362 --> 00:08:51,663
Peter, there are jobs for women
between prostitute and lawyer.
158
00:08:51,665 --> 00:08:52,697
Wartime nurse?
159
00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:53,732
We need money.
160
00:08:53,734 --> 00:08:55,166
I'm gonna look
for a job.
161
00:08:55,168 --> 00:08:57,869
I guess you should;
and that'll give me more time
162
00:08:57,871 --> 00:09:00,238
to focus on expanding
my record collection.
163
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:02,240
How's this one?
Oh, Bach.
164
00:09:02,242 --> 00:09:03,975
Is very good.
I recommend.
165
00:09:03,977 --> 00:09:04,976
And this one?
166
00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:06,511
Oh, Mozart.
167
00:09:06,513 --> 00:09:07,812
The boy genius.
168
00:09:07,814 --> 00:09:08,847
The best.
169
00:09:08,849 --> 00:09:09,848
Okay, how about this?
170
00:09:09,850 --> 00:09:11,483
Ooh, Debussy.
171
00:09:11,485 --> 00:09:12,918
I love Debussy.
172
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:15,654
Sometimes all I can
think about is Debussy.
173
00:09:15,656 --> 00:09:17,322
Oh, look at the pianist.
174
00:09:17,324 --> 00:09:19,558
The pianist is so good
with Debussy.
175
00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:21,059
So, you like
his early work?
176
00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:23,028
Oh, yes,
when Debussy was young,
177
00:09:23,030 --> 00:09:24,596
that's when
you want Debussy.
178
00:09:24,598 --> 00:09:25,897
Okay, I'll
take these two.
179
00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:27,032
Very good, sir.
180
00:09:27,034 --> 00:09:29,568
Just make sure
you finish on the Bach.
181
00:09:29,570 --> 00:09:31,403
Never finish on Debussy.
182
00:09:32,906 --> 00:09:34,973
Bravo! Bravo!
183
00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:42,047
All right,
you can do this.
184
00:09:42,049 --> 00:09:43,381
You've shopped here for years.
185
00:09:43,383 --> 00:09:45,784
You know this place
like the back of your hand.
186
00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:50,388
Now, Mrs. Griffin, where
did you go to college?
187
00:09:50,390 --> 00:09:51,456
Groceries.
188
00:09:51,458 --> 00:09:53,458
Are you available
to work weekends?
189
00:09:53,460 --> 00:09:54,759
Groceries.
190
00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:55,794
Very impressive.
191
00:09:55,796 --> 00:09:57,262
This next one is
a trick question.
192
00:09:57,264 --> 00:09:58,530
Groceries?
193
00:09:58,532 --> 00:09:59,764
I'm hired.
194
00:09:59,766 --> 00:10:01,366
Welcome aboard.
195
00:10:05,871 --> 00:10:07,572
Hey, guys,
great news.
196
00:10:07,574 --> 00:10:09,641
You're looking at
the new assistant store manager
197
00:10:09,643 --> 00:10:10,742
of Stop 'N Shop.
198
00:10:10,744 --> 00:10:12,310
You got a job
at the grocery store?
199
00:10:12,312 --> 00:10:13,778
That's great!
200
00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:16,114
You get to see all the food
before it's famous.
201
00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:17,215
Well, you know
you've made it
202
00:10:17,217 --> 00:10:18,984
when you've got
a teenage boss.
203
00:10:18,986 --> 00:10:20,085
Lois, that's awesome!
204
00:10:20,087 --> 00:10:21,920
Now I can spend
my days at The Clam
205
00:10:21,922 --> 00:10:23,154
like we've always
talked about.
206
00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:25,590
No, Peter, if I'm gonna
be out of the house working,
207
00:10:25,592 --> 00:10:28,093
you're gonna have to take over
for me in the house.
208
00:10:28,095 --> 00:10:29,928
Wait, wait, what,
I-I got to do what you do?
209
00:10:29,930 --> 00:10:32,063
Spending the whole day
taking Tylenol PMs
210
00:10:32,065 --> 00:10:33,798
and straddling
the bath faucet?
211
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:36,134
Well, the guy knows what's going
on here, I'll give him that.
212
00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:38,970
No, I mean, you're gonna need to
cook the meals and do laundry
213
00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:41,106
and take care of Stewie,
like I've been doing.
214
00:10:41,108 --> 00:10:42,107
Are you serious?
215
00:10:42,109 --> 00:10:43,008
Dad's gonna
run the house?
216
00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:44,275
Hey, I can do it.
217
00:10:44,277 --> 00:10:46,444
I mean, it can't be
any harder than that job
218
00:10:46,446 --> 00:10:48,279
I used to have
at the bowling alley.
219
00:10:48,281 --> 00:10:49,280
Bowlarama.
220
00:10:49,282 --> 00:10:50,915
Yes, we're open.
221
00:10:50,917 --> 00:10:53,151
Oh, yes, we have a wide
selection of balls
222
00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:55,954
that are way too heavy
or have too-small finger holes.
223
00:10:55,956 --> 00:10:57,956
Uh, no, you will not
be able to do anything
224
00:10:57,958 --> 00:11:00,291
with your wrist
for seven days afterward.
225
00:11:00,293 --> 00:11:02,861
Yes, sir, all of the joysticks
in the arcade
226
00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:05,430
are completely covered in pizza
grease, no worries there.
227
00:11:05,432 --> 00:11:06,765
What's that?
228
00:11:06,767 --> 00:11:09,300
Oh, absolutely, there is always
a group of teenagers
229
00:11:09,302 --> 00:11:11,870
throwing the ball real hard
and scaring everyone.
230
00:11:11,872 --> 00:11:15,140
No, there is no smoking,
but we do let you smoke.
231
00:11:15,142 --> 00:11:17,409
Yes, it's all terrible,
come on down.
232
00:11:22,782 --> 00:11:24,349
Why are you doing laundry
in the dishwasher?
233
00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:26,017
Oh, I can't use
the washing machine;
234
00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:27,552
it's really been
acting up lately.
235
00:11:28,988 --> 00:11:30,121
What the hell?
236
00:11:30,123 --> 00:11:32,190
What's going on
down here?
237
00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:33,658
This is washing
machine stuff.
238
00:11:33,660 --> 00:11:35,527
Go back upstairs,
suck-bag.
239
00:11:39,365 --> 00:11:41,633
All right, Stewie, I'm gonna
change your diaper now.
240
00:11:41,635 --> 00:11:44,302
Which, unfortunately, means
I have to touch your privates.
241
00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:46,738
All right, so here I
come with the cloth.
242
00:11:46,740 --> 00:11:48,840
Okay? This is
not sexual.
243
00:11:48,842 --> 00:11:52,010
All right, I've made contact
with your undercarriage.
244
00:11:52,012 --> 00:11:54,079
I am moving it upwards
with a cupped hand.
245
00:11:54,081 --> 00:11:55,847
I'm looking you
in the eye now.
246
00:11:55,849 --> 00:11:57,148
Please meet my gaze.
247
00:11:57,150 --> 00:11:58,416
And we're done.
248
00:11:58,418 --> 00:12:01,152
That was intense.
249
00:12:03,489 --> 00:12:05,190
All right, kids,
you are really gonna love
250
00:12:05,192 --> 00:12:07,158
these Cornish game hens
I cooked for dinner.
251
00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:09,160
Now, I don't want
to pat myself on the back,
252
00:12:09,162 --> 00:12:11,529
but I worked all day
getting 'em just right...
253
00:12:11,531 --> 00:12:12,931
Holy crap!
254
00:12:13,432 --> 00:12:14,532
Oh, my God.
255
00:12:14,534 --> 00:12:15,934
Then that means...
256
00:12:17,069 --> 00:12:18,737
And that also means...
257
00:12:21,874 --> 00:12:23,074
You know what, Peter?
258
00:12:23,076 --> 00:12:26,111
You tried hard, and you
still earned that wine.
259
00:12:31,016 --> 00:12:33,017
I'm home.
260
00:12:33,019 --> 00:12:35,053
Wow, Peter,
the house looks amazing.
261
00:12:35,055 --> 00:12:36,521
Yeah, well, let's
take off our shoes
262
00:12:36,523 --> 00:12:38,223
and try to keep
it that way, huh?
263
00:12:38,225 --> 00:12:40,558
No, really, Peter,
it seems like you've really
264
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:42,093
taken to being
a househusband.
265
00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:43,728
Well, it hasn't
been easy.
266
00:12:43,730 --> 00:12:44,929
Between doing the
laundry and vacuuming,
267
00:12:44,931 --> 00:12:47,232
I barely had time to
put on a nice sweater
268
00:12:47,234 --> 00:12:49,834
and clasp a cup of
tea with two hands.
269
00:12:53,105 --> 00:12:55,173
Ah.
270
00:12:56,909 --> 00:12:59,244
And now to tie this sweater
around my waist
271
00:12:59,246 --> 00:13:01,479
and walk around
the neighborhood.
272
00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:03,715
Well, what do you say
I reward you
273
00:13:03,717 --> 00:13:05,150
for all your hard work?
274
00:13:05,152 --> 00:13:06,885
Geez, Lois, is that
all you think about?
275
00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:07,952
I'm tired.
276
00:13:07,954 --> 00:13:08,987
Come on, Peter.
277
00:13:08,989 --> 00:13:09,988
I need this release.
278
00:13:09,990 --> 00:13:11,322
I had a long
day at work.
279
00:13:11,324 --> 00:13:12,924
Oh, work.
280
00:13:12,926 --> 00:13:14,459
I suppose work
is why you missed
281
00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:16,060
Chris's father-son picnic.
282
00:13:16,062 --> 00:13:18,129
Peter, you're still
Chris's father.
283
00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:19,297
Why can't you just listen
284
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:21,166
instead of trying
to fix everything?!
285
00:13:22,601 --> 00:13:23,735
Get in here, Peter.
286
00:13:23,737 --> 00:13:25,103
Don't you want to have sex?
287
00:13:25,105 --> 00:13:27,939
I don't think we've done it
since I started working.
288
00:13:27,941 --> 00:13:29,274
Yeah, I guess you're right.
289
00:13:29,276 --> 00:13:32,844
Come on, where's my big,
strong man?
290
00:13:32,846 --> 00:13:35,814
Putting on one of your
dress shirts to look sexy.
291
00:13:39,186 --> 00:13:40,451
Mmm.
292
00:13:40,453 --> 00:13:42,587
I want to do it on top
of the comforter.
293
00:13:42,589 --> 00:13:44,088
I don't care if
we make streaks.
294
00:13:44,090 --> 00:13:45,323
Well, of course you don't,
295
00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:46,958
you're not the one
who cleans it.
296
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:49,294
Peter, just shut
up and take me!
297
00:13:53,632 --> 00:13:54,999
Peter, get up! Get up!
298
00:13:55,001 --> 00:13:56,634
There's a caterpillar
in the bed!
299
00:13:56,636 --> 00:13:58,703
Oh, that's, uh...
that's me.
300
00:13:58,705 --> 00:13:59,771
What?
301
00:13:59,773 --> 00:14:01,306
How do I put this
delicately?
302
00:14:01,308 --> 00:14:04,809
My hog cannot partake
in the slop this evening.
303
00:14:04,811 --> 00:14:08,179
Peter, are you having
trouble getting... ready?
304
00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:10,114
Yes, obviously,
I'm having trouble!
305
00:14:10,116 --> 00:14:12,050
Well, somebody's gonna
have sex with me.
306
00:14:12,052 --> 00:14:13,151
Lois, don't say that.
307
00:14:13,153 --> 00:14:15,220
Quagmire will show up
like the Road Runner.
308
00:14:18,791 --> 00:14:21,125
It's okay, your vagina's
just a painted-on hole.
309
00:14:29,235 --> 00:14:31,069
Oh, Peter,
you're up.
310
00:14:31,071 --> 00:14:32,470
That's not
what I heard.
311
00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:35,907
Hey, Peter, you want
a little something
312
00:14:35,909 --> 00:14:37,141
to put in that
orange juice?
313
00:14:37,143 --> 00:14:38,176
What? Why? It's 9:00 a.m.
314
00:14:38,178 --> 00:14:39,477
Well, I
figured you'd
315
00:14:39,479 --> 00:14:41,145
like to start your day
with a stiff one.
316
00:14:42,716 --> 00:14:44,082
You can't
get a boner!
317
00:14:44,084 --> 00:14:46,818
You're a failure as
a man and a father.
318
00:14:46,820 --> 00:14:49,020
Peter, it's nothing
to get upset about.
319
00:14:49,022 --> 00:14:50,555
There's treatments
available.
320
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:51,923
We'll go see
Dr. Hartman.
321
00:14:51,925 --> 00:14:53,992
I don't want to do that;
I'm embarrassed.
322
00:14:53,994 --> 00:14:55,693
This shouldn't
embarrass you.
323
00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:57,996
The size should
embarrass you.
324
00:15:02,768 --> 00:15:05,003
How about now? Is this
doing anything for you?
325
00:15:05,005 --> 00:15:06,037
No.
326
00:15:06,039 --> 00:15:09,407
Hmm. Well, what if
I show you my tattoo?
327
00:15:10,776 --> 00:15:12,277
Nothing.
Well, you got a dead rat
328
00:15:12,279 --> 00:15:13,378
in your
pants, mister.
329
00:15:13,380 --> 00:15:15,013
There's got to be
something you can do,
330
00:15:15,015 --> 00:15:16,047
Dr. Hartman.
331
00:15:16,049 --> 00:15:17,682
Have you tried
getting a divorce?
332
00:15:17,684 --> 00:15:19,851
I've never seen this
problem in a single man.
333
00:15:19,853 --> 00:15:22,053
Doctor, what about
Viagra or Cialis?
334
00:15:22,055 --> 00:15:23,054
What about them?
335
00:15:23,056 --> 00:15:24,923
Well, if Peter
could try them,
336
00:15:24,925 --> 00:15:26,424
they might help
with his problem.
337
00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:27,859
Those are for man troubles?
338
00:15:27,861 --> 00:15:30,194
I've been prescribing them
as antidepressants.
339
00:15:30,196 --> 00:15:35,033
Everything's just getting
harder and harder.
340
00:15:38,637 --> 00:15:40,038
Hey, you guys
want another round?
341
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:41,873
Oh, I don't know, Peter,
it's getting kind of late.
342
00:15:41,875 --> 00:15:43,141
Yeah, I got
to get going.
343
00:15:43,143 --> 00:15:45,209
It takes me three hours
to get ready for bed.
344
00:15:45,211 --> 00:15:46,945
Oh, please don't
make me go home
345
00:15:46,947 --> 00:15:47,979
and disappoint
my wife yet again!
346
00:15:47,981 --> 00:15:49,380
What are you
talking about, Peter?
347
00:15:49,382 --> 00:15:51,816
You know how earlier tonight
we all said we had erections?
348
00:15:51,818 --> 00:15:52,817
I lied.
349
00:15:52,819 --> 00:15:54,085
So did I.
350
00:15:54,087 --> 00:15:56,154
Dr. Hartman says I'm impotent.
351
00:15:56,156 --> 00:15:57,922
Oh, you don't have to
take that from him.
352
00:15:57,924 --> 00:15:59,958
You know, Dr. Hartman
once told me I had gonorrhea.
353
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:02,093
So I hit him
in the head with a bat.
354
00:16:02,095 --> 00:16:05,263
I give gonorrhea,
I don't get gonorrhea. Okay?
355
00:16:05,265 --> 00:16:06,898
It's terrible, guys.
356
00:16:06,900 --> 00:16:08,900
I tried the pills he gave me,
but even they didn't work.
357
00:16:08,902 --> 00:16:10,134
Well, look at it
this way, Peter:
358
00:16:10,136 --> 00:16:11,469
without sex, you'll
have more time
359
00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:13,471
to do the things you've
always wanted to do.
360
00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:15,573
For me, it was learning
to play the trombone.
361
00:16:15,575 --> 00:16:17,642
Why the hell would you
want to play the trombone?
362
00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:19,510
For moments
like this.
363
00:16:19,512 --> 00:16:21,012
Peter can't
get an erection.
364
00:16:23,817 --> 00:16:26,584
Peter, I am gonna help
you beat impotence.
365
00:16:26,586 --> 00:16:27,986
We can do
this together.
366
00:16:27,988 --> 00:16:29,687
Thanks, Quagmire,
'cause this sucks.
367
00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:30,788
I think even the people
368
00:16:30,790 --> 00:16:32,924
at the office supply store
can tell.
369
00:16:32,926 --> 00:16:34,659
Um, excuse me,
where do you keep
370
00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:35,994
your three-ring binders?
371
00:16:35,996 --> 00:16:36,995
Those are on aisle...
372
00:16:36,997 --> 00:16:38,696
Hold on a sec.
373
00:16:41,100 --> 00:16:43,601
We're all out
of binders.
374
00:16:45,537 --> 00:16:47,538
All right, Peter, now, when
it comes to curing impotence,
375
00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:49,107
sometimes you
have to get creative.
376
00:16:49,109 --> 00:16:51,609
So, we're gonna try the Boston Method.
What's that?
377
00:16:51,611 --> 00:16:54,178
Well, basically, some dirtbag
from Boston yells at your junk
378
00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:56,014
to scare it
into working again.
379
00:16:56,815 --> 00:16:58,616
So you got a
stupid penis, huh?
380
00:16:58,618 --> 00:17:00,318
I-I guess so.
381
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:03,187
You hear me in there,
dum-dum? Let's look alive.
382
00:17:03,189 --> 00:17:05,823
Listen, I could be nice about
this or I could get my brother.
383
00:17:05,825 --> 00:17:07,458
And he did some
serious time
384
00:17:07,460 --> 00:17:10,294
for throwing a turkey
off a bridge into a car.
385
00:17:10,296 --> 00:17:11,896
It's-it's not working.
386
00:17:11,898 --> 00:17:13,231
All right,
well, I got to go.
387
00:17:13,233 --> 00:17:16,901
There's a ripped screen door
that needs slamming.
388
00:17:16,903 --> 00:17:19,037
How could a town
with so many great colleges
389
00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:21,272
produce nothing but dopes?
390
00:17:26,745 --> 00:17:28,746
You sure this is
gonna work, Quagmire?
391
00:17:28,748 --> 00:17:29,914
Of course. This isn't
the first time
392
00:17:29,916 --> 00:17:31,315
I've rigged up
a sex puppet.
393
00:17:31,317 --> 00:17:33,751
I now have full control
over your genitals.
394
00:17:33,753 --> 00:17:34,552
Are you sure?
395
00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:35,920
Yeah, check it out.
396
00:17:37,657 --> 00:17:39,991
It looks like
an unmanned fire hose.
397
00:17:39,993 --> 00:17:40,925
Stop smiling,
this is serious.
398
00:17:40,927 --> 00:17:42,560
You got to have
your sex face.
399
00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:46,497
Okay, okay, my sex face
is a ton of underbite.
400
00:17:46,499 --> 00:17:47,665
Okay.
401
00:17:47,667 --> 00:17:49,400
Lois, I'm ready.
402
00:17:52,371 --> 00:17:54,172
Oh, Peter.
403
00:17:56,875 --> 00:17:58,176
How about this?
404
00:17:59,945 --> 00:18:02,113
Damn it, Peter,
I'll set the pace, you idiot.
405
00:18:02,115 --> 00:18:03,915
All right, now to
let some line out.
406
00:18:03,917 --> 00:18:05,249
Let her dance with it a little.
407
00:18:08,587 --> 00:18:10,588
Oh, come on, Peter,
get out of my water glass.
408
00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:11,956
I need to take a pill later.
409
00:18:11,958 --> 00:18:14,792
Oh, sorry, I guess I need
to be a little more to the left.
410
00:18:14,794 --> 00:18:16,961
A little more
to the left!
411
00:18:16,963 --> 00:18:19,297
Come on, Quagmire, you were
a Navy pilot for six years.
412
00:18:19,299 --> 00:18:20,631
Land this thing.
413
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:31,042
Oh, Peter, that's new.
414
00:18:31,044 --> 00:18:32,877
Let me try.
415
00:18:32,879 --> 00:18:34,612
Eh, tired.
416
00:18:37,983 --> 00:18:39,717
Nothing seems to be
working, you guys.
417
00:18:39,719 --> 00:18:41,119
Is it gonna
be like this forever?
418
00:18:41,121 --> 00:18:42,320
Yes.
No.
419
00:18:42,322 --> 00:18:43,955
Yes.
420
00:18:43,957 --> 00:18:46,591
Hold on, Peter. You didn't start
having trouble in the bedroom
421
00:18:46,593 --> 00:18:47,992
until you lost
your job, right?
422
00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:48,926
Yeah, so?
423
00:18:48,928 --> 00:18:50,261
Well, that
explains it.
424
00:18:50,263 --> 00:18:51,896
I mean, you've been
completely emasculated
425
00:18:51,898 --> 00:18:53,464
because you're no longer
the breadwinner.
426
00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:54,799
What are you
getting at, Quagmire?
427
00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:55,967
There's only
one thing
428
00:18:55,969 --> 00:18:57,135
that's gonna restore
your masculinity.
429
00:18:57,137 --> 00:18:59,170
We got to get you
your old job back.
430
00:18:59,172 --> 00:19:01,639
It was a mistake for me
to ever take that promotion.
431
00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:02,940
Wait a minute.
432
00:19:02,942 --> 00:19:05,276
It was a mistake
giving you a promotion.
433
00:19:05,278 --> 00:19:07,111
Quagmire.
434
00:19:07,113 --> 00:19:09,213
I'm not following you.
435
00:19:12,017 --> 00:19:13,851
So, by promoting
an incompetent man,
436
00:19:13,853 --> 00:19:14,952
you were at fault.
437
00:19:14,954 --> 00:19:16,921
Nice try,
but I'm not the one
438
00:19:16,923 --> 00:19:18,489
who drove a forklift
into a conference room
439
00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:20,124
and sent two people
to the hospital.
440
00:19:20,126 --> 00:19:22,293
Come on, since
this man lost his job,
441
00:19:22,295 --> 00:19:23,761
he can't pleasure
his wife.
442
00:19:23,763 --> 00:19:25,096
Is that true?
443
00:19:25,098 --> 00:19:28,299
I-I have what the kids call
"maje wien probs."
444
00:19:28,301 --> 00:19:30,301
Angela, I really
need my job back.
445
00:19:30,303 --> 00:19:33,037
And I could stand here
and give you a big speech
446
00:19:33,039 --> 00:19:36,040
about second chances and promise
to work harder than ever before.
447
00:19:36,042 --> 00:19:38,976
And I could remind you that
one day you might be in my shoes
448
00:19:38,978 --> 00:19:40,878
and maybe you'll need
a second chance.
449
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:42,180
But I'm not gonna do that.
450
00:19:42,182 --> 00:19:44,148
I'm gonna cash in
this coupon you gave me
451
00:19:44,150 --> 00:19:45,349
last Valentine's Day.
452
00:19:45,351 --> 00:19:48,653
"One Redo For Being Fired
For Gross Negligence."
453
00:19:48,655 --> 00:19:50,755
"And One Hug."
454
00:19:52,491 --> 00:19:54,592
The hug one is expired, Griffin.
455
00:19:55,994 --> 00:19:58,029
This one's for free.
456
00:19:58,031 --> 00:20:00,064
Welcome back, Griffin.
457
00:20:00,066 --> 00:20:01,365
Aw.
458
00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:02,567
Who's that?
459
00:20:02,569 --> 00:20:05,903
Oh, I hired a studio audience
to do your old job.
460
00:20:05,905 --> 00:20:07,004
You guys are fired.
461
00:20:07,006 --> 00:20:09,207
Aw.
462
00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:18,516
Peter, I can't
help you shake DVDs
463
00:20:18,518 --> 00:20:19,850
out of the Redbox again.
464
00:20:19,852 --> 00:20:21,385
I got in trouble last time.
465
00:20:21,387 --> 00:20:22,987
Now, go away, I'm working.
466
00:20:22,989 --> 00:20:26,891
You don't have to anymore,
because I got my old job back.
467
00:20:26,893 --> 00:20:28,826
Peter, I'm so proud of you.
468
00:20:28,828 --> 00:20:29,760
And you know what?
469
00:20:29,762 --> 00:20:32,263
Something else is
working now, too.
470
00:20:32,265 --> 00:20:33,364
Oh, my.
471
00:20:33,366 --> 00:20:34,432
Let's go home.
472
00:20:34,434 --> 00:20:36,767
No. I am gonna
do you right here
473
00:20:36,769 --> 00:20:39,437
on a stack
of pita bread.
474
00:20:39,439 --> 00:20:41,072
Oh, Peter.
475
00:20:41,074 --> 00:20:44,342
Yeah, the bread's all
soft and doughy, isn't it?
476
00:20:44,344 --> 00:20:46,043
And the inside of
the bag's always wet
477
00:20:46,045 --> 00:20:48,412
because those hairy
dummies put it in too hot.
478
00:20:51,851 --> 00:20:53,951
This is a cool place.
479
00:20:53,953 --> 00:20:56,087
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