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♪ It seems today
that all you see
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00:00:04,972 --> 00:00:08,223
♪ Is violence in
movies and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,291 --> 00:00:11,877
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,945 --> 00:00:14,963
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:15,049 --> 00:00:18,217
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,285 --> 00:00:21,636
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
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00:00:21,705 --> 00:00:23,138
♪ All the things that make us
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00:00:23,223 --> 00:00:24,890
♪ Laugh and cry
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00:00:24,958 --> 00:00:29,928
♪ He's a family guy ♪
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00:00:35,235 --> 00:00:36,830
We now return to
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00:00:36,854 --> 00:00:39,135
Home Alone with
Competent Robbers.
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00:00:43,994 --> 00:00:45,938
Hey, be careful.There's cars onthe floor here.
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00:00:45,962 --> 00:00:47,629
Thanks. That's weird, huh?
14
00:00:47,697 --> 00:00:49,631
Yeah.
The doorknob was really hot,
15
00:00:49,699 --> 00:00:51,611
but I just let go
instead of holding onto it.
16
00:00:51,635 --> 00:00:53,985
And there's someice on the stairsto the basement,
17
00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:56,422
so I guess just
don't go down there.
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00:00:56,490 --> 00:00:58,840
Just so you guys know,
I have a tarantula.
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00:01:01,095 --> 00:01:03,395
Well,
now there are no witnesses.
20
00:01:03,464 --> 00:01:05,625
Come on, everybody,
let's go to the mall.
21
00:01:05,649 --> 00:01:07,682
It's time for
the Christmas Carnival.
22
00:01:07,751 --> 00:01:10,151
It's Stewie's first Christmas.
23
00:01:10,220 --> 00:01:11,220
Again?
24
00:01:11,287 --> 00:01:14,156
I love the Christmas Carnival!
25
00:01:14,224 --> 00:01:17,020
Chris, calm down.
You're giving
yourself a nosebleed.
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00:01:17,044 --> 00:01:18,905
You know, the best thing
about the Quahog Mall
27
00:01:18,929 --> 00:01:21,463
is going into Tiffany's
and doing everything possible
28
00:01:21,532 --> 00:01:23,948
to make 'em think
I might actually
buy something.
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00:01:24,017 --> 00:01:27,202
Oh, this is lovely.
Just lovely.
How much is this?
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00:01:27,270 --> 00:01:28,870
$1,200.
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00:01:28,939 --> 00:01:32,273
Great, great. That's all?
And how late are
you open this evening?
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00:01:32,342 --> 00:01:33,386
Until 7:00.
33
00:01:33,410 --> 00:01:34,410
Perfect, perfect.
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00:01:34,477 --> 00:01:36,011
And you accept
credit cards and cash?
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00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:37,240
Yes.
36
00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:38,680
And what's your name?
I want to
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00:01:38,749 --> 00:01:40,093
make sure you get
credit for this sale.
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00:01:40,117 --> 00:01:41,260
Evan.
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00:01:41,284 --> 00:01:42,284
Oh, that's a great name.
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00:01:42,352 --> 00:01:43,719
Oh, and these watches here,
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00:01:43,787 --> 00:01:46,254
if I wanted to get 11 of them
for different groomsmen,
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00:01:46,323 --> 00:01:47,600
could they each get
engraved individually?
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00:01:47,624 --> 00:01:48,790
Yes.
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00:01:48,859 --> 00:01:50,704
And you do that on site?
Yes.
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00:01:50,728 --> 00:01:52,994
Fantastic.
Now, the groomsmen's names are
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00:01:53,063 --> 00:01:58,066
Blake,
Hayden, Edgar, Blake D.,
Elliott, Milo, Cooper...
47
00:01:58,135 --> 00:01:59,645
Why aren't you
writing any of these down?
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00:01:59,669 --> 00:02:02,237
You're wearing Sbarro wrappers
for shoes, sir.
49
00:02:03,941 --> 00:02:06,074
There may have been a trade.
50
00:02:13,951 --> 00:02:17,970
Hey, nice outfit.
Fancy pair of shoes, too.
51
00:02:18,038 --> 00:02:20,806
Do you only use
adjectives sarcastically?
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00:02:20,875 --> 00:02:24,009
Great question, smart guy.
53
00:02:24,061 --> 00:02:27,062
What the hell?
Where's all the decorations?
And the big Christmas tree?
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00:02:27,148 --> 00:02:28,363
Oh, look, there's Santa.
55
00:02:28,432 --> 00:02:31,115
Peter, no.
That's a Hells Angel.
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00:02:31,184 --> 00:02:32,678
What do you want?
Meth?
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00:02:32,702 --> 00:02:33,835
Okay.
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00:02:33,904 --> 00:02:35,920
There's no
Christmas Carnival, Dad.
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00:02:35,973 --> 00:02:38,485
You seem to know
a lot about this, Meg.
What did you do?
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00:02:38,509 --> 00:02:40,242
No Christmas Carnival?
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00:02:40,310 --> 00:02:43,345
Whoever is
responsible for this
shall suffer my eternal wrath.
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00:02:43,413 --> 00:02:44,946
Who's this guy?
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00:02:45,014 --> 00:02:46,964
Tough don't sell
in curly-toed shoes.
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00:02:47,033 --> 00:02:48,500
Leave me alone.
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00:02:48,569 --> 00:02:50,963
Why don't you go bother
the cologne
salesman at Macy's?
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00:02:50,987 --> 00:02:53,216
I want something I
can wear on the street
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00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,407
that a broad can
smell on the fire escape.
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00:02:55,476 --> 00:02:57,626
There's gotta be
an explanation for this.
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00:02:57,694 --> 00:02:59,339
Let's ask that
security guard who has
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00:02:59,363 --> 00:03:01,491
everything on his
belt except a gun.
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00:03:01,515 --> 00:03:02,748
Excuse me, sir?
72
00:03:02,816 --> 00:03:04,016
It's "officer."
73
00:03:04,050 --> 00:03:05,729
No, it's not.
It's barely "sir."
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00:03:05,753 --> 00:03:07,318
Yeah, I know.
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00:03:07,388 --> 00:03:09,454
Where is the Christmas Carnival?
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00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:13,525
Canceled. I don't know why.
I'm just a small
cog in this operation.
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00:03:13,594 --> 00:03:14,993
You hear that, Dad?
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00:03:15,061 --> 00:03:17,328
You're not
the only one around here
with a small cog.
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00:03:17,398 --> 00:03:20,465
I told you that
in confidence, Chris.
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00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:22,183
Daddy, where's Santa?
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00:03:22,252 --> 00:03:24,035
Was he killed by Muslims?
82
00:03:24,104 --> 00:03:27,856
Oh, my God, poor Stewie.
He's so disappointed.
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00:03:27,924 --> 00:03:29,992
Of course he is, Lois.
I feel the same way.
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00:03:30,060 --> 00:03:31,838
How come every time
I'm feelin' happy,
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00:03:31,862 --> 00:03:33,742
somebody's gotta
come along and ruin it?
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00:03:34,865 --> 00:03:36,414
Are you enjoying
your coffee, sir?
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00:03:36,483 --> 00:03:38,328
Yeah, it's very smooth.
Good flavor.
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00:03:38,352 --> 00:03:40,619
What if we told
you that we secretly
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00:03:40,687 --> 00:03:42,854
replaced your coffee
with Folgers Crystals?
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00:03:42,923 --> 00:03:44,356
Wouldn't you
feel like a dumbass?
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00:03:44,425 --> 00:03:46,475
'Cause of how you
just raved about it
just now?
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00:03:46,543 --> 00:03:48,710
You stupid son of a bitch.
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00:03:55,753 --> 00:03:57,635
Boy,
Stewie was really upset about
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00:03:57,704 --> 00:03:59,582
the Christmas
Carnival being canceled.
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00:03:59,606 --> 00:04:01,106
He's been acting out all week.
96
00:04:01,175 --> 00:04:02,991
Ah, I'm sure he'll
be over it in no time.
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00:04:03,060 --> 00:04:05,410
Besides, how much
trouble can he cause?
He's a baby.
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00:04:15,872 --> 00:04:20,058
- We now return to
- Miracle on 134th Street.
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00:04:20,127 --> 00:04:22,961
Oh, my God,
I left my phone in my car.
100
00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:25,096
Wow, it's still there.
101
00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:33,855
Hey, I've been askin' around
about this carnival thing.
102
00:04:33,923 --> 00:04:35,874
Turns out I know
a guy who knows a guy
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00:04:35,942 --> 00:04:37,776
who knows another
guy who knows a girl,
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00:04:37,844 --> 00:04:40,245
which is weird
because they don't
usually know nothin',
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00:04:40,314 --> 00:04:42,847
who says
the carnival was canceled
by the mall's owner.
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00:04:42,916 --> 00:04:44,716
Some guy named
Carter Pewterschmidt.
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00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:46,217
Oh, my God.
108
00:04:46,287 --> 00:04:48,754
So I got another guy
workin' on
findin' out who that is.
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00:04:48,822 --> 00:04:50,054
It's my father.
110
00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:53,041
Oh! This is
a twist I did not expect.
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00:04:53,110 --> 00:04:56,277
Oh! Excuse me,
I'm just gonna
have to "Oh" this out
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00:04:56,346 --> 00:04:58,113
until I'm not surprised anymore.
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00:04:58,182 --> 00:05:01,299
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
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00:05:02,002 --> 00:05:04,118
Oh... Oh.
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00:05:04,187 --> 00:05:05,987
Lois,
before I get mad at your dad,
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00:05:06,056 --> 00:05:07,833
he isn't the Little
Caesars guy, is he?
117
00:05:07,857 --> 00:05:09,624
No, Peter,
we've been through this.
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00:05:09,692 --> 00:05:11,737
Good. I could never
be mad at that guy.
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00:05:11,761 --> 00:05:13,706
He says my favorite
word twice in a row.
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00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:15,008
Now, I'm gonna go
talk to your father
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00:05:15,032 --> 00:05:16,976
and get him to bring back
the Christmas Carnival.
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00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:18,278
Peter, I don't
think that's gonna work.
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00:05:18,302 --> 00:05:19,534
Sure, it will.
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00:05:19,602 --> 00:05:21,915
The nerve of your dad,
takin' the fun
out of Christmas,
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00:05:21,939 --> 00:05:24,220
like some kind of
gluten-free Santa.
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00:05:25,075 --> 00:05:26,558
Hey. Hey, what's in these?
127
00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:30,039
I'm okay if it's,
like, coconut flour.
128
00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:32,497
But anything with
actual grains, I can't do.
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00:05:32,566 --> 00:05:33,832
I'm not sure.
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00:05:33,900 --> 00:05:35,567
Well, who is sure?
131
00:05:46,463 --> 00:05:48,574
Mr. Pewterschmidt,
there's a man here
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00:05:48,598 --> 00:05:51,044
who says he's the guywhose picture ison all the money.
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00:05:51,068 --> 00:05:52,951
Holy cow! Send him in.
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00:05:54,571 --> 00:05:55,999
Griffin.
That's right.
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00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:58,034
And this is my
own People magazine
from home
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00:05:58,058 --> 00:05:59,552
and not from your
waiting room just now,
137
00:05:59,576 --> 00:06:01,487
and why did you cancel
the Christmas Carnival?
138
00:06:01,511 --> 00:06:02,994
Because I hate Christmas.
139
00:06:03,062 --> 00:06:05,307
You know what
it's like being rich
at Christmas, Griffin?
140
00:06:05,331 --> 00:06:08,733
Everyone expects
an expensive present,
and I get nothing.
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00:06:08,802 --> 00:06:11,736
Did you... Did you
just have your
hand in my fish tank?
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00:06:11,805 --> 00:06:12,805
No.
143
00:06:12,856 --> 00:06:14,056
Sheesh, Carter, you know what?
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00:06:14,124 --> 00:06:15,801
I am gonna help you
find the Christmas
145
00:06:15,825 --> 00:06:17,536
spirit so you bring
back the carnival.
146
00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:18,777
Look, are we done here?
147
00:06:18,845 --> 00:06:20,590
Um, yeah, uh.
Just one more thing.
148
00:06:20,614 --> 00:06:23,493
Can I choose one
thing in your office
to take home with me?
149
00:06:23,517 --> 00:06:24,517
No.
150
00:06:24,584 --> 00:06:27,936
Aw, too bad.
'Cause I was gonna choose you.
151
00:06:28,004 --> 00:06:30,405
You're weird.
You're a weird guy.
152
00:06:37,364 --> 00:06:40,165
No.
No, no, no. I want to zip it.
153
00:06:43,937 --> 00:06:46,655
It's okay, Peter,
you're good at other stuff.
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00:06:46,723 --> 00:06:48,368
So you're gonna
help your old man
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00:06:48,392 --> 00:06:49,969
find his Christmas
spirit again, huh?
156
00:06:49,993 --> 00:06:51,993
Oh, yeah, that sounds real bad,
157
00:06:52,062 --> 00:06:54,006
her father don't like Christmas.
158
00:06:54,030 --> 00:06:57,532
My father was drowned to death
in a birdbath by
an officer of the law.
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00:06:57,601 --> 00:06:59,345
His will just said, "Kick Jimmy
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00:06:59,369 --> 00:07:01,047
"in the sack for me.
Go, Eagles."
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00:07:01,071 --> 00:07:02,504
My sympathies, Vinny.
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00:07:02,572 --> 00:07:04,890
Don't worry about it,
he was a scumbag.
163
00:07:04,958 --> 00:07:06,575
Are you sure about this, Peter?
164
00:07:06,643 --> 00:07:08,677
I mean, I know
Stewie was disappointed
165
00:07:08,745 --> 00:07:10,745
about the carnival,
but he'll get over it.
166
00:07:10,814 --> 00:07:12,814
He's a happy, resilient baby.
167
00:07:12,882 --> 00:07:14,860
I don't know, Lois.
I feel like if we
don't do something,
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00:07:14,884 --> 00:07:17,619
Stewie's first
words are gonna be,
"Why did you kill Christmas?"
169
00:07:17,688 --> 00:07:19,499
And I want
the carnival back, too.
170
00:07:19,523 --> 00:07:21,401
You know, I know I'm
usually all business,
171
00:07:21,425 --> 00:07:23,203
but deep down,
you know what the thing is
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00:07:23,227 --> 00:07:25,338
that keeps me going
more than anything else?
173
00:07:25,362 --> 00:07:28,196
Wonder. A sense of wonder.
174
00:07:28,265 --> 00:07:30,431
Well, you have your work
cut out for you, Peter.
175
00:07:30,500 --> 00:07:33,317
My father's
always hated Christmas.
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00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:36,053
Hey, happy June 16th.
177
00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:37,722
Well, let's see how you like it
178
00:07:37,758 --> 00:07:40,236
when someone
breaks into your house
and touches all your stuff.
179
00:07:40,260 --> 00:07:41,760
Hey. Knock it off.
180
00:07:41,828 --> 00:07:43,723
I'm touching this.
And this over here.
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00:07:43,747 --> 00:07:45,630
You're a creep, is my point.
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00:07:48,852 --> 00:07:50,412
All right,
Carter, now, you know what's
183
00:07:50,436 --> 00:07:51,981
guaranteed to put you
in the holiday mood?
184
00:07:52,005 --> 00:07:54,572
Write a Christmas letter
to all your
friends and relatives.
185
00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:57,175
And keep in mind,
it's traditional to
embellish a little bit
186
00:07:57,243 --> 00:07:58,443
to make yourself look better.
187
00:07:58,479 --> 00:07:59,845
"Peter had a great year,
188
00:07:59,913 --> 00:08:03,615
"and is now
starting quarterback
for the Jacksonville Jaguars."
189
00:08:03,684 --> 00:08:05,851
What? People can
easily fact-check this.
190
00:08:05,919 --> 00:08:07,586
Yeah, who has the time?
Keep reading.
191
00:08:07,654 --> 00:08:09,866
"Chris refurbished
a vintage motorcycle,
192
00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:13,558
"and Stewie can
slam dunk a basketball
from a standing start..."
193
00:08:13,627 --> 00:08:14,827
Peter, that's impossible.
194
00:08:14,895 --> 00:08:16,095
Read what it says about you.
195
00:08:16,129 --> 00:08:18,140
"Lois's father,
Carter Pewterschmidt,
196
00:08:18,164 --> 00:08:20,059
"bought a small
stool for his balls."
197
00:08:20,083 --> 00:08:21,427
Damn it, I'm not proud of that.
198
00:08:21,451 --> 00:08:23,211
Well, you have to
throw in some real facts.
199
00:08:23,252 --> 00:08:25,453
That's what
gives the newsletter
credibility.
200
00:08:27,307 --> 00:08:30,236
Now, everyone knows
the best way to get
the Christmas spirit
201
00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:32,893
is to drink a whole lot
of thick, frothy eggnog.
202
00:08:32,963 --> 00:08:34,824
So get going.
I don't like eggnog.
203
00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:36,080
Drink the nog, Carter.
204
00:08:36,149 --> 00:08:37,315
I don't want to.
205
00:08:37,384 --> 00:08:39,801
Take it, Carter.
Take all the nog.
206
00:08:42,472 --> 00:08:43,671
No.
207
00:08:43,757 --> 00:08:46,117
Yeah, you like that nog.
Don't spit the nog out.
208
00:08:46,176 --> 00:08:48,343
Now look at
the camera for a POV shot.
209
00:08:48,412 --> 00:08:50,494
Say thank you with
the nog in your mouth.
210
00:08:50,563 --> 00:08:52,041
Thank you.
Louder.
211
00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:53,092
Thank you.
212
00:08:53,116 --> 00:08:54,960
Good, now go down
to the hotel lobby
213
00:08:54,984 --> 00:08:56,729
and check out with
nog all over your face.
214
00:08:56,753 --> 00:08:58,036
All right.
215
00:08:58,105 --> 00:08:59,920
You know,
I still don't like Christmas,
216
00:08:59,989 --> 00:09:01,789
but I kind of like
what we just did.
217
00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:05,793
Okay, Carter,
a big part of Christmas is
218
00:09:05,862 --> 00:09:07,740
masturbating like
you would any other day
219
00:09:07,764 --> 00:09:11,032
but feeling guilty about it
because it's Christmas.
220
00:09:16,339 --> 00:09:18,472
What's wrong with me?
221
00:09:18,541 --> 00:09:19,701
Griffin, this isn't working.
222
00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:21,258
What? What do you mean?
223
00:09:21,327 --> 00:09:23,573
I'm not getting
the holiday spirit,
so you can stop trying.
224
00:09:23,597 --> 00:09:25,396
But,
Carter, it's not just for me.
225
00:09:25,465 --> 00:09:28,410
Think about Stewie.
He's all upset 'cause
there's no carnival.
226
00:09:28,434 --> 00:09:30,034
Different dog.
227
00:09:30,103 --> 00:09:31,647
Yeah, this one's,
like, Italian or something.
228
00:09:31,671 --> 00:09:34,511
Anyway,
I think we're done here.
No Christmas Carnival.
229
00:09:34,540 --> 00:09:37,041
Wow, Carter,
I had no idea you were Jewish.
230
00:09:37,110 --> 00:09:39,510
What? Is that how
this is coming off?
231
00:09:39,580 --> 00:09:41,925
Yeah, kind of.
I mean, that's what
everyone's saying.
232
00:09:41,949 --> 00:09:43,498
People think I'm Jewish?
233
00:09:55,161 --> 00:09:58,346
Oh, this Christmas
Carnival has everything.
Games, food.
234
00:09:58,414 --> 00:10:00,999
Oh, my God, it's the carolers
from A Christmas Story.
235
00:10:01,068 --> 00:10:04,719
♪ Deck the harrs
with boughs of horry...
236
00:10:04,788 --> 00:10:08,506
♪ Fa ra ra ra ra
ra ra ra ra ♪
237
00:10:08,575 --> 00:10:10,235
That's right,
America, don't forget.
238
00:10:10,259 --> 00:10:13,027
Your beloved holiday movie
is incredibly racist.
239
00:10:13,096 --> 00:10:15,479
And from not that rong ago.
240
00:10:15,548 --> 00:10:16,931
What's wrong with you, Stews?
241
00:10:16,999 --> 00:10:18,933
You're next up to
see the big guy himself
242
00:10:19,002 --> 00:10:21,235
and you look like
a piece of
spaghetti on the street.
243
00:10:21,304 --> 00:10:22,737
I don't know.
244
00:10:22,806 --> 00:10:24,650
I thought having
the carnival back
would make me happy,
245
00:10:24,674 --> 00:10:26,618
but it still feels
like something's missing.
246
00:10:26,642 --> 00:10:28,309
Yeah, it's always somethin'.
247
00:10:28,377 --> 00:10:30,745
Like when I
finally got to sleep with
Mary Lou Gallo.
248
00:10:30,814 --> 00:10:34,799
She had a look,
but when you got up close,
she also had a smell.
249
00:10:34,868 --> 00:10:37,051
Oh, Stewie, you're next.
250
00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:38,803
Ho, ho, ho.
251
00:10:38,872 --> 00:10:42,440
Mall Santa is brought to you
in part this
season by Chipotle.
252
00:10:42,508 --> 00:10:45,510
Between good and garbage,
it's Chipotle.
253
00:10:45,578 --> 00:10:47,507
So, what do you
want for Christmas?
254
00:10:47,531 --> 00:10:49,464
Oh,
what do I want for Christmas?
255
00:10:49,533 --> 00:10:51,432
What do I want for Christmas?
256
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:00,841
You know what I
want for Christmas?
257
00:11:00,910 --> 00:11:02,710
I want my friend back.
258
00:11:02,779 --> 00:11:03,995
Your friend?
259
00:11:04,064 --> 00:11:05,513
Yes. My best friend.
260
00:11:05,582 --> 00:11:07,198
My dog, Brian.
261
00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:08,599
He's dead.
262
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,935
It's our first
Christmas without him
263
00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:13,154
and no one's even
mentioned his name.
264
00:11:15,559 --> 00:11:18,442
I don't care about
this stupid carnival
or Christmas.
265
00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:21,045
I don't care about
anything except Brian.
266
00:11:21,113 --> 00:11:22,580
I want Brian!
267
00:11:26,403 --> 00:11:28,336
You want me to put a dead dog
under your tree?
268
00:11:29,205 --> 00:11:30,271
Yes.
269
00:11:35,161 --> 00:11:37,161
And, uh, I'd like a bike, too.
270
00:11:43,553 --> 00:11:45,537
We now return to
271
00:11:45,605 --> 00:11:47,505
The Year Without
a Santa Claus or Sex.
272
00:11:47,573 --> 00:11:49,007
Daddy, where's Santa Claus?
273
00:11:49,075 --> 00:11:50,307
I don't know, okay?
274
00:11:50,376 --> 00:11:51,859
Should I ask Mom?
275
00:11:51,928 --> 00:11:55,113
I don't know,
she's so busy with her job.
276
00:11:55,165 --> 00:11:56,964
Hello there, Stewart.
277
00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:58,917
What's this?
What are you doing, Vinny?
278
00:11:58,985 --> 00:12:00,568
Vinny? Who's Vinny?
279
00:12:00,637 --> 00:12:04,105
My name is Brian,
aka your favorite dog.
280
00:12:04,173 --> 00:12:06,435
Hey, whose leg do
you gotta gagoosh to
281
00:12:06,459 --> 00:12:08,604
get an Amaretto Di
Saronno around here?
282
00:12:08,628 --> 00:12:10,411
Oh, forget it, Vinny.
You're not Brian.
283
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:12,391
Come on, I went
through a lot of trouble.
284
00:12:12,415 --> 00:12:14,799
For example,
I know Brian was rather
285
00:12:14,867 --> 00:12:17,135
into politics,
so I read the newspaper.
286
00:12:17,204 --> 00:12:20,021
What is goin' on
with all these politics, huh?
287
00:12:20,089 --> 00:12:22,624
Well,
that is about Brian's level
of political awareness.
288
00:12:22,692 --> 00:12:25,760
Yeah,
and you know how Brian wrote
Wish It. Want It. Do It.?
289
00:12:25,829 --> 00:12:27,161
Well, I wrote a book, too.
290
00:12:27,230 --> 00:12:29,964
A little something called
Wish It. Want It. You Blew It.
291
00:12:30,033 --> 00:12:31,399
Really?
292
00:12:31,467 --> 00:12:33,467
Yup.
Let me read you an expert.
293
00:12:33,537 --> 00:12:35,514
"You wish you
were a millionaire.
294
00:12:35,538 --> 00:12:37,450
"You want more money.
Guess what?
295
00:12:37,474 --> 00:12:38,667
"You blew it.
296
00:12:38,691 --> 00:12:40,603
"You wish you could
change the neighborhood.
297
00:12:40,627 --> 00:12:42,493
"You want to be a selectman.
298
00:12:42,562 --> 00:12:43,706
"You blew it.
299
00:12:43,730 --> 00:12:45,490
"You wish you could
open up a restaurant.
300
00:12:45,514 --> 00:12:47,626
"You did not want
to pay protection money.
301
00:12:47,650 --> 00:12:50,001
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?"
"You blew it."
302
00:12:50,070 --> 00:12:51,236
You blew it who?
303
00:12:51,304 --> 00:12:52,481
You blew it bad.
304
00:12:52,505 --> 00:12:54,266
You know what the last page
in the book is?
305
00:12:54,290 --> 00:12:56,868
A mirror.
So you can see
exactly who blew it.
306
00:12:56,892 --> 00:12:58,509
Being you.
307
00:12:58,578 --> 00:13:02,079
Look,
I appreciate all this, Vinny,
but there's only one Brian.
308
00:13:02,148 --> 00:13:04,293
And it's tough for
me that he's gone,
309
00:13:04,317 --> 00:13:06,383
especially around the holidays.
310
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:09,670
Okay,
I know what'll cheer you up.
311
00:13:09,739 --> 00:13:12,051
How about you open up
one of those
Christmas presents?
312
00:13:12,075 --> 00:13:15,293
It's from me. Merry Christmas.
313
00:13:15,361 --> 00:13:17,628
What the hell?
There's a foot in this box.
314
00:13:17,697 --> 00:13:21,132
That was supposed to go
to somebody else.
I'm very sorry.
315
00:13:21,201 --> 00:13:25,353
Well, my friends,
I think Johnny "The
Foot" Giatelli is dead.
316
00:13:25,422 --> 00:13:28,789
No. They killed
Frankie
"Choo-Choo" Chinelli instead.
317
00:13:28,858 --> 00:13:30,386
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute.
318
00:13:30,410 --> 00:13:31,887
You sure that's what this means?
319
00:13:31,911 --> 00:13:34,245
Could be they killed
Davey "The Box" Frateli.
320
00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:35,980
Oh.
321
00:13:36,049 --> 00:13:39,583
Hold on, it could also be
they killed Jimmy
"Tissue Paper" Scungili.
322
00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:42,420
I just saw Jimmy yesterday
at my kid's christening.
323
00:13:42,489 --> 00:13:44,155
So maybe it wasn't Jimmy.
324
00:13:44,224 --> 00:13:47,591
Maybe this means they killed
Anthony "The Air
Around the Box" Minetti.
325
00:13:48,944 --> 00:13:50,611
Oh, no, they killed Sal
326
00:13:50,680 --> 00:13:54,115
"Holding The Box
That We Can't Figure Out
What The Box Means" Casella.
327
00:13:54,183 --> 00:13:56,267
Here, I got this for you, too.
328
00:13:57,070 --> 00:13:58,302
A bowling shirt?
329
00:13:58,371 --> 00:13:59,548
You can wear it anywhere.
330
00:13:59,572 --> 00:14:01,773
To the beach,
a wedding on the beach,
331
00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:04,003
beach graduation, beach funeral,
332
00:14:04,027 --> 00:14:06,360
business conference
which could be at a beach,
333
00:14:06,429 --> 00:14:10,114
a stroll through the park,
should that park be
adjacent to a beach.
334
00:14:10,182 --> 00:14:11,348
Thanks.
335
00:14:11,417 --> 00:14:13,000
What, you don't like it?
336
00:14:13,069 --> 00:14:15,481
How's about we go to the mall
and pick out
something you do like?
337
00:14:15,505 --> 00:14:17,905
Well, I suppose
I could browse the toy store.
338
00:14:17,974 --> 00:14:19,941
Possibly pick up
a new action figure.
339
00:14:20,009 --> 00:14:21,408
That's the spirit.
340
00:14:21,478 --> 00:14:23,377
All right,
I better get out of these
341
00:14:23,446 --> 00:14:25,526
professor clothes
before I kick my own ass.
342
00:14:29,769 --> 00:14:32,770
Okay, Stewie.
Pick anything you want, on me.
343
00:14:32,839 --> 00:14:35,389
I don't know.
I hate the toy store
this close to Christmas.
344
00:14:35,458 --> 00:14:36,958
It's always been picked clean.
345
00:14:37,026 --> 00:14:38,938
There's plenty of
good stuff here.
346
00:14:38,962 --> 00:14:41,445
Look at this,
heavy bronze sheep bookends.
347
00:14:41,514 --> 00:14:43,898
What kid wouldn't
want to play with these?
348
00:14:43,966 --> 00:14:45,667
"Baa.
What are you lookin' at?"
349
00:14:45,735 --> 00:14:47,868
"Not much,
that's what I'm lookin' at."
350
00:14:47,937 --> 00:14:49,504
"You want to have a go?"
351
00:14:49,572 --> 00:14:53,073
"I'd watch what I say
with that other
sheep right behind you."
352
00:14:53,142 --> 00:14:54,775
I played this as a kid.
353
00:14:54,844 --> 00:14:56,544
'Course,
I had to do it with ashtrays,
354
00:14:56,613 --> 00:14:58,653
but I think the sheep is better.
355
00:15:00,016 --> 00:15:01,832
Wait a minute. Who is that?
356
00:15:06,739 --> 00:15:09,089
I think...
I think I know that boy.
357
00:15:23,489 --> 00:15:25,573
Vinny, that stocking cap.
358
00:15:25,642 --> 00:15:26,707
It's mine.
359
00:15:28,377 --> 00:15:30,544
That boy is me.
360
00:15:30,613 --> 00:15:32,863
Of course.
It's me from the past.
361
00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:34,766
Several months ago,
I time-traveled ahead
362
00:15:34,834 --> 00:15:36,601
to purchase that Christmas toy.
363
00:15:36,670 --> 00:15:38,814
I don't understand,
so I'm angry and hungry.
364
00:15:38,838 --> 00:15:40,638
I'm gonna go punch a sandwich.
365
00:15:42,225 --> 00:15:45,193
Wow,
good timing, little fella.
This just came out today.
366
00:15:45,261 --> 00:15:48,129
Yeah,
I kind of knew that already.
367
00:15:48,197 --> 00:15:50,097
The time machine
return pad is in
368
00:15:50,166 --> 00:15:51,999
the backpack that
other Stewie is wearing.
369
00:15:52,068 --> 00:15:55,035
I must get my hands
on it, Vinny. Vinny?
370
00:15:55,104 --> 00:15:56,754
That was a tough sandwich.
371
00:15:56,823 --> 00:15:58,768
As tough as your mom's fat face.
372
00:15:58,792 --> 00:16:00,069
Hey,
leave my mother out of this.
373
00:16:00,093 --> 00:16:02,226
That woman stitched gloves
till she was 90.
374
00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:04,662
I heard she was
good with her hands.
375
00:16:04,730 --> 00:16:08,332
Nice. Hey, everybody,
we got a funny sandwich here.
376
00:16:08,401 --> 00:16:09,967
Fuck you!
377
00:16:10,036 --> 00:16:12,586
Vinny,
I need you to get that Stewie
to take off his backpack.
378
00:16:12,655 --> 00:16:14,266
Listen,
Stewie, I'm not following.
379
00:16:14,290 --> 00:16:16,650
I don't have time to explain.
I've got to steal something...
380
00:16:16,693 --> 00:16:18,543
That's it.
You've already explained.
381
00:16:18,611 --> 00:16:20,378
You got to steal something.
Got it.
382
00:16:20,446 --> 00:16:22,012
Wait a sec, what's your plan?
383
00:16:22,081 --> 00:16:24,248
Trust me, I think I
know you well enough
384
00:16:24,317 --> 00:16:26,434
to know how to
distract the other you.
385
00:16:30,023 --> 00:16:31,706
Hey, how you doing?
386
00:16:31,774 --> 00:16:33,974
This may sound
a little presumptuous
387
00:16:34,043 --> 00:16:36,143
of me, but,
uh, you ever do any modeling?
388
00:16:36,212 --> 00:16:39,380
Well, not professionally,
but I have thought about it.
389
00:16:39,449 --> 00:16:42,717
You ought to. What are you,
like, 6'3 ", 6'4"?
390
00:16:42,785 --> 00:16:46,520
You're in the ballpark.
I carry myself taller.
391
00:16:46,589 --> 00:16:48,055
Good posture, very important.
392
00:16:48,124 --> 00:16:49,707
Oh, I agree.
393
00:16:49,775 --> 00:16:51,675
Let me see, let me see.
394
00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:55,162
That's good.
395
00:16:55,231 --> 00:16:57,865
But I feel like that backpack
might be hiding
some figure flaws.
396
00:16:57,934 --> 00:17:02,186
Well,
that is where you
are wrong, my friend.
397
00:17:07,510 --> 00:17:09,510
You know,
my friends ask me, "Stewie,
398
00:17:09,578 --> 00:17:11,556
"why do you throw up
after every meal?"
399
00:17:11,580 --> 00:17:13,414
This. This is why.
400
00:17:16,953 --> 00:17:19,086
All right,
whatever you gotta do,
do it quick.
401
00:17:19,155 --> 00:17:20,888
The other you is
in the back changing
402
00:17:20,957 --> 00:17:22,635
into a pair of tap shoes,
for some reason.
403
00:17:22,659 --> 00:17:25,059
♪ Animal
crackers in my soup... ♪
404
00:17:25,127 --> 00:17:26,247
Hey, where did that guy go?
405
00:17:26,296 --> 00:17:27,373
Excellent.
406
00:17:27,397 --> 00:17:29,141
Now all I've got to do
is set the coordinates
407
00:17:29,165 --> 00:17:30,842
to the moment
before Brian got killed
408
00:17:30,866 --> 00:17:31,910
and I can save him.
409
00:17:31,934 --> 00:17:33,984
Oh, yeah,
Scott Bakula and all that.
410
00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:36,253
Yes, Vinny. Scott Bakula.
411
00:17:36,322 --> 00:17:37,766
Well, thank you for everything.
412
00:17:37,790 --> 00:17:39,740
You bet.
413
00:17:39,809 --> 00:17:44,078
You realize if I save Brian,
my family won't
get another dog,
414
00:17:44,147 --> 00:17:46,981
which means we
will never have met.
415
00:17:47,050 --> 00:17:49,170
I'll probably
never see you again.
416
00:17:49,869 --> 00:17:51,502
Oh.
417
00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:55,389
So, I think this is good-bye.
418
00:17:55,458 --> 00:17:59,744
Hey, I'm man's best friend,
not some stupid
baby's best friend, right?
419
00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:11,738
Good dog, Vinny. Good dog.
420
00:18:11,807 --> 00:18:14,608
Georgette, I'm coming home.
421
00:18:14,677 --> 00:18:16,727
Who the hell is Georgette?
422
00:18:19,882 --> 00:18:21,660
Okay, Brian, I'm just
putting this out there,
423
00:18:21,684 --> 00:18:24,852
but I'm a baby
and only dicks
don't let babies win.
424
00:18:24,921 --> 00:18:26,720
God, look at this day, huh?
425
00:18:26,789 --> 00:18:28,822
You know, usually,
I'd be sitting inside writing,
426
00:18:28,891 --> 00:18:30,368
you'd be working on
one of your machines.
427
00:18:30,392 --> 00:18:32,325
But here we are enjoying it.
428
00:18:32,394 --> 00:18:34,061
Yes,
it is a nice change of pace.
429
00:18:34,129 --> 00:18:36,363
Oh, wait,
I gotta go grab my knee pads.
430
00:18:36,432 --> 00:18:38,633
I was using them
for this other thing.
431
00:18:38,701 --> 00:18:40,801
Anyway, I'll be right back.
432
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:49,176
Brian, look out!
433
00:18:51,297 --> 00:18:53,046
What the hell?
434
00:18:53,115 --> 00:18:54,965
You're alive, my friend!
435
00:18:55,034 --> 00:18:57,217
What? 'Course I'm alive.
What the hell's going on here?
436
00:18:57,286 --> 00:18:59,487
Brian, that car killed you.
437
00:18:59,555 --> 00:19:02,757
And when it did,
a little part of
me died as well.
438
00:19:02,825 --> 00:19:04,308
I couldn't live without you.
439
00:19:04,377 --> 00:19:06,777
So I came back from the future
to save your life.
440
00:19:06,846 --> 00:19:08,324
Whoa. Wait a minute.
What are you talking about?
441
00:19:08,348 --> 00:19:10,192
I saw you destroy
your time machine.
442
00:19:10,216 --> 00:19:12,667
Yes, but luckily,
I ran into another me
from the past,
443
00:19:12,735 --> 00:19:15,169
so I stole his return pad
and came back here.
444
00:19:15,237 --> 00:19:16,403
Oh, that reminds me.
445
00:19:16,472 --> 00:19:18,632
I've gotta send this back
where it came from.
446
00:19:22,979 --> 00:19:26,714
Hmm. I'm starting
to think that guy
wasn't a real modeling agent.
447
00:19:26,782 --> 00:19:28,482
And I'm starting to
think that other guy
448
00:19:28,550 --> 00:19:30,501
wasn't a real
penis-butt inspector.
449
00:19:30,570 --> 00:19:34,354
Wow, Stewie,
thank you for saving my life.
450
00:19:34,423 --> 00:19:35,634
You know,
a whole lot of other families
451
00:19:35,658 --> 00:19:37,636
would've just
gotten a different dog
and moved on.
452
00:19:37,660 --> 00:19:42,129
Oh, oh, we could never
do something like that, Brian.
453
00:19:42,198 --> 00:19:44,064
Stewie, what's happening to you?
454
00:19:44,133 --> 00:19:47,033
I think...
My time line is being erased.
455
00:19:47,102 --> 00:19:49,854
The time line where you died
no longer exists.
456
00:19:51,123 --> 00:19:53,023
Merry Christmas, Brian.
457
00:19:54,494 --> 00:19:56,054
Hey, who were you
talking to out here?
458
00:19:56,478 --> 00:19:58,946
A pretty awesome guy.
459
00:19:59,032 --> 00:20:01,482
Oh, "Pretty awesome guy."
Why don't you marry him, huh?
460
00:20:01,551 --> 00:20:02,566
All right, game on.
461
00:20:02,635 --> 00:20:04,395
Ah!
462
00:20:04,419 --> 00:20:05,869
Stew-S-A. Stew-S-A. Stew-S-A.
463
00:20:14,029 --> 00:20:17,030
Oven mitts. Wow, thanks, Mom!
464
00:20:17,099 --> 00:20:21,401
Now you don't have to ask me
if everything is hot
before you touch it.
465
00:20:21,471 --> 00:20:24,688
Are... Are the oven mitts hot?
466
00:20:24,757 --> 00:20:27,341
Here you go, Stewie.
Merry Christmas.
467
00:20:31,630 --> 00:20:34,414
Brian, it's, it's...
Wonderful. Thank you.
468
00:20:34,484 --> 00:20:36,617
Well, you gave me
the greatest gift of all.
469
00:20:36,686 --> 00:20:38,786
I'll tell you about it sometime.
470
00:20:38,855 --> 00:20:40,220
Brian.
471
00:20:40,289 --> 00:20:41,522
Are we pregnant?
472
00:20:41,591 --> 00:20:43,271
What? No, Stewie,
it's nothing like that.
473
00:20:43,309 --> 00:20:45,820
Okay,
well, I have to tell you,
I'm a little bit relieved.
474
00:20:45,844 --> 00:20:48,812
Look, just thanks
for everything, Stewie.
475
00:20:48,881 --> 00:20:51,648
You're my best
friend and I love you.
476
00:20:51,717 --> 00:20:52,983
All I can say, Brian,
477
00:20:53,052 --> 00:20:54,930
is you've been
making really creepy
478
00:20:54,954 --> 00:20:56,765
eye contact with me all morning
479
00:20:56,789 --> 00:20:59,149
and I want it to stop right now.36883
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