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1
00:00:01,835 --> 00:00:04,970
It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:04,972 --> 00:00:08,107
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,109 --> 00:00:11,310
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,312 --> 00:00:14,680
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,682 --> 00:00:18,183
Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,185 --> 00:00:21,620
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
7
00:00:21,622 --> 00:00:23,055
All the things that make us
8
00:00:23,057 --> 00:00:24,490
Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,492 --> 00:00:29,695
He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
10
00:00:35,002 --> 00:00:37,469
We now return
to Muppet Babies.
11
00:00:37,471 --> 00:00:40,873
Piggy, I don't think
Kermie Jr. is doing so well.
12
00:00:40,875 --> 00:00:44,643
Kill me!
I'm in constant pain!
13
00:00:46,913 --> 00:00:48,012
Oh, hey, Quagmire.
14
00:00:48,014 --> 00:00:50,916
Hey, Peter, do you mind
if I hang out here a while?
15
00:00:50,918 --> 00:00:52,051
I accidentally made
eye contact
16
00:00:52,053 --> 00:00:54,887
with a transvestite at a bar,
and he followed me home.
17
00:00:54,889 --> 00:00:56,655
You knew what you
were staring at!
18
00:00:56,657 --> 00:00:59,024
Get out of here, you mess!
You were far away!
19
00:00:59,026 --> 00:01:00,092
I didn't know
what you were!
20
00:01:00,094 --> 00:01:02,327
You know you want me!
Shut up! Now go home!
21
00:01:02,329 --> 00:01:03,529
Nobody saw me come here!
22
00:01:03,531 --> 00:01:04,530
I said, shut up!
23
00:01:04,532 --> 00:01:05,764
Sneak around back.
24
00:01:05,766 --> 00:01:07,166
Oh, sure.
Come on in, Quagmire.
25
00:01:07,168 --> 00:01:08,901
Oh, you don't have
to take your shoes off.
26
00:01:08,903 --> 00:01:10,235
Our house sucks.
27
00:01:10,237 --> 00:01:12,438
So, Quagmire, if you're
some kind of big ladies' man,
28
00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:14,540
how come I never see you
wearing a necklace?
29
00:01:14,542 --> 00:01:16,508
I, uh... that's
not really my thing.
30
00:01:16,510 --> 00:01:17,843
I'll get you one.
31
00:01:17,845 --> 00:01:19,411
Please don't.
32
00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:20,579
Hey, come on!
33
00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:22,081
The guy wants
to get you a necklace,
34
00:01:22,083 --> 00:01:23,449
let him get you a necklace!
35
00:01:29,957 --> 00:01:31,924
Ah! Ah!
There's a bee in here!
36
00:01:36,363 --> 00:01:38,330
Can you take it up here...?
37
00:01:41,534 --> 00:01:43,602
Wow, we sound
amazing together!
38
00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:45,037
I know!
That was incredible!
39
00:01:45,039 --> 00:01:47,039
You know, we should do
something with this.
40
00:01:47,041 --> 00:01:49,074
Yeah, maybe we could open up
a mattress store.
41
00:01:49,076 --> 00:01:50,476
Or we could try singing.
42
00:01:50,478 --> 00:01:51,477
Yeah, singing,
that's good!
43
00:01:51,479 --> 00:01:53,212
Wow, finally,
something in my life
44
00:01:53,214 --> 00:01:54,446
that makes me feel special.
45
00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:56,815
I mean, except for when
I had those cow udders.
46
00:01:56,817 --> 00:01:58,717
So, as you can see,
the fiscal projections
47
00:01:58,719 --> 00:02:01,153
for the fourth quarter make
this thing a slam dunk.
48
00:02:01,155 --> 00:02:02,788
Any questions?
49
00:02:02,790 --> 00:02:04,556
Not about my cow udders.
50
00:02:04,558 --> 00:02:06,792
All right, then, looks like
we got ourselves a deal.
51
00:02:06,794 --> 00:02:08,994
This is cause
for celebration.
52
00:02:12,399 --> 00:02:15,400
I don't care,
I'm not driving.
53
00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:21,974
Okay, what do you got
for a lyric?
54
00:02:21,976 --> 00:02:24,109
"I put a booger on a
painting at the museum."
55
00:02:24,111 --> 00:02:25,511
Is that... is
that anything?
56
00:02:25,513 --> 00:02:26,612
Maybe, maybe.
57
00:02:26,614 --> 00:02:28,780
All right, I got one.
58
00:02:28,782 --> 00:02:32,151
Alyssa Milano
59
00:02:32,153 --> 00:02:34,920
I knew you were gonna be hot
60
00:02:34,922 --> 00:02:36,488
When you were nine.
61
00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:38,123
How about this?
62
00:02:38,125 --> 00:02:42,327
Every food tastes good
with melted cheese
63
00:02:42,329 --> 00:02:45,764
I like twins,
unless they're Siamese.
64
00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:48,700
There you go!
Now we're jazzin'.
65
00:02:50,436 --> 00:02:55,007
Don't store your condoms
in your billfold
66
00:02:55,009 --> 00:02:58,610
Those things don't work
if they get dry and old
67
00:02:58,612 --> 00:03:01,513
Broken rubber...
68
00:03:01,515 --> 00:03:05,150
Broken rubber!
69
00:03:05,152 --> 00:03:07,519
Guys, I'm trying to do
something up here
70
00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:10,355
that works better
if I don't hear men singing!
71
00:03:10,357 --> 00:03:12,057
Oh, damn,
we're out of paper.
72
00:03:12,059 --> 00:03:13,959
Oh, we'll get some more
down at Mort's.
73
00:03:13,961 --> 00:03:15,627
But, Quagmire,
we are on fire here!
74
00:03:15,629 --> 00:03:17,863
We're gonna be the best thing
since sliced bread!
75
00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:20,199
I'd like a sandwich,
but I don't feel like eating
76
00:03:20,201 --> 00:03:22,534
two whole loaves of bread.
77
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:24,369
Tough!
78
00:03:27,073 --> 00:03:28,707
Hey, do you mind
paying for this?
79
00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:29,908
I don't have any cash.
80
00:03:29,910 --> 00:03:31,743
Sure, I'll just put it
on my credit card.
81
00:03:31,745 --> 00:03:33,245
I'm never gonna
pay it back anyway.
82
00:03:33,247 --> 00:03:37,149
'Cause I have $30,000
in credit card debt
83
00:03:37,151 --> 00:03:39,818
When they call,
I tell them
84
00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:41,420
I can't pay it back yet
85
00:03:41,422 --> 00:03:42,521
Credit card debt
86
00:03:42,523 --> 00:03:44,323
Tomorrow I may buy myself
87
00:03:44,325 --> 00:03:45,891
A dining room set
88
00:03:45,893 --> 00:03:47,192
Or this Boba Fett!
89
00:03:47,194 --> 00:03:49,361
Credit card debt,
credit card debt
90
00:03:49,363 --> 00:03:50,562
Credit card debt.
91
00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:52,164
What is that sound?
92
00:03:52,166 --> 00:03:55,000
It's like two Mandy Patinkins
walked into my store!
93
00:03:55,002 --> 00:03:56,168
Was that you guys singing?
94
00:03:56,170 --> 00:03:57,202
Yeah.
95
00:03:57,204 --> 00:03:59,571
That was beautiful.
And it must be original,
96
00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:01,540
because I know every song
about money,
97
00:04:01,542 --> 00:04:03,408
and I've never heard
that one before.
98
00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:05,711
Well, it was based
on actual events.
99
00:04:05,713 --> 00:04:07,946
Although, I-I don't have
as cavalier an attitude
100
00:04:07,948 --> 00:04:10,249
toward my debt
as the song suggests.
101
00:04:10,251 --> 00:04:11,783
I'm-I'm actually
up most nights
102
00:04:11,785 --> 00:04:13,385
with severe
panic attacks.
103
00:04:13,387 --> 00:04:15,354
I-I've taken to
throwing up in the yard
104
00:04:15,356 --> 00:04:17,055
so my wife
won't hear me.
105
00:04:17,057 --> 00:04:18,457
Well, you guys have got
something special
106
00:04:18,459 --> 00:04:19,791
with those harmonies.
107
00:04:19,793 --> 00:04:21,693
They could give me five
years salary, tax free,
108
00:04:21,695 --> 00:04:23,762
and it wouldn't put
a dent in my problem.
109
00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:25,030
You really think
we're good?
110
00:04:25,032 --> 00:04:25,964
Oh, yeah.
111
00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:27,032
And I should know.
112
00:04:27,034 --> 00:04:28,300
Back in the 1970s,
113
00:04:28,302 --> 00:04:31,570
I used to have my own
record label, Mort Town.
114
00:04:31,572 --> 00:04:35,374
I managed
all the hottest disco acts.
115
00:04:35,376 --> 00:04:37,709
I even managed
Earth, Wind, Fire & Pollen
116
00:04:37,711 --> 00:04:40,145
for a little while,
but I had to give it up.
117
00:04:40,147 --> 00:04:41,480
Do you remember
118
00:04:42,483 --> 00:04:45,584
The 21st night
of September?
119
00:04:47,087 --> 00:04:50,322
Oh! September is
the worst month for pollen!
120
00:04:50,324 --> 00:04:51,422
I had it all.
121
00:04:51,424 --> 00:04:53,992
But it soon all came
to a very ugly end.
122
00:04:53,994 --> 00:04:54,992
How come?
123
00:04:54,994 --> 00:04:58,297
I got addicted to olives.
They were everywhere.
124
00:04:58,299 --> 00:05:00,799
It was so easy to get
your hands on them.
125
00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:04,336
By 1975,
the olives had control.
126
00:05:04,338 --> 00:05:05,637
It was awful.
127
00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:06,972
I lost weight,
128
00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:09,841
my hair straightened,
even my voice changed.
129
00:05:09,843 --> 00:05:13,111
I didn't recognize the man
I saw in the mirror.
130
00:05:13,113 --> 00:05:15,681
What has happened
to you, Mort Goldman?
131
00:05:15,683 --> 00:05:17,849
You've hit rock bottom.
132
00:05:17,851 --> 00:05:20,352
I'm lucky to be alive today.
133
00:05:20,354 --> 00:05:22,020
Anyway, you guys got
the talent,
134
00:05:22,022 --> 00:05:23,455
but what you need
is a manager.
135
00:05:23,457 --> 00:05:24,856
Someone with no talent
136
00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:26,925
who can take a lion's share
of your earnings.
137
00:05:26,927 --> 00:05:28,293
You'd do that for us?
138
00:05:28,295 --> 00:05:30,095
Sure I would.
So, what do you say?
139
00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:31,630
Can I be your manager?
140
00:05:31,632 --> 00:05:32,998
You betcha!
All right!
141
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,032
Put her there!
142
00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:35,667
No, I've seen
your prescriptions.
143
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:37,169
Let's just say
we're doing it.
144
00:05:37,171 --> 00:05:39,137
Well, Mort, I hope
I can trust you.
145
00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:40,172
I've been lied to before.
146
00:05:40,174 --> 00:05:42,274
Well, I'm off to work.
Bye, guys! Love you!
147
00:05:42,276 --> 00:05:43,275
Love you, too!
148
00:05:43,277 --> 00:05:44,343
Bye! Love you!
Love you, Pop!
149
00:05:45,612 --> 00:05:46,945
He bought it!
150
00:05:46,947 --> 00:05:48,013
What an idiot!
151
00:05:48,015 --> 00:05:49,915
I hate him so much
I'm shaking!
152
00:05:54,388 --> 00:05:56,988
All right, fellas,
open mic at the library.
153
00:05:56,990 --> 00:05:58,657
Your first gig.
Go get 'em!
154
00:05:58,659 --> 00:06:01,493
Hey, do I have time to get
a drink at the water fountain
155
00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:03,628
where the water does not crest
above the dispenser?
156
00:06:03,630 --> 00:06:04,696
Sure.
157
00:06:10,970 --> 00:06:13,705
I can taste
the previous person's cough.
158
00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:15,207
Fellow cardholders,
159
00:06:15,209 --> 00:06:18,977
please put your hands together
for Griffin and Quagmire!
160
00:06:23,015 --> 00:06:26,051
I can't poop
in strange places
161
00:06:26,053 --> 00:06:27,519
Strange places
162
00:06:27,521 --> 00:06:31,423
I can only poop
in my home
163
00:06:31,425 --> 00:06:34,926
It's as though
I'm watched by strange faces
164
00:06:34,928 --> 00:06:36,661
Strange faces
165
00:06:36,663 --> 00:06:41,166
It's why I never roam
166
00:06:41,168 --> 00:06:42,334
Excuse me,
I just want
167
00:06:42,336 --> 00:06:44,503
to grab one of
those newspapers.
168
00:06:46,706 --> 00:06:48,440
Just grab one
and go!
169
00:06:48,442 --> 00:06:51,109
I'm looking for a job, okay?!
170
00:06:53,446 --> 00:06:57,349
I've left Stewie alone
with strangers
171
00:06:57,351 --> 00:06:58,884
Strangers
172
00:06:58,886 --> 00:07:03,422
To satisfy
my fecal needs
173
00:07:03,424 --> 00:07:08,093
I've put my whole family
in danger
174
00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:12,764
To poop
before my anus bleeds
175
00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:17,803
Home bowl, home bowl
176
00:07:17,805 --> 00:07:22,274
You know just what I need
177
00:07:22,276 --> 00:07:26,745
Home bowl, home bowl
178
00:07:26,747 --> 00:07:30,715
Poop before my anus bleeds.
179
00:07:32,418 --> 00:07:34,453
Aw, everybody left.
180
00:07:34,455 --> 00:07:36,054
Well, this was
a waste of time.
181
00:07:36,056 --> 00:07:38,256
I could have gone hiking
with the girls.
182
00:07:38,258 --> 00:07:39,491
We don't hike.
183
00:07:39,493 --> 00:07:41,893
We just wear tight pants
and get coffee.
184
00:07:44,997 --> 00:07:47,299
Well, I guess no one cares
about our music.
185
00:07:47,301 --> 00:07:49,267
I thought we were
pretty good.
186
00:07:49,269 --> 00:07:51,269
Yeah, I've seen
worse performances.
187
00:07:51,271 --> 00:07:54,639
I was walking home around
8:15 p.m. to my car.
188
00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:57,342
It was very dark, and then
I-I heard the footsteps...
189
00:07:57,344 --> 00:08:00,278
Boo! Get to the sex!
190
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:01,980
Guys, I got great news!
191
00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:03,582
Oh, what is it, Mort?
192
00:08:03,584 --> 00:08:05,517
I put your performance
on JewTube.
193
00:08:05,519 --> 00:08:08,153
The promoters of the New England
Music Festival saw it,
194
00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:09,521
and they want
to book you!
195
00:08:09,523 --> 00:08:11,089
What?!
Are you kidding me?!
196
00:08:11,091 --> 00:08:12,691
Oh, my God,
you hear that, Quagmire?
197
00:08:12,693 --> 00:08:14,025
We're on our way!
198
00:08:14,027 --> 00:08:16,862
We got to celebrate like
girls in their 20s!
199
00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:26,671
Oh, my God, we are so random!
200
00:08:31,878 --> 00:08:34,546
You got booked at
the New England Music Festival?
201
00:08:34,548 --> 00:08:36,448
Oh, my God, Peter,
that's amazing!
202
00:08:36,450 --> 00:08:39,317
I had no idea you and Quagmire
could even sing!
203
00:08:39,319 --> 00:08:41,520
Now let this be
a lesson to you kids.
204
00:08:41,522 --> 00:08:43,655
If you randomly stumble
upon an amazing talent,
205
00:08:43,657 --> 00:08:46,224
and then someone important
sees it by wild coincidence,
206
00:08:46,226 --> 00:08:48,560
great things can happen
without any hard work.
207
00:08:48,562 --> 00:08:51,530
I'm gonna go jump off
the roof and see if I can fly!
208
00:08:51,532 --> 00:08:53,732
That's it, Chris,
pursue your dream!
209
00:08:53,734 --> 00:08:56,134
A singer, huh?
You as good as the guys
210
00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:58,036
who sing "Happy Birthday"
at Macaroni Grill?
211
00:08:58,038 --> 00:08:59,170
Oh, don't compare me...
212
00:08:59,172 --> 00:09:00,672
Look, they been doing it
for years.
213
00:09:00,674 --> 00:09:03,375
Imagine, my Peter,
the big singing star!
214
00:09:03,377 --> 00:09:06,478
Don't forget about us squares
back at home.
215
00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:07,746
Don't you worry, Lois.
216
00:09:07,748 --> 00:09:09,080
No one has stronger marriages
217
00:09:09,082 --> 00:09:12,083
and more well-adjusted kids
than rock stars.
218
00:09:12,085 --> 00:09:13,585
It's working!
219
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:21,259
What you doing
with that doll?
220
00:09:21,261 --> 00:09:22,594
Oh, hello, Vinny.
221
00:09:22,596 --> 00:09:25,163
Rupert and I are just having
a spritzer and some cheese
222
00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:26,364
in advance
of the performance.
223
00:09:26,366 --> 00:09:28,166
I wouldn't do that.
Why not?
224
00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:29,401
You know,
there was a guy
225
00:09:29,403 --> 00:09:31,002
on my old block,
Johnny Chickstuff.
226
00:09:31,004 --> 00:09:33,238
We called him that because
he used to like to, uh...
227
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:34,339
Do chick stuff?
228
00:09:34,341 --> 00:09:35,707
Do chick stuff!
Exactly.
229
00:09:35,709 --> 00:09:37,242
Anyway, a bunch of us
got together
230
00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:40,612
and beat him with a grill lid
and windshield wipers,
231
00:09:40,614 --> 00:09:43,348
and let's just say, uh, he
don't do chick stuff no more.
232
00:09:43,350 --> 00:09:44,716
'Cause of the beatin's?
233
00:09:44,718 --> 00:09:46,618
Yeah. He wasn't
exactly like us,
234
00:09:46,620 --> 00:09:48,386
so we had to
almost kill him.
235
00:09:48,388 --> 00:09:50,455
That sounds terrible.
What happened to him?
236
00:09:50,457 --> 00:09:51,923
I don't know.
Soon thereafter,
237
00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:54,225
a girl in the neighborhood
married a black guy,
238
00:09:54,227 --> 00:09:56,861
so we all kind of turned
our attention to that.
239
00:09:59,132 --> 00:10:00,298
Look at us, Quagmire.
240
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:02,100
We're making music,
living the dream.
241
00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:04,035
And to think,
just last week,
242
00:10:04,037 --> 00:10:06,938
my only creative outlet was
picking hockey fights at work.
243
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:09,274
Griffin, I need
these shipping reports
244
00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:11,142
filled out by 5:00 today.
245
00:10:17,116 --> 00:10:19,384
Hey, Peter, I just wanted
to wish you good luck.
246
00:10:19,386 --> 00:10:20,919
Oh, that's great.
Thank you so much.
247
00:10:20,921 --> 00:10:21,920
What's your name, honey?
248
00:10:21,922 --> 00:10:23,154
It's me, Lois.
249
00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:24,089
All right,
backstage whore,
250
00:10:24,091 --> 00:10:25,657
here's the key
to my hotel room.
251
00:10:25,659 --> 00:10:28,093
You can flush the dump I left in there.
What?!
252
00:10:28,095 --> 00:10:29,494
Ladies and gentlemen,
253
00:10:29,496 --> 00:10:31,896
please welcome
Griffin and Quagmire!
254
00:10:31,898 --> 00:10:33,164
Peter, we're on!
255
00:10:39,572 --> 00:10:42,140
Have you ever put butter
on a Pop-Tart?
256
00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:44,576
It's so frickin' good
257
00:10:44,578 --> 00:10:46,745
Have you ever put butter
on a Pop-Tart?
258
00:10:46,747 --> 00:10:49,781
If you haven't,
then I think you should
259
00:10:49,783 --> 00:10:51,616
I was sittin' in the kitchen
one day
260
00:10:51,618 --> 00:10:53,084
And I was itchin'
to fill up my belly
261
00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:54,486
With the pipin' hot jelly
262
00:10:54,488 --> 00:10:56,121
Of the best damn treat
in the world
263
00:10:56,123 --> 00:10:57,689
He's talking Pop-Tarts!
264
00:10:57,691 --> 00:11:00,325
And I saw a stick of butter
and it almost made me shudder
265
00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:03,461
And scream like a baby girl
266
00:11:03,463 --> 00:11:05,530
I don't want a giant penis
or a rocket trip to Venus
267
00:11:05,532 --> 00:11:07,766
I don't want
to win the lottery
268
00:11:07,768 --> 00:11:08,933
I just want to squat
and gobble
269
00:11:08,935 --> 00:11:10,135
Till I'm dizzy and I wobble
270
00:11:10,137 --> 00:11:11,970
In a butter, fruit
and dough tart dream
271
00:11:11,972 --> 00:11:14,139
So I put butter
on a Pop-Tart
272
00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:16,775
It was so frickin' good
273
00:11:16,777 --> 00:11:19,110
Have you ever put
butter on a Pop-Tart?
274
00:11:19,112 --> 00:11:21,780
If you haven't,
then I think you should
275
00:11:21,782 --> 00:11:23,548
Everybody come
along with us!
276
00:11:23,550 --> 00:11:26,184
Have you ever put butter on a...
Pop-Tart!
277
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:27,986
It's so frickin' good
Yeah!
278
00:11:27,988 --> 00:11:29,888
Have you ever put
butter on a...
279
00:11:29,890 --> 00:11:31,456
Pop-Tart!
If you haven't
280
00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:33,158
Then I think you should.
281
00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:34,192
Pop-Tart!
282
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:36,394
With butter?!
283
00:11:41,901 --> 00:11:43,201
Hey, you guys were great.
284
00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:44,736
Aw, thanks.
My name's Ricky.
285
00:11:44,738 --> 00:11:46,237
I'm with Sony Records.
286
00:11:46,239 --> 00:11:48,306
Our company's gonna be around
for at least three more weeks,
287
00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:50,208
and we want to sign you.
288
00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:52,844
I'll need to discuss this
with my associate.
289
00:11:52,846 --> 00:11:55,346
I don't know, it-it seems
wrong to just dump Mort.
290
00:11:55,348 --> 00:11:56,915
He's our friend.
Doesn't that matter?
291
00:11:56,917 --> 00:11:59,350
Quagmire, you remember I told
you about that dream I drew?
292
00:11:59,352 --> 00:12:01,219
Yeah?
We're halfway there.
293
00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:03,521
I think if we do this,
we'll get the giraffe.
294
00:12:03,523 --> 00:12:05,156
Okay, okay, I'm in.
295
00:12:05,158 --> 00:12:06,224
You got a deal.
296
00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:07,892
Great!
I'm gonna get you on tour.
297
00:12:07,894 --> 00:12:10,762
This is the beginning
of something big.
298
00:12:10,764 --> 00:12:12,197
Great news, guys!
299
00:12:12,199 --> 00:12:14,766
I may have gotten you booked
at a horse's birthday party.
300
00:12:14,768 --> 00:12:16,267
Mort, you're fired.
What?
301
00:12:16,269 --> 00:12:18,269
Sorry, Mort, but this is
a cutthroat business.
302
00:12:18,271 --> 00:12:20,271
And we need someone tough
in our corner.
303
00:12:20,273 --> 00:12:23,341
Like Indonesian kickboxer
Agoos Bahnwati.
304
00:12:23,343 --> 00:12:25,510
Come on. Come on.
305
00:12:25,512 --> 00:12:27,345
Come on,
come on.
306
00:12:27,347 --> 00:12:29,047
Disappear, disappear.
307
00:12:29,049 --> 00:12:31,349
Come on. Come on.
308
00:12:35,688 --> 00:12:37,455
Peter, I heard you fired Mort.
309
00:12:37,457 --> 00:12:38,890
He's your friend.
310
00:12:38,892 --> 00:12:41,126
He's the one that got you
to where you are today.
311
00:12:41,128 --> 00:12:43,795
Lois, my transcendent talent
got me to where I am.
312
00:12:43,797 --> 00:12:46,297
Peter, I don't like what
success is doing to you.
313
00:12:46,299 --> 00:12:48,533
Yeah, well, I don't like
what time is doing to you.
314
00:12:48,535 --> 00:12:50,802
Droop, droop...
315
00:12:50,804 --> 00:12:52,403
Hey, Chris, you ready
with my luggage?
316
00:12:52,405 --> 00:12:53,772
Luggage? For what?
317
00:12:53,774 --> 00:12:55,373
We're going on tour, Lois.
318
00:12:55,375 --> 00:12:56,641
Here you go, Dad.
319
00:12:56,643 --> 00:12:58,977
I emptied this out so
it'd be easier to carry.
320
00:12:58,979 --> 00:13:00,478
Oh, you're right, it is easier.
321
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:01,579
Good thinking, son.
322
00:13:01,581 --> 00:13:03,381
All right, see you guys
in two months.
323
00:13:03,383 --> 00:13:05,083
Peter, you can't go away
for two months now.
324
00:13:05,085 --> 00:13:06,718
You'll miss Thanksgiving.
325
00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:08,286
I'm sorry, but you're
gonna have to choose
326
00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:10,155
between music and family.
327
00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:11,422
If I choose family,
328
00:13:11,424 --> 00:13:12,891
does it have to
be this family?
329
00:13:12,893 --> 00:13:14,559
Yes, Peter, this family.
330
00:13:14,561 --> 00:13:15,660
So make your choice.
331
00:13:15,662 --> 00:13:17,629
Very well,
this scavenger hunt
332
00:13:17,631 --> 00:13:20,231
will provide you
with my answer.
333
00:13:22,668 --> 00:13:25,103
Here it is...
a penny from 1858!
334
00:13:25,105 --> 00:13:27,238
We're getting closer
to our answer.
335
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:30,408
Wake up, Mom!
He chose the music!
336
00:13:36,015 --> 00:13:37,415
You know, Quagmire,
337
00:13:37,417 --> 00:13:39,150
I feel kind of bad
leaving the family like this
338
00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:40,919
with Thanksgiving coming up.
339
00:13:40,921 --> 00:13:44,155
I mean, if I'm not there,
who's gonna carve the turkey?
340
00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:47,192
I don't understand!
341
00:13:47,194 --> 00:13:49,127
On a tour
of one-night stands
342
00:13:49,129 --> 00:13:51,963
My suitcase and guitar
in hand
343
00:13:51,965 --> 00:13:52,997
And every stop
344
00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:55,099
Is neatly planned
for a poet
345
00:13:55,101 --> 00:13:59,237
And a one-man band.
346
00:14:01,106 --> 00:14:05,710
Everyone from Florida
is stupid
347
00:14:05,712 --> 00:14:08,980
Everyone from
Florida is dumb
348
00:14:08,982 --> 00:14:11,015
I might not be
the brightest guy
349
00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:12,851
But next to them,
my IQ's high
350
00:14:12,853 --> 00:14:15,553
If they had guitars,
here's how they'd strum
351
00:14:17,523 --> 00:14:20,558
Why the hell do you brush
your teeth at work?
352
00:14:22,061 --> 00:14:25,363
Why the hell do you brush
your teeth at work?
353
00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:27,632
The bathroom's
full of poop and pee
354
00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:29,868
And now you've rubbed
that on your teeth
355
00:14:29,870 --> 00:14:33,371
Like you're gonna kiss
someone at 3:00.
356
00:14:35,074 --> 00:14:37,308
Get out of the left lane
357
00:14:37,310 --> 00:14:41,079
You stupid Asian bitch
358
00:14:41,081 --> 00:14:45,049
I don't even know
why you are there.
359
00:14:47,253 --> 00:14:51,823
I...
360
00:14:51,825 --> 00:14:53,558
Have become
361
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:55,426
Comfortably numb.
362
00:14:58,264 --> 00:14:59,264
Okay, Mr. Griffin.
363
00:14:59,266 --> 00:15:00,331
Now you've got
your flu shot.
364
00:15:00,333 --> 00:15:02,233
Will you stop
giving him flu shots, man?
365
00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:03,401
We got a show to do!
366
00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:06,204
Ah, Quagmire, it's cool,
it's cool.
367
00:15:06,206 --> 00:15:09,440
This is the doctor
that killed Michael Jackson.
368
00:15:12,177 --> 00:15:13,945
Yesterday, I learned
the difference
369
00:15:13,947 --> 00:15:15,413
between a train and a boat.
370
00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:17,282
I wrote this song
before that.
371
00:15:17,284 --> 00:15:19,284
Train on the water
372
00:15:19,286 --> 00:15:21,052
Boat on a track
373
00:15:21,054 --> 00:15:22,887
Train on the water
374
00:15:22,889 --> 00:15:24,422
Boat on a track
375
00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:27,892
My lady took a train
across the Atlantic
376
00:15:27,894 --> 00:15:32,030
I hope it don't sink
like the Titanic
377
00:15:32,032 --> 00:15:35,300
I went to the station,
caught a boat downtown
378
00:15:35,302 --> 00:15:39,137
I hope it don't fall
off the track and I drown
379
00:15:39,139 --> 00:15:40,204
Ladies and gentlemen,
380
00:15:40,206 --> 00:15:43,274
the All-Five-Foot-One
Black Albino Choir!
381
00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:44,909
Train on the water
382
00:15:44,911 --> 00:15:46,744
Boat on a track
383
00:15:46,746 --> 00:15:48,546
Train on the water
384
00:15:48,548 --> 00:15:50,648
Boat on a track.
385
00:15:54,220 --> 00:15:58,222
This waitress is prettier
than my wife
386
00:15:58,224 --> 00:16:02,427
I could kill my family
with a knife
387
00:16:02,429 --> 00:16:04,662
We'll sail around
the world by ship
388
00:16:04,664 --> 00:16:06,764
I'll give my whole wad
as a tip
389
00:16:06,766 --> 00:16:10,601
But first I'll kill
my family with a knife
390
00:16:10,603 --> 00:16:14,605
Yes, he's gonna kill
his family with a knife
391
00:16:14,607 --> 00:16:17,742
Irregardless of this waitress,
I will kill them with a knife.
392
00:16:17,744 --> 00:16:19,177
Hold it, hold it.
Stop the tape!
393
00:16:19,179 --> 00:16:21,312
You gonna fart in this
airtight booth all night?
394
00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:22,313
It wasn't me.
395
00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:23,915
We're the only
two people in here!
396
00:16:23,917 --> 00:16:25,750
Hey, Bobby, can you play
back Peter's track?
397
00:16:25,752 --> 00:16:27,318
This waitress
398
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,388
Is prettier than my wife...
399
00:16:33,325 --> 00:16:35,927
Ah! Thank God.
400
00:16:35,929 --> 00:16:37,628
Come on, guys, you've
been bickering all ni...
401
00:16:37,630 --> 00:16:39,430
Oh, God!
402
00:16:39,432 --> 00:16:41,366
We got the album
covers that Peter approved.
403
00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:42,433
Wait, wait, Peter,
404
00:16:42,435 --> 00:16:44,602
you approved these
without consulting me?
405
00:16:44,604 --> 00:16:46,371
Don't worry, they're great.
406
00:16:59,218 --> 00:17:00,852
I can be giggity.
407
00:17:00,854 --> 00:17:02,887
I can be goo.
408
00:17:02,889 --> 00:17:05,023
I can be giggity.
409
00:17:05,025 --> 00:17:06,491
I can be goo.
410
00:17:06,493 --> 00:17:09,227
Hey, Quagmire, wake up.
I got us twins.
411
00:17:09,229 --> 00:17:10,395
Peter, those are guys.
412
00:17:10,397 --> 00:17:12,363
Hell, yeah,
the Winklevoss twins.
413
00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:15,199
They have
good ideas we can steal.
414
00:17:15,201 --> 00:17:16,234
Peter, quit
screwing around!
415
00:17:16,236 --> 00:17:18,302
We're about to go on
national television.
416
00:17:18,304 --> 00:17:21,205
Now, please welcome
our very special musical guests,
417
00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:23,274
Griffin and Quagmire.
418
00:17:26,745 --> 00:17:28,579
Wait, Quagmire, you got
something on your face.
419
00:17:28,581 --> 00:17:30,882
Aah! Damn it, Peter,
that was my eyebrow!
420
00:17:30,884 --> 00:17:32,050
Let's not make a scene.
421
00:17:32,052 --> 00:17:34,719
We're on TV.
422
00:17:34,721 --> 00:17:38,923
You never should look
at your mother's boobies
423
00:17:38,925 --> 00:17:42,994
No matter how big
and round they are
424
00:17:42,996 --> 00:17:47,365
You'll end up seeing
something you don't wanna
425
00:17:47,367 --> 00:17:51,335
It's guaranteed to
leave a mental scar
426
00:17:51,337 --> 00:17:55,440
You never should look
at your daddy's penis
427
00:17:55,442 --> 00:17:59,343
When he's walking down
the hall on Sunday morn
428
00:17:59,345 --> 00:18:04,215
An acorn in a nest of twigs,
and underneath two fetal pigs
429
00:18:04,217 --> 00:18:08,419
It'll make you wish
you weren't even born
430
00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:12,390
Parents are gross,
parents are gross
431
00:18:12,392 --> 00:18:16,194
Parents are gross,
parents are gross...
432
00:18:16,196 --> 00:18:17,962
Come on, you.
Get out of there.
433
00:18:19,299 --> 00:18:21,032
My pick's in here.
434
00:18:24,303 --> 00:18:26,437
Come on!
435
00:18:31,577 --> 00:18:34,879
Come... Uhp, uhp, it just
skipped right over the strings!
436
00:18:34,881 --> 00:18:36,380
Yup, there it goes again.
437
00:18:36,382 --> 00:18:38,549
I saw it!
I totally saw it!
438
00:18:38,551 --> 00:18:41,252
All right, that's it!
439
00:18:42,489 --> 00:18:44,522
We're done!
Do you hear me? I quit!
440
00:18:46,458 --> 00:18:49,160
Hey, y-your makeup lady
was crying earlier.
441
00:18:49,162 --> 00:18:50,495
Wh-What was that about?
442
00:18:50,497 --> 00:18:52,430
This is my time.
443
00:18:52,432 --> 00:18:54,232
Don't ever
talk to me
444
00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:56,534
during my time!
445
00:18:59,771 --> 00:19:02,773
Well, kids,
happy Thanksgiving.
446
00:19:02,775 --> 00:19:04,609
I wish Dad was here.
447
00:19:04,611 --> 00:19:06,310
Meg, could you zip up your fly?
448
00:19:06,312 --> 00:19:08,146
Th-That's kind of
wafting over here.
449
00:19:09,916 --> 00:19:11,516
I can't poop
450
00:19:11,518 --> 00:19:13,117
In strange places
451
00:19:13,119 --> 00:19:14,185
Peter?
Dad?
452
00:19:14,187 --> 00:19:15,286
Oh, boy.
453
00:19:15,288 --> 00:19:16,687
Larry, you got
to get out of here.
454
00:19:16,689 --> 00:19:18,122
It's been a great
two months!
455
00:19:18,124 --> 00:19:20,057
Meg, keep painting!
456
00:19:22,528 --> 00:19:27,265
I'm so sorry
that I left my family
457
00:19:27,267 --> 00:19:31,802
And that I decided to roam.
458
00:19:31,804 --> 00:19:33,538
Peter, what are you doing here?
459
00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:35,840
Me and Quagmire kind
of had a falling out.
460
00:19:35,842 --> 00:19:37,608
And after that,
I-I realized I...
461
00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:38,776
Meg, can you please stop
462
00:19:38,778 --> 00:19:40,545
stuffing your face
for two seconds?
463
00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:43,381
Look, I'm sorry
for being a jerk,
464
00:19:43,383 --> 00:19:45,383
and letting a little fame
go to my head.
465
00:19:45,385 --> 00:19:47,785
I just hope you guys
can forgive me.
466
00:19:47,787 --> 00:19:50,454
Oh, Peter.
467
00:19:52,225 --> 00:19:53,991
I missed you so much.
468
00:19:53,993 --> 00:19:55,960
Oh, we missed you, too.
469
00:19:55,962 --> 00:19:57,461
But I understand.
470
00:19:57,463 --> 00:19:58,829
You had to go
chase your dream.
471
00:19:58,831 --> 00:20:00,731
And a part of me
is glad you did.
472
00:20:00,733 --> 00:20:04,168
But now I'm just happy
that you're home.
473
00:20:04,170 --> 00:20:05,403
Welcome home, Dad!
474
00:20:05,405 --> 00:20:07,972
So, did you get a lot of
trim on the road, Dad?
475
00:20:07,974 --> 00:20:10,074
Chris, that's inappropriate.
476
00:20:14,479 --> 00:20:17,081
Hey, you got room for another?
477
00:20:18,750 --> 00:20:19,884
Quagmire?
478
00:20:19,886 --> 00:20:21,686
I thought you were
still out on the road.
479
00:20:21,688 --> 00:20:23,588
I was, but then I thought,
480
00:20:23,590 --> 00:20:25,423
what was Simon
without Garfunkel?
481
00:20:25,425 --> 00:20:27,225
Wildly successful?
482
00:20:27,227 --> 00:20:29,160
Yeah, but all that success
would mean nothing
483
00:20:29,162 --> 00:20:30,695
if I lost my best friend.
484
00:20:30,697 --> 00:20:33,064
Do you... do you think
you can forgive me?
485
00:20:33,066 --> 00:20:35,166
Oh, Quagmire.
486
00:20:39,204 --> 00:20:41,839
Well, I'm glad to have you back
home for Thanksgiving, Peter.
487
00:20:41,841 --> 00:20:43,608
And I'm glad to be here.
488
00:20:43,610 --> 00:20:45,776
'Cause everyone knows
that life after being famous
489
00:20:45,778 --> 00:20:48,412
is even better
than it was before.
490
00:20:48,414 --> 00:20:50,514
Let me just grab my
stuff off the bus.
491
00:20:58,624 --> 00:21:00,291
I don't want a giant penis
or a rocket trip to Venus
492
00:21:00,293 --> 00:21:02,026
I don't want
to win the lottery
493
00:21:02,028 --> 00:21:03,194
I just wanna squat
and gobble
494
00:21:03,196 --> 00:21:04,362
Till I'm dizzy and I wobble
495
00:21:04,364 --> 00:21:06,097
In a butter, fruit
and dough tart dream
496
00:21:06,099 --> 00:21:08,766
So I put butter
on a Pop-Tart
497
00:21:08,768 --> 00:21:11,135
It was so frickin' good
498
00:21:11,137 --> 00:21:12,870
Have you ever put
butter on a Pop-Tart?
499
00:21:12,872 --> 00:21:15,906
If you haven't,
then I think you should
500
00:21:15,908 --> 00:21:17,441
Everybody come along with us!
501
00:21:17,443 --> 00:21:19,210
Have you ever put
butter on a...
502
00:21:19,212 --> 00:21:20,211
Pop-Tart!
503
00:21:20,213 --> 00:21:21,912
It's so frickin' good
504
00:21:21,914 --> 00:21:23,214
Yeah, have you ever put
butter on a...
505
00:21:23,216 --> 00:21:24,715
Pop-Tart!
506
00:21:24,717 --> 00:21:27,818
If you haven't,
then I think you should.36339
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