Original subtitles

- Our next stop is Philadelphia,

and the centennial exposition,

birthplace of the new rebellion.

- [Jane] Well, the president's gonna be here.

- We're really gonna meet President Grant?

- I can't wait to line that vile Grant

up in the sites of one of his own cannons.

(whip cracks)

(blows thud)

(gunfire)

Y'all are prisoners of war.

- This guy's coat's missing a few buttons.

(western music)

- Here they are.

Grant may be a red-handed murderer,

but he gets the trains to run on time.

(adventurous music)

Let's do it for Dixie, Jack.

- What in the Sam Hill?

- Yankee deserves to die.

- No shooting, unless you have to.

It's not that I'm a Northern lover, Jack.

We just can't afford to get any blood on the uniforms.

From a Confederate captain to a Yankee major?

A demotion of some magnitude.

(laughter)

- I dumped them in the desert.

- They won't get far dressed in their long johns.

All right, men, to your posts.

Our next stop is Philadelphia,

and the centennial exposition,

birthplace of the new rebellion.

(gentle music)

(gulps)

- Why Janie, you're as pretty as a picture

in one of them catalogs I seen at the general store.

- Thanks, I guess.

I feel ridiculous.

Not even a place to hang a weapon on a rig like this.

(laugh)

- You're welcome to polite society.

- Sir, ma'am.

- Yeah, a lot of guards.

- Well, the president's gonna be here.

Something about that guy at the gate, though.

- The centennial exposition.

I declare, Janie, I ain't never

seen nothing quite so grand.

- Me neither.

- And these news finger bananas, I like 'em.

You don't need no teeth to eat with them.

- Watch where you're going, bumpkin.

Apparently they'll allow any sort

of ruffian onto these fairgrounds, Amanda.

But in here of all places.

- Yes, Auntie.

- Bumpkin? Ruffian?

I tell you, Janie, if Vanderbilt weren't paying

to have us check out these here railroad inventions,

I wouldn't take this abuse.

- Get used to it, Joe.

We're not in Deadwood anymore.

Let's go look at the army train like we're supposed to.

(drumroll)

(guns click)

(gunfire)

(upbeat music)

(dynamite explodes)

- Vanderbilt was right.

That contraption's mighty impressive.

- Maybe, but I can think of five different ways

to stop it without even studying the problem.

- Bad investment?

- That's what I'm going to be telling him.

Gal's got quite a reach, doesn't she, Joe?

- Sure enough.

I wouldn't mind having her on my side in a to-do.

- But that's Miss Liberty, Joe.

She's always on your side in this land.

It's getting late, we best be getting back to the party.

- We're really gonna meet President Grant?

- That's what Vanderbilt said.

- Well hot diggity dang, my mama would be so proud.

- Joe, your mama was a rebel, tried and true.

- Hmm, so she was.

Oh well.

- Then the shambling, horrible cowperson

practically tackled me to the ground.

I suppose he was aflame with desire,

the way the great apes that Darwin describes.

Oh dear, I believe I've made a faux pas.

He's actually a guest.

- Smart talking me like. (grumbles)

- Joe.

- Why hello, I'm Hortense Rothchild, your hostess.

And you are?

- Calamity Jane.

And this is Joe Presto.

- The bumpkin.

- Calamity Jane?

Why, you're practically a legend.

My niece Amanda was just saying

how courageous she thought you were.

Isn't that right, dear?

- Um, yes, but auntie, you weren't supposed to...

- Commodore Vanderbilt wired me that you were coming.

I'm to keep you out of trouble.

- Trouble?

- Well, as they say,

you can take the girl out of the country,

but you can't take the country out of the girl.

We don't want to embarrass ourselves

in front of President Grant, do we?

- When I don't know about you, lady, but we.

- Why don't you go mingle with the upper classes, Joe?

- No-good fancy pants, high- toned, stiff neck, stuck up.

- He's very amusing, almost like

a trained monkey in that tuxedo.

Oh look, he's even eating a banana.

I suppose you keep him around for laughs.

- Auntie, Joe Presto's almost as famous as Calamity Jane.

He's a hero in his own right.

- Kind of you to say.

- Amanda, hasn't finishing school taught you anything?

There are people of breeding, and there are everyone else.

- Yes, Auntie.

- If you'll excuse me, I need some fresh air.

- Not our type, dear, always remember that.

There are certain things that lady does,

and there are certain things she doesn't.

- Oh, Auntie.

- Shane, the President Grant will never know what hit him.

Once one of them cannonballs knocks

on his carriage door, real polite like.

(door creaks)

(exciting music)

(body thuds)

- Ugh!

(gunfire)

(guests scream)

Oh.

(gunfire)

- Calm and keep your hands where I can see them,

or you will be shot.

Y'all are prisoners of war.

(gunfire)

(gasps for breath)

(groans)

You men go find out what happened.

Search the lake.

You two, guard this Yankee cattle.

If anyone gets out of line, execute 'em.

(suspenseful music)

(gun clicks)

You have the honor to be witnesses to a fresh beginning.

If you must die, be comforted that

you will be martrys to a great cause,

the catalysts of our new rebellion.

From the ashes of this exposition shall rise

the glory of a rejuvenated Confederacy.

The butchers of the North will pay for their crimes,

beginning with your president,

who we of the South do not recognize.

- This guy's coats missing a few buttons.

- Hostages secure. - Good.

Let's get to the roof.

I can't wait to line that vile Grant up

in the sights of one of his own cannons.

When the smoke clears and they're trying

to pick the pieces of the president

from the splinters of his carriage,

the world will know that we have

right and might on our side.

- Hmm, dang frilly frock might as well do me some good.

- Don't move, or I'll shoot.

- How dare they?

How dare they?

- Calamity's not here.

Must've been the one causing all the commotion.

Excuse me, boys.

- Hold it there, Yankee.

- Now, don't shoot, this lady's very sick.

She needs a glass of water.

- What do you think you're... Ooh! - You hear that?

Pressure's building up in her boiler,

and she could blow at any minute.

Now how about that water?

- Go ahead, but don't try nothing funny.

- Oh!

Calamity Jane? I thought... - Amanda?

You trying to get yourself killed?

- I'm trying to stay alive.

- Can't blame you for that.

Just lucky you didn't really need to use this.

Unless one of them rebels had to look pretty like.

Now, what are you doing here?

- Trying not to... - Come on.

Let's see what we can do to get

into a little trouble on the roof.

- We?

- Another boring soiree tonight, Maury.

I miss the old days of blood and thunder.

(sighs)

Well, at least this Calamity Jane

is supposed to be a character.

Perhaps we can swap war stories.

(hooves clacking)

(suspenseful music)

(yawns)

- Hmm.

(branch snaps) What?

(whip cracks)

(body thuds)

- This way, hurry.

(door creaks)

- Come on, this way.

There she is!

(laughs)

Boo.

(gasps)

- Drop your guns, boys.

You don't stand a chance.

(mouth harp)

(laughs)

Now, we can either do this the easy way or...

- Ah, this'll be easy.

- Figures.

(carriage rattles)

They always pick the hard way.

You can drop the terrified act, Amanda, we got 'em.

- You think it's an act?

Being terrified is the only thing about

this whole horrible situation that I'm good at.

Standing there, just watching

all those men try to kill you.

I hate that! I hate it!

- Shh, Amanda, of course you do.

Of course you do.

- Well, I guess it's about time to lend Janie a hand.

- I can't believe you struck me, you dirty, filthy,

no good, denture-wearing, ungentlemanly.

Look at me when I'm lecturing you.

- I think you ought to keep your head low

before the firing commences, don't you?

(mechanism clicks)

- I remember how cannons like these

hammered us at Gettysburg.

- Well, this time it's the Yankees

who will be on the receiving end.

(harmonica music)

- Stand away from that cannon, and don't get cute.

(corn bursts)

- We're under attack!

We need reinforcements in here.

Whoa! (grunts)

(laughs)

- Slipping on a banana peel, that's a new one.

- Guess you are good for something.

- Well, that's more than I can say for you.

- You made a bad mistake, ma'am.

(exciting music)

(flame crackles)

(blow thuds)

- Die, Yankee!

(cannon fires)

(horses neigh)

(whip cracks) (gunfire)

- Pull that trigger, and you'll be

whistling Dixie for the last time.

- Uh, no! - Oh no, you don't.

Ah.

- The fates have ruined our plan,

but at least they allowed us a way out.

- There, even Steven.

You saved me, I saved you.

- I did, didn't I? Hardly noticed.

Guess I was too busy doing something

for a change rather than just being helpless.

- You think?

Care to do the honors?

- Why, thank you ever so much.

- Got to tell Joe I thought of

another way to stop that train.

- Are you sure I can't persuade you, Ms. Calamity?

- Sorry, sir, no.

- Well, if you won't work for me,

I can at least hire your capable associate.

You're obviously a person of great bravery,

if today's events are any indication.

I will not take no for an answer.

- I'd be honored, Mr. President.

- Amanda, civilized people do not

dirty their hands with things like work.

- Then I guess I don't wish to be civilized anymore.

Being myself is better.

- Why, I, I, I...

- I bet that's the first time she's been at a loss

for words since she learned to vocalize.

- Just remember, you can do anything

you set your mind to, Amanda.

- I know.

A lady I met recently told me so.

(western music)

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