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1
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- Our next stop is Philadelphia,
2
00:00:02,770 --> 00:00:04,760
and the centennial exposition,
3
00:00:04,840 --> 00:00:07,293
birthplace of the new rebellion.
4
00:00:08,311 --> 00:00:12,359
- [Jane] Well, the president's gonna be here.
5
00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:14,520
- We're really gonna meet President Grant?
6
00:00:16,099 --> 00:00:18,250
- I can't wait to line that vile Grant
7
00:00:18,330 --> 00:00:20,935
up in the sites of one of his own cannons.
8
00:00:21,015 --> 00:00:23,411
(whip cracks)
9
00:00:23,491 --> 00:00:24,933
(blows thud)
10
00:00:24,934 --> 00:00:25,845
(gunfire)
11
00:00:25,846 --> 00:00:28,740
Y'all are prisoners of war.
12
00:00:28,820 --> 00:00:31,090
- This guy's coat's missing a few buttons.
13
00:00:32,785 --> 00:00:35,452
(western music)
14
00:01:34,746 --> 00:01:36,627
- Here they are.
15
00:01:36,628 --> 00:01:38,820
Grant may be a red-handed murderer,
16
00:01:38,900 --> 00:01:41,153
but he gets the trains to run on time.
17
00:01:48,210 --> 00:01:51,210
(adventurous music)
18
00:01:56,210 --> 00:01:58,093
Let's do it for Dixie, Jack.
19
00:02:13,290 --> 00:02:14,713
- What in the Sam Hill?
20
00:02:18,770 --> 00:02:20,863
- Yankee deserves to die.
21
00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:24,570
- No shooting, unless you have to.
22
00:02:24,650 --> 00:02:26,990
It's not that I'm a Northern lover, Jack.
23
00:02:27,070 --> 00:02:31,173
We just can't afford to
get any blood on the uniforms.
24
00:02:33,860 --> 00:02:37,980
From a Confederate captain to a Yankee major?
25
00:02:38,060 --> 00:02:40,689
A demotion of some magnitude.
26
00:02:40,769 --> 00:02:42,660
(laughter)
27
00:02:42,740 --> 00:02:44,630
- I dumped them in the desert.
28
00:02:44,710 --> 00:02:47,610
- They won't get far dressed in their long johns.
29
00:02:47,690 --> 00:02:49,770
All right, men, to your posts.
30
00:02:49,850 --> 00:02:52,280
Our next stop is Philadelphia,
31
00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:54,360
and the centennial exposition,
32
00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:56,663
birthplace of the new rebellion.
33
00:02:58,565 --> 00:03:01,148
(gentle music)
34
00:03:13,096 --> 00:03:14,320
(gulps)
35
00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:16,440
- Why Janie, you're as pretty as a picture
36
00:03:16,510 --> 00:03:19,110
in one of them catalogs
I seen at the general store.
37
00:03:20,090 --> 00:03:21,580
- Thanks, I guess.
38
00:03:21,660 --> 00:03:23,330
I feel ridiculous.
39
00:03:23,410 --> 00:03:26,458
Not even a place to hang
a weapon on a rig like this.
40
00:03:26,459 --> 00:03:27,370
(laugh)
41
00:03:27,371 --> 00:03:29,111
- You're welcome to polite society.
42
00:03:33,590 --> 00:03:35,043
- Sir, ma'am.
43
00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:39,130
- Yeah, a lot of guards.
44
00:03:39,210 --> 00:03:41,360
- Well, the president's gonna be here.
45
00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:43,690
Something about that guy at the gate, though.
46
00:03:48,950 --> 00:03:51,470
- The centennial exposition.
47
00:03:51,550 --> 00:03:53,350
I declare, Janie, I ain't never
48
00:03:53,430 --> 00:03:55,850
seen nothing quite so grand.
49
00:03:55,930 --> 00:03:57,490
- Me neither.
50
00:03:57,570 --> 00:04:00,550
- And these news finger bananas, I like 'em.
51
00:04:00,630 --> 00:04:02,680
You don't need no teeth to eat with them.
52
00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:07,210
- Watch where you're going, bumpkin.
53
00:04:07,211 --> 00:04:08,779
Apparently they'll allow any sort
54
00:04:08,780 --> 00:04:10,990
of ruffian onto these fairgrounds, Amanda.
55
00:04:11,070 --> 00:04:13,433
But in here of all places.
56
00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:15,650
- Yes, Auntie.
57
00:04:16,550 --> 00:04:17,713
- Bumpkin? Ruffian?
58
00:04:17,714 --> 00:04:20,839
I tell you, Janie, if Vanderbilt weren't paying
59
00:04:20,840 --> 00:04:23,249
to have us check out these
here railroad inventions,
60
00:04:23,250 --> 00:04:25,040
I wouldn't take this abuse.
61
00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:26,390
- Get used to it, Joe.
62
00:04:26,470 --> 00:04:28,440
We're not in Deadwood anymore.
63
00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:31,694
Let's go look at the army
train like we're supposed to.
64
00:04:31,774 --> 00:04:34,024
(drumroll)
65
00:04:36,654 --> 00:04:39,071
(guns click)
66
00:04:41,335 --> 00:04:43,502
(gunfire)
67
00:04:45,323 --> 00:04:47,906
(upbeat music)
68
00:04:50,565 --> 00:04:51,645
(dynamite explodes)
69
00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:53,363
- Vanderbilt was right.
70
00:04:53,443 --> 00:04:55,423
That contraption's mighty impressive.
71
00:04:56,260 --> 00:04:58,670
- Maybe, but I can think of five different ways
72
00:04:58,750 --> 00:05:01,578
to stop it without even studying the problem.
73
00:05:01,658 --> 00:05:03,020
- Bad investment?
74
00:05:03,100 --> 00:05:05,080
- That's what I'm going to be telling him.
75
00:05:06,330 --> 00:05:08,810
Gal's got quite a reach, doesn't she, Joe?
76
00:05:08,811 --> 00:05:09,722
- Sure enough.
77
00:05:09,723 --> 00:05:13,409
I wouldn't mind having her on my side in a to-do.
78
00:05:13,489 --> 00:05:15,120
- But that's Miss Liberty, Joe.
79
00:05:15,200 --> 00:05:18,000
She's always on your side in this land.
80
00:05:18,001 --> 00:05:20,229
It's getting late, we best
be getting back to the party.
81
00:05:20,230 --> 00:05:22,690
- We're really gonna meet President Grant?
82
00:05:22,691 --> 00:05:24,169
- That's what Vanderbilt said.
83
00:05:24,170 --> 00:05:28,270
- Well hot diggity dang,
my mama would be so proud.
84
00:05:28,350 --> 00:05:31,553
- Joe, your mama was a rebel, tried and true.
85
00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:34,300
- Hmm, so she was.
86
00:05:34,380 --> 00:05:35,430
Oh well.
87
00:05:41,060 --> 00:05:43,360
- Then the shambling, horrible cowperson
88
00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:45,550
practically tackled me to the ground.
89
00:05:45,630 --> 00:05:47,600
I suppose he was aflame with desire,
90
00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:50,180
the way the great apes that Darwin describes.
91
00:05:50,260 --> 00:05:53,010
Oh dear, I believe I've made a faux pas.
92
00:05:53,090 --> 00:05:54,723
He's actually a guest.
93
00:05:55,590 --> 00:05:58,726
- Smart talking me like.
(grumbles)
94
00:05:58,727 --> 00:05:59,638
- Joe.
95
00:05:59,639 --> 00:06:03,840
- Why hello, I'm Hortense
Rothchild, your hostess.
96
00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:05,130
And you are?
97
00:06:05,210 --> 00:06:06,640
- Calamity Jane.
98
00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:08,610
And this is Joe Presto.
99
00:06:08,690 --> 00:06:09,750
- The bumpkin.
100
00:06:09,830 --> 00:06:11,530
- Calamity Jane?
101
00:06:11,610 --> 00:06:13,740
Why, you're practically a legend.
102
00:06:13,741 --> 00:06:15,209
My niece Amanda was just saying
103
00:06:15,210 --> 00:06:16,749
how courageous she thought you were.
104
00:06:16,750 --> 00:06:17,950
Isn't that right, dear?
105
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:21,850
- Um, yes, but auntie, you weren't supposed to...
106
00:06:21,851 --> 00:06:24,559
- Commodore Vanderbilt wired
me that you were coming.
107
00:06:24,560 --> 00:06:26,530
I'm to keep you out of trouble.
108
00:06:26,531 --> 00:06:27,479
- Trouble?
109
00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:28,800
- Well, as they say,
110
00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:30,950
you can take the girl out of the country,
111
00:06:30,951 --> 00:06:33,089
but you can't take the country out of the girl.
112
00:06:33,090 --> 00:06:34,699
We don't want to embarrass ourselves
113
00:06:34,700 --> 00:06:37,110
in front of President Grant, do we?
114
00:06:37,190 --> 00:06:40,170
- When I don't know about you, lady, but we.
115
00:06:40,250 --> 00:06:43,103
- Why don't you go mingle
with the upper classes, Joe?
116
00:06:44,192 --> 00:06:48,130
- No-good fancy pants, high-
toned, stiff neck, stuck up.
117
00:06:48,210 --> 00:06:50,880
- He's very amusing, almost like
118
00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:53,300
a trained monkey in that tuxedo.
119
00:06:53,380 --> 00:06:56,330
Oh look, he's even eating a banana.
120
00:06:56,410 --> 00:06:58,710
I suppose you keep him around for laughs.
121
00:06:58,790 --> 00:07:02,550
- Auntie, Joe Presto's almost
as famous as Calamity Jane.
122
00:07:02,630 --> 00:07:04,810
He's a hero in his own right.
123
00:07:04,890 --> 00:07:06,090
- Kind of you to say.
124
00:07:06,170 --> 00:07:09,490
- Amanda, hasn't finishing
school taught you anything?
125
00:07:09,570 --> 00:07:13,290
There are people of breeding,
and there are everyone else.
126
00:07:13,370 --> 00:07:14,420
- Yes, Auntie.
127
00:07:19,540 --> 00:07:22,070
- If you'll excuse me, I need some fresh air.
128
00:07:22,150 --> 00:07:24,930
- Not our type, dear, always remember that.
129
00:07:24,931 --> 00:07:26,919
There are certain things that lady does,
130
00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:29,210
and there are certain things she doesn't.
131
00:07:29,290 --> 00:07:30,340
- Oh, Auntie.
132
00:07:38,890 --> 00:07:42,040
- Shane, the President Grant
will never know what hit him.
133
00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:43,970
Once one of them cannonballs knocks
134
00:07:44,050 --> 00:07:46,633
on his carriage door, real polite like.
135
00:07:49,507 --> 00:07:52,007
(door creaks)
136
00:07:54,254 --> 00:07:56,462
(exciting music)
137
00:07:56,542 --> 00:07:58,959
(body thuds)
138
00:08:06,309 --> 00:08:07,359
- Ugh!
139
00:08:13,908 --> 00:08:16,660
(gunfire)
140
00:08:16,740 --> 00:08:18,274
(guests scream)
141
00:08:18,354 --> 00:08:19,404
Oh.
142
00:08:19,405 --> 00:08:20,997
(gunfire)
143
00:08:20,998 --> 00:08:23,900
- Calm and keep your hands where I can see them,
144
00:08:23,980 --> 00:08:26,660
or you will be shot.
145
00:08:26,740 --> 00:08:29,123
Y'all are prisoners of war.
146
00:08:38,741 --> 00:08:40,908
(gunfire)
147
00:08:49,673 --> 00:08:52,590
(gasps for breath)
148
00:09:39,195 --> 00:09:41,278
(groans)
149
00:09:52,518 --> 00:09:55,649
You men go find out what happened.
150
00:09:55,650 --> 00:09:56,700
Search the lake.
151
00:09:59,080 --> 00:10:01,833
You two, guard this Yankee cattle.
152
00:10:01,913 --> 00:10:04,447
If anyone gets out of line, execute 'em.
153
00:10:05,317 --> 00:10:08,317
(suspenseful music)
154
00:10:32,291 --> 00:10:34,708
(gun clicks)
155
00:11:02,309 --> 00:11:06,010
You have the honor to be
witnesses to a fresh beginning.
156
00:11:06,090 --> 00:11:08,090
If you must die, be comforted that
157
00:11:08,170 --> 00:11:10,430
you will be martrys to a great cause,
158
00:11:10,510 --> 00:11:13,290
the catalysts of our new rebellion.
159
00:11:13,370 --> 00:11:15,930
From the ashes of this exposition shall rise
160
00:11:16,010 --> 00:11:19,000
the glory of a rejuvenated Confederacy.
161
00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:22,023
The butchers of the North
will pay for their crimes,
162
00:11:23,070 --> 00:11:24,970
beginning with your president,
163
00:11:25,050 --> 00:11:28,640
who we of the South do not recognize.
164
00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:30,953
- This guy's coats missing a few buttons.
165
00:11:33,110 --> 00:11:35,510
- Hostages secure.
- Good.
166
00:11:35,590 --> 00:11:36,920
Let's get to the roof.
167
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:40,130
I can't wait to line that vile Grant up
168
00:11:40,210 --> 00:11:42,670
in the sights of one of his own cannons.
169
00:11:42,750 --> 00:11:44,790
When the smoke clears and they're trying
170
00:11:44,791 --> 00:11:46,499
to pick the pieces of the president
171
00:11:46,500 --> 00:11:48,530
from the splinters of his carriage,
172
00:11:48,610 --> 00:11:50,420
the world will know that we have
173
00:11:50,500 --> 00:11:53,793
right and might on our side.
174
00:12:00,432 --> 00:12:03,863
- Hmm, dang frilly frock
might as well do me some good.
175
00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:12,233
- Don't move, or I'll shoot.
176
00:12:15,270 --> 00:12:16,460
- How dare they?
177
00:12:16,540 --> 00:12:18,330
How dare they?
178
00:12:18,410 --> 00:12:19,650
- Calamity's not here.
179
00:12:19,730 --> 00:12:22,140
Must've been the one causing all the commotion.
180
00:12:22,220 --> 00:12:23,320
Excuse me, boys.
181
00:12:23,321 --> 00:12:24,469
- Hold it there, Yankee.
182
00:12:24,470 --> 00:12:26,830
- Now, don't shoot, this lady's very sick.
183
00:12:26,831 --> 00:12:28,169
She needs a glass of water.
184
00:12:28,170 --> 00:12:30,139
- What do you think you're... Ooh!
- You hear that?
185
00:12:30,140 --> 00:12:31,889
Pressure's building up in her boiler,
186
00:12:31,890 --> 00:12:33,359
and she could blow at any minute.
187
00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:34,730
Now how about that water?
188
00:12:34,810 --> 00:12:37,873
- Go ahead, but don't try nothing funny.
189
00:12:53,289 --> 00:12:55,170
- Oh!
190
00:12:55,171 --> 00:12:57,890
Calamity Jane? I thought...
- Amanda?
191
00:12:57,970 --> 00:12:59,710
You trying to get yourself killed?
192
00:12:59,790 --> 00:13:01,960
- I'm trying to stay alive.
193
00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:03,850
- Can't blame you for that.
194
00:13:03,930 --> 00:13:06,190
Just lucky you didn't really need to use this.
195
00:13:06,270 --> 00:13:08,920
Unless one of them rebels
had to look pretty like.
196
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:10,570
Now, what are you doing here?
197
00:13:10,650 --> 00:13:11,860
- Trying not to...
- Come on.
198
00:13:11,861 --> 00:13:12,969
Let's see what we can do to get
199
00:13:12,970 --> 00:13:14,783
into a little trouble on the roof.
200
00:13:17,610 --> 00:13:18,660
- We?
201
00:13:19,730 --> 00:13:22,470
- Another boring soiree tonight, Maury.
202
00:13:22,550 --> 00:13:25,033
I miss the old days of blood and thunder.
203
00:13:26,162 --> 00:13:27,400
(sighs)
204
00:13:27,401 --> 00:13:29,039
Well, at least this Calamity Jane
205
00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:30,530
is supposed to be a character.
206
00:13:30,610 --> 00:13:32,603
Perhaps we can swap war stories.
207
00:13:34,326 --> 00:13:36,798
(hooves clacking)
208
00:13:36,878 --> 00:13:39,878
(suspenseful music)
209
00:13:42,156 --> 00:13:44,156
(yawns)
210
00:13:45,996 --> 00:13:47,046
- Hmm.
211
00:13:47,972 --> 00:13:49,253
(branch snaps)
What?
212
00:13:51,389 --> 00:13:53,889
(whip cracks)
213
00:13:55,254 --> 00:13:57,259
(body thuds)
214
00:13:57,260 --> 00:13:58,673
- This way, hurry.
215
00:14:03,327 --> 00:14:05,720
(door creaks)
216
00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:06,850
- Come on, this way.
217
00:14:09,670 --> 00:14:10,720
There she is!
218
00:14:18,340 --> 00:14:20,423
(laughs)
219
00:14:26,138 --> 00:14:28,143
Boo.
220
00:14:28,144 --> 00:14:30,144
(gasps)
221
00:14:37,930 --> 00:14:39,750
- Drop your guns, boys.
222
00:14:39,830 --> 00:14:42,088
You don't stand a chance.
223
00:14:42,168 --> 00:14:43,751
(mouth harp)
224
00:14:43,831 --> 00:14:45,914
(laughs)
225
00:14:55,500 --> 00:14:58,270
Now, we can either do this the easy way or...
226
00:14:58,350 --> 00:14:59,713
- Ah, this'll be easy.
227
00:15:00,860 --> 00:15:01,910
- Figures.
228
00:15:01,990 --> 00:15:04,907
(carriage rattles)
229
00:15:12,380 --> 00:15:14,423
They always pick the hard way.
230
00:15:15,750 --> 00:15:18,660
You can drop the terrified
act, Amanda, we got 'em.
231
00:15:18,740 --> 00:15:20,460
- You think it's an act?
232
00:15:20,540 --> 00:15:22,530
Being terrified is the only thing about
233
00:15:22,610 --> 00:15:25,293
this whole horrible situation that I'm good at.
234
00:15:26,580 --> 00:15:28,580
Standing there, just watching
235
00:15:28,660 --> 00:15:30,303
all those men try to kill you.
236
00:15:31,269 --> 00:15:32,960
I hate that! I hate it!
237
00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:36,520
- Shh, Amanda, of course you do.
238
00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:37,657
Of course you do.
239
00:15:40,090 --> 00:15:43,500
- Well, I guess it's about
time to lend Janie a hand.
240
00:15:43,580 --> 00:15:47,020
- I can't believe you
struck me, you dirty, filthy,
241
00:15:47,100 --> 00:15:49,960
no good, denture-wearing, ungentlemanly.
242
00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:51,660
Look at me when I'm lecturing you.
243
00:15:51,661 --> 00:15:53,149
- I think you ought to keep your head low
244
00:15:53,150 --> 00:15:55,543
before the firing commences, don't you?
245
00:16:07,167 --> 00:16:10,084
(mechanism clicks)
246
00:16:18,321 --> 00:16:21,549
- I remember how cannons like these
247
00:16:21,550 --> 00:16:22,870
hammered us at Gettysburg.
248
00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:25,730
- Well, this time it's the Yankees
249
00:16:25,810 --> 00:16:27,460
who will be on the receiving end.
250
00:16:35,712 --> 00:16:38,545
(harmonica music)
251
00:16:39,850 --> 00:16:42,673
- Stand away from that
cannon, and don't get cute.
252
00:16:47,765 --> 00:16:48,872
(corn bursts)
253
00:16:48,952 --> 00:16:50,203
- We're under attack!
254
00:16:50,283 --> 00:16:51,843
We need reinforcements in here.
255
00:16:54,230 --> 00:16:56,143
Whoa!
(grunts)
256
00:16:58,149 --> 00:16:59,410
(laughs)
257
00:16:59,490 --> 00:17:02,340
- Slipping on a banana peel, that's a new one.
258
00:17:02,420 --> 00:17:04,881
- Guess you are good for something.
259
00:17:04,961 --> 00:17:07,017
- Well, that's more than I can say for you.
260
00:17:09,845 --> 00:17:11,727
- You made a bad mistake, ma'am.
261
00:17:14,082 --> 00:17:16,832
(exciting music)
262
00:17:41,056 --> 00:17:43,806
(flame crackles)
263
00:17:51,231 --> 00:17:53,648
(blow thuds)
264
00:18:08,220 --> 00:18:09,580
- Die, Yankee!
265
00:18:13,980 --> 00:18:17,165
(cannon fires)
266
00:18:17,245 --> 00:18:19,828
(horses neigh)
267
00:18:41,895 --> 00:18:44,450
(whip cracks)
(gunfire)
268
00:18:44,451 --> 00:18:45,949
- Pull that trigger, and you'll be
269
00:18:45,950 --> 00:18:48,253
whistling Dixie for the last time.
270
00:18:49,905 --> 00:18:52,586
- Uh, no!
- Oh no, you don't.
271
00:18:52,666 --> 00:18:53,716
Ah.
272
00:19:05,277 --> 00:19:07,370
- The fates have ruined our plan,
273
00:19:07,450 --> 00:19:09,400
but at least they allowed us a way out.
274
00:19:16,900 --> 00:19:18,780
- There, even Steven.
275
00:19:18,860 --> 00:19:20,813
You saved me, I saved you.
276
00:19:21,663 --> 00:19:24,220
- I did, didn't I? Hardly noticed.
277
00:19:24,300 --> 00:19:26,100
Guess I was too busy doing something
278
00:19:26,170 --> 00:19:28,830
for a change rather than just being helpless.
279
00:19:28,910 --> 00:19:29,960
- You think?
280
00:19:39,540 --> 00:19:40,810
Care to do the honors?
281
00:19:40,890 --> 00:19:42,683
- Why, thank you ever so much.
282
00:19:50,978 --> 00:19:53,189
- Got to tell Joe I thought of
283
00:19:53,190 --> 00:19:55,313
another way to stop that train.
284
00:19:59,390 --> 00:20:02,610
- Are you sure I can't
persuade you, Ms. Calamity?
285
00:20:02,690 --> 00:20:04,580
- Sorry, sir, no.
286
00:20:04,660 --> 00:20:06,850
- Well, if you won't work for me,
287
00:20:06,930 --> 00:20:09,520
I can at least hire your capable associate.
288
00:20:09,521 --> 00:20:11,469
You're obviously a person of great bravery,
289
00:20:11,470 --> 00:20:13,500
if today's events are any indication.
290
00:20:13,580 --> 00:20:15,783
I will not take no for an answer.
291
00:20:17,610 --> 00:20:20,060
- I'd be honored, Mr. President.
292
00:20:20,140 --> 00:20:22,940
- Amanda, civilized people do not
293
00:20:23,020 --> 00:20:25,700
dirty their hands with things like work.
294
00:20:25,780 --> 00:20:28,633
- Then I guess I don't
wish to be civilized anymore.
295
00:20:29,990 --> 00:20:31,880
Being myself is better.
296
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:35,674
- Why, I, I, I...
297
00:20:35,675 --> 00:20:37,589
- I bet that's the first
time she's been at a loss
298
00:20:37,590 --> 00:20:40,247
for words since she learned to vocalize.
299
00:20:40,327 --> 00:20:42,620
- Just remember, you can do anything
300
00:20:42,700 --> 00:20:44,580
you set your mind to, Amanda.
301
00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:45,900
- I know.
302
00:20:45,980 --> 00:20:48,333
A lady I met recently told me so.
303
00:20:50,630 --> 00:20:53,297
(western music)
304
00:20:53,347 --> 00:20:57,897
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