Original subtitles

- Are you really Calamity Jane?

I know all your adventures by heart.

- What, you again?

- Tell me about the first time you shot someone.

- I'll get you, Calamity Jane!

(intense instrumental music)

(bullets whizzing)

(skull crunches)

- Come and get it, Calamity Jane!

- It's never pretty Ellie, never heroic.

(rock instrumental music)

(fire crackling)

(gun cocking)

(gun bangs) (whip cracks)

(gun bangs) (whip cracks)

(fist thuds) (man grunts)

(hooves clopping) (horse neighing)

- When are they gonna start shooting?

- [Bandit] And for the last time.

- Honest mister. I wouldn't lie to you.

The bank don't give me the combination

on account of holdups like this.

- By God, if that's how you want it.

I'm asking you real nice.

(gun cocks)

(gun bangs)

(horse neighs)

(gun bangs)

(fist thuds)

(gun cocks)

- You with the gun, drop it, now!

- I don't wanna draw on Calamity Jane, but-

- Don't worry, I got it!

(revolver rattling)

- Why, lookie here, catch!

- Why didn't you shoot that guy?

Are you really Calamity Jane?

- Back in the coach kid.

I think you've done enough for one day.

(Western instrumental music)

Off to the pokey with you.

- I'll get you, Calamity Jane!

I don't care how tough you think you are!

- Line forms to the left, Little Bob.

(horse neighs) (upbeat music)

- I can't believe I'm in Deadwood,

hometown to Calamity Jane!

This is too grand to imagine!

- What? You again?

Isn't there someone meeting you?

- Oh yeah, my parents.

They should be here any minute.

- Who's your small fry, Janie?

- Name's Elliot, Elliot the Kid!

I'm Calamity Jane's sidekick, partner,

and all around accomplice.

- Why, Janie, this all so sudden-like.

I can't blame you though for putting

an old hay burner like me out to pasture

in favor of a young charger such as this.

- I'll tell 'ya what part of a horse you resemble?

If we weren't in the presence of impressionable children.

- Who you calling impressionable?

Look at that, a saloon!

Are we gonna wash the dust off our parched throats

and play a few rounds of five card stud?

I could sure do with a-

Drat, how come I don't get to go in?

(horse neighing)

- Gimme a milk and leave the bottle.

- I see you hauled in little Bob McCallister.

(piano music) (horse neighing)

I missed his partner.

Little Bob's brother Iron Jack McCalliser ain't gonna take

too kindly to the thought of his sibling

languishing in the Deadwood hoosegow, you know,

might try to bust him out.

- Joe, I'm too tired to care.

Right now, bust out or no, I'm going to my room.

- You'd better lay off that milk, Janey.

You're starting to get a mustache.

(horse neighing)

- Draw!

(rhythmic piano music)

Draw!

(suspenseful music)

(door slams) - Elliot!

Never, ever play with guns!

You could blow your silly head off you stupid, girl!

- So are you!

And you're the greatest tracker

and outdoorsman there ever was.

I know all your adventures by heart.

I want to be a hero just like you,

and shoot people, and everything.

Oh, and my name's really Ellie, not Elliot.

- Now, honey, I'm flattered, really, I am.

But I don't think your parents would like that too much.

You did tell me they were meeting you here.

- Well, I kind of fibbed about that.

I sort of ran away from New Jersey to see the wild west.

And I'm never going back!

- But that's not right.

Your mom's probably worried sick about you.

- They probably don't even know I'm gone.

- Oh, I bet they sensed

a certain quietness around the house.

And what about all that school you're missing?

Not right being ignorant.

- I'm learning in the school

of hard knocks, just like you did.

- Let me tell you about that particular form of education.

It isn't fun, not one bit.

I left home at 14 to follow in my father's footsteps.

He was my hero.

I was young, and strong, and cocky, just like you are now.

It was all a great adventure, almost like a game, really?

(trap snaps)

But every game has its rules,

and you tend to learn the hard way.

Calamity Jane, queen of the outdoor trackers.

(scoffs) I spent two months on my back after that adventure.

It ain't glamorous out there.

Matter of fact, it's generally pretty miserable,

cold, wet, bloody, and painful.

- I got scars too, not as good as yours yet, but some.

I got this one playing wild west with my dad.

Wait till he sees me in the dime novels.

Maybe I'll have an eye patch by then.

So, when are you gonna take me out bear hunting, partner?

- Jack, me and Bob run a foul

of Calamity Jane out on the trail.

I barely got away with my hide!

- And without a scratch I see.

Where's my brother?

- Locked up in Deadwood jail, I guess.

- Which is where you oughta be too, or dead defending him.

Where you oughtn't be is here,

slinking back into camp like a coward.

(bandit grunts)

Saddle up, we're gonna bust my brother out.

And then I want to have a few words with Calamity Jane.

- How about them six bad men you dealt

with out of Tilford Gulch?

You had nothing but a pocket knife and a sewing needle.

- Why, as I recollect, Calamity took them

out with even less than that.

It seems she was in the sulfur gulch

to enjoy the mineral baths.

And when the bad men struck she was in the altogether.

Didn't have nothing more than a pair of-

- Joe, it weren't like that at all child.

Let's see what other lies they print.

Calamity Jane versus the poetical kid, oh boy.

- Say, I remember him, writer fella, wasn't he?

- Dime novel writer or wanted to be,

had a wife and a couple of young'ns.

Them riders don't make too much money, I reckon.

It wasn't long before the kids

started robbing banks just to make ends meet.

- Yeah, he left poetry notes

at his holdups and only spoke in rhymes.

- Ah, he did no such thing.

I think it was remembered

because he spelled his notes correctly.

- And so his legend grew.

- Well, he was a lousy writer,

but a fair to midland bank robber.

So they sent me out after him.

(suspenseful music)

Let's see what it says here.

Hot lead and burning verse flew through the air

as the kid in calamity traded shot

for shot and taunt for taunt.

Who writes this drivel?

Why, that boy was too scared

to talk, much less recite poetry.

He got nervous and drew on me, rusty old Colt

he never cleaned or fired blew up in his hand

blew up in his hand.

Didn't do much scribbling for a while after that.

Could barely write his wife and kids

from the jail he got stuck in.

- He deserved it if he was robbing banks and such.

- Kid, you missed the point.

What them dime novels leave out is all the misery

and suffering that goes on after the smoke clears.

If you're lucky, when it's over

the best you've done is survive.

As for the worst... - Go on.

Tell me about the worst.

- What makes you so bloodthirsty, Ellie?

When I think of all the good things you've given up to be

out here in this miserable desert.

So, you want to be like a real wild Western, do you?

- I got me a comfortable cot right here in the stable.

Ain't no need to spend a miserable night

freezing in the dang dog dangy desert!

- Put a boot in it Joe.

Ellie's gonna get a taste

of the great outdoors if it kills us all.

- That's a distinct possibility.

(donkey brays) - [Ellie] Yah!

(rhythmic instrumental music) (crickets chirping)

It's pretty empty out here.

Are we gonna have to your horses or anything?

- (scoffs) No, Ellie.

- How about Indians?

Are we gonna get scalped, and skinned,

and staked out over anthills.

- Don't call them Indians, Ellie.

This is Comanche territory,

doubt they'll give us any trouble.

Me and them's got an understanding.

- Here we are, Janey.

(rhythmic instrumental music)

(horse neighing)

- Ow, oh boy, a skull.

Can I keep it?

Think a mountain lion killed it, or a rustler?

- Ferocious little demon, ain't she?

I wonder what it's gonna take to tucker her out.

I'm running out of ideas, Joe, you got any?

- (chuckles) I can't think on an empty stomach.

What's for grub, Janey?

- Ellie, honey, you hungry?

- A little, what have we get to eat?

- Absolutely nothing, but we've got

a whole desert full of food out there.

Let's look for some.

- Well, ain't this a fine kettle of fish, or lack there of.

- Brung you some supper.

Couldn't stand the thought of anybody

eating jailhouse grub when I got extra.

- This smells like cow flop.

- Well, honey, I'd be happy to feed you

a real one if that's what you want.

I know where to get them fresh.

- Guess a big maggot like you would.

- Why, you ungrateful, let go of me!

- Howdy, Bob.

- Well, what took you?

This here girlsie was about to point at me.

- Come on, Bobby, we get some business to attend to.

(suspenseful music) (fire crackling)

(gun banging)

(guns banging) (horse neighing)

Come and get it, Calamity Jane!

(rhythmic instrumental music)

- You want to get all the needles off,

but leave this pulpy stuff.

That's the part that's good to eat, right?

- Well, I wouldn't exactly call it good.

Cactus needles and sagebrush for supper.

- Did you really kill a bear with a knife like this,

like it says in the dime novels?

Is it this very knife?

- (chuckles) Clear as I can remember.

That bear had Calamity up a tree.

And she was using her knife to cut branches

so as to swat at the critter.

Ain't that right, Janey?

- Shut up and eat your cactus, Joe, while it's hot.

(rhythmic instrumental music)

- Jane? - Yes, Ellie?

- When I was just a kid my dad used

to tell me stories to help me sleep.

- You want me to tell you a story, sweetie?

- [Ellie] Uh-huh.

- My mom used to do that for me.

What do you want to hear about, honey?

- Tell me about the first time you shot someone.

- I will not!

That isn't the kind of story

a little girl oughta carry into her dreams.

You roll over and go to sleep, now!

(suspenseful music)

(horse neighing)

- Why, look at the little squaw.

Hey, you can scalp me anytime, honey, what do you say?

Don't be shy, I'm just being neighborly.

- You're hurting me, mister.

- So, you want to do this the hard way.

(suspenseful music)

(gun bangs) (thunder strikes)

- Oh, honey, you don't need to live my life.

Go back home to the one I coulda had.

(donkey braying) (rain crashing)

- This caps off a perfectly miserable night.

Cactus needles for supper.

Put my sleeping bag on a dang anthill.

And now we got Noah's flood coming down on our heads!

(thunder crashes)

- Burning timber, cordite, fear, something's wrong.

- Jane, Iron Jack and his men busted out Little Bob.

And they're waiting at the saloon to shoot you down!

- (sighs) Figured they would.

We'll have to take them.

How many times we played this scene out, Joe?

- More than I can reckon, I reckon.

- I don't get it, isn't this what it's all about,

blood, and thunder, and the smell of burning lead?

- Ellie, you asked me about my first shootout.

Well, it was ugly and stupid.

And when the smoke cleared everyone wished

it had never happened, especially me.

I'm gonna show you that you don't need

to shoot a gun to win a gun fight.

(rain crashing)

Take care of the child.

Come on, Joe.

(intense instrumental music)

- She's braver than anything!

- (groans) Look at it rain.

Just our luck, we gotta play watch dog in this slop.

(suspenseful music)

(fist thuds)

- And they shoot 'ya.

(bandit whistles)

(suspenseful music)

(Jane whistles)

(suspenseful music)

(whip cracks)

(gun banging)

(whip cracks)

(gun bangs)

(rain crashing)

(gun banging)

(rain crashing)

(thunder crashes)

- Is that Calamity?

- That's someone shooting at Calamity, missed too.

I just gotta see!

- Child, no, you don't belong there.

(rain crashing)

(spurs rattling)

(gun bangs) (cat howls)

(rain crashing)

(door creaks) (horses neighing)

(horses neighing)

(horseshoe clinks)

(gun banging)

- Ellie, no!

(gun banging) (Jane thuds)

(gun clicking)

(rain crashing)

(pitchfork clinks)

(suspenseful music)

(horse braying)

(bandit grunts)

- It's never pretty Ellie, never heroic.

Never.

(birds singing)

- Calamity, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- I know child, I know.

Don't worry, I'll be all right, Ellie.

Won't be scratching my back real soon,

that's not so important.

- I'm glad.

It's nothing like the dime store novels, is it?

It's all so real.

- All sorts of real in the world.

For you real is family, and friends,

and a place you can lay down roots.

For me real is this. (train whistling)

- I'll never forget you, Jane.

- Same here, Ellie the Kid.

(rhythmic instrumental music)

- Dear Jane, thanks for, well everything.

I guess the wild west doesn't need me around,

as long as it's got Calamity Jane taking care of business.

I'm back at school and trying hard just like you said.

Someday I'm gonna make you proud.

- I already am, honey.

- Gotta go now, give Joe a kiss for me.

But watch out for his stubble.

With love, Eleanor, Ellie, Roosevelt.

(rhythmic instrumental music)

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