Original subtitles

- Them men is the meanest most ornery

outlaws in these here United States!

- Okay, then I'll stop em myself.

(table clatters)

(guns firing)

(whip lashes)

(gun cocks)

(man grunts)

- Who is this woman?

- Jane. Calamity Jane.

- Kill her!

(explosion)

- I'm gonna regret shooting you Jane.

(Gatling gun firing)

- With these weapons, we shall be invincible!

(gun cocks)

(upbeat western music)

(intense western music)

(whip cracks)

(horse whinnies)

(sighs)

- We made it Dakota.

(horse grunts)

(pump squeaks)

(water dripping)

(intense music)

(grunts)

- Well hey there sweet lips, heh.

How's about you and me getting better acquainted. (laughs)

(boards breaking)

(yelps)

(groans)

(western music)

- Afternoon. I'm looking for Wooden Leg Gibson, seen him?

- Wooden Leg? Uh ain't been here.

You come a long way?

- You can say that, 400 miles in a week with no water,

even less food renegade Cheyenne ambushed me.

Had my horse come up lame and been walking since sun-up.

Yup. That's a long way.

(spits)

- Themsa breaks, Girly.

Look you want something?

- [Jane] Just a hot bath and some privacy.

(whip cracks)

(objects crashing)

By the way, don't call me girly.

- (gasps) Bath's upstairs Mam.

(upbeat western music)

(footsteps approaching)

(water splashes)

(man screams)

(ceramic breaks)

- As I live and breathe, Sam Bass, what are you doing?

Ain't no stakes to robbing this bathroom.

- I saw you come up thought I'd

surprise you by bringing you milk.

- Don't you know gentlemen is supposed to knock first?

- Since when did anyone ever confuse me with a gentlemen?

What cha doing here, Jane?

- I'm here to catch Wooden Leg Gibson.

Killed himself five men in a Wichita

bank and fled with the loot.

I figured he'd head across the desert.

Joe Presto went south to try and cut him off.

I went straight on, lost the trail same

time my horse went gimpy. Some luck. Huh?

- Could be your luck's changing.

(intense western music)

- He ain't alone Jane.

In case you don't know,

That's John Wesley Hardin, gunfightin legend,

English Joe Tick demolition expert,

word is he ain't never met a safe he couldn't blow.

You might get one, maybe two, but not all.

Sad, I'm with em. No hard feelings.

If you're smart, you'll vamoose

while the vamoosing's good.

Howdy boys!

- Sam Bass. Any word from our host.

- No guess he'll be here when he gets here,

you must be Wooden Leg Gibson heard a lot about you.

- Yeah? I'm famous in these parts on account of this,

caught me a load of buckshot in the knee.

Took my leg clean off. Now I've got me a stump,

a name for myself and this, only buckshot

I seen from now on come straight out of here.

You just ask folks in Wichita.

- I reckon I already have, five men are

in the grave cause a you Gibson. I'm taking you into pay.

(laughs)

- Well, if that don't beat all, she got guts.

Better run home to your mom. Before you get hurt.

- You're a fine one to talk about guts.

How much did it take to shoot them folks in the back?

- That's a lie and you're gonna pay for it.

- Easy friend.

We didn't come here to get in no gunfights.

- Lay off Hardin! Only one way dealing with this.

Count to five and we draw.

- Ain't right drawn against a little girl,

especially one so purdy.

- I ain't no little girl.

You call me that again it'll cost.

- I don't care if she's your kid sister, Bass, you count.

- I ain't learned me my cipher that high.

- Fine we'll dispense with accounting.

(intense western music)

(distant gunshots)

- Bonjour mes amis! (laughs maniacally)

(guns rapidly firing)

It is very good to see you.

I am so glad you could all make it.

Wonderful town! (speaking in french)

- Monsieur Gibson, a pleasure to make your acquaintance.

I am emperor Napoleon Bonaparte (speaking in french),

formerly of France, you know.

I am serious. And you are already here of course.

I have a little job for you that will make us

all very powerful and very rich.

- Begging your pardon, sir.

- (yells) Emperor!

- (stammers) Emperor, um, we got a situation.

- Hey, who is this woman?

- Jane. Calamity Jane.

- Calamity Jane?

Well I'll be.

- Hate to break up your party Emperor,

but your man Gibson's wanted for robbery and murder.

- They all are, so what?

- So I got no quarrel with you, but Gibson's coming with me.

- The devil I am.

- Un moment s'il vous plait. Am I to understand

you are on the side of law and order?

- You got that, right.

- (laughs) Kill her!

(guns cocking)

(bullets ricocheting)

- Eh should've known she'd start the fun without us.

(guns rapidly firing)

- (slow motion) Eat buckshot girly.

(gun fires)

Where'd she go?

- Up here boys!

(guns firing)

(chandelier crashes)

- Get her, she is but one woman against us all!

The odds must work in our favor!

- Too bad the odds have been changed a mite.

Now you boys be real careful with them pistols you hear?

I got me a whole company of calvary outside.

- Hear that? I ain't up for tangling with no cavalry.

- Arg he is bluffing us now!

He's got no calvary! Do not you think?

- Either way. If they're shooting we're in the crossfire.

I reckon we best mosey and fast.

- Come on. Hey, who flees today lives to fight another day.

- What about that Calamity Jane?

I'ma gonna fix her if it's the last thing I do.

- Tell you what this'll fix the lot of them.

- They're getting away Joe!

- Yeah well they left a little going away present.

(explosions)

- Jane, darn fool girl.

- Joe, Joe?

(Joe groans)

- Well I guess I'm alive.

Whoo eee.

That was some blast, say who's ringing that bell?

- What's that Joe?

- You say something?

- It's the blast! Got your ears ringing like a bell.

- I can't hear you Janie! My ears is ringing like a bell!

- What? Ah, nevermind.

(western music)

No question about it.

That sawed-off emperor and his men

are headed along the main line.

We'd be caught up by now if it

weren't for your slowpoke mule.

What I wouldn't give from my own horse.

- Oh now don't be bad mouthing my mule.

She ain't used to carrying two ya know.

Sides, with your stud gimpy my mule's all we got.

Yeah giddy up!

It's okay darling I know you ain't no slow poke.

You just got your own pace is all.

- Wouldn't hurt to speed it up some.

- Yeah you see that? She can really move when she wants to.

- [Jane] Oh yeah like grease lightning.

- Sheesh it's gonna be a hot one.

- Well lookey here.

They broke off and headed down yonder.

- Well that don't make no sense.

Ain't nothing down there but, but nothing.

- Let's just have a look. See what this nothing looks like.

(western music)

- [Napoleon] So simple a little tiny child

could take the munitions!

- [Sam] Pardon me? Worship.

- [Emperor] Emperor!

- Emperor, you mean to say all

them guns and things is unguarded?

- Not completely. The calvary they

are on maneuvers in Pain Forest.

There will be no more than a dozen or so men in the fort.

That is not too easy for you is it?

- No emperor? I like it that way.

(men laugh)

- Your attention please!

Once we have the armaments we cross the border

into this territory here. (laughs)

America is the land of opportunity.

I have come to take advantage of that. (laughs)

With your help of course. As the core of my army

we will raid and conquer the land.

And rule much as my namesake did as kings and emperors!

(laughs maniacally)

- So that's their plan. We got to stop em Joe.

- Are you kidding? Well them men is the meanest

most ornery outlaws in these here United States!

We was lucky to catch em by surprise

the last time. No way. No how. Not me! Not never!

- Okay then. I'll stop em myself.

- Janie are you outta your mind?

- A lot of innocent folks are gonna

be out of luck if I don't do something.

- Aw dang napped, would probably be the high point

of my life getting shot by John Wesley Hardin.

- Atta boy, Joe.

- Course things don't always go the way you want em to.

(laughs)

- Our meeting in Uma should have discouraged

you from trailing us, too bad no?

Take them out back and shoot them.

(dramatic western music)

- Such a waste. Yer a right pretty girl.

Sure you don't want a farewell kiss?

- I'd rather kiss a rattler.

- Yeah I'll kiss ye, if it'll save me

from being shot, hope you don't mind the stubble.

- Enough of this foolishness!

You give me the idea! Take them to the anthill.

(dramatic music)

- I warned you Jane. Now look at cha, tied with

your own whip. Why'd you have to be so darn stubborn?

- Why you being so plain dumb? The crazy emperor's

plan's probably gonna get you all killed.

- (laughs) No, after this job,

I'm done robbing stages for nickels and dimes.

This is my big score.

- (snickers) Not so tough now are they?

If the ants do not finish them

the sun will and if the sun does not finish them, (laughs)

we will use them for target practice when we return!

(laughs manically)

(men yelling in triumph)

(mournful music)

- Ugh, if I could just (grunts)

(yells in pain)

- Ants! I got ants in my pants!

- Hang on Joe, I think I got it! (gasps)

(whimpers)

- Oooo them ants!

- No time for dancing Joe, you got to head

out for Pain Forest, warn the

cavalry about the raid on the fort.

- (whimpers) What about you?

- I'm going after the Frenchie and his uglies.

(dramatic western music)

(massive explosion)

- Well done monsieur Tick.

- Pinch of powder mate, does the trick every time.

- Gonna shoot him?

- Heck no! I ain't no Hardin.

- The fruit of our labors.

(Gatling gun firing)

(laughs manically)

With these weapons we shall be invincible.

(laughs)

- Oh, best be more careful with this merchandise

or there'll be one less me to enjoy myself.

- [Jane] If you need some help, I'll be glad to lend a hand.

- Huh?

(whistles) She is a beaut.

- Why thank you Sam.

- What are you, How did you?

- Question is when are you gonna come to your senses?

- You stay away. Don't make me do it!

- Give it up Sam. You ain't no killer.

(gun cocks)

(Sam grunts)

- [Sam] Lemme out! Lemme go Jane!

- Poor Sam.

- Poor you's more like it.

I reckon Bass had it coming when he didn't shoot.

- Not everyone's a heartless killer like you John Wesley.

- I'm gonna regret shooting you Jane.

Ain't just cause I never killed a woman before either.

I got a feeling for you.

I likes you. I really do.

- I got a feeling for you too.

- Ain't just fooling me? Said, you'd rather kiss a rattler.

- Woman's got a right to change her mind, don't she?

- Now you're talking.

Hey!

- I got a feeling for you all right, revulsion.

(dramatic music)

- [Emperor] Manifiique! Time to ride!

Where is everyone?

- [Jane] You're all that's left emperor.

Your army's done for and so are you.

- At least I will have the

satisfaction of seeing you le mort.

- Tell you what Nappy I'll draw against

you and your Gatling gun. See who's faster.

- 300 rounds a minute. You do not stand a chance.

(Gatling gun firing)

(gun cocks)

(bullets ricocheting)

(calvary horn blowing)

- Lights out mon ami.

- (grunts) Emperor.

(calm western music)

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