Original subtitles

other husbands sleep late Sunday

mornings yes Polly not you though no

Polly you have to be different don't you

yes Polly I don't know what you seeing

it no

all right Lads in your own gateways good

lads can't you strangle each other at

home that's why your fathers pay

rates right

move I said

move I Shan say it

again move

I count to five then that's

it 1 2 3 4

5

six right

you

Crystal hopeless hey what's your team

called Mony can you hear me

I got

there

morning morning seen who's reing Lord

Longford good God have you seen who's

reing s for both sides he blinding both

eyes blinding

both we got a full team

get

motherucker so light now stop

cing that's straight

go on Sam what you know it don't work

not with Lord Longford right it never

has before it's worth a bloody

try where you go you might report me

he's threatened to before well threaten

him back put the fear of Christ up in

how do we do that stared him

out morning Mr arish Ted no thank you

I'm not offered you one yet offered me a

what

cigarette I had no intention of doing

good do you fancy some chewing gum good

morning oh nice to see you again mrv Dad

brought my own lemon thank you and

imbrication I never said a word nobody

offered you a lousy

lemon would you like to go before the

league committee would you like to go to

hell I've been ly that's what I'm doing

here

ball no Corner Flags again I notice it's

the last time I'll lend anything to the

YWCA

captains please

by

Joey good morning good

morning a few Pearls of Wisdom from one

who

knows what we're now about to witness is

called a football match not the

beginning of World War II not the

destruction of the human race a football

match in it each of the teams will

attempt to score more goals than the

other what are you looking at not

much that will be done by kicking the

ball in the net as opposed to kicking

other people in the crutch right great

thank you

should we start are we going to stand

there and freeze

today if I see a good clean exhibition

of footfall skill you won't know I'm

here if on the other hand and acting

according to the new Gospel According to

lthm S Dan as any foul tackles from

behind shirt pulling swearing at me

dropping Dead with senitor dance because

some other player accidentally looks at

you out comes my little book and in it

goes the name arguing with the referee

will naturally not not be tolerated well

all the bloody El's arguing are you

trying to get yourself in the Guinness

Book of Records the only player to be

sent off before the game's even started

like a bloody tape recorder did you

speak no it was

yawning heads or tails Tails heads it is

as we are May the best team win why

come on Al come on fellas you can lick

this lot no

bother come on back now go for that ball

hungry for the ball play football and

the goals will

[Music]

come good L that's the idea come on last

move about making like bloody

idiot yes come on

come on

Ronnie Ronnie's been off it for a week

off what you know serving his strength

for today so he says that it for God's

sake ref obstruction BL

obstruction Who's down Ronnie right in

the doings

[Applause]

[Music]

all right you can get

back yes Act of the Year award

1971 the L hurt child birst never

present off be fair ref I said off you

can get up now you got your free kick

and you lot get 10 yards

back I said off yes I heard you

magnificent referes Authority wonderful

sight to

see I'm warning you

be okay

[Music]

[Music]

now

engag be fair ref oh hello first C of

spring got a free kick what more does he

want the British Empire medal in a visit

to match of the day when it's in his

area fair's fair ref same old song

second verse same as the first bring on

the dancing girls slice it for a goal

kick and scream for a corner boot it

into touch and claim a throw in one day

a play will come up to me and say uh

excuse me ref you probably didn't see it

busy as you are but I've just kicked

their striker in the cal It's praying on

my mind so would you care to take my

name please

[Music]

[Music]

well I'm not supposed to be that par

keeper it's his job not going fishing in

cheser with his dirty boots and his bag

worms you do the pictures Norman he said

you can watch the

football if I was interested in bloody

football wouldn't be a park and Gardens

Department employee would I be a bloody

footballer calling for the ball without

calling the name of the man in

possession I called his name no argument

I called it you Go funny with too much

imagination you know you can start

wearing ladies hats in Market Street I

even called you the L's name before that

one got it thank you that's an even

bigger offense he's playing for the

other side he's not the only one is

he any chance of a game of

football in association football we have

rules we call them the rules of

Association in football being fair

doesn't mean being fair to you it means

being

fair understand

no

no a ref come

off L on God that's it now thr now

you're thr now get to the Midfield L

dominate the Midfield like a short

you're

gone Well Done Right striking hard now

take it in take it in l into the space

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

Freddy dear dear oh dear

get together

ladent President Nixon but I thought

America and China were bitter enemies

well it's what they call Ping Pong

diplomacy I mean that's the expression

they

use and the Russians have got the needle

oh naturally they've been daggers drawn

with China ever since kov denounce him

at the 21st Party Conference for

revisionism for what well it's an

expression they

use the suspicious of the western block

ever since you

alter since when

Y is that another

expression another

conference we seem to be better allies

with France these days since old wats is

named out well with the Advent of the

East

[Music]

course you know what happened during the

first world war the French wom put

poison in all the wells for our soldiers

to

drink we on our side not the women no

don't tug sweetheart that's not nice

nice walk

is

great come on

[Applause]

[Music]

by hell they're a rough lot rough lot

aren't they kick anything that moves

they kick their own grandmothers never

heard of

sportsmanship get him down Tommy go for

his left knee cap the one with the

bandage on go for his left knee cap

good lad good

lad Gardens that's where I should be

planting

cran told on that the labor

exchange no one

listens D

thing you can watch the football

Sly

s he's scared to be that's what it is

when he try and pinch the go po after

the

match you come back with them

GOP I know what team you play for I'll

tell you the

police silly old

fool it was a police dirting that was

pinching him

that's never

[Music]

straight well cover John straight on the

middle now John good long ball use the

link man good luck that's it that's a

play L you can do it oh for Christ sake

on down with me with

it I'm out face come on now what's

tickling you the bad bounce that was all

it wasn't my fault no it was a nice shot

magnificent Marksmanship wonderful sight

to see another in to the left you'd have

had it rolling down the M1 could you do

better I wish was your age ly that's all

you never have been mate we had a thing

called skill different game today

World different world different world Al

together handall

referee he handled it ref play on play

on oh come

on accident where the hell were you

looking don't be so cruel I'm old enough

to be their father

referee watch that man that's a

foul it should be sent off for

[Applause]

[Music]

that then there's

Japan very touchy about him going to

China ping pong's right old Emperor

dudah coming over here to visit the

queen Queen soon forget don't they

forget

what like

Germany they are allies

now young boys go over there for

holidays wasn't much of a holiday for

their fathers born at the wrong time

pingpong my next door neighbors booked

for Northern

[Music]

Ireland football's not back already is

it oh I get sick of it Malcolm Allison

wears nice matching shirt

sometimes come

here get him apart get him apart animals

come on both of you come here come on

down right that's it come here both of

you come on that's

final it's been the next Sunday morning

in

church both of you for the first time in

your lives certainly won't be allowed

anywhere near a football he was pulling

a Shar off me back it was a

retaliation subsequent to constant

provocation thank you Bob Wilson another

two minutes and you would have had me

down to MRA names it was EAS at the

moment a technical foul that's all I'm

not giving way I'm not giving way names

keep your mtion say

nothing did he pull your shirt Nora I

wasn't asking

you did he pull your shirt

no were you retaliating to constant

provocation

no now look here the lot of you if you

want to play this match according to the

laws of the Jungle I'm abandoning it

right

right I got a couple of AR anger tangs

fighting over a bloody

banana this is a colly Hurston District

third division League match not Custer's

Last soding Stand only Lads Mr Army dead

just lads that all look we live in a

civilized society even two year olds

know the difference between right and

wrong play

rules we play as a team with

teamwork teamwork and skill

right

listen always leave at least half what's

in the wallets if there three quid just

Nick

one same with any loose chain in the

pockets why because then they're not

sure it's missing

oh so we'll have a bounce up

B

please uh and don't think I've given way

because I haven't I'm respecting you all

as

footballers and you just respect the

laws of the game respect for each other

respect for the

referee we'll all profit by

it right

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

oh you're too bloody slow Joy you'll

have to come up the

[Music]

beer Who the hell's disy te

[Music]

get come on you

get how you how

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

goalkeeper

here I don't believe it his whistle mad

hey Ronny rald get on with the

game he's whistle mad isn't he talk

about Ronny rald oh ref are you the

goalkeeper he ain't done nothing oh go

away

what are we ever going to have the

pleasure of seeing you take this goal

kick I'm taking it oh no me me like I

can't

walk it's biggest gme of all time

wasting more than a crime a sin wishing

your life away and that's more than a

caution ly that's a philosophy of life

it's nearly half time anyway be Hal time

when I say so when the 45 minutes are up

it's nowhere near half time

off

[Music]

time right come on now Alin pull your

together now Mark a man get him man he's

in a space there big tall fell

[Music]

Joy good

decision right lad go on swing it

[Applause]

back come on let's have some attack

this time now this time move the ball

Joey move the ball don't let the ball

knock you

over I have to I need a new defense as

well must have somebody else up there

back that's bloody

shocking across now

over stries ball I supp come on

[Applause]

oh you great big fairy go get the

ball go straight to

if if I didn't have a gumy leg I'd do it

perfect and if if I did it perfect did

say oh gracious me we can't have that

let's put him on planting cant in

Picadilly

Gardens and if I was if I was brilliant

at that they'd say oh gracious me he's

brilliant at

gardening let's sign him on for Arsenal

at Center

forward and I'd say stick

sweetheart I'm not interested in

football I'm not how many others like

that's so broke me like in the first

place two ball two

ball oh God I'm hungry come on I'll what

no idea you know

been clear the ball up the field up the

field made the ball come on

I know that's the trouble feel like I've

been through

[Music]

Mill no good keep the ball

moving the post the fire

post h fire

D pigs bum pork you know I don't like

you swearing

[Music]

oh you've come have

you when the game's half over you told

me not to come at all because you said

you wouldn't because you told me not

to why have you then because you won't

do as I say or because you tell

lies come on Stewart come on out

quick get out take a

it was you that was obstinate at the

party you'd been obstinate all evening

only after you've been obstinate at the

party you should have said you were

sorry when you had the chance well I'm

here now aren't I silly halfway through

the match proves I'm sorry two wrongs

don't make her right

[Music]

come

here Min come here everything by score

it's heartbreaking breaks your heart

doesn't he oh class and we should be

five up at least different class should

be winning five none

[Music]

the fire ball it come off him ref it

come off the strike man

ref right Mar fell now come

on nasty ball mommy carry you bluming

Ruffians then there was Cyprus few years

back your May is Arnold killed the

terrorists Archbishop macarius everybody

all the cartoonist making him out

another Hitler he looked to villain with

that beard who not now though best of

poers he comes visiting the queen as

well must seem a bit puzzling for your

Mary we late in the day for her

Arnold poor Tommy nasty

[Applause]

men on

ra Christ's sake on your bloody

[Applause]

eyes is now Mar's armor was under age

when he joined

up joke isn't it aled his birth

certificate to get his death

[Music]

certificate I we should have a cricket

score here that's life isn't it lad I

can't you give us one that's wishful

thinking that's a jinx on a PO you can't

blame that blame the patron CER football

who's

that who's that come on

Ste Ste Ste

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

Ste nice ball son use it bad luck be a

decent player

that's a foul oh forget it he globed him

a minute ago mind you he deserved it for

calling him what he did but then again

he got cold it himself in the first half

this your

circle so where do you start tell them

to play the game play to the rules half

of them's probably been on the D for 18

months find the space lad now Shield the

ball oh hard

luck of course he should have a cricket

score but that is life

I wasn't

wrong not that it ever sinks in and all

you can do is tell them to be fair it's

never one a football match yet mind you

never won anything they might not know

meises but they know that all right been

out of nappies long

enough what can they do blame the ref

yes Lads I know being fair isn't fair

any day of the week that's why we turn

out on Sundays hoping this time it will

be never is but we hope the beauty of

football we used to call

it well we friends again now it's up to

you ain't it you're the one that's

silking hey

when you never dance with me like you

were with Alan Potter you never look at

me like you did at that bird wearing no

bra only because you'll dance like you

did with Alan Potter don't that prove

something no

it does it proves

theay with now

[Music]

do proves

what can't

remember one of them days we're just not

getting the run of the

ball come on Alan you've got nothing to

beat I didn't know you were a comedian

as

well they're all over us they making us

look

sick who side are you on

anyway well they are why are they

because they're a better rotten team are

they what's the score

then just cuz there's no goals don't

mean there shouldn't have

been you winning why are you interested

if I wasn't I wouldn't ask if you were

you'd rest as soon as you got

here it's n n I'm not

interested first time Watson first time

first time

[Music]

Watson referee

[Music]

oh dear dear again for God's sake it's

like a mad house it's like the world's

gone mad like a flaming mad house isn't

it do you have to repeat everything I

say I don't

do all the time every

syllable no no no I just happen to be

agreeing with you that's all I share

your

opinions that's not agreeing sucking up

that's it tackling oh come

on I don't suck up to no one I

don't never have done to me every

Wednesday night at training sessions

every Friday night at planning and

tactics

meetings every Sunday morning B I just

said we're out classing them and we

should have had five in you know the

world's gone mad well that's what I said

yes agreed I just happened to say after

you did that all you're an old man Sam

to for this

Caper you're 50 years too

old I know my

football I've got an old head on my

shoulders You' got old bloody

shoulders so Billy Meredith I did I Ro

on wing for city with a toothpick in his

mouth he always played with a toothpick

in his mouth

what's that got to do with

it we happen to be playing

433 it's deliberate tactical strategy

we're playing it tight at the back and

waiting for a quick break up front we

must be quick I haven't seen one yet we

haven't had one yet we're pacing our

bloody

selves you just biased come

[Music]

onad come on have

[Music]

a you don't know what it's all about do

you a poor little love see how he keeps

looking at that ball he's Disturbed you

know it could disturb him for life oh oh

now don't do that to your auntie Gwen

that's

naughty it was only playing

still that's politics isn't it nothing

Ordinary People Can Do Well human beings

don't matter to them it's all money

power no feelings none at all how oh

leave your auntie Gwen

alone you see he is

Disturbed I mean what do government care

about suffering nothing nothing at

all a what's the matter a sweetheart he

probably stood on his stone with his

little paw little

love that's it now you're working well

no

never one more like that and you go and

get rest bingo I went for the ball

according to the laws of football or you

liable before ascending off according to

the law of the realm you get 5 years at

least without remission I accidentally

nudged him Grievous bodily arm before

any caught in the land now go on get 10

yards back go on get get it on the wing

have a DI come on give me the ball no

ref no take the kick on my say so right

10 yards back I

said 10 not two

10 a bit more over this way come on come

on 2 three 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 where I am

keep it TI

captain please good morning I want these

qu girls standing here tell them oh move

back a

bit right if you don't move from off

that ball 10 yards I abandon the match

got to bend it that

side that's see from here glad best

monkey two

[Music]

don't break whatever break aband it l

abandon we get y

back get back 10 yard we will play the

game according to the rules or not at

all I shall not have my authority

flouted that's it in it it's you that

matters you and your bloody

whistle not me you don't give a son

about the football just you you saw

you're the big cheese showing everybody

who boss it's the other way

around it's the other way around it's

completely the other I just want to be

fair well prove it then yeah prove

it go on then I'll accept your apology

have to be going

now I was only R to you cuz we're not

winning I

know and you did come to watch me yeah I

did you only dance with Alan Potter cuz

I was

obstinate well you say you're sorry

then I'm sorry

Jina say it again

I'm

sorry I

accept oh well thanks for some lousy

times where you going roller skating

with Alan

Potter

well back to your positions direct free

kick defending team 10 yards from the

ball and I mean 10 yards according to

the rules once the match has been

abandoned it can't be restarted can it

get on with the game I didn't abandon it

I said I might you never

did don't argue with the referee come

on I kept my side of the bargain keep it

close back a bit

Lads thank you face the ball Palace come

on I'll definely never 10

[Music]

yard

anyway you do your

best it's all you can

do even painting white

lines with the same love you give to

planting

croissants that's a satisfaction

why while she never he the boogers

mistakes go on he's outside don't him

offside he one

[Applause]

hour take it lad take it check it

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

l well done get FL he was blowing his

nose I blowing my nose well what's your

bloody nose doing up there then your FL

for upside he didn't I didn't the refere

on his back out there he the referee's

on his back out there

how long was I out few

seconds I'll add 5 seconds on

[Applause]

it was no goal it was

offside no goal it was offside ref you

blew for a goal I blew for offside you

took your time about it I was jostled by

a player I Blew as soon as I could we

shall now proceed to take the free kick

sorry I sponge your face

now what's that for could have allowed

it an offside goal is that how you want

to win it's right that's all if we don't

win it's wrong yes it

is no flaming Justice the other side's

got a free kick that's Justice oh you

know what I

mean yes I do sick of bloody football

I'm bloody sick of it

you should hang your boots up

then you shouldn't

play what why do you think I I took up

refereeing I have promise but for the

war Arrington Stanley once wanted me for

a trial

1939 I'd have been another dixid they

said once it filled out they were bloody

wrong then weren't they

[Music]

big one down the middle

[Music]

fredet on J

again Ro up

um I don't exactly uh get your team back

in your own half ladder for the

kickoff the

kickoff yes ladyy we always have a

kickoff after a goal has been scored

don't we otherwise we'd die of

exposure a goal's been scored a goal has

been scored are we winning One n you're

winning One n

give a

[Applause]

go it you can't give that's a go that's

stupid n law n paragraph B of the rules

of football published by the Council of

the Football Association Patron Her

Majesty of the queen states that

uh the ball is in play at all times if

it rebounds off either the referee or

linesman when they are in the field of

play that's ridiculous how Bloody like

satisfied the ball didn't rebound off

you oh don't argue with the referee Lads

I don't want to send you all up they

only stroll up the field and tap another

one but look ref the ball didn't rebound

off you it was centered from the right

and you not of the suddening thing in

deliberate no sir and you're asking for

trouble being on the field of play get

the was centered from the right I ran up

with play according to my duty it struck

me on the head accidentally as I

endeavored to get out of the way and

rebounded into the net law 9 paragraph b

a goal but took the bloody ball the ball

didn't strike you there 11 men over

there who wouldn't agree with that

interpretation nor would the referee

acting in accordance with the rules of

the game be fair

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

Asam Fred can't say

anything to kick his ribs in

bloody water for 90 minutes for

nothing excuse me

Mr Excuse me Mr gy said yeah I'm not

complaining no but it wasn't far our

goal was it absolutely legal law n

paragraph I see good

morning a still think it was unfair

really only in the eyes of God lad and

he's needed new glasses for nearly 2,000

years come

in hey mister are you disy D

who footballer Dizzy

Dean Dixie Dean in then he was very

famous aren't

you who told you about him it was in a

comic oh I see I've been guarding this

place H I've been guarding it while

you've been playing in case anyone

breaks in and pinches anything he get

skin heads around here sometimes thank

you son

five new pennies T hey son what another

five makes

10 what's that for Sunday

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

for

[Music]