Original subtitles

♪ ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ thank you for bein' a friend ♪

♪ travel down the road and back again ♪

♪ your heart is true ♪

♪ you're a pal and a confidante ♪

♪ and if you threw a party ♪

♪ invited everyone you knew ♪

♪ you would see ♪

♪ the biggest gift would be from me ♪

♪ and the card attached would say ♪

♪ thank you for bein' a friend ♪

♪ thank you for bein' a friend ♪

♪ thank you for bein' a friend ♪♪

Captioning made possible by witt/thomas/harris productions, cbs television network

And 1992 nci caption club/ grantsmanship

[telephone rings]

Well, I think we've outdone ourselves.

This is shaping up to be the best christmas ever.

What do you say, sophia?

Christmas, shmistmas.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing. I'm just proud,ith these teeth, I can still say it.

It's wonderful that because of this hotel

We're able to open ourselves up to strangers

In the spirit of love.

It'll save you travel time from one hotel to another.

Chuy, you've been out in that kitchen all day.

What delicious surprise have you prepared

For tonight's christmas dinner?

Enchiladas rancheros.

Chuy, it's christmas eve.

You'll have to do better than that.

If you think I'm staying in there roasting my chestnuts, you're crazy.

Christmas isn't exactly my favorite time of year.

Yeah. Christmas, shmistmas.

Hey, that's pretty good with those teeth.

Not weally.

The uppers just swipped.

I'll tell you why I don't love christmas.

I got drafted on christmas,

I got divorced on christmas,

But there's one thing that's worse than those...

El queque navidad de los castillos.

What's that?

"the castillos walking christmas cake."

It ruined christmas for me forever.

It was this promotional idea my dad came up with

To get people into the restaurant on christmas.

I had to dress up as a layer cake

And walk amongst the customers.

I had this big headdress

Made out of whipped cream and spoons.

People picked bites off me.

I felt like tippi hedren in the birds.

Boy, whatever happened to normal christmas traditions?

I know.

That reminds me--

I have to melt cheese on my pillow,

Or santa won't fill my stocking with stew.

No. No, I understand.

Oh, it'll be my pleasure to help out.

Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

O.K., yeah. You're very welcome.

Who was that?

A friend at the children's hospital.

They want me to play santa claus tomorrow.

Their original santa fell through.

Oh, roland,

This is quite an honor.

I hope you've had the necessary training.

I'll just put on a red suit and pass out gifts.

Oh, no, you're not, buster!

What?

The real santa doesn't go through the motions.

You're going to do this right.

Now, let's see your belly.

I beg your pardon?

Your belly, mister!

I hope you can make it shake

Like a bowl full of jelly.

Show him, blanche.

Rose, I do 150 sit-ups every night

To get my stomach to look like this.

Great-- a taut santa.

We have a lot of work to do, my friend.

That's not much of a beard.

I hope you can come up with

Some really good facial hair by tomorrow.

Show him, sophia.

Hewwo, santa.

Hel--aah!

I'm warning you, little girl.

You pinch santa there again,

He's going to wing your wittle neck.

All right, now ask her what she wants.

What do you want for christmas, little girl?

I want to stay on your lap till new year's.

Sophia!

How about a sponge bath from the elves?

Get off me, sophia.

Jolly. Be jolly.

Get off me, you disgusting little old woman!

Ho ho ho ho!

You're doing much better, roland.

Don't forget that twinkle in your eye!

Yes, sir, may I help you?

I'm dr. Charles from the inner strength seminars.

Delighted to meet you.

Your group's checking in today.

Get all this cleaned up.

Excuse me?

Get rid of all these decorations.

The woman on the telephone promised me a strictly yuletide-free environment.

She said we would totally ignore christmas?

Actually, she said, "christmas, shmistmas,"

Which I found rather impressive.

Wait, I don't understand.

Who doesn't like christmas?

This is a group of recently divorced people,

Bitter over their shattered dreams.

My whole therapy is to take people

Who are traumatized over christmas

And put them in a non-festive environment.

What's a couple of wreaths?

Perhaps we'll cancel our 15 rooms.

What is a wreath, anyway?

Some people say it's

A symbol of hope.

I say it's a fire hazard with holly.

Any signs of christmas whatsoever,

And these people will check out.

Well, that's just rotten.

Sophia, you've just ruined christmas for all of us.

I can't believe you'd do something so stupid.

What do you say for yourself?

God bless us, everyone.

What's that mean?

Nothing. I'm trying to get out of it by being cute.

Look...

We'll just have to make the best of this.

We're responsible adults. We can handle it.

♪ deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪

♪ fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la ♪♪

We need to talk, rose.

Oh, rose isn't here!

I'm nicodemus, santa's number one helper-in-chief!

Rose, honey, we've got some bad news.

There's been a terrible mix-up.

We cannot mention christmas

Around the guests we've got coming.

What?

The costume's got to go.

No way!

I'm going to wear my elf costume,

Or I'm going to walk around naked.

I know. I've said the same thing myself many times.

But, honey,

They'll check out if they see or hear

Anytng related to christmas.

Can't we secretly celebrate in one of our rooms?

If they hear a christmas carol

Or laughter

Or merriment of any kind, they'll just leave.

Oh, but it's christmas!

And we'll all be so disappointed

If we can't have christmas.

The tree's in the dumpster

And I feel like a million bucks.

This will be the best christmas--

No caroling, no gifts,

No dinner to clean up afterwards--

No reminders of christmas whatsoever.

Didn't you forget to say, "bah, humbug"?

So I did.

Bah, humbug!

Bah, humbug.

Chuy, every time you say "bah, humbug," an elf cries.

Rose, they're crying because they're lonely little men

Whose dating pool consists of reindeer and each other.

Look, I'm sorry,

We just obviously have different ideas about christmas.

People shouldn't go into hock up to their ears

To buy gifts for people

Who are just going to desert them.

Christmas-- who needs it?

Bah, humbug!

Ohh!

How can anybody be so cruel on christmas eve?

Let's fire him!

Christmas...

Bah, humbug.

Christmas...

Huh!

Oh. I was having a dream.

Yeah, I was just having--

Aah!

Chuy...

Chuy castillos.

Who are you?

Rose? What are you doing in my bedroom?

I am the ghost of christmas past.

What?

Why am I wearing this goofy hat?

Haven't you ever had a christmas dream before?

Never!

They only come to those who wait.

No, that's something else.

You're not really here.

You're just something I ate at woodstock.

Chuy castillos...

You have neglected the spirit of christmas

And the welfare of your fellow man.

I am going to take you back to your childhood.

O.K., but can we skip junior high?

I had zits and no friends.

Save it for the shrink.

Come with me.

Come with me.

Come with me.

Come with me.

Come with me.

My mistake.

My mistake.

My mistake.

My mistake.

Behold--the kitchen of your father's restaurant

That you left 30 years ago.

This is the kitchen of the hotel I left 30 minutes ago.

Was there an oven in your father's kitchen?

Yes.

Was there a sink in your father's kitchen?

Yes.

Then shut up and work with me on this.

Hey, it's my pop.

I never realized what a good-looking man he was.

Hey, pop, looking good!

He can neither see nor hear us.

Who said that?

O.K., chuy...

Chuy, come out!

No!

Chuy, all the customers are waiting for you.

Make them go away!

I can't do that.

They're all waiting for el queque navidad de los castillos.

We can't have christmas without you.

Here it comes. I can't look.

Look, look.

How bad can it be?

I--

Ahem.

I feel stupid.

You tell him, kid.

Stupid?

The most important member of our family?

You have been given a great honor.

You get to walk into the room with dignity,

Carrying 12 generations of castillos tradition,

So stand tall.

Now come here. I got to fill up that hat.

Know what it's like

To have your head filled with whipped cream?

Mm-hmm.

Tell me again--

Why am I reliving this humiliation?

Chuy castillos, your father was trying to teach you

A valuable lesson,

But because of your embarrassment,

You didn't listen.

Remember, chuy--

We open our restaurant on christmas

So people without a loving family like ours

Can have a nice, warm, friendly place

To celebrate the holidays.

This is what christmas is all about--

The joy of giving.

I know that, papa,

But why do I have to wear the costume?

Because.

A two-drink minimum requires a floor show.

Now get out there. Come on.

I don't know about you,

But I was touched.

O.K., ghost of christmas past--

Where'd she go?

Whoa! Who are you?

I am the ghost of christmas presents.

The ghost of christmas presents?

I've come to find out

What presents you bought.

For who?

For that young fellow,

Those two older ladies,

And that gorgeous young southern girl.

I didn't get them anything.

It's not like they're family.

Really? I wonder if they feel that way about you.

Come and look.

♪ two turtle doves ♪

♪ and a partridge in a pear tree ♪♪

O.K., o.K., I believe you.

There is a 48-day version.

The last time I was in a place this cold,

They were hanging up jimmy hoffa by his--

♪ jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

♪ jingle all the way ♪♪

Can we get out of here?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

This is the only place we can celebrate

Without upsetting the guests.

I think we all need some more eggnog.

You want some nutmeg sprinkled on top of that?

Can we get out of here now, please?

That's not a very nice christmas attitude

For someone who wants to play st. Nick.

Come on, let's hear those reindeer names, buster!

Dancer, prancer,

Donner, blitzen,

Freezin', fricken', mother--

Roland!

Look, we're all cold,

But we can't leave until we open our presents.

We can't open our presents yet.

Chuy's still in his room,

Probably wrapping all our gifts.

Oops.

We can't open presents till chuy gets here.

He's part of the family.

You squirming yet?

Yeah, I'm squirming, I'm squirming.

Boy, it's cold.

I'm frozen stiff.

All I can move is my mouth.

There's a no-win situation.

I never thought I'd say this,

But this has really been

A wonderful christmas.

It's brought us closer together.

We may not have the trimmings,

But we've got each other.

That's really more important

Than all the fancy parties and presents.

That's the thing about christmas--

You know where your home is.

Whether you can get there or not,

You know where it is.

Right here.

Yeah. A toast, then...

To us.

Ah.

And chuy.

To absent friends.

Yeah. Merry christmas.

Merry christmas.

Merry christmas. I love you.

So how do you feel?

About this big.

Yeah, I'm cold, too. Let's get out of here.

Huh!

What a nightmare!

You're no andy garcia yourself.

Who are you?

Topper.

I'm the ghost of christmas yet to come.

You're not much for picking up on a pattern.

Look at the tv.

Hey...It's me.

That's right. It's your future.

How far in the future are we?

It's an all-gay army now.

They haven't won any wars,

But the parades are fabulous.

Psst!

Christmas gift exchange at 5:00.

What are you, crazy?

The new owner doesn't allow us to celebrate christmas!

New owner?

You mean the ladies lose the hotel?

Rose, rose, it was horrible!

Oh, blanche, what's wrong?

I just came from my church social.

Henry richards, the most eligible man in the congregation...

He tried to--

He tried to--

Kiss me.

Oh!

I just felt so unclean.

I simply cannot ever look at another man

Ever since that horrible, evil thing married me

And then divorced me to get this hotel.

Oh, I hate him!

I hate him, too.

Hey, who is this monster who bought the hel?

[roland] oh, look. It's mr. Castillos,

Prince of business,

Who drives all lesser mortals before him

Like leaves in a storm.

What's up?

Now do you see?

Your hatred of christmas turned you into a greedy, selfish monster

Who everybody hates.

Surely not everybody can hate me.

What about sophia?

Hey, where's sophia?

Oh, mr. Castillos, I know how you hate and despise christmas,

But I was wondering if you could find it in your heart

To let us have a little celebration?

You want a celebration?

O.K.

But we celebrate my way.

Oh, spoonhead!

Spoonhead, come out here!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Dance, spoonhead! Dance, I say!

This is terrible!

Isn't there anything I can do to stop this from happening?

Of course.

Change your ways and you change the future.

I got to go now.

Oh, man, what a dream!

It's still christmas. I haven't missed it.

Merry christmas, everybody!

The freezer!

Aah!

Oh, man...

Talk about gilding the lily.

All right, I get it, I get it!

No more goofy cap.

I am awake... And I still have time!

And thanks to inner strength seminars,

My horrible memories of that so-called holiday

Are almost completely gone.

Thank you.

Thank you, wanda, for that very special testimony

On a day like any other day.

Merry christmas!

Merry christmas, everybody!

Will you stop it?

They're trying to get over christmas!

I used to be just like you.

Let me tell you this little story, o.K.?

When I was a kid, I hated christmas.

My dad was a fair man, but he worked us hard

And had this strange way of celebrating christmas.

Yeah. Rose, thank you for everything you've done.

I hope I don't let you down.

Oh, don't worry.

The minute you put on that red jacket

And grab your sack of goodies,

You can't help but bring pleasure to people's lives.

Merry christmas, everybody!

Merry christmas!

Come on in.

Hey, wait a minute! What is this?

I thought you hated christmas!

Well, we did, but chuy told us about this amazing dream he had,

And after checking his blood alcohol level,

It really got us thinking.

Chuy's right.

Christmas isn't a time to be self-involved,

It's a time for sharing your life with others.

Maybe if I was a licensed therapist,

I'd have kno that.

This is what I call a real christmas celebration--

Everybody talking and sharing and acting jolly.

Did somebody say jolly?

Oh-ho-ho!

Look at you! You're so authentic!

What do you say, blanche?

Hey, those are my boots.

Let's sing some christmas carols.

I don't know if they're ready for carols.

Let's give it a shot.

♪ o come, all ye faithful ♪

[singing perfect harmony] ♪ joyful and triumphant ♪

♪ o come ye ♪

♪ o come ye to bethlehem... ♪

Sophia...

You're being awful quiet through all of this.

Don't you have something to say?

Actually, I do.

Merry christmas, shmistmas to all...

And to all a good night.

♪ o come let us adore him ♪

♪ christ the lord ♪

♪ sing, - choirs of angels... ♪♪

Captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc.