Original subtitles

- Hey! Kyle the Cloud 9 Cloud here!

And I'm about to make it rain savings!

15% off all dental products!

You want the tooth?

You can't handle the tooth!

Meatballs with a chance of clouds?

Give me a break!

A dance break!

He killed 14 people

about Daniel Hertzler,

better known to millions as Kyle the Cloud 9 Cloud.

- Damn, when white people go crazy, they really do it up.

- Yeah, we pretty much still have the market cornered

on serial killing.

It's one of the last non-integrated industries.

- Okay, look, this is not the best in-store viewing.

Amy, could you change it?

- Right. Got it.

Um...

Oh. - Oh, no, no.

No, that just made it worse.

- Yeah, thank you, Jonah.

- I'm sorry, Amy, could you just let me do it?

Do you mind if I try? Thank you.

And purchased at a Cloud 9 store.

- Oh, no.

Evenly portioned pieces

with their genitals preserved in pickling jars.

- That makes sense. - Oh.

- We sell pickle jars?

- No, no. - It's not working.

We're gonna have to drown this out.

Everybody sing, okay?

Come on, what's wrong with you?

Garrett, give me a beat or something.

Anything.

Okay.

Cry it out!

- Cry it out!

- As most of you may have heard, our company spokesman

has been accused of some improprieties.

- By improprieties, you mean killing

Or is there a tax evasion thing going on as well?

- The killing and eating.

I can't speak to his tax situation.

Anyway, does anybody have any questions?

- What is the difference between a zombie and a cannibal?

- Oh, okay, a zombie is undead,

and a cannibal's just, like, a dude who eats people.

- So I kind of meant work-related questions.

- But I'm right though?

- He is correct.

- I have a work-related question.

What security measures are we taking to avoid revenge crimes?

- Revenge crimes?

- Families of the victims trying to eat us as payback.

I mean, that's what I would do.

- Okay, let's not rush to judgment.

These are just allegations.

I'm sure he didn't do it.

- Wait, Glenn?

Why are you so sure he didn't do it?

- Because, Amy, I met Kyle at a corporate conference last year.

We had a great conversation.

He seemed like a good guy.

I guess there's no reason for a trial.

- I am telling you, there is no way that good man

could have done this horrible thing.

Right, Jeff?

- Uh-huh.

- You know, this was creepy even before he murdered people.

- This paint smells like wet dog,

and it's gonna take at least three coats to cover this.

This is the worst day ever.

- The worst.

- I mean, obviously, Kyle the Cloud's victims...

- Yeah. No, no.

- Had a worse day when he ate their flesh off their bones.

- Terrible day. That was a terrible day.

Goes without saying. Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Although, at least their suffering is over, you know?

Ours has just begun.

- Is it insensitive that I'd rather

be in Kyle the Cloud's basement?

- No.

At least you could read down there.

- So dark and cool.

- That would be so nice.

- That's my baby sleeping.

- Oh, cool. - Aww.

- Sleeping.

So cute.

- Sleeping. - Like a little angel.

- Sleeping.

Oh. Oh, my gosh, this next one's kind of funny.

Sleeping.

- Okay, guys, guys, guys, I need everyone's opinion.

Especially you, Garrett, since your brand is telling it

like it is.

- Oh, thank you for noticing.

- - Did you guys pick up on any weird tension

between me and Jeff at that meeting?

'Cause I think he might be into me.

Oh, I thought you were joking.

No.

- I am so sorry.

Stop bullying, Sandra.

- Why do you think he's into you?

- Okay, the last time he was here,

he came up to me at the end of the day,

looked me straight in the eyes and said,

"I noticed you."

He said, "I noticed you"?

Ooh, Jeff is slutty.

- Okay, it's not what he said, it's how he said it.

It wasn't like...

"I noticed you."

It was like...

"I noticed you."

No, that wasn't it.

It was more like...

"I noticed you."

Ah, that sounded Scottish.

Dungeon where the actor would videotape himself

dismembering and devouring his victims,

often while in cloud costume.

- Oh, God.

- I've said it once, I'll say it again:

you are a terrible judge of character.

Also you have a weak chin and you can't dance.

Additional items found on the property

were a coffin filled with hair

and several small bags of marijuana.

- Wait, they found marijuana?

This is incredible!

- Oh, no!

Get that weak chin off me!

- They found marijuana!

He was high!

- I hate him.

So much.

- We definitely need smocks

- Hello, Clarice.

Oh, gross, stop.

- It's crazy how much Kyle stuff we have to throw away.

Corporate really put their money on "not a cannibal."

- Oh, God, they used to make us wear this suit

to hand out flyers.

- Dare you to put it on.

- No. No, thank you.

You don't want to put on the cloud suit

because you've already got a big chicken suit on

'cause you're a big chicken.

- Oh, my God.

Is that supposed to pressure me into putting the suit on?

You're right, you're right.

Doing awesome things is overrated.

Just go back to painting.

Well, grab an umbrella

'cause there's a cloud moving in.

Psssh.

- What does that even mean?

Oh, my God! You're doing it.

Okay, sorry. Say your cool line again.

Say it. - Well, grab...

No, we're past it.

Today, of all days, she's dressed like the killer.

Why would she do that?

Hi.

- Oh.

- Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.

I wouldn't let my kids touch that.

- It says on your website that all your rooms

have Animal Planet.

- Hey there.

I noticed you were on the phone.

- No, it's not life or death, it's just, you know,

at the end of a hard day, sometimes you want to come home

and watch some monkeys swinging around on the trees.

- I'm just gonna come back later.

- I'm sorry, could you hold on one second please?

Hey.

There's something I'd like to ask you,

but I feel a little weird about it.

- Oh, no. Please, please.

- Yeah? - Yep, ask away.

- Somebody vomited in the ladies room,

multiple stalls.

Would you mind?

- Of course.

- Great, thank you. Thanks.

I appreciate that.

Hi, yes, while I have you on the phone,

I wanted to ask you why the curtains were gone

when I got back last night.

I'd prefer to have them.

- Just louder. - I'm hungry.

What is wrong with her?

I'm hungry.

- Amy.

What are you wearing that for?

- Be... Jonah...

- Ah, buh, buh, buh, buh.

- I'm dressed in this costume to show my support

for the cannibal lifestyle.

- Oh.

Oh, well, as it turns out,

Kyle was not a cannibal.

He was only killing and eating people

because he was high on marijuana.

What?

- It's just that I don't think that marijuana turns people

into murderers.

- Otherwise we'd literally be surrounded by killers.

- You don't think people in this store do marijuana, do you?

- I mean...

- Uh, probably.

- Well, how... how many of them?

- Like...

Half.

- Half?

Wait, half do, or half don't?

It's both.

Both?

- Okay, so, tummy time is literally just a baby

spending time on its tummy.

Hmm.

- Wait, she's gonna turn her head...

now.

Nope, now.

Nope, now.

Nope.

Oh, sorry, guys, bad timing.

Hi, Bo, I was just showing them the tummy time video.

No, not that one, the good one.

- This has got to stop.

- Thank you.

- She is breaking an unspoken social contract.

You show one photo.

One.

And we all say it's the cutest baby we ever seen

even if it's creepy, which it is,

because it's a shrunken-down human,

and then we all move on with our lives.

- I mean, I have a ton of photos of my dogs,

but no one wants to see those.

Right?

- Right.

- Yeah.

Not even the one where they're dressed as Ewoks.

- All right, you know I got to see that.

Okay, come on now.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

Little Ewok dog.

You stealing a speeder?

You can't drive a speeder, Ewok dog.

- Hey, Cody.

- Hey.

- Hey. Just ignore me.

Just wanted to tell you I value you.

- Thank you.

I appreciate that.

I'm going to go over there, okay?

- If you're smelling the workers, you gotta smell Elias.

On Thursdays he smells like ham.

It's hilarious.

- Dina, do you think that marijuana could've had anything

to do with what Kyle did?

- That's just about the stupidest thing

you've ever said.

Fine.

I'm just wondering if I have to start

drug testing the employees.

- But you always say that you don't want to do that.

- I know, but if the alternative is someone in this store

getting eaten.

- Oh, wow. Ooh.

Well, to be safe, I mean, I could do a surprise

comprehensive drug test, but that's your call.

I mean, I could go either way.

Do it, don't do it.

I mean, if I had to decide, I guess I'm leaning towards

do it.

- Yes. Okay.

Go for it.

- It's up to you.

I'm coming for you, Tommy Chong.

I'm coming for you.

- How much longer do I have?

- Three minutes.

You can just give up.

- Nope!

I take not being a chicken very seriously.

I'm doing a dare.

I'm winning.

- The test will detect any drugs in your system.

We're talking marijuana, cocaine, heroin,

methamphetamines.

- What about power pellets?

- I don't see that. What are they?

- Oh, you just take some big boppers,

you cut in some fetty wap, you put a little disco shake

on there, and then you roll that up in some Doc McStuffins.

Smoke it.

Get real high.

- All right, we're gonna be testing for everything, okay?

- Excuse me, I just remembered I have to leave early.

I have a thing at the place. - What place?

- That place. You know, the one we talked about earlier.

- You talked to me about it?

- Yeah, I filled out an application and Brett saw it,

he said it's cool, so...

- You spoke to Brett about it?

Okay, nobody is leaving until I get three ounces of yellow,

all right?

- Okay, look, everyone, Dina has my full support on this.

Okay, this is for your protection.

- Look, people, if you haven't done any drugs

in the last 72 hours, you have nothing to worry about.

- What about way too much wine?

I'm so bad.

- Justine, you're not an alcoholic.

Stop bragging.

- Attention Cloud 9 shoppers:

we hope you're having a lovely day.

If you have any questions or concerns,

please find our lead salesman, Charles.

- Is there anything we should know about him?

He is in charge.

- Hey, Mateo. - Hey.

- Hi.

Do you think I could have your number?

- My number?

Sure, you can have my number.

It's 314... - Mm-hmm.

- 982. - Got it.

Employee number 314982 is getting a letter of commendation

in his file.

- Oh.

- For cleaning up the vomit.

- Yeah.

- You are a good vomit mopper.

- Damn.

It is getting steamy in here.

- I'm just saying, usually one person dares

and then the other person has to do it.

You... you understand that, right?

- Yep, I get it.

- Oh, listen, if you want to do this thing alone, by all means.

- Nope. - I have no problem...

- All right, hold on.

- Sorry! Sorry!

Move out of the way!

- Hands up! - Okay, okay!

- Hey, guys.

- Hey, Jeff. - Hi, Jeff.

- What are you doing?

- Product testing.

- Product testing.

- Okay.

- Bye, Jeff.

That was awesome.

- Yep. One more time?

- Yeah. - How do we get back there?

- Let's... I don't know.

Shimmy over?

- Is it moving? - We're getting it.

- Hey, how's it going? - Great.

We get the results tomorrow and I'll call everyone who's fired.

Actually, I'll just call those who aren't fired.

It'll save me some time.

- No, I don't want to start firing people.

Okay, look, maybe we shouldn't be doing this.

- Look, I get it.

You love these people.

I do too, but we told them there would be a urine test,

- I... I don't believe that's true.

- It is true.

They'll think we're weak and they'll think we're liars.

Is that who we are?

Huh?

Are we weak liars?

- No, we're strong truth tellers.

- Heck yeah we are. Pep up.

The lab comes at 5:00.

You know that's human urine, right?

Suit yourself.

- When she's hungry, it's like...

But when she's tired, it's like...

And when she's...

- Just shut up about the baby!

- Oh.

Um, okay.

- What?

- What, was I talking too much about the baby?

I can stop.

- Oh.

- Great. Well, thank you.

I mean, it's not that we don't want to hear about your baby,

it's just that it's been a lot.

- No, I understand.

It's like you with your sneakers.

- What you mean?

- Oh, you know, how you're always like,

"Oh, yeah, I just ordered my pair of retro Jordans

that are coming in two days."

- "You can only get these kicks in Japan."

Really seeing everybody's true colors today.

Real cool.

- Well, I'm taking off.

- All right, have a good night.

- I gotta stop by the hotel first.

I guess there was some kind of a rodent/bedbug fire.

So that's...

And after that, though, I was gonna hit the new Italian place.

Are you busy?

- Nope.

In aisle six?

- No, I was just wondering if you wanted to get dinner.

- You mean, like, pick it up for you?

- No, I mean, like, take you out to dinner

to the Italian place that I just mentioned.

Have you never been asked out on a date before?

- You're asking me out on a date?

- Uh-huh.

I knew it!

Oh, I thought, but then Garrett...

Ha! I knew it.

- So is that a yes?

- Oh.

I haven't even really thought about that.

I usually don't date white guys, but you know what?

Sure, why not?

- Oh, my God, I cannot wait to tell Garrett

that I was right about this.

I'm gonna rub it in his stupid face.

- Well, you see, this is where it gets a little touchy.

Just as a manager, I shouldn't really be dating any employees,

so we would have to keep this between us

if that's okay.

- Yeah.

You're the boss.

I should really get on that dead pigeon.

- Yes, I didn't want to ask

'cause I didn't want to ruin the moment.

- Hey, Glenn. - Mm.

- What's going on?

- Oh, I'm just having a bad day.

- You want to talk about it?

I'm happy to be your blender.

- My blender?

- Yeah, you know, like, you give me your thoughts

and your feelings, and I'll mix 'em up and give you back

something real good.

- Okay, I'm not sure I made the right decision

about this whole drug testing thing.

- Yeah, it's a bit extreme.

Sort of like a... it's like a watermelon-sized reaction.

- Watermelon. - Yeah.

- It's just, I was so wrong about Kyle.

It makes me question how much I really know the people

around here.

- Sure, you don't know everything about everyone,

but you know the important stuff.

Like, you know that Garrett is a can of soup.

You know, he's hard on the outside,

but warm and soft on the inside.

- He is a can of soup.

- Yeah.

And Cheyenne is... Cheyenne's a yoga mat.

She's colorful and she's fun,

and... then also she's, like, a little thick.

- Yeah. Ah.

- Yeah, yeah.

And... and Jonah is an alarm clock.

He's just, like, so annoying in the morning.

- So annoying.

- Yeah, you just kinda wanna...

- I'd like to throw him at the wall some days.

- Right?

And you're the golf club. You know?

You're... you're the one that...

You're the one that...

- That drives the worker balls

soaring towards their full potential.

- Yes. - Yeah!

- Exactly.

- Thank you, Amy.

You've really got a way with words.

- Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go tee off on someone.

- Dina, cancel the tests.

The golf club is here.

- What are you talking about?

- I'll tell you what I'm talking about.

We... - Whoa, whoa!

- Don't...

need...

these...

anymore.

- My coffee cup's in there.

- Yes, it is.

Okay, Amy.

Hey.

How's it going?

Good to see you. Good afternoon.

It is cold in here, isn't it?

They crank that A/C up.

I need a drink myself.

Hi.

Good afternoon.

Hey.

Be careful what you wish for

'cause you just might a-get it.

- Oh, hey, man.

- Oh, hey, Adam.

What... how's it... what's... What's going on, man?

- Adam just came to pick me up.

- Yeah, me too.

I mean, I'm going as well.

It's the end of the day.

I'm tired myself.

Yeah, I get it.

I was just... just coming to say good-bye.

I'll catch you on the flip side, all right, bro?

It's good to see you.

- Okay.

- So...

what was that about?

- Um...

nothing.

He's just weird.