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1
00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:27,840
- Hi.
- Hello.
2
00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:29,040
How's your day been?
3
00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:31,960
Oh, you know.
4
00:00:32,080 --> 00:00:34,200
No. Tell me.
5
00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:37,040
What?
6
00:00:37,160 --> 00:00:39,000
Nothing. I'm just waiting
for an answer to my question.
7
00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:40,840
What, there's nothing
weird about me?
8
00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:43,400
No. You look nice.
9
00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:47,680
Oh, I see, OK. Right.
10
00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:50,720
- Please stop now.
- Stop saying you look nice?
11
00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:53,040
All of it, the... the...
12
00:00:53,160 --> 00:00:57,800
The smiling, the looking at me,
the get-up.
13
00:00:57,920 --> 00:01:01,280
It's not a get-up.
I'm hardly wearing fancy dress.
14
00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:03,600
The effect is somewhat similar.
15
00:01:03,720 --> 00:01:05,800
- I'm trying.
- I see that.
16
00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:09,640
- Try in a different way.
- OK, give me some tips.
17
00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:11,840
For example, the text message
you sent me this morning.
18
00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:14,320
- Ah, more things like that?
- No, nothing like that.
19
00:01:14,440 --> 00:01:16,760
- What was wrong with it?
- It was creepy.
20
00:01:16,880 --> 00:01:18,720
"Looking forward
to seeing you later." That one?
21
00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:20,200
- Yes.
- That was creepy?
22
00:01:20,320 --> 00:01:21,760
- Yes.
- Jesus.
23
00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:23,520
- It sounds like you're trying.
- I am trying.
24
00:01:23,640 --> 00:01:25,360
Well, don't.
25
00:01:25,480 --> 00:01:26,800
I'd try if you were
someone new.
26
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:28,080
Of course, but I'm not, am I?
27
00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:29,680
Were you looking forward
to seeing me?
28
00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:32,120
- Oh, yes.
- That is a lie.
29
00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:34,080
No. You weren't looking forward
to seeing me, then?
30
00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:35,360
I saw you yesterday.
31
00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:38,000
But that was just,
you know, parenting.
32
00:01:38,120 --> 00:01:39,760
We didn't have a chance to chat.
33
00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:42,120
- Have a catch-up?
- If you want.
34
00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:44,520
It's not really starting again,
though, is it?
35
00:01:44,640 --> 00:01:46,880
Catch up with people
you've known for a long time.
36
00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:49,880
I mean, if we stay living apart,
that's what we'll be doing.
37
00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:52,560
We'll be saying,
"Hi. How you been?
38
00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:53,920
"Kids are doing well,
aren't they?
39
00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:55,960
"Got any good
graduation photos?
40
00:01:56,080 --> 00:01:58,000
- "Nice to meet you, Naomi."
- Who's Naomi?
41
00:01:58,120 --> 00:02:00,640
Or Jenny or Jackie or whatever,
your new partner.
42
00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:02,240
And that doesn't
make you feel a bit sick?
43
00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:03,680
No, not really. I mean,
44
00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:06,080
if we do split,
I'd like us all to get along.
45
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:09,160
"Us all" includes
your new partner, I presume?
46
00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:12,200
Your Colin or Roger or Nigel?
47
00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:14,800
- Oh, thanks.
- Just examples of names.
48
00:02:14,920 --> 00:02:16,320
Really crap names.
49
00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:18,160
I'm sure
they're very nice people.
50
00:02:18,280 --> 00:02:20,800
You wouldn't turn your nose up
at Colin Firth
51
00:02:20,920 --> 00:02:25,680
or Roger Federer
or Nigel...Kennedy.
52
00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:27,200
Nigel Kennedy?
53
00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:29,720
Nigel de Jong.
54
00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:32,120
- Who's that?
- It's a Dutch footballer.
55
00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:33,760
Shoulda got sent off
in the World Cup final.
56
00:02:33,880 --> 00:02:35,920
He studded a Spanish player
in the chest right up here.
57
00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:37,400
It was a terrible challenge.
58
00:02:37,520 --> 00:02:38,760
You're not selling him to me.
59
00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:40,680
I'm sure
he's not like that at home.
60
00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:44,320
Anyway, you weren't thinking
about those people.
61
00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:46,640
You were thinking about
home counties bank managers.
62
00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:48,320
Nothing wrong
with bank managers.
63
00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:51,840
We could use one in the family.
My solvency issues.
64
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:53,000
Shouldn't be too sniffy.
65
00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:54,440
Can we not talk
about my next partner?
66
00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:56,000
OK.
67
00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:58,000
Let's talk about mine.
68
00:02:58,120 --> 00:03:00,880
What does Naomi do,
as a matter of interest?
69
00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:04,520
Naomi? Mm...
No, not getting anything.
70
00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:06,840
Well, give me another one, then.
How about Jenny?
71
00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:08,360
Talk to me about lovely Jenny.
72
00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:11,360
Jenny. Jenny's just opened
her own coffee shop.
73
00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:12,840
You went in there
to work every day.
74
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:15,040
You got to know her
and the rest is history.
75
00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:16,480
Well, history in the future,
anyway.
76
00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:18,600
Speculative history,
a new literary genre.
77
00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:20,760
Oh, and she loves kids
but she missed her moment
78
00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:22,720
because she spent too long
with a bloke
79
00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:25,840
who couldn't make up his mind
and now it's too late.
80
00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:28,200
- Oh, why is it too late?
- Because she's too old.
81
00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:30,400
No. No.
82
00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:32,360
No, you're not palming me off
with old Jenny.
83
00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:35,680
- You're in your fifth decade.
- Yeah, but Jenny's not.
84
00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:37,520
Jenny's sprightly and young.
85
00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:40,120
Lots of older men end up
with younger women.
86
00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:41,360
There's Ronnie Wood
87
00:03:41,480 --> 00:03:43,360
and Rupert Murdoch,
Nelson Mandela.
88
00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:44,760
What have they got
that you haven't?
89
00:03:44,880 --> 00:03:46,000
What have I got
that they haven't?
90
00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:47,280
I'm much younger
than those lads.
91
00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:49,160
You might be drifting
into unwise territory.
92
00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:50,240
You're probably right.
93
00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:52,160
Anyway, if you had kids,
of course...
94
00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:53,960
Well, I mean, not that
that would be very good,
95
00:03:54,080 --> 00:03:55,760
but, anyway, if you did
have children again,
96
00:03:55,880 --> 00:03:57,640
you'd be good for a game
of football in the backyard
97
00:03:57,760 --> 00:03:59,000
but as for the other stuff...
98
00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:01,120
I would be better
at technology stuff
99
00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:02,920
than Rupert Murdoch,
100
00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:05,480
who I doubt knows
how to do Spotify.
101
00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:06,840
He'd have staff.
102
00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:08,600
But he wouldn't be able
to use them in a contest.
103
00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:09,800
Fair enough.
104
00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:12,600
Also, I would kill
Rupert Murdoch at tennis
105
00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:14,200
because I've got
a height advantage
106
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:15,800
as well as the age advantage.
107
00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:18,000
You should challenge him,
settle this once and for all.
108
00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:20,880
I think if you explained to him
that you needed to beat him
109
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:23,120
to show that you're entitled
to a younger second wife.
110
00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:24,280
he would oblige.
111
00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:26,600
And then,
to really stick the knife in,
112
00:04:26,720 --> 00:04:29,040
I'll ask him if he knows
who Stormzy is.
113
00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:30,440
Oh, he'd know
all about Stormzy.
114
00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:32,360
- How?
- Younger wife, kids,
115
00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:34,760
several TV channels,
a few tabloid newspapers.
116
00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:37,040
Again, he wouldn't be allowed
to consult with them
117
00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:39,320
under the rules
I've just drawn up.
118
00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:43,520
Perhaps we're drifting
from the matter at hand.
119
00:04:43,640 --> 00:04:45,400
Seems to me
that the further we drift,
120
00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:47,160
- the happier we get.
- That's weird, isn't it?
121
00:04:47,280 --> 00:04:48,480
Not really.
122
00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:49,960
Discussing
a malfunctioning marriage
123
00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:51,600
is depressing
and time-consuming,
124
00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:54,400
and imagining a future
with Jenny from the tea shop
125
00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:58,640
and Nigel from the bank
is quite liberating.
126
00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:00,480
Yeah, but you can
always do that,
127
00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:02,640
you can always just...
128
00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:06,080
you know, imagine easier lives
than the one you're in.
129
00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:08,840
Is it as much fun
living on your own
130
00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:11,600
as you thought it would be?
131
00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:14,400
- I never thought it would be.
- That's a lie.
132
00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:16,600
Every adult with children
and a spouse
133
00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:18,800
imagines an empty flat
with no clutter,
134
00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:21,120
a white rug without
Coke stains all over it,
135
00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:23,520
a big double bed to oneself,
136
00:05:23,640 --> 00:05:26,760
remote control without Sellotape
wrapped round it,
137
00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:28,240
drawers
that aren't full of crap.
138
00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:29,560
We can have a go
at the drawers.
139
00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:31,560
I just...
140
00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:34,720
Quiet. I'd just like to live
somewhere quiet
141
00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:37,960
with nobody playing hip hop
from the bathroom
142
00:05:38,080 --> 00:05:40,280
or screaming at an Xbox.
143
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:42,320
I don't do that so much
now I'm better at Call of Duty.
144
00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:45,160
Nobody complaining
about the quality of the Wi-Fi
145
00:05:45,280 --> 00:05:48,600
as if I've somehow authorized
a cheap version.
146
00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:51,280
- No cat puke to clean up.
- Oh, aye aye.
147
00:05:52,880 --> 00:05:55,640
A new couple.
Well, newish.
148
00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:57,280
God, why bother?
149
00:05:57,400 --> 00:06:00,640
I mean, if we're still having
troubles at their age...
150
00:06:00,760 --> 00:06:02,960
Well, we won't be.
I'll be long gone.
151
00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:05,160
I don't know.
Maybe that's the time to do it.
152
00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:08,080
- Why?
- Dying alone and all that.
153
00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:10,080
- Stakes are high.
- Do you think about that?
154
00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:13,240
I'm living in a squat
with Media Study students.
155
00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:14,720
Course I think
about dying alone.
156
00:06:14,840 --> 00:06:16,160
You never told me
it was a squat.
157
00:06:16,280 --> 00:06:17,840
Can we talk about that
another time? This is important.
158
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:20,600
You must see people all the time
who are gonna die alone.
159
00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:22,040
No, they're gonna die
in hospital,
160
00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:23,760
surrounded
by lovely Polish nurses.
161
00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:25,400
- You're not gonna have that.
- Why not?
162
00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:28,320
Because you voted to chuck
all the Polish nurses out.
163
00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:30,840
Anyway, why is it all
about you dying alone?
164
00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:32,040
What about little old me?
165
00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:33,600
You don't seem
that bothered about it.
166
00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:36,960
Anyway, it's not the dying part,
it's the year or two before.
167
00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:39,720
- Here's to a heart attack.
- Car accident.
168
00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:46,000
Did you ever have a baby pact
with anyone?
169
00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:47,480
- I'm not sure.
- I did.
170
00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:49,880
I had one with Neil,
when we were both single.
171
00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:51,920
We had this idea that...
172
00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:55,160
if we were both still single
by the time we were 35
173
00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:56,880
he was going to impregnate me.
174
00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:58,880
- The normal way?
- Yes, the normal way.
175
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:01,640
- Your friend from college?
- Yes, Neil Parker.
176
00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:05,440
You were gonna have sex
with Neil Parker?
177
00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:07,600
Yes, to get pregnant.
178
00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:09,120
Well, there's another one.
179
00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:11,880
No, that's the whole point.
It's a last resort.
180
00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:14,680
Neil bloody Parker.
181
00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:18,040
Forget the sex part. It...
182
00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:22,360
The point is that you and I
could make a death pact
183
00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:24,080
instead of a baby pact.
184
00:07:25,760 --> 00:07:27,200
If it looks like we're going
to die alone,
185
00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:28,760
we move back in together
186
00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:31,160
or we move into the same
retirement home or something.
187
00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:32,800
Great.
188
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:35,840
Something positive to take
into this week's session,
189
00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:37,440
a death pact.
190
00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:41,600
I think it's positive. I think
it shows a certain good will.
191
00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:42,960
It's not what I was hoping for
192
00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:45,120
when I bought a new shirt
and got myself a haircut.
193
00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:47,680
What were you hoping for?
194
00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:52,760
Oh, God, how are
new starts possible
195
00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:57,480
when you've been together
a long time and you have kids
196
00:07:57,600 --> 00:07:59,920
and you spend years being
irritated by the other person
197
00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:02,520
but if they stop irritating you,
they're not them anymore?
198
00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:05,520
My text earlier,
it was me not being me.
199
00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:08,040
- Exactly.
- So I need to stay as me.
200
00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:09,480
Yep.
201
00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:12,560
While also, at the same time,
being quite different.
202
00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:15,640
It's a conundrum.
203
00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:24,120
Can I ask you something?
Of course.
204
00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:26,000
Jenny's coffee shop,
205
00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:27,960
is it doing OK, do you think?
206
00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:31,000
Early days,
but promising signs.
207
00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:33,200
A lot of mums
from the local primary school
208
00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:36,240
are starting to use it
and they're spreading the word.
209
00:08:36,360 --> 00:08:38,160
Ah.
210
00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:40,120
I'll probably need
to find somewhere else to work.
211
00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:41,680
Yeah, maybe.
212
00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:46,080
Nigel doesn't have
to be a bank manager, you know.
213
00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:48,160
Thank you.
214
00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:51,240
God, that's the most generous
thing you've ever said to me.
16430
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