All language subtitles for Married With Children - 0815 - Honey, I Blew Up Myself

Okay, Enid, work with me here.
Pull it in.

Pull in your talons.
We're almost there.

See? I told you I was a four.

No. "Fore" is what you'll have to yell
when the shoe pops off your foot.

Now...

...are we finished here?

Well, I'm not sure
I like this shade of blue.

I'll tell you what I'll do then:

We'll stand you in front of a mirror,
I'll begin strangling you.

When you reach the shade of blue
that is satisfactory to you...

...you yell, "Moo" and I'll stop.

That's it.
I'm taking my business elsewhere.

May I suggest Jenny Craig?

So how much do you figure
you owe this store in commissions?

I'm not selling shoes
for the money, Aaron.

I'm in it to torture fat women.

- Where have you been?
- To buy you a birthday present. Here.

It's Hot Dog... The Movie.

I'd prefer hot dog, the hot dog.

- That's due back at 10 a.m. tomorrow.
- Yeah, I know how it feels.

At least you didn't sing
"Happy Birthday" to me. I hate that.

Nothing to do but stand like
an idiot till the damn thing's finished.

I hope I get through the day
without someone singing it.

- Hey, Aaron.
- Hey, Mr. D'Arcy.

Anyway, Marcie and I just wanted
to wish you many happy returns.

Actually, Marcie wanted to wish...

...that you get caught downwind
from your own feet and die...

...but I wanted to wish you
many happy returns.

Well, thanks, Jefferson.
Oh, and if you see the wife, floor it.

Here you are, buddy.
Happy birthday.

- What's this?
- It's a car-wash coupon.

Thanks, but you know they won't let me
go through the car wash in the Dodge.

Not a regular wash, Al.

This is a topless car wash.

"Soapy Headlights:

Where only the cars wear bras."

And it's conveniently located
just 70 miles out of town...

...at the end of a long dirt road.

But I don't understand.

Both of you are married. Can't you
just look at your wives topless?

- Have you seen his wife?
- Have you seen his wife?

Let me explain. When you've been
married as long as I have...

...you do not want
to see your wife topless.

Speechless, maybe.
Headless, naturally.

But never, ever topless.

Come on, Al.
Marcie's car could use a good buffing.

As could I.
Come on, let's go now.

I can't. I promised I'd go home
for my birthday party.

That's where the kids are gonna
give me God-awful presents.

Sometimes I think that there actually
might be a store out there...

...with presents just for me
that's named "God-awful."

The topper is, Peg's probably gonna
make me a cake as only she can.

Cake looks good this year.
What kind is it?

Well, it's either chocolate
or Uncle Ben's Minute Rice.

- Now, do we have any candles?
- Nope.

Dad said no candles this year,
because of last year's little mishap.

Hey, I just thought that Roman candles
meant that they were imported.

You know, from Romani.

It's amazing.
Dad's looks and Buck's brains.

At least I've never tried
to date one of my plastic toys.

What did you get Dad
this year, Mom?

Well, I was in the mall
and there it was.

There's this new photography studio
called "Sex You Up"...

...and they specialize
in boudoir photos.

You know, where they, like, lay you
on a bed and dress you up real sexy.

Oh, you mean like the picture
on Kelly's driver's license?

That may be, but I've never gotten
a ticket, now, have I?

Gee, I hope I did the right thing.

He said what he really wanted
was an oil filter.

But what's he gonna do
with a silly thing like an oil filter?

Daddy's home.

Is it him?

I can't tell. It's either Daddy
or there's a new pope.

Shut up!

Well, let's get this charade over with.
Where's my cardboard cake?

It's over on the table, Dad.

Anybody wanna light the dog?
I'll make a wish.

Well, wait, Daddy,
you gotta open your presents first.

"God-awful." I knew it!

I really think
you're gonna love this, Daddy.

Happy birthday, Dad.

Two of something I don't want.

That's the second time
that's happened.

Well, we can exchange them
for you, Dad.

Okay, but I don't know
what good it's gonna do.

Excuse us.

We can't be related.

So, what did you get me this year, Peg?
My usual get-out-of-sex-free card?

No, honey.

This year I got you
something really special.

Now, I'm a little nervous about this.

Happy birthday, Al.

Oh, Peg!

- You like it?
- I love it.

Who is she?

It's me.

Now, come on, honey.

Tell me what you really think.

Well, I think you look--

--nice.

Oh, Al.

Oh, now, Peg,
please don't touch me on my birthday.

I want you to take this to work
with you and hang it up...

...so I can be with you all day long.

That kind of defeats the purpose
of going to work, doesn't it?

No more than your paycheque does.

Oh, I'm just kidding,
you big birthday lug, you.

Now, I'm gonna put this right here so
you can remember to take it with you.

I'm not taking it!

It's my birthday.
I'm putting my foot down.

So, what's wrong with it?

I think she looks...

...nice.

It's not the point.

You know why women want men
to hang their pictures?

- So we appreciate--
- No!

It's to mark their territory.

Are you sure you don't want
that picture up there...

...so other guys
can't see how good she looks?

Oh, yeah, that's it.

You see, Aaron, I've been married
to Peg for over 20 years.

I've seen her from the front
I've seen her from the back

I've seen her in a chair
I've seen her in a sack

I've seen her stand,
I've seen her crouch

I've seen her on our stupid couch

I do not like her in the mall
I do not like her in the hall

I do not like her in my life
I do not like my big red wife

You're single. You don't understand.

Married men
are never jealous of their wives.

That picture could be all over town.
Wouldn't mean a hill of beans to me.

They could put it
on the side of a milk carton.

They could put it
on the side of the Sears Tower.

They could even put it
on the side of--

Great Caesar's ghost!

I'd do her.

Oh, you're a guy with high standards.
You'd do Marcie.

Jefferson, I gotta get them
to get that sign down.

- How come?
- He's jealous.

I'm not jealous. I respect other
men's rights not to turn to stone...

...in front of my store, that's all.

Jefferson, I want--
Will you stop leering at my wife!

I'm sorry.

You're good at talking to people.

You talked Marcie into believing
you married her for her looks.

Go to that photographer
and get him to take that sign down.

Maybe I can get him
to replace it with this:

A picture I took of the girls
at the topless car wash.

- Where's your car?
- Oh, I took the bus over there.

As long as I went... as I went
through it...

...they didn't know the difference.

- Get out.
- Okay.

It's very important that sign
come down before Peg sees it.

I want you to go outside and look
for her and yell when you see her.

No, not her picture!
Not her picture! Her!

Hi, Al. Did you see it?

Yes, Peg, I saw it.
Ray Charles would see it.

But why is it up there?

The photographer asked
to use one of my shots...

...to advertise his business.

I just didn't think
he was gonna make it that--

Shamu-lian?

Well, I was gonna say "gorgeous."

Kids, what do you think?

Well, I think you look...

...nice.

You could see her from space.

You would know.

Dad, we'd love to hang around
and share your proudest moment...

...but anything just came up
and we gotta go.

Oh, wait. But before we do...

...we want to apologize
for yesterday's birthday boo-boo.

It's all fixed now. Here you go.

Kids, come here. Come here.

Get out.

- Bye, Dad.
- Happy birthday.

Now, Peg, I haven't asked for much
and God knows I've gotten it.

But I think the picture ought to
come down. Now, I like it myself...

...but some people
have been complaining about it.

Excuse me, miss.

Hope I'm not too forward...

...but you are truly one of the most
beautiful women I have ever seen.

And now that I see you in person,
that photograph doesn't do you justice.

It's been a pleasure
to bask in your presence.

Good day.

See, Peg, I told you
that people were complaining.

You know what I think, Al?

I think you're jealous.

Jealous, Peg?
I'll tell you what I'm jealous of.

I'm jealous of any man who can come
home to a cold beer and a warm meal...

...and a wife somewhat smaller...

...than the Bullwinkle balloon
in the Macy's Day Parade.

But if you think for one second
that I'm jealous of that picture...

...you're out of your 9-foot mind!

Boy, I'd love to put the top down
and test-drive that for a weekend.

Yeah, nice little air bags too.

Excuse me, Peg.

With this jealousy garbage out
of the way, that picture comes down.

Aaron, get a blowtorch.

Only if you'll admit
that you're jealous.

I'm not jealous!

Fine. Then you won't mind if it stays.

If it doesn't bother you,
it doesn't bother me...

...other than the low-grade nausea.

All right then. I'll be seeing you.

And you'll certainly be seeing me.

Why can't you
ever say nice things like that?

Why don't you just tell your wife
you're jealous and get it over with?

Aaron, let me explain
something to you.

You don't know anything.

Even if a man is jealous,
he can never, ever tell that to a woman.

Well, that's like saying, "Here's
a hand grenade. Put it down my pants."

Once they know you're jealous,
they've got you by your Bobbitt.

You will have lost
your last ounce of dignity.

And like the once mighty
mahi-mahi...

...you will end up on a pupu platter
in the tiki hut of life.

Any questions?

- Do you want to lay down for a while?
- No!

I don't have time to lie down.
Gotta get that picture down.

I know Jefferson can do it.
He can con anybody.

Hey, Al, guess what.

The "Sex You Up" photographer...

...said I've got the best cheekbones
this side of Rob and Fab of Milli Vanilli.

He's giving me a thousand headshots
for half price...

...and I'm not giving
any of them away.

I know now what I have to do:

Truly go where no man
has gone before.

Fellow Fangsters.

I come before you this evening
not as a man...

...but as a friend who understands
the plight of today's feminist.

True, we have had our differences
in the past...

...but I have seen the light...

...and luckily,
there's not too much in here.

But to prove to you
that I have changed...

...I would like to extend
an olive branch of peace.

A symbol of truce.

You ladies would recognize them
as mustache combs.

Everyone gets one.
Everyone gets one.

Anyway, ladies.

We prefer
to be called "Gyno-Americans."

Then "Rhino-Americans" it is.

Anyway, a grave injustice...

...has been going on
down at the New Market Mall.

A real woman's body
is being exploited...

...by men for profit.

Hang on to your flannel panties...

...there's still time to act.

I want every "gynoceros"
in this room...

...to charge down
to the New Market Mall...

...and stop this dastardly deed.

Show them, as only you can...

...that a woman's body
is not to be appreciated...

...but to be feared, reviled.

And in the case of most of you,
kept totally covered at all times.

Hurry, my sisters, down to the mall,
but remember...

...not more than three
in the elevator at one time.

What our hunting-and-gathering friend
here is trying to say...

...is that we have
important work to do.

We must strike a blow...

...for all women.

This cannot be a slap...

...on the wrist.

It must be a punch...

...in the labonza to all oppressors.

And thank you for bringing this
to our attention, Al.

You're welcome.

Skin him.

And in other news...

...crazed feminists charged
the New Market Mall...

...and pulled down an oversized
boudoir photo they deemed sexist...

...after storming
into a photographer's studio...

...where local man Jefferson D'Arcy...

...was allegedly
posing nude on a bearskin rug.

Mr. D'Arcy was dragged
by an unnamed body part...

...and flung into the mall fountain
by the howling women.

Women. Can't live with them,
can't herd them all into Canada.

Al, did you have anything to do with
those women taking down my picture?

Peg, on your mother's life, no.

If it's anything I hate,
it's women's bodies being exploited.

It has to stop for all our sakes.

How very liberated of you.

- Where you going?
- To get the car washed.

Dad.

Happy birthday.

Let me guess.

Pants.

Look like these?

Mine kind of do.

I told you he had pants.

- You didn't tell me he had grey ones.
- Yes. I've seen him wear pants before.