All language subtitles for Curb Your Enthusiasm s01e00 Pilot.eng

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Gοοd mοrning, ΗΒΟ.

Ι'ΙΙ see if he's in.

Ηi, can Ι heΙp yοu?

Hi, Jeff Greene and Larry David
to see Alan Wasserman.

- I'll let him know you're here.
- Thank you.

Larry David and Jeff Greene
are here for Alan.

For the most part, I mean, the industry knew
there was a Larry David behind Seinfeld.

But the average guy on the street
didn't know that...

the funny stuff coming out of our mouths
were coming out of Larry David.

He's a comedian.

He's taken that talent
and turned it into writing.

He did start his career
as a stand-up comedian.

His standard opening was always:

"I'll tell you something
about good-looking people.

"We're not well-liked."

And then he would always call the audience
"you people."

I used to say to him, "You know...

"calling them 'you people'...

"it's a bit distancing.

"It's kind of like
you're already putting them...

"in an adversarial position."

Not often, but from time to time,
Larry would actually get up on stage...

grab the microphone, do a very slow 180...

Iooking at the audience from left to right...

surveying them.

Take the microphone,
put it back in the stand and go:

"Never mind," and would walk off stage.

The audience never knew what hit them.

He was a phenomenon.

He just couldn't get over the hump
that comedians...

have to perform in front of other people.

Larry's take was always so different,
and definitely not mainstream.

He kind of took that attitude,
and put it into a sitcom.

And I think it made the show revolutionary.

There was an episode pretty early on...

George was doing something and I said:

"You gotta help me,
this is a rewrite situation. "

Because this would never happen
in real life.

But certainly, if it did happen in real life,
no one would react like this.

And Larry said:

"This happened to me,
and this is exactly what I did. "

"Okay."

That was the turning point for me...

and from that point on, I geared myself up...

for doing as shameless
a Larry David imitation as I could muster.

He was stuck with success.

For the first time in his life he was stuck.

It was a hit and it was like...

he always acted like
it was a major imposition on him...

when the show got picked up
for a second season.

I think once he saw that Seinfeld
would be successful...

he felt like the most fulfilling thing
he could do next...

would be to return to stand-up,
and complete that unfinished business.

When he started talking to me about
setting up gigs for him around town...

I said, "Are you thinking about doing
an HBO Special?"

He goes, "I think it's a little too soon."

I said, "It's not a little too soon,
because I've got this great idea."

What is it?

It's gonna be on us all the time?
It's a little intrusive.

Most of the time, yeah.

How can I have a conversation
with this thing watching?

That's the point.
They watch us have a conversation.

Forget that it's here.

- Piece of gum?
- No.

- Why not?
- I don't like gum.

What's not to like?

I don't know. I've never been a big gum guy.

- This is good stuff.
- That's real good. Yeah.

I'm glad it's getting all this.
You get that gum story we just did?

That was really good.

Let me tell you something. You'll be fine.

- Gentlemen, they're ready for you.
- Thank you.

I wish I wore a different shirt.

Brown and green don't usually match,
but you got the yellow to offset it.

What do you think of this shirt?

- You look great.
- Really?

We have to walk around with a camera crew.

I have a tendency to nod to black people.

Why? What reason would you have to...

I don't know. I just find that I nod to them.

More so than... I never nod to white people.

I've never heard of
"white liberal nodding guilt."

Yeah, it's a way of kind of making contact.

You know, like,
"I'm okay. I'm not one of the bad ones."

Money, there he is!

So good to be here.

- So, talk to me.
- All right.

First off, I want to thank you
for allowing us to bring the cameras in.

- We're not self-conscious at all about...
- I feel just like I always do.

He's crazy about it, too.

Let me explain.

Larry hasn't done stand-up in
nine and a half years, if you can believe it.

What we want to do is have
Larry perform again...

and have it lead up to an HBO Special.

It being two parts.
The first part would be a documentary...

of everything that Larry has to do
to prepare for the special:

The sets at the clubs,
time alone with his family...

walking down the street, whatever it is,
we're gonna see how he prepares for it...

leading up to the special,
and then the actual special...

which will be him doing
straight ahead stand-up.

Stinks, right? Seriously.
So far it stinks, right?

- Where do you want to do this specifically?
- New York and Los Angeles.

We'll probably film the special
in Los Angeles.

And is it... This is straight stand-up?

Because you know, on our specials,
we're not limited to just that.

Like, if you wanted to do some sketches
or any kind of, you know...

- Cameos, guests, people with you.
- Skits that beforehand you might want to...

You have some great stories
from the last nine years.

I have a lot of stories about my childhood
in Oklahoma.

Very homespun.

I think they'll go over.
And I wear a cowboy hat.

Larry, do you have any...

Did you do any of the comedy shows,
like MTV 1/2 Hour Comedy Hour?

Any tape that we could take a look at?

There's not even any home movies
or anything.

- Is there any film of you doing...
- There's no film on me at all.

In fact, I'm gonna kill this guy...

as soon as I get out of this meeting.

- You didn't nod at her.
- I tried to, but she went by too fast.

That's gonna be a tough habit to break.

That was good. I'm real happy with that.

- How are you?
- Good, how are you, Jeff?

That's right. Good to see you.

Jeff Yerkes. Jeff Greene, my manager.

- How are you?
- Jeff was the writer's assistant on Seinfeld.

- Good, how about that?
- It's a great gig.

I actually, you know, it's funny,
I was gonna give you a call.

I need a bit of a favor, if you don't mind.

- It's not a big one.
- Good.

So, here it is, right.

I have the possibility of a job
at Warner Brothers...

doing development over there,
and I kind of want to get out of here.

I was wondering if you could give
Michael Wengrad a phone call...

kind of boost me up a little bit,
tell him that I'm a good employee...

- That's something you'd do.
- That I would be more than happy to do.

That would be really great,
I mean, coming from you.

- Somebody of your stature and everything.
- I have no stature, I have no stature.

- No stature, please.
- That would put me over the top.

- Really?
- Yeah, absolutely.

I'd be more than happy to do it.
I'm happy to do it.

- You'll get out of this hellhole that's HBO.
- Tell me about it.

- Good, nice meeting you, Jeff.
- Nice meeting you, Jeff.

Thank you so much.
Seriously, this means a lot. It does.

- Take care.
- So long.

Take care.

That's nice, you'll call for him.

Ten seconds earlier,
I could have gotten in that elevator.

It is both shocking
and absolutely sensible...

for Larry to go back into stand-up.

It's shocking in that...

I didn't think he liked it very much.

I don't think you're really aware
of how bad the clubs have become.

- When's the last time you went on stage?
- Ten years ago.

They scream, they yell shit out.
They heckle you constantly.

You know how many times I've heard
"Show me your tits"?

- You've heard that?
- I heard that a million times, me.

I hear that all the time. You don't believe us.

You haven't been out there.
Mike and I are still on the road.

You know how stupid these people are?
I have two words for you: Dick jokes.

- Plenty of dick jokes.
- I have plenty of dick jokes.

- You have plenty of dick jokes?
- I started the dick-joke thing.

I did so.

Don't you remember that
"I hate my penis" routine I used to do?

- The masturbator.
- I'll give you the masturbator.

Hi. Just wanted to say hi.

- Hi.
- Hi, how are you?

Carolyn, you know Suzy, Mike.

It's Caroline. Doesn't matter.
Have a nice meal. Bye.

You know, when people
make a fuss about their name...

doesn't that piss you off?

- Carolyn, Caroline.
- You know what? She's on a show now.

What's gonna be your name?
Just Larry David?

I'm Larry. I'm gonna tell her I'm Larry.

- Can you take those sunglasses off?
- I'm not taking them off. Get off of it.

You've been telling me this since...
Why can't I wear sunglasses inside?

Only blind people and assholes
wear sunglasses inside.

- Fine, I'm an asshole, all right, you happy?
- He's changed.

He doesn't take criticism well.
He doesn't suffer fools gladly.

Doesn't take criticism well.

I think once he believes in
what he's doing...

he cannot be deterred.

So any external criticism is useless to him.

Hi, I'm calling for Michael Wengrad.

Larry David.

I really resent that. That "Who's calling?"

You know, like some people
are good enough to make the cut.

Yeah, hi.

My name is Larry David.

I used to be the executive producer
on the Seinfeld show.

I don't really know what to say to that.

Anyway I'm calling on behalf
of Jeff Yerkes...

who's applying
for a position in Development.

No, he worked for me for a couple of years.

I gotta say, that's a very weird thing
that you said to me.

"Never watch it, not a fan."

That's, well... Yeah, of course.

I just think it's a stupid thing
to say to somebody.

What reason would you have to say that?

I don't know, I'm just calling up
to put in a word for this guy...

and I hear this, "Never watched, not a fan."

I don't want to get...

All I'm saying is, it's a dumb thing to say.

Fine. Thank you.

Thank you very much. Goodbye.

Yes. Goodbye!

Did you hang up on him?

We sort of hung up on each other.

- And so, what happened with the kid?
- I don't know what's gonna happen.

I don't know.

I tried to call back,
but they wouldn't take the call.

But how did you ask for him?

Had you changed your attitude by then,
when you called back...

or were you like, "It's Larry David"?

- You're blaming this on me.
- I'm just curious.

He insulted me,
you should be defending me.

You know what?

- That wasn't nice of him to say that, but...
- Yes, I know.

But here's this guy trying to get a job.

What have you done?

What have I done? I haven't done anything.

I was insulted, don't you see that?

But, I mean, are you gonna write him
a letter now or something?

Write him a letter.

- "Dear prick."
- Okay.

That's not gonna help.

"I'm sorry you're a prick."

You know what?

"I didn't know you were a prick
when I called.

"But it really turned out that you were.

"In any event, could you please
give this young man a job?"

- What?
- He asked the wrong person.

I don't know...

People used to like me,
and all of a sudden...

I don't know how it's evolved like this...

but I used to have friends
who really liked me.

Not women, but friends.

- Guys liked you?
- Yeah, guys liked me.

Now they don't?

I don't know.

I'm beginning to sense
a whole wave of antipathy.

A big wave of antipathy.

And now, there'll be millions
of other people joining in on that wave.

You invited this whole thing in.

- This was your whole idea.
- It wasn't my idea, it was Jeff's idea.

Hello!

Any manager has the problem of dealing
with their client's spouse...

because the spouse always thinks...

that they're making the better decision
than the manager.

Some people just rub you the wrong way.

And...

that's how I feel about Jeff.

I just feel like...

I'm not sure he's always
thinking about Larry.

You're kidding me.

Does my wife know?

Yeah.

So, did she know that?

Gosh.

- Just tell my wife, she'll stay.
- Excuse me.

I'll talk to you later. Bye-bye.

Let me ask you something.
You know I'm in the room.

Why didn't you pick your head up,
just to say, "One second"?

I give him my attention
when I'm on the phone...

- I give you attention when you're in here.
- I know.

All you have to do is just go, "One second."

When I'm on the phone,
if I'm going like this...

and somebody comes in,
I go, "One second."

Then I can go back to looking down.

If I say, "One second," they, on the other
end, know the attention is not on them.

You don't have to say, "One second."
You just, like that.

I'm sorry.

Caroline Rhea called.
I talk to her every morning.

- She said you saw her.
- Yes.

And, first off, you called her Carolyn.

- My God.
- Why would you call her Carolyn?

- Carolyn, Caroline, is there a big deal?
- You gotta start paying attention to details...

with peoples names, they get hurt.

The other thing is,
you didn't say goodbye to her.

I didn't say goodbye to her?
She came over to the table.

She was upset, I talked to her.
She says, "He didn't say goodbye."

She came over to the table, okay?

She came over, was uncomfortable,
she corrected me on the "Caroline."

We talked a little bit,
then she went to her table.

Am I obligated to go to her table
to say goodbye?

I've already said hello!

Why do I have to say
both hello and goodbye?

- Couldn't you just give her a call?
- I'm not gonna call...

All I do is apologize.
All day long, I'm apologizing.

It'd be a big favor to me if you did.

It's very hard to do the right thing
all the time, 24 hours a day.

People are so touchy about
all these little, stupid things that go on.

It doesn't even pay to leave your house.
What's the point?

I don't really see Larry in the past...

as being someone secure.

It'll be interesting to see
how he gets up on stage now.

Do you know precisely
what your act will be tonight?

How much of it is improvised?

Do you know exactly
what your set is going to be?

I have an idea, but...

I don't really know the material at all.

- Will that be a hindrance?
- I don't think it's gonna be a help.

Larry, we need to go.

- We need to go.
- You're all revved up, aren't you?

- You're going to be late.
- All right.

All right. You'll be laughing there, right?

Yeah. I don't want to walk out without you.

- All right.
- Why are you still brushing?

He was interviewing me,
and I had a very long brush.

This next performer is returning
to stand-up comedy after a 10-year absence.

Please welcome Larry David.

Thank you.

I think I'm gonna do
very well tonight, I really do.

I'm feeling just unbelievably confident.

Well?

That was a bad start. It was a bad start.

A really stupid start,
I don't know why I did that.

You'll see.

You seem like a very nice audience.
I'm wondering...

in case I break into
some Spanish or French...

may I use the familiar
tu form with you people?

Instead of usted? I think usted is
going to be a little too formal...

for this crowd.

I feel already I've established
the kind of rapport...

that I can jump into the tu form with you.

I'm taking a tu liberty with you.
I'm gonna use the tu form.

And that's it, you can't talk me out of it.

You know, Caesar used the tu form
with Brutus even after Brutus stabbed him.

He said, " Et tu, Brute?"

I think that's a little too informal
when someone's trying to assassinate you.

I think at that point perhaps usted...
He would have been better off.

But that's Caesar.

That's crazy, wacky, mixed-up Julius Caesar.

He has tremendous conviction about
what he thinks is funny.

And at the same time,
he'll just crush like an egg.

Like an empty shell.

Honey!

- That was great!
- Really, you think so?

Yes!

- Did you like it?
- Yeah.

- How do you feel?
- You know, I feel okay.

There were a few things that didn't work.

- You know.
- Yeah, I know.

- I mean...
- I know what didn't work, you don't...

I wrote some stuff down in case...

You know, in case
we want to go back through it.

- You said "pussy" a lot.
- I didn't say it a lot.

I said it when it was appropriate
for the material.

But it was still a lot.

Didn't add to, didn't make it funnier.
I just felt like...

That was great. That was unbelievable.

Man, wasn't he great?

- She thinks I said "pussy" too much.
- No, you can say it more.

- No, "pussy" is great.
- You can't say "pussy" enough.

- "Pussy" is a good comedy word.
- Okay, great.

I'm gonna wait inside.

- It's good to see you again.
- Yeah, see you soon.

Just give me five minutes and then we'll go.

I'll talk about your act in a second.
She doesn't like me.

Don't say that.

You know, I was stupid to even agree
on the "pussy" thing.

- Great set, Larry.
- Thank you.

- She likes you.
- But...

Talk about you. Great set.

It was a great set.

Larry, I'm Caroline Rhea. Have we met?

Why did you make
such a big deal about your name?

- What's the difference?
- It's my name.

It's how I respond.
People say it and I turn around.

- What's the difference? Lynne, Line...
- Larry, Dave, whatever.

I don't care if you call me Leary or Larry,
doesn't matter.

All right, it's no big deal, it's fine.

I do apologize for not coming over
to say goodbye...

even though the hello was really good.

It wasn't that good.
It wasn't such a good hello.

I gave you a nice hello and I just forgot...

- I forgot to say goodbye.
- You know what?

You were really great tonight,
but I would try and use "pussy" more.

- I think the kids really liked it.
- Don't go, don't be mad.

Don't leave and not say goodbye?
I would never do something like that.

- Goodbye, Lori.
- Carolyn!

Caroline?

Ed, I'll see you tomorrow.

- I thought I was gonna see you tonight.
- Tonight?

I'm gonna see you later.

- The thing.
- What thing?

Mark's father.

He's dead, he passed away.

The thing, the condolence thing.

- You're going tonight?
- Of course I'm going.

I told him, you know, I'll be there.

- You come with me.
- I can't be around mourners.

I feel like they're gonna lash out at me...

tell me what they think of me.

They'll take this as an opportunity
to tell me what they think of me.

Look, this is... You know Mark.

Even though you don't know him well,
you'll come with me for 10 minutes.

It's not gonna hurt anything.

Why are you going?
Why did you tell him you were going?

It's not even his father, it's his stepfather.

His father is still alive. I mean, this is a step.

I already dug a ditch for myself, though.
How can I get out of it?

See, if you go, then it makes me
look terrible that I'm not there.

- You're not going, right?
- All right, okay.

If somebody in my family died,
would I want people I know...

to waste their time coming to my house...

sitting around eating M&Ms for three hours?

What's the point?

Seems like a pretty good audience in there.

Good, you'll be great.

I wrote that guy a letter today.

Remember that guy Wengrad?

The guy from Warner Brothers,
who I had the fight with on the phone?

- You're apologizing to him?
- You want to hear it?

"Dear Mr. Wengrad...

"I called you to put in a good word
for Jeff Yerkes...

"a bright and talented young man...

"who would be a great asset
to your company.

"I hope any contentiousness
that arose between us...

"would not jeopardize any chance
he had of being hired.

"I'm sorry if I caused you any distress,
though it obviously wasn't all my fault.

"I hope, if there is any need for us
to communicate again...

"it will be in better humor."

It wasn't all his fault.

- It wasn't all your fault.
- Obviously, it wasn't all my fault.

I'm not gonna say it's all my fault.
He's gotta take some responsibility for it.

I would rewrite that if I were you.

- Am I bothering you guys?
- Hey, Al!

Good to see you.

- How's it going, Jeff?
- Good.

I saw your old house today in the Valley.

- You're kidding.
- I've been looking at houses in the Valley.

This realtor goes,
"Larry David used to live here."

- I go, "I know Larry."
- You like the house?

We liked it and we're thinking of
putting a bid on it.

- Get out of here!
- That's a great house.

- Really, you liked it?
- How long has it been on the market?

It's been on the market for about a year.

I'm excited. We looked at
about 20, 30 houses in the Valley.

Why do you want to move to the Valley?

We needed a little more room and...

Larry, you're up.

It gets hot there, but...

- Good luck, man.
- Thanks.

It must have been very stressful...

to have grown up living next door
to Jonas Salk's mother, I would imagine.

You got this woman,
and every day the same thing.

"Estelle, did I happen to mention...

"that my son, Jonas...

"who your little Stevie never let play
in the games...

"or stuck him in right field...

"who never went out with the girls
and wasn't athletic...

"Did I happen to mention...

"that he discovered the cure for polio?

"My little Jonas!

"Polio! He's mine, I love him!

"My Jonas!"

I've been trying to sell that house for
two years. You're lucky I didn't tell my wife.

Good morning!

All right, let's get started.

Julie has been scouting some venues...

and I think we found one
you're gonna be happy with.

Looked at a bunch of venues...

and I think the best one for you
is gonna be the Pasadena Civic Auditorium.

- You familiar with this venue?
- It's beautiful.

It is a great, great house.

Holds about 3,000 seats.
It's warm, it's elegant.

It's exactly, I think, what you're looking for.

It's very warm feeling.

- It's intimate, believe it or not.
- It really is.

It's really not as big as it looks.

- This is huge.
- It's not that big.

Look at the size of this.

It's okay, it's available when we need it.
Ample parking.

How you gonna fill it up?

Any audience seats that are not filled,
it's very simple.

- We pay for the house.
- What does that mean, pay for the house?

You bring in groups of people like Marines
and convalescent homes.

You bring in Marines?

They're paid audiences.

- $10 a head.
- You pay them to laugh?

- Yeah.
- We've done this many times.

- The show is fixed?
- It's not fixed.

We did this with Eddie Griffin.
It was very successful.

The only thing I recommend is
you don't use seniors.

No offense to seniors,
but they tend to talk out loud during...

Sometimes they'll ask you,
"What did he say?"

It's all innocent, but it's very distracting.

Let's take a look at the models.

I don't know if you overheard...

- but I had this idea.
- Who are you, what are you doing?

I'm Suzy, I'm the production designer.

- Right, Suzy, I'm sorry, I apologize.
- I just want to show you the model.

It's something I'm really excited about.

Take a look at this.
This should look familiar.

It'll open up on the Seinfeld set.

As you can see, this stage rotates.

So, it'll open up on the Seinfeld set...

and then it'll rotate to reveal Larry...

the man behind the scenes.

- The man behind Seinfeld.
- Isn't that great?

Seeing that revolve, too, is great.

There you go. The man behind Seinfeld.

- Fun, isn't that fun?
- Really excited about it.

- I know you put a lot of work into this.
- Yeah.

And the idea, the concept, is very clever.

- Thank you.
- It looks good and all that...

but I just don't think it's right. I'm sorry.

- There's no way, it's impossible.
- Yeah.

Okay.

We've already designed
a whole program around that idea.

No, it's okay.

We want to make this...
We want to make Larry happy.

I did bring another one,
because I know you want something simple.

Just really simple.

And there you go.

- Fun.
- This is a good one.

- Simple, curtain, plain.
- Who is that?

That's Larry.

If you can picture yourself right here...

If you have a Smith and Wesson on you,
just put it to my head and pull the trigger.

'Cause if I look anything like that...

I really don't want to be living
on the planet anymore.

This actually comes off.

Yeah, okay, that's okay. That's fine.

You know, there's not a lot to this.

This makes my job real easy.

We'll go with that then?
That suits you, great.

- That's nice.
- Very good.

Perfect.

Are you concerned about how well this...

situation with HBO is going to go?

I'm not really too concerned about HBO.

I am concerned
about that auditorium, though.

It's clear that I wouldn't have done this
without Jeff pushing me to do it.

Sometimes I curse him, on my way home
or something, that I'm actually doing it.

And, you know, my wife,
to tell you the truth...

really can't stand him.

She wants me to leave him.

Of course, I'm sure
he wants me to leave her.

The one thing about Hitler that I admire...

is that he wouldn't take any shit
from magicians, you know?

Hitler was a big, big fan of magic...

and Hitler would go to a magic club.

He'd watch the show.

Afterwards, he'd go backstage
to talk to the magician.

He'd go, "It vas a vonderful show."

"I vas just vondering...

"I vas talking to my friend.
Vhere's the rabbit?"

"I'm sorry, mein Führer...

"I'm glad you enjoyed it,
but we're really not allowed...

"to tell about the secrets.

"They're tricks, we're not allowed."

"Yes, I understand you're not allowed to tell.

"But just tell me, where's the rabbit?"

"Mein Führer, it's a union thing. We just..."

"Where is the rabbit?

"You vill tell me where the rabbit is now!"

- How much is it?
- 65 cents.

Thank you.

These clubs you're playing in New York,
is this where you played 10 years ago?

Yeah, one club is like a...

Mark!

- Hey, Larry.
- How you doing?

- I'm so sorry to hear about your stepfather.
- Thanks, I just got back from Detroit.

No kidding, I'm so sorry 'cause
I wanted to go to the wake that night...

and had to go to my daughter's school.

They had this pizza night,
and the kids came in pajamas.

I told my wife that I wanted
to go to the wake and...

You know...

I'm happy to hear that
at least you were thinking about him.

Everything okay? Funeral was all right?

You know, it is what it is.

It's death, you know? It's part of life, right?

Yeah.

- It is, I guess.
- We're lucky to be alive.

Yeah, we are.

Got to, you know...

Shit, can I call you next week?
Because I got to catch a plane here.

Sure, Larry, give me a call.

That's fine.

Did you get the flowers?

No.

- You didn't get the flowers?
- No, I didn't get anything.

- Didn't get a phone call or a card.
- My wife was supposed to send the flowers.

- I told her to. You didn't get them?
- She didn't do it.

I am so pissed off at her.

I was pretty pissed about that, too.

The least you could've done
was called me or something.

- I thought we were friends.
- I can't believe that.

- Ed came.
- Ed came?

He was there, he brought flowers himself.
He delivered them himself.

I mean, it's just a courtesy.
You could've at least called, Larry.

Want a piece of gum?

No, Larry, I don't want a piece of gum.

What do you think this costs?

If you want to do a science experiment...

that people are what they are
despite their environment...

this is the guy.

Everything in his environment,
in his context of his life, has been changed.

Everything.

And he is absolutely the same.

This guy proves you are what you are.

Thank you so much, that's very nice of you.

Hi, I'm Patrick O'Hara...

- HBO Media Relations.
- Nice to meet you.

- How you doing?
- Should we go?

How was the flight?

- Pretty good.
- Good.

Couple of celebrities on board.

Really, who?

- Ellen Barkin.
- Sexy?

- Great body.
- She's hot.

And what's her name,
from Saturday Night Live?

Molly Shannon.

Did she fuck any stewards to death?

What?

I said, did she fuck anybody...

and kill them on the plane in first class?

- What are you talking about?
- The Molly Shannon thing.

What Molly Shannon?

Come on.

You don't know this?

Okay, Molly Shannon
fucked two guys to death.

She was engaged to both of them.
I'm serious, she fucked two guys to death.

One was this guy,
like this 50-year-old guy, first year on SNL...

some business manager
that she was engaged to.

They had sex. His heart, like, exploded.

She fucked him to death and just got over it.

And she was going out
with one of the sound guys.

They fucked, and he died, too.

- Are you serious?
- I couldn't be more serious.

I know Molly Shannon. I've never heard this.

I love Molly Shannon.

My wife is a friend of hers.
Where did you get that from?

- She's the best.
- How do you know this?

My lover Paul is friends with Brian,
who's the costumer over at SNL.

You know what they say
about Irish Catholic girls?

I would know, 'cause I am one.

You shouldn't really...
You know, there's a driver here.

You shouldn't talk about that to anyone.
That's a crazy thing to talk about.

Okay.

My closest brush with death
was when I masturbated...

with a 104-degree temperature.

I had the flu, I was sweating...

I was under the covers, I was shivering.

The sweat was coming down,
and I couldn't even raise my arm, hardly.

All of a sudden, it started to drip down...

and I'm dying here,
and the next thing I know, boom.

And then, my God, I thought I was dead.

I saw the white light.

I started drifting toward the white light.

There's my uncle going,
"My God, you're disgusting.

"What the hell's the matter with you?"

- The posse thing worked very well tonight.
- It was great.

Hi, honey.

I was supposed to... Upstairs, I'm sorry.

I was waiting for you.

I was supposed to come up there.

I want to introduce Becky.
Becky, This is Larry.

- Nice to meet you, heard a lot about you.
- Really?

I'm so glad to see you.

I know...

- So, what do you want to do?
- I don't know.

- Want to go get something to eat?
- Yeah, maybe dancing?

That sounds like fun.

So, you feeling good
about what went on upstairs?

Yeah, not bad.

- Good.
- Let's go.

- Do you want to come?
- That's okay, thank you, I'm good.

- I'm going back to the hotel, thanks anyway.
- I'll talk to you later.

- Yeah.
- Good.

- Nice meeting you.
- Nice to meet you.

- Not gonna go out with Jeff tonight?
- Go out with Jeff, what are you, crazy?

- It's 1:00 in the morning, where am I going?
- I don't know.

I'm tired, I just got back.
I'm gonna go to sleep.

- All right, just curious.
- Yeah.

- See what you guys are doing out there.
- Believe me, we're not doing anything.

- We're not doing a thing.
- Okay.

There's nothing that we're doing
except working.

- Okay.
- I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Okay, bye.

I wouldn't have come if you'd told me
you were bringing her.

- You wouldn't have come with us?
- Why would I come with the two of you?

- We talked.
- I could've done something else.

You know.

Your wife doesn't know
anything about this?

I'll tell you more later.
I don't wanna, you know...

Guys.

So I got to go to MTV. What are you doing?

I don't know, I think I'll just
maybe take a walk in the park.

To the East Side?

That's where my tie shop is.
Go walking with him and pick up the ties.

All right, go for a nice walk.
I'll meet you later.

- I'll see you back at the hotel.
- Okay, bye.

Bye, I'll see you later.

What are you doing?

I'm walking over to the East Side
to pick up his ties.

- Okay.
- Let's go.

It's a really nice day out.

Do you like rollerblading?

Not really.

- Why? You do it?
- Yeah, this is a great park to do it in.

Yeah, I guess, I don't know.

It's awfully thin, isn't it, the wheels?

- It's good exercise.
- Larry?

Hi, it's Cindy.

- How you doing?
- Good, how are you?

- Good to see you.
- Nice to see you.

It is so funny,
I was just thinking of Cheryl this morning.

I was going through my jewelry box...

- This is a friend of mine, Becky.
- Hi, I'm Becky.

- Hi, Cindy, how're you doing?
- She's actually a friend of a friend.

We just had a cup of coffee before
with her friend.

Coffee's good. You know, whatever.

No, I mean, with her friend.
We had coffee with him and then he left.

- All right.
- So, that's, you know...

Okay.

- How's Art doing?
- He's great.

He's doing great.
We're doing really good together.

Good.

- All right, so...
- Tell Cheryl I said hi.

I'll tell her you said hi. Great.

Take care. See you later.

That's good that you're jogging.
That's great.

Okay.

Let's go this way.

She seemed nice.

- Who's Cheryl?
- My wife.

It's a great time for me to cheat on my wife...

because of that whole Clinton scandal.

She was such a staunch supporter
of the guy.

What is she gonna say?

I could do whatever I want, come on.

Did Clinton think
he was gonna get blow jobs from a Jew...

and get off scot-free?

What was he gonna do?

The guy, obviously,
was never with a Jew before.

He thinks he's gonna get blow jobs?

Blow jobs! From a Jewish woman!

That's gonna be the end of it,
no consequences?

What is he, crazy?

I'll ask you a question:

Who do you think has more freedom,
the married man in America...

or the single man in Communist China?

I've got to go for the single guy
in Communist China.

No contest, you know.

I mean, I'm a married guy in America.

I can leave the country,
but I can't leave my house.

They can leave the house
but not the country. I like that better.

I'm not going to Europe.
Where the hell am I going?

Are you there?

Pick up if you're there.

Hello!

No? Where are you?
How come you're not home?

All right. You didn't talk to your friend
Cindy today, did you?

You know, she's got a big mouth.

If she said anything,
which she probably shouldn't have...

I hope you didn't believe it.

If she said anything to you,
I mean, she's out of her mind.

I can't even imagine
what she could have said.

But come on, it's crazy.

You did tell her to shut up, right?

To mind her own business?
That I would never ever...

do anything like that?

Come on, she's 25 years old.

So, don't be pissed off.

Nothing happened, you know that.

All right? I love you.

I love you. My voice went up on that,
but, you know...

That doesn't mean anything.

It was just because
I have a little bit of a sore throat.

You know that I love you.

My voice shouldn't have gone up,
it was just a terrible coincidence.

Checking out, David, Larry David.

- The room number?
- 5201.

Just the final signature, please,
only for the incidentals.

$276?

Like five phone calls.

It's phone calls
and number of movies, right here.

- What'd you watch?
- Okay, fine.

- What are you doing? Give it to me.
- No, HBO pays for the porn.

HBO pays for porn. Patrick, come here.

HBO should pay for the porn.

The porn?

Actually, it shows that it's only room
and tax, plus the meals.

We handle the room and tax,
but I could make a call about the porn.

Don't call anybody, I'm paying for it.

Stop wasting. Why do you waste?

- I'll pay for it.
- You need to relax.

HBO is paying for the porn.

- It's for room and tax.
- What's that?

- What's your name?
- Losmir.

- Call someone about the porn.
- I can make a call right now about it.

- HBO will cover the porn.
- I don't care.

Why do you waste?

Crazy.

Mr. David, only your signature, please.

- Lf I were...
- Shut up!

So, you would like to settle it?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Thank you. I'll give you a final.

- Sorry about that.
- That's fine, don't worry about it.

- There you go, here's your receipt.
- That's fine.

Want me to make a call? I can make a call.

Don't make any calls, please.
Do me a favor, don't mention this.

I won't say a thing.

I think, if he had the opportunity,
he would kill people...

that, if he thought
he could get away with it...

I think he would put contracts out
on people that crossed him.

What the hell is going on, Larry?

I was with...

this guy I knew from college
and his girlfriend...

when we left the restaurant,
we were having breakfast...

when we left the restaurant...

I was left with her
because he went someplace.

I said I was gonna walk through the park.

And she tagged along with me.

This imbecile, okay?

And then we ran into Cindy,
who was jogging.

And I thought that Cindy...

thought I was doing something untoward,
you know?

Why would she think that?

Because I was with this blond woman
in the park.

- What were you doing with her?
- Just walking.

Wait a second. You don't believe that?

- No, it's...
- That's what happened.

You think I'd want to walk with this woman?

She was talking about ginseng
for an hour and a half!

I don't wanna talk to her.

What did you say to Cindy
when you ran into her?

Did you say, "Hi, this is...

"my college friend's girlfriend"?

No, I said this is somebody...

I said it was a friend of a friend.

A friend of a friend? That's the craziest...

I was a little thrown.

But you're not having an affair?

I swear on my children's lives
that I'm not having an affair.

Isn't that enough?

You swear on your children's life
that the girl you were with...

was your college roommate's girlfriend?

I swear that the girl I was with
was not my girlfriend...

that I just met her that morning,
had breakfast...

and walked in the park with her.

- So, she's not your girlfriend.
- No.

Then who is she?

She's this woman, you know.

Is she Jeff's?

No.

You swear on your children's life.

Larry.

You know, this whole business...

about swearing on my children's lives
is starting to make me very uncomfortable.

It's a good thing
they didn't have answering machines...

when they were trying
to form posses, you know?

'Cause everybody would be screening.

"Larry, this is Sheriff Robbins calling.

"We're getting a...

"We're getting a posse together...

"this afternoon, around 2:30.

"We're gonna meet by the old red barn.

"We'd sure appreciate...

"Appreciate it if you can make this posse.

"We're kind of short on guys.

"We only got about three or four guys.

"Shit, we could really use you.

"We're going to be going after the gang...

"and they're some tough motherfuckers.

"You better bring some warm clothes.

"It's gonna be cold out there.
It's colder than shit out there.

"We're gonna be gone
about six, seven days.

"So, stock up and...

"I got to tell you, they're tough.

"I sure hope you can make it.

"And...

"I hope to see you out there."

Two weeks later,
you run into the sheriff in town.

"Sheriff, my God!

"What happened?

"I got home at 3:00,
I just missed your message.

"How did the posse go, did it go okay?
Did you catch them?

"I never found out. What happened?

"I was so pissed off!

"I tried, I went over to the red barn,
nobody was there.

"They told me you just left. Shit!"

I can guarantee you this.

We haven't filmed the special yet,
the concert part of it.

But no matter how that goes,
I can guarantee from his experiences...

of being onstage again, that Larry David...

will never stop doing stand-up comedy,
no matter what.

I'll tell you one thing.

If I was ever in a situation like that,
a day where I couldn't wipe myself...

that's when I call Kevorkian.

"Come on down, Jack, I need your help.

"I'm checking out, bring the injection."

You know, that's when mercy killing
should be tolerated.

Thanks for getting me this gig.

I'm just delighted with this whole thing.

I think we've come
to the end of the line here.

I know, it's very disappointing to all of you.

And me, too. Me, too.

But you know...

this is what happens
when you run out of nothing.

Thank you very much, good night.

He's not good with himself.

He's not at peace with himself
after he bombs...

until he goes up on stage again
and does well.

I don't talk to him about the concert...

because I know that
it will only bring on a sense of anxiety.

So, I don't bring it up.

We'll go there, we'll shoot it.
It'll be zip in, zip out.

That's it. He's not gonna bomb,
he's gonna kill.

He's gonna devastate.

This is gonna be the best concert special...

that they've had in years, really.

They're gonna be shocked
by how he's gonna kill.

They might ask him
to do another one right away.

That's good.

One moment, please.

Larry David to see Alan Wasserman.

Hi, Susan.
I have Larry David here to see Alan.

- Do you have an appointment?
- Actually, no, but it's kind of urgent.

He says, "No, but it's urgent."

It's not like an emergency.

But it's important.

He says, "It's not really an emergency,
but it's important."

I just basically need to talk to him.

Okay, sure.

It'll just be a couple of minutes.
Good afternoon, HBO.

Sure.

- How you doing?
- Where's the big guy?

- He's not here today.
- He's not coming?

No.

- I see. Have a seat.
- Okay.

Judy's gonna be joining us.

- There she is.
- Hi, how you doing? What's going on?

I'm sorry...

but it looks like
I'm not gonna be able to do the special.

The show.

What happened?

It's my stepfather.

He got in a car accident...

and he's in a coma.

I got to go to Florida to be with my mother.

- It's all her fault, yeah.
- What happened?

She made him put his seatbelt on
while he was driving.

And he couldn't coordinate
and he hit a pole.

Is he conscious?

No, he's in a coma. He's in a coma.

But he's in and out of the coma.
So, he comes in, goes out.

- I don't know.
- At this point, we're 48 hours away.

- I know, tell me about it.
- This is a terrible tragedy.

I'm so psyched and ready for it, too.

You should really consider
trying to go through with it at this point.

Alan, I have to tell you,
there's no way that I can do it.

Because, you know,
I even broached that idea to my mother.

And she just completely broke down.

- Totally broke down.
- That was today.

She fell on the floor!

They had to pick her up
to put her back on phone.

- She's in shock, of course.
- Are you close to your father, I mean...

Stepfather.

Sorry. Are you close to him?

Not really.

We went fishing a couple of times together.

But...

we had a good time
out on the boat that afternoon.

We had such a good time, we went back.

Can't somebody else go down there?

Nobody down there to be with her?

- She needs me. I'm her son.
- What if we were to hire a primary caregiver?

It's not the same. It's not family.

You should have heard her on the phone.

"Larry, please, I need you.

"Don't, Larry, you have to come.

"Larry!"

Okay.

Terrible timing.

This is not just like a gig at the Improv.

- I know, I understand.
- Give me a break here.

Give you a break?
My stepfather is in a coma in the hospital.

I understand.

That's the most important thing right now.

This is show business, okay?

It's a very difficult situation.

There's no bad people. Bad situation.

True.

I need some idea
when we can resume schedule here.

We have to wait and see what happens.

- We need to have a schedule here.
- I can't give you a schedule.

I'm not in charge of comas.
I never dealt with a coma before.

I have no coma experience, so, I don't know.

Does she understand what is at stake here?

She totally understands, she doesn't care.
You have to cancel it.

We'll reassess once I get down there
and see what the situation is.

- Would we be able to contact you there?
- I'll call you.

I'll let you know what's going on.

Show's over for right now.

I got to fly to Florida now.
God, what a nightmare.

I got to get on the phone.

- All right.
- You got to do that.

I got a lot of work to do.

You know, death, it's a part of life.

We're lucky to be alive.

- All right.
- Okay.

- Take care.
- All right.

Bye.

Larry...

if anything else is going on,
now is the time to tell me.

I don't know what you're implying by that.

- But I swear on my children's lives.
- Say no more.

Validation, please.

Larry.

- How you doing?
- What? You didn't get the job?

Obviously not.

I'm shocked.

I heard that was
quite a recommendation you gave me.

- I called up...
- Insulted the guy.

- I didn't insult the guy.
- That's what he said.

That is not accurate.

I called up and he insulted me.

He made a crack about the show,
"Never watched it, not a fan."

So what? Not everybody likes the show.

Of course they don't like it.
I don't expect them to.

Don't insult the guy on the phone.

Could you validate this for me, please?
Thanks.

He told me that you insulted him
on the phone.

And then you sent him a letter afterwards,
adding insult to injury.

It's about an hour.

I wrote him a very nice letter,
a beautiful letter.

Yeah, he told me about that as well.

I said some wonderful things about you
in the letter.

- Lf you did, why would I be sitting here?
- I don't know.

It's bewildering, frankly.
I'm quite puzzled by it.

I'm puzzled by the whole thing.

He said you insulted him
at the end of the letter.

Took back everything that you had said.

I didn't insult him at all. You know what?

You're better off, because the guy's an idiot.

I don't care. It was a great opportunity.

Opportunity?
Blessing in disguise, young man.

Can you make a phone call to somebody...

I got to catch a plane to Florida.
My stepfather's in a coma.

Sorry to hear about your stepfather.

- Larry!
- I'll be back.

I see Alan all the time, we're friendly.

Larry, come on.

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