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♪

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>> MY DAY STARTS AT 6:30 A.M.

I DON'T NEED AN ALARM CLOCK.

I WAKE UP EVERY DAY AND DRESS

FOR MY ROLE AS C.E.O.

THAT MEANS 50 TAILORED SUITS AT

ALL TIMES.

RIGHT NOW, I HAVE 54.

DRESS SHIRTS? VERY IMPORTANT.

128. CRISP WHITE, ALWAYS BEST.

AN OCCASIONAL PALE YELLOW OR

BLUE.

NOW, A TIE SAYS EVERYTHING ABOUT

A MAN.

SILK. TIES SHOULD ONLY BE SILK.

80 STRIPES, A DOZEN SOLIDS.

OH, AND ONE ROGUE PAISLEY MY

SISTER BOUGHT ME IN PALM BEACH.

PROBABLY HAMMERED AT NOON.

SHOES? BLACK AND BROWN.

LACE-UP ONLY.

WELL, IF THIS ALL SOUNDS LIKE

MUCH OF THE SAME, IT'S BECAUSE

IT IS.

MY ROUTINE...

MY LIFE...

MY BUSINESS.

SERVED ME WELL FOR 31 YEARS.

YET, TODAY, I AM CASHING IT ALL

IN.

AND FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY

LIFE, I'LL BE WORKING FOR

SOMEONE ELSE.

THAT'S A BIG CHANGE FOR ME.

AND I'M NOT REAL GOOD WITH

CHANGE...

AS YOU CAN TELL.

>> MM. TOO TIGHT. MORE. MORE.

STOP. TOO THIN. GO BACK.

MM-HMM. AGAIN.

THAT'S IT. FREEZE.

ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE DONE.

THANK YOU.

DARLING, YOU'RE LATE.

>> WHAT?

>> YES. REMEMBER? PARTY TONIGHT.

YOU, GO, GET DRESSED, HURRY.

>> YES, ALL RIGHT.

>> JASON, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I SAID LEAVE IT RIGHT HERE.

HELLO?

ALL RIGHT, DO WE HAVE MORE?

I THINK WE HAVE MORE. GO.

DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING

MYSELF?

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

>> YES?

>> MM. OH, YOU NEVER COULD TIE A

PROPER KNOT.

HERE. LET ME.

>> WHAT AM I GONNA DO, SIS?

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

WHAT A SILLY QUESTION.

YOU ENJOY THE COMPANY OF YOUR

FRIENDS, DARLING.

>> I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT

TONIGHT.

I'M TALKING ABOUT TOMORROW.

>> WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY,

PAULIE?

>> THEY RETIRED ME TODAY.

>> WHAT?!

>> YES.

>> OH, CHRIST.

OKAY, I'M GONNA HAVE A NERVOUS

BREAKDOWN.

CAN THEY DO THAT?

>> THEY CAN AND THEY DID.

>> YEAH, BUT -- BUT DO WE STILL

GET THE MONEY?

>> [ LAUGHS ]

YES, WE GET THE MONEY.

>> OH. OKAY, OKAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT? SO WHAT?

YOU ARE A SUCCESSFUL MAN,

PAULIE, AND THAT'S WHAT WE ARE

HERE TO CELEBRATE TONIGHT --

YOU, MY GORGEOUS BROTHER.

ALL RIGHT, ARE YOU READY?

>> I'M READY.

>> LET'S KNOCK 'EM DEAD.

[ JAZZ PIANO PLAYS ]

HERE HE IS, PEOPLE, THE TOAST OF

THE TOWN.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

ALBERT. GOOD TO SEE YOU.

THANK YOU. NICE TUXEDO.

>> OH, PAUL. CONGRATULATIONS.

>> OH, LYNNE.

OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

>> YOU REMEMBER MY SISTER,

IRENE.

>> IRENE, AS BEAUTIFUL AS EVER.

HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN?

>> EVERY BIT OF 10 YEARS.

>> 10 YEARS.

>> YEAH, I DON'T THINK I'VE BEEN

BACK EAST SINCE BONNIE'S

WEDDING.

>> WELL, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I'M GOING TO FIND BEN WHILE YOU

TWO, UM, CATCH UP.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> YOU LOOK WELL.

>> THANK YOU.

IT REALLY IS GOOD TO SEE YOU.

>> MM.

>> HOW'S GLEN?

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

DATING A 12-YEAR-OLD.

>> WHERE'S A ROCK WHEN YOU NEED

ONE?

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> I'M SO SORRY. I HAD NO IDEA.

>> YOU KNOW, I JUST MET HER.

SHE CALLS HERSELF SKYE.

>> SKYE?

>> YEAH. [ LAUGHS ]

>> DOES SHE LOOK GORGEOUS OR

WHAT?

>> OH.

>> AGELESS.

>> YOU ARE A GOOD LIAR,

PAUL GRECCO.

>> MR. PAUL?

>> YES?

>> I THINK WE'RE ALL SET HERE

NOW.

I'LL BE HEADING OUT.

>> OH, WELL, I'LL, UH -- I'LL

WALK YOU OUT.

LADIES, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.

>> YOU LOOK FABULOUS.

[ PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES ]

>> SO, WHAT DID HE SAY?

YOU TOLD HIM YOU WERE SEPARATED,

RIGHT?

>> HE WAS VERY SWEET.

>> WELL, IF HE DOESN'T MAKE A

MOVE, HE'S CRAZY.

YOU ARE PERFECT FOR HIM!

>> EVEN SO, DON'T EXPECT MUCH.

SALLY SAID SHE DATED HIM FOR SIX

MONTHS AND NADA.

[ POPS TONGUE ]

>> MUCH WHAT?

>> COME ON.

>> WHAT?

>> Sex.

>> SEX?

>> SALLY SAID THERE WAS NEVER

ANYTHING MORE THAN A KISS.

SIX MONTHS!

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? LISTEN TO ME.

I HEARD THAT ABOUT PAUL BEFORE,

ANYWAY.

I HEARD THAT.

>> I HAVEN'T.

AND LET ME TELL YOU -- SALLY IS

NOT IRENE.

>> PICKED UP THIS MARVELOUS

MINUTE REPEATER LAST WEEK.

>> LOOKS LIKE A WATCH TO ME.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

IT'S ABOUT THE COMPLICATION, AL.

>> THE MORE COMPLICATED, THE

MORE EXPENSIVE?

>> EXACTLY.

>> I'LL STICK TO SIMPLE.

>> YOU ALWAYS HAVE.

MAYBE A LITTLE COMPLICATION

WOULDN'T BE SO BAD.

[ BELL DINGS ]

>> UM, EVERYONE, I'D LIKE TO

MAKE A TOAST.

DOES EVERYBODY HAVE CHAMPAGNE?

>> OF COURSE.

>> EXCELLENT.

UH, PAULIE, COME OVER HERE,

PLEASE.

"OH, I HATE THIS."

I KNOW, I KNOW.

TO MY DEAREST BROTHER, PAULIE,

WHO HAS WORKED SO HARD FOR SO

MANY YEARS.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR GENEROSITY,

FOR PUTTING UP WITH ME...

>> YEAH.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

...AND FOR ALL THAT YOU BRING TO

ALL OF OUR LIVES.

CONGRATULATIONS. AND CHEERS.

>> All: CHEERS!

>> THANK YOU, ELISE.

>> OH, WAIT, WAIT.

UH, UM, EVERYONE, I FORGOT.

I HAVE A LITTLE TOKEN OF

APPRECIATION FOR MY BROTHER.

>> OH, MOTHER OF GOD.

WHAT IS THAT?

>> IT'S CALLED A PUPPY, DEAR.

>> OH, GOD.

>> LOOK HOW CUTE.

>> WHAT THE HELL DO I KNOW ABOUT

DOGS?

>> YOU'VE DATED ENOUGH OF THEM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> WELL, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO

DO WITH IT?

>> IT'S NOT AN IT. IT'S A HER.

AND YOU ARE TO WALK HER AND FEED

HER AND LOVE HER.

SHE'S ALL YOURS.

>> UH...

>> DOES SHE COME WITH A PRENUP?

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> DOES IT HAVE A NAME?

>> WHATEVER YOU WANT TO NAME

HER, DARLING.

>> SHE'S AWFULLY WARM.

>> I KNOW.

>> OH, CHRIST!

>> WHAT?

>> SHE'S PISSING ALL OVER ME!

>> [ Laughing ] OH, SO ADORABLE.

IT'S JUST A TINY LITTLE DROP.

HERE. JUST GO CHANGE, AND I'LL

TAKE CARE OF HER.

>> THANK YOU, EVERYONE.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

LOOK AT HER.

IS SHE ADORABLE OR WHAT?

I KNOW. I KNOW.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

>> COME IN.

>> LET'S GO SEE WHAT DADDY'S

DOING.

OH, YES, YOU ARE A SWEET THING.

I KNOW. I LOVE YOU, TOO.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> TOMORROW, THAT IS GOING BACK

WHERE SHE CAME FROM.

>> OH, COME ON, PAUL.

JUST GIVE HER A CHANCE.

YOU LOVED BAILEY WHEN WE WERE

KIDS.

YOU LIVED FOR THAT DOG.

>> I WAS A KID.

NOW I'M A MIDDLE-AGED MAN WITH A

HERNIA.

I MEAN, REALLY, ELISE, WHAT THE

HELL WERE YOU THINKING?

>> THAT YOU'RE A MIDDLE-AGED MAN

WITH A HERNIA WHO LIVES ALONE

AND COULD USE A LITTLE REGULAR

COMPANIONSHIP.

OH, COME ON, PAUL.

LOOK AT HER. LOOK AT THAT FACE.

[ GASPS ]

I THINK SHE LOVES YOU ALREADY.

COME ON. THERE YOU GO.

>> IS THAT LIPSTICK?

>> MM-HMM.

ALL RIGHT, I TELL YOU WHAT.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST KEEP HER FOR

A MONTH, AND -- AND THEN IF IT

DOESN'T WORK OUT, I'LL TAKE HER,

OKAY?

>> DO I HAVE A CHOICE?

>> NO.

TRUST ME -- YOU WILL LOVE HER.

NOW THAT YOU'RE RETIRED, YOU

HAVE ALL THAT TIME TO GET TO

KNOW EACH OTHER.

HMM?

SHE'S FED AND WALKED AND

EXHAUSTED, SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO

EVEN THINK ABOUT HER UNTIL

TOMORROW WHEN THE TRAINER COMES.

>> TRAINER?

>> YEAH, MINDY.

SHE'LL BE HERE AT 9:00.

SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE BEST.

NOW, UM, WHAT ELSE?

OH, I PUT WEE-WEE PADS ON THE

KITCHEN FLOOR AND, UM, GAVE HER

A BOWL OF WATER, SO SHE SHOULD

BE JUST FINE, RIGHT, SWEETIE?

JUST CHECK ON HER WHEN YOU GET

UP IN THE MORNING.

IT WAS A GORGEOUS PARTY.

>> IF YOU DO SAY SO YOURSELF.

>> YES. MWAH!

NIGHT. OH, AND DO ME A FAVOR AND

THINK OF A NAME.

CAN'T CALL HER "IT" FOREVER.

[ GROWLS ] I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

ALL RIGHT, DARLING, GOOD NIGHT.

>> GOOD NIGHT.

[ DOG WHIMPERING, YELPING ]

CHRIST! WHAT?!

WHAT? WHAT IS WRONG?

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

[ SIGHS ]

COME ON.

THERE.

>> GOOD MORNING, MR. PAUL.

>> GOOD MORNING, CLAIRE.

>> I'M GONNA PUT THE COFFEE

RIGHT UP.

OH, BROTHER!

WHO GONNA CARE FOR THAT THING?

I'M NOT PICKING UP NO DOG

BUSINESS IN THIS HOUSE.

NO DISRESPECT, MR. PAUL, BUT I'M

NOT DOING THAT.

>> CLAIRE, RELAX.

SIT DOWN, MEET HER.

>> WHAT'S SHE NAMED?

>> I HAVEN'T DECIDED.

>> SHE NOT A BAD LOOKIN' THING.

>> ♪ COFFEE

>> [ CHUCKLES ] OH, BROTHER.

THIS WHOLE THING GOT MISS ELISE

NAME WRITTEN ALL OVER IT.

>> YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT THAT.

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

I GOT IT.

[ BEEP ]

HELLO?

YES. THANK YOU. SEND HER UP.

IT'S THE DOG BEATER.

>> HI. I'M MINDY.

>> COME ON.

HE IN HERE WITH THAT THING.

>> HI! I'M MINDY.

>> HELLO. I'M PAUL GRECCO.

>> WELL, HI!

AREN'T YOU A PRETTY GIRL?

AND WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

>> IT. WELL, SHE, TECHNICALLY.

>> WELL, WE MUST GIVE YOU A

NAME.

WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS?

>> I REALLY HAVEN'T ANY.

>> OKAY. [ BREATHES DEEPLY ]

LET'S SEE.

SHE'S GOT A STRONG LITTLE BUILD,

A BEAUTIFUL FACE, AND SHE'S VERY

QUIET.

WHAT DOES THAT BRING TO MIND?

>> THE PERFECT WIFE.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

NOW, WOULDN'T THAT BE

MRS. GRECCO?

>> I THINK THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.

SO I GUESS THAT'S YOU --

MRS. GRECCO.

>> OH, I'M SORRY.

>> NO, THAT'S A PERFECT

SUGGESTION.

>> YOU'RE SERIOUS ABOUT THAT.

>> MRS. GRECCO. ABSOLUTELY.

>> YOU KNOW, IT'S USUALLY BETTER

TO HAVE A ONE-WORD NAME, LIKE

SPOT OR BUTTERCUP.

IT'S MUCH EASIER FOR THE DOG TO

UNDERSTAND.

I JUST...

I DON'T KNOW IF THE NAME

MRS. GRECCO WOULD BE THE MOST

DESIRABLE.

>> MINDY, THERE'S A HUNDRED OLD

DOGS WITHIN ONE SQUARE BLOCK

THAT DESIRE NOTHING MORE THAN

THE NAME MRS. GRECCO.

SHALL WE?

>> [ CHUCKLES ] OKAY.

[ LAUGHS ]

WELL, TODAY, WE'RE GOING TO

TEACH MR. GRECCO AND --

>> UH, PAUL.

>> OH.

>> PLEASE.

>> SORRY.

PAUL AND MRS. GRECCO WHEN AND

WHERE TO SISSY AND POOPY.

WELL, I HAVE A FEW VERY SIMPLE

STEPS YOU MUST PRACTICE, AND IF

YOU STICK WITH IT -- AND MOST

IMPORTANTLY, BE CONSISTENT --

SHE WILL BE HOUSEBROKEN IN NO

TIME AT ALL.

STAY!

[ GASPS ] GOOD STAY.

WE WANT TO REINFORCE GOOD

BEHAVIOR WITH THE TONE OF OUR

VOICE.

WE WANT TO SOUND HAPPY WHEN WE

REINFORCE GOOD BEHAVIOR.

WE MUST ALWAYS COMMUNICATE WITH

THE DOG AT THE TIME OF ACTION.

>> TIME OF ACTION. GOT IT.

>> THE FIRST THING WE MUST TEACH

HER IS THE DISTINCTION BETWEEN

INSIDE AND OUTSIDE.

SO EVERY TIME YOU CROSS THE

THRESHOLD TO LEAVE THE BUILDING,

RIGHT AT THE TIME OF ACTION, I

WANT YOU TO SAY, "OUTSIDE."

AND EVERY TIME YOU CROSS THE

THRESHOLD TO COME BACK INTO THE

BUILDING, I WANT YOU TO SAY --

>> INSIDE!

>> YES! VERY GOOD.

>> I'M A QUICK STUDY.

>> THE POINT IS TO TRY TO CATCH

HER IN THE ACT.

WHEN YOU DO CATCH HER GOING

SISSY, IN A HAPPY VOICE, SAY, "A

SISSY, SISSY, A SISSY, SISSY,"

UNTIL SHE IS DONE.

ONLY DO THIS AT THE TIME OF...

ACTION.

SAME GOES IF YOU CATCH HER

POOPING.

IN A HAPPY VOICE, SAY, "A POOPY,

POOPY, A POOPY, POOPY" UNTIL SHE

IS DONE.

SO, STAY CONSISTENT, AND SHE'LL

MAKE THE CONNECTION.

>> OKAY. INSIDE AND OUTSIDE.

SISSY AND POOPY.

TIME OF ACTION. BE CONSISTENT.

>> YOU ARE A QUICK STUDY.

THANK YOU, MR...UH, PAUL.

[ CHUCKLES ]

IT WAS SUCH A PLEASURE MEETING

YOU BOTH.

OH, HERE'S MY CARD.

IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS, JUST

CALL ME.

TAKE CARE.

>> THANK YOU.

>> [ SIGHS ]

>> MORNING, MR. GRECCO.

WHO DO WE HAVE HERE?

IT'S A REAL BEAUTY. BOY OR GIRL?

>> GIRL.

>> OH, WHAT'S HER NAME?

>> MRS. GRECCO.

>> MRS. GRECCO?

WELL, I KNOW A LOT OF LADIES ARE

GONNA BE JEALOUS OF YOU.

SHE'S A REAL BEAUTY, MR. GRECCO.

GOOD LUCK WITH HER.

>> THANK YOU.

OUTS--

>> MR. GRECCO.

>> GOOD MORNING, SIR.

>> MORNING.

OKAY. DO YOUR THING.

YOU WANT TO WALK.

OKAY, WE'LL WALK.

YEAH, NO, NO.

NO, NO, NO. THAT'S BAD.

SORRY.

>> OH, HI. I'M ANDY.

THIS IS BEAN.

HE'S KIND OF A SNOB, BUT HE

PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS.

>> PAUL GRECCO.

THAT'S MRS. GRECCO.

>> OH. WELL, AREN'T WE FORMAL,

MISSY?

HEY, WOULD YOU CARE TO SIT?

>> YEAH. SURE.

COME ON. COME ON.

>> HERE. MAY I?

I COULD TIE HER UP SO THEY CAN

PLAY TOGETHER.

>> OH.

YEAH, IT'S NOT A BAD IDEA.

>> COME HERE. SAY HI, BEAN.

WOW. SHE IS ADORABLE.

WHAT? ABOUT 14 WEEKS?

>> YOUR GUESS IS AS GOOD AS

MINE.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

BEAN IS ALMOST 2.

>> REALLY?

>> SO, HOW DOES YOUR WIFE FEEL

ABOUT SHARING HER NAME WITH A

DOG?

>> WHAT?

OH.

THAT IS THE ONLY MRS. GRECCO.

>> OH. INTERESTING.

>> YOUR NAME AGAIN?

>> ANDY.

>> YES.

>> SO, PAUL...

DO YOU LIVE AROUND HERE?

>> RIGHT THERE.

>> OH, ME?

OH, WELL, I ACTUALLY LIVE RIGHT

OVER THERE.

>> THAT'S VERY NICE.

>> SO, I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU IN

THE PARK BEFORE.

>> DOG.

>> RIGHT.

SO NOW YOU'RE ONE OF US.

>> PARDON?

>> THE DOG PEOPLE.

>> EXCUSE ME?

>> ONE OF THE REGULARS, YOU

KNOW?

>> OH. [ CHUCKLES ]

>> DOGS HAVE TO GO OUT EVERY

DAY.

YOU DO KNOW THAT, RIGHT?

>> SERIOUSLY?

I-I HAVE TO DO THIS EVERY DAY?

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> WELL...

>> OH, HERE. LET ME.

>> THANK YOU.

IT WAS VERY NICE MEETING YOU.

>> GOODBYE, MRS. GRECCO.

SAY "BYE," BEAN.

>> COME ON.

GOOD, GOOD. GOOD GIRL!

A SISSY! A SISSY, SISSY!

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> INSIDE.

INSIDE!

I FEEL LIKE AN IDIOT.

MORNING.

>> THAT YOU, MR. PAUL?

>> AND MRS. GRECCO.

>> MISS ELISE BE CALLING HERE

TWICE.

I TOLD HER YOU WERE WITH THAT

THING AT THE PARK.

AND YOUR NEPHEW CALLED.

HE WANT TO STOP BY OR SOMETHING.

>> BRIAN CALLED? WHEN?

>> JUST NOW.

[ BEEPING ]

BRIAN, WHERE ARE YOU?

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]

OH, ALWAYS WITH THE PICTURES.

COME HERE.

>> ALWAYS. YOU KNOW THAT.

>> YOU KNOW, YOU'RE SUCH A

GOOD-LOOKING BOY, BUT WHAT'S

WITH THE SHIRT?

YOU CAN'T PRESS YOUR SHIRT?

>> IT'S MADE TO LOOK LIKE THIS.

>> INTENTIONALLY WRINKLED.

CAN YOU AT LEAST TUCK IT IN?

>> YOU KNOW, IT'S MUCH MORE

CONTEMPORARY THESE DAYS TO WEAR

A SHIRT OUT.

YOU SHOULD TRY IT.

YOU'D LOOK HIP.

>> YEAH. I DON'T THINK I'M READY

FOR HIP.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

WE'LL CONSIDER YOU A WORK IN

PROGRESS.

>> THE PARTY WAS TERRIFIC, BY

THE WAY.

>> NO, NO, NO.

NOT YOU TOO, UNCLE PAUL.

>> I KNOW.

YOUR MOTHER CAN BE A LITTLE

DIFFICULT SOMETIMES.

>> OH, WELL...

>> BUT YOU NEED TO WORK HARDER

TO FIND COMMON GROUND WITH HER.

>> COMMON GROUND?

WE DON'T AGREE ON ANYTHING.

IT'S LIKE SHE HAS THIS PICTURE

IN HER HEAD OF WHAT SHE THINKS

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE, OF WHAT SHE

THINKS IS...SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE,

YOU KNOW, OF WHAT SHE THINKS IS

IMPORTANT.

>> I KNOW.

BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO TALK TO

HER.

>> I MEAN, WHY DOESN'T SHE WANT

ME TO BE HAPPY?

>> YOU KNOW SHE WANTS YOU TO BE

HAPPY.

>> YEAH, SHE JUST HAS THAT FUNNY

WAY OF SHOWING IT.

SO...

HOW'S BIZ?

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]

>> SOLD.

>> YEAH? ALL RIGHT!

>> NO, I'M NOT NEARLY HAS HAPPY

ABOUT IT AS I THOUGHT I WOULD

BE.

>> BUT HOLD -- WHAT?

I'M SORRY. I DON'T GET IT.

YOU -- YOU WORK LIKE A DOG YOUR

ENTIRE LIFE.

I BET YOU MADE A KILLING. HMM?

>> MM.

>> YOU'RE NOT HAPPY?

>> WELL, I'M NOT NOT {end-italic} HAPPY.

>> OH.

>> I GUESS I WASN'T PREPARED FOR

THIS.

>> YOU SHOULD REINVENT YOURSELF.

WHAT? LISTEN, I WENT THROUGH

FOUR YEARS OF LAW SCHOOL

PRACTICALLY ON AUTOPILOT, BUT

ONE DAY, WHEN I WAS IN THE LAB,

YOU KNOW, JUST HANGING UP A

BUNCH OF PHOTOGRAPHS THAT I'D

NEVER EVEN DEVELOPED BEFORE, I

STOOD THERE, YOU KNOW, JUST

STARING AT ALL OF THIS WORK.

I-I REALIZED SOMETHING THAT I

NEVER EVEN KNEW ABOUT MYSELF.

THAT I WAS A PHOTOGRAPHER...

AN ARTIST.

>> AND WHAT HAS THAT GOTTEN YOU?

>> A JOB AT THE PASSPORT OFFICE?

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> PERSONAL SATISFACTION.

OH, AND DID I MENTION...

A GALLERY SHOW?

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]

>> WHAT?

SERIOUSLY?

>> MM-HMM.

IT'S CALLED "WORKS ON PAPER."

IT'S STILL UNDER CONSTRUCTION,

MAYBE ANOTHER SIX TO EIGHT

WEEKS, BUT THEY WANT ME TO BE

THEIR OPENING SHOW.

>> CONGRATULATIONS.

DO YOU HAVE A THEME?

>> TRUTH...

PEOPLE EMOTIONALLY EXPOSED,

NAKED, REAL...

GRITTY, YOU KNOW?

>> OH, I THINK I UNDERSTAND.

I'M NOT SURE YOUR MOTHER WILL.

>> EXACTLY. THAT'S THE STORY OF

OUR WHOLE RELATIONSHIP.

IT'S LIKE I'M A WORK OF

CONTEMPORARY ART...

AN ABSTRACTION SHE WILL NEVER

UNDERSTAND.

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]

>> OH. SHIT. IT'S ALMOST 2:00.

CLAIRE! I GOT TO TAKE HER OUT.

AH. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET...

MRS. GRECCO.

>> WHAT? YOU'RE SERIOUS?

>> MM-HMM.

>> NOW, THAT'S A FUCKIN' HOOT.

>> I THOUGHT SO.

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]

>> I'M GONNA GO OFF SHIFT.

I'LL SEND SOMEONE UP TO TAKE

THIS THING OUT.

>> ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU.

>> MM. WELL, THANKS, UNCLE PAUL.

I'LL SEE YOU AT THE BIRTHDAY

BRUNCH, RIGHT?

IF NOT SOONER.

>> OKAY.

[ KNOCK ON WALL ]

>> AUNTIE ROZ. AUNTIE ROZ!

GO GET HER! [ CHUCKLES ]

>> HEY! HI, BEAN.

ARE WE DRINKING YET?

>> GRAB A GLASS.

>> OH, I AM EXHAUSTED.

I JUST DID SEVEN LAPS AROUND THE

PARK.

DO I LOOK FAT?

>> NO.

>> YOU DIDN'T EVEN LOOK AT ME.

>> YOU'RE NOT FAT.

>> YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT.

>> BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT FAT.

>> [ SIGHS ]

HEY, HOW DID IT GO?

DID YOU DELIVER THE COPY?

>> [ SIGHS ]

THE ART DIRECTOR REWROTE EVERY

WORD, AND NOW IT SOUNDS LIKE

SHIT.

>> OH.

>> AND THEN SHE TELLS ME, "YOU

DID A FABULOUS JOB."

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> I WALKED OUT AND REPROGRAMMED

HER NUMBER IN MY PHONE TO "DO

NOT ANSWER."

>> WAIT A SECOND, WAIT A SECOND.

ISN'T "DO NOT ANSWER" ANOTHER

GUY?

UH, CUBBY THUMBS?

>> I HATE THAT YOU PAY

ATTENTION.

DEREK.

BUT I'M ABUNDANTLY CERTAIN HE

WILL NEVER CALL ME AGAIN.

>> AND YOU SAY THAT BECAUSE?

>> BECAUSE I TOLD HIM, "NEVER

CALL ME AGAIN."

HEY, WEREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO GET

YOUR HAIR DONE TODAY?

>> MM. I CANCELED.

I'M SO BUSY AT THE GALLERY, AND

SO...

>> ARE YOU BLACKLISTED FROM THE

SALON YET?

>> OH, MY GOSH, I JUST

REMEMBERED.

I MAY HAVE A GUY FOR YOU.

NO, SERIOUSLY.

THIS NEW ARTIST I JUST SIGNED.

HE'S A LITTLE YOUNG BUT

DELICIOUS.

>> HOW YOUNG IS A LITTLE YOUNG?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

LATE 20s, EARLY 30s.

>> NO.

>> OH, COME ON.

>> SINCE WHEN DO YOU CARE ABOUT

AGE?

IT'S DICK. ISN'T THAT THE GOAL?

>> NO SETUPS, NOTHING STAGED.

>> DEAL.

TO DICK. [ CHUCKLES ]

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> TO DICK.

[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]

>> OH, SORRY.

>> OH.

>> MUST BE PUPPY LOVE.

>> YEAH.

>> MAY I?

>> UH, YEAH, CERTAINLY.

>> COME ON.

SO, WHAT'S THE HOT NEWS?

>> OH, I HAVEN'T THE SLIGHTEST

IDEA.

>> HEADLINE, MAYBE? NO?

>> NOPE. I'VE BEEN SO DISTRACTED

BY THE BIRDS AND THE PEOPLE AND

THE TREES, I CAN'T REMEMBER A

SINGLE WORD I'VE READ.

>> I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL HERE.

SO, ARE YOU NEW TO THE CITY?

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

I'VE LIVED ON THIS PARK FOR

ALMOST 30 YEARS.

>> [ CHUCKLES ] WOW.

>> BEEN BUILDING A BUSINESS.

A FEW THOUSAND MOUTHS TO FEED...

NURSING VENDORS WHO WOULD CUT

OUT MY LIVER FOR A NICKEL.

>> SOUNDS CONSUMING.

>> INDEED. IT WAS MY LIFE.

>> WAS?

REGRETS?

>> IT WAS A SACRIFICE.

I WAS GOOD AT IT.

AND IT WAS GOOD TO ME.

SO NO. NO REGRETS.

>> I'M A FREELANCE COPYWRITER.

>> HMM.

>> ADVERTISING AGENCIES MOSTLY,

BUT SOME EDITORIAL WORK HERE AND

THERE.

>> AH. THE CREATIVE TYPE.

>> YEAH. BUT I LOVE WRITING, SO

NOT REALLY WORK FOR ME.

[ NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE ]

>> MORNING.

>> IT IS A GLORIOUS DAY.

>> INDEED.

>> THEY JUST CUT THE GRASS.

I ALWAYS LOOKED FORWARD TO THAT

SMELL AS A KID.

>> WHERE WERE YOU RAISED?

>> WE GREW UP IN THE SUBURBS.

>> YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS?

>> JUST MY BROTHER, HARVEY.

>> OLDER? YOUNGER?

>> HE WOULD BE OLDER.

HE DIED ALMOST 15 YEARS AGO.

HARD TO BELIEVE.

>> OH. I'M -- I'M SORRY.

>> ME TOO. I ADORED MY BROTHER.

HE WAS -- HE WAS A REALLY

BEAUTIFUL PERSON.

HE WAS ALSO GAY.

>> YEAH, I, UH...

I SUSPECTED YOU WERE...

YOU KNOW.

>> GAY?

>> YES.

>> TWO GAY BOYS IN ONE FAMILY.

MY MOTHER USED TO CALL US

"DOUBLE TROUBLE."

>> YOU BOTH KNEW?

>> OH, ABSOLUTELY.

HARVEY TOOK ME TO MY FIRST GAY

CLUB.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

DO YOU THINK HE INFLUENCED YOU

AT ALL?

>> NO, PAUL.

ONE IS NOT GAY BY INFLUENCE.

I WAS ALWAYS DIFFERENT.

I MEAN, I FELT {end-italic} DIFFERENT.

IT JUST -- IT TOOK ME A LITTLE

WHILE TO FIGURE IT OUT.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

YOU EVER KISSED A BOY?

>> ME? N-NO.

>> NEVER?

>> NEVER.

W-WELL, I NEVER KISSED A BOY,

BUT I GUESS A-A BOY IN SUMMER

CAMP TRIED TO KISS ME ONCE.

>> TRIED {end-italic} TO KISS YOU?

[ LAUGHS ]

I MEAN, HE EITHER KISSED YOU OR

HE DIDN'T.

>> I GUESS HE KISSED ME.

>> DID YOU LIKE IT.

>> I PUNCHED HIM IN THE NOSE.

>> OUCH. [ CHUCKLES ]

YOU PUNCHED YOUR FRIEND IN THE

NOSE?

>> YES. AND I'D DO IT AGAIN.

>> ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

>> GOODBYE, ANDY.

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

[ BEEP ]

HELLO?

>> Oh, well, I'm glad you're

alive.

I'VE BEEN CALLING YOU FOR DAYS.

AND I LEFT FOUR MESSAGES ON YOUR

CELLPHONE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY YOU HAVE

ONE.

I MEAN, YOU NEVER ANSWER IT,

WHICH YOU KNOW MAKES ME CRAZY.

>> HI, ELISE. HOW ARE YOU?

>> DON'T PATRONIZE ME, PAUL.

I'M CONCERNED ABOUT YOU.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU ARE.

>> WELL, YOU CAN ALWAYS CALL

CLAIRE AND TALK TO HER.

>> I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO

CLAIRE.

I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

>> OKAY. YOU HAVE ME NOW. TALK.

>> PAULIE, HOW ARE YOU?

HOW'S THE DOG?

WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?

>> ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

ISN'T THAT GREAT?

I WALK THE DOG IN THE PARK.

I READ THE PAPER. I RELAX.

OH, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

I SAW BRIAN LAST WEEK, AND I

HAVE TO TELL YOU -- HE LOOKS

GREAT.

>> BRIAN IS IN TOWN AND YOU

DIDN'T CALL ME?

ALL RIGHT, I-I SWEAR -- I AM

GONNA HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.

>> IT WAS UNEXPECTED.

>> You always say that.

>> You know, you called me.

Was there something on your

mind?

>> I SAW IRENE YESTERDAY.

SUCH A LOVELY GIRL.

YOU THINK YOU MIGHT CALL HER?

>> YEAH, I MIGHT.

>> [ SIGHS ]

SO, I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD

TO NEXT FRIDAY.

YOU KNOW, WE ALWAYS HAVE SUCH A

GOOD TIME AT SYLVIA'S.

>> OH, UH, YEAH.

PHIL -- UH, SYLVIA'S. SURE.

>> PAUL, WHAT?

HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN?

NEXT FRIDAY?

ALL RIGHT, WE'RE PICKING YOU UP,

OKAY?

7:45?

>> OKAY.

>> All right.

HEY, PAULIE?

YOU PLEASE STAY IN TOUCH WITH

ME.

>> I WILL, I PROMISE.

GOOD NIGHT, SIS.

[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]

ONE OF THESE DAYS, YOU'RE GONNA

HAVE TO WALK ON YOUR OWN, YOU

KNOW.

GOOD SISSY, SISSY.

SISSY, SISSY.

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

>> HI. IT'S ANDY.

CAN'T GET TO THE PHONE RIGHT

NOW, BUT LEAVE ME A MESSAGE,

AND I'LL GET BACK TO YOU AS

SOON AS I CAN.

[ BEEP ]

>> HI, ANDY. ARE YOU THERE?

OKAY, I-IT'S DEREK.

AND I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GOT MY

OTHER MESSAGES, BUT I WAS

THINKING THAT -- I DON'T

KNOW -- MAYBE WE COULD JUST,

YOU KNOW...

SO CALL ME, OKAY?

>> [ SIGHS ]

COME ON. COME HERE. COME HERE.

>> ALL RIGHTY.

>> COME ON.

COME ON.

>> WHAT'S THE CAP ABOUT?

>> OH, IT'S PFLAG.

ARE YOU FAMILIAR?

>> AFRAID NOT.

>> PARENTS, FAMILIES, & FRIENDS

OF LESBIANS AND GAYS.

THAT WOULD BE YOU.

I VOLUNTEER ON TUESDAY NIGHTS.

>> OH, CERTAINLY.

I THINK IT'S VERY IMPORTANT TO

BE CHARITABLE.

>> HMM. THAT'S FUNNY.

I NEVER THOUGHT OF IT AS

CHARITY.

>> YOO-HOO! [ LAUGHS ]

ANDREW? [ LAUGHS ]

DEAR, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

OH.

MWAH. MWAH.

>> JASPER, UH, THIS IS PAUL.

>> MM. HOW NICE.

DEAR, DID ROZ TELL YOU I ASKED

FOR YOU?

>> UH, NO.

>> OH.

THEN YOU HAVEN'T SEEN HER.

SHE STARTED TALKING TO ME

ABOUT -- I DON'T KNOW -- AN

EXHIBIT OR SOMETHING.

AND I SAID, "DEAR, MORE

IMPORTANTLY, LET'S TALK ABOUT

YOUR HAIR, OKAY?

'CAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE A GIANT

RAT'S NEST."

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, THEN SHE GOT

ALL SNIPPY WITH ME.

WHATEVER. I DON'T CARE.

SO, PAUL...

>> JASPER, DON'T YOU HAVE

SOMEWHERE YOU NEED TO BE?

>> OH.

WELL, I CERTAINLY DO.

I'LL JUST LET YOU TWO GET BACK

TO WHATEVER.

GOOD TO SEE YOU, DEAR.

MWAH. MWAH.

AND TO MEET YOU, PAUL.

WHATEVER. GOODBYE.

>> WELL, I HAVE TO RUN.

UH...

>> OH, DON'T WORRY.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

>> THANK YOU.

I, UH...

I REALLY HATE TO RUSH OFF LIKE

THIS, BUT...

I'LL SEE YOU.

>> SEE YOU TOMORROW?

HI. [ CHUCKLES ]

IT'S ONLY 9:30. YOU'RE EARLY.

COME HERE.

>> I'M USUALLY HERE BY 9:00.

>> REALLY?

>> MM.

>> OH. AND I JUST THOUGHT YOU

MISSED ME.

>> WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHO I

DON'T MISS, AND THAT'S THAT

FRIEND OF YOURS.

JACKSON?

>> JASPER.

YEAH, I COULD TELL HE MADE YOU

UNCOMFORTABLE.

>> JUST NOT MY CUP OF TEA,

THAT'S ALL.

>> WHY IS THAT?

>> ANDY, HE'S -- HE'S TOO...

YOU KNOW.

>> GAY?

>> YES.

>> I'M GAY.

>> WELL, YOU'RE DIFFERENT.

>> OH, AND HOW IS THAT?

>> YOU'RE NOT ALL "EHH," YOU

KNOW?

>> I SEE.

ARE YOU ASHAMED TO BE SEEN WITH

SOMEONE WHO'S ALL...YOU KNOW?

>> NO. I'M NOT.

JUST TURNS ME OFF, THAT'S ALL.

YOU KNOW, ANDY, I UNDERSTAND THE

CONCEPT OF A MAN LOVING A MAN.

WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND IS WHY

LOVING A MAN MEANS YOU HAVE TO

WIGGLE WHEN YOU WALK.

>> YOU KNOW...

I THINK I'VE DETECTED A LITTLE

WIGGLE IN YOUR WALK LATELY.

>> BULLSHIT.

THE FACT THAT I'VE BEEN THINKING

ABOUT YOU DOESN'T...TRANSLATE

INTO MY WALK.

>> YOU'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT

ME?

>> I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS

WHOLE FUCKING THING.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO NAVIGATE MY

FEELINGS AROUND THIS.

>> FEELINGS?

>> I HAVE BEEN ONE WAY MY WHOLE

LIFE, ANDY.

AND NOW, IN THE SMALLEST WAY,

I'M CONFUSED.

>> CONFUSED?

>> ABOUT YOU...ME...US.

>> US?

>> WHAT'S NEXT?

>> NEXT?

>> ARE YOU MOCKING ME?

>> NO. NO. OH, MY GOD.

NO, I'M SORRY.

I'M JUST -- I'M IN A LITTLE BIT

OF SHOCK HERE.

>> OH. WELL, SORRY. I-I --

>> NO, NO, NO.

I MEAN, DON'T BE SORRY.

IT'S...

[ CHUCKLES ]

I MEAN, YOU'RE GREAT.

YOU'RE SWEET AND YOU'RE

HANDSOME.

IT'S JUST THAT, YOU KNOW,

YOU'RE, YOU KNOW...

>> WHAT?

>> HELLO?

STRAIGHT.

>> THAT'S TRUE.

THOUGH I HAVE HAD QUESTIONS

ALONG THE WAY.

>> YOU HAVE?

>> I'VE CAUGHT MYSELF...

THINKING ABOUT IT NOW AND AGAIN.

BUT I-I JUST PUT IT OFF TO

CURIOSITY.

I NEVER THOUGHT OF MYSELF...

THAT WAY.

ANDY, I'M IN MY 50s.

THIS IS THE LAST THING I EVER

EXPECTED TO HAPPEN.

THEN YOU COME ALONG, AND I DON'T

KNOW WHAT TO THINK OR WHAT TO

FEEL.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY HALF OF

THE TIME.

AND I SURE AS SHIT DON'T KNOW

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.

>> YEAH, WELL, THAT MAKES TWO OF

US.

>> HMM.

[ NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE ]

>> YOU HAVE THE LOVELIEST KNEES.

I NEVER NOTICED BEFORE.

OH, HERE HE IS.

>> IRENE.

WHAT A LOVELY SURPRISE.

>> EVENING, PAUL.

>> ALBERT.

>> HELLO, PAUL.

YOU LOOK VERY HANDSOME.

>> AND YOU LOOK AS LOVELY AS

ALWAYS.

>> I BROUGHT TWO FABULOUS

BOTTLES OF ZIN AND THE MOST

GORGEOUS CASHEWS YOU HAVE EVER

SEEN.

>> GOOD IDEA.

IT'LL BE THE ONLY EDIBLE THING

ALL NIGHT.

>> OH, PAUL, STOP IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> YOU WEREN'T EXPECTING ME,

WERE YOU?

>> TO BE HONEST, NO, BUT I'M

DELIGHTED YOU'RE WITH US,

NONETHELESS.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

>> HI.

>> HI!

OKAY, LET ME SEE IT.

>> HI, BEANIE-WEENIE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> I LIKE IT.

>> NO, YOU DON'T.

DOES IT MAKE ME LOOK FAT?

>> YES, I LIKE IT.

NO, IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU LOOK

FAT.

WHY? BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT FAT.

>> OH.

I MISS YOU, YOU LITTLE SHIT.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

>> I'VE BEEN AROUND.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

>> UGH. I'VE BEEN TRYING TO HIRE

AN ASSISTANT.

THE ART SCHOOL SENT ME 10

POSSIBILITIES.

SIX STRAIGHT -- PASS -- THREE

NO-SHOWS.

I ONLY HAVE ONE LEFT.

I'M PRAYING THAT HE'S GAY.

OH. NOTHING'S EASY.

>> ACCEPT FOR ME.

AND STILL, I AM NOT GETTING

LAID.

YOU KNOW, I REALLY DO LIKE IT.

IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A RAT'S

NEST AT ALL.

>> RAT'S NEST?

>> JASPER.

>> [ GASPS ]

I WOULD RATHER DIVE HEADFIRST

INTO MY OWN VOMIT THAN BE WITHIN

10 FEET OF THAT QUEEN.

>> HE FOUND ME SITTING WITH A

FRIEND IN THE PARK.

>> A FRIEND? A NEW FRIEND?

>> AH, NOW, THAT IS THE

$10 MILLION QUESTION.

>> TELL ME EVERYTHING, SPARE NO

DETAILS.

>> OKAY. HE IS NOTHING LIKE YOU

WOULD EXPECT.

HE IS INTERESTING AND WORLDLY.

>> WORLDLY? [ CHUCKLES ]

WHAT KIND OF GUY ARE YOU

DESCRIBING AS WORLDLY?

WHO IS HE? METHUSELAH?

>> PAUL. PAUL GRECCO.

HE'S IN HIS 50s BUT INTELLIGENT

AND SOPHISTICATED AND --

>> OH, SHIT. YOU'RE SERIOUS.

>> I KNOW. BUT THERE'S A CATCH.

HE'S --

>> MISSING A LIMB? AN EYEBALL?

[ GASPS ] A TESTICLE?

>> HE'S STRAIGHT.

>> STRAIGHT? PAUL GRECCO?

>> YOU KNOW HIM?

>> I MEAN, IT SOUNDS FAMILIAR,

BUT, NO, THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

HONEY, DON'T YOU SEE?

THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH

EVERY MAN THAT YOU MEET.

AND I'M NOT SURE WHAT IT'S GONNA

TAKE FOR YOU TO MEET MR. RIGHT,

BUT IT'S CERTAINLY NOT GONNA BE

MR. STRAIGHT.

>> HE MAY NOT BE ENTIRELY

STRAIGHT.

>> WELL, I MEAN, IF HE'S NOT

ENTIRELY STRAIGHT, HE'S NOT

ENTIRELY GAY, EITHER.

>> DON'T YOU SEE?

IT COULD BE PERFECT.

HE'S NOT STRAIGHT-ACTING BECAUSE

HE'S NOT ACTING.

HE'S ALWAYS BEEN STRAIGHT...

OR AT LEAST THOUGHT HE WAS.

IF HE TURNS OUT TO BE GAY, WELL,

IT'S LIKE I GET A GAY STRAIGHT

MAN.

IT'S PERFECT.

>> OKAY, YOU SOUND CRAZY.

>> I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY, BUT

I-I THINK HE MAY BE COMING OUT.

>> COMING OUT? OVER 50?

IF THAT'S NOT DRAGGING IT ACROSS

THE FINISH LINE, I DON'T KNOW

WHAT IS.

>> HE'S 50, NOT DEAD.

BESIDES, HE'S HANDSOME AND SEXY

IN HIS VERY STRAIGHT SORT OF

WAY.

>> SEE? THERE LIES THE IRONY.

YOU LOVE STRAIGHT MEN.

I LOVE GAY MEN.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

>> OH, PLEASE JUST LEAVE IT

ABOUT ME FOR ONE MINUTE.

>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

LET'S JUST SAY, FOR ARGUMENT'S

SAKE, THAT HE IS GAY.

WHAT'S YOUR GAME PLAN?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE WE'LL JUST HAVE DINNER AND

END UP BEING FRIENDS.

>> HONEY, YOU WANT MY ADVICE?

>> MM-HMM.

>> FRIENDS YOU HAVE.

IT'S A LOVER YOU NEED.

>> MM.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

OH, COME IN.

>> HI.

>> HI, SCHMUNIE.

>> OH. HI, PUNNIE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YOUR PURSE WAS RINGING.

>> OH, THANKS. YOU'RE A DOLL.

>> GRAB A GLASS.

>> OH, SORRY I TOOK SO LONG.

>> WHY DON'T I EVER HEAR THAT

WHEN WE'RE HAVING SEX?

>> SHUT UP.

AT LEAST YOU'RE HAVING SEX.

>> SO, YOU THINK HE'S EVER DONE

IT?

I MEAN, WITH A GUY?

>> ABSOLUTELY NOT.

>> REALLY?

>> NO.

WAIT. HAVE YOU DONE IT WITH A

GUY?

>> WELL, I MEAN, AS A KID, WE

ALL EXPERIMENTED.

>> I REST MY CASE.

>> WELL, EVEN STILL, THERE'S NO

SUCH THING AS SAFE SEX.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

THAT IS IF HE CAN EVEN STILL

HAVE SEX.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> WHAT? YOU DON'T THINK THE OLD

BIRD STILL HAS SOME JUICE?

>> YOU TWO ARE DISGUSTING. STOP.

I MEAN, I AM NOT WORRIED ABOUT

HIM GETTING IT UP PHYSICALLY.

I AM WORRIED ABOUT HIM GETTING

IT UP EMOTIONALLY.

>> RIGHT. EXACTLY.

THERE'S NO PILL FOR EMOTIONAL

UN-A-STAB-A-LILI-BILITY.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

WAIT. YOU THINK HE'S FOR REAL.

>> [ LAUGHS ] I DON'T KNOW.

BUT I'M GOING TO FIND OUT.

I'M GOING TO ASK HIM ON A DATE.

>> DO YOU THINK HE'S READY FOR

THAT?

>> I'M NOT SURE THAT HE'S READY

FOR ANYTHING, BUT I AM NOT GOING

TO PLAY FOOTSIES FOR ANOTHER

MONTH TO FIND OUT.

>> WELL, WHEN ARE YOU GONNA ASK

HIM?

>> TOMORROW.

>> FOR WHEN?

>> NEXT THURSDAY.

>> OH, I'M IN -- I'M IN NEW YORK

NEXT THURSDAY.

>> DING, DING, DING, DING, DING,

DING, DING!

>> OH, YOU'RE VICIOUS.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

YOU ARE VICIOUS.

>> OH.

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU.

>> LET'S GO, SCHMUN.

IT'S GETTING LATE.

>> OH, NO. NO, NO, NO.

>> WE HAVE TO GO.

>> OH. ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU FOR COMING OVER.

GOOD NIGHT, ANGEL.

MWAH! MWAH! MWAH!

>> I WANT NOTES.

OR TAKES NOTES, 'CAUSE I WANT

THE DETAILS.

>> I CAN'T FEEL MY LIPS.

MWAH! GOOD NIGHT.

>> GOOD NIGHT. OH, MY SHOES.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> DON'T WORRY -- I WILL CLEAN

UP.

>> OKAY. BYE.

>> THANK YOU.

>> [ SIGHS ]

>> [ SIGHS ]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> CHECKING OUT MR. STRAIGHT.

>> ROZ.

>> SHIT. THIS GUY'S A HEAVY

HITTER.

CHARITY PARTIES.

WOW. HE'S GOOD-LOOKING.

BENEFACTOR.

I GOT TO REMEMBER TO PUT HIM ON

THE MAILING LIST.

>> ROZ...COME TO BED.

>> I DON'T KNOW.

THIS GUY'S A SERIOUS SOCIALITE.

JUST, I DON'T GET IT.

>> WELL, ANDY IS A BIG BOY.

HE CAN HANDLE IT HIMSELF.

AND WHAT ABOUT YOU?

ANY LUCK WITH YOUR INTERVIEWS?

>> OH, NO. THEY'RE ALL HORRID.

I'M DOWN TO THE LAST ONE.

>> WELL, PERFECT.

YOU ONLY NEED ONE.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> GOOD NIGHT, SWEETHEART.

>> GOOD NIGHT.

>> GOOD MORNING.

>> MORNING.

>> COME ON, BUDDY.

>> BEEN HERE LONG?

>> NOT TOO LONG.

>> SO, PAUL --

>> ANDY --

>> OH, SORRY. YOU FIRST.

>> NO. NO, NO. PLEASE.

>> HOW ABOUT DINNER ON THURSDAY?

I-I KNOW IT'S SHORT NOTICE, SO

IF IT'S NOT OKAY OR --

>> YES.

I WOULD LIKE THAT.

>> REALLY? ARE -- ARE YOU SURE?

'CAUSE IT'S JUST DINNER, SO

IF -- IF YOU DON'T WANT TO DO

IT.

>> ANDY, YES.

I WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE TO HAVE

DINNER WITH YOU.

>> OH, OKAY.

GREAT.

>> WHEW! [ CHUCKLES ]

>> WHEW.

SORRY. I WAS TOTALLY PREPARED

FOR A "NO."

>> WHY?

>> I JUST DIDN'T EXPECT YOU TO

BE SO...

RECEPTIVE.

>> WELL, IT'S DINNER, RIGHT?

>> ABSOLUTELY.

>> OKAY.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

>> ANDY?

ANDY, ARE YOU HERE?

I THINK I LEFT MY BAG.

OH.

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

>> HI. IT'S ANDY.

CAN'T GET TO THE PHONE RIGHT

NOW, BUT LEAVE ME A MESSAGE,

AND I'LL GET BACK TO YOU AS

SOON AS I CAN.

[ BEEP ]

>> ANDY, ARE YOU THERE?

IT'S DEREK, OKAY?

AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY

YOU'RE NEVER HOME.

>> WHAT FUCKING PART OF "NEVER

CALL HERE AGAIN" DON'T YOU

UNDERSTAND?

[ Dial tone ]

HELLO?

I GUESS THAT WENT WELL.

>> I ALMOST FORGOT.

UH, I BROUGHT YOU A GIFT. HERE.

OPEN IT.

>> OH, OH. [ CHUCKLES ]

A BASEBALL CAP.

>> I THOUGHT IT WAS FUN.

IT SAYS "ROMA."

IT'S THE ITALIAN BASEBALL TEAM.

I FIGURED SINCE YOU'RE ITALIAN

AND ALL.

>> I GET IT.

YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T HAD A

BASEBALL CAP SINCE I PLAYED IN

HIGH SCHOOL.

>> I BET YOU WERE -- WHAT? -- A

PITCHER?

>> YES, YES. THAT'S RIGHT.

WELL, THIS IS VERY, VERY KIND,

ANDY.

THANK YOU.

>> AREN'T YOU GONNA TRY IT ON?

>> I'LL -- I'LL TRY IT ON LATER

AT HOME.

>> OH. YEAH, SURE. LATER.

>> OH, WELL, UM...

I HAVE A MASSAGE IN A HALF AN

HOUR.

VALENTINO. HE COMES ONCE A WEEK,

BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

RELIEVES THE TENSION, YOU KNOW.

>> I'M SURE.

>> AND -- AND I, UH, I WON'T SEE

YOU TOMORROW.

I, UH -- I HAVE A GOLF DATE.

>> WELL, HAVE A BALL.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> I'LL, UH...

I'LL SEE YOU ON MONDAY.

>> ALL RIGHT. YES.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

>> COME ON.

LET'S GO.

BYE.

>> SEE YA NEXT WEEK.

>> CLAIRE?

>> NO, IT'S ME, DEAR.

BUT I MIGHT AS WELL BE THE MAID,

BECAUSE I WALK IN, AND IT'S LIKE

SHE'S NEVER HERE.

AND THAT REFRIGERATOR IS A

LITTLE...

[ WHISTLES ]

...RIPE.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

>> OH, I HAD A LATE LUNCH IN THE

HOTEL, THOUGHT I'D STOP BY.

I SAW VALENTINO.

MY GOD, HAS HE EVER GOTTEN

CHUBBY.

OH, LISTEN, THE, UM...

THIS PACKAGE CAME FOR YOU.

>> SO, WHAT DID YOU ORDER FROM

VIDEO VILLAGE?

>> THAT'S A, UH, UH, EXERCISE

VIDEO.

>> OH, HOW ODD. STRANGE.

OH, BY THE WAY, I -- I-I SPOKE

TO IRENE.

PAUL? PAUL?

PAULIE?

PAUL, I'M TALKING --

>> EXCUSE ME.

THAT SIDE OF THE THRESHOLD,

PLEASE.

>> HMM.

PAUL...

I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE THIS

BASEBALL CAP.

[ CHUCKLES ]

IS THIS FOR BRIAN?

>> NO. THAT'S MINE, THANK YOU

VERY MUCH.

>> [ LAUGHS, SNORTS ]

THAT'S FUNNY.

>> WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

I CAN'T WEAR A DAMN BASEBALL

CAP?

>> OH, HONEY, PLEASE.

UNLESS YOU'RE STEVEN SPIELBERG

OR GOING BALD OR G-A-Y, NO

SELF-RESPECTING ELDERLY

GENTLEMAN WEARS A BASEBALL CAP.

>> I'M 55.

>> WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD GIVE

THAT TO BRIAN.

HMM?

>> AND MAYBE YOU SHOULD MIND

YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

>> OH, WELL, EXCUSE ME.

>> I'M SERIOUS, ELISE.

I DID NOT APPRECIATE THAT SETUP

WITH IRENE LAST NIGHT.

>> ALL RIGHT, JUST LISTEN TO ME,

PAULIE.

I LOVE YOU MADLY, BUT THIS IS

ENOUGH.

NOW, YOU CANNOT LIVE ALONE

FOREVER.

IT IS SIMPLY NOT PRACTICAL.

NOW, YOU NEED TO MARRY IRENE.

SHE IS VERY, VERY SWEET.

SHE HAS TERRIFIC STYLE.

EVERYBODY LOVES HER.

SHE'S PERFECT.

>> I DON'T LOVE IRENE.

>> WELL, THAT DOESN'T MATTER.

WHAT MATTERS IS YOU HAVE A

TERRIFIC, WONDERFUL COMPANION,

AND SHE'LL HAVE A GORGEOUS LIFE.

SEE? IT'S JUST A GREAT

ARRANGEMENT FOR EVERYONE.

>> ELISE, I SWEAR -- YOU ARE

CERTIFIABLY INSANE.

>> WHAT IS HAPPENING TO YOU,

PAUL?

HMM? WHAT?

BASEBALL CAPS AND EXERCISE

VIDEOS AND -- AND YOUR ATTITUDE.

WELL, FRANKLY, YOU KNOW, I FIND

THIS BEHAVIOR EXTREMELY

CONFUSING.

>> CONFUSING? WELL, THAT SEEMS

TO BE THE PREVAILING SENTIMENT.

>> I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

AND I AM JUST TELLING YOU RIGHT

NOW THAT IF YOU ARE EVEN

CONSIDERING HAVING SOME SORT OF

A MID-LIFE CRISIS, THEN I AM

GOING TO HAVE A FULL-BLOWN

NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.

>> IS THAT THE SAME NERVOUS

BREAKDOWN YOU'VE BEEN WORKING ON

FOR 25 YEARS?

>> THIS IS NOT A HAPPY FACE.

AND I WILL SEE MYSELF OUT, THANK

YOU.

AND DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT

CALLING ME.

DO YOU HEAR ME?

DON'T SEE ME OUT.

>> [ EXHALES DEEPLY ]

[ DIALING ]

[ Ringing ]

>> Hello?

>> HEY, HANDSOME.

>> ANDY. I'M SO GLAD YOU CALLED.

>> YEAH. DO YOU WANT TO COME

OVER?

>> NOW?

>> NOW.

>> WELL, YEAH, SURE.

I JUST...

I WAS GETTING THESE MIXED

SIGNALS, AND I --

>> DEREK, DO YOU WANT TO COME

OVER?

YES OR NO?

>> YES.

>> COME ON. GOOD GIRL.

GOOD GIRL!

GOOD MORNING.

>> HELLO.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

I SWEAR -- WASN'T NAILED DOWN,

SHE'D TRY TO EAT IT.

>> FEEL LIKE I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU

IN A WEEK.

>> OH. TRYING TO SAY YOU MISSED

MY COMPANY?

>> SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

>> HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?

>> NICE. QUIET.

HUNG OUT WITH ROZ.

OH, WE GABBED ABOUT THE OPENING

OF HER NEW SPACE.

SHE GOT AN ASSISTANT -- ZACK.

SO ONE LESS DRAMA.

>> GOOD.

>> REMIND ME TO GET YOU A KEY TO

THE GALLERY, BUT FIRST, GO TO

THE DISTRIBUTOR, PICK UP SIX

MORE BOXES OF TILE.

GET THE NAME FROM JOE.

HE'S THE CONTRACTOR.

>> I DON'T, YOU KNOW, CARRY

STUFF.

>> OH, WELL, TIP THE MEXICAN KID

AND HAVE HIM DO IT.

JUST GET THEM HERE.

STOP AT STARBUCKS ON YOUR WAY

BACK, GET ME A VENTI DECAF

FAT-FREE LATTE, WET, THEN PUT

THE BOXES IN THE BACK OF THE

GALLERY.

DO NOT STACK THEM.

WHAT DID I JUST SAY?

>> GET A GIANT-SIZED BUCKET OF

COLORED HOT WATER AND DON'T

STACK THE BOXES.

>> WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

A GOLD STAR?

I NEED YOU BACK HERE BY 11:00.

MOVE.

>> I MIGHT NEED MORE TIME.

>> OKAY, YEAH, YOU'VE BEEN HERE

FOR FIVE MINUTES.

YOU DON'T GET TO NEED. GO ON.

>> OH, SHE'LL BE --

>> IT'S OKAY. I'M GOOD.

>> HEY, WHAT DID YOU TELL HER?

>> THAT TIMMY WAS RUNNING

BEHIND.

SHE CAN CALL BACK IN A HALF

AN HOUR.

IT'S HIS SISTER.

>> WHAT? FAMILY?

NO, NO. FORGET IT.

WHEN WE'RE BUSY, FAMILY GETS

BUMPED.

SORRY.

YOU KNOW, I TELL THEM ALL THE

TIME -- NO FAMILY WHEN WE'RE

BUSY.

I MEAN, COME ON.

SO, HOW ARE YOU?

>> I AM GONNA HAVE A NERVOUS

BREAKDOWN.

>> OKAY. SO, WHAT ARE WE DOING?

>> UH, I JUST NEED A LITTLE

TOUCH-UP -- RIGHT THERE.

>> OKAY. SO, WHAT?

TROUBLE WITH ALBERT?

>> NO, NO, NO. AL'S FINE.

I MEAN, HE'S NEVER A PROBLEM.

>> SO, WHAT'S GOING ON?

>> WELL, I HAVE A LITTLE

SITUATION, AND I THOUGHT MAYBE

YOU COULD HELP.

>> SURE. I'M AN OPEN BOOK. TALK.

>> WELL, I ASSUME THAT YOU KNOW

SOME PEOPLE WHO ARE...

YOU KNOW, G-A-Y.

>> G-A...WHAT?

>> GAY, RUTHIE, GAY.

>> OH! OH, OH, OH. QUEER.

[ LAUGHS ]

I MEAN, HELLO? [ LAUGHS ]

>> YEAH, A LITTLE DISCRETION,

PLEASE.

>> OH, MY GOD! YOU'RE GAY?!

>> OH, CHRIST.

>> OH, MY GOD! THAT'S GREAT!

OH, I HAVE SOMEBODY FABULOUS FOR

YOU.

WHAT -- WHAT DO YOU LIKE?

UH, UH, UH, LIKE THE BUTCHY TYPE

OR DO YOU LIKE THE LIPSTICK

GIRLY-GIRL?

>> DO I LOOK GAY TO YOU, RUTHIE?

DO I?

>> OH. SORRY. THAT'S TOO BAD.

[ CHUCKLES ]

SO, WHO IS IT?

>> WELL, HE HASN'T EXACTLY TOLD

ME YET.

>> OKAY. SO, WHAT DO YOU GOT?

>> WELL, HE'S DISTANT, HE'S BEEN

PULLING AWAY, AND HE ISN'T

MARRIED, AND HE'S NOT A KID

ANYMORE.

>> IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?

>> HE'S AN ARTIST.

>> OKAY, NOW THAT'S SOMETHING.

>> YEAH.

YOU KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS SUSPECTED

EVER SINCE HE WAS A LITTLE BOY.

>> LISTEN, I CAN SAY THIS.

AS SURE AS I AM THAT THE SUN'S

GONNA SET IN THE EAST, THERE IS

ONLY ONE --

>> THE WEST, RUTHIE.

THE SUN SETS IN THE WEST.

>> REALLY?

HUH. OKAY.

WELL, YOU JUST GOT TO TALK TO

HIM AND TELL HIM IT'S OKAY.

>> WHAT? I CAN'T DO THAT.

GOD, I CAN'T CONDONE THIS.

WHAT? I'M SUPPOSED TO CALL HIM

UP AND SAY, "OH, HELLO, DARLING.

IF YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH

BOYS, IT'S FINE WITH MOMMY."

>> [ GASPS ] OH, MY GOD!

IT'S YOUR KID?!

YOUR KID IS GAY?!

OH, MY GOD! THAT IS FABULOUS.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> FIRST DIBS. I KNOW HE'S HOT.

>> OF COURSE YOU PEOPLE WOULD

THINK IT'S FABULOUS.

>> LISTEN, IT'S NOT UP TO HIM.

HE DOESN'T HAVE A CHOICE.

IT'S WHO HE IS, AND YOU HAVE TO

ACCEPT THAT.

>> UGH.

>> YOU EVER HEAR OF PFLAG?

>> NO. AND I DON'T THINK I LIKE

THE SOUND OF IT, EITHER.

>> NO, NO, NO.

IT'S FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOU, YOU

KNOW, PEOPLE WHO HAVE A FRIEND

OR A FAMILY MEMBER WHO'S GAY AND

THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL TO

DO.

>> OH.

>> THERE'S A MEETING TOMORROW

NIGHT AT THE CHURCH ACROSS THE

STREET.

IT'S ALWAYS AT...8:30.

>> WHAT IF SOMEBODY SEES ME?

>> WHO'S GONNA SEE YOU?

YOU WANT TO FIND OUT WHAT TO DO

OR YOU WANT TO HAVE A NERVOUS

BREAKDOWN?

>> GO WITH ME, RUTHIE. PLEASE?

>> OH, NO, NO. I CAN'T.

I GOT --

>> PLEASE, PLEASE, RUTHIE,

PLEASE.

>> [ SIGHS ] SHIT.

OKAY, OKAY.

I'LL WALK YOU OVER, BUT THAT'S

IT.

>> OKAY.

>> OKAY, MEET ME HERE AT 8:15,

ALL RIGHT?

>> HERE YOU GO. KEEP THE CHANGE.

THANK YOU. YOU ARE AN ANGEL.

OH, JESUS.

TOMORROW. [ SIGHS ]

>> MR. PAUL?

EVERYTHING'S ALL CLEAN NOW.

I'LL BE LEAVING NOW.

I'M GONNA TAKE THAT THING

DOWNSTAIRS AND HAVE THE BOY WALK

HER.

[ FUNK MUSIC PLAYING ]

>> MM, YEAH.

MM, YEAH.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

[ MAN MOANING ]

[ VOLUME INCREASES ]

[ FUNK MUSIC CONTINUES ]

>> HELLO, MR. GRECCO.

I BROUGHT THE MISSUS BACK FOR

YOU.

IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

>> ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU.

>> OH, VERY GOOD.

>> MISSY, YOU'RE GONNA SPEND A

LITTLE TIME IN THE KITCHEN.

[ FUNK MUSIC CONTINUES ]

>> OH. OH, YEAH.

[ MOANING ]

>> GIVE ME A CALL.

>> OH. UH, THANK YOU.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> OKAY.

>> NICE MEETING YOU.

ALL RIGHT, RAMBUNCTIOUS.

HERE YOU GO. SIT DOWN, BEHAVE.

COME ON.

[ CHUCKLES ]

OH! GOOD MORNING.

>> FINE. WHO WAS THAT?

>> THAT WAS SOME GUY WITH A

PUPPY.

>> JUST SOME GUY?

>> WITH A PUPPY.

SOMETHING WRONG?

>> WRONG? PSSH!

NO. IT'S JUST...

YOU KNOW, I COME HERE EVERY DAY,

SIT ON THIS BENCH AND CHAT WITH

YOU FOR A MONTH, AND NOW YOU'RE

BEING ALL COY WITH SOME GUY WITH

A PUPPY.

BUT IT'S FINE.

YOU SHOULD DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.

IT'S JUST ME BEING RIDICULOUS, I

GUESS.

>> THANK YOU.

>> THANK YOU?

>> DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT'S

BEEN ANYONE CARED THAT MUCH

ABOUT ME?

>> UGH. I FEEL LIKE SUCH A

WOMAN.

>> PLEASE, DON'T CONFUSE ME ANY

MORE THAN I ALREADY AM.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

THAT'S GOOD.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> OH, I WISH I COULD STAY, BUT

UNFORTUNATELY, I HAVE SUCH A

DAY.

>> WHAT'S GOING ON?

>> WELL, I HAVE A JOB DUE AT

NOON.

THEN I PROMISED ROZ I WOULD STOP

BY.

AND I'VE GOT THE MEETING

TONIGHT.

>> OH, RIGHT.

PFAG. TUESDAY NIGHT, RIGHT?

>> UH, FLAG.

IT'S PFLAG -- F-L-A-G -- UH, NOT

FAG.

>> PFLAG.

I STAND CORRECTED. SORRY.

I WAS GLAD TO SEE YOU TODAY.

>> ME TOO.

I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

LET'S GO, BEAN.

>> AH, SEE NOW?

THIS ONE IS REALLY STRONG.

>> YEAH, BUT THAT'S 26, AND

WE'RE MAXED OUT AT 24, UNLESS

YOU WANT TO DO SOME SMALLER

ONES.

I DON'T KNOW.

>> NO, NO. YOU'RE RIGHT.

WE NEED THE SCALE.

>> YEAH. ZACK!

CAN YOU MEASURE THE WALL FROM

HERE TO HERE, PLEASE?

>> I NEED A TAPE MEASURE.

>> MY GOD, YOU ARE SO NEEDY.

TOP DRAWER.

SORRY. OKAY, HOW ABOUT MAYBE

LOSING THESE TWO?

>> OH...GOD, IT'S SO HARD.

NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.

THESE TWO -- THEY'RE NOT AS

STRONG.

>> WOULD YOU LIKE THAT IN METRIC

OR U.S. STANDARD?

>> JUST MEASURE IT.

ALL RIGHT, SO, MAYBE IF IT FITS.

I THINK WE SHOULD DO THIS ONE ON

THE MAIN WALL.

>> I LOVE THE IDEA OF HAVING ONE

REALLY HUGE PIECE.

>> I COULDN'T AGREE MORE.

>> HEY, ZACK.

>> HI.

>> ANDY.

>> I HOPE I'M NOT INTERRUPTING.

>> NO. THIS IS MY VERY BEST

FRIEND, ANDY.

ANDY, BRIAN BURNS.

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]

>> OH, WASN'T EXPECTING THAT.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> I'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.

>> OH. WELL --

>> ZACK, YOU'RE -- YOU'RE DOING

IT ALL WRONG.

EXCU-- EXCUSE ME. [ CHUCKLES ]

>> I HEARD THAT YOUR WORK IS

BRILLIANT.

>> WELL...

>> MAY I?

>> YEAH.

>> ONLY SHOW HIM THE ONE FOR THE

MAIN WALL.

I WANT THE SHOW TO BE FRESH.

>> OH. I LOVE IT.

IF I HAD THE ROOM, I'D BUY IT

LIKE THAT.

>> DID SOMEBODY JUST SAY "FAT"?

>> [ CHUCKLES ] UH, THANKS.

I JUST -- I'M REALLY NERVOUS

ABOUT THE SHOW, SO...

>> OH, DON'T BE.

ROZ IS FABULOUS. SHE'S THE BEST.

>> OF COURSE I AM.

THE SHOW WILL BE EQUALLY AS

FABULOUS.

>> AND YOU DON'T THINK THERE'S

GONNA BE A PROBLEM GETTING AN

ADDITIONAL PROOF FOR FRIDAY?

IT'S A GIFT.

>> MAYBE LATER IN THE DAY?

WHERE ARE YOU GONNA BE?

>> UH, I'LL TEXT YOU.

>> PERFECT.

>> ANDY, IT WAS A PLEASURE

MEETING YOU.

ZACK, NICE MEETING YOU.

>> IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU, TOO.

>> SO? WHAT DO YOU THINK?

>> I GOT TO GO.

IT'S MY TURN TO PICK UP SNACKS

FOR THE MEETING.

OH, DID YOU WANT TO COME?

>> NO, I'M GONNA HANG BACK AND

WATCH ANDERSON COOPER.

>> WOULD YOU MIND WALKING BEAN?

>> NO PROBLEM.

>> I LOVE YOU.

>> LOVE YOU MORE.

>> CAN'T YOU JUST COME IN WITH

ME FOR JUST A MINUTE?

>> I TOLD YOU I'D WALK YOU HERE.

>> [ SIGHS ]

>> NO, I GOT PLANS, ELISE.

GO ON IN.

NOBODY'S GONNA BITE YOU.

>> OH, MY GOD.

ALL RIGHT, I CAN'T DO THIS.

I-I AM GONNA REALLY HAVE A

NERVOUS BREAKDOWN RIGHT HERE,

RIGHT NOW.

[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]

>> HI. UH, MY NAME'S ANDY.

CAN I HELP?

>> YES.

>> NO.

>> MY FRIEND HERE -- SHE'S A

LITTLE NERVOUS, YOU KNOW?

>> WELL, THERE'S NOTHING TO BE

NERVOUS ABOUT.

>> NO.

>> WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

>> UH...MARY.

>> [ CHUCKLES ] SHE'S ALL YOURS.

>> UH, SO, MARY, CAN I SHOW YOU

IN?

>> UH, YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

I-I DON'T THINK I'M -- I'M

REALLY READY FOR THIS.

I THINK I'LL JUST COME BACK NEXT

WEEK.

>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO IN.

WE COULD JUST SIT ON THE STEP

HERE AND CHAT FOR A WHILE, OKAY?

>> WELL, I-I-I CAN'T STAY LONG.

>> THAT'S OKAY.

>> THANK YOU.

IT'S MY SON...

ROBERT.

>> OKAY.

>> WELL, HE'S ALWAYS BEEN

DIFFERENT.

HE'S SWEET AND KIND AND GENTLE.

AND CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S MINE.

I GUESS I'VE ALWAYS SUSPECTED

THAT HE WAS...

YOU KNOW...

>> GAY?

>> I FEAR SO.

>> HAVE YOU EVER DISCUSSED THIS

WITH HIM?

>> GOD NO.

I COULD NEVER DO THAT.

>> WELL, HAS HE EVER TOLD YOU

THAT HE'S GAY?

>> NO. HE DOESN'T HAVE TO.

A MOTHER CAN SENSE THESE THINGS.

>> WELL, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

IT'S A GOOD PLACE TO START.

>> MM.

>> I WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOU FOR

THAT.

>> I GUESS I'M NEVER GONNA HAVE

GRANDCHILDREN.

>> HEY, MARY.

DON'T YOU LOOK HOT.

>> [ CHUCKLES ] HI, TED.

IT'S NOT YOU.

>> OH, NO. OF COURSE.

I-I DIDN'T THINK THAT ANYONE

HERE WOULD CONSIDER ME HOT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I MEAN, DO YOU?

>> WELL, NO.

I-I THINK YOU'RE LOVELY.

LET'S GET BACK TO ROBERT.

>> WHO?

>> YOUR SON.

>> OH, YES, YES, ROBERT. YES.

>> MARY, THE FACT THAT ROBERT IS

GAY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

IT'S NOT ANYTHING YOU DID.

IT'S SIMPLY THE WAY HE IS.

>> YEAH, BUT I FIND THAT SO VERY

HARD TO -- TO BELIEVE, BECAUSE,

YOU SEE, WE NEVER HAD ANY OF...

YOUR KIND IN OUR FAMILY --

NEVER.

>> YOU CAN'T EVEN SAY IT, CAN

YOU?

>> WELL, OF COURSE I CAN.

>> THEN SAY IT?

>> BUT THIS IS JUST SILLY.

>> SAY IT.

>> ALL RIGHT. G-A-Y. GAY.

ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

>> I'M OVERJOYED.

MARY, IT'S IMPORTANT THAT YOU

KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT

RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY OF THIS.

>> REALLY?

YOU REALLY DON'T THINK THIS IS

MY FAULT?

>> TELL ME SOME OF ROBERT'S

SHORTCOMINGS.

>> WELL, UM...

HE DOESN'T CALL ME, LIKE, HARDLY

EVER.

>> MM.

>> AND HE IS NOT RESPECTFUL.

>> NOW, THAT -- THAT IS YOUR

FAULT.

>> THAT'S NOT A VERY NICE THING

TO SAY.

>> WELL, I'M NOT BEING NICE.

I'M BEING HONEST.

ISN'T THAT WHY YOU'RE HERE?

>> SEE, NOW, THAT CLEVER THING

THAT YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW --

THAT SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE HIM,

AND THAT REALLY PISSES ME OFF.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> IT DOES. IT'S SMART-ASS.

>> [ Laughing ] I'M SORRY.

I WOULD HAVE HAD YOU PEGGED AT

50, MAX.

>> NO, NO, NO.

IT'S TRUE. IT'S TRUE.

I'M TELLING YOU -- IT IS BOTOX.

IT IS UNBELIEVABLE.

I-I -- IT'S LIKE A MIRACLE.

AND YOU ONLY HAVE TO DO IT IN

THREE LITTLE PLACES, LIKE HERE,

HERE, AND HERE.

AND YOU JUST GET THIS KIND OF

HAPPY, RELAXED --

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> WHAT?

>> YOU LOOK LIKE CONNIE CHUNG.

>> WELL, SHE'S VERY ATTRACTIVE.

BUT THIS IS A SLIGHT

EXAGGERATION.

I'M TELLING YOU -- SOMEDAY, YOU

ARE GONNA BE SAYING, "THANK YOU

SO MUCH...MARY, FOR THAT LITTLE

TIP."

>> OH, WOW.

THE MEETING'S ALMOST OVER.

>> OH.

>> OH.

>> OH, LOOK, I-I'M SURE THAT YOU

THINK THAT I'M TERRIBLY

OLD-FASHIONED IN MY THINKING.

AND YOU WERE SO SWEET TO SIT

HERE AND TALK TO ME ALL NIGHT.

IT REALLY HELPED ME.

>> I'M GLAD.

AND IF I'M HONEST, I REALLY

ENJOYED TALKING WITH YOU, TOO.

>> OH, I'M SO GLAD.

>> SO, HEY, WE HAVE -- DO THIS

AGAIN NEXT WEEK?

>> IT IS A DATE.

>> GOOD MORNING.

>> OH. YOU'RE EARLY.

>> OH, WELL, ROZ WALKS BEAN ON

TUESDAY NIGHTS -- YOU KNOW,

PFLAG.

SO HE WAS A LITTLE ANTSY THIS

MORNING.

OH, BUT I WOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING

TO HER.

SHE'S GOT SO MUCH ON HER PLATE,

WITH THE SHOW AND ALL.

>> HOW'S THAT COMING ALONG?

>> I WAS AT THE SPACE YESTERDAY.

IT LOOKS REALLY GOOD. YEAH.

I MET THE ARTIST.

HE'S A CUTE KID.

I THINK IT'S GONNA BE A REALLY

SUCCESSFUL SHOW.

I KNOW YOU KNOW THE BUILDING,

BUT I WROTE DOWN MY APARTMENT

NUMBER AND MY PHONE NUMBER, YOU

KNOW, JUST IN CASE OF

EMERGENCIES.

>> 7:00 P.M.?

>> 7:00 IT IS. I GOT TO GO.

TOMORROW.

>> TOMORROW.

>> COME ON, BEAN.

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

>> WELL, HELLO, ELISE, DEAR.

>> Oh. You didn't look at the

phone and say, "Uh-oh, it's

Elise.

Don't answer."

>> NOPE, NOT THIS TIME.

>> PAULIE, I REALLY MISS YOU.

GOD, SO MUCH IS GOING ON RIGHT

NOW.

I-I know that I always say that,

but -- but this is just...

IT'S A VERY EMOTIONAL TIME FOR

ME.

BUT, UM...I THINK THAT I'M

FINALLY STARTING TO COME TO

TERMS WITH MY SON.

And I want to tell him on his

birthday.

LOOK, I'M NOT SAYING THAT I

APPROVE OF ANY OF THIS, BUT...

WELL, I'M TRYING TO ACCEPT HIM

FOR WHO HE IS.

I MEAN, THAT'S ALL I CAN DO

RIGHT NOW, RIGHT?

>> EVEN AS AN ARTIST?

>> THAT TOO.

PAULIE, I...

I DON'T WANT TO LOSE BRIAN.

And I'm riding on some advice

right now that I think is

probably right.

YOU KNOW, AS MUCH AS I WANT TO,

I CANNOT CHANGE THE BOY.

I MEAN, HE IS WHO HE IS.

>> I'M PROUD OF YOU, ELISE.

THAT'S A WONDERFUL BIRTHDAY

GIFT.

>> OKAY, I'M HAVING A NERVOUS

BREAKDOWN JUST THINKING ABOUT

IT.

>> THEN DON'T THINK ABOUT IT.

He's your son.

You'll understand each other.

>> I HOPE SO. WE NEVER HAVE.

BUT OKAY. OKAY, PAULIE.

SO, I'LL SEE YOU SATURDAY?

>> YEP. I'LL SEE YOU THEN.

GOODBYE, SIS.

>> NIGHT.

[ BEEP ]

[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> ♪ GOOD THINGS DON'T ALWAYS

COME KNOCKING AT YOUR DOOR ♪

♪ GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO

WANT TO SHARE IT WITH THAT

SOMEONE ♪

♪ DON'T YOU

♪ DON'T YOU

♪ WANT TO COME ALONG?

♪ ONE DAY

♪ ONE DAY

♪ IT'S HERE, AND ANOTHER,

IT'S GONE ♪

♪ NO-NO-NO-NO, NO-NO, NO-NO

♪ NO-NO-NO-NO, NO-NO, NO-NO

♪ COME ALONG, COME ALONG

♪ COME ALONG, COME ALONG

♪ COME ALONG, COME ALONG

♪ COME ALONG, COME ALONG

♪ 'CAUSE I BELIEVE

♪ I KNOW I WILL FIND IT

♪ ALL I NEED

♪ IS WRITTEN WITHIN ME

♪ I WAS ONLY ASKING IF YOU'D

RIDE WITH ME ♪

♪ THROUGH THIS THING CALLED

LIFE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I BELIEVE

♪ I KNOW I WILL FIND IT

♪ ALL I NEED

♪ IS WRITTEN WITHIN ME

♪ I WAS ONLY ASKING IF YOU'D

RIDE WITH ME ♪

♪ THROUGH THIS THING CALLED

LIFE ♪

♪ I WAS ONLY ASKING IF YOU'D

RIDE WITH ME ♪

♪ THROUGH THIS THING CALLED

LIFE ♪

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

>> WHO IS IT, BEAN? COME ON.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> YOU'RE RIGHT ON TIME.

>> SEE? NO EMERGENCIES.

>> HEY. SAY "HEY," BEAN.

[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]

WELL, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

COME IN.

>> THANKS.

THIS IS LOVELY.

DID YOU DECORATE YOURSELF?

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF, NOT

ALL GAY MEN ARE DECORATORS.

I HAD HELP.

ROZ HAS FABULOUS TASTE.

>> IT'S A NICE JOB.

IT'S WARM...LIKE YOU.

>> UH, I WAS THINKING WE COULD

SIT HERE IN THE LIVING ROOM AND

HAVE SOME WINE AND JUST CHAT FOR

A WHILE.

IS RED OKAY?

>> PERFECT.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> THANK YOU.

>> TO FRIENDS.

>> TO NEW {end-italic} FRIENDS.

IT'S A VERY NICE MERLOT.

>> THANK YOU.

>> [ SNIFFS ]

CALIFORNIA?

>> YES.

>> 1998?

>> OKAY, NOW, THAT'S JUST SCARY.

>> I WOULD MATANZAS CREEK AND

LET YOU THINK I'M A CONNOISSEUR,

BUT TRUTHFULLY, I KNOW THE

LABEL.

>> WELL, IF YOU KNEW FROM THE

BACK OF THE LABEL, IN MY WORLD,

YOU ARE A CONNOISSEUR.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> DID YOU HAVE A NICE DAY?

>> I DID.

UM, MY HOUSEKEEPER AND I ARE

PREPARING FOR MY NEPHEW'S

BIRTHDAY BRUNCH.

IT'S KIND OF A FAMILY TRADITION.

>> OH, THAT'S SWEET.

>> HE IS A LITTLE NERVOUS ABOUT

SEEING HIS MOTHER, THOUGH.

>> UH-HUH. YOUR SISTER, ELISE.

>> SHE'S NOT A BAD PERSON,

REALLY.

SHE'S JUST VERY CONSERVATIVE.

SOCIALLY ASTUTE.

>> UH, YOU MEAN UPTIGHT?

>> MM. YES, I SUPPOSE.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> THOUGH I HAD A STRANGE

CONVERSATION WITH HER YESTERDAY.

IT SEEMS LIKE SHE'S FINALLY

WILLING TO ACCEPT THAT HER SON

IS NEVER, EVER GOING TO BE A

LAWYER.

HE'S NOTHING LIKE HER AT ALL.

>> WELL...THAT'S BIG OF HER.

>> YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> A WORD OF WARNING.

>> HMM?

>> I ACTUALLY LEFT THE, UH...

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> THINGS GOT A LITTLE...

>> [ LAUGHS ]

THINGS GOT A LITTLE TENSE.

>> MM-HMM.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> ARE YOU LIKING THE --

>> THIS IS MY SECOND COURSE,

AND, YES, I'M LOVING IT.

>> ...STORY.

>> IT'S DEFINITELY A BAD STORY.

>> AMAZING. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU

HAD THAT MUCH TO EAT TONIGHT.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> GREAT FIRST DATE.

I WON'T LIE.

>> YEAH? JUST LIKE REHAB AND

PREGNANCY.

>> WELL, ON DAY TWO, I'LL TELL

YOU ABOUT MY REHAB, AND THAT'LL

BE FUN.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

>> SO AM I.

CAN WE GO TO THE BEDROOM?

>> ARE YOU READY FOR THAT?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

BUT I'VE BEEN STUDYING.

>> HEY.

>> OH, HEY.

>> WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

>> OH, I-I'VE GOT TO GET HOME.

I'LL SEE YOU AT THE PARK, ALL

RIGHT?

>> I'LL LET YOU OUT.

>> NO, NO, NO.

I'LL LET MYSELF OUT.

JUST GO BACK TO SLEEP.

[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]

[ SIGHS ]

[ SIGHS ]

>> HEY, THERE, COWBOY.

>> HEY -- UH.

PLEASE.

NOT IN PUBLIC.

>> I'M SORRY.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO BE FORWARD.

WAS THAT -- WAS THAT AWKWARD?

>> INDEED, IT WAS.

>> OKAY.

HEY, LOOK, YOU KNOW WHAT?

THERE'S NO RUSH.

WE CAN TAKE SOME TIME.

WE CAN LET THINGS SETTLE A BIT,

YOU KNOW?

>> LOOK, ANDY...

I'M NOT SURE THIS WAS SUCH A

GOOD IDEA.

>> OH, MY GOD.

SO IS THIS WHERE YOU TELL ME

THAT LAST NIGHT WAS ALL A

MISTAKE?

>> NO, NO. IT'S N--

IT'S NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL.

>> OKAY.

SO THEN...?

WHAT IS IT LIKE?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

[ STAMMERS ]

ANDY, I'M JUST -- I'M NOT SURE

ABOUT ALL THIS.

>> WELL, YOU DIDN'T SEEM TOO

UNSURE LAST NIGHT WHEN YOU WERE

FUCKING ME.

>> HEY. Shh!

ANDY, I-I'M SORRY.

I'M JUST NOT READY.

>> MM.

BUT YOU WERE...READY TO SEE WHAT

IT WAS LIKE?

AH, BUT NOW THAT YOU KNOW WHAT

IT'S LIKE, YOU'RE NOT READY TO

WHAT?

BE A FAG LIKE ME?

>> THAT'S A LITTLE HARSH, ANDY.

>> HARSH?

>> YES.

>> YOU USED ME.

AND NOW YOU'RE TREATING ME LIKE

I'M DISPOSABLE, LIKE A-A-A-A

T-TISSUE.

>> NO. NO.

I WOULD NEVER TREAT YOU LIKE

THAT.

>> WELL, IT CERTAINLY FEELS THAT

WAY.

PAUL, WE HAVE FUN.

WE LAUGH TOGETHER.

AND I WOULD SAY THAT WE

CERTAINLY HAVE QUITE A BIT OF

PASSION.

>> THAT'S TRUE.

>> SO, THEN WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

>> I'M NOT READY TO WEAR A

BASEBALL CAP.

OR KISS YOU IN PUBLIC, OKAY?

>> WELL, THEN, UH...AND THAT IS

A PROBLEM.

BECAUSE YOU DON'T GET TO PICK

AND CHOOSE THE PARTS OF THIS

RELATIONSHIP THAT DON'T MAKE YOU

UNCOMFORTABLE, PAUL.

>> WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

THIS IS AN ALL-OR-NOTHING

PROPOSITION, IS THAT IT?

>> YES.

>> WELL, ANDY, MAYBE WE CAN'T

HAVE IT ALL.

>> AND MAYBE WE ALREADY DO.

BUT MAYBE YOU JUST CAN'T ACCEPT

THAT.

>> YEAH, WELL, MAYBE SOMEDAY I

WILL.

>> WELL, WHEN THAT SOMEDAY IS

HERE...

WHEN YOU CAN ACCEPT WHO YOU ARE

AND YOUR FEELINGS FOR ME...

WHEN YOU CAN {end-italic} PUT ON A BASEBALL

CAP AND KISS ME IN BROAD

DAYLIGHT...

THEN YOU COME FIND ME.

>> [ SIGHS ]

[ SIGHS ]

>> AND THAT'S HOW YOU LEFT IT?

>> YUP.

>> AND YOU HAVEN'T HEARD FROM

HIM?

>> NOT A PEEP.

>> [ SIGHS ] WOW.

I MEAN, MAYBE HE'S JUST TAKING

SOME TIME.

>> HIS ENGAGEMENT LASTED FIVE

YEARS.

>> I KNEW IT.

I TOLD YOU SO.

>> YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT.

FAT.

>> [ GASPS ]

>> FAT. FAT. FAT!

>> YOU TAKE IT BACK.

>> I TAKE IT BACK.

>> LOOK, HONEY, I JUST -- I CARE

ABOUT YOU, AND THIS IS EXACTLY

WHAT I WAS AFRAID WOULD HAPPEN.

>> OH, I'M SORRY.

I JUST --

>> [ SIGHS ]

>> I'M EXHAUSTED.

I'M PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY

EXHAUSTED.

AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

I DIDN'T COME ON TOO STRONG.

I DIDN'T SMOTHER HIM.

I DIDN'T PRESSURE HIM.

HE JUST FUCKED ME.

>> WELL, I MEAN, HE DIDN'T

REALLY FUCK YOU.

>> YEAH.

>> [ LAUGHS ] WAIT A MINUTE.

WHEN YOU SAY HE FUCKED YOU, DO

YOU MEAN THAT HE FUCKED YOU,

LIKE LITERALLY, OR HE JUST

FUCKED YOU?

>> BOTH.

>> [ GASPS ]

I THOUGHT THAT YOU WEREN'T GONNA

GO THERE.

>> YOU?

I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA SHARE A

BOWL OF SPAGHETTI, MAYBE GET A

PECK ON THE CHEEK.

HE THREW HIMSELF AT ME, I SWEAR.

>> AND NOW HE'S PULLING BACK.

>> TOTALLY.

>> WELL, CONSIDERING THE

CIRCUMSTANCES, I'D SAY YOU'RE

FUCKED.

>> [ SIGHS ]

YOU THINK?

SO, NOW WHAT?

>> NOW YOU'RE GONNA FORGET ABOUT

HIM, OKAY?

AND IT'S B-BETTER THAT YOU FOUND

OUT SOONER RATHER THAN LATER.

>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> LOOK.

TOMORROW, WE'LL GO PICK UP THE

PAINTING AT THE GALLERY, AND

THEN I'LL TAKE YOU TO A DECADENT

CHAMPAGNE BRUNCH ON ME.

>> WE'LL SEE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> I BET ARTIST BOY'S LOOKING

PRETTY GOOD NOW, HUH?

>> PLEASE.

I'M SITTING SHIVAH TODAY, OKAY?

>> [ LAUGHS ]

WELL, HOW ABOUT I GIVE YOU TILL

SUNRISE?

11:00 SHARP.

MEET ME AT THE GALLERY, AND

WE'LL WALK THE CANVAS OVER

TOGETHER, OKAY?

>> SURE.

>> OKAY.

>> HEY.

WILL YOU JUST -- WILL YOU SIT

WITH ME FOR JUST A LITTLE WHILE?

>> YOU BET.

>> [ CRIES ]

>> IT'S OKAY.

>> OH.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> AHH.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

>> WELL, I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR

YOU.

>> A SURPRISE ON YOUR {end-italic} BIRTHDAY?

>> MM.

CALL ME UNCONVENTIONAL.

I'M GONNA WAIT FOR MOTHER.

IT'S A SURPRISE.

>> AND YOU KNOW HOW MUCH YOUR

MOTHER LOVES {end-italic} SURPRISES.

ACTUALLY, I'D LIKE TO TALK TO

YOU ABOUT YOUR MOTHER.

>> I BROUGHT THE MOST GORGEOUS

CAS--

DARLING. [ LAUGHS ]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

I'M -- ALBERT, BRIAN'S IN HERE!

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> YOU LOOK PERFECT.

>> OH.

>> HELLO, SON.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

>> WE DIDN'T EVEN HEAR THE DOOR.

>> WELL, I USED MY KEY, HMM?

>> CELERY AND OLIVES.

>> MMM.

>> AND MISS ELISE'S BIG NUTS.

>> OH, THEY ARE DIVINE.

>> BRUNCH WILL BE SERVED IN

20 MINUTES.

>> [ SIGHS ]

>> THANK YOU.

>> BRIAN, IT IS SO GOOD TO SEE

YOU.

AND THAT'S A VERY INTERESTING

SHIRT YOU'RE WEARING.

>> OH, THANKS.

IT'S RUFFLES AND PLEATS.

THEY'RE REALLY HOT AGAIN THIS

YEAR.

>> OH! FOR MEN, TOO?

OH. HOW INTERESTING.

>> [ SIGHS ]

>> REMIND ME AGAIN WHY I'M DOING

THIS BLUE-COLLAR BULLSHIT.

>> I TOLD YOU.

ZACK DOESN'T CARRY THINGS.

NOW, DON'T COMPLAIN.

I'M DOING THIS IN FOUR-INCH

FUCKING HEELS.

CAREFUL.

LIFT.

>> O.M.G. STOP.

>> W.T.F.?

>> DEREK. 11:00.

JUST DON'T MOVE.

>> HONEY, I ALREADY BLEW HIM OFF

FOR YOU FOR REAL.

>> UNFORTUNATELY, SO DID I.

>> YOU FILTHY WHORE.

>> OH, FORGET IT.

IT'S CLEAR. LET'S GO.

OH! WAIT.

>> I'M GONNA KILL YOU.

>> ARE WE GOING TO THE

RITTENHOUSE?

>> YEAH. SO?

>> NO!

NO! PAUL LIVES THERE.

>> OH, COME ON.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE LIVE

THERE?

WHAT ARE THE CHANCES YOU'RE

GONNA RUN INTO HIM IN THE

ELEVATOR?

>> ALL RIGHT, FINE.

BUT LET'S HURRY UP, AND WE DROP

IT AT THE FRONT DESK.

>> MAYBE NOT.

>> YOU KNOW I ONLY DO THIS

'CAUSE I LOVE YOU.

>> I LOVE YOU, TOO.

>> SO, BRIAN, UM, TELL US WHAT

YOU'VE BEEN DOING.

YOU KNOW, PAUL TELLS ME THAT --

THAT YOU'RE WORKING ON A SHOW.

WE HEAR SO LITTLE FROM YOU THESE

DAYS.

>> WELL, IT'S ALL TRUE.

I'VE BEEN WORKING ON A SHOW NOW

FOR...WOW, SIX MONTHS.

BUT IT'S PRETTY MUCH ALL DONE.

>> AND DOES THIS SHOW HAVE SOME

SORT OF A-A THEME?

[ INHALES DEEPLY ]

WAS THERE SOMETHING OR...YOU

KNOW...SOMEONE WHO INSPIRED YOU?

>> YES, IN FACT, SOMEONE HAS.

YOU, MOTHER.

>> OH, JESUS.

>> ME?

>> WELL, I'VE BEEN THINKING A

LOT ABOUT MY LIFE.

HOW I GOT HERE.

AND...I REMEMBER WHEN YOU GAVE

ME MY VERY FIRST CAMERA AT MY

15th BIRTHDAY.

DO YOU REMEMBER?

>> LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY.

I THINK YOU ACTUALLY SLEPT WITH

IT.

>> DO YOU REMEMBER THE TIME THAT

YOU WENT TO THAT RED PARTY IN

THE BLACK DRESS?

AND YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T BE

CAUGHT DEAD IN RED AND THAT

PEOPLE WERE JUST GONNA HAVE TO

ACCEPT YOU AS YOU ARE OR THEY

COULD JUST GO TO HELL.

>> YES, YES, I REMEMBER THAT.

BUT I STILL BELIEVE THAT RED

SHOULD ONLY BE USED AS AN ACCENT

COLOR.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> MAY I HELP YOU?

>> [ GRUNTS ]

DELIVERY FOR BRIAN BURNS.

>> OH, YES. HE'S EXPECTING YOU.

NUMBER 3406.

>> LET'S JUST LEAVE IT HERE.

>> ABSOLUTELY NOT.

THANK YOU.

>> SO, YOU SEE, MOTHER, I REALLY

OWE A GREAT DEAL OF WHO I AM TO

YOU.

>> [ CLICKS TONGUE ]

BRIAN, I HAVE SOMETHING THAT I

NEED TO SAY TO YOU.

[ SIGHS ]

UH, I KNOW THAT THINGS HAVE BEEN

STRAINED BETWEEN YOU AND ME

FOR -- FOR QUITE A WHILE NOW,

AND THAT I HAVE, UM, PROBABLY

BEEN -- WELL, TRUTH IS, I HAVE

BEEN LESS THAN ACCEPTING ABOUT

YOUR CAREER CHOICE AND...YOU

KNOW...LIFESTYLE.

>> MR. BRIAN, YOU HAVE A

DELIVERY.

>> YOU KNOW, WAIT.

HOLD THAT THOUGHT.

UH, EXCELLENT!

UH...

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

I HAVE A TIMELY SURPRISE.

CLAIRE, SHOW THEM IN.

>> COME ON IN. GO THAT WAY.

>> OKAY. THANK YOU.

>> MM-HMM. THAT WAY NOW.

>> THIS WAY?

>> THAT {end-italic} WAY.

>> OH, OKAY.

OKAY.

HELLO, BRIAN.

WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE THIS?

>> THERE.

>> MARY?

>> WHAT?

>> ANDY?

>> PAUL?

>> WHO'S MARY?

>> ME.

I-I-IT'S ELISE.

>> SO, I SUPPOSE THIS IS ROBERT?

>> WHO'S ROBERT?

>> HI, BRIAN.

>> ELISE, HOW THE HELL DO YOU

KNOW ANDY?

>> WELL, FROM THE FRIENDS AND

FAMILY OF THE GAYS' GROUP.

I JUST -- I'M REALLY TRYING TO

BE, YOU KNOW, MORE ACCEPTING.

>> YOU ARE?

I MEAN -- YOU KNEW?

>> Well, you know, I suspected.

AND NOW I'M JUST TRYING TO GET

MY HEAD AROUND THIS WHOLE, YOU

KNOW...GAY THING.

LOOK, BRIAN, I JUST -- I DON'T

WANT TO LOSE YOU.

>> WHAT?

I'M NOT GAY.

>> YOU'RE NOT?

>> YOU'RE NOT GAY?

I MEAN, OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT

GAY.

>> I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!

I KNEW IT!

I MEAN, OF COURSE, WE DON'T HAVE

A GAY GENE IN OUR FAMILY.

WELL, THAT WAS A TOTAL WASTE OF

TIME, WASN'T IT?

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> PAUL?

>> DON'T MOVE.

>> RUH-ROH.

>> [ SIGHS ]

>> PAUL, YOU LOOK COMPLETELY

RIDICULOUS.

NOW, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?

>> PRIDE, ELISE.

AFTER 55 FUCKING YEARS.

>> YOU'VE PRESERVED WELL.

>> I WAS A TERRIBLE JERK

YESTERDAY, ANDY.

>> THAT'S TRUE.

>> BUT I FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT.

RIGHT THEN, WHEN YOU WALKED IN

THE DOOR.

THE ONLY THING STANDING BETWEEN

ME AND HAVING IT ALL, HAVING THE

THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY...

IS MYSELF.

YOU MAKE ME HAPPY, ANDY.

AND I'M NOT STANDING IN THE WAY

ANYMORE.

>> PAUL.

>> NOW, I KNOW THIS ISN'T

EXACTLY DAYLIGHT...

BUT IF I KISS YOU RIGHT NOW

RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF ALL THESE

PEOPLE...

WOULD IT COUNT?

>> ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY.

>> OH, MY GOD! OKAY, THAT'S IT!

THAT'S IT!

I AM HAVING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN

RIGHT NOW, RIGHT HERE!

>> Both: HAVE IT, ALREADY!

[ NADIA ALI'S "LOVE STORY"

PLAYS ]

>> ♪ LA DA DA

♪ LA DA DA

>> ALL THOSE SUITS, SHIRTS,

TIES, ALL THOSE THINGS I THOUGHT

I NEEDED TO BE HAPPY.

>> ♪ LA DA DA DA DA

>> NO.

WHAT REALLY MAKES HAPPY ISN'T

ALL THOSE THINGS.

IT'S WHAT I HAVE RIGHT HERE.

AIN'T LIFE GRAND?

>> ♪ IF YOU ASK ME, I WILL SAY

IT ♪

♪ YOU MAKE ME SMILE

♪ IT'S CONTAGIOUS

♪ AND IN YOUR EYES, I CAN SEE

IT ♪

♪ 'CAUSE YOUR HEART IS THE

GREATEST ♪

♪ AND I CAN'T BE WITHOUT YOU

♪ SO DON'T GO ANYWHERE

♪ YOU SHOW ME LOVE LIKE NO ONE

ELSE HAS DONE YET ♪

♪ AND WITH THE ROAD AHEAD

♪ THIS IS A BEGINNING OF THIS

LOVE STORY ♪

♪ OF THIS LOVE STORY

♪ LA DA DA

♪ LA DA DA DA DA DA DA

♪ LA DA DA

♪ LA DA DA DA DA DA DA

♪ LA DA DA

♪ LA DA DA DA DA DA DA

♪ LA DA DA

♪ LA DA DA DA DA DA DA

>> ♪ OH, OH, OH

♪ OH, OH, OH, LA DA

♪ OH, OH, OH

♪ OH, OH, OH, LA DA

♪ OH, OH, OH

♪ OH, OH, OH, LA DA

♪ OH, OH, OH

>> ♪ WHEN I'M WITH YOU, I AM

TAKEN ♪

♪ WITH THE FEELING THAT YOU'VE

BEEN CHOSEN ♪

♪ WHAT A LONGING

♪ IT'S THE BEST THING

♪ IN A LONG TIME I'M NOT

BROKEN ♪

♪ YEAH

♪ AND I CAN'T BE WITHOUT YOU

♪ SO DON'T GO ANYWHERE

>> ♪ ANYWHERE

>> ♪ YOU SHOW ME LOVE LIKE NO

ONE ELSE HAS DONE YET ♪

♪ AND WITH THE ROAD AHEAD

>> ♪ YEAH

>> ♪ THIS IS A BEGINNING OF THIS

LOVE STORY ♪

♪ OF THIS LOVE STORY