Original subtitles

-What a beautiful day, huh?

-I'd say borderline glorious, Marlene.

-It's days like these that I'll-- what?

What is--

-Is this an ambush, boys, or an invitation to tea time?

-Sorry, Skipper.

We just can't get the drop on you.

-Don't tell me.

You asked them to attack you.

-Got to stay frosty, Marlene.

When you dance with Lady Chaos as many times as I have,

you could never tell when or where--

MARLENE: Look out!

-Now, that's what I'm talking about, Kowalski.

You almost had me.

-Uh.

Yeah. Those darts weren't mine.

-Oo.

My mistake.

Top notch work there, Private.

-Not mine either, Skipper.

-Really?

Then, Rico.

-[NEGATIVE MUMBLE]

-Well, then, who?

[CLAPPING]

-That clapping.

I know that icy cold clapping.

-Ah, Skipper.

All these years.

And you haven't missed a step.

-Hans, what are you doing here?

-I came to see you, my old foe.

-Uh, guys.

Who's the duck?

SKIPPER: Marlene, meet Hans, deadliest

puffin in all of Denmark.

-Puffins are deadly?

-Deadly.

Two-faced.

Treacherous.

They can't be trusted.

-Ah, Skipper, please.

I've come to say I sorry about the Copenhagen incident.

It was my bad.

-Your bad?

Made me Denmark's public enemy number one.

-You're the reason Skipper can't go to Denmark?

-Oh, why dwell on the past?

Can we not be friends now?

-Friends?

-Yes.

Friends.

Chums.

Palsy-walsies.

I would be honoured to be a guest in your home.

-Oh, lovely.

We can host a get to know you barbecue.

-Hey.

-We'll invite everyone in the zoo and wear festive hats.

-Oh, I'll bring the clams.

-I like festive hats and clams.

-I will never, ever, ever be palsy-walsies with that puffin.

-So what was it that happened in Denmark anyway?

-It is such a long story with so many twists

and chases and explosions.

You wouldn't be interested.

-Oh, I would.

Really.

-Skipper?

I have brought you a hand-drawn greeting card.

It says, "Roses are red.

Posies are green.

Sorry about Denmark.

I was too mean.

Your pal, Hans."

I also brought flowers.

And homemade Danishes.

Come now, Skipper.

Treat yourself.

Hm.

-No sense in these going to waste.

-Skipper, give Hans a chance.

He just wants to be your pal.

-Marlene, I don't know what that sick sea bird wants.

But it ain't friendship.

PRIVATE: Are you sure, Skipper?

I mean, these Danishes are delicious.

-Mm.

Pass me another puffin muffin.

-Oh, don't eat the puffin's puff pastries.

They're evil.

-A bit rich maybe, but evil seems a trifle-- ow.

-Skipper, your deep-seated paranoia

is understandable even admirable.

But I believe science can show us it is wrong.

Here is a pie chart of gifts one might give to a friend-

cards, flowers, pastries, and, of course, pie.

-Yum.

-On the other hand, here are things

one might give to an enemy- wedgies, contagious viruses,

flaming sacks of doo doo, and, of course, poisoned pie.

-Not yum.

-Given the evidence, we must conclude Hans' friendship

overtures are, indeed, sincere.

-Come on.

You can do this, Skipper.

-Mm.

Fine.

I still smell double-cross.

-Sh.

Hans, Skipper has something he'd like to say to you.

-OK.

I extend to you my flipper in friendship.

Can I go now?

-I never thought I'd see the day.

Please, Skipper, tale this gift as a token of my gratitude.

-Well.

Thank you, Hans.

I don't really know what to say.

[YELLING]

-Come on.

The exploding rope bomb?

You didn't see that coming?

-And this is why we never forgive and forget.

-Uh.

What's going on over there?

-Hm.

Someone is sacrificing penguins to the volcano.

Eh.

These things happen.

[YELLING]

Hans, It's a fake volcano.

There's no lava down here.

-Oh, I had no plans to fry you, Skipper.

I only need this phony bologna volcano

to hold you for precisely 38.2 seconds.

In which time, I will complete my-- ah!

-Stop that puffin!

MARLENE: Um.

Hello?

Guys?

-(GRUNTING) No good.

He's locked us out.

-Ah, Skipper.

This is the perfect revenge.

Ah.

In the heart, of one of the largest cities on Earth,

with all your weapons at my wingtips,

do you now what I can do?

-He can help animals in trouble, just like we do.

-Oh, sure, Private.

And then, he'll fly away on his magic unicorn,

spreading rainbows and pixie dust wherever he goes.

-Hans has a magic unicorn?

Oh.

I guess not.

-All clear.

-Hans will never see this coming.

No one knows about our secret entrance but us.

-Right you are, young Private.

-And nobody knows about our intricate booby traps.

Nobody could possibly get passed them not even us.

Oh, wait.

-OK.

We can't get to Hans.

So we'll just turn up the heat.

-Hm.

Where to begin.

The orbital death ray?

Nah.

Hm.

-Hot enough for you, Hans?

Kowalski, right now the temperature in that lair

is sweltering with a high chance of back sweat.

-No sea bird can withstand that magnitude of mugginess.

-All we have to do is wait till Hans flees and then grab him.

-Roger that.

I'll see you topside.

That was a Christmas present.

-Any moment now, we'll grab Hans.

Any moment.

Here it comes.

Get ready.

-Run, Skipper.

Run.

She's going to blow!

-Just wait.

-So we finish it with fish.

-Just like Denmark.

[YELLING]

-You cannot win, Skipper.

I'm fueled by a boiling head, a raging fury--

-And a babbling beak.

-You should know that I kissed your sister on the lips.

-I don't have a sister.

And if I did, she wouldn't have lips.

-Really?

Then, who did I kiss?

Ah!

Oh.

Oh.

-Don't even think about it, Hans.

Your cold-blooded vengeance spree ends here.

-(CRYING)

-Hey, are you?

You're not crying are you?

-No.

No.

No.

I just have a little, um-- (CRYING)

--what is to become of Hans the Puffin, now?

I have no home.

-No home?

-The Danes finally caught onto me and my devilish schemes.

And they part me from my own home.

-So that's why you took my HQ.

It wasn't revenge?

-Oh, there was a little revenge.

But it was mostly because I have nowhere to go.

I am a puffin without a perch.

-Hans, I think I know what you need.

-Yeah.

I'm here to pick up a transfer for the Hoboken Zoo.

-Yes.

We will load it right away.

How about this weather?

Hot enough for you?

-So this Hoboken Zoo, it is nice?

-I'll be honest with you, Hans.

It's a disease-riddled cesspool.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

-I get the five-day forecast.

But do we need the 10-day?

What are they?

Fortune tellers?

OK.

You're all set.

-Right.

See you later.

Freak.

-Well, that wraps up that chapter

of my life in a nice little bow.

-Except, I still don't know what happened in Denmark.

-Oh, young Private.

That's between me, Hans, and the Danes.

Get your own secret life.

MARLENE: Hey, guys.

Still trapped in here.

Come on.

Oh.

[THEME MUSIC]