Original subtitles

Oh, oh, oh, okay. I got one for you.

That couple over there, siblings or dating?

Oh, no, definitely siblings.

The same weird smile, same shark eyes,

hand placed just above the butt

as if tempted, but know that it's forbidden.

Ah.

That's the kind of chemistry you only develop

at the dinner table.

Uh, excuse me. We were wondering--

We're step-siblings.

But now that our parents are dead,

nothing is forbidden.

Any chance y'all think they killed their parents?

They definitely did nothing to save them.

Which one of these outfits say, "I'm sexy, but not thirsty,

passionate but not desperate,"

and leaves a medium amount to the imagination?

Neither. That one says, "Runway."

Airport runway.

And the red one screams

"first day in the witness protection program."

Shows what you know.

These are from a high-end boutique

called the Dress Pit.

Guys, be nice.

This is her first date with Jake after the breakup.

If she wants to look like the victim of a '70s slasher film,

she should.

Eh, as long as I don't look like

the virgin the killer ignores, I'll take it.

So, your first date after the breakup, huh?

A little bit of awkward conversation,

followed by an all-out hump fest.

For all I know, Jake wants to take things slow.

So I'm just gonna focus on what I can control--

returning these to the Dress Pit.

Luckily, they're open 24 hours.

Because it doesn't have a door.

I don't think that Jake wants to take it slow.

That's all I can say.

He's gonna propose. But that's it.

I helped him pick out the ring.

Would you stop grilling me, you vultures?

So, where we going tonight?

If I need to wear a sports bra, you have to tell me.

I told you it's a surprise.

But I'll give you a clue.

It's one of your favorite places.

Oh, well, you should know

I'm not allowed at that pet store anymore.

They figured out I'm never gonna buy a bird.

They call me a "cockatease."

You think I would take you to a pet store for our big date?

I mean, I wanted to, but then I saw your

picture up by the register.

So, Jake's proposing? Huh. That was fast.

Maybe a little fast, but, I mean,

they dated for quite a while.

No, the way you explained it was fast.

You should take your time with news like that.

But now that I mention it,

it does seem pretty quick to get engaged.

He's a male cheerleader.

She feeds squirrels for fun.

They shouldn't overthink it.

Next up, the People vs...

Sylvia Plath and Batman?

Aw, it's never the real one.

Those are the names on the defendants' fake IDs.

It's a tale as old as time.

Just a couple of white kids trying to get some White Claws.

Permission to approach.

I'm not representing these children.

They don't even know who Gene Hackman is.

Well, you could try them as adults.

You know, a week in jail at their age

would have nipped a lot of my problems

right in the bud.

I can't send them to adult jail.

They'll get picked last for all the gangs.

Come on, it'll be like summer camp.

Of course they'll try to run away,

but, you know, years from now,

they'll miss it.

I'll handle this.

Kids, we'll call your parents and forget this ever happened

if you just give us your real names.

Our real names are on our IDs.

I'm pretty sure you don't live in the state of...

"Balaska,"

at "1,000,000 Fart Lane."

Babe, wait. She's a judge.

Maybe she can marry us.

What do you mean, marry you?

That's why we came to New York.

Yeah. We're here to see the original Olive Garden

and get hitched.

Just like the breadsticks, our love is bottomless.

Okay, I'm not gonna let two kids

with pocket bread get married.

I think we need a five-minute recess.

Sick! Dodgeball!

It's not that kind of recess.

Some of us have asked.

These kids are not your problem.

Do not get sucked in.

You have a very big date tonight.

Don't worry. It won't take long.

I got a talking stick, a feelings chart,

and the two best huggin' arms in New York City.

See you in my chambers!

You should have chosen adult prison.

Oh, Carl, it's so sweet you came just to bring me

your homemade espresso.

Mmm.

I'm tasting hot chocolate

and just a hint of melted cannoli?

It's a recipe from the Old Country.

Ah!

I wish someone would bring me things.

Last week I gave you my cold,

and you got a day off to finally finish "The Americans,"

so you're welcome.

Pickup for Dan.

Oh, look who it is.

The famous Dan Fielding.

Hey, Julianne, why don't you introduce me to your friend?

Your "friend"? Julianne, I had no idea

you thought of me that way.

How humiliating for you.

Uh, you'll have to excuse Carl.

He was in the mob, and they call everyone "friend."

And every piece of leather furniture, "Hey, nice."

Jake, buddy, everything okay there?

Oh, yeah, yeah, everything's fine.

Is this cold feet,

or is this how white men moisturize their hands?

I messed up.

I lost Abby's engagement ring.

What?! You lost the ring

when I specifically told you not to?!

Uh, when was the last time you had it?

Okay, um, I know I had it

when I went through the metal detector

because a guy with a forehead tattoo said,

"Is that real?" I said, "I hope so.

I spent my life savings on it."

We both laughed. - That is good.

And then he gave me a big hug and ran away.

I know what happened.

You left it at the metal detector.

No, the guy with the face tattoo obviously stole it!

Oh, you're good. You're good.

I bet you're good at puzzles.

You want to do a puzzle with me?

How can I propose with no ring?

♪ Around the rosie ♪

♪ Pocket full of posey ♪

Oh, you are right, Jake.

Singing that song is fun.

Aww, all my friends sitting around a table singing.

And I know I'm not dreaming because I'm fully clothed.

Jake, why are your hands covered in mashed potatoes?

- Uh, for-- - For charity!

- Yeah. - Like the Ice Bucket Challenge.

We're putting our hands in vats to...

Raise awareness for bats.

It's called... Vats for Bats.

Oh, I love this. Who's doing it next?

Wyatt.

Another bat saved.

I'm just grabbing some candy to bribe the kids

I locked in my office.

That sounds bad, but they're fine.

They could easily crush me.

I need to find that ring.

Listen, alright, with my brains

and my brains, we'll find it.

Don't worry. - No ring,

but there's a watch in the coleslaw.

Look, I remember being young and thinking I knew it all.

But the mistakes you make now can follow you forever.

Trust me. You don't want to do this.

How would you know? Do you even have a boyfriend?

For your information, I might.

Ask me tomorrow.

I think she's jealous of us, babe.

She's alone, and you have a fiancé with two bikes.

Two bikes?

My mama said that wasn't allowed.

Look, we've already been told this

by every other old person in our lives.

We're not gonna talk you out of it

because you are about to live it.

We open on your tiny apartment.

I wonder who that is.

I'm your landlord!

And if you twos don't keep it down in here,

I'll raise your rent!

Huh! You think that's mean?

Wait till you meet your boss.

That's me, your manager at the fast food joint.

You're gettin' a raise never.

Don't bother checkin' the calendar for "never."

It ain't there.

I'm not going to work at a drive-thru.

I'm pretty.

Well, your options may be limited

once you meet life's most inconvenient miracle.

Wah!

That's me, your baby!

I'm loud and expensive.

One day I'm going to major in communications.

And don't forget about me.

I'm your mother-in-law.

I said I'd move in to help with the baby,

but instead, I just made passive-aggressive comments

about your body.

My mom is never passive-aggressive.

She would say that stuff to your face.

And I forgive her because she brought you into my life.

Ohh. Abby, I might be crazy,

but I think these kids can make it work.

What? No, they can't. That's the whole point.

You know what?

I'm a university president giving out full scholarships

to teens who are in love. - Guess what I just heard?

That university burnt down. So you're stuck with me,

your mean boss, the rest of your life.

Well, too bad the mean boss just died of a heart attack

and left you all of her money.

- Flobert! - Don't worry.

You're going to heaven.

Okay, so these are the mug shots of all the criminals

with forehead tattoos in the five boroughs.

Nobody smiles in pictures anymore.

Uh, Jake, security said three crates were dropped off for you

from Dominic's Party Rentals? - Crap, I totally forgot

I ordered decorations for the proposal.

Wait, you're-- you're proposing here?

Oh, so this proposal was doomed from the jump.

I mean, uh, you focus on the ring.

Gurgs and I can set up the decorations.

So while you're looking through these forehead tattoos,

ignore the ones with my name.

My fans are crazy, but not thieves.

Great news. I got something.

You found the ring?

No, I got meatball subs for everybody.

The ring, I got bupkis,

but I did come across a beauty at the pawn shop

from a wide receiver who's fallen on hard times.

Not for nothing,

but if anybody was ever going to propose to me,

I would not say no to a Super Bowl ring.

Ah.

Here. Try this meatball sub. It'll change your life.

Julianne, what do you think the pawnshop would give us

for a guy who flunked out of the mob?

Oh, please.

You were just whining about how hungry you were.

And now Carl has brought you the balls of his homeland.

Homeland? The guy was born in Secaucus.

Play nice.

My ex-cellmate, Big Spider, is downstairs.

She brought some rings that fell off some fingers.

Hey, blondie, you ever meet a cannibal in real life?

Hey, Julianne, take Carl.

All the gold jewelry

might be a fun challenge for a cannibal.

You know, I gotta ask, you ever take salsa classes?

With hips like yours, marone, you'd be fantastic.

Oh, please. Come on.

What, you don't think I know I got perfect salsa hips?

Wow. Wow.

Jake really went all out with his decorations

for the proposal.

What if it's a marble statue of Abby?

You know if it's this big, it's gonna be nude.

- Who's nude? - Ghosts. Think about it.

You're dead. Why would you get to take your clothes with you?

Have you seen Jake?

The kids are taking a little longer than I thought.

Well, Jake's not here.

Oh, okay. I'll give him a ring.

He doesn't need one.

That's definitely not what he's looking for.

Okay.

Should I even ask about the crates?

I wouldn't.

All right, let's unbox our big naked boss.

- What the hell is this? - The package you ordered--

"Colonel Rooster's Slobstacle Course."

We didn't order this.

Who did you think Dillon was?

Obviously a 6-year-old having a very romantic birthday

on your dime.

Okay. This could still work. There's a karaoke machine.

You could serenade her.

All right.

Hey, girl.

We're gonna quack, quack here.

We're gonna quack, quack there.

We're gonna quack, quack everywhere.

If you'll be

my farmer's wife.

Now make "Wheels on the Bus" sexy.

Oh, interesting.

You're too good for Big Spider's rings,

but you'll propose in an off-brand Chuck E. Cheese.

This is a disaster.

Is the universe trying to tell me that I shouldn't propose?

I mean, you know, maybe I am going a little too fast.

Whoa! Jake. Whoa! Take a breath.

All right. I've been where you are.

Now, you know how Abby makes you feel.

- Yeah. - The moment you see her,

all of your doubts are just gonna melt away.

Yeah. You're right. I just need to talk to Abby.

Okay.

Hey, I just got a text from Carl

saying that you locked him in the morgue.

Well, I--

Well, he wasn't supposed to be able to get service down there.

Okay. The year is 2049. You're empty nesters,

and a new friend has moved into your bedroom.

My name is CPAP machine,

and I can go all night long.

Hey, Abby, can I talk to you for a second?

Jake, can you please tell these kids that getting married

would be the biggest mistake of their lives?

Interesting.

Interesting point for me to hear right now.

Look at us.

We've said I love you to each other,

and we haven't even thought about getting married.

- We haven't? - Exactly.

- You're obviously busy, so-- - No, wait.

Didn't you want to talk to me about something?

Yeah, I was gonna say maybe going out tonight

isn't such a good idea.

What do you mean? I thought you were excited.

I was. Now I'm not so sure. I should go.

Ooh. Principal got dumped.

Get ready.

I got a box of props to convince you to marry these kids.

No need, Flobert. I'm sold. Come on, stand up.

But I had a whole game show planned.

You want to get married?

I'm gonna marry you right here, right now.

She's bluffing.

Can't get married without a tie.

And here is your veil.

Why are you doing this?

Because I'm a judge,

and it's one of the cool things I get to do.

So, marriage. Batman, you in?

- I'm down. - All right.

Sounds like an "I do" to me. What about you, Sylvia?

You want to make a mistake you'll live to regret?

Stop marrying us. We're kids.

Too late, I already did.

I now pronounce you Batman and wife.

Hold on. I don't actually want to get married.

I just wanted to renegotiate my curfew.

I'm calling my mommy.

I did not see that coming.

I thought you two were rock solid.

If she thinks she's getting one of my bikes

in the divorce, she is dreaming.

And listen, for the record,

it was his idea to go in there and check cadavers for rings.

That was your idea, Big Dog.

My idea was buying matching tracksuits.

What is your problem?

You have been obnoxious to him all night.

Oh, are you jealous? - Jealous?

What, of a man who thinks an undershirt is an outside shirt?

What do you care if I'm nice to your boyfriend?

I think she cares because you two are friends.

All right, Carl, for the last time, we are not friends.

Furthest thing from it.

Yeah. Dan couldn't handle it.

He used to have a thing for me.

Oh, no, no. If anything, you couldn't handle it.

You were the one obsessed with me.

Oh, hey, buddy, I can handle

being friends with you if you can.

I can handle being friends with you in my sleep.

Well, then I guess we're friends.

I guess we are. Well, I'm going to hit you up

for so many rides to the airport.

Oh, and I meet so many ladies at the gym,

and get ready because I'm going to set you up

with all of them.

I can't wait for the four of us to vacation together.

We're going to the Cape.

Oh, so great to have a good friend.

Hello? Julianne? Big Dog?

I think there's something moving in here!

Aw. They thought I was going to share these.

Hey, uh, our freezer broke, so I was just being helpful.

My mom is here, so I wanted to say goodbye.

Uh, look, I know I was hard on you,

but it's actually

because you remind me a little bit of myself.

I don't want you to make bad choices like I did.

Though I never ran away.

I tried,

but the closest I got was three aisles over in a Blockbuster.

My name is Shelby, by the way.

His name actually is Batman.

His parents are not the best.

It's nice to meet you, Shelby.

Oh, no. Are you leaving so soon, Miss Plath?

I was hoping that you'd sign my copy of "The Bell Jar."

What's "The Bell Jar"?

Oh, I found this by the metal detector.

I guess I don't need it anymore.

No, no, no, I'll take that off your hands.

Thank you very much.

You don't have time to deal with this.

You got a big date to get ready for.

Why are you being so weird?

I'm not being weird. Just excited for your big night.

Only big night I have is with that ice cream.

Jake canceled. - Jake canceled? That's weird.

I know he was looking forward to it.

Yeah, so was I.

I was looking forward to tonight and all the nights after that.

I mean, I could see my whole life with Jake.

Mean landlords, bad bosses,

sharing everything but our bank accounts

because I don't want him to see how much I spend on markers.

I may have lost the thread.

All I'm saying is I don't know what life is gonna throw at me,

but I know I want to go through it with Jake.

Then you have to tell him.

You know, I took the same subway as Sarah for three months

before I asked her out.

I was a fool to wait. I could have lost her.

I can't lose Jake again.

But I don't want to scare him.

I'm all in, but I don't know.

What if he's not on the same page?

He is! Where's your phone?

- It's Jake. - Oh.

Hey. Hi. I was just going to call you.

Well, that's weird. What a coincidence.

Glad you called.

About earlier, I--

Abby, I was being stupid.

Are you still up for doing something tonight?

Tell him you love him.

Stop talking. I'm on the phone.

Is there an echo?

Oh.

No, no, no. No. Oh, God.

Where are you?

I'm just at my boy Dillon's birthday party.

Uh, but I can be there in a minute.

I'll be here. I'm excited to see you.

Well, look at that.

Looks to me like your ice cream is canceled,

and the big night's back on.

What is with that weird look?

I feel like you're either gonna hug me or kill me.

There's no look.

Just that the memories you make tonight

are going to last a lifetime.

Jake's gonna propose.

And he told you because he knows nothing about jewelry

and would have done it with a puka shell necklace.

No, no, no, no.

I didn't do nothing. I gotta go.

I gotta give something to--

I don't know, Wyatt.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna get married.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna get married.

Um, uh, pictured this moment with less melted ice cream.

What the are you doing here?

Just came by to give you this.

Hey, Abby, I--

Who's this guy?

I'm her husband.

So how'd it go?

Who's this guy?

It's funny.