Original subtitles

Whoa. I've never seen this place so empty.

Is this what the end times will be like?

Yes. And they can't get here fast enough.

Where is everybody?

Day court ran long again,

so they all went to see Judge Nulman.

Nulman.

This is like the 10th time he's made us start late.

He's wasting my 5-hour Energy.

I can't do this on two and a half hours' energy.

So that's why you don't like him.

Not because the Times called him the funnest judge in the city?

I couldn't care less what the Times called him.

And "funnest" isn't even a word.

It's probably why newspapers are dying.

She didn't mean it.

Some of us don't need an article to know we're fun

because we have a quiet inner confidence.

And a lot of out-loud talking to yourself in a mirror.

You should close your door.

According to the article,

Nulman's a... "generational talent."

And if that keeps the, uh, coffee stand unattended...

well, all I have to say is...

chin-chin.

"Generational talent." How fun can he be?

Ah! Now the ladies!

Just ladies! Say "Ho! Ho!"

- Ho! Ho! - Say "Ho, ho, ho!"

- Ho, ho, ho! - Say "Eww!"

Eww!

And that's what witnesses did

when they were flashed by jolly old St. Ick.

Guilty.

Let's hear it for the Gay Men's Choir!

Sing em out, boys.

♪ Goodbye, you scary gentleman ♪

♪ You're headed off to jail ♪

♪ Maybe an elf or Mrs. Claus ♪

♪ Will come and pay your bail ♪

God. That is fun.

...and that's why you never shake hands

with a Times Square Elmo.

All right. That's my time.

- Aww. - Aww.

Hey, I'll be back tomorrow.

Stay tuned for an all-new night court.

♪ Nulman's court is adjourned ♪

♪ Let's remember all we've learned ♪

♪ Don't mug, stab, steal, or pretend that you're a nun ♪

♪ Trials resume tomorrow at one ♪

Yes!

Okay.

This guy's a fad.

These are the same ding-dongs

that went to go see Pizza Rat in concert.

- Isn't that ding-dong your ex? - Jake's here?

If you don't want him to see you,

I've been practicing animal face painting

for my daughter's birthday party.

That won't be necessary.

Sure, our relationship ended badly,

but Jake and I are friends now. - Oh, really? You guys talk?

- No. - Text?

- No. - Hang out?

Look who knows all the things that friends do!

- Abby. - Jake!

Howdy, partner. - Oof.

Funny. You never came to watch me when we were dating.

And we were together during the summer,

when most of my defendants were wearing bikinis.

Actually, I am here to see your court.

Oh. Really?

- About an HR complaint. - Ah.

But I am so psyched I got to witness Nulman in action.

I mean, you can really feel the electricity in the room.

Well, if the room feels electric,

it's only because the walls are filled with frayed wires.

I'm just gonna mosey.

Ah. Now that the circus is over, can we start?

How do you always show up

at the exact moment day court adjourns?

Uh, she has a Ring camera in here,

and they sent me to confiscate it.

Oh. So a woman can't be Big Brother?

Well, that is patriarchy.

Judge Nulman. I'm Abby Stone.

Thank you. Always nice to meet a fan.

Oh.

I'm... I'm not a fan. I'm a judge in night court.

Aw. You can be a judge and a fan.

Hey. Sorry that we ran late.

It's just when the crowd is that hot-- Well, you get it.

Oh, yeah. Totally. Totally.

I mean, I'm actually a bit of a fun judge myself.

I wasn't in the Times,

but a quote of mine did appear on a poster for "Sonic 3," so...

Well, hey, since I'm here,

I'd love to stick around and, uh, catch your session,

see how a fellow fun judge rocks the bench.

All right.

Well, slap a jockstrap on your front parts,

because Judge Abby's about to go nice and hard.

- ♪ Gross ♪ - ♪ Gross ♪

- ♪ Gross ♪ - ♪ That's just gross ♪

Why am I clapping? You just insulted me.

Dan, may I run something by you?

It would be my first big swing as chief bailiff.

Are you gonna get rid of the "all rise"?

'Cause I get comfortable. Then I got to stand up.

It's a good idea.

No. A courthouse welcome video.

You know, we used to have a welcome video back in the '80s.

Why not just use that? - Because this is the only copy.

Uh-huh.

Well, you know, I can probably fix this,

but it's a rather technical process.

- Oh! - Good as new.

I found this VCR in the evidence locker.

There was bread in it 'cause people thought it was a toaster.

Hi. I'm Bailiff Roz Russell.

And if you're watching this, you screwed up.

You didn't tell me Roz was the star of the welcome video.

Yeah. No. I forget. She was in all the instructional videos.

You know, when Roz Russell tells you to do something, you do it!

I can't think of a better person

to welcome everyone into the courthouse.

We'll just use this. - Yes. Absolutely.

If it's not broke, don't fix it. - Ooh!

Oh!

This is clearly broke, though.

All rise. Manhattan Criminal Court Part 2 is now in session.

And coming to the bench--

She's cute, she's fun. she likes her steak well done--

It's the Honorable Judge Abby Stone.

Oh! Who's ready to get this party started?!

Somebody say "Ho!"

Uh, you can't call us that anymore.

Oh, please, Lacy.

You called me a high-strung bitch an hour ago.

What's with the entrance?

Nulman's here, so I'm puttin' a little stank on it.

Okay.

Well, tonight's docket has plenty of fun...

damentally disturbed people.

Got it. Murder. Attempted murder. Hit-and-run.

Are any of these at least naked? - Uh, the hit-and-run was.

But the victim landed in a pair of pants.

How am I supposed to wow Nulman with this bummerfest?

Oh, wait. Wait. How about this guy?

His name is Frankenstein.

It's actually not.

The People vs. Frank... Enstein.

Hey, Gay Men's Choir, sing him in.

We're just waiting for our Uber.

Makes sense you don't have a car,

because you can't find a key.

Good evening, Frank Enstein.

And may I say that I too think...

...fire bad.

This thing on? - It is.

Mr. Enstein is charged with littering.

And before you ask, it was a cup.

And not even a cool one.

Just that small cup they give you

when you want to drink sink water at the movies.

All right, Counselor. Your turn.

Please set me up to score.

Sorry, Your Honor. I got nothing.

My client feared that his discarded cup

made it out to the open sea and choked the Little Mermaid.

He pleads guilty and asks for a moment of silence

to honor his ocean-dwelling victim.

If you listen, you could hear her underwater screams.

Fine. Let's just do the stupid silence.

You're not as fun as your name.

All right. Great. Guilty.

Please call me something fun.

You asked for fun, and I delivered!

Oh!

Nulman!

Unbelievable.

Everyone thinks Nulman is the fun judge.

But my eyes are wide open.

Because you haven't blinked since the snakes scared you.

I'm telling you. That guy set me up.

Abby, I think Nulman set you up.

See? I was right. How was I right?

- He stole all our fun cases. - How fun we talkin'?

A grandma fight club. Flasher flash mob.

The theft of a classroom hamster named Nibble Nuts.

Was the hamster short-haired or fluffy?

- Fluffy as hell. - Mother fluffer.

He's coming for my territory.

This is a turf war. - Oh, please.

Now, if this were a real turf war, you'd get one of these.

Oh. Scar's gone.

Huh. Cream worked.

If Nulman wants pranks, he's gonna get pranks.

No. No pranks.

Yeah. These things escalate quickly.

It starts with silly snakes.

Next thing you know, your college roommate

has turned your toilet into a spring-loaded catapult.

What's the matter, Wyatt?

You don't think fun judge can take a joke?

It's not a joke!

I have been able to put my full weight on the toilet seat

in six years.

Oh, quit whining. Your quads look amazing.

Roz, I'm so excited you agreed to do this.

Man, I am so excited you agreed to pay me.

But I don't see why we can't use the old script.

Well, that one's a little dated.

You used terms like "homeless" and talked about your boyfriend.

Mm. I haven't had a boyfriend in a while.

Just ask my wife.

Fine. I'll learn this one.

Hey. Listen.

I-I had a thought about the script.

You know the scene where Roz tells us

which floor processing is on?

I think it'd be more compelling...

if she was holding a big bag of dog food.

This is a scam. Tell me how.

No, no, no. Listen.

Actors need to do something with their hands--

like when Marlon Brando played with that glove

in "On the Waterfront."

But this would be better, because instead of a glove,

it would be a big bag of dog food.

Explain... the... scam.

All right.

Every night, hundreds of people are gonna see this video.

And I found a pet-store owner

who wants access to those eyeballs.

He gets advertising, I get a small finder's fee,

and you get a-a bucket of cash to do whatever you want.

Dan, this isn't a dog-food commercial.

This welcome video has got to be like "Blaow!"

But also..."Om-m-m-m."

But ultimately-- "Bew-bew-bew-bew-bew!"

Come on. I want those things, too.

But those noises cost money.

And the only way to get it

is to have this dog food in the commercial.

Are we doing this or what?

If it was good enough for Brando.

That's the spirit! Come on. Okay.

Hey, Roz...

if you want to, touch it.

All right. Let's try one.

And... action.

Welcome to Kight Nourt.

We got it. Moving on.

I-I think we need another one.

Huh? Really? I thought that was perfect.

You know, that dog food... is a star!

I'm not gonna lie. This is a tough decision.

Some deliberation music while I go over the file.

♪ The judge is thinking, the judge is thinking ♪

♪ And we are singing while he thinks ♪

What's to think about?

The case is a lady who fell in love with a bus

and tried to drive it back to her house.

Okay. I've decided.

Ms. Brickton... if you want monogamy, don't marry a bus.

Marry a penguin.

You think that's funny?

Wait until you see what happens when he bangs his gavel.

Oh, I find the defendant guilty.

What? It didn't work.

Honestly, I expected more from the Guaranteed Yuks section

at Goof-About's Prank and Discount Cellphones.

My way would've worked.

Unless he's one of those people chloroform makes stronger.

Let's take ten.

Oh, it's times like these

I wish they hadn't taken down my Ring camera.

All right.

Welcome to a friendly but very mandatory mediation.

Is this really a matter for HR?

I mean, you did try to explode me.

I did set up a prank, but not that prank.

Mine was a harmless whoopee cushion with a smell component.

And after, I was gonna yell, "Look who put the F-U in 'fun'!"

Instead, you put the F-U in "full range of motion,"

which I've lost forever.

It's not fair. He started it.

With a few soft and silly snakes.

He's not telling the full story.

After the snakes, he gave a mean laugh.

It was like this. "Heh-heh-heh-heh!"

Only laugh you got all night.

Look. Not all judges are fun!

And that's okay... for you.

I think you rigged that prank to make me look bad.

And on top of it, you're stealing all my cases.

I'm telling you, Jake. This guy's a sneak.

This is sounding a lot like the time

when you accused the pizza place of stiffing you on garlic knots.

I paid for three knots!

They gave me two knots and a nub.

Remember when you called to complain?

You ate them all in a blind rage while you berated the owner.

I would've gotten us a refund if I hadn't said those things

about his mother. - Yeah.

So you two used to munch knots together.

We dated.

Did you dump her because she wasn't fun?

No. I was super fun.

He dumped me because I lied to him.

So the liar is calling me a sneak.

Don't use our relationship against me.

We are in a good place.

He's dating a lovely girl named Lucy.

Still? Not important.

Maybe we keep our history out of this.

You know, so it doesn't get awkward.

- Why would it get awkward? - Because...

I have to suspend you for one week starting tonight.

You know, as luck would have it, my nights are free.

I-I'd be-- Yeah. I'd be happy to take over for Judge Stone.

Oh, my G-- That's what this is!

He doesn't just want my cases. He wants my court.

You have to believe me. - I-I don't know what to believe.

No. Jake, she's right. I want night court.

It's the jewel in the Manhattan judicial system's crown.

That's why I've been plotting against her all this time.

Can you imagine?

That's how crazy you sound.

- What is all this? - Oh!

This is all the bells and whistles.

Better to have and not need than need and not have.

Huh? Come on. Hey.

Hey, everybody! The director's here!

Let's put one in the can!

Here. - Oh.

Action!

Booking is where you go after you've been collared.

And speaking of collars,

easy-on-and-off dog collars are on sale right now.

Uh, Mr. Gasparov wants you to hold the collars up

a little higher in the frame.

Mr. Gasparov can kiss my ass.

Cut. Let's take a five.

What's the matter?

Not enjoying your Soviet dog food commercial?

I don't think this is my vision anymore.

I don't even know what he's supposed to be.

It all kind of got away from me.

Can I ask you a question?

You could have gotten somebody else to do this video.

Why ask me?

Because you capture everything this place is.

Underneath the tough exterior, you're all heart.

Well, I feel the same way about you.

One chief bailiff to another, you got this.

Just block out all the noise and do your thing.

- Thanks, Roz. - Roz is absolutely right.

This is your vision. You know what would be great?

If your vision could also include

someone holding this bag of frozen mice.

All mouse. No nitrates.

Dan, if you bring any more pet stuff into this set,

I'm gonna put you in a freezer bag

and feed you to a snake.

Sorry, Gassy. I thought you'd play along.

Apparently she's an artist.

I can't believe I got suspended.

I'm a five-time winner of the Courthouse Kindness Award.

Okay. Yes, I give it out.

But last month, I almost lost to a therapy dog named Bingo.

Well, at least you don't have to clerk for Nulman.

What if he pranks me?

I don't want a locker filled with angry crabs.

No offense, but you two suck at turf wars.

You can't give up after just one threatening message

written in prison pudding.

No! You save that pudding.

And you make your enemies eat it.

What am I supposed to do?

Jake doesn't believe anything I say.

We need proof that Nulman is out to get you.

Now, you hide a tape recorder

and you trick him into admitting what he did.

He has what he wants. Why would he meet with me again?

Ah. Leave it to me.

Oh. She told me to do that.

Well. she's fabulous. I can't stay mad at her.

But you? I'm calling HR.

You're welcome.

I see your boyfriend's late.

May I come in,

or are you going to accuse me of giving you that haircut?

You know what?

I deserve that, 'cause I have been acting crazy.

You're not some devious mastermind.

You're just a goofball judge who got lucky.

Aww.

Sweetie, it was a little more than luck.

Was it?

Because if that reporter came when I was on the bench,

that article would have been written about me.

You think career-defining articles just happen?

No.

I orchestrated every moment of my ascension

and your failure.

Airbagging myself and getting you banished

was just the beginning.

With your court and its crazy cases,

there'll be no stopping me.

TV, podcast, Fun Judge Robe Snuggies on QVC.

I'll have it all. A-ha-ha-ha. A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

And that's how you do my mean laugh.

You just laughed your last laugh

while falling for the oldest trick in the book.

Because... my tape recorder is really old,

and it's in this book.

Aah! Soft, silly snakes!

Looking for this?

Your clerk told me your plan

because he was afraid I'd put crabs in his locker.

Which I hadn't even thought of--

and then totally did.

You won't get away with this.

You sure?

'Cause I really feel like I'm gettin' away with this.

Oh, yeah?

I thought I'd have a good entrance line

once I got in here.

Sorry. What's happening?

I caught your confession on Julianne's Ring camera.

And I was in on it the whole time.

No, you weren't. - No, I wasn't.

But I'm pleased and surprised by this whole turn of events.

So what?

I'll move to Jersey court and be on TV by Q1 next year.

Fun judge is going to be in syndication, bitches.

Thank you for believing me.

I knew you would never hurt someone on purpose.

And I called the pizza place.

They've been trying to pass off nubs as knots

since the pandemic. - And the vegan pepperoni?

- Oh, yeah. - I knew it was band-aids!

You know, I-I've been thinking about you a lot

since we broke up--

which is probably why Lucy and I broke up.

Oh, Jake.

I'm so sorry... that I'm so happy right now.

Oh, will you nut up and kiss him already?

I'll take this.

So, where were we?

You really think that's my only camera?

I should probably go deal with that, but, um...

want to get coffee sometime?

You think you can just suspend me and then ask me out?

'Cause you totally can.

And if you learn nothing else from this video,

know that all are welcome here.

Also know that the women's restroom on 3

is out of service and always will be.

That was incredible.

How long is it supposed to be? - Two minutes.

- And how long is it? - Four hours.

That video was strange. It was beautiful.

It was you.

You even gave the product placement dramatic importance.

I mean, I felt like I was the dog food,

the dog food... was me.

You know, if there's a sequel, you could add some romance,

'cause that can happen in this courthouse.

She wants us to ask about her and Jake.

Which one's Jake? The green man covered in balls?

No. That's Sandy. He's not into her.

Good work all around. I'll tell you what.

Why don't we celebrate by each of us adopting

and raising a dog?

You were paid in dogs, weren't you?

And frozen mice. Ah!

But those I can sell to the cafeteria.