Original subtitles

Yikes!

Courthouse cafeteria lobster roll?

20 bucks says you can't keep that down for two hours.

You're talking to a woman who once ate calamari in The Hole.

Oh. You know, we get it. You were in prison.

The Hole is what I call the state of Ohio.

The water in the water fountain is carbonated again.

Can't tell if it's concerning or fancy.

Well, it depends. Do you consider tetanus fancy?

So, my favorite law professor e-mailed,

and she needs a speaker for a lecture next week.

Do you want to do it? - Abby, you know I only

ever leave the city for farm-to-table dining, hm?

- I was asking Julianne. - And I was saying yes.

Aww!

Why would I ask you, Dan? You'll just say no.

That's even more hurtful.

You know how much I love saying no to things.

I do. You're the only person I've seen giddy

from rejecting a computer software update.

Oh, Dan. Always the duck-duck, never the goose.

You can't blame her.

I mean, she did choose the better lawyer.

Uh-- [ Grumbles] You think you're the better lawyer?

The only way I would believe that is if I argued it in court,

and I wouldn't argue it because I'm the better lawyer.

Do you see the conundrum we have here?

You sound crazy.

You know, and that's coming from someone

who spent six months in a group home.

The group was the Bee Gees. And I dated all three.

So many teeth.

I'll tell you what. You pick any case on the docket tonight,

and I will beat the cashmere blend pants off of ya.

Hey, look! Look! There's Mr. Fielding!

- Oh, God. - Dan, do you know

those two Great Depression time travelers?

Do not make eye contact.

That's Bob and June Wheeler,

the only living creatures I know who can haunt a place.

Mr. Fielding! Mr. Fielding!

Oh, no, Dan.

You might have to defend us for that, too.

I think we found our case.

Oh, but you're such a good lawyer.

I'm sure you'll be fine. Knock on wood.

Don't let 'em knock on anything.

Thanks again for showing me to the cafeteria.

I can't believe I almost ate my sandwich in the morgue!

They do look similar, but the people

lying on the tables in here are just super-drunk.

Ohh! Cute and funny.

I'm Crash, by the way.

Crash. I like a one-syllable name.

I'm Abby. That's two syllables. So stupid.

Well, here's two one-syllable words.

call me.

Looks like that industrial-strength deodorant

is really payin' off.

Abby, pull yourself together.

People are trying to eavesdrop.

That guy was super-hot. Like "red eye" hot.

Like, I want to ride him for six hours

and wake up in a different city.

Yeah, too bad there's something wrong with him.

Is he the kayaker in the herpes commercial?

Man, you wish. A working actor would be

an improvement over the guys you've dated.

Since your breakup, it's been a loser convention.

Remember the guy who only wore terrycloth?

I don't know. Must have been nice,

always having a towel right there.

Okay, so maybe my radar has been a little off lately,

but I have a feeling that Crash is gonna break that streak.

I mean, those teeth? No way those come off when he sleeps.

I bet he makes noises when he kisses.

Myom-myom-myom!

Get used to that. - Hm.

The People vs. Bob and June Wheeler.

Aww! The Wheelers! Welcome back!

And may I remind everyone, in case of an emergency,

the exits are in the front and the back of the courtroom.

Sorry, Judge.

Trouble seems to find us like we owe it money.

And we don't.

Unless "trouble" is what they call the IRS these days.

The defendants are charged with destruction of property

after their chickens burrowed out of their apartment

and into a nearby massage parlor.

From what we hear, it was not a happy ending.

My clients were nowhere near the scene of the alleged crime,

and I don't think it's necessary to go into detail

as to where they-- - It was date night.

I took the missus to her favorite restaurant--

Trader Joe's free sample station.

- Mmm! - Mmm!

It doesn't matter where they were when the crime happened.

They own the chickens and are responsible

for the damages to their neighbor's business.

Oh, technically, uh, they're not our neighbors,

since we're squattin'.

Technically, you're not charged with that, so shush!

You know what they say.

Home is where the heart is.

And in our case, the hearts are

in the bathtub full of ice until we can find a buyer.

Permission to approach the bench.

I would like to ask for a continuance

so I can educate my clients on their right to remain silent

and to go pick up some duct tape in order to enforce that right.

Well, Dan, I'm feeling generous,

so I can offer you a plea deal.

I mean, yeah, you'll lose, but, honestly,

I can't think of anybody who could win this case.

A good lawyer can win this case,

regardless of what the evidence is

or what the law clearly states or...

which gods hate my clients.

Hey. It's fine with me.

Watching men struggle is one of life's great joys.

I'll allow it. I don't understand it, but I love it.

I'm excited but I'm impartial, so I will allow it,

which is all I will say, even though I said much more.

Court adjourned.

Look, Judge. Your boyfriend is here.

Oh.

Why is he hugging the Wheelers?

I mean, t-that doesn't mean anything.

I hug strangers all the time.

I hug the Domino's guy when I'm really hungry.

Oh! That's what's wrong with him. He's a Wheeler.

It could be worse.

Myom-myom-myom-myom!

Never mind. That's as bad as it gets.

Okay. Look. I'm not gonna lie to you.

They have a strong case against you,

especially given how much you admit to all the charges.

As Dan's paralegal, I'd like to go on record

as saying you have excellent snacks.

- Murray. - Hm?

- That's chicken feed. - Are you sure?

There's a chicken on the bag!

So Frosted Flakes are just for tigers?

And you have to be a sea captain to enjoy

the mouth-cutting delight that is Cap'n Crunch?

You-- You sound ridiculous, Dan!

Can he be our lawyer?

Oh! You can't afford me.

Alright. Look. You're only guilty

if the prosecution can prove that you own those chickens.

And I can win this if you just don't admit

to owning those birds!

- But those are our bir-- - Stop!

- We are the ow-- - Don't!

We're the only parents they ever ha--

Shoosh!

As far as you're concerned, those birds flew to the city

to make it big on Broadway.

Oh, look! Santa's made it to the Island of Misfit Toys.

Hey, Miss Julianne.

Guess what we're not supposed to say we own,

except that we do. - You just-- Would you--

Hey, Bob. Here. Here's a quarter.

Go buy a gumball or something else

that'll fit perfectly in your esophagus.

I have an esophagus, too, you know.

Dan, I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told my shrink.

You're wasting your time.

And you are not gonna be happy

when you see the surprise I have in store for you.

The joke's on you. I'm never happy.

Look. She must have a surprise witness.

Find out who it is. - Oh, I don't know, Dan.

She went to a lot of trouble.

Are you sure you want to ruin the surprise?

Alright. Crash Wheeler pros and cons.

The pros are obvious. Cute. Sweet.

Carries himself with the confidence

of a man with six to eight abs.

I don't know if this is a pro or con,

but his whole family is cursed.

Okay, but we don't know that he's cursed.

He's not like them in other ways.

I mean, he looks like he's at least aware of indoor plumbing.

There's only one way to find out.

Hey, Crash! - Mnh! Inviting the curse over?

What's the point of ranting

if you're just gonna do it anyway?

Hey, Abby. This is my sister, Carol Ann.

Nice to see you again, Judge!

Well, nice to see anything after staring at that eclipse.

So, I was thinking it might be good

to get to know each other a little better.

Like, what's your favorite food? What's your favorite animal?

Are you the victim of an ancient hillbilly curse?

My brother is definitely cursed.

Do you know this dummy has a job

and he don't even get paid for it?

It's called volunteering.

I help at the Boys & Girls Club.

Oh, yeah? Well, he was in an institution for four years.

College.

I graduated from UPenn.

Short for U-Penitentiary.

I assume you know it's not.

So, just to be clear,

you're a hottie with an Ivy League degree?

Which you've applied towards helping America's youth?

All while using those muscles to flip tires

and flail big ropes in your private sweat cathedral?

See? What a zero.

He don't even talk good like we done.

I have to run. Red Cross is calling

about an emergency blood donation.

I'm a universal donor, so I'm everybody's type.

- Yeah, you are. - Yeah, you are.

Uh, what's a four-letter word for breakfast?

Oh. Never mind. It's sudoku.

Oh. There you are. Tell me you found the surprise witness

and you weren't sidetracked by a balloon again.

That balloon looked just like me.

If anything, I didn't look at it enough.

But, Dan, Dan, Dan. Focus.

I followed Julianne all night, and, boy, was it fruitful.

"9:15.

J...exits courthouse.

Receives mysterious package from man at a cart.

Package turns out to be a hot dog."

Then there's a lot of stuff here about that hot dog.

Oh! Here we go.

"9:15 again.

I realize it can't still be 9:15.

My watch must be dead.

9:15-- I ask J for the time.

She says to stop 'following' her."

How is this fruitful?

Reconvening! People vs. Bob and June Wheeler.

Oh. Look at us, reconvening like a real court.

I'm proud of us.

Your Honor, I'd like to call a witness.

Ms. Carol Ann Wheeler.

Well, I'll be damned.

She has the same name as our daughter!

And her face, too!

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth, and try to use correct grammar

so we can all follow it?

I did.

Ms. Wheeler, where do you work?

I'm a feed rep for General Frumpton's Chicken Feed.

Frumpton's: it's what the thing you eat eats.

Carol Ann, tell me. Whose name is signed

on this invoice for 20 pounds of chicken feed?

Oh! I'd recognize that big X anywhere.

That's my daddy's signature. Bobert Wheeler.

Uh, Your Honor, objection.

Purchasing feed does not prove ownership.

I happen to recall a woman who bought a number of cat toys

but never actually owned a-- - Ah. Sustained.

Movin' right along.

I'd also like to enter into evidence

this thank-you note

written in Mrs. Wheeler's handwriting.

"Thank you for being the best big sister

us chickens could ask for.

The feed was delicious.

Lots of cluck, Edna, Otis, James..."

Okay. I'm not reading 40 chicken names!

No further questions, Your Honor.

It never occurred to you to mention

that your daughter was your chicken-feed dealer?

Why? You need feed?

I can hook it up.

I don't know. I got to be missing something.

No chicken could cause that kind of damage to a massage parlor.

I mean, what kind of crazy chicken

pecks hot stones into gravel?!

Two words! Foghorn Leghorn!

You find that cartoon chicken, we blow this case wide open!

Murray. Murray. Calm down. We can figure this out.

Now, tell me. What kind of dirt did you dig up on Carol Ann?

Oh. Lots of dirt. Lots of dirt.

And twigs. And abandoned shoelaces.

What the-- Hey! What?! What the hell?!

I'm trying to build a case here!

What are you doing, making a nest?!

I didn't like the way those papers were looking at me.

And I heard what those shoelaces said!

- Murray. - Hm?

How long have you been eating Frumpton's feed?

I don't know. One sunrise.

Murray, I think you just saved my case.

That food is poison!

You gotta promise me you will not stop eating it

until we beat Julianne.

- You know I won't. - Oh! Ha ha!

Alright.

These are beautiful.

My family thinks flowers are a waste of money.

That's why at their wedding

Mama threw a bouquet of hose parts.

Sorry. What? I was just thinking about

how your jaw line could cut fudge!

Hi, Crash!

Girl, calm down. There's no need to yell.

I'll see you tonight.

So you're going out with a Wheeler?

Yep. And he brought me these beautiful flowers...

...that are, for some reason, hissing at me.

Maybe because they were picked

by a cursed man from a cursed garden.

Would a cursed man be taking me

to a hot new Italian restaurant tonight?

By any chance, is it Nicolazzo's?

Oh, yeah. Have you heard good things?

It's burning down right now.

Ooh!

Ms. Wheeler, you recognize this man?

No, but he kinda looks like a balloon I saw once.

This is Murray Flobert, a loving husband,

a respected judge,

a song-and-dance man.

It's song or dance man!

I cannot do them together! No one can!

But lately, he has been quick to rage.

What's changed? His diet.

He's been eating General Frumpton's feed,

the same feed that was given to the Wheelers' chickens.

If the defense wants to waste people's time

with unfounded claims, then he should just

bitch to his doorman like a normal New Yorker!

There is nothin' in our feed that would cause violence.

The only side effect is happy birds

with the biggest chicken knockers you've ever seen!

Perhaps you wouldn't mind demonstrating to us

how harmless the feed is by...

...eating it. - Objection! No.

This is clearly food for animals.

There's-- There's a chicken on the bag.

So you have to be a leprechaun

to enjoy the chalky marshmallow hell

that is Lucky Charms?!

That logic is bulletproof. Overruled.

It's fine.

I'd be delighted to have a tasty bite. Mmm!

Can Really taste the corn and the-- and the millet. Mmm!

Nyum-nyum-nyum-nyum-nyum, nyum-nyum-nyum-nyum!

Let the record show that the witness is clearly fake eating

and that her space work is middling at best.

Why won't you eat the feed, Carol Ann?

Why won't you eat the feed?!

Because it's full of steroids

and I'm happy with the size of my knockers!

So the chickens' violence

is not the Wheelers' fault at all!

The blame falls squarely on General Frumpton's shoulders!

No more questions, Your Honor. - You may step down.

As a reformed arsonist, I'm not so sure

you're supposed to be this close to me because,

hoo-hoo, I'm on fire!

Freakin' Wheelers.

They may be the most insufferable family

I've ever met, and I went camping with the Mansons.

Alright. Listen. We did it.

Now all you have to do is testify

that you gave the feed to the chickens, and we win.

- Seems simple enough. - Yeah.

Your Honor, we change our plea to guilty.

We're taking the deal that flight attendant offered us.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?!

I object! Wait.

Can I object to my own clients?

Well, you know, when life gives you lemons,

you don't ask why the lemons are so stupid.

You got a deal.

Okay. Court is adjourned.

I want it on the record. This is in no way curse-related.

I can't believe I lost.

I can't believe I won.

I mean, I knew I'd win until the moment I thought you'd won,

and then I couldn't believe I won.

You know, I'm getting sick of defending people.

Oh! Wait.

What does a lighthouse keeper pull down these days?

I mean, I've already got the beard.

And I love being alone. - Yeah.

Well, for what it's worth,

you did a hell of a job up there.

You too.

Actually, it's the best fun I've had in quite a while

till the Wheelers threw me under the bus.

Well, as the bus, it was my favorite part.

Hey, there, Mr. Fielding!

Bye, there, Mr. Fielding!

We just wanted to say thank you.

Because of your good lawyering,

General Frumpton gave us a financial reward

in exchange for our silence.

So that's why you took the plea deal, huh?

Screwed me for a little bit of money.

- It was a lot of bit of money. - Yeah...

But some of it is for you.

No, I don't want your curse.

Ohh!

$300,000?

We're using the rest to open our own theme park--

Wheeler World.

It's like a water park but with mud.

We're looking for investors.

Yes. I would, um, like to invest in my future.

There you go.

Please... never come back.

We could never quit him.

Still no word from Abby.

No, but I have a Google alert set

for "blonde, judge, terrible accident."

Oh. False alarm.

Heidi Klum fell off a trampoline.

There's someone who hasn't been struck by indoor lightning!

Did your date go well? - Mm-hmm.

- Did you get a good-night kiss? - Mm-hmm.

Did that kiss do something to you

that makes it hard for you to speak?

What makes ya say that?

Why are you talking like a Wheeler?

The curse!

It's not a curse.

What it was, was we was kissing in the French style,

and I had a reaction to the shrimp he ate.

So now my lips are numb and my tongue is big.

Abby, if this is what happens after only one date,

we're all in grave danger.

Come on! There's no such thing as a curse.

Okay. Look.

There's a great person out there for you.

But you're never gonna find him

if a piano lands on your head.

Dagnabbit. You guys are so sweet.

- Oh, hell no! - Get that cursed monkey paw

away from me!

Okay. Fine. I'll call it off.

"Crash. We can't see each other no more.

Goodbye forever."

There. Did it.

Fine. I'll done do it for real this time.

It's funny!