Original subtitles

Aw, Dan.

You have an eyelash. Make a wish.

Kill me.

Is it me or does Dan seem grumpier than usual?

You should've heard what he said

when we saw a shooting star.

Ohh!

I can't carry that darkness. I have children.

He's just upset about his memoirs.

It's been rejected by every publisher in town.

Yeah. His agent is so tired of giving him bad news.

I heard he's gonna quit. - Who's his agent?

Me.

Oh. Sorry.

Oh, I got to take this.

Give me good news, Bobby.

You thought Dan's book was incredible?

...ly bad.

Don't worry. It's-- It's not about you.

Right. Someone else's misery will cheer Dan up.

Any chance the next case is someone attacked

by their own chimp?

No, but it's a good one-- the people versus Llewelyn Sims.

Mr. Sims is charged with public indecency.

He was reading a pornographic novel on the subway.

Come on, man.

It's not the Staten Island ferry.

But reading pornography isn't a crime.

It is when you do it out loud.

This is what people want to read,

pool boys and housewives slapping together?

You know, I could put that in my book.

Is the counselor interested in maybe doing some defending?

Fine.

My client is not a run-of-the-mill perv.

He was reading this smut to a friend

who has a visual impairment.

And it is with the deepest regret

that the defense calls Sy Hoffman.

That's right!

Applause, applause, applause.

I'm back, Your Honor!

- I'm over here, Mr. Hoffman. - Who said that?

I'm sorry. I just had my eyes dilated.

I'm at risk for glaucoma, which inspired my new musical,

"Glaucoma!"-- exclamation point.

♪ Glaucoma ♪

♪ When the pressure's right behind your eyes ♪

And the defendant was reading you pornography because...

Because I'm always on the lookout for a new story to tell.

Ah. Yes.

A lot of great musicals were based on porn.

You know, "Grease" was originally titled "Lube."

- Is that true? - No.

Who said that?

Dan, I've been looking everywhere for you.

Yeah. Well, keep looking.

I think I'm in the bathroom on the fifth floor.

So, you know how no one saw value in your life story?

Yes.

But it's nice to be reminded.

I found someone who thinks audiences will love it.

Hello.

Please tell me the person interested in my memoirs

is standing behind this unethical blowfish.

Dan, I love your book.

You read it? I thought your eyes didn't work.

Well, it was a little blurry, but I got the gist.

And I think it'll make an incredible musical.

Isn't that great?

Now your story can be performed every night.

You'll get applause, Dan.

You can't clap when you're reading a book.

You'd drop it.

For music and lyrics, I got Hudson Ann Martin.

Wow, Dan! Hudson and Martin!

I wish I could get Hudson and Martin.

I got Hudson Ann Martin-- middle name Ann.

He's not as good, but he's my close personal nephew.

The only Hudson I'm gonna be working with is the river,

when I jump in it with bricks tied to my feet!

I tried that, Dan! Bricks never stay on!

I've been cursed with buoyancy.

Ugh. I think the coffee creamer is expired.

Ah. Yeah. Your girls are getting big.

You're not listening to me at all.

Mm-hmm. Sure.

Electric cars. Crazy.

- What's going on? - We used to date.

What? You and him? Him and you? Biblically?

Nothing we did could be found in any Bible.

Sy Hoffman.

That man is a sexual dynamo.

Wait. What?

You see the way he attacks that sandwich?

He approaches all of his endeavors with the same gusto.

Did he just swallow the toothpick?

Uh-oh.

I-I can't get involved with him again.

He'll just chew me up and spit me out

like that piece of sandwich foil

that he just fished out of his mouth.

Ugh.

Maybe I can help. Yeah. It'll be good practice.

My girls are starting to like boys,

so I need to learn how to ruin a vibe real quick.

Oh. Thank you, Wyatt.

Now he's using his sleeve as a napkin.

Ah!

Okay. This is too hot.

I got to go and cool off in the morgue.

Yeah, I got your text.

There's no way I'm doing casual Friday. Okay--

What's everybody doing here? - Don't worry, Dan.

No one wants to see you in Crocs.

We're here because we think this musical with Sy

could be just the thing to get you out of your funk.

Even me, the cool one.

This isn't an intervention?

Well, I-I guess this list of all the ways you've failed me

can wait.

Okay. Everyone but Julianne thinks working on this show

could turn that frown of yours... into a neutral face.

You're asking me to trust Sy Hoffman.

The man is a sellout.

Do you know he put five Shreks in his production of "Hamlet"?

And that's just "Hamlet." This is my story.

This matters!

I totally hear you.

Which is why you should ask for full creative control.

Like Lin-Manuel Miranda

or baristas when they write your name on a cup.

And we'll be with you the whole time.

I know everything there is to know about Broadway.

Flobert does the choreography for his barbershop quartet.

It's mostly taking off hats and leaning.

But that's not my limitation. It's theirs.

"Full creative control" has a nice ring to it.

People bring me their ideas, full of hope,

and I crush them with a withering glance.

Yeah, that feels good.

I've already spoken to Sy,

and he's on board for Dan being fully in charge.

Fine. I'll do it.

Hey. But no comp tickets!

You want to see the show, you pay!

The only catch is we need to come up with our opening number

to show investors in three days.

And now I'll leave before that sinks in.

Uh, well, Dan, looks like we better get to work.

So, what is your memoir about?

You're my agent.

And then-- then here's the big finish, all right?

So then Dan-- Dan picks up the Constitution,

wipes the ash from his face,

and the Constitution says, "Thank you, Dan.

I could have never done this without you!"

And then Dan says, "No, Constitution."

"Thank you."

Ohh!

What else you got?

Come on, Dan. You've hated everything--

the costumes, the actors. - You hated all my ideas.

You just kept saying the show needs more "zazz."

Well, you're crazy if you think it doesn't.

You made Martin cry.

That's probably why Hudson hasn't shown up.

I'm one person.

Well, you cry enough for two.

You hens done cluckin'?

'Cause this rooster's about to make the sun come up.

I can tell you what this show is in one word.

Dan.

Can you maybe give us a few more words?

For me, the moment that best captures

the Dan vibe we're all loving

is the day you won your first case.

Ah, yes. Page 823.

I can see it now.

Young Dan comes to town,

the big man from the Big Easy. in the Big Apple

with nothing but a dream and a bindle full of gator jerky.

♪ I was a boy from the bayou ♪

Now we're talkin' zazz!

Pro tip--

When the cashier sees the soda cup,

she just presses $1.50.

She never asks what's in it.

Why don't you put that down

and we'll have each other for lunch?

Why don't I eat first and then you and I can be dessert?

- So you remember me. - Nope.

Julianne. There you are.

I lost track of you after you locked me in the elevator.

It's no use, Wyatt.

It's only a matter of time before I'm wearing that man

like a weighted blanket.

Okay. Stop looking at him.

Is this whole thing Dan's book?

I've been carrying it around, hoping to pass it to someone

like an ancient curse. - Ugh!

It's pompous. It's self-indulgent.

It's a turn-off in every possible way.

It...

- Oh. - This is just the distraction I need.

Oh, thank you, Wyatt.

I'm glad I caught you.

Caught me doing what? This is root beer.

Sy, you are going to love what we came up with.

The Tonys are already knockin'.

To be clear, the Tonys are two cafeteria workers

who love to sing.

But shows we're getting buzz!

I can't wait to see it.

One thought. Get rid of all of it.

This show isn't about Dan anymore.

It's about you. - Me?

Sy, the whole reason we're doing this thing

is to give Dan a chance to tell his story.

Well, that was before I found out that my biggest investor

has a tiny blond granddaughter.

Awful kid. The voice of a beluga whale.

But she wants to play the lead,

so I said yes before the end of the sentence.

But she sings like a beluga whale!

Hey! That's our star you're talking about!

Look. Let me make this plain.

You don't get Dan on board with this new direction,

this musical goes away.

Ball's in your court.

Ooh! That could be your opening number.

♪ Ball's in your court ♪

♪ I'm blond, and I'm short ♪

♪ I have a little hammer that goes bam, bam, bam! ♪

Well, you get it.

God, I hate how much I love that.

Why were you brawling?

You are the New York Gay Men's Choir.

You took an oath to put song above all else.

It's not my fault, Your Honor.

When I'm... ♪ Up here ♪

...he's supposed to be... ♪ Down here ♪

But instead he was... ♪ Over here ♪

Where's that? I don't even know.

Oh, yeah, tough guy?

Why don't you sing it to my face?

Oh! Oh! No, you don't--

No! Stop! Stop! Listen.

You guys don't want to end up at Rikers.

The acoustics there are terrible.

The Spring Sing is coming up,

and I refuse to listen to a chorus full of straights.

Okay.

Let's cool down with a night in holding.

Yeah, that's in the basement.

♪ Which is down there ♪

And a-five, six, seven, eight.

That's how many people you'll be sharing a cell with.

Hey. I want to talk about the show.

Sorry. W-Who's your friend?

Oh, this is Broadway's Roland Kincaid.

I've cast him as Dan.

I'm shadowing him to capture his essence.

Oh. Right. Like that's possible.

Well, Dan, fake Dan, I love that you're getting into this.

But here's an idea just coming to me now.

What if we keep the great themes from the book

but shift the focus a bit to... I don't know.

Let's say a... female judge.

Oh, yes. The great themes.

Because after all, that's what's really important.

Even more so than who the show is actually about.

Exactly. So we're on the same page.

Oh, yes. The same page.

The page of betrayal!

You're trying to steal my show! - I'm not trying to steal it.

I'm trying to save it.

Sy says the show's off

if his investor's granddaughter doesn't get the lead.

Oh, y-- Oh, no. No, no.

I'll handle this.

I was promised complete creative control.

If that is no longer the case, I'm out.

Roland, let's go.

- Ooh! - Ooh!

- ♪ Drama ♪ - ♪ Drama ♪

That was beautiful. Okay.

We should really get you gentlemen to jail.

What are you doing here?

Shouldn't you be strapping into a dance belt and vocalizing?

The show is off.

Uh, theater is dead anyway.

You know, I've decided to make a pivot

and turn my magnum opus into a series of TokTiks.

Well, that's a shame.

You know, I read your book, and, um...

Well, it was better than I expected. Yeah.

Did you really do an unassisted appendectomy in an igloo?

Yeah. But just the one.

Oh.

The ending didn't really work for me, then.

Oh, the part where I met the love of my life

wasn't a satisfactory conclusion?

Sorry I didn't marry a Gone Girl with a dragon tattoo.

No. But that's just it.

It didn't feel like a conclusion.

It felt like the beginning of your third act.

You come out of retirement,

you team up with your old friend's daughter,

and you become the kind of man

whose friends put on a musical about his dumb life.

You know, you throw in a scene where you save the Constitution,

and I think you've got a bestseller.

- Murray got to you. - Yeah.

He gave me the whole sweaty pitch.

Hey, Dan. I'm sorry about Sy.

Oh! You said his name. Great.

Now I have to read your stupid book again.

Listen. I think we could still get your show made.

You know how many NYU students will work for nothing

if we promise it'll upset their parents?

You know, you tell Sy the showcase is back on.

So you'll do Sy's version of the show?

No. I've got a much better idea than that.

But we will not tell him.

Oh. Also, we will not tell him that we're going to Chili's

after the performance.

How are ya? How are ya?

Good to see ya. Beautiful night for a showcase!

Thank you for making my changes.

These things happen in the theater.

"Annie" was originally about this leggy broad

named Miss Hannigan,

and her big number was called "Today"!

You know, it is remarkable

how literally nothing you say is true.

So, is everyone here?

No, no, no. I'm waiting for my biggest investor.

And there she is! Hello, gorgeous!

Ow.

Sy, I am furious!

I don't care how good you were in the sack.

Could be many things.

Listen. What were you told and/or what'd you find out?

Well, you said my granddaughter was gonna be the lead,

but now I'm being told that the show's an ensemble.

I see what's happening.

What's happening?

I have used the awesome power of my creative control

to make the show about all of us.

It was very magnanimous of me.

Not on my watch. I'm pulling the funding.

I'm pulling the cash.

Yeah. We figured you'd say that.

That's why we are gonna do it ourselves.

Places, everyone.

All right. We're curtains up in five.

This is so exciting.

I'll be right back. I think I'm gonna be sick.

♪ Crime is up, and the sun is down ♪

♪ Our dankness ranks above any in town ♪

♪ Sure, the vibe might cause depression ♪

♪ Till these two words put court in session ♪

♪ All rise ♪

That means you leave your seat.

- ♪ All rise ♪ - Come on. Get on your feet.

♪ The crimes are dark, but the mood is light ♪

Tell me, Clerk. What's on the docket tonight?

♪ Well, we got drunk intoxications ♪

♪ And several urinations ♪

♪ Plus two formal accusations of public masturbations ♪

♪ 20 muggings for the purists and an Elmo flashed a tourist ♪

♪ Although I'm not the surest, I still want to be a jurist ♪

♪ As a student divorcée in need of steady pay ♪

♪ I'll sleep all day until I hear the bailiff say... ♪

- ♪ All rise ♪ - We're just about to start.

- ♪ All rise ♪ - A hellmouth with some heart.

♪ Nightly trials set my spirit free ♪

♪ Lady Justice never sleeps, and neither do we ♪

♪ I can't get enough; I'm here every night ♪

♪ I should be retired, but that never fit right ♪

♪ So I'll lawyer, I'll judge, I'll coach nighttime soccer ♪

♪ 'Cause I want the action and to keep my work locker ♪

The law may be murky, but one thing's clear.

Everybody loves working here.

Wait. I don't know about that.

♪ I was a boy from the bayou ♪

♪ A dirt farmer seeking out fame ♪

♪ Now this place is beneath me ♪

♪ My talents bequeathed me ♪

♪ A chance to shine just the same ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ But after all of my great feats ♪

♪ I'm defending the dumb deadbeats ♪

♪ Feeling there's no one left in my league ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ You know, once, in an igloo... ♪

Well, hey, Stretch. How do you do?

♪ Okay, I'll admit I'm intrigued ♪

- Oh, yeah! - Yeah! Whoo!

♪ All rise ♪

♪ I got my gavel freshly shined ♪

- ♪ All rise ♪ - ♪ Haven't seen the sunshine ♪

♪ In quite some time ♪

♪ We're better together, and that's the conceit ♪

♪ Now let's get some sex workers... ♪

♪ ...back on the stre-e-e-et ♪ - ♪ All rise! ♪

- Night court! - Night court!

Dan, that was great! How do you feel?

Like I should have done a musical sooner.

Well, that was complete trash.

I loved it!

Let me finish.

Didn't doubt you for a second.

Ms. Sinclair, I am prepared to offer you 60% of this show

right here and now.

That's all we needed to hear.

FBI. Hands in the air, Hoffman.

Hudson! You're an FBI agent?

Since when are you a fed?

Since they recruited me out of Yale Drama

to work in their musical crimes division.

Uncle Sy, you just sold 60% of a show

you already sold 300% of.

And that's fraud.

I knew this was gonna happen.

I mean, not this, but I knew he was a crook!

Dan, the only reason I wanted to make your book into a musical

was because I knew it would stink!

You see, I figure you can make more money with a flop

than with a hit. - Like "The Producers."

No! "The Producers" was a hit!

No. It's the plot of "The Producers."

Haven't seen it.

Good Lord. You really are the worst.

That said, when does he get out?

Hey. Here's your pitch pipe back.

Oh, and by the way, Gurgs went home with two Tonys.

Oh! How did I get blisters just from trying on tap shoes?

Got to say, you got stage presence.

I was thinking the same thing.

It was foolish to think that anyone could play me.

So, I know the show isn't happening,

but I'm sure there's someone out there

who's gonna buy your story. - Well, you know what?

I'm pretty sure it's not done yet.

So you might put me in it?

I don't think the book would be complete without you.

Though I may have to turn you into a vampire

to sell more copies.