Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:04,839 --> 00:00:06,339
Aw, Dan.
2
00:00:06,340 --> 00:00:09,217
You have an eyelash.
Make a wish.
3
00:00:09,218 --> 00:00:12,179
Kill me.
4
00:00:13,347 --> 00:00:16,599
Is it me or does Dan seem
grumpier than usual?
5
00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:18,184
You should've heard
what he said
6
00:00:18,185 --> 00:00:20,645
when we saw
a shooting star.
7
00:00:20,646 --> 00:00:22,772
Ohh!
8
00:00:22,773 --> 00:00:26,777
I can't carry that darkness.
I have children.
9
00:00:27,945 --> 00:00:29,446
He's just upset
about his memoirs.
10
00:00:29,447 --> 00:00:31,614
It's been rejected
by every publisher in town.
11
00:00:31,615 --> 00:00:34,701
Yeah. His agent is
so tired of giving him bad news.
12
00:00:34,702 --> 00:00:36,619
I heard he's gonna quit.
- Who's his agent?
13
00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:37,954
Me.
14
00:00:37,955 --> 00:00:40,457
Oh. Sorry.
15
00:00:40,458 --> 00:00:42,000
Oh, I got to take this.
16
00:00:42,001 --> 00:00:43,626
Give me good news, Bobby.
17
00:00:43,627 --> 00:00:47,381
You thought Dan's
book was incredible?
18
00:00:48,215 --> 00:00:50,009
...ly bad.
19
00:00:51,218 --> 00:00:53,888
Don't worry.
It's-- It's not about you.
20
00:00:55,097 --> 00:00:57,348
Right. Someone else's misery
will cheer Dan up.
21
00:00:57,349 --> 00:00:59,893
Any chance the next case
is someone attacked
22
00:00:59,894 --> 00:01:01,603
by their own chimp?
23
00:01:01,604 --> 00:01:06,107
No, but it's a good one--
the people versus Llewelyn Sims.
24
00:01:06,108 --> 00:01:08,610
Mr. Sims is charged
with public indecency.
25
00:01:08,611 --> 00:01:10,987
He was reading a pornographic
novel on the subway.
26
00:01:10,988 --> 00:01:12,155
Come on, man.
27
00:01:12,156 --> 00:01:14,533
It's not
the Staten Island ferry.
28
00:01:15,910 --> 00:01:18,161
But reading pornography
isn't a crime.
29
00:01:18,162 --> 00:01:20,539
It is when you do it out loud.
30
00:01:21,791 --> 00:01:23,875
This is what people
want to read,
31
00:01:23,876 --> 00:01:26,836
pool boys and housewives
slapping together?
32
00:01:26,837 --> 00:01:30,089
You know, I could put that
in my book.
33
00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:33,594
Is the counselor interested
in maybe doing some defending?
34
00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:36,137
Fine.
35
00:01:36,138 --> 00:01:38,723
My client is not
a run-of-the-mill perv.
36
00:01:38,724 --> 00:01:40,934
He was reading this smut
to a friend
37
00:01:40,935 --> 00:01:42,685
who has a visual impairment.
38
00:01:42,686 --> 00:01:45,313
And it is with
the deepest regret
39
00:01:45,314 --> 00:01:48,274
that the defense calls
Sy Hoffman.
40
00:01:48,275 --> 00:01:50,236
That's right!
41
00:01:51,695 --> 00:01:54,490
Applause, applause, applause.
42
00:01:55,533 --> 00:01:57,242
I'm back, Your Honor!
43
00:01:57,243 --> 00:02:00,120
- I'm over here, Mr. Hoffman.
- Who said that?
44
00:02:00,913 --> 00:02:03,206
I'm sorry.
I just had my eyes dilated.
45
00:02:03,207 --> 00:02:06,918
I'm at risk for glaucoma,
which inspired my new musical,
46
00:02:06,919 --> 00:02:09,045
"Glaucoma!"--
exclamation point.
47
00:02:09,046 --> 00:02:10,588
♪ Glaucoma ♪
48
00:02:10,589 --> 00:02:14,301
♪ When the pressure's
right behind your eyes ♪
49
00:02:14,927 --> 00:02:17,720
And the defendant was reading
you pornography because...
50
00:02:17,721 --> 00:02:21,516
Because I'm always on the
lookout for a new story to tell.
51
00:02:21,517 --> 00:02:23,560
Ah. Yes.
52
00:02:23,561 --> 00:02:25,645
A lot of great musicals
were based on porn.
53
00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:29,065
You know, "Grease"
was originally titled "Lube."
54
00:02:29,066 --> 00:02:30,400
- Is that true?
- No.
55
00:02:30,401 --> 00:02:32,152
Who said that?
56
00:02:38,242 --> 00:02:40,285
{\an8}Dan, I've been looking
everywhere for you.
57
00:02:40,286 --> 00:02:42,078
{\an8}Yeah.
Well, keep looking.
58
00:02:42,079 --> 00:02:44,122
{\an8}I think I'm in the bathroom
on the fifth floor.
59
00:02:44,123 --> 00:02:47,292
{\an8}So, you know how no one
saw value in your life story?
60
00:02:47,293 --> 00:02:49,002
{\an8}Yes.
61
00:02:49,003 --> 00:02:51,839
{\an8}But it's nice to be reminded.
62
00:02:52,339 --> 00:02:55,425
{\an8}I found someone who thinks
audiences will love it.
63
00:02:55,426 --> 00:02:56,969
{\an8}Hello.
64
00:02:58,804 --> 00:03:00,930
{\an8}Please tell me the person
interested in my memoirs
65
00:03:00,931 --> 00:03:04,018
{\an8}is standing behind
this unethical blowfish.
66
00:03:05,102 --> 00:03:07,145
{\an8}Dan, I love your book.
67
00:03:07,146 --> 00:03:08,771
{\an8}You read it?
I thought your eyes didn't work.
68
00:03:08,772 --> 00:03:11,649
{\an8}Well, it was a little blurry,
but I got the gist.
69
00:03:11,650 --> 00:03:15,028
{\an8}And I think it'll make
an incredible musical.
70
00:03:15,029 --> 00:03:16,446
{\an8}Isn't that great?
71
00:03:16,447 --> 00:03:18,781
{\an8}Now your story can be performed
every night.
72
00:03:18,782 --> 00:03:20,283
{\an8}You'll get applause, Dan.
73
00:03:20,284 --> 00:03:22,327
{\an8}You can't clap
when you're reading a book.
74
00:03:22,328 --> 00:03:23,537
{\an8}You'd drop it.
75
00:03:24,788 --> 00:03:27,457
{\an8}For music and lyrics,
I got Hudson Ann Martin.
76
00:03:27,458 --> 00:03:29,417
{\an8}Wow, Dan!
Hudson and Martin!
77
00:03:29,418 --> 00:03:31,461
{\an8}I wish I could get
Hudson and Martin.
78
00:03:31,462 --> 00:03:35,257
{\an8}I got Hudson Ann Martin--
middle name Ann.
79
00:03:36,383 --> 00:03:40,219
{\an8}He's not as good, but he's
my close personal nephew.
80
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:43,222
{\an8}The only Hudson I'm gonna be
working with is the river,
81
00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:46,143
{\an8}when I jump in it
with bricks tied to my feet!
82
00:03:46,769 --> 00:03:51,314
{\an8}I tried that, Dan!
Bricks never stay on!
83
00:03:51,315 --> 00:03:54,443
{\an8}I've been cursed with buoyancy.
84
00:03:57,154 --> 00:04:00,031
{\an8}Ugh. I think the coffee creamer
is expired.
85
00:04:00,032 --> 00:04:02,993
{\an8}Ah. Yeah.
Your girls are getting big.
86
00:04:05,079 --> 00:04:06,871
{\an8}You're not listening to me
at all.
87
00:04:06,872 --> 00:04:08,331
{\an8}Mm-hmm.
Sure.
88
00:04:08,332 --> 00:04:11,043
{\an8}Electric cars.
Crazy.
89
00:04:12,461 --> 00:04:14,963
{\an8}- What's going on?
- We used to date.
90
00:04:14,964 --> 00:04:17,757
{\an8}What? You and him?
Him and you? Biblically?
91
00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:21,136
{\an8}Nothing we did could be found
in any Bible.
92
00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:24,013
Sy Hoffman.
93
00:04:24,014 --> 00:04:26,600
That man is a sexual dynamo.
94
00:04:27,851 --> 00:04:30,103
Wait. What?
95
00:04:30,104 --> 00:04:31,980
You see the way he attacks
that sandwich?
96
00:04:35,567 --> 00:04:39,112
He approaches all of his
endeavors with the same gusto.
97
00:04:39,113 --> 00:04:41,197
Did he just swallow
the toothpick?
98
00:04:41,198 --> 00:04:42,992
Uh-oh.
99
00:04:43,701 --> 00:04:45,618
I-I can't get involved
with him again.
100
00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:47,870
He'll just chew me up
and spit me out
101
00:04:47,871 --> 00:04:49,330
like that piece of sandwich foil
102
00:04:49,331 --> 00:04:51,124
that he just fished out
of his mouth.
103
00:04:51,125 --> 00:04:52,834
Ugh.
104
00:04:52,835 --> 00:04:56,212
Maybe I can help.
Yeah. It'll be good practice.
105
00:04:56,213 --> 00:04:57,797
My girls are starting
to like boys,
106
00:04:57,798 --> 00:05:00,008
so I need to learn
how to ruin a vibe real quick.
107
00:05:00,009 --> 00:05:02,260
Oh.
Thank you, Wyatt.
108
00:05:02,261 --> 00:05:04,679
Now he's using his sleeve
as a napkin.
109
00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:06,347
Ah!
110
00:05:06,348 --> 00:05:07,682
Okay.
This is too hot.
111
00:05:07,683 --> 00:05:10,518
I got to go and cool off
in the morgue.
112
00:05:12,187 --> 00:05:13,646
Yeah, I got your text.
113
00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:16,733
There's no way I'm doing
casual Friday. Okay--
114
00:05:16,734 --> 00:05:18,985
What's everybody doing here?
- Don't worry, Dan.
115
00:05:18,986 --> 00:05:20,570
No one wants to see you
in Crocs.
116
00:05:20,571 --> 00:05:23,406
We're here because we think
this musical with Sy
117
00:05:23,407 --> 00:05:25,867
could be just the thing
to get you out of your funk.
118
00:05:25,868 --> 00:05:28,036
Even me, the cool one.
119
00:05:28,037 --> 00:05:30,580
This isn't an intervention?
120
00:05:30,581 --> 00:05:33,666
Well, I-I guess this list
of all the ways you've failed me
121
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,501
can wait.
122
00:05:35,502 --> 00:05:38,254
Okay. Everyone but Julianne
thinks working on this show
123
00:05:38,255 --> 00:05:43,052
could turn that frown
of yours... into a neutral face.
124
00:05:44,261 --> 00:05:46,262
You're asking me to trust
Sy Hoffman.
125
00:05:46,263 --> 00:05:48,097
The man is a sellout.
126
00:05:48,098 --> 00:05:53,312
Do you know he put five Shreks
in his production of "Hamlet"?
127
00:05:54,188 --> 00:05:56,272
And that's just "Hamlet."
This is my story.
128
00:05:56,273 --> 00:05:58,024
This matters!
129
00:05:58,025 --> 00:05:59,692
I totally hear you.
130
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:02,278
Which is why you should ask
for full creative control.
131
00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:03,821
Like Lin-Manuel Miranda
132
00:06:03,822 --> 00:06:06,408
or baristas when they write
your name on a cup.
133
00:06:07,242 --> 00:06:09,202
And we'll be with you
the whole time.
134
00:06:09,203 --> 00:06:11,412
I know everything
there is to know about Broadway.
135
00:06:11,413 --> 00:06:14,207
Flobert does the choreography
for his barbershop quartet.
136
00:06:14,208 --> 00:06:16,209
It's mostly taking off hats
and leaning.
137
00:06:16,210 --> 00:06:19,296
But that's not my limitation.
It's theirs.
138
00:06:19,797 --> 00:06:23,508
"Full creative control"
has a nice ring to it.
139
00:06:23,509 --> 00:06:25,635
People bring me their ideas,
full of hope,
140
00:06:25,636 --> 00:06:29,389
and I crush them
with a withering glance.
141
00:06:30,766 --> 00:06:33,434
Yeah, that feels good.
142
00:06:33,435 --> 00:06:35,269
I've already spoken to Sy,
143
00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:37,980
and he's on board for Dan
being fully in charge.
144
00:06:37,981 --> 00:06:39,315
Fine.
I'll do it.
145
00:06:39,316 --> 00:06:41,317
Hey.
But no comp tickets!
146
00:06:41,318 --> 00:06:44,403
You want to see the show,
you pay!
147
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:46,906
The only catch is we need to
come up with our opening number
148
00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:48,324
to show investors in three days.
149
00:06:48,325 --> 00:06:49,992
And now I'll leave
before that sinks in.
150
00:06:49,993 --> 00:06:54,247
Uh, well, Dan, looks like
we better get to work.
151
00:06:54,248 --> 00:06:57,584
So, what is your memoir about?
152
00:07:00,379 --> 00:07:01,712
You're my agent.
153
00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:09,345
And then-- then here's
the big finish, all right?
154
00:07:09,346 --> 00:07:11,514
So then Dan--
Dan picks up the Constitution,
155
00:07:11,515 --> 00:07:13,182
wipes the ash from his face,
156
00:07:13,183 --> 00:07:15,935
and the Constitution says,
"Thank you, Dan.
157
00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:18,521
I could have never done this
without you!"
158
00:07:18,522 --> 00:07:21,357
And then Dan says,
"No, Constitution."
159
00:07:21,358 --> 00:07:23,944
"Thank you."
160
00:07:25,571 --> 00:07:27,197
Ohh!
161
00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:30,700
What else you got?
162
00:07:30,701 --> 00:07:33,536
Come on, Dan.
You've hated everything--
163
00:07:33,537 --> 00:07:36,706
the costumes, the actors.
- You hated all my ideas.
164
00:07:36,707 --> 00:07:38,833
You just kept saying
the show needs more "zazz."
165
00:07:38,834 --> 00:07:41,461
Well, you're crazy
if you think it doesn't.
166
00:07:42,171 --> 00:07:43,838
You made Martin cry.
167
00:07:43,839 --> 00:07:45,965
That's probably why Hudson
hasn't shown up.
168
00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:48,009
I'm one person.
169
00:07:48,010 --> 00:07:49,636
Well, you cry enough for two.
170
00:07:53,223 --> 00:07:55,475
You hens done cluckin'?
171
00:07:57,519 --> 00:08:00,022
'Cause this rooster's
about to make the sun come up.
172
00:08:01,023 --> 00:08:04,650
I can tell you what this show is
in one word.
173
00:08:04,651 --> 00:08:05,944
Dan.
174
00:08:08,739 --> 00:08:11,532
Can you maybe give us
a few more words?
175
00:08:11,533 --> 00:08:13,451
For me, the moment
that best captures
176
00:08:13,452 --> 00:08:15,036
the Dan vibe we're all loving
177
00:08:15,037 --> 00:08:16,746
is the day you won
your first case.
178
00:08:16,747 --> 00:08:20,291
Ah, yes. Page 823.
179
00:08:20,292 --> 00:08:22,293
I can see it now.
180
00:08:22,294 --> 00:08:24,629
Young Dan comes to town,
181
00:08:24,630 --> 00:08:27,089
the big man from the Big Easy.
in the Big Apple
182
00:08:27,090 --> 00:08:31,094
with nothing but a dream and
a bindle full of gator jerky.
183
00:08:32,262 --> 00:08:37,225
♪ I was a boy from the bayou ♪
184
00:08:37,226 --> 00:08:39,685
Now we're talkin' zazz!
185
00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:44,357
Pro tip--
186
00:08:44,358 --> 00:08:46,442
When the cashier sees
the soda cup,
187
00:08:46,443 --> 00:08:48,486
she just presses $1.50.
188
00:08:48,487 --> 00:08:51,949
She never asks what's in it.
189
00:08:55,285 --> 00:08:56,702
Why don't you put that down
190
00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:59,455
and we'll have each other
for lunch?
191
00:08:59,456 --> 00:09:03,252
Why don't I eat first and then
you and I can be dessert?
192
00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:06,713
- So you remember me.
- Nope.
193
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:10,925
Julianne.
There you are.
194
00:09:10,926 --> 00:09:14,845
I lost track of you after you
locked me in the elevator.
195
00:09:14,846 --> 00:09:16,514
It's no use, Wyatt.
196
00:09:16,515 --> 00:09:19,183
It's only a matter of time
before I'm wearing that man
197
00:09:19,184 --> 00:09:21,645
like a weighted blanket.
198
00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:26,232
Okay.
Stop looking at him.
199
00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:28,109
Is this whole thing Dan's book?
200
00:09:28,110 --> 00:09:30,444
I've been carrying it around,
hoping to pass it to someone
201
00:09:30,445 --> 00:09:32,488
like an ancient curse.
- Ugh!
202
00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:34,740
It's pompous.
It's self-indulgent.
203
00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:37,994
It's a turn-off
in every possible way.
204
00:09:37,995 --> 00:09:39,453
It...
205
00:09:39,454 --> 00:09:43,124
- Oh.
- This is just
the distraction I need.
206
00:09:43,125 --> 00:09:45,585
Oh, thank you, Wyatt.
207
00:09:52,050 --> 00:09:53,467
I'm glad I caught you.
208
00:09:53,468 --> 00:09:56,178
Caught me doing what?
This is root beer.
209
00:09:56,179 --> 00:09:59,098
Sy, you are going to love
what we came up with.
210
00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:00,683
The Tonys are already knockin'.
211
00:10:00,684 --> 00:10:03,102
To be clear, the Tonys
are two cafeteria workers
212
00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:04,228
who love to sing.
213
00:10:04,229 --> 00:10:06,439
But shows we're getting buzz!
214
00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:08,691
I can't wait to see it.
215
00:10:08,692 --> 00:10:11,111
One thought.
Get rid of all of it.
216
00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:13,696
This show isn't about Dan
anymore.
217
00:10:13,697 --> 00:10:15,740
It's about you.
- Me?
218
00:10:15,741 --> 00:10:17,742
Sy, the whole reason
we're doing this thing
219
00:10:17,743 --> 00:10:19,702
is to give Dan a chance
to tell his story.
220
00:10:19,703 --> 00:10:22,330
Well, that was before I found
out that my biggest investor
221
00:10:22,331 --> 00:10:24,332
has a tiny blond granddaughter.
222
00:10:24,333 --> 00:10:27,585
Awful kid.
The voice of a beluga whale.
223
00:10:27,586 --> 00:10:29,879
But she wants to play the lead,
224
00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:33,341
so I said yes
before the end of the sentence.
225
00:10:33,342 --> 00:10:35,384
But she sings
like a beluga whale!
226
00:10:35,385 --> 00:10:38,638
Hey! That's our star
you're talking about!
227
00:10:39,723 --> 00:10:41,182
Look.
Let me make this plain.
228
00:10:41,183 --> 00:10:44,435
You don't get Dan on board
with this new direction,
229
00:10:44,436 --> 00:10:47,146
this musical goes away.
230
00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:48,898
Ball's in your court.
231
00:10:48,899 --> 00:10:51,108
Ooh! That could be
your opening number.
232
00:10:51,109 --> 00:10:52,401
♪ Ball's in your court ♪
233
00:10:52,402 --> 00:10:54,070
♪ I'm blond, and I'm short ♪
234
00:10:54,071 --> 00:10:57,532
♪ I have a little hammer
that goes bam, bam, bam! ♪
235
00:10:58,617 --> 00:11:00,118
Well, you get it.
236
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:05,665
God, I hate how much
I love that.
237
00:11:09,753 --> 00:11:11,253
Why were you brawling?
238
00:11:11,254 --> 00:11:13,047
You are the New York
Gay Men's Choir.
239
00:11:13,048 --> 00:11:16,092
You took an oath
to put song above all else.
240
00:11:16,093 --> 00:11:18,177
It's not my fault, Your Honor.
241
00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:19,720
When I'm... ♪ Up here ♪
242
00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:21,972
...he's supposed to be...
♪ Down here ♪
243
00:11:21,973 --> 00:11:25,393
But instead he was...
♪ Over here ♪
244
00:11:25,394 --> 00:11:27,103
Where's that?
I don't even know.
245
00:11:27,104 --> 00:11:28,521
Oh, yeah, tough guy?
246
00:11:28,522 --> 00:11:30,356
Why don't you sing it
to my face?
247
00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:31,607
Oh! Oh!
No, you don't--
248
00:11:31,608 --> 00:11:33,109
No! Stop! Stop!
Listen.
249
00:11:33,110 --> 00:11:35,403
You guys don't want to end up
at Rikers.
250
00:11:35,404 --> 00:11:38,197
The acoustics there
are terrible.
251
00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:39,865
The Spring Sing is coming up,
252
00:11:39,866 --> 00:11:42,368
and I refuse to listen to
a chorus full of straights.
253
00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:44,620
Okay.
254
00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:46,664
Let's cool down
with a night in holding.
255
00:11:46,665 --> 00:11:48,124
Yeah, that's in the basement.
256
00:11:48,125 --> 00:11:51,794
♪ Which is down there ♪
257
00:11:51,795 --> 00:11:54,130
And a-five, six, seven, eight.
258
00:11:54,131 --> 00:11:57,634
That's how many people
you'll be sharing a cell with.
259
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:02,638
Hey.
I want to talk about the show.
260
00:12:02,639 --> 00:12:04,348
Sorry.
W-Who's your friend?
261
00:12:04,349 --> 00:12:06,308
Oh, this is Broadway's
Roland Kincaid.
262
00:12:06,309 --> 00:12:08,477
I've cast him as Dan.
263
00:12:08,478 --> 00:12:10,646
I'm shadowing him
to capture his essence.
264
00:12:10,647 --> 00:12:13,733
Oh. Right.
Like that's possible.
265
00:12:14,276 --> 00:12:17,611
Well, Dan, fake Dan, I love
that you're getting into this.
266
00:12:17,612 --> 00:12:20,239
But here's an idea
just coming to me now.
267
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:23,576
What if we keep the great themes
from the book
268
00:12:23,577 --> 00:12:26,662
but shift the focus a bit to...
I don't know.
269
00:12:26,663 --> 00:12:29,999
Let's say a... female judge.
270
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:31,834
Oh, yes.
The great themes.
271
00:12:31,835 --> 00:12:36,005
Because after all,
that's what's really important.
272
00:12:36,006 --> 00:12:39,550
Even more so than who the show
is actually about.
273
00:12:39,551 --> 00:12:41,677
Exactly.
So we're on the same page.
274
00:12:41,678 --> 00:12:43,345
Oh, yes.
The same page.
275
00:12:43,346 --> 00:12:46,099
The page of betrayal!
276
00:12:47,392 --> 00:12:50,227
You're trying to steal my show!
- I'm not trying to steal it.
277
00:12:50,228 --> 00:12:51,562
I'm trying to save it.
278
00:12:51,563 --> 00:12:53,189
Sy says the show's off
279
00:12:53,190 --> 00:12:55,357
if his investor's granddaughter
doesn't get the lead.
280
00:12:55,358 --> 00:12:58,736
Oh, y-- Oh, no. No, no.
281
00:12:58,737 --> 00:13:00,654
I'll handle this.
282
00:13:00,655 --> 00:13:03,657
I was promised
complete creative control.
283
00:13:03,658 --> 00:13:07,203
If that is no longer the case,
I'm out.
284
00:13:07,204 --> 00:13:10,123
Roland, let's go.
285
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:13,417
- Ooh!
- Ooh!
286
00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:16,378
- ♪ Drama ♪
- ♪ Drama ♪
287
00:13:16,379 --> 00:13:18,839
That was beautiful.
Okay.
288
00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:21,133
We should really get
you gentlemen to jail.
289
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,429
What are you doing here?
290
00:13:25,430 --> 00:13:29,893
Shouldn't you be strapping into
a dance belt and vocalizing?
291
00:13:31,102 --> 00:13:32,436
The show is off.
292
00:13:32,437 --> 00:13:34,563
Uh, theater is dead anyway.
293
00:13:34,564 --> 00:13:36,398
You know,
I've decided to make a pivot
294
00:13:36,399 --> 00:13:40,820
and turn my magnum opus
into a series of TokTiks.
295
00:13:41,655 --> 00:13:43,906
Well, that's a shame.
296
00:13:43,907 --> 00:13:46,158
You know, I read your book,
and, um...
297
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:49,036
Well, it was better
than I expected. Yeah.
298
00:13:49,037 --> 00:13:52,748
Did you really do an unassisted
appendectomy in an igloo?
299
00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:54,583
Yeah.
But just the one.
300
00:13:54,584 --> 00:13:56,085
Oh.
301
00:13:56,086 --> 00:13:59,255
The ending didn't really work
for me, then.
302
00:13:59,256 --> 00:14:01,215
Oh, the part where I met
the love of my life
303
00:14:01,216 --> 00:14:03,384
wasn't a satisfactory
conclusion?
304
00:14:03,385 --> 00:14:07,680
Sorry I didn't marry a Gone Girl
with a dragon tattoo.
305
00:14:07,681 --> 00:14:09,014
No.
But that's just it.
306
00:14:09,015 --> 00:14:10,891
It didn't feel like
a conclusion.
307
00:14:10,892 --> 00:14:13,644
It felt like the beginning
of your third act.
308
00:14:13,645 --> 00:14:15,145
You come out of retirement,
309
00:14:15,146 --> 00:14:17,690
you team up
with your old friend's daughter,
310
00:14:17,691 --> 00:14:19,358
and you become the kind of man
311
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:23,238
whose friends put on a musical
about his dumb life.
312
00:14:24,406 --> 00:14:27,741
You know, you throw in a scene
where you save the Constitution,
313
00:14:27,742 --> 00:14:29,702
and I think you've got
a bestseller.
314
00:14:29,703 --> 00:14:31,203
- Murray got to you.
- Yeah.
315
00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:34,498
He gave me the whole
sweaty pitch.
316
00:14:34,499 --> 00:14:36,500
Hey, Dan.
I'm sorry about Sy.
317
00:14:36,501 --> 00:14:38,794
Oh! You said his name.
Great.
318
00:14:38,795 --> 00:14:41,256
Now I have to read
your stupid book again.
319
00:14:42,924 --> 00:14:44,967
Listen. I think we could still
get your show made.
320
00:14:44,968 --> 00:14:47,595
You know how many NYU
students will work for nothing
321
00:14:47,596 --> 00:14:49,346
if we promise it'll upset
their parents?
322
00:14:49,347 --> 00:14:52,641
You know, you tell Sy
the showcase is back on.
323
00:14:52,642 --> 00:14:54,935
So you'll do Sy's version
of the show?
324
00:14:54,936 --> 00:14:57,438
No. I've got a much better idea
than that.
325
00:14:57,439 --> 00:14:59,148
But we will not tell him.
326
00:14:59,149 --> 00:15:02,568
Oh. Also, we will not tell him
that we're going to Chili's
327
00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:04,153
after the performance.
328
00:15:07,824 --> 00:15:09,742
How are ya?
How are ya?
329
00:15:09,743 --> 00:15:12,828
Good to see ya.
Beautiful night for a showcase!
330
00:15:12,829 --> 00:15:14,246
Thank you for making my changes.
331
00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:16,290
These things happen
in the theater.
332
00:15:16,291 --> 00:15:19,209
"Annie" was originally
about this leggy broad
333
00:15:19,210 --> 00:15:20,628
named Miss Hannigan,
334
00:15:20,629 --> 00:15:24,340
and her big number
was called "Today"!
335
00:15:24,341 --> 00:15:26,008
You know, it is remarkable
336
00:15:26,009 --> 00:15:28,970
how literally nothing you say
is true.
337
00:15:29,679 --> 00:15:31,013
So, is everyone here?
338
00:15:31,014 --> 00:15:33,182
No, no, no. I'm waiting
for my biggest investor.
339
00:15:33,183 --> 00:15:36,602
And there she is!
Hello, gorgeous!
340
00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:38,854
Ow.
341
00:15:38,855 --> 00:15:40,397
Sy, I am furious!
342
00:15:40,398 --> 00:15:43,902
I don't care how good you were
in the sack.
343
00:15:44,736 --> 00:15:47,029
Could be many things.
344
00:15:47,030 --> 00:15:51,325
Listen. What were you told
and/or what'd you find out?
345
00:15:51,326 --> 00:15:54,912
Well, you said my granddaughter
was gonna be the lead,
346
00:15:54,913 --> 00:15:59,500
but now I'm being told
that the show's an ensemble.
347
00:15:59,501 --> 00:16:01,210
I see what's happening.
348
00:16:01,211 --> 00:16:03,212
What's happening?
349
00:16:03,213 --> 00:16:05,839
I have used the awesome power
of my creative control
350
00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:08,509
to make the show
about all of us.
351
00:16:08,510 --> 00:16:10,719
It was very magnanimous of me.
352
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:12,888
Not on my watch.
I'm pulling the funding.
353
00:16:12,889 --> 00:16:14,223
I'm pulling the cash.
354
00:16:14,224 --> 00:16:16,058
Yeah.
We figured you'd say that.
355
00:16:16,059 --> 00:16:18,644
That's why we are gonna do it
ourselves.
356
00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:20,062
Places, everyone.
357
00:16:20,063 --> 00:16:22,356
All right.
We're curtains up in five.
358
00:16:22,357 --> 00:16:23,899
This is so exciting.
359
00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:26,068
I'll be right back.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
360
00:16:35,829 --> 00:16:40,082
♪ Crime is up,
and the sun is down ♪
361
00:16:40,083 --> 00:16:44,378
♪ Our dankness ranks
above any in town ♪
362
00:16:44,379 --> 00:16:48,882
♪ Sure, the vibe
might cause depression ♪
363
00:16:48,883 --> 00:16:55,222
♪ Till these two words put court
in session ♪
364
00:16:55,223 --> 00:16:57,474
♪ All rise ♪
365
00:16:57,475 --> 00:16:59,059
That means you leave your seat.
366
00:16:59,060 --> 00:17:01,562
- ♪ All rise ♪
- Come on. Get on your feet.
367
00:17:01,563 --> 00:17:04,106
♪ The crimes are dark,
but the mood is light ♪
368
00:17:04,107 --> 00:17:07,901
Tell me, Clerk.
What's on the docket tonight?
369
00:17:07,902 --> 00:17:10,612
♪ Well,
we got drunk intoxications ♪
370
00:17:10,613 --> 00:17:12,406
♪ And several urinations ♪
371
00:17:12,407 --> 00:17:14,575
♪ Plus two formal accusations
of public masturbations ♪
372
00:17:14,576 --> 00:17:17,578
♪ 20 muggings for the purists
and an Elmo flashed a tourist ♪
373
00:17:17,579 --> 00:17:20,539
♪ Although I'm not the surest,
I still want to be a jurist ♪
374
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:23,292
♪ As a student divorcée
in need of steady pay ♪
375
00:17:23,293 --> 00:17:26,920
♪ I'll sleep all day until
I hear the bailiff say... ♪
376
00:17:26,921 --> 00:17:28,964
- ♪ All rise ♪
- We're just about to start.
377
00:17:28,965 --> 00:17:31,425
- ♪ All rise ♪
- A hellmouth with some heart.
378
00:17:31,426 --> 00:17:33,761
♪ Nightly trials
set my spirit free ♪
379
00:17:33,762 --> 00:17:37,139
♪ Lady Justice never sleeps,
and neither do we ♪
380
00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:39,266
♪ I can't get enough;
I'm here every night ♪
381
00:17:39,267 --> 00:17:41,643
♪ I should be retired,
but that never fit right ♪
382
00:17:41,644 --> 00:17:44,563
♪ So I'll lawyer, I'll judge,
I'll coach nighttime soccer ♪
383
00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:48,317
♪ 'Cause I want the action
and to keep my work locker ♪
384
00:17:48,318 --> 00:17:51,195
The law may be murky,
but one thing's clear.
385
00:17:51,196 --> 00:17:53,947
Everybody loves working here.
386
00:17:53,948 --> 00:17:57,243
Wait. I don't know about that.
387
00:17:59,496 --> 00:18:04,500
♪ I was a boy from the bayou ♪
388
00:18:04,501 --> 00:18:09,254
♪ A dirt farmer
seeking out fame ♪
389
00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:12,174
♪ Now this place is beneath me ♪
390
00:18:12,175 --> 00:18:15,219
♪ My talents bequeathed me ♪
391
00:18:15,220 --> 00:18:18,847
♪ A chance to shine
just the same ♪
392
00:18:18,848 --> 00:18:20,265
♪ Oh, oh ♪
393
00:18:20,266 --> 00:18:23,393
♪ But after all
of my great feats ♪
394
00:18:23,394 --> 00:18:25,687
♪ I'm defending
the dumb deadbeats ♪
395
00:18:25,688 --> 00:18:29,358
♪ Feeling there's no one left
in my league ♪
396
00:18:29,359 --> 00:18:31,109
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
397
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:34,154
♪ You know, once,
in an igloo... ♪
398
00:18:34,155 --> 00:18:36,865
Well, hey, Stretch.
How do you do?
399
00:18:36,866 --> 00:18:41,870
♪ Okay,
I'll admit I'm intrigued ♪
400
00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:45,040
- Oh, yeah!
- Yeah! Whoo!
401
00:18:51,381 --> 00:18:54,299
♪ All rise ♪
402
00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:58,804
♪ I got my gavel
freshly shined ♪
403
00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:01,974
- ♪ All rise ♪
- ♪ Haven't seen the sunshine ♪
404
00:19:01,975 --> 00:19:04,476
♪ In quite some time ♪
405
00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:07,229
♪ We're better together,
and that's the conceit ♪
406
00:19:07,230 --> 00:19:11,734
♪ Now let's get
some sex workers... ♪
407
00:19:12,694 --> 00:19:20,117
♪ ...back on the stre-e-e-et ♪
- ♪ All rise! ♪
408
00:19:20,118 --> 00:19:21,451
- Night court!
- Night court!
409
00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:31,128
Dan, that was great!
How do you feel?
410
00:19:31,129 --> 00:19:34,590
Like I should have done
a musical sooner.
411
00:19:34,591 --> 00:19:37,050
Well, that was complete trash.
412
00:19:37,051 --> 00:19:38,969
I loved it!
413
00:19:38,970 --> 00:19:41,346
Let me finish.
414
00:19:41,347 --> 00:19:43,640
Didn't doubt you for a second.
415
00:19:43,641 --> 00:19:47,603
Ms. Sinclair, I am prepared
to offer you 60% of this show
416
00:19:47,604 --> 00:19:48,770
right here and now.
417
00:19:48,771 --> 00:19:50,230
That's all we needed to hear.
418
00:19:50,231 --> 00:19:53,191
FBI.
Hands in the air, Hoffman.
419
00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:54,776
Hudson!
You're an FBI agent?
420
00:19:54,777 --> 00:19:56,194
Since when are you a fed?
421
00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:58,113
Since they recruited me
out of Yale Drama
422
00:19:58,114 --> 00:20:00,407
to work in their musical crimes
division.
423
00:20:00,408 --> 00:20:03,785
Uncle Sy, you just sold
60% of a show
424
00:20:03,786 --> 00:20:05,871
you already sold 300% of.
425
00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:07,289
And that's fraud.
426
00:20:07,290 --> 00:20:09,124
I knew this was gonna happen.
427
00:20:09,125 --> 00:20:11,960
I mean, not this,
but I knew he was a crook!
428
00:20:11,961 --> 00:20:15,213
Dan, the only reason I wanted
to make your book into a musical
429
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:16,882
was because I knew
it would stink!
430
00:20:16,883 --> 00:20:20,302
You see, I figure you can
make more money with a flop
431
00:20:20,303 --> 00:20:22,804
than with a hit.
- Like "The Producers."
432
00:20:22,805 --> 00:20:25,140
No! "The Producers" was a hit!
433
00:20:25,141 --> 00:20:27,017
No. It's the plot
of "The Producers."
434
00:20:27,018 --> 00:20:29,186
Haven't seen it.
435
00:20:29,187 --> 00:20:32,648
Good Lord.
You really are the worst.
436
00:20:32,649 --> 00:20:35,484
That said, when does he get out?
437
00:20:38,529 --> 00:20:41,198
Hey.
Here's your pitch pipe back.
438
00:20:41,199 --> 00:20:44,661
Oh, and by the way,
Gurgs went home with two Tonys.
439
00:20:46,829 --> 00:20:50,625
Oh! How did I get blisters
just from trying on tap shoes?
440
00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:54,920
{\an8}Got to say,
you got stage presence.
441
00:20:54,921 --> 00:20:56,463
{\an8}I was thinking the same thing.
442
00:20:56,464 --> 00:20:59,759
{\an8}It was foolish to think
that anyone could play me.
443
00:21:01,386 --> 00:21:03,512
{\an8}So, I know the show
isn't happening,
444
00:21:03,513 --> 00:21:05,305
{\an8}but I'm sure there's someone
out there
445
00:21:05,306 --> 00:21:07,391
{\an8}who's gonna buy your story.
- Well, you know what?
446
00:21:07,392 --> 00:21:10,103
{\an8}I'm pretty sure
it's not done yet.
447
00:21:11,980 --> 00:21:13,814
{\an8}So you might put me in it?
448
00:21:13,815 --> 00:21:17,025
{\an8}I don't think the book
would be complete without you.
449
00:21:17,026 --> 00:21:19,528
{\an8}Though I may have to
turn you into a vampire
450
00:21:19,529 --> 00:21:21,990
{\an8}to sell more copies.
34347
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof