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1
00:00:05,423 --> 00:00:07,716
This is nice.
Just the boys.
2
00:00:07,717 --> 00:00:09,759
And you ruined it.
3
00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:12,262
All right, people, we knew this
day was coming, and it's here.
4
00:00:12,263 --> 00:00:14,264
Straighten your ties
and cover your thighs.
5
00:00:14,265 --> 00:00:16,141
Oh, no, I have a note
from my doctor
6
00:00:16,142 --> 00:00:19,853
that says my thighs can
be uncovered in the workplace.
7
00:00:19,854 --> 00:00:21,521
Unh-unh. Not tonight.
8
00:00:21,522 --> 00:00:23,898
Gurgs just told me
that Dr. Nitelife is coming.
9
00:00:23,899 --> 00:00:25,650
And since I take
on other people's energies,
10
00:00:25,651 --> 00:00:27,736
I'm freaking out.
- Who's Dr. Nitelife?
11
00:00:27,737 --> 00:00:29,279
- Dr. Nitelife...
- Not a real name.
12
00:00:29,280 --> 00:00:30,530
...is an obnoxious
TikTok influencer...
13
00:00:30,531 --> 00:00:32,115
Not a real job.
14
00:00:32,116 --> 00:00:33,867
...who goes around
making fun of places.
15
00:00:33,868 --> 00:00:36,578
Not a-- [ Laughs ] Not a bad
way to spend a day.
16
00:00:36,579 --> 00:00:38,496
Last time he was here,
he put us on the list
17
00:00:38,497 --> 00:00:39,956
of New York's biggest circuses.
18
00:00:39,957 --> 00:00:43,251
We were ahead of a real circus.
19
00:00:43,252 --> 00:00:46,172
I mean, he's not wrong.
We do have Sheila.
20
00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:51,802
I bet that's a macchia-toe.
21
00:00:53,888 --> 00:00:56,890
Come on, guys,
that was a good one.
22
00:00:56,891 --> 00:00:58,767
Sheila gotta go,
along with everything else
23
00:00:58,768 --> 00:01:00,393
that makes this place weird.
24
00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:02,061
I can't end up on
that list again.
25
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:04,355
Gurgs, aren't you
taking this a little personally?
26
00:01:04,356 --> 00:01:06,441
None of you were here.
You don't understand.
27
00:01:06,442 --> 00:01:09,944
He called me a fail-iff,
Dan, fail-iff!
28
00:01:09,945 --> 00:01:12,489
Okay, I say this
as your friend.
29
00:01:12,490 --> 00:01:15,492
I'm probably going to use that.
30
00:01:15,493 --> 00:01:17,786
#fail-iff was huge.
31
00:01:17,787 --> 00:01:19,621
Is this video you trying
to tackle a streaker
32
00:01:19,622 --> 00:01:21,039
covered in butter?
33
00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:24,584
He tasted like a lobster roll.
34
00:01:24,585 --> 00:01:26,711
But that's not going
to happen this year.
35
00:01:26,712 --> 00:01:28,296
I'm locking down our crazy.
36
00:01:28,297 --> 00:01:29,964
We're going to have a nice,
37
00:01:29,965 --> 00:01:33,051
bland evening on account
of my secret weapon.
38
00:01:33,052 --> 00:01:35,929
- It's me. I'm a secret weapon.
- More of that.
39
00:01:35,930 --> 00:01:38,765
Influencers hate genuine
enthusiasm.
40
00:01:38,766 --> 00:01:42,310
Almost as much as they hate
my other secret weapon.
41
00:01:42,311 --> 00:01:45,230
Lame dads.
42
00:01:45,231 --> 00:01:49,400
Would a lame dad have
this cool leather bracelet?
43
00:01:49,401 --> 00:01:51,319
Look, I love this place,
44
00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:53,655
but sometimes I'd like it if it
were a little less this place.
45
00:01:53,656 --> 00:01:56,616
So, for one night only,
let's have no big surprises.
46
00:01:56,617 --> 00:01:59,577
Nobody move! I have a bomb!
47
00:01:59,578 --> 00:02:03,039
JK. I'm just here
to pick something up.
48
00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:05,584
Put me down, Heather.
I'm a secret weapon.
49
00:02:07,294 --> 00:02:09,587
Wow. Crazy Heather's
still alive.
50
00:02:09,588 --> 00:02:12,799
I owe you guys $50.
51
00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:16,928
The only thing
I'm crazy about is my new baby.
52
00:02:16,929 --> 00:02:19,597
Oh, shoot. I left him strapped
to the changing table.
53
00:02:19,598 --> 00:02:21,433
Mom brain. BRB.
54
00:02:24,270 --> 00:02:27,106
So, no one's gonna
ask about my cool bracelet?
55
00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:37,115
{\an8}So this is your baby?
Like, you gave birth to him?
56
00:02:37,116 --> 00:02:39,868
{\an8}This isn't a finders
keepers situation?
57
00:02:39,869 --> 00:02:43,538
{\an8}Nope. He's mine.
His name is DiGiorno.
58
00:02:43,539 --> 00:02:45,039
{\an8}I named him after the pizza
I was eating
59
00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:48,126
{\an8}when he was conceived.
60
00:02:48,127 --> 00:02:50,336
{\an8}Guess this is why I haven't
heard from you in nine months.
61
00:02:50,337 --> 00:02:51,921
{\an8}I thought maybe you were mad
at me
62
00:02:51,922 --> 00:02:53,715
{\an8}for throwing your whale tail
in jail.
63
00:02:53,716 --> 00:02:55,758
{\an8}You throwing my whale tail
in jail
64
00:02:55,759 --> 00:02:58,011
{\an8}was just the wake-up
call I needed.
65
00:02:58,012 --> 00:03:00,889
{\an8}I realized I had to start
acting like a grown-up.
66
00:03:00,890 --> 00:03:04,559
{\an8}And what's more
grown up than getting pregnant?
67
00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:06,728
{\an8}I might have started
with Sudoku.
68
00:03:06,729 --> 00:03:09,188
{\an8}You don't have to keep
Sudoku alive.
69
00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:11,232
{\an8}Ooh, my boobs are barking.
70
00:03:11,233 --> 00:03:14,235
{\an8}I got to pop off another couple
dozen bottles for this bruiser.
71
00:03:14,236 --> 00:03:16,070
{\an8}He eats like The Rock
on cheat day.
72
00:03:16,071 --> 00:03:17,614
{\an8}You're good with babies, right?
73
00:03:17,615 --> 00:03:20,283
{\an8}Oh, yeah. Me likey the babies.
74
00:03:20,284 --> 00:03:22,911
{\an8}Oh, there's one spot on his
head that will kill him.
75
00:03:22,912 --> 00:03:25,456
{\an8}Don't touch it. Bye!
76
00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:32,087
{\an8}So, um,
what kind of books are you into?
77
00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:36,257
{\an8}Wow. You finally meet a man
who's shorter than you,
78
00:03:36,258 --> 00:03:38,301
{\an8}and you're blowing it.
79
00:03:38,302 --> 00:03:40,803
{\an8}I just don't know how to start
a conversation with a baby.
80
00:03:40,804 --> 00:03:42,680
{\an8}That's surprising.
81
00:03:42,681 --> 00:03:44,432
{\an8}I figured you'd be a pile
of mush by now.
82
00:03:44,433 --> 00:03:48,144
{\an8}Yeah, who's Abby's little yummy,
scrummy chummy?
83
00:03:48,145 --> 00:03:50,813
{\an8}Things of that nature.
84
00:03:50,814 --> 00:03:52,690
{\an8}Just because I look like Dawn
85
00:03:52,691 --> 00:03:55,735
{\an8}from "The Baby-Sitters Club"
doesn't mean I love babies.
86
00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:58,446
{\an8}The truth is, I just
don't get the whole baby thing.
87
00:03:58,447 --> 00:04:00,281
{\an8}But if you say that to people,
88
00:04:00,282 --> 00:04:01,783
{\an8}they act like there's
something wrong with you.
89
00:04:01,784 --> 00:04:03,409
{\an8}Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I get the same reaction
90
00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:05,078
{\an8}when I tell people
I don't like kittens.
91
00:04:05,079 --> 00:04:08,957
{\an8}You don't like kittens?
What's wrong with you?
92
00:04:08,958 --> 00:04:12,710
{\an8}They sense death, Abby.
93
00:04:12,711 --> 00:04:15,880
{\an8}Nothing cute about
the dark magic.
94
00:04:15,881 --> 00:04:18,257
{\an8}Yeah, well, babies bring
nothing to the table.
95
00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:20,343
{\an8}I mean, kids, kids are fun.
96
00:04:20,344 --> 00:04:24,097
{\an8}They do stuff, but babies just
sit there all high and mighty.
97
00:04:24,098 --> 00:04:25,974
{\an8}When they cry on planes,
98
00:04:25,975 --> 00:04:28,101
{\an8}the flight attendant brings
around extra pretzels.
99
00:04:28,102 --> 00:04:30,813
{\an8}When I cry, they make
me shut off "The Notebook."
100
00:04:32,690 --> 00:04:35,900
I mean, what is anyone
even supposed to do with this...
101
00:04:35,901 --> 00:04:38,152
yummy chummy scrummy?
102
00:04:38,153 --> 00:04:39,904
I was just telling Dan
103
00:04:39,905 --> 00:04:41,739
I want to braise those
little ham hocks in a Crock-Pot
104
00:04:41,740 --> 00:04:45,284
I got at a bargain aisle
at a TJ Maxx.
105
00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:47,453
Ugh. Can you guys believe it?
106
00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:51,165
My travel pump exploded.
Can't handle my flow.
107
00:04:51,166 --> 00:04:53,711
And with that, adieu.
108
00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:57,880
What's his deal?
He still mad
109
00:04:57,881 --> 00:04:59,799
I didn't call him back
after our date?
110
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:02,093
When someone is your lawyer,
it doesn't count as a date.
111
00:05:02,094 --> 00:05:03,928
- But--
- I know you're both dressed up.
112
00:05:03,929 --> 00:05:05,264
Still doesn't count.
113
00:05:09,601 --> 00:05:12,145
Your Honor, my client told
her family for years
114
00:05:12,146 --> 00:05:14,439
that she was in "The Lion King."
So when they came to town,
115
00:05:14,440 --> 00:05:16,399
what choice did she have
116
00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:20,778
but to sneak on stage
dressed as a gnu?
117
00:05:20,779 --> 00:05:23,865
She caused a stampede
that trampled a father,
118
00:05:23,866 --> 00:05:25,950
forcing his son
to live with a warthog
119
00:05:25,951 --> 00:05:28,119
and his meerkat "boyfriend."
120
00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:30,663
$100 fine.
121
00:05:30,664 --> 00:05:32,248
Next time, let your parents down
122
00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:35,960
the old-fashioned way,
with a tattoo.
123
00:05:35,961 --> 00:05:38,755
Deej, let this be a lesson.
That lady's only crime
124
00:05:38,756 --> 00:05:41,507
was getting caught.
125
00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:43,801
Okay, girls, to get ready
for Dr. Nitelife,
126
00:05:43,802 --> 00:05:46,763
I pushed the rest of
the freaky cases, but be warned,
127
00:05:46,764 --> 00:05:48,806
tomorrow night will be weird.
128
00:05:48,807 --> 00:05:51,851
You're going to want
to put down some tarps.
129
00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:54,437
Well, I appreciate the help,
Wyatt.
130
00:05:54,438 --> 00:05:56,647
What? I am being so boring.
131
00:05:56,648 --> 00:05:58,483
We just had "Lion King"
on trial,
132
00:05:58,484 --> 00:06:01,152
and I didn't do one voice,
and I could do all of them.
133
00:06:01,153 --> 00:06:03,321
"Simba."
134
00:06:03,322 --> 00:06:05,031
"Dad!"
135
00:06:05,032 --> 00:06:10,495
"And I'm the lion
that's for some reason British."
136
00:06:10,496 --> 00:06:12,455
But why is Crazy Heather
still here?
137
00:06:12,456 --> 00:06:14,290
I spent a lot of time
weeding out all the nuts
138
00:06:14,291 --> 00:06:15,708
from the gallery.
139
00:06:15,709 --> 00:06:17,252
You, show me your hand.
140
00:06:19,338 --> 00:06:21,006
The other one.
141
00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:29,847
But none of that matters
if Dr. Nitelife gets a video
142
00:06:29,848 --> 00:06:32,308
of me tackling your wild friend
and her baby.
143
00:06:32,309 --> 00:06:34,185
Fine. I'll ask her to leave.
144
00:06:34,186 --> 00:06:35,978
I'm just waiting for
the right moment.
145
00:06:35,979 --> 00:06:38,564
And she's talking to Dan.
The moment has arrived.
146
00:06:38,565 --> 00:06:40,942
Hey, Papa Smurf, you look wise.
147
00:06:40,943 --> 00:06:43,611
Any advice for my
little deep dish?
148
00:06:43,612 --> 00:06:46,030
You can file for emancipation
at age eight.
149
00:06:46,031 --> 00:06:48,866
Do it.
150
00:06:48,867 --> 00:06:51,410
And some advice for you.
Get your phone out of my face.
151
00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:53,371
Oh. It's actually
DiGiorno's phone.
152
00:06:53,372 --> 00:06:56,125
It's an Android. What a nerd.
153
00:06:57,709 --> 00:06:59,836
Heather, I can't believe
you're wasting your one night
154
00:06:59,837 --> 00:07:01,754
in the city
cooped up here with a baby.
155
00:07:01,755 --> 00:07:03,589
You should go out, have fun.
156
00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:05,341
Oh, Abby.
You really don't mind?
157
00:07:05,342 --> 00:07:07,760
Oh, no. Come on,
get out of here, you.
158
00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:10,930
Oh, thank you so much.
I really need a night out.
159
00:07:10,931 --> 00:07:13,516
Okay, I'm going to go
to the club
160
00:07:13,517 --> 00:07:16,352
and let these boobs do
what they were made for.
161
00:07:16,353 --> 00:07:19,480
- Oh, no. No, I didn't mean--
- Oh, you're not mean at all.
162
00:07:19,481 --> 00:07:22,024
Real quick.
"Waah!" means he's hungry.
163
00:07:22,025 --> 00:07:26,612
"Waah" means he's sleepy.
And "waah!" means he's happy.
164
00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:28,739
He screams when he's happy?
165
00:07:28,740 --> 00:07:31,034
Oh, yeah, he screams all
the time. You're gonna love it.
166
00:07:33,078 --> 00:07:36,205
Good news.
Got rid of crazy Heather.
167
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:40,586
And that's the end
of the good news.
168
00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:46,632
All right, Wyatt, I lost
Abby to a baby,
169
00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:49,051
so you're going to have to bore
Dr. Nitelife all by yourself.
170
00:07:49,052 --> 00:07:50,845
I don't know if I'm your guy,
Gurgs.
171
00:07:50,846 --> 00:07:52,930
I just read a pretty
interesting article about
172
00:07:52,931 --> 00:07:55,016
when to marinate
or went to rub your ribs.
173
00:07:55,017 --> 00:07:58,519
Spoiler alert-- always rub.
174
00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,271
Why aren't you asking me
for help?
175
00:08:00,272 --> 00:08:03,441
Because I need someone normal
for this job.
176
00:08:03,442 --> 00:08:05,485
You don't think I'm normal?
177
00:08:08,071 --> 00:08:10,323
It's because of my head,
isn't it?
178
00:08:10,324 --> 00:08:14,203
I'm too bald.
Your words, not mine.
179
00:08:17,039 --> 00:08:22,001
The doctor is in,
and I need 10 cc of rizz.
180
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:24,754
Luckily, we just got to the
dumbest place I've ever seen.
181
00:08:24,755 --> 00:08:28,674
Oh, and here's our
favorite fail-iff!
182
00:08:30,427 --> 00:08:34,013
What kind of circus
do you have for me this year?
183
00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:36,057
Why is it boring in here?
184
00:08:36,058 --> 00:08:39,644
Where are my tweakers, freakers,
and hot-butted streakers?
185
00:08:39,645 --> 00:08:41,896
Well, Doc,
sorry to disappoint you,
186
00:08:41,897 --> 00:08:44,565
but I don't think you'll be
seeing anything freaky tonight.
187
00:08:44,566 --> 00:08:46,985
Certainly not behind you.
188
00:08:48,904 --> 00:08:51,697
- Hi.
- Hi. Hi. I'm Wyatt.
189
00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:53,282
I'll be giving you a tour
of this courthouse.
190
00:08:53,283 --> 00:08:55,243
Let's start in the hallway.
191
00:08:55,244 --> 00:08:57,578
Did you know that hallways
weren't invented until 1597?
192
00:08:57,579 --> 00:08:59,580
I learned that on a documentary
193
00:08:59,581 --> 00:09:02,209
that Ken Burns called
his greatest mistake.
194
00:09:05,420 --> 00:09:07,213
Get a room, you two.
195
00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:10,259
And when you're done, put those
things through the wash on hot.
196
00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:18,057
Do you like this?
Is this fun for you?
197
00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:21,852
Okay, okay. It's not my fault
you're too dumb for fun toys.
198
00:09:21,853 --> 00:09:24,814
I got to say, I sure hope this
goes better
199
00:09:24,815 --> 00:09:27,942
than when you fostered
that little squirrel.
200
00:09:27,943 --> 00:09:29,443
I've never seen
an animal so willing to jump
201
00:09:29,444 --> 00:09:31,445
in front of a garbage truck.
202
00:09:31,446 --> 00:09:35,408
That was not my fault.
Zippers was born sad.
203
00:09:35,409 --> 00:09:37,243
I hate to be
a backseat babysitter,
204
00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:39,745
but you plan on doing
anything about the crying?
205
00:09:39,746 --> 00:09:42,081
I don't get it.
I fed him, I changed him.
206
00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:45,042
He has his phone.
207
00:09:45,043 --> 00:09:47,044
I'm starting to believe
that you don't like babies
208
00:09:47,045 --> 00:09:51,215
because babies
don't-a like-a you.
209
00:09:51,216 --> 00:09:53,426
I've met tons of babies
who love me.
210
00:09:53,427 --> 00:09:57,264
Oh, oh, hey. Got a fun game.
Name one.
211
00:09:59,391 --> 00:10:01,475
Um, well, um,
there was this baby
212
00:10:01,476 --> 00:10:03,394
at a beach once who shot
me a look
213
00:10:03,395 --> 00:10:06,564
when a dog was trying to pull
down its swim trunks, so...
214
00:10:06,565 --> 00:10:08,899
That's a Coppertone ad.
215
00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:10,901
Okay.
216
00:10:10,902 --> 00:10:12,611
So I've never met a baby
who likes me,
217
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,739
but that's just
because I haven't tried.
218
00:10:14,740 --> 00:10:18,409
If I turned on the charm, this
baby would be obsessed with me.
219
00:10:18,410 --> 00:10:20,786
Watch.
220
00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:23,956
Where's Aunt Abby?
There I am.
221
00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:26,625
Oh, jeez!
222
00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:28,461
I thought you disappeared.
223
00:10:28,462 --> 00:10:30,380
Don't ever do that again.
224
00:10:32,841 --> 00:10:35,134
Interesting fact
about this courthouse.
225
00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:36,802
You know "12 Angry Men"?
226
00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:38,596
"Runaway Jury"?
"Legally Blonde"?
227
00:10:38,597 --> 00:10:41,015
None of them were shot here.
228
00:10:41,016 --> 00:10:44,185
This is the most boring tour
I've ever been on,
229
00:10:44,186 --> 00:10:46,187
and I just got back from
the "Sex and the City" tour
230
00:10:46,188 --> 00:10:48,481
that was all Steve.
231
00:10:48,482 --> 00:10:51,650
Sorry this isn't going the way
you wanted to, Doc.
232
00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:53,903
Might want to call it
an early night... life.
233
00:10:55,405 --> 00:10:57,031
See, I can use your name
against you, too.
234
00:10:57,032 --> 00:10:58,949
Am I right... life?
235
00:10:58,950 --> 00:11:00,659
I don't know.
236
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,995
The bald guy with wigs
for hand seems promising.
237
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:07,166
Gurgs, I have a decision
that is life or death.
238
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:09,378
It'll be death if you don't
get back in that courtroom.
239
00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:15,591
Wyatt, why don't you tell
the doctor
240
00:11:15,592 --> 00:11:18,302
that never-ending anecdote you
had about print media?
241
00:11:18,303 --> 00:11:19,929
Oh.
242
00:11:21,723 --> 00:11:23,849
Yeah. To get the full context,
243
00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:25,810
you'll need a list of my
favorite magazine subscriptions
244
00:11:25,811 --> 00:11:27,937
in order
of publishing frequency.
245
00:11:27,938 --> 00:11:31,607
"People."
That's once a week.
246
00:11:31,608 --> 00:11:33,484
Why do you have wigs?
247
00:11:33,485 --> 00:11:37,530
Because I heard you loud
and clear about my weird head.
248
00:11:37,531 --> 00:11:39,115
Get to the point, Murray.
249
00:11:39,116 --> 00:11:40,991
Oh, which hair is
the most normal?
250
00:11:40,992 --> 00:11:43,829
Don King or Larry King?
251
00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:47,206
Neither.
Just look like a lawyer.
252
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:50,419
This would have been
helpful to know $3,000 ago.
253
00:11:52,254 --> 00:11:54,964
Now, "Bon Appétit,"
that's once a month.
254
00:11:54,965 --> 00:11:57,800
Look, I know the fail-iff's
only using you
255
00:11:57,801 --> 00:11:59,468
as some boring smokescreen,
256
00:11:59,469 --> 00:12:02,012
but you don't want to be
this way.
257
00:12:02,013 --> 00:12:03,848
I don't?
258
00:12:03,849 --> 00:12:05,808
Let me guess.
The lady at the store said
259
00:12:05,809 --> 00:12:08,311
that bracelet would make
you look so cool?
260
00:12:09,813 --> 00:12:12,815
I knew it was a risk,
but she had a nose ring.
261
00:12:12,816 --> 00:12:15,067
You show me the good stuff,
262
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:18,028
and I'll show you things people
want to hear you talk about.
263
00:12:18,029 --> 00:12:21,740
Like an underground rooftop.
264
00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:25,077
A nudie pumpkin patch
that's only open in July.
265
00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:27,872
A fight club where you
can fight a real Ninja Turtle.
266
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:31,917
You'd like that, wouldn't you?
267
00:12:31,918 --> 00:12:35,087
I can't.
I told Gurgs I would help her.
268
00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:37,590
I think it's time
you help yourself.
269
00:12:37,591 --> 00:12:40,302
That's what
the nose ring girl said!
270
00:12:44,973 --> 00:12:46,432
All right, baby,
271
00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:48,642
I don't like you,
and you don't like me.
272
00:12:48,643 --> 00:12:51,479
It says here babies
like high contrast.
273
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:54,274
So get ready to be dazzled.
274
00:12:56,818 --> 00:12:59,320
Your cradle will rock!
275
00:13:01,239 --> 00:13:03,365
Oh! Oh, you like that.
276
00:13:06,328 --> 00:13:09,372
Uh-oh, put the mask back on.
Your face is upsetting it.
277
00:13:10,707 --> 00:13:12,416
So nice of you to weigh in
278
00:13:12,417 --> 00:13:15,169
when I've been raising
this baby all by myself.
279
00:13:15,170 --> 00:13:17,296
I had dreams, too, you know.
280
00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:20,174
It was going to be a dancer.
281
00:13:20,175 --> 00:13:21,509
What are you talking about?
282
00:13:21,510 --> 00:13:23,302
I don't know.
283
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:25,137
I'm more tired
than I've ever been.
284
00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:26,805
Nothing is working.
285
00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:28,974
You know,
this has to be Heather's fault.
286
00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:31,393
She's crazy.
She spawned a crazy baby.
287
00:13:31,394 --> 00:13:33,479
This baby wouldn't like anyone.
288
00:13:35,857 --> 00:13:37,900
Seems to like me.
289
00:13:37,901 --> 00:13:40,110
What? Huh? How?
290
00:13:40,111 --> 00:13:42,154
You did nothing
to deserve that giggle.
291
00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:45,991
Maybe this baby is just
a very good judge of character.
292
00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:48,744
Please. He's just smiling at
you because you're a novelty.
293
00:13:48,745 --> 00:13:51,122
He barely sees you.
You're never home.
294
00:13:52,874 --> 00:13:54,917
You know what I think?
Aunt Abby might be jealous.
295
00:13:54,918 --> 00:13:56,710
Yes. You know what?
296
00:13:56,711 --> 00:13:59,880
She's having
an existential crisis.
297
00:13:59,881 --> 00:14:01,674
I am not jealous.
298
00:14:01,675 --> 00:14:03,717
And if I were
to have an existential crisis,
299
00:14:03,718 --> 00:14:05,636
it would have been
when the dentist told me
300
00:14:05,637 --> 00:14:07,556
that my mouth was too small
for Invisalign.
301
00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:12,184
You know what? I can't believe
how soft his little feet are.
302
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:14,687
The wonderful smell.
303
00:14:14,688 --> 00:14:16,480
That is coming from him!
304
00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:18,399
Well, you have fun hanging out
305
00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:20,359
when you don't even
know about the spot on his head
306
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,528
that could kill him.
- You mean the fontanelle?
307
00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:24,655
"Ooh. I'm Dan.
308
00:14:24,656 --> 00:14:26,323
I know all about parts
of the head
309
00:14:26,324 --> 00:14:28,785
because I dated
pediatric nurses in the '80s."
310
00:14:31,246 --> 00:14:33,415
Kimberly was my favorite.
311
00:14:36,293 --> 00:14:37,918
Can I get you a coffee
to stay awake?
312
00:14:37,919 --> 00:14:39,670
Because nothing exciting
is coming.
313
00:14:39,671 --> 00:14:41,005
I made sure of that.
314
00:14:41,006 --> 00:14:42,631
Well, first of all,
315
00:14:42,632 --> 00:14:45,759
I don't sleep on account
of horse cocaine.
316
00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:48,137
Second, I think things
could be freaking up.
317
00:14:48,138 --> 00:14:49,680
A baby just walked in
318
00:14:49,681 --> 00:14:51,641
with a golden bachelor
strapped to him.
319
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:56,395
What the hell is going on?
320
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:57,938
Why is Dan doing court
with Heather's baby?
321
00:14:57,939 --> 00:15:00,399
Because Heather's
baby prefers Dan to me.
322
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:02,401
But that's fine, I don't care.
323
00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:04,863
I hope they smell each other's
heads until they choke on it.
324
00:15:06,448 --> 00:15:10,451
Shh. The baby's happier
when he thinks you aren't here.
325
00:15:10,452 --> 00:15:12,995
Cut it out.
This is all too interesting.
326
00:15:12,996 --> 00:15:16,082
Don't worry, Gurgs,
I understood the assignment.
327
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:23,297
Why?
328
00:15:23,298 --> 00:15:25,507
You told me
to look like a lawyer.
329
00:15:25,508 --> 00:15:28,761
She's called "lawyer."
330
00:15:28,762 --> 00:15:32,181
I think we found your look.
331
00:15:32,182 --> 00:15:33,807
Please tell me
this next case won't make
332
00:15:33,808 --> 00:15:36,518
us look like a circus.
- Sure.
333
00:15:36,519 --> 00:15:39,438
Just know,
if I ever were to betray you,
334
00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:41,358
it would be for a good reason.
335
00:15:42,984 --> 00:15:45,027
The people versus Bill Johnson.
336
00:15:45,028 --> 00:15:47,696
This is a run-of-the-mill
parking violation.
337
00:15:47,697 --> 00:15:49,573
Well, Your Honor, actually,
338
00:15:49,574 --> 00:15:51,533
the van that Mr. Johnson owns
is his place of business.
339
00:15:51,534 --> 00:15:53,369
Oh, yes, it is.
340
00:15:53,370 --> 00:15:56,205
It's a place of work.
341
00:15:56,206 --> 00:15:59,124
Could the Counselor please use
his big boy voice in court?
342
00:15:59,125 --> 00:16:02,086
I'm sure it would be much
appreciated by the prosecutor.
343
00:16:02,087 --> 00:16:04,630
What wig?
344
00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:06,757
Judge, Mr. Johnson brought
witnesses.
345
00:16:06,758 --> 00:16:10,928
Your Honor, Mr. Pecks
is an employee of Mr. Johnson.
346
00:16:10,929 --> 00:16:13,764
You won't believe your eyes
when you see
347
00:16:13,765 --> 00:16:17,102
how much he can lift
with his nipples!
348
00:16:19,229 --> 00:16:22,107
Wyatt, why is there
nipple talk?
349
00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:26,819
This guy runs an actual circus?
350
00:16:26,820 --> 00:16:28,570
I'm sorry, Gurgs.
351
00:16:28,571 --> 00:16:30,447
Dr. Nitelife said he
would take me to cool places.
352
00:16:30,448 --> 00:16:33,618
A man can only build
so many bears.
353
00:16:34,786 --> 00:16:37,287
Judge, I would like
to request a recess
354
00:16:37,288 --> 00:16:41,792
due to an unforgivable betrayal
by a spineless weasel.
355
00:16:41,793 --> 00:16:44,628
Your honor, I seem
to have a situation, as well.
356
00:16:44,629 --> 00:16:46,797
A diaper situation.
357
00:16:46,798 --> 00:16:49,299
And I know
that your friend buys generic,
358
00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:51,761
so time is of the essence.
359
00:16:53,930 --> 00:16:55,723
I really wish we could take
a break,
360
00:16:55,724 --> 00:16:57,599
but we need to get through
these witnesses.
361
00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,893
So send in the clowns.
362
00:17:09,696 --> 00:17:11,447
Y'all get out of here
right now.
363
00:17:11,448 --> 00:17:12,948
I can tell by your space work
364
00:17:12,949 --> 00:17:15,200
none of you
are classically trained.
365
00:17:15,201 --> 00:17:20,372
We got nips, we got flips,
we got exploding diapers!
366
00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:22,374
And who's right in the middle?
367
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:26,211
The fail-iff!
Rock bottom alert.
368
00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:29,548
If you like this content, please
remember to like and follow.
369
00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:31,216
You really have to take
this baby.
370
00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:33,844
The odor actually
has a heat.
371
00:17:33,845 --> 00:17:35,763
Yeah, well, maybe the smell
wouldn't be that bad
372
00:17:35,764 --> 00:17:37,890
if you weren't constantly
kissing that baby's ass.
373
00:17:37,891 --> 00:17:39,516
You know what?
Why do you have to be
374
00:17:39,517 --> 00:17:41,018
more of a baby than the baby?
375
00:17:41,019 --> 00:17:42,227
I have nothing in common
with that baby.
376
00:17:42,228 --> 00:17:43,645
That baby sucks!
377
00:17:43,646 --> 00:17:46,023
You think
my baby sucks?
378
00:17:46,024 --> 00:17:49,152
You know what, Abby? You suck!
- No, don't!
379
00:17:55,241 --> 00:17:59,162
Get your antibiotics,
'cause this is going viral!
380
00:18:01,164 --> 00:18:03,750
Now your mommy has
two messes to clean up.
381
00:18:11,007 --> 00:18:14,344
Heather, you're back.
How was the "clerb"?
382
00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:17,262
I'm sorry I said
that about the baby.
383
00:18:17,263 --> 00:18:18,680
Please don't be angry.
384
00:18:18,681 --> 00:18:20,599
Why would you say
DiGiorno sucks?
385
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,518
Because there's something
wrong with me.
386
00:18:22,519 --> 00:18:24,478
I tried everything and
I couldn't get him to like me.
387
00:18:24,479 --> 00:18:26,021
When I'm with a baby,
388
00:18:26,022 --> 00:18:27,397
I don't know what
the hell to do.
389
00:18:27,398 --> 00:18:29,107
No one does.
390
00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:31,360
Why do you think I was
so desperate for a break?
391
00:18:31,361 --> 00:18:32,986
I didn't even do anything fun.
392
00:18:32,987 --> 00:18:36,698
I just went to the park
and ate a hot dog.
393
00:18:36,699 --> 00:18:38,325
Then I got two more.
394
00:18:38,326 --> 00:18:41,245
Okay, I had four!
395
00:18:41,246 --> 00:18:43,997
I'm the worst mom in the world.
- Are you kidding?
396
00:18:43,998 --> 00:18:46,291
From what I've seen,
you're a...
397
00:18:46,292 --> 00:18:49,211
surprisingly okay-ish mom.
398
00:18:49,212 --> 00:18:52,297
You're just trying to be nice.
399
00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:54,341
Would a surprisingly
okay-ish mom
400
00:18:54,342 --> 00:18:56,928
have four more hot dogs
in her purse?
401
00:18:58,596 --> 00:19:00,347
If one of them is for me,
402
00:19:00,348 --> 00:19:02,808
I'd upgrade you to
downright not bad.
403
00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:04,852
You must be doing
something right.
404
00:19:04,853 --> 00:19:08,438
You're raising a baby
that Dan Fielding likes.
405
00:19:08,439 --> 00:19:10,566
Are you cutting my hot dog?
406
00:19:10,567 --> 00:19:12,651
I don't want you to choke.
I can lift you,
407
00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:15,405
but I can't flip you over
and slap you on the back.
408
00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:20,284
Holy crap. I am a great mom.
409
00:19:20,285 --> 00:19:22,786
I should teach a class.
410
00:19:22,787 --> 00:19:24,997
Yeah. People would learn a lot.
411
00:19:24,998 --> 00:19:26,999
Like a field trip to a prison.
412
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,084
Just came to say good-bye.
413
00:19:29,085 --> 00:19:30,627
- Aww.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
414
00:19:30,628 --> 00:19:32,297
Okay.
415
00:19:34,424 --> 00:19:36,008
Ciao, DiGiorno.
416
00:19:36,009 --> 00:19:38,051
And, listen, if you tell
anybody that we did this,
417
00:19:38,052 --> 00:19:40,387
I will just simply deny it.
418
00:19:40,388 --> 00:19:42,389
Boop.
419
00:19:42,390 --> 00:19:44,266
All right, Deej,
420
00:19:44,267 --> 00:19:46,310
don't let the door hit you
in the diap on the way out.
421
00:19:48,104 --> 00:19:50,397
Ah!
422
00:19:50,398 --> 00:19:52,983
I did it! I won!
He likes me.
423
00:19:52,984 --> 00:19:55,486
Oh. Good job. Boop!
424
00:20:00,617 --> 00:20:02,660
Shoo, shoo.
425
00:20:07,999 --> 00:20:11,627
These clowns are worse
than the rats.
426
00:20:11,628 --> 00:20:13,880
I have to go get
some more traps.
427
00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:17,841
I'm sure #fail-iff is trending
by now.
428
00:20:17,842 --> 00:20:20,052
I don't want to be
a Halloween costume again.
429
00:20:20,053 --> 00:20:21,845
I do.
430
00:20:21,846 --> 00:20:23,722
I heard him call me
a "pros-e-cutie."
431
00:20:25,183 --> 00:20:27,602
Makes me blush
when I think about it.
432
00:20:29,062 --> 00:20:30,854
Well, Dr. Nitelife
blew me off.
433
00:20:30,855 --> 00:20:34,232
He double-tapped me
and said, "Unsubscribe."
434
00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:37,653
Congrats on blowing up
my TikTok again, Gregs.
435
00:20:37,654 --> 00:20:41,823
Check out the video.
Get ready to binge cringe.
436
00:20:41,824 --> 00:20:44,284
I can't watch, but I can't not.
437
00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:50,916
Wait, this is nothing
like the last time.
438
00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:54,087
That was me looking
crazy all by myself.
439
00:20:55,546 --> 00:20:58,466
{\an8}This is us looking
crazy all together.
440
00:20:59,550 --> 00:21:02,177
{\an8}It's perfect.
- No, it's not perfect.
441
00:21:02,178 --> 00:21:04,638
{\an8}It's embarrassing to you.
If it doesn't make you feel bad,
442
00:21:04,639 --> 00:21:07,057
{\an8}how am I supposed to feel good?
I'm 35.
443
00:21:07,058 --> 00:21:09,894
{\an8}It's too late for me to learn
how to love myself.
444
00:21:10,979 --> 00:21:13,730
{\an8}You know what?
Make all the videos you want.
445
00:21:13,731 --> 00:21:15,273
{\an8}We've got nothing to hide.
446
00:21:15,274 --> 00:21:17,610
{\an8}And neither do I.
447
00:21:24,117 --> 00:21:25,117
{\an8}It's funny.
34470
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