Original subtitles

-Rand, you know I want to hear

all about the dance crew on your subway car.

I just can't right now. -You don't understand.

They were doing flips overme.

They made Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey look like trash.

Most impressive part was

none of the dancing was even remotely dirty.

-Okay, but you got to sit down. I have to start court.

-Okay, maybe you should sit down 'cause Ineed to start court.

-Alright. Stop. I'm gonna tell you what I tell most dogs.

You're not nearly as cute as you think you are. Now sit.

-Counselors, could you please approach?

This is mostly just relationship talk.

-Nope. -Absolutely not.

-Hey, one of you has to stay.

-[ Grunts ] -[ Groans ]

-I'm sure you've been wondering

how things are going with me and Rand.

-You have to know that I haven't.

-Oh. Well, the answer is great.

I was having some doubts, but ever since he's been here,

it's clear the problem was just the long distance.

Look how cute he is sitting courtside like a basketball wife

or a more handsome Jack Nicholson.

-Morehandsome?

Someone clearly hasn't seen "The Shining."

-First up, the People vs. Louise Johnson.

-The defendant is charged with arson

for setting a fire at Shady Acres eldercare facility.

-Uh, Your Honor, this was an accident.

My client was visiting her gentleman friend

at his care facility celebrating his birthday,

and t-the candles got a little out of hand.

-He's 87, so it was a lot for the flan to take.

-And certainly my client cannot be held responsible

for the structural instability of said flan.

-It doesn't feel like these actions

rise to the level of arson,

so I'm gonna say fine for damages and case dismissed.

-Great ruling! Tough but fair!

That's my fiancée.

She doesn't even practice that gaveling.

She just nails it every time.

You dating anyone in the courtroom or...?

♪♪

♪♪

-I can't wait for this courthouse tour.

Is it true you guys have a vending machine

that still sells cigarettes?

-That's nothing. We also have a working switchboard.

No one uses it, but those nice ladies just have nowhere to go.

Um, I'm sorry. Can I help you?

-No, I'm fine. I'm the new public defender.

-What? Where's Dan?

-That's the thing about Dans. They're everywhere.

I'm Ken Clark, and I love black licorice.

-No, thank you.

-[ Chuckles ] She does not speak for me.

-I'm gonna go find Dan and figure out what's going on.

Is it okay if we take a rain check on the tour?

-Oh, yeah, I can do a self-guided tour.

What's the worst that could happen?

-Nothing, as long as you take this whistle.

There's a lot of birds in the walls,

and if they're poised to attack,

that will help you sound like the pigeon king.

-Might as well take one for the road.

-You've already had some.

-Hey, Gurgs.

So, how's it goin'?

-I just failed another practice test

for the bailiff supervisor program.

-I didn't know there were bailiff supervisors.

-Oh, you think we just arrive fully formed?

I'm terrible with tests.

Those Scantron forms with their cold, soulless circles,

they freak me out!

The only machine I trust is my Roomba,

whirring along, doing its job, eating my dirt.

-May I borrow your salt?

-Oh, sure. -Not a chance!

I've seen you around here pulling your salt scam!

We all know you trying to build a salt wife!

Ehh!

-I think I have a solution.

-We lock all the salt shakers in the salt closet?

-We have a salt closet? -I already said too much.

-No, I-I'm talking about your studying.

I'm amazing at exams.

I just helped my neighbor pass his DMV vision test,

and that man has no business behind the wheel!

[ Laughs ]

-Alright. Let's do this. I need all the help I can get.

Aw, no, he's going for the Himalayan pink.

She's out of your league, Colin!

-There you are.

You're leaving and you weren't gonna even tell me?!

Just sneaking off into the night

like a real Kevin the chicken thief?

-Kevin was -- -You know Kevin was a fox.

-I knew you'd be upset.

That's why I was writing you a note.

It's all explained in there.

-"By the time you read this, I will be gone

so you can't be mad at me."

-Now, imagine reading that, but I've already left.

Poignant, sparse.

That's how you build a memory. -A note?

After everything we've been through, you leave me a note?

You would pull this -- -Would you let me explain?

-Yes, fine. Go ahead. Explain.

How dare you quit!

And to go do what?

I can't imagine that you have a good reason for leaving.

-I'm leaving to be a judge. -And you don't even bother --

Wait. What? -I've been offered a position

back home -- Pearl River, Louisiana.

I start next week.

-Oh. Well, I guess that is a pretty good reason.

Wait. You weren't gonna put that in the note?!

-[ Stammers ]

-A judgeship. It's an incredible opportunity.

-Yeah, being a judge is kind of a dream I had given up on.

Think about it. I've been judging people

my entire life for free.

Now I'm gonna get a paycheck for it.

-I can't blame you for following your dream.

It would inspire me to follow mydream,

but my dream's impossible.

I want to be a twin.

-Truth is, I was a bit adrift before you came and dragged me

out of retirement, forced me to take this job.

So...thank you.

-Dan, that's so -- -No. Stop. Just stop.

That's why I was writing a note.

You want to hug something, hug the note.

-Thank you for the heads-up about the birds.

The scariest part isn't the violence.

It's that they seem to pick their victims.

-Rand, Dan is leaving, but it's because I helped him,

gave his life new meaning, et cetera, et cetera.

-Oh, man.

I know we don't know each other very well, but I'll --

I'll never forget the advice you gave me.

"Rand, your fly is down."

-Rand, your fly is down again.

-As true now as it was then.

[ Zipper slides ]

-Well, it's clear there's no way

I'm gonna convince you not to go,

just like there's no way you're gonna convince me

not to throw you the greatest goodbye party

this town has ever seen. -Oh, g--

-And you're not taking off for the bayou

without us throwing a party to say, "Bye, you."

And, you know, Rand can help me plan it.

He's great at this kind of thing.

-Yes, yes. I-I've planned, like, dozens of horse pageants.

A few of them went awry, but that's not my fault.

See, the horses need to learn the pageants are not for them.

Anyway, Abby, you ready to go and get something to eat?

-Oh, Judge, I'm so sorry to bother you.

You were so kind to me earlier.

I wondered if you could do me one more favor.

-I'm sure I can find some time on --

-No, it needs to happen right now.

-Um...

-Yeah, s-sure. Fine. Stay and help.

-Aww. Thank you for understanding. You're the best.

But I don't want you to eat alone.

So Dan will go with you!

Rand can help start planning your party.

-Yeah. For a theme, are you thinking

masquerade or mouse-querade?

-Why do I feel those are my only two options?

♪♪

-So, we have covered a lot of test-taking strategies.

How are you feeling?

-I know the answer to this one. Good!

-Well, let's see how you do on a pop quiz.

In a multiple-choice test, the most common answer is...

A:B, B:C, C:A, or D: all of the above?

-Uh, this is too much.

I've forgotten everything. Who are you?!

-Okay, we might've moved too fast, but we can use this.

If you panic during the test, try visualization.

Where do you feel most safe?

-Um, the basement level of Bed Bath & Beyond,

World of Aquatic Birds at the Bronx Zoo,

and this court.

-Yes! You love this court!

It's the thing I understand least about you.

And you love Daylight Savings Time.

-Well, I love anything that Arizona is not involved in.

-Alright. Let's try it.

I want you to close your eyes.

-Okay, but you better not hypnotize me

and convince me to quit smoking.

A guy did that once, and I miss it.

-You're here, in this court, with all your friends.

[Echoing] And they're helping to answer the test questions.

-[ Gasps ] This is so cool!

-Hey, Gurgs! Focus!

If a racecar driver finishes 12.5 laps in a 50-lap race,

what percentage of the race remains?

-Just see how many times you can subtract 12.5 from 50.

You got this, daddio!

-Racecars! Vroom, vroom! Hi, Gurgs!

-The answer...is 75.

Now, would you let me out of here? This is stupid.

-[ Gasps ] It's 75%.

-Wait a minute.

Abby's cool, but I'm the Hamburglar?

-I'm just as surprised as you are.

-So, Evelyn, I hear you've banned Louise

from visiting Shady Acres.

This is just such a sweet couple we're talking about here.

We shouldn't be keeping them apart just because

of a little flan faux pas.

All they want is a birthday do-over.

-That's how it starts. A little birthday party.

Then suddenly, it's midday raves,

pill swapping, constant hookups.

We have to triple-chlorinate the pool!

My social life? Nada.

I'm too busy trying to keep these horndogs

from spreading the jitterbug,

an STD we thought time had forgotten.

-We have a good time!

-I can't add an arsonist into the mix.

I want to see firefighters running in there

like the next gal, but it's just too much.

-Sorry I couldn't do more.

Now I have a lot of questions for my grandmother

about her bridge club.

I don't remember ever seeing any cards.

-See, Elmer and I met late in life, and...

probably don't have many more birthdays left to share.

I don't know if you've ever lost someone,

but the time you lose,

you can never get back.

-Okay, Louise, you got me

with that sweet face and how everything you wear

is a slightly different shade of purple.

This is unfair. You're not an arsonist.

And Elmer deserves to have his birthday.

If you're not allowed in there,

we're just gonna have to bust him out.

-Yes! Yes, yes!

Should we celebrate with pills?

You're gonna want to try a Wednesday.

-Hanging out with Gabby's kids has been so fun.

I get to read a lot of books about trucks

with positive attitudes and hungry bugs who learn lessons.

I find it very relatable because I've also been hungry.

-Got to be honest -- barely listening.

Nervous about test scores. Can't even sentence.

-You know what quiets the ol' brain?

Alcohol. Nature's snooze button.

-I got this. Oh, waiter!

-No. Let me try. Hey, Six Train!

Haven't I seen you reading Sue Grafton on 23rd Street?

-Wow, Gurgs. Really amazing at remembering people.

The salt guy, this waiter.

I may have to use this superpower of yours for evil.

-You mean you want me to help you meet people?

That's not using it for evil. That's using it for normal.

-Huh. That seems less fun, but...

okay.

-Well, well, well.

If there was one person I didn't expect to see

at Dan's going-away party, it's Dan.

-Very funny. Oh, good, 'cause

I'm starting my speech with it.

There's gonna be tears, there's gonna be laughter,

a lot of observational humor, and some crowd work.

Yeah, this guy knows what I'm talkin' about.

-Who the hell are all these people?

-Oh, okay, well, there's some from the courthouse,

some former clients, um, a few legal bigwigs.

To get them here, I had to tell them

they were nominated for an award,

so you're gonna have to hand out some awards.

But mostly people are here to celebrate you.

Hope you're ready for it. -Oh, I'm definitely ready.

My bags are packed, the Uber's ordered,

and I leave the first time I hear any glasses...ding.

-Oh, you can't leave your own party.

There's a lot of people here who want to tell you

how much you mean to them.

So you have to sit and listen to every last Fielding fan.

-No, no, no. I have a surefire way out of any conversation.

See, the trick is just to have a little of your drink left

so that at any moment, you can go,

"Uh-oh! Time for a refill!"

-Hey! There's the man of the glower.

-You said I could use that in my speech!

-You still can. -But he's already heard it.

-Oh, look at that. Time for a refill.

-Alright, Gurgs, open up that magic box of a brain of yours

and tell me the who's who of the who's here who can help me.

-Okay, uh, let's see.

Oh, uh, Senior Budget Analyst Bernie Efrain.

The Mayor's Chief of Staff, Susan McTavish.

Tony Danza. -Tony Danza?

-Senior Law Librarian Tonathan Danza.

Still a pretty good get, though.

-Ooh, what about that woman surrounded by people?

She looks important. -That's Emily Carpenter.

She's a lawyer visiting from England.

-[ Gasps ] A barrister.

With the exchange rate,

they're worth 1.18 American lawyers.

Tell me everything. -She's married to a doctor,

she lives in Shoreditch, and she breeds Yorkies.

-Mm!

[British accent] Ms. Carpenter, so lovely to see you again.

Are your bitches in heat this month?

-You did such an amazing job helping me plan this party.

And you resisted the urge to get a bounce house!

I'm so proud of you.

-I knew Dan would never take his shoes off.

I took mine off halfway through lunch.

He called me a communist.

I'm just excited we actually get to spend some time together.

-Aww. You know I love spending time with --

[ Cellphone buzzes ]

Oh. Sorry.

Hello? -Change of plans.

We have to break Elmer out tonight.

-I can't tonight. I-I thought we agreed on tomorrow.

-They're moving him to the third floor!

Sure, his new room has a walk-in bath

and a view of the good bird feeder,

but it's too high for a prison break.

Oh, please, Judge.

-Okay. Yeah.

Uh, I'm on my way.

Okay. Don't be mad. I just have to go help someone.

-Wait. What. Now?!

-I know it's not ideal, but I'll be right back.

Enjoy the party. When they start

bringing out the crab balls, just please don't laugh.

-Abby, t-this is a party for your friend.

I love small talk with strangers.

I've made that very clear. But a man has his limits!

I thought we were gonna get to hang out together.

-You know I want to, but you also know

how important my work is to me.

-But aren't I important, too?

-Of course. I'm just not used to distractions from work.

-I'm a distraction? -No, that's not what I meant.

I-I'm sorry. I don't have time to get into this now.

I'm gonna be right back, okay?

-If those are crab balls, don't even bother.

I'm not in the mood to laugh. They'd be wasted on me.

-There you are.

Little update -- I have to leave.

-Oh, perfect. I'll go with you. -No, you have to stay

at your party, but I'll be back soon.

I just have to go help someone really quick.

-Sounds about right. -Don't go anywhere.

I want to say a proper goodbye when I get back.

-Dan. Um, I have someone more important to talk to,

so I guess this is...

-It is.

Any chance that our goodbye will be that cut and dry?

-It won't.

Please promise me you'll be here.

-Fine. I promise.

The hell am I supposed to do with this? I said a splash.

-Dan, Dan, Dan, there's just so much I have to say.

-Oh, you know what? I've got to get a drink, uh,

which I have in my hand.

[ Chuckles nervously ]

-Anyway, "Dear, Dan..."

-You know what? No. Please don't.

Don't say anymore. You know why?

Because, um, I want you to come with me.

Sure! Leave it all behind!

Uh, "Judge Fielding and Neil Clerk."

-You know I can't. I have a girlfriend now.

-Oh, that's just too bad for me.

Then fine. Just go. I can't look at you.

It hurts too much. Ahh...

He gone? I can't take it.

I can't listen to any more emotional talk.

-Abby and I had a fight.

-[Hoarsely] Go ahead.

-Just with everything she's got going on,

I feel like there's no space for me.

-[Normal voice] Look, Rand, I was married for a long time,

and for much of that, Sarah and I were inseparable.

But there were times we couldn't find 10 minutes for each other.

Usually during the Westminster Dog Show.

For some reason, she needed utter silence to watch

some smug Pekingese show off its perfect haunches.

-Yeah, I remember Wasabi.

-Look, the point is that

you're always gonna be her go-to person,

her first phone call when she needs someone.

-Dan, you have insane emotional intelligence.

-Rand, I have everytype of intelligence.

-Look, I know we don't know each other very well,

but I am really gonna --

-Eh. This party sucks.

♪♪

-This is his window.

We may have to knock hard.

He takes his hearing aids out after "Jeopardy!"

-What is makes total sense? [ Laughs ]

[ Knocking on glass ]

-Louise? -Fran?!

What the hell are you doing in Elmer's bedroom?!

-Okay, I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable exp--

-Oh, I will slice you so fast, you won't know what --

-No slicing. No slicing. -Louise?

-Oh, it's the wrong window.

-Oh, Louise, we got to move fast.

Come on. Let's make the most of those new knees.

Adorable grandkids, by the way. Come on.

♪♪

-Gurgs. What's wrong? Did you also just hear

they're switching to a cash bar?

-No. That's not it.

But you don't want to hear about my stuff.

Tonight's about you.

-Oh, whoa, whoa, you know, you're one of the few people

I like talking to around here, so do me a favor.

Don't -- Don't ruin it, alright? So, what's going on?

-I just got an e-mail that I didn't pass my entrance exam.

I'll tell you the problem. The proctor was a smoke show.

I mean, how are you supposed to concentrate on a test

with a hottie like --

[ Gasps ] Unless that wasthe test.

-Forget the result, alright? You're better than that exam.

You know what? You passed a much harder one.

The Dan Fielding Approval Test.

And the D-FAT -- very prestigious.

-Mm. See? This is why I'm gonna miss you.

-And see? Now we're done.

-Gurgs, I'd like you to meet someone.

Emily was impressed that I remembered her,

and I admitted it was your special skill.

And she said -- Well, I'll let you tell it, Emily.

Do it in your accent.

-[British accent] I do everything in my accent.

Olivia told me all about you,

and I think you'd be perfect for a program at Scotland Yard.

-Scotland Yard?

That's the fanciest police station in the world.

-Well, they've put together an elite unit

of facial-recognition experts called The Super Recognizers.

I know the name's sort of silly...

-The coolest.

-I know it's not bailiff supervisor.

-Oh, it's better.

I mean, I've always wanted to be part of an elite unit.

And recognize people? That's what I do.

Darren. Gus.

Never seen him before. But obviously Carl.

You used your schmooze powers for me, Olivia.

That's not evil at all.

-Well, don't tell anyone.

-Hey, Six Train! I'm gonna be a Super Recognizer!

-Crab ball?

Hey. Why you back here hiding?

Isn't this your party?

-Just waiting for an Uber to the airport.

-I got TSA-Pre, so I'm like a king at the airport.

Which is a shame because I'm amazing

at taking off my belt and shoes.

-Yeah, well, I'd rather spend my time

waiting in a Wolfgang Puck Express

than here listening to one more person say goodbye.

Why don't people just leave me alone?

-Got it. -I mean, why are they all

getting so worked up anyway?

It's not like I'm gone for good. I'm keeping my apartment.

Next month I'm seeing Alan Alda at the 92nd Street Y,

and when he sold me those tickets,

he was very clear -- no refunds.

-Cool. Well, I'm-a take these --

-And I know that I told Abby that I would stay,

but I don't think a-a messy, emotional goodbye

is something that I can handle tonight.

-Goodbyes can be tough,

but that's how you know you had something real.

Anyway, this is a nice party, man.

Someone must really care about you.

-Take the Queensboro Bridge. I'm not paying for the tunnel.

[ Cellphone buzzes ]

Ohh.

Uh, yes. Hi. Abby.

No, wait. It's -- Let me explain.

I had to leave. It was an emergency.

-That's not important right now.

Any chance I can convince you to come out of retirement?

Again?

I've been arrested!

It's funny!