Original subtitles

♪♪

-Next up, The People vs. Pam Allen.

-Your Honor, the defense moves to have this case dismissed

due to my client's debilitating medical condition.

-If I may ask, what condition is that?

-Defendant claims she's a werewolf.

-Actually, Your Honor, she would be a wiffwolf,

since "were" is Old English for "man."

-Patriarchy strikes again.

-Okay, none of this excuses the fact that Ms. Allen

bit the ankle of an innocent deliveryman,

then chased his truck and humped a child's Teddy bear.

-Your Honor, try to put yourself in my client's...paws.

She was very much on edge.

There were fireworks, and someone nearby

was running a vacuum cleaner.

-My neighbors are monsters.

-If the defendant is, indeed, a wiffwolf,

her actions are beyond the court's jurisdiction.

Therefore, we will allow her the opportunity to...turn?

Transform?

-We will accept transform. -Great.

Can we get an infield huddle?

-What the hell is going on here?

We're only three cases in,

and we've already had a feminist werewolf,

someone trying to break the time barrier,

and what appears to be a classic body swap.

-It's a Blood Moon, Your Honor.

It's when the city's craziest cases come in.

-We used to actually bet on all the insanity back in the day.

One year I won the trifecta.

I had invisible man, a doll come to life,

and an alien trying to get back to his home planet.

-We play Blood Moon Bingo.

The cards would be here already, but...

[ Spookily ] ...the copier is broken!

[ Normal voice ] What? Trying to set the mood.

-Let's call the next case.

-Uh, I can't seem to find the paperwork, Your Honor.

-This is a scary one, Your Honor,

even for a Blood Moon.

-Alright, what is it, a zombie, a swamp monster?

-Worse! It's a mom!

-Ahhh!

-Oh, my gosh! -Oh, my gosh!

-Oh, good, now there's two of them.

♪♪

♪♪

-I know I wasn't supposed to come down

for another couple of months, but I just couldn't wait.

What if I got hit by a bus before then?

It's very possible.

Our town is up to two buses.

-Guys, this is my mom, Gina.

-Oh, you must be Olivia.

You look just like the lady

they put in the picture frames at Marshall's.

And then you buy it and think, "Maybe I'll just keep it in."

-Do you really mean that? -Yeah.

-Not -- Not used to sincere parenting.

Oh, God, I'm crying.

-And you must be -- -I am, and let me just say

you have excellent taste in daughters.

-I'm sorry? -Don't be.

So -- -There's my partner in crime.

Oh, thank you so much for helping me plan this, Gurgs.

-Oh!

That hug has some torque behind it.

-I went to an authentic New York shop in Times Square

and got you all personalized key chains.

They had a "Gurgs."

But sorry, they didn't have a "Neil."

So, I just got you one that says "Guy."

-This says Olivia. That's my name.

This is a gift.

It's a gift for Olivia.

-And for you, my dear, I brought you a potted plant

because the air-quality index in Manhattan is just a skull.

-She doesn't trust a city that never sleeps.

-And why does it never sleep?

Drugs.

-Ah, and here's the famous Dan Fielding.

-Well, hi. Nice to finally meet you.

-Gina. -Ah, Gina.

You look familiar.

Have we ever -- -We've never met.

I've heard a lot about you from Harry.

-Ah.

-Um, I need to use the ladies room.

-Oh, down the hall and to the left.

And I know you like to have a good time,

but do not call any of the phone numbers written in there.

-I'm headed that way.

May I show you? -Oh, what a gentleman.

I love a bathroom escort.

-Oh, that's what those numbers are!

Really, don't call them!

-Oh, you're from Baton Rouge, huh?

I hear there's a lot of jazz down there.

Listen up, Fielding. We need to talk.

-Oh, my God. That's who you are!

I thought I recognized you.

You married Harry? -Zip it!

My daughter doesn't know we know each other,

and I want to keep it that way.

-Wait, so she doesn't know how you and Harry actually --

-Shh!

I'm not getting into this with you.

I just came here to check on my daughter

and make sure you keep your trap shut.

-Hey, listen, I know better than to get mixed up

in whatever this is.

The only family drama I care about is "Succession."

I'm rooting for the old man.

I want everybody else to die

and him just keep getting richer and richer.

-So we have an understanding? -Yes, I understand that

for some reason you want to keep secrets from your daughter.

Which is none of my business.

-Now, are you going to show me where the bathroom is or not?

-Follow me.

What the hell am I doing? Go that way.

Go that way.

-I'm telling you.

There's something going on between Dan and Gina.

I have a seventh sense about these things.

-Isn't it a sixth sense?

-No, my sixth sense is I see dead people,

like that boy.

-From the movie? -No, the one next to you.

-There she is! No, you can move.

It's a video. -Oh, okay.

Well, welcome to Night Court.

-Never mind. I stopped it.

-Must be nice having your mom here.

-Oh, it's great.

But also it's very bad.

When she pops in like this, it means she's worried.

I love my mom, but we are very different people,

and she was always against me taking this job.

With her, everything has to be neat and tidy and perfect,

and this place is --

-Merry Blood Moon, everyone!

The bingo cards are here.

-Like that.

-Well, actually, for legal reasons, it's "binga."

"Blood Moon Bingo" is a John Cusack Redbox movie.

-Ooh, right off the bat, I got drunk Statue of Liberty.

-Here you go, Blaine. I know you're used to winning --

Oscar pools, trivia nights, blood drives.

But that ends tonight because I have been practicing.

-This is a game of chance. How are you practicing?

-If you're asking that question, I'm already in your head.

-Honey, remember to engage your core when banging the gavel.

She hurt her elbow playing softball.

Now she has a corpse ligament.

-You don't really have to worry, you know.

Corpse ligament or not, she's very capable.

Is that why you're hiding things from her?

You don't think she can handle it?

-Excuse me. I'm trying to talk to my friend, this Beetlejuice.

-I call the court to order. What's the next case?

-We have The People vs. Marsha Roberts, Your Honor.

-The defendant was arrested for barricading patrons

into a Home Depot and blasting Jimmy Buffett's "Margaritaville"

through the PA system for six hours.

-Your Honor, my client was merely following instructions

personally given to her by...Satan.

-When you say Satan, you mean --

-The main one.

-Satan is my father.

-Isn't that wonderful?

Parent and child sharing an open line of communication.

There are no secrets in this family.

We should all be so lucky.

-Real quick.

When Satan speaks to you, is it in your head or from a dog?

-He speaks through my air fryer.

-Possessed appliances -- I got it.

[ Gavel bangs ]

-Order!

As a judge who has everything under control,

I find Ms. Roberts guilty of false imprisonment

and call a recess.

-Oh, oh, are you calling recess because a dog told you to?

-No!

-Satan is a big fan of your work.

-We go way back.

-Well, you all certainly do interesting work around here.

-Tonight is a little crazier than usual,

but I got it handled.

You'll see. Things will settle down.

-Has anyone seen my gun?

-Don't worry. He always finds it.

So, how did you meet Abby's dad?

-Oh, no one wants to hear that boring story.

-Personally, I would just love to hear what you've been

telling Abby all these years.

-It's a fairy tale.

My dad was upstate for the Mel Tormé concert

and decided to go to the Harvest Festival.

He and my mom ended up in the same Ferris-wheel cart,

and by the end of the ride, they fell in love.

Later that night, he proposed, saying,

"You're only one 'yes' away from the rest of your life."

-Almost sounds too good to be true.

-Well, that's exactly how it happened.

And we had a wonderful life

until my daughter decided the Big Apple

was more important than her little mom.

-Mom, I'm not going over this again.

-I'm just saying.

I miss you. Rand misses you.

All the people that love you are upstate.

-You and your mom talk about how you love each other?

It's not just a word that was once written in a birthday card

you keep with you at all times?

Did someone hear a phone ring? I got to take this.

-You just seem overwhelmed.

-You've only seen one case! I'm doing good work here, Mom.

-Honey, I'm not trying to fight.

You know what? It's getting late.

I should just head back to the hotel.

-Oh, no, no, don't leave.

You should not leave. You should stay.

You never know what the Blood Moon might reveal.

-I figured it out, Timo.

Those two have history.

Classic PTSD -- Post Tremendous Sex Disorder.

Oh, don't look at me like that.

I was right about you and Carol.

-Quick question.

Would you be willing to set yourself on fire?

Wait, are you stalking Abby's mom on Facebook?

-No!

I'm just doing some light research

so I can have a successful conversation with her.

-Oh, Neil.

Being a person might not be for you.

-Being great with moms is my thing.

At sleepovers, I didn't care who Jonah had a crush on.

I wanted to hang with Mrs. Rayzok

and hear how Mr. Rayzok's anger management was going.

[ Whispering ] Not well.

-If you want to get the good dirt,

just use your clerk powers.

Access the state database.

-I guess it couldn't hurt to know some previous addresses.

Wait. This can't be right.

-Abby's mom was convicted of running a gambling ring?

-Dan prosecuted her, and the judge was Harry Stone.

[ Whispering ] I bet that's Abby's dad!

-You're good.

All moms have secrets, right?

Mine was that she never wanted me,

although I guess it wasn't really much of a secret

because it's how she'd kick off parent-teacher conferences.

We're not going to tell Abby this, right?

-No, of course not.

I know when to not tell people things.

-I won't say anything, either.

Sorry, couldn't help but overhear.

Wolf ears.

-Oops, you spilled.

You seem to be in a spilling mood tonight.

-I needed that to take a pill.

-I thought you weren't going to get involved.

-I had to say something.

Abby deserves to know the truth.

Oh, and what was that story you told,

two adult strangers taking a Ferris wheel together?

Ooh-ooh, made you sound like a couple of creeps.

-Creeps?!

I stole that from the back of a Danielle Steel novel.

-I think you're underestimating your daughter.

She is stronger than you think.

-So am I.

-You!

-Everything alright?

Seem a little nervous around Gina.

-I don't get nervous.

Besides, I hardly know the woman.

-Oh, stop.

I know all about you two and your secret past,

and unlike the drug-sniffing dog downstairs,

you can't get anything past me.

-I don't have anything to hide.

If it was up to me, Abby would know all of it,

but her mother is against it for some reason.

-Oh, well, I think I know the reason.

Abby don't want to know that about her mama.

You should keep it to yourself. -You know something?

I wouldn't be in this position if Harry and Gina

had just told her the truth to begin with.

-Her dad knew? -Well, of course.

He was there the whole time.

You know, it was just a regular Tuesday night for us.

-Ugh! Y'all are gross.

-Hey, Earth angel.

Where's the sock hop?

-I've been approaching this all wrong.

Gina is a criminal. She's probably into bad boys.

So, I'm being bad.

-Should I just sit where I was before?

-I wouldn't know. Rules aren't my thing.

Next up, The People vs. Todd and Missy McMurray.

-The McMurrays are charged with disturbing the peace

outside a bodega on St. Marks Place.

-Your Honor, my clients were just involved

in a lovers' squabble, nothing serious.

Some words were exchanged. Some produce was thrown.

-Nothing serious? It was attempted murder.

She threw garlic at me.

-And it's attempted murder because?

-They're vampires.

-Vampire drama.

One square away from winning the money to pay for my dad's Lasik.

-Does everyone around here

have an amazing relationship with their parents?

-Your Honor, she started this.

-Because I had the nerve to ask you

where you were the other night?

-I was looking for a virgin to surprise you

for our anniversary.

You think I wanted to go to a Barenaked Ladies

reunion concert?

-You never tell me anything,

like when I have food in my fangs.

I can't look in a mirror, Todd!

[ Both hissing ]

-Bunch of weirdos around here.

-I'm going to be honest.

I don't care about garlic or virgins.

But I am very excited to hear that the Barenaked Ladies

are back together.

At the end of the day,

you two found someone who accepts you for who you are.

That's special and worth fighting for.

And since this is your first offense, the state is willing

to drop the charges if you agree to couples counseling.

Before you say no, remember, you're only one "yes" away

from the rest of your life.

-I do still love you. -I love you, too.

-Honey, that was beautiful.

It was like watching your dad up there.

-I mean, you never actually saw him as a judge.

-About that.

-Binga! Criminal hugs judge!

Criminal hugs judge!

I win! I win!

-Criminal?

-Hey, not me. Didn't say a word, nope.

-Don't look at me.

I just thought she had the best sex of her life with Dan.

-Why would you think that?

I made it perfectly clear

I was just trying to get her in handcuffs.

Oh! Yeah, now I hear it.

-Mom, how could you -- Mom?

-Alright.

Now that that's out in the open, Neil,

what the hell are you wearing?

♪♪

-Gina Brown operated an illegal high-stakes poker game

in Hell's Kitchen for over a year.

Who is this person?

My mom doesn't even watch the Super Bowl.

We're Puppy Bowl people.

Is this why no one ran against her for PTA president?

Or why she knew so many people on "Dateline"?

-Feels like questions you should ask your mother.

-Why, so she can just lie to me more?

-You know, I'm not going to pretend to understand

why your parents kept this from you.

But, then again, there's a lot about Harry I didn't understand,

like he would keep rabbits up his sleeve for hours

just in case there was a chance of magic.

You give every defendant who comes in here

a chance to tell their sad, desperate side of the story.

Don't you think your mother deserves the same?

I mean, do whatever you want.

I am not going to get involved.

-I wouldn't even know where to find her.

-I told her to wait in the courtroom.

Not involved, starting now.

-Honey, can I explain?

-First.

Do you swear to tell the truth,

the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

-I do, Your Honor.

-Gina Stone for the defense. You may proceed.

-Okay, first,

I just want to say your father wanted you to know.

But he respected that it was my story to tell.

-Right. So, tell it.

-It started with a little poker game at the Jiffy Lube

where my boyfriend worked.

We were riding high on cash and exhaust fumes.

But things got out of control, and I ended up here.

Your dad could've thrown the book at me.

But he saw me the way I wanted to see myself.

-He had a habit of doing that.

-After I served my time, I -- I reached out.

Turns out I was on his mind, too.

He wasn't sure about the whole judge-dating-the-ex-con thing.

But I said,

"You're only one 'yes' away from the rest of your life."

-That was you?

-We wanted a fresh start,

so we got married and moved upstate.

-So, no Ferris wheel? -Mnh-mnh.

-Because I bought you, like, a thousand Ferris-wheel

Christmas ornaments.

-Sorry, I should've told you.

But I was ashamed.

-I know what that's like.

When I was struggling,

I did things that I wouldn't want to tell my kids about.

When I have kids -- I don't have any secret kids.

But if I did, this would be the time to tell you.

No, I thought I was the only screw-up in the family.

It's nice to know that my perfect mom

is as messed up as I am.

-Oh! I'm a huge mess.

There is one other thing.

[ Sighs ]

Abby isn't short for Abigail.

Your real name is Abracadabra Stone.

I'm sorry. That one's on your father.

-You know what?

I think I've always felt like an Abracadabra.

Order in the court!

Judge Abracadabra Stone presiding.

I love it.

-Hey!

Well, looks like it all worked out.

You guys made up, and nobody's mad at me for exposing

for a decades-long family secret for my own profit.

-So, um, what you got there? Couple hundred bucks?

-Uh...

-How would you like to double that?

-See, this is why I don't come down here.

-Sorry you didn't transform.

Until tonight, I didn't even know

there was a glass ceiling in the wolf world.

But I was rooting for you to break it.

-Thanks for seeing me, Gurgs.

I'll do my best not to eat you tonight.

-What's the matter, Neil?

Did you hit the jukebox, and it didn't come on?

-I blew it with Gina.

My streak is over.

-Well, why you care so much about Gina?

[ Gasps ] You got a crush on Gina!

-What? No.

-[ Gasps ] You got a crush on me!

-If I had a crush on you,

I'd be trying to impress yourmom.

[ Both gasp ]

-You got a crush on Abby!

-Oh, no.

I do.

-You are so screwed.

But that means my seventh sense was right.

There was a love connection in the courtroom.

-Gurgs, you cannot tell her.

-Well, I can keep a secret, but I can't speak for Pam.

[ Pam howls ]

Oh, you're good. She got her own stuff going on.