Original subtitles

Dan, come on over. The water's fine.

I have the same water as you, and you know it's not fine.

Alright, well, you're missing out,

'cause we're having a pretty good time over here.

Ah!

What? What is it?

It's nothing, your odor-- Your Honor.

Hypothetically, if you had a co-worker

who smelled like soggy cardboard in the back of a taxi,

would you want me to tell you that that's you?

I'm having some issues with my apartment.

It's above a German beer hall, so no matter what I do,

I smell like a combination of sauerkraut, mustard,

and soccer fan B.O.

Yeah, it's not my dream apartment, but it's New York.

Nobody spends time inside anyway.

And it will be even less

when my fiancé, Rand, visits this weekend.

He wants to go see the ladies of "The View."

Not the show. He knows where they live

for some reason.

So, it's totally fine. It's fine.

It's not fine for people who are close to you

and still have a nose.

You need a new apartment. You know, and you happen to be

in the building with the info to get it.

What you do is that you find whoever has this place wired,

and you're set.

Claire, looking good.

Donnie, I loved your one-man show.

Timo! How's your mama's psoriasis?

Well, tell her to keep her head up and her scalp moisturized.

I see where this is going.

Fine, I'll help you.

So, Gurgs,

how's your life going?

Great as always. I got a quesadilla maker.

With a little bit of cheese,

I can turn anything into a quesadilla.

This folder? Quesadilla.

This shirt? Quesadilla.

I heard you might, uh, know certain things,

like places where people, um, dwell.

What the judge is trying to ask is can you help her find

a new apartment that doesn't make her smell

like the inside of a men's-only omelet cafe?

Thank you, Dan.

I'd just love to have something to show Rand this weekend.

We've been doing the long-distance thing,

but we make it fun.

There's a nice little diner halfway between us

that specializes in something called Oneonta Clam Chowder,

which is gray.

Well, I'm glad you came to me for help.

I'm a great amateur Realtor.

I found my friend Cheryl an amazing storefront

where she sells garbage cams.

- Cans. - Cams.

Cans. - Cams.

Okay, I think we got it.

And finding you a place will be super easy.

I mean, who wouldn't want a judge owing them a favor?

Uh, I'd rather my position not be a part of it.

I became a judge because I want

to help people, not for the perks.

Okay, so you got a moral code.

That's gonna make this harder.

But I got this.

Would you be okay if people watched you sleep

as part of an art experiment?

Abby will find a place, and she'll look back on this fondly,

because having a bad apartment in New York

is a rite of passage, like telling your friend

you loved his play.

I lived under a cannery once.

Did you know fish scream?

Aah!

That's male salmon.

I think I left something in the cafeteria.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah. It was my charger

for my, uh, bippity-bip, ring-ring.

Whoa. Wait. What's happening?

- Oh. Is that her? - Is what? Is that who?

I've never met anyone. Let's go. - No, wait, just--

I never thought I'd say this to anybody in this building,

but, Neil, please, tell me more.

A few years ago, Olivia was up for a job

at one of those big law firms

that represents all the terrible people.

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

So, she bombs the interview,

chases that woman down, corners her--

No, I nailed the interview,

and then after, in the lobby,

I bumped into one of the partners, Lesley,

and I got a little flustered

trying to engage in polite conversation,

you know, like, "How do you take your pudding?"

Dear God.

And-- And-- And then I accidentally crammed myself

into the same section of the revolving door

that she was in, and it got stuck.

For six hours, and she talked about pudding the whole time.

That is a career ruiner,

but on the bright side, you have made me very happy.

Can we stop talking about this now?

'Cause I hate this story.

Oh, y'all talking about door pudding?

I love that story.

What is she even doing here?

I-I thought I would never have to see that woman again.

It looks like she has a case here tomorrow night.

What? I'm gonna be in court tomorrow night.

That means I'm gonna have to look at her.

And she's gonna be able to look at me.

Well, that's how being in the same room with a person works.

Y'all gonna come in here and do your job or what?

The State is charging Mr. Simms with assault.

He had an altercation with his landlord,

who evicted him after his ninth noise complaint.

But, Your Honor, you got to understand,

I'm just trying to write that one perfect song.

Let's not.

Assault? Your Honor, this was a simple misunderstanding.

My client accidentally pushed his landlord

as he was being evicted from his home of 12 years.

Bailiff, do you need a moment?

I'm fine, Your Honor.

Eviction, huh? That's interesting.

An empty apartment.

Empty like crazy.

Bailiff, approach the bench.

Oh. I never get to do this.

Did you move an eviction case to the top of the pile?

No, Your Honor.

I infiltrated the entire pile.

The day clerk owed me a favor,

so I got him to kick us all his eviction cases.

I don't think I love this version of house hunting.

Why? You're not doing anything wrong. You're just sitting here,

listening to details. Enjoy.

Your Honor, Mr. Simms has lived in his Gramercy Park apartment

since... - Hmm.

...2010.

He was distraught. He was being thrown out

of a home that he had spent years renovating.

Mm.

Your Honor, none of this excuses the injuries

that my client and his--

Injuries that, uh--

Sorry. What I was trying to say was...

he go jail now.

Okay, the people have failed to prove

that this was not an accident.

Mr. Simms, you're free to go.

And for the record, there already is a perfect song.

It's called "You Oughta Know," and it's by Alanis Morissette.

Counselors, approach.

What am I missing here? - Uh, sorry.

It's just, there's a woman here who, um, rejected me for a job.

So, I-I just need a second to get it together.

I don't know about that. I think you had the "So, um,

he go jail now" prosecution down perfect.

Mr. Fielding, it's not polite to razz the prosecution.

That wasn't razzing.

That was mocking.

Okay, let's take five.

Oh, that's how I know you.

You're door pudding.

Yes.

Welcome.

I'm just here scoping out this place before my trial tomorrow.

You know, I'm surprised someone with your potential

would end up here.

You do an amazing impression of my mother.

Unless it's actually a pretty smart play.

Build up trial experience, get some wins.

I'll be interested to see what you do tomorrow.

Oh. Right. Tomorrow.

That's two days after yesterday.

And the day that I'll be calling in sick.

I'll just say that I ate whatever Abby smells like.

Hey, it's whatever "Her Honor" smells like to you.

Ugh, it's on the gavel now.

Call in sick?

What are you talking about?

She was courting you.

- She was? - Yes, yes.

She was hinting that you still got a shot at this job.

I mean, it was so obvious, even Neil could pick up on it.

- What did I pick up on? - Oh. No, he didn't.

But all you have to do is show her what you've got tomorrow.

I can't go up against her in a conversation.

What are the odds I'm gonna beat her in a trial?

Alright, look, if you're that nervous, I can help you prepare.

Why would you do that?

You want something from me.

All I want is the fulfillment I get

from passing along my guidance and wisdom

to the next generation. - Uh-huh.

And a bagel and lox from Zabar's

every Saturday morning for the next four months.

Yeah. Okay.

I'll take the help.

- Uh, Olivia? - Uh-huh.

You forget the capers, I'll ruin you.

I really appreciate everything you've been doing, Gurgs,

but I just can't take the apartment

of someone who's just been evicted.

Loud and clear. You don't feel good

about using the court to get you stuff.

But you do like finding the good in a bad situation.

That gave me the inspiration

for the death certificate office.

These people don't need in-unit washer/dryers.

They're in God's hamper now.

Still, it's a little creepy, right?

Everybody thinks that,

but there's actually nothing creepy about this place.

Hey, Sandy.

You been working out?

There are some nice zip codes here.

But still, it's just not ideal

that my first apartment with Rand

is somewhere where "two people exploded each other."

Aww, hope it was for love.

No, keep reading. It says it wasn't.

Okay, you know what?

I actually think that my current apartment isn't so bad.

Smelling like sausages does have its upside.

Who doesn't love a bunch of dogs following them around?

Well, I'm sorry I couldn't help,

but why don't you come over to my place tomorrow morning

before Rand gets here, have some brunch quesadillas,

and take a shower where you won't come out

smelling worse than when you started?

I-I don't think I should.

We should really keep this professional.

Actually, please let me.

I've snuck into the Equinox so many times,

they're now keeping guards outside the showers.

- Come on in. - I brought my own towel.

Ah, but now I'm feeling weird about drying my body

with something I carried on the subway,

so I still need to borrow a towel.

Why is there no furniture?

I am embracing minimalism.

I had to get you to see this place.

It's perfect, and you can barely sense that someone died here

of auto-erotic, uh...

natural causes.

Alright. So, first, we got to get you in the right headspace.

Visualize yourself in the courtroom, in control.

You are powerful, tall, masculine.

You're me.

I don't think this is helping.

- Do I have to stay for this? - Yes.

You are an integral part of the process.

Our remote control.

Now, play the tape of Lesley in day court.

Now, watch the way she moves.

There's-- There's a cocky strut there.

Yeah, and look at that day clerk, Clint,

peacocking around in his bolo tie.

Now, if you mimic her movements,

you will confuse and frighten her.

Now, watch the way she walks there. You see that?

There's a bit of a-a lean to it there. Right?

Uh-huh. Yeah, like that, like that.

Now, remember, this is your home court.

You're in control. You know, take up space.

Don't give her any space.

More-- Well, maybe not that much space.

Okay, I can't do this! I can't do it!

I-I can't walk like her. I can't talk like her.

I am never gonna beat her.

I just-- I give up. - You can't give up.

You've got to make up for the oyster thing.

I-I mean for the door thing.

Oh, that's what this is about.

Some oyster thing.

This isn't about me. This is about you.

Yes, of course it's about me.

Everything's about me.

I was up for a job at an ampersand firm,

and I was so close to getting it

that the partners even took me out for a celebratory lunch.

I decided I would impress them

with my expert oyster-shucking skills.

Unfortunately, earlier, I had already impressed them

with my whiskey drinking skills.

And the oyster knife slipped,

and I stabbed the oldest partner.

Small tip-- don't pull the knife back out.

Also, don't put it back in.

Even when everybody's screaming, "Why did you pull it out?!"

That one little mistake cost me a job and my future career,

but you, you have a chance to rewrite your origin story.

You show Lesley up, and it'll be a win for you,

but more importantly, it would be a win

for night court lawyers everywhere.

Even more importantly than that, it'll be a win for me.

Gurgs, we talked about this.

I'm sorry I tricked you, but this place is such a find.

2 bed, 1-1/2 bath, fireplace.

Smell that.

That's nothing. Your apartment don't have to

smell like anything.

I wish that was true. I just--

I don't want to use the fact that I'm a judge

to help me get into a-- - No.

You are always trying to find the bright side of things.

Can't you find the bright side

of getting first dibs on a place like this?

It is nice. I guess I could just look around.

Yeah, you could.

I mean, that wouldn't be unethical.

It would be ethical as hell.

Just one caveat, barely worth mentioning.

New York City landlords don't like renting

to judges or lawyers, so if he asks, you make teeth.

Arnold!

This is my friend Abby I was telling you about.

I-I make teeth.

- Is that interesting work, or... - Oh, is it ever. Yeah.

I-I love looking in people's mouths.

It's-- It's like a hot, weird cave in there.

Well, actually, I was wondering,

my son, he just grew in an extra tooth.

Is that normal? - Oh, yeah, yeah. So normal.

The, um-- The average human...

...has anywhere between 19 and 50 teeth.

Well, I'll-- I'll just, uh-- I'll follow up

on your references, and I'll be in touch.

Fingers crossed.

Or, as we say in the tooth business...

It's in the tooth fairy's hands now.

May that wily bitch bless us this day.

- Rewrite my story. - Rewrite your story.

Rewrite it, girl.

Notice anything different

"bolo" my neck?

Wait, where's Lesley?

She had to go handle a higher profile case.

Bludgeoning.

So you guys get the Devinator.

Sorry, I should have started with, "I'm Devin."

Of course I'm not going to get to go up against Lesley,

because my life has been cursed since the day I met her.

And much like that revolving door,

I am now stuck in a sweaty chamber of my own failure.

You know, I said this is about me, but it isn't.

It's about you.

Alright, look, this type of disappointment

is still fresh to you.

After I shucked my way out of that job,

I beat myself up for years,

but that doesn't have to happen to you,

because you have two things that I didn't--

a chance to go and kick Devin's ass,

and more importantly, you have me

to give you speeches like this.

You know what? This is about me.

I'm the hero. Yes, of course. It, uh, makes sense.

Alright, now go in there and destroy this schmuck

who took your dream job and is living your dream life.

You think he has a vintage Ralph Lauren

mahogany sleigh bed?

Oh, I do, I really do.

Let's do this.

It's a pull.

Doors. Not her thing.

And so, in conclusion,

I humbly ask this court

to stand up for truth and justice,

so that our children may grow up in a world

where no man can steal an ambulance,

even if it is a triple dare.

The prosecution rests.

Thank you, counselor.

In the future, I only ask

that you keep your arguments under two hours.

Guilty.

That's a recess, people.

Good work, counselor.

Oh, and just know that Zabar's gets really crowded

on Saturday morning, so get there early.

Oh, Judge, you got the place!

Oh, gosh, I got it?

Oh, I cannot wait to tell Rand

I have a place to show him this weekend.

He's not coming down, is he?

Something came up at work, so he had to cancel.

You know, it's actually better, because I am gonna start

planning how to decorate the apartment.

I'm gonna get the floor plans,

and I'm gonna start measuring, so--

You don't have to do that.

You don't have to always try and find the positive spin.

You're allowed to be mad.

I think it's better to put positive energy out there.

To each his own.

I always try to put medium energy out there.

Of course, no energy is the dream.

Yes, it is hard to be positive all the time.

Especially lately.

This transition has been a little harder than I thought.

Mm. You know what?

Let's try something for the next few minutes.

Just allow yourself to be angry.

- No, I don't think-- - No, just try it.

- No, it's just not how I-- - Just try it.

Would you stop interrupting me?!

I have enough going on already!

Nothing is going how I planned!

My apartment makes me smell disgusting!

I have to eat chicken breakfast at 4:00 in the afternoon!

I can't unsubscribe from any e-mail list,

which has nothing to do with the move, but it's very frustrating!

- Anything else? - And Rand isn't here!

I want him to be here to help me with this stuff!

And, no, I know it's not totally fair to make him uproot his life

just for me to pursue a dream, but, ugh, I want it anyway!

Want to keep going? You got at least another 30 seconds left,

and you haven't even mentioned gray chowder.

He's coming. The landlord. Remember, you make teeth.

- What? - He came to get a copy

of his tenant's death certificate,

and now he's almost here.

Arnold! You old so-and-so.

Hey, how is your son's weird mouth?

I was just in the building when I ran into your friend,

but she screamed, "I'm not here" and ran.

So, you're a judge?

Just got a new job.

Big step up.

Yes, I-I am a judge.

Uh, but I love that apartment,

and I've had a really bad day.

Any chance you can give a gal a break?

I could still make you a tooth.

How hard could it be?

Actually, I just learned the apartment's no longer available.

You just learned that?

Yeah. Just now.

I'm gonna go.

I'd like the room, please.

Oh.

Just--

See you tomorrow.

I believe we unleashed something.

What you mean, "we"?

Sorry about the apartment, Judge.

Mm. Me, too, but it's totally fine.

Don't do it.

Okay, it's not totally fine. It's bad.

See? I'm getting better. - And you're gonna tell Rand

you want him to move down here now?

Not quite ready for that yet,

but I am feeling good about finding a new place,

and I may be willing to play the game a little bit.

Perfect, because Sandy just got a big batch of leads in.

Now, I don't want to think that he's responsible

for these deaths, but I honestly don't know.

He's an interesting guy.

I think I'm gonna try it my way.

I'm gonna bring muffins to the marriage license office.

Like with me and Rand, marriages often mean

one person giving up their old apartment,

and I'd rather capitalize on people's happiness

than their misfortune.

Leave it to you to take all the fun

out of bending a corrupt system to your will.

Alright, but you gonna have to break the news to Sandy.