Original subtitles

First up, we have Mr. Turkel,

who's accused of attempted robbery.

Your Honor, the security-camera footage

clearly places the defendant at the scene of the crime.

So, grainy footage that could be either my client or Bigfoot?

Well, we don't even need the camera footage

because we have an eyewitness.

Oh, sorry, Your Honor.

The witness could've seen anyone.

My client has an undeniable, everyman look.

He could be mistaken for anyone in this gallery.

Counselor, is your defense just finding people

who look like your client?

What? Do they?

Oh! Yes!

My God.

They do.

Carmine, what are you doing here?

I got caught robbing this lady's store.

He's joking. The only thing my client

is guilty of is possession of a razor-sharp wit.

The defendant just confessed. Can we have the stenographer

read that back, please?

Oh, did you guys start?

Your Honor, I think we can wrap this up pretty quickly.

Now, the prosecution is going to argue

that the evidence is incontrovertible.

And I will refute it, point by point,

successfully showing that it's inadmissible.

The bailiff is gonna drop her keys...

- Witch! - ...and since it is

my client's first offense,

you're obviously going to rule--

Guilty.

Damn it!

Fine. Fine, fine.

Well, you got to admit, the key thing was pretty good.

Especially the second time.

I don't understand this new judge.

Work is over.

Why does she want us to stick around?

Well, maybe she got us a present.

Maybe we can wear it.

Ooh! Or eat it.

Maybe we can wear it, then eat it.

Chocolate jackets.

You know, if I were you, I'd get used to this.

I worked with Abby's father for a long time,

and in addition to being an overenthusiastic judge,

he was an amateur magician.

His greatest trick was to make my free time

outside of his courtroom...

disappear.

10 bucks says it's an inspirational speech.

Hey, everybody.

I have presents for you all.

But first, a speech.

When my dad sat in that chair, he made every person

who walked through those doors feel like they mattered,

and that's just what I want to do.

That's why I went out and got us an awesome public defender.

When will they be getting here?

Oh, God.

And it was the inspiration behind this present.

Water bottles with motivational quotes

to get you through the day.

Night! -"Made in China."

I do feel motivated.

I know there are problems here

that water bottles can't solve--

the weird stain on the wall,

the thriving bird colony

that lives in the ceiling-- I've got a whole list.

But there is nothing that can stop us

from making this place better

if we all work together as Nighthawks.

Oh, I'm not putting energy into making this place better.

I'm trying to get out of here.

This isn't a job,

it's an escape room.

Come on. There's gotta be someone here

who wants to make some big changes with me.

Neil!

Thank you for volunteering.

I want you to pick anything you want to improve out

this courtroom and go crazy.

Take a cue from Nikolai, who's already hard at work

getting rid of those pesky ceiling birds.

Oh, we don't have the budget to get rid of them.

He's just throwing food up there to satisfy the alphas.

Pepperoni's their favorite.

We're gonna fix that.

'Cause we're the Nighthawks!

Ca-caw! - Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

Not while they're feeding.

Thanks. Hey, can I get your advice

on something, Gurgs?

I mean, I can tell it's a wig,

but I don't think anyone else can.

Here's my problem--

I asked Dan to be our public defender because,

based on the stories my dad told me,

I thought he had the potential to be really good at it.

You were wrong about that.

Your daddy got you good.

I know. I just need a good

defense attorney to make this work.

I'm just worried if I push him too hard,

he's gonna go back to his lonely existence.

Just a man, a freezer of loose meat,

and Target bag full of duck sauce.

Well, unless you can fit all that on a water bottle,

you're gonna have to tell him to his bearded face.

Whose bearded face?

You're gonna figure this out.

Just keep your wig on.

You wanted to see me?

Yes! Yeah. Thanks for stopping by.

First off, gotta say, you are an amazing lawyer.

It is truly an honor--

- What do you want? - Okay, um...

Well, you know how sometimes

when someone is doing some things--

Faster.

You were a great prosecutor, and I just noticed

that you might be hitting a rough patch

now that you're on the other side,

and I was wondering if you might need any help

in the transition. - Not necessary.

I'm only here temporarily until you find someone

to fill in permanently.

Okay, okay, just hear me out.

For a lot of people, coming through night court

can be a major low point.

And I just think if we show them some compassion,

we have the opportunity to really turn their lives around.

Who knows? One of your clients could be

the next Bill Gates or Maya Angelou.

So, the guy busted for stealing menthol cigarettes

and beef jerky could be the next Maya Angelou?

You don't know what Maya got up to.

Okay, just look.

I am not here to be part of anybody's project.

Hold on! Hold on! You're not a project.

I realize that you're doing me a favor, but...

is there any way you could do that favor

slightly differently-ish?

So you want me to act more like a public defender.

- Yes. - A sad, soup-eating,

outer-borough-living public defender.

If that's what you really want, I can do that.

So you just get ready for more public defending than--

Faster!

Sounds better when you say it.

I was just waiting for you to realize that.

This is bone white, and this is ghost white.

That's not what ghosts look like in my neighborhood.

So, this is your big change?

The boss gave you carte blanche to do anything you wanted,

and that's what you did?

Shows how much you know.

This is carte blanche.

This opportunity is wasted on you.

It's not an opportunity, Olivia, it's a curse.

I come here so I can do nothing.

And if you do nothing, you can't fail.

There are a million things you can change around here.

Start with the stenographer.

I thought y'all were friends.

She's telling everyone you're her emergency contact.

Oh, yeah, no, that's only 'cause her last

three emergency contacts mysteriously disappeared.

Wait.

Should I be worried about that?

I would be.

You gotta keep a stenographer on your good side.

Otherwise, they'll read back testimony

with just a tinge of disdain.

It could cost you a case.

But I'm just-- I'm so tired of keeping up this relentless--

Oh, hey, Maggie! Whoo!

Those pants are on you, girl.

Is that what you think a friend sounds like?

Neil, I noticed the paper, and I love it.

Want to see the first thing I printed?

Is that paper serious?

The paper was a home run. And you know what?

Feel free, next time, take an even bigger swing.

Big Swing Neil.

Probably after we do the court stuff.

Yeah, right, the court stuff.

Uh, okay.

Uh, next up, we have...

uh, the People vs.,

uh, that guy.

Mr. Buchwald is charged with indecent exposure

while urinating on a Starbucks.

Your Honor, the facts of this case are not in dispute,

but this man-- this beautiful human person man--

deserves better.

If your loving father had died

in the bean fields of Colombia,

you would hate coffee, too.

You see a puddle of urine,

I see a puddle of tears shed for the loss of a dear papa.

Sir, is any of this true?

Please, Your Honor, don't make my client relive

a painful experience that happened

to millions of people-- and possibly him.

Mr. Fielding, what are you doing?

I'm doing exactly what you asked me to do.

I'm acting like a public defender.

I'm feeling for my client.

And I have so many feelings.

They're moving around inside my body.

Counselor, please approach the bench.

I like the sweater.

It really makes a statement, like,

"I told the judge I was gonna do something

but then did as close to nothing as possible."

This is not nothing.

Uh, this is me showing that your idea of how

I should defend these clients is no better than how I do it

because, basically, they're all guilty anyway.

Mr. Buchwald, I, um--

I notice this is your first run-in with the law.

Also see here on your intake forms you misspelled

a couple words.

You transposed your vowels a few times.

By any chance, are you dyslexic?

I am, Your Honor, but it's my understanding

that's only a crime in Texas.

And does this condition make it difficult to, say,

type in a bathroom security code?

Uh, objection-- the judge is doing his job.

Court finds in favor of defense on the basis of disability.

Case dismissed.

Good catch. We make a great team, huh?

Yeah, all right, fine, fine, fine, you made your point.

Your-- Your approach could work, too.

But, you know, I'm not that kind of lawyer.

I deal with evidence and precedent,

not feelings, emotions,

and "Mommy didn't hug me enough so now I eat people."

See, you're giving up on yourself,

which makes you the perfect person to represent people

who are constantly given up on.

Fine. All right, fine, fine.

I will try.

I will dig in.

I will get to know my clients as people.

Just like my water bottle says, "You Can D It."

The "O" is already washed off.

FYI, you can't get these wet.

So, are we still on for this weekend?

This weeken-- This-- Can't.

Ugh, got my cousin's baby shower.

No, you don't. On October 8th,

I asked if you had anything planned this weekend,

and you said it was your cousin's baby shower.

But then, on the 12th, you said it moved to my birthday

when I invited you to Medieval Times.

So that means that this weekend, you are all mine.

Girls trip!

Bus leaves at 5:00 a.m.

You have the memory of a serial killer.

In a fun way.

Let us talk about you as a person, Howie.

Now, we know that you've been dropping nets on your neighbors

because you believe them to be "secret lizards."

But I want to get to know the man behind the nets.

So how did we get here?

I believe the Constitution guarantees me

the right to a human attorney, not a bug-eating lizard lawyer.

Okay.

Were you attacked by a salamander when you were a kid?

D-Did your dad leave your mom for a-- a gecko?

Paint me the science-fiction country song that is your life.

Let me put this into words you'll understand.

How am I supposed to get to know

these people when they do stuff like that?

Don't take this the wrong way, but nobody likes you.

You're too tall.

You think you're better than everybody.

You got a mean face.

There it is.

Hold on a second. You talk to people.

I mean, and they talk back to you.

You could talk to them and report back to me.

What's in it for me?

Joy of getting to know your fellow human beings.

20 bucks. -$50.

Or I'll do it for free if you can tell me my name.

Mm, you are getting 50 bucks.

Goodnight, everybody. I brought some--

Oh. Ah.

What's happening?

So, I took your advice and made some big moves.

I decided, why wait months for maintenance

to paint over the water stain

when Nikolai can do a beautiful mural of your favorite

Supreme Court Justices in no time?

Nikolai's painting a mural?

Apparently, one of his paintings

was almost in the Getty Museum.

Ah, and why are they all wearing baseball mitts?

I don't do hands.

And you hired a new stenographer?

Oh, that was my idea.

This is Blaine.

He types 250 words per minute,

has his own friends, and he brought doughnuts.

So, any big swings on your end?

I brought doughnuts.

As good as Blaine's?

No.

I gotta say, you really went for it with the changes.

And maybe you should've run some of them by me,

but I'm proud of you, Neil.

Can you read that back, Blaine?

"I'm proud of you, Neil."

You didn't have to do that.

It felt like he needed it.

Where have you been?!

I needed a moment to organize my notes. Here.

- What? - Okay, so, greens are bad news,

yellows are good news.

And for your convenience,

I've arranged them in order of juiciness.

I was expecting a folder.

What-- This is nonsense.

Counselor, everything okay?

Yes, Your Honor, just organizing my, um,

e-extensive research.

"Eats paper." What does that even mean?

It's pretty self-explanatory.

I hate you.

Okay. Next case-- People vs. Dargis.

Mr. Fielding, are you prepared to defend your client?

Yes, Your Honor, so prepared.

I know all about this man.

We just shared a meal.

Your Honor, Mr. Dargis is charged with

disturbing the peace. He's accused of dropping nets

on unsuspecting pedestrians while shouting, and I quote,

"You ain't got not style, reptile."

Um, uh, Your Honor, before we get into who threw what on whom,

I would like to talk about my client as a person.

This man, he's, um-- um, he's...

Two words.

Um, he is not...

gill...

tea.

Not guilty.

How does that help?

What is going on?

Your Honor, he tried to talk to his clients,

but he hated it so much, he paid me to do it for him.

Sorry. I'm under oath.

Not under oath.

I asked you to do one thing-- your job--

and you couldn't even try? - You know what?

If you don't like what I'm doing, just say so.

I can leave. I don't need this.

Yeah, you do.

Otherwise, you're back on your sad couch

with your freezer full of pity meat.

That was thank-you meat.

Yes! For helping people!

I know you can do this.

I don't know why you're fighting it.

I am not one of your improvement projects,

which, by the way, none of them will make any difference here.

Oh, yeah? Our new stenographer

is a huge improvement.

Blaine is getting all of this.

Please leave me out of this.

- Objection! - Ooh.

Looks like one of your huge improvement projects

just Johnny Walker-ed back in.

Maggie, Maggie, calm down.

I know it seems like a bad day, but every--

- Shut up! - Okay.

- I'm here for him. - She's the one you want.

It was her idea to fire you.

I thought we would get to spend more time together.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, no. Girls trip!

Whoo!

- That's a lie! - Yeah.

Did you mean anything that you said on October 12th

at 5:47 p.m.?

Okay, that's enough. Let's go.

Whoa! Look out!

She got a--

water bottle.

Maggie, come on. - Stop! No!

- Ohh! - Ohh!

We destroyed their home, and now they're coming for ours!

If it makes you feel any better, your dad used to

make birds appear in this courtroom all the time!

I think I recognize one of them!

Weird day.

Definitely not the weirdest.

A whole bird flew in my mouth.

Well, that's your fault for having a head

that looks like a birdhouse.

Beak to butt, that thing was in there.

You know, even though there's an argument to be made

that this is all her fault,

I can't help but feeling a little bad for Abby.

But she's got to learn, as long as she's here,

there are gonna be a lot of disappointments in her future.

You know what?

At least I'm helping her realize that by being her first,

because whatever it is she thinks she sees in me,

not there.

I hear you, man.

And I know a thing or two about seeing things that aren't there.

There are days I feel like maybe my stepdad is right

and I should just hang up my lizard nets

and do sex stuff with hotties.

But then I think, do I want my smoking-hot grandkids

living in a world that's riddled with lizards?

Wait.

Was that what I thought it was?

Yeah. A client just opened up to you.

Y'all made a real connection!

Like Neil and that bird.

If that's your resignation, you could just leave it right there.

This doesn't have to be awkward.

Or maybe it does. I don't know.

I've never gotten into a fight with an old friend

of my father's in front of a room

full of people during a pigeon storm.

This is Phil Clemens.

He was arrested for performing non-consensual haircuts.

But that was only because his niece has alopecia

and he wanted to create a wig for her.

He complimented your hair, by the way,

so I'd keep my back to the wall if he's around.

This is Rosa Rosenberg.

She was arrested for carrying a concealed weapon,

but it is a completely non-functional

emotional-support gun.

Reminds her of her father.

His name was Colt.

He died at 45.

So you connected with your clients?

There's one more.

This is Dan Fielding.

He can be a bit of a prick,

but he's smart enough to realize that having someone around

who can see the best in people is probably a good thing.

We had that type here once before.

And it seems, to him,

that it's a good thing to try and help that person.

It couldn't be the very, very worst way to spend his time.

♪ Dan, you'll be a great public defender ♪

♪ You're gonna be here forever ♪

Don't sing sentences.

And I'm still just here temporarily.

But now that I am the whole package,

New York is gonna have to brace itself

for the number of criminals I am gonna set free.

Not exactly what I had in mind but enough to cross "Fix Dan"

off my list.

I knew I was on there!

You're on there like four more times.

So, the Getty Museum Nikolai almost had his painting in

wasn't the famous one in L.A., it was--

It was The Estelle Getty Museum in Miami, Florida.

Apparently, Nikolai learned American painting

from watching "Golden Girls" reruns,

and that's all he can paint.

I might not be a big-swing guy.

I appreciate you trying.

I know it probably doesn't feel like it right at this moment,

but I really believe we're on the right track.

People are starting to buy in.

And at least you made one big improvement--

you got the birds out of the ceiling.

They're finally gone.

They're not gone.

They're just waiting.

But next time, I will be ready.

Hey, shouldn't he be cleaning this up?

Are you gonna tell him?

- Nope. - Yeah.