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1
00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:06,738
Hey, hey, hey! Judge!
2
00:00:06,909 --> 00:00:08,536
Any disembowelments tonight?
3
00:00:08,711 --> 00:00:10,269
Not that I know of, no.
4
00:00:10,446 --> 00:00:12,640
Mutilation murders? Bizarre suicides?
5
00:00:12,814 --> 00:00:15,374
Nothing good on TV tonight,
huh, Mr?
6
00:00:15,550 --> 00:00:17,609
- Craven. Al Craven.
- Yeah.
7
00:00:17,786 --> 00:00:21,017
With the Gazette. I did that big
front-page story last week...
8
00:00:21,189 --> 00:00:23,817
...on the lady who fricasseed the poodle.
9
00:00:24,392 --> 00:00:26,917
- AI Craven, the journalist.
- Yeah.
10
00:00:27,095 --> 00:00:30,962
You know, I really like it here in court.
There's always a never-ending supply...
11
00:00:31,131 --> 00:00:33,691
...of human misery in a place like this.
- Yeah.
12
00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:36,529
Most people don't see the fun side
of pain and suffering.
13
00:00:36,704 --> 00:00:38,604
Right.
14
00:00:39,573 --> 00:00:41,473
See you.
15
00:00:44,010 --> 00:00:45,307
Cute kid, the judge.
16
00:00:45,478 --> 00:00:48,208
Well, we think so,
but he's not exactly a kid.
17
00:00:48,381 --> 00:00:49,712
- Is this seat taken?
- Yes.
18
00:00:49,882 --> 00:00:51,315
Thank you.
19
00:00:52,285 --> 00:00:54,480
He doesn't even look old enough
to use a razor.
20
00:00:54,654 --> 00:00:57,487
Oh, and speaking of razors,
you would be revolted...
21
00:00:57,657 --> 00:01:00,625
...at what I've seen a razor do
to the human body.
22
00:01:02,761 --> 00:01:05,628
Be that as it may, Judge Stone
is older than you think.
23
00:01:05,797 --> 00:01:07,662
Well, how old is he?
24
00:01:07,833 --> 00:01:10,859
Well, he's... I don't know.
How old do you think he is, Dan?
25
00:01:11,436 --> 00:01:14,233
I don't know. It's one of those things
I never think about...
26
00:01:14,405 --> 00:01:16,771
...like "Is Pinky Lee still alive?"
27
00:01:17,375 --> 00:01:19,969
I'm sure you gotta be a minimum age
to be a judge.
28
00:01:20,144 --> 00:01:23,045
No, you have to have been practicing law
for at least 10 years.
29
00:01:23,214 --> 00:01:25,614
- I think he's about...
- Say, here's a novel approach:
30
00:01:25,783 --> 00:01:28,911
- Why don't we ask him. Judge Stone.
- Yo.
31
00:01:29,086 --> 00:01:32,145
We were just talking, and we're
a little curious. What is your age?
32
00:01:32,322 --> 00:01:34,620
Oh, I'm a little over 900 years old.
33
00:01:35,792 --> 00:01:37,953
That's what a spiritualist
once told me, anyway.
34
00:01:38,128 --> 00:01:40,722
Seems I have this very old soul.
35
00:01:41,331 --> 00:01:43,595
The first couple hundred years
are sort of a blur.
36
00:01:43,767 --> 00:01:46,530
- I know how you feel.
- Yeah.
37
00:01:46,702 --> 00:01:48,761
- Bye.
- See you.
38
00:01:50,572 --> 00:01:52,096
- Colorful guy.
- I'm telling you...
39
00:01:52,274 --> 00:01:55,334
...he has a few pages stuck together.
40
00:01:55,511 --> 00:01:56,739
Wanna talk crazy?
41
00:01:56,912 --> 00:01:59,574
You read the piece I did about the guy
who went berserk...
42
00:01:59,748 --> 00:02:01,738
...and turned his loved ones
into lunchmeat?
43
00:02:03,818 --> 00:02:08,084
Well, you'll have to excuse me.
All this lunch talk is making me hungry.
44
00:02:09,190 --> 00:02:11,681
I guess the judge is in his 20s.
45
00:02:11,859 --> 00:02:13,827
I say he's close to 40.
46
00:02:13,995 --> 00:02:16,292
In dog years, maybe.
47
00:02:16,596 --> 00:02:20,430
- I'll bet you 5 he's 28.
- You're on.
48
00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:22,591
- You got a bet.
- You're both acting selfish.
49
00:02:22,769 --> 00:02:25,203
Why don't we get a pool together
so we can all play.
50
00:02:25,539 --> 00:02:27,837
- Hey, now, that sounds good to me.
- Excuse me.
51
00:02:28,008 --> 00:02:30,840
How are you gonna determine the winner
if he won't tell his age.
52
00:02:31,010 --> 00:02:32,637
There's gotta be ways to find out.
53
00:02:32,812 --> 00:02:35,781
We could saw him in half
and count the rings.
54
00:02:36,515 --> 00:02:38,847
No. Hey, it's gotta be a matter
of public record...
55
00:02:39,018 --> 00:02:41,418
...like civil service forms or whatever,
right, Lana?
56
00:02:41,587 --> 00:02:43,020
- Yeah.
- Easily, Lana.
57
00:02:43,189 --> 00:02:46,988
Oh, I suppose I could call downtown
and get a look at his personnel file.
58
00:02:47,158 --> 00:02:50,719
It's settled. I'll make up the sign-up
sheet and we'll pick the ages we want.
59
00:02:50,895 --> 00:02:52,123
- I'm in.
- Good.
60
00:02:52,297 --> 00:02:54,629
- I don't know.
- Oh, it'll be fun.
61
00:02:54,799 --> 00:02:56,699
I feel like we're prying.
62
00:02:56,868 --> 00:02:58,995
That's the fun part.
63
00:02:59,904 --> 00:03:04,340
I really don't understand society's
preoccupation with age in the first place.
64
00:03:04,508 --> 00:03:07,204
I mean, you're only as old as you feel,
right, Selma?
65
00:03:07,378 --> 00:03:08,743
That's vicious.
66
00:03:55,122 --> 00:03:57,022
Thank you.
67
00:04:00,594 --> 00:04:03,062
- What's this?
- The pool to guess Harry's age.
68
00:04:03,229 --> 00:04:05,754
- Oh, yeah.
- Now, there are still some good ages left...
69
00:04:05,932 --> 00:04:08,696
...so just put your initials
in any empty square.
70
00:04:11,471 --> 00:04:13,962
Don't press so hard.
71
00:04:14,874 --> 00:04:17,502
You crushed my nib.
72
00:04:18,545 --> 00:04:19,806
Sorry.
73
00:04:19,978 --> 00:04:21,673
Keep it.
74
00:04:21,847 --> 00:04:25,874
- What's next?
- Next we have a rather unusual case.
75
00:04:28,454 --> 00:04:30,046
- What's the problem?
- She's a slut.
76
00:04:30,222 --> 00:04:34,248
- He's an animal.
- Off the top of my head, marital problems?
77
00:04:34,425 --> 00:04:37,519
Not quite, Your Honor.
They never finished the ceremony.
78
00:04:38,830 --> 00:04:42,288
Ronald McKenzie, charged with destruction
of church property...
79
00:04:42,467 --> 00:04:45,231
...and disorderly conduct
in a house of worship.
80
00:04:45,403 --> 00:04:48,998
- Kind of pushing your luck, aren't you?
- Okay, so I got a little carried away.
81
00:04:49,173 --> 00:04:52,573
A little? He knocked the candelabras over,
smashed the flowers...
82
00:04:52,742 --> 00:04:55,233
...and destroyed the pulpit
with his bare hands.
83
00:04:55,579 --> 00:04:57,137
Second thoughts, Mr. McKenzie?
84
00:04:57,314 --> 00:04:58,713
I went out of my mind.
85
00:04:58,882 --> 00:05:02,010
Suppose on your wedding day
you saw your wife in the nude.
86
00:05:02,185 --> 00:05:05,085
I think I'll probably insist on it.
87
00:05:06,655 --> 00:05:09,954
My client was provoked, Your Honor,
pure and simple.
88
00:05:10,125 --> 00:05:14,789
You see, some jokers in the pews were
circulating naked photographs of the bride...
89
00:05:14,964 --> 00:05:17,296
...so naturally Mr. McKenzie
wasn't too pleased...
90
00:05:17,466 --> 00:05:21,162
...when his bride came down the aisle
to the sounds of stomping and whistling...
91
00:05:21,336 --> 00:05:26,364
...and shouts of "Hey, mama. Hey, mama.
You make me feel so good, mama."
92
00:05:30,178 --> 00:05:34,945
"Groom Tortured by Bride in the Buff."
How's that for a headline?
93
00:05:35,849 --> 00:05:39,979
Great. How's that for a cold sore?
94
00:05:42,322 --> 00:05:45,348
In the line of duty, Miss Williams,
do you have those pictures?
95
00:05:45,859 --> 00:05:49,659
Not in my possession, Your Honor,
but I believe you'll find the prosecution...
96
00:05:49,830 --> 00:05:52,662
...thumbing the evidence over there.
97
00:05:54,934 --> 00:05:56,925
- Mr. Fielding.
- What?
98
00:05:58,804 --> 00:06:01,500
Yes. Your Honor...
99
00:06:04,443 --> 00:06:06,842
I have no objection to the entrance
into evidence...
100
00:06:07,012 --> 00:06:10,573
...the April, 1980 issue
of Stud magazine...
101
00:06:10,749 --> 00:06:14,515
...bringing special attention
to pages 53, 54...
102
00:06:14,686 --> 00:06:17,120
...and 54a.
103
00:06:17,622 --> 00:06:20,785
- Your Honor, I object.
- Oh, I don't mind.
104
00:06:22,326 --> 00:06:26,092
Lana. The guy from
records retrieval is here.
105
00:06:30,935 --> 00:06:33,403
I got the file on Harold Stone.
106
00:06:33,571 --> 00:06:37,029
Wait a minute. This is sealed.
Why would his personnel record be sealed?
107
00:06:37,207 --> 00:06:40,232
- Oh, you wanted his personnel record?
- Yes. What's this?
108
00:06:40,410 --> 00:06:42,002
His criminal record.
109
00:06:44,113 --> 00:06:46,013
Criminal record?
110
00:06:46,349 --> 00:06:49,546
As far as anyone else is concerned,
I don't know anything about this.
111
00:06:49,719 --> 00:06:52,051
- Okay, I'll tell him.
- No. No.
112
00:06:53,221 --> 00:06:54,449
Wait.
113
00:06:54,623 --> 00:06:56,989
Yeah. Maybe we better have
a legal opinion.
114
00:06:57,159 --> 00:07:00,128
Why don't you tell Dan. But be discreet.
115
00:07:00,295 --> 00:07:03,992
I'm 6'8", 240, and I got no hair.
116
00:07:05,767 --> 00:07:08,360
- Do your best.
- Yeah.
117
00:07:10,237 --> 00:07:12,569
See what I mean, Your Honor?
Isn't it sickening?
118
00:07:12,740 --> 00:07:17,370
I didn't know you when those were taken.
I did it because I really needed the money.
119
00:07:17,545 --> 00:07:19,240
Things were tough for me then.
120
00:07:19,413 --> 00:07:24,372
- I had no job. I was hungry.
- Looks like you were cold too.
121
00:07:27,988 --> 00:07:30,183
Oh, no kidding?
122
00:07:31,858 --> 00:07:33,951
Something you'd like to share,
Mr. Fielding?
123
00:07:34,127 --> 00:07:36,891
No, no.
124
00:07:37,831 --> 00:07:40,799
Your Honor, the caseload
may get backed up if we don't...
125
00:07:40,966 --> 00:07:43,366
Get off the pot? Got it.
126
00:07:44,069 --> 00:07:47,004
Mr. McKenzie, do you have anything else
to say in your defense?
127
00:07:47,172 --> 00:07:49,265
Just that you can hardly blame me,
Your Honor.
128
00:07:49,441 --> 00:07:51,671
What kind of guy wants
his entire bowling team...
129
00:07:51,844 --> 00:07:53,971
...to know what his wife's goodies
look like?
130
00:07:54,779 --> 00:07:56,610
"Goodies"?
131
00:07:56,781 --> 00:08:02,913
It's a collective slang term representing five
separate portions of the female anatomy.
132
00:08:04,889 --> 00:08:07,449
Five? One, two...
133
00:08:10,827 --> 00:08:13,455
Mr. McKenzie, I do understand
how you feel...
134
00:08:13,630 --> 00:08:16,997
...but the fact remains that the lady
is not the one who's on trial here.
135
00:08:17,167 --> 00:08:20,227
Whether or not she should have posed
in the nude is not the point.
136
00:08:20,404 --> 00:08:22,998
Yeah? Well, the point is...
137
00:08:26,142 --> 00:08:28,736
...that I wanted you all to myself, Vickie.
138
00:08:28,911 --> 00:08:30,776
To me, your body is sacred.
139
00:08:30,946 --> 00:08:34,074
At least we agree on something.
140
00:08:35,217 --> 00:08:37,685
Look, maybe I'm not too proud
of those photos, okay?
141
00:08:37,853 --> 00:08:40,287
Maybe I was stupid to do it,
but it doesn't mean...
142
00:08:40,456 --> 00:08:42,685
...that I'm a bad person, does it?
143
00:08:42,857 --> 00:08:45,121
No, of course not.
144
00:08:45,293 --> 00:08:46,658
Hey, stuff it, rock face!
145
00:08:46,828 --> 00:08:49,524
- Mr. McKenzie...!
- Oh, now you shut up too for a minute!
146
00:08:49,698 --> 00:08:52,997
Ronald, stop it! You can't go around
telling people to shut up.
147
00:08:53,168 --> 00:08:55,295
- They won't like you.
- Everybody, shut up.
148
00:08:55,470 --> 00:08:58,370
I've been standing here looking
at nude pictures of my fianc�e!
149
00:08:58,539 --> 00:09:00,097
All right!
150
00:09:00,274 --> 00:09:02,469
How about all you folks go out,
take a break...
151
00:09:02,643 --> 00:09:07,546
...and breathe into a paper bag, huh?
Ten minute recess.
152
00:09:13,886 --> 00:09:16,980
Okay, let's open this baby up, huh?
153
00:09:17,156 --> 00:09:20,717
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Sweetheart, I tipped the courier...
154
00:09:20,893 --> 00:09:23,293
...to find out what he gave you.
- You are really...
155
00:09:23,463 --> 00:09:25,693
...compost. You know that?
- Hey.
156
00:09:25,865 --> 00:09:30,358
I mean, garbage, slime, swill.
I have been called it all.
157
00:09:30,535 --> 00:09:33,163
How about maggot sandwich?
158
00:09:37,442 --> 00:09:40,605
Jackie O., Studio 54.
159
00:09:40,779 --> 00:09:43,747
- Go away, Craven.
- Listen, I know I'm gonna get that file...
160
00:09:43,914 --> 00:09:47,145
...even if I have to resort to legal means.
161
00:09:51,188 --> 00:09:52,951
Come on, sweetheart. Open up the file.
162
00:09:53,124 --> 00:09:55,718
There is no way you're getting
your slime-soaked hooks...
163
00:09:55,893 --> 00:09:59,157
...on the judge's record.
- "Slime-soaked hooks"?
164
00:10:00,196 --> 00:10:03,688
Look, it's probably just a youthful
offender thing if the file is sealed.
165
00:10:03,867 --> 00:10:07,098
From a legal standpoint,
a juvenile file doesn't even exist.
166
00:10:07,270 --> 00:10:09,602
It can only be opened
by an officer of the court.
167
00:10:09,773 --> 00:10:12,435
- Like her.
- Out.
168
00:10:12,609 --> 00:10:14,371
- Maybe just a tiny peek.
- Little, huh?
169
00:10:14,543 --> 00:10:16,033
- No.
- Oh, come on, sweetheart.
170
00:10:16,211 --> 00:10:18,577
- I'm not your sweetheart.
- You're dying to know...
171
00:10:18,747 --> 00:10:21,545
...what Judge Stone is hiding
just as much as the rest of us.
172
00:10:21,717 --> 00:10:23,776
- Who says he's hiding anything?
- Hey...
173
00:10:23,952 --> 00:10:28,513
...everybody's got something to hide, lady.
That's what makes this country great.
174
00:10:29,190 --> 00:10:33,490
- Would you just get out of here?!
- No. Not until I have that file. Here. Give...
175
00:10:33,661 --> 00:10:36,596
You are not getting it now.
176
00:10:41,435 --> 00:10:43,959
I've been in worse places.
177
00:10:45,539 --> 00:10:46,836
Shocking, isn't it?
178
00:10:47,307 --> 00:10:48,797
Yes.
179
00:10:48,975 --> 00:10:50,772
So, what do you think?
180
00:10:50,944 --> 00:10:53,139
Frankly, Judge Stone, I'm floored.
181
00:10:53,313 --> 00:10:55,611
Yeah. The groom seemed
a bit surprised by it too.
182
00:10:55,782 --> 00:10:58,148
- What?
- What I can't stop thinking is...
183
00:10:58,318 --> 00:11:01,844
...what kind of sick mind would dredge up
somebody's past like that?
184
00:11:02,021 --> 00:11:05,684
I mean, bringing those photos
to the wedding...
185
00:11:05,858 --> 00:11:09,988
Gee, come on! Whatever happened
to toaster ovens and blenders?
186
00:11:10,529 --> 00:11:12,963
Harry, if you have anything else
to tell us...
187
00:11:13,132 --> 00:11:15,827
...I want you to know I'll understand.
188
00:11:16,234 --> 00:11:20,068
No. I'm finished, but thanks
for being there.
189
00:11:21,339 --> 00:11:25,503
I believe what the lady is referring to
is a certain...
190
00:11:25,910 --> 00:11:28,105
...skeleton in your closet.
191
00:11:28,413 --> 00:11:31,210
Craven, I see your lips moving,
but I don't hear anything.
192
00:11:31,381 --> 00:11:34,942
How's this for a headline:
"The Hoodlum Judge."
193
00:11:36,286 --> 00:11:38,550
Gonna make a great story.
194
00:11:39,423 --> 00:11:41,186
What's he talking about?
195
00:11:41,658 --> 00:11:46,287
Well, Your Honor, he seems to have gotten
this silly notion that you have a...
196
00:11:47,797 --> 00:11:49,560
...criminal record.
197
00:11:53,936 --> 00:11:56,598
- How did you find out about that?
- Oh, I'll never tell.
198
00:11:56,772 --> 00:11:59,400
A good newsman always protects
his sources.
199
00:11:59,575 --> 00:12:01,633
Right, sweetheart?
200
00:12:06,848 --> 00:12:08,213
It was completely inadvertent.
201
00:12:08,383 --> 00:12:12,149
I had no idea I'd come across this file
when I was trying to track down... I mean...
202
00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:14,880
- Some other...
- Where's the file now?
203
00:12:18,792 --> 00:12:22,592
Harry, you have to believe me
that I had no idea I'd find this.
204
00:12:22,763 --> 00:12:25,823
- Well, what else you got in there?
- Nothing!
205
00:12:27,701 --> 00:12:30,169
I mean, nothing I'd wanna go public with.
206
00:12:30,671 --> 00:12:33,935
Okay, what was it, judge?
What did they put you away for?
207
00:12:34,107 --> 00:12:35,972
Nothing I wanna go public with.
208
00:12:36,142 --> 00:12:39,339
One way or another, I'm gonna find out
what you did and print it.
209
00:12:39,512 --> 00:12:42,538
Now, I might go a little easy on you
if you cooperate.
210
00:12:43,149 --> 00:12:47,107
- Let me put it this way: Get out.
- Okay, I'll start with "no comment."
211
00:12:47,286 --> 00:12:52,246
I mean, it sounds dry,
but it's very incriminating, and...
212
00:12:57,996 --> 00:13:02,092
Harry, I had no idea how damaging...
213
00:13:03,701 --> 00:13:06,169
- I feel awful.
- Lana, forget it.
214
00:13:06,337 --> 00:13:09,306
- It was bound to come out sooner or later.
- No, not forget it.
215
00:13:09,473 --> 00:13:11,236
This is terrible!
216
00:13:11,409 --> 00:13:13,809
- Lana, please!
- Really. And it's all my fault.
217
00:13:13,978 --> 00:13:16,412
You know, I could just kill myself.
I really could.
218
00:13:16,580 --> 00:13:18,809
I could just rip out my tongue
with my own hands.
219
00:13:18,982 --> 00:13:21,177
I could just slit my own throat.
I could just...
220
00:13:21,351 --> 00:13:24,115
Lana, can we have an end
to the bloodshed, please?
221
00:13:24,287 --> 00:13:26,949
Look, so Craven prints it.
222
00:13:27,123 --> 00:13:29,353
Now, what's the worst that can happen?
223
00:13:30,327 --> 00:13:32,989
Well, I'd be publicly disgraced...
224
00:13:33,163 --> 00:13:38,099
...making it impossible for me to continue
to function effectively as a judge.
225
00:13:38,267 --> 00:13:40,394
I'd have to step down.
226
00:13:40,569 --> 00:13:42,434
Right, but...
227
00:13:43,806 --> 00:13:46,366
...you've still got your health.
228
00:13:49,344 --> 00:13:52,507
I'm sorry. I've never tried
to cheer up anybody before.
229
00:13:59,687 --> 00:14:01,518
- All rise.
- Don't bother getting up.
230
00:14:01,689 --> 00:14:03,714
We're not starting yet.
231
00:14:04,858 --> 00:14:07,486
As some of you already know...
232
00:14:07,661 --> 00:14:10,562
...I was once in jail.
- Harry, don't do this.
233
00:14:10,731 --> 00:14:14,189
I mention that only because
it seems germane to this case.
234
00:14:14,368 --> 00:14:18,464
However Miss Guyer feels about having
posed nude, it's done.
235
00:14:18,638 --> 00:14:21,401
It's a fact that can't be changed.
236
00:14:21,574 --> 00:14:23,940
And it's the same with what I did.
237
00:14:24,110 --> 00:14:27,443
- What did you do?
- I'm getting to that.
238
00:14:27,613 --> 00:14:30,707
Just a second, judge.
I wanna take a few notes.
239
00:14:30,883 --> 00:14:32,714
Okay, Craven. Get your pen out.
240
00:14:32,885 --> 00:14:34,113
You ready?
241
00:14:34,286 --> 00:14:35,843
I knocked over a liquor store.
242
00:14:36,021 --> 00:14:39,354
- You committed armed robbery?
- No. I knocked over a liquor store.
243
00:14:39,524 --> 00:14:43,551
The front part of it, anyway,
with a '64 Cadillac convertible.
244
00:14:43,728 --> 00:14:47,459
- I owned one of those once.
- Did you? I didn't.
245
00:14:47,766 --> 00:14:50,893
- You mean you stole the car?
- Impulsive, huh?
246
00:14:51,068 --> 00:14:52,399
But I was a teenager then.
247
00:14:52,569 --> 00:14:57,165
All I meant to do was drive around the block
a couple of times and take it back...
248
00:14:57,341 --> 00:14:59,866
...but my foot slipped off
the brake pedal, and...
249
00:15:01,078 --> 00:15:02,807
Correct.
250
00:15:03,947 --> 00:15:07,507
I only spent two nights in jail
and a couple of weeks in the reformatory...
251
00:15:07,683 --> 00:15:10,277
...but it affected me
for the rest of my life.
252
00:15:10,820 --> 00:15:13,220
- Being in jail?
- No.
253
00:15:13,389 --> 00:15:16,847
Being in the path of my father's stare.
254
00:15:18,394 --> 00:15:22,557
Believe me, in 20 minutes,
I spent my time in hell.
255
00:15:23,398 --> 00:15:27,061
It was a courtroom like this,
and he sat right there.
256
00:15:31,973 --> 00:15:34,441
You would have thought
he could have blinked or...
257
00:15:34,609 --> 00:15:37,941
...something. He could have reached out
and slapped me or...
258
00:15:38,112 --> 00:15:41,013
...yelled at me or beat me, but...
259
00:15:41,549 --> 00:15:45,041
...damn it, he just sat there
and looked at me.
260
00:15:46,153 --> 00:15:48,451
And then when it was all over...
261
00:15:48,622 --> 00:15:50,487
...all he said was:
262
00:15:51,158 --> 00:15:54,320
"You disappointed me, Harold."
263
00:16:01,534 --> 00:16:04,128
When a boy loves his father...
264
00:16:05,972 --> 00:16:08,098
...he would rather get...
265
00:16:09,675 --> 00:16:13,634
...knocked across the head
with a two-by-four...
266
00:16:14,379 --> 00:16:17,439
...than hear that kind of stuff.
267
00:16:26,390 --> 00:16:27,982
Well, anyway...
268
00:16:28,159 --> 00:16:31,754
...not too long after that, he just...
269
00:16:31,929 --> 00:16:33,863
...sort of died.
270
00:16:36,801 --> 00:16:39,598
It always kind of bugged me, you know.
271
00:16:39,769 --> 00:16:41,999
That he never found out...
272
00:16:42,172 --> 00:16:44,197
...that...
273
00:16:45,475 --> 00:16:49,172
...I hadn't made a habit
out of stealing cars.
274
00:16:51,348 --> 00:16:53,975
Let the record show
that I convened court...
275
00:16:54,150 --> 00:16:57,051
...I found the defendant, Ronald McKenzie,
guilty as charged...
276
00:16:57,219 --> 00:16:59,187
...asked him to pay restitution...
277
00:16:59,355 --> 00:17:02,654
...and gave him a 10-day
suspended sentence.
278
00:17:03,592 --> 00:17:05,958
And then I called a recess.
279
00:17:14,202 --> 00:17:15,499
Harry?
280
00:17:19,174 --> 00:17:21,108
Harry?
281
00:17:24,478 --> 00:17:26,378
Harry?
282
00:17:27,014 --> 00:17:28,641
Harry.
283
00:17:28,815 --> 00:17:30,442
My God.
284
00:17:31,185 --> 00:17:34,416
- I thought you were...
- What? Resting comfortably?
285
00:17:36,190 --> 00:17:39,318
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine. I just...
286
00:17:39,493 --> 00:17:42,393
...had a little attack
of the past, you know?
287
00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:46,225
Maybe it's just time I learned
that I can't change it.
288
00:17:46,832 --> 00:17:50,268
"Things that are done, it is needless
to speak about.
289
00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:54,165
Things that are past,
it is needless to blame."
290
00:17:54,340 --> 00:17:55,931
Confucius?
291
00:17:56,107 --> 00:17:57,631
Probably.
292
00:17:58,343 --> 00:18:01,779
In any case, it's the longest message
I ever read in a fortune cookie.
293
00:18:05,083 --> 00:18:06,641
It's okay.
294
00:18:08,420 --> 00:18:11,013
- Anybody home?
- This isn't what you were thinking.
295
00:18:11,188 --> 00:18:13,179
I mean, I'm engaged.
296
00:18:14,592 --> 00:18:17,083
No, we just thought you were
comforting a friend.
297
00:18:18,062 --> 00:18:20,724
Then it was. I mean,
what you were thinking.
298
00:18:22,199 --> 00:18:25,032
- Your Honor, are you all right?
- We were worried about you.
299
00:18:25,202 --> 00:18:28,864
I'm fine. Thank you all very much
for being concerned, really.
300
00:18:29,038 --> 00:18:31,836
Knock, knock.
Look what the cat dragged in.
301
00:18:33,876 --> 00:18:36,310
I thought I'd save somebody
the trouble of saying it.
302
00:18:36,479 --> 00:18:38,276
You back for more dirt, Craven?
303
00:18:38,448 --> 00:18:40,143
What, that car stuff? Are you crazy?
304
00:18:40,316 --> 00:18:44,183
"Joyriding Judge"? What the hell is that?
I can't print that.
305
00:18:45,554 --> 00:18:47,283
I mean, that's nothing.
306
00:18:47,456 --> 00:18:50,823
Now, take the piece I did on the deranged
men's room attendant in Queens.
307
00:18:50,993 --> 00:18:52,722
No.
308
00:18:52,894 --> 00:18:54,623
You take it and...
309
00:18:55,964 --> 00:18:58,022
I'm way ahead of you.
310
00:19:16,182 --> 00:19:17,706
Hello.
311
00:19:17,884 --> 00:19:20,785
Oh, look. It's my favorite pair.
312
00:19:24,991 --> 00:19:26,822
What can we do for you kids?
313
00:19:26,993 --> 00:19:30,621
Well, I hate to bother you again,
judge, but...
314
00:19:30,796 --> 00:19:33,424
...could you marry us?
- It's on again, huh?
315
00:19:33,732 --> 00:19:37,031
You made me realize that if you've got
a chance at something, well...
316
00:19:37,202 --> 00:19:39,864
...who knows, it may be your last, right?
317
00:19:40,572 --> 00:19:43,563
Gee, Ronnie, I never heard you talk
that way before.
318
00:19:43,741 --> 00:19:47,108
- It excites me.
- I know how you feel.
319
00:19:51,649 --> 00:19:52,980
So, what do you say, judge?
320
00:19:53,151 --> 00:19:55,278
Sure. Make an appointment
with Miss Wagner...
321
00:19:55,453 --> 00:19:58,421
No, you see, the suit has to be back
in the morning.
322
00:20:00,090 --> 00:20:01,557
You mean?
323
00:20:02,292 --> 00:20:07,252
- Sure! What the heck? Why not?
- Oh, my God. We're having a wedding.
324
00:20:07,431 --> 00:20:10,958
- Now? Surely you don't intend...
- I think all we need is a marriage license.
325
00:20:11,134 --> 00:20:12,499
Here you go, sir.
326
00:20:13,303 --> 00:20:15,702
Dan, Liz, come on over here.
You'll be the witnesses.
327
00:20:15,871 --> 00:20:18,305
That's really a lovely thought,
but I think maybe...
328
00:20:18,474 --> 00:20:21,341
- Here. You stand over here.
- I don't think this is the time.
329
00:20:21,510 --> 00:20:22,738
We're ready now.
330
00:20:22,912 --> 00:20:24,311
Fine.
331
00:20:24,947 --> 00:20:27,677
You stop following me around.
332
00:20:28,584 --> 00:20:30,642
I just wanna get to know you better.
333
00:20:30,819 --> 00:20:34,949
Here's all you need to know.
I'm armed.
334
00:20:35,123 --> 00:20:37,648
- What's doing?
- These two are getting married.
335
00:20:37,826 --> 00:20:40,192
Oh, which is the bride's side?
336
00:20:40,595 --> 00:20:42,586
- Over there.
- Thank you.
337
00:20:42,764 --> 00:20:44,425
- Forgetting something?
- What's this?
338
00:20:44,598 --> 00:20:46,122
The text of the ceremony.
339
00:20:47,434 --> 00:20:49,595
"Dearly beloved..."
340
00:20:51,672 --> 00:20:54,197
Let's just let her rip.
341
00:20:55,008 --> 00:20:56,498
Vickie...
342
00:20:56,677 --> 00:20:59,271
...you really love this little hothead,
don't you?
343
00:20:59,446 --> 00:21:02,312
- I beg your pardon?
- Just answer the question.
344
00:21:02,482 --> 00:21:03,949
- Yes.
- Yeah. I thought so.
345
00:21:04,117 --> 00:21:07,314
And, Ronnie, you feel like she's
the only woman in the world for you?
346
00:21:07,487 --> 00:21:09,079
- I do.
- Really?
347
00:21:09,255 --> 00:21:11,815
- What do you want? Blood?
- Just checking.
348
00:21:11,991 --> 00:21:14,459
Do you promise to try to show her
that you love her...
349
00:21:14,627 --> 00:21:17,220
...and not just flop down
in front of the TV every night?
350
00:21:17,396 --> 00:21:19,125
- Yeah. Whatever you say.
- Okay.
351
00:21:19,297 --> 00:21:21,959
Do you promise not to jump him
with a bunch of problems...
352
00:21:22,134 --> 00:21:23,533
...when he comes in from work?
353
00:21:23,702 --> 00:21:28,002
And do you promise not to make
other plans for him on Super Bowl Sunday?
354
00:21:28,173 --> 00:21:32,040
- What?
- What happened to love, honor and cherish?
355
00:21:32,209 --> 00:21:34,803
Grow up. It's 1984.
356
00:21:36,280 --> 00:21:39,443
We're talking about being sensitive
and considerate...
357
00:21:39,617 --> 00:21:41,244
...to another person's feelings.
358
00:21:41,419 --> 00:21:44,752
And if you promise to do that
to the best of your ability...
359
00:21:44,922 --> 00:21:47,913
...then I don't know how you can help
but be happy.
360
00:21:54,831 --> 00:21:56,230
That's it.
361
00:21:57,333 --> 00:21:59,699
- That's what?
- It's over.
362
00:21:59,869 --> 00:22:02,428
- It is?
- Hey, I just made you listen to that stuff.
363
00:22:02,604 --> 00:22:06,973
Technically, I don't have to say anything and
you're married. From now on, it's up to you.
364
00:22:07,476 --> 00:22:09,501
You may kiss the bride.
365
00:22:16,819 --> 00:22:19,582
And you may hug the judge.
366
00:22:22,089 --> 00:22:24,455
I wish we had some rice
to throw on them.
367
00:22:24,625 --> 00:22:26,422
How about paper clips?
368
00:22:28,296 --> 00:22:30,230
Well, thank you all. Goodbye.
369
00:22:30,398 --> 00:22:33,025
- Good luck. Take care.
- Yeah. Bye. Thank you very much.
370
00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:34,690
Happy honeymoon!
371
00:22:34,868 --> 00:22:36,893
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
372
00:22:37,771 --> 00:22:39,432
I doubt if I could.
373
00:22:42,442 --> 00:22:44,205
Hey, everybody, come on.
374
00:22:44,377 --> 00:22:46,777
All over to my place for the reception.
375
00:22:47,013 --> 00:22:48,240
Where do you live?
376
00:22:48,414 --> 00:22:50,974
Sixth Avenue and 42nd Street.
377
00:22:52,117 --> 00:22:53,345
That's a park.
378
00:22:53,519 --> 00:22:55,885
Dress accordingly.
379
00:22:59,625 --> 00:23:00,819
By the way, folks...
380
00:23:00,993 --> 00:23:04,359
...I don't know why it makes any difference
to anyone. It sure shouldn't.
381
00:23:04,529 --> 00:23:07,191
But for the record, I'm 34 years old.
382
00:23:07,365 --> 00:23:09,458
The pool!
383
00:23:09,634 --> 00:23:13,468
- I had 28.
- Thirty-four...
384
00:23:13,638 --> 00:23:16,835
"HTS." Who's HTS?
385
00:23:21,645 --> 00:23:23,670
Call it a hunch.
31222
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