Original subtitles

Previously on Mom... Do you remember Bonnie Plunkett?

Bonnie.

I'm her daughter.

Oh, my God.

I'm your daughter.

Yeah, yeah, I got that.

So, did Christy tell you about meeting her father?

Yeah, I thought it was great they reconnected.

Wow. Anything to hurt me.

What are you talking about?

Do I need to walk you through it again?

That rat bastard dumped me and Christy the minute she was born.

No, I get it.

You're angry.

"Angry"? I want to cut the son of a bitch

from throat to scrote.

What do you think?

What do I think of what?

Your new car.

You're kidding me.

No, no. I got it at a police auction.

Cleaned it up.

Look at that door.

You can't even see the bullet holes.

Listen, I decided I don't want to have a party.

What are you talking about?

It's a celebration.

It's fun and games and free stuff for the baby.

I don't need it.

Okay.

May I ask why?

I decided to give the baby up for adoption.

I'm kind of liking these people.

Jeff and Suzanne Taylor.

BONNIE: So...

You want to adopt a baby?

Yes, we do.

You're in luck! We have one.

When did gay men start designing maternity clothes?

Did you ever have a reason to wear sequins

while you were pregnant?

Mmm, not after I was too big to pole dance.

I still remember the night I slid down

and couldn't get back up.

Seriously?

I was like a turtle on its back.

How you doing in there, Violet?

I hate my body and I hate this dress.

Oh, come on, it can't be that bad.

Whoa!

Yikes.

That's an interesting place

to put a bow on a pregnant girl.

Oh, God, there's one on her ass, too.

Who am I kidding?

I can't go to prom.

Oh, honey, you got to go.

It's such a big night.

I look ridiculous.

Not all of you.

Just the middle.

I don't care. I'm not going.

All right, well, it's your call.

You can just stay home with Grandma and me.

That would be fun. We can hang out, get a pizza.

Maybe play a board game?

Give each other pedicures?

Turn off the lights and tell ghost stories.

We traced the call.

It's coming from inside the house!

(both gasp)

Screw it. There's got

to be a dress around here somewhere.

Actually sounds like a fun night.

I know.

What happened to us?

(sighs)

What a treat.

Having a cup of coffee with my mom and my dad.

Blech!

Can't you just fake it?

She knows how.

And whose fault is that?

Play nice.

And ew.

So...

how are things going with you and Loraine?

Not good.

She filed for divorce.

Really?

There's not a chance you could work things out?

I went back to the house last Saturday to see

if we could reconcile and...

a man I don't know answered the door

in my pajamas.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

Mom!

Stop smiling.

Oh, let me have this.

Anyway, turns out they were high school sweethearts.

Found each other online.

Tweeted their way back into each other's pants.

Wow.

That has got to be so painful.

Mom! The smile?

I didn't even realize it.

The good news is with the boys grown up and gone,

I have no reason to be in Chico,

so I can spend more time with you and the kids.

Not smiling now, are you?

Hey. Hey!

Your mom tells me you got a prom coming up.

Mm-hmm.

That sounds like fun.

Yeah.

What's the theme?

"Broken condoms, broken dreams."

Ah, okay.

Well, you got a shot at being the queen.

Ha!

Hang on.

When my sons went to prom, I rented them limos.

How about I do the same for you and your fella?

Really? Yeah, you got to do prom right.

Wow. Thank you.

You're welcome.

I'll go call my fella.

I got a hug.

The iceberg is melting.

You sicken me.

What did I do? Don't be coy.

You're using money to buy her affection.

And it's working.

Why don't you try earning her love

by being there, like I have?

You're kidding, right?

You only beat him by, like, nine months.

Pick a side.

You got to pick a side.

Bonnie, I'm just trying to do

a nice thing for my granddaughter.

Well, quit it. You don't get to drop

into our lives after all these years and make people happy.

Are you listening to yourself?

She never listens to herself.

What's wrong with me throwing a little money around

to help out here?

Nothing at all.

FYI: Sears is having a sale on dishwashers.

Anything to make your life better, baby.

You're an evil runt.

Alvin, stop smiling.

Smile.

Here you go.

It's blank. Yeah, give it a minute.

(gasps)

It's like magic.

Told ya.

Is it a phone, too?

Yeah, give it a try.

(knocking on door)

Call Dad.

Yolo.

Wow. Right?

And check out the limo Violet's grandpa got us.

Uh-huh. The guy's got class.

The guy's got syphilis.

Mom...

you can call him names,

but you can't make stuff up.

Come on in, I'll get your date.

I said, "Call Dad."

No idea.

Violet, Luke's here.

VIOLET: I'm not going!

Very funny. Come on, he's waiting.

And he rented a tux.

Tell him to go without me.

Do you want me to talk to her?

No, I'm her mother.

I got this.

Open the damn door, Violet!

No!

Hey, I'll handle this.

Violet, it's me, Luke.

I brought you flowers and the limo has Diet Snapple.

Go away!

Tapping out.

Is something wrong with the dress?

Something's wrong with my life!

There's something wrong with all of our lives, honey.

But we still go to parties we bought expensive dresses for.

Leave me alone!

Let me try.

Violet, it's Grandma.

I-I just want you to know that whatever you decide,

I will be here for you with the one thing

your grandfather's money can't buy.

Love.

You think that helped?

It helped me.

(knocking on window)

Guess who?

What is wrong with you?

You really should lock this.

There could be weirdos wandering around out here.

There are weirdos wandering around out there.

What do you want?

All right, listen--

I know you're feeling self-conscious

about the way you look, and you're afraid your friends

are gonna make fun of you, but so what?

You've carried yourself with dignity and grace

the whole school year.

And there's no reason you should stop now.

Mom, that's not why... No!

You need to get dressed, get in the limo with Luke,

and go to that prom with your head held high.

Mom, I can't... You are a great girl!

And there's nothing to be ashamed of.

I can't go to prom

'cause I can't stop farting.

Oh.

(sniffs)

That's what that is.

All right, well, we can fix this.

How we doing in here?

We need perfume and Gas-X, stat.

I'm on it. There.

Is anything else bothering you?

I guess not.

Violet...

I just feel like I don't have a lot to celebrate.

Are you kidding?

You so do!

You are gonna graduate high school,

which is not normally something to brag about.

But in this family, hurray!

And then you're gonna go to college.

And after that have a big, wonderful life.

But I'm giving up my baby to do it.

Yeah.

You are.

But let's not forget

that the Taylors are a great couple.

And that child's gonna have a big, wonderful life, too.

I guess.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

What are you smiling about?

Wait for it.

Oh, God!

♪ Adore

♪ You

♪ I adore

♪ You...

I'm really glad you decided to come.

Me, too.

I think you're the prettiest girl here.

Really?

Really.

And I checked all the other girls out.

(laughs)

It's so cool of you to stick with me through all this.

Why wouldn't I?

Are you kidding?

Most guys would've bailed.

Well, I'm not most guys.

No, you're not.

I love you.

I love you, too.

♪ I adore...

Oh!

Uh-oh!

If you're gonna fart, I can dance us

over to the cheese platter.

No, Luke, I think I'm having the baby.

Now? I think so.

Okay, remain calm.

Let's get you to the hospital.

Okay, hurry!

Excuse me! Excuse me!

Please try not to make a scene.

Don't worry, I got this.

Excuse me!

(screams)

(hip-hop music playing)

(screams)

(all screaming)

I'm so glad she decided to go.

Mmm.

You know what the best part is?

You're the only mom who's not worried

about her daughter getting knocked up on prom night.

Yeah, I get to worry about her having a nervous breakdown

after she gives the baby up for adoption.

Ah, she's young, she's resilient.

And if she gets depressed,

she can turn to drugs and alcohol.

You're right, I feel better.

How about we take her

on a little vacation after it's over?

Sure.

You could probably get Daddy Douche-bucks to pay for it.

That's mean.

And I'm way ahead of you.

(cell phone rings)

Hey, Baxter.

No, Roscoe's not allowed to watch R-rated movies.

I don't care if it's just boobs!

I don't care if you already paid for it!

No, I'm not gonna reimburse you!

Yes, you get credit for calling.

See you tomorrow.

(scoffs)

Is the boob thing new?

(cell phone rings)

Now what?

Hello?

Luke?

Slow down!

Okay, okay, uh, stay calm.

We'll meet you there.

Is this it?

This is it.

You get her overnight bag.

And we'll take my car.

(whoops)

Oh, need to call the Taylors!

All right. Where are my keys?

Where are my keys? Let's hit it.

I can't find my damn keys!

You know if you used the hook I put up...

I don't care about your frickin' hook!

Help me find my keys!

Forget it, we'll take my car.

See? Keys-- right here on the hook.

Fine, you win. The hook was a good idea!

You're 52 years old and you've had one good idea!

I am not 52 yet!

Oh, crap!

You're blocking me in.

Well, I told you not to park in the driveway.

Why would I park on the street? 'Cause you don't pay rent.

When you lived with me, you didn't pay rent.

I was a child!

And you still tried to collect.

Come on, we'll put it in neutral and push it out.

We can't. It's locked.

Why would you lock it?

Because I want to keep it.

Okay, okay, we need to focus.

How about we drive through the fence,

across the neighbor's yard

and out onto Sycamore Street?

That's great except for

the pool in the neighbor's yard.

They have a pool? Why don't we use it?

Because it's not our pool!

I'm not talking when they're home!

Oh, God, uh...

Maybe we should just call a cab. No, that'll take too long.

What are you doing? I'm gonna break your window.

And we'll push it out.

But Alvin just got me that car!

I know.

Wait, wait, wait!

What? Found my keys.

(alarm chirps)

Hi, uh, we're looking

for my daughter Violet Plunkett.

She's having a baby.

Hang on.

No one under that name is registered.

Really?

Is there a married name? I wish.

Do you think we beat them?

How?

Luke? Yeah, we're here.

Where are you?

No, you're not here.

Because we're standing at the reception

at Highland Central and you're not here.

What are you doing at Midland Memorial?

He's at Midland? The plan was for Highland.

Shh! The plan was for Highland!

Oh, it was closer to the prom.

Good thinking.

Okay, good thinking for the limo driver.

Sit tight. We're on our way.

Oh! Ooh!

Did she have the baby?

Not yet. They're at Midland.

I thought the plan was for Highland.

Midland was closer to the prom.

They went to the prom?

She looked beautiful, see?

Oh!

You have a Polaroid?

Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go!

Come on!

Excuse me, excuse me!

Violet Plunkett, my daughter, having a baby.

Hold on. No, I'm not holding on!

Where is she?

This man was here before you.

Well, I am sorry, but I have let

And I am not gonna let it happen again.

She really has been negligent.

Right!

Now she really needs her mother.

Where the hell is she?

I'm right here.

False alarm.

Oh.

Please tell me that's a sandwich.

It's my thumb.

Ah.

Why don't you see him next?

Good luck.

Funny thing.

Not the first time your mom's taken a bat to a car window.

You're kidding.

No, the only difference is I wasn't in the driver's seat.

He pissed me off.

I'll send my guy over, we can fix it

right here in the driveway.

Is it gonna be expensive?

Don't worry, I'll take care of it.

Oh, thanks.

You're the best.

Oh, is that how it works?

He throws a few bucks around and suddenly he's the best?

That's not how I raised you.

Oh, it totally is.

Bonnie, don't make a big deal out of this.

Yeah, no one's talking to you.

You want to write the check? You write the check.

No, that's your thing.

I love from here.

You love from here.

Hey, I got an idea. How about you kiss right

here?

I don't think I can stoop that low.

Guys, guys, come on.

I'm just trying to make things right.

Well, you can't make deserting us right.

Never. Okay, that's enough.

I didn't desert "us." I deserted you.

She ever tell you some of the crap she pulled?

Leave her out of it. Why?

Everything I did wrong is fair game.

One time your mommy, who loves from here,

sold my motorcycle behind my back

to cover a drug deal that went bad.

What choice did I have?

Chewie threatened to kill me!

Because you stole his cocaine!

Well, I was trying to make a better life for us!

Oh, much better.

I woke up with a gun in my mouth!

Have you ever pleaded for your life with a gun in your mouth?

This is what comes out.

(muffled): Please don't shoot me!

Please don't shoot me!

That's not how it went down!

How would you know?

You took a handful of Quaaludes

and went swimming in the neighbor's pool!

Not while they were home.

I'm not saying I didn't make

my share of mistakes,

but I was never stupid enough...

(grunts)

Ooh. Are you okay?

No, something's wrong. (grunts)

Call 911.

Don't you die, you son of a bitch.

We're not done with this.

Hey, uh,

my ex is having a heart attack,

or my prayers are being answered.

All depends how quick you get here.

(weakly): Christy, come here.

(whispering)

What's he saying?

I'd rather not repeat it.

How come you never mentioned the drug deal that went bad?

Same reason I never mentioned

shooting off his pinky toe.

It reflects poorly on me.

Oh, my God. You shot him?

It was an accident.

I was trying to make him dance

like in one of those Old Westerns.

You two are unbelievable.

I'm surprised you were able to stop fighting

long enough to conceive me.

We didn't.

How does that work?

How do you think? It hurts a little.

Alvin Biletnikoff?

That's us.

Uh, relatives?

I'm his daughter.

I'm undecided.

Okay.

Well, it was a minor heart attack.

He's out of danger, but one of his arteries

is 70% blocked, so we're putting in a stent.

So, he'll be okay?

I should think so. You'll probably be able

to take him home tomorrow.

Oh, thank God. That's great news.

For you.

And he's going to need to take it easy

for a couple of weeks--

is there somebody available to provide care?

What are you looking at me for?

I've got a full-time job

and I'm gonna have to deal with Violet.

You cannot ask me to take care of that man.

I am not asking you. I am telling you.

No. I am not doing it!

No, no, no!

No!

Oh, my God.

She still loves him.

You have no idea how funny this is.

(laughing)