Original subtitles

I'm Duke Jarrett and I'd like to introduce you

to the wonderful world of cryogenics.

What is cryogenics? Well, I'm glad you asked.

Because it's probably the most important discovery

of our lifetime.

Tell me, do you think much about death?

'Eat shit.'

Hi, my name's Duke Jarrett and I'd like to introduce you

to the wonderful world of cryogenics.

What is cryogenics? Well, I'm glad you asked.

Because it's probably the most important discovery

of our lifetime.

Tell me, do you think much about death?

'Well, I can see you've decided to pass.'

'See, also with the technology of cryogenics'

you can guarantee yourself a freezer for the future.

Yes, you and your meatloaf can live on into the 21st century.

No English.

Ah, this-this is a very simple contract.

- Ah, you know something-- - 'Maria doesn't speak English.'

But I do.

Ah, I'm Duke Jarrett

and, eh, do you ever think much about sex?

Ah, um, death?

Maria.

- Si. - What did you just tell her?

Turn down the bed.

'Today with overcrowding inmate unrest and rampant violence'

we are faced with a troubled prison system.

I'm Linda Libel.

We are here at John Dillinger Memorial Penitentiary.

Known to prisoners as the pit.

To talk with Warden B.J. Fallis.

We've come to find out for ourselves

just what conditions prevail in this facility.

What about the accusation that this facility

is behind the times, antiquated in terms

of convict rehabilitation?

Behind the times?

Let me point out to you, Ms. Libel

'that John Dillinger Memorial'

is the first prison in this country with P.T.V.

Our own closed circuit television station.

Operated by the inmates.

And we're rather proud of the exceptional education shots

produced by the men.

'Hi, boys and girls, I'm Herpes, the love book.'

Howdy, Herpes.

Well, look, it's our old friend

General Herpes coming back once again.

What are the symptoms of Herpes?

- Well, could be a cold sore. - Really?

Or a sore in your pecker. Ha-ha-ha.

Can you get Herpes from eating off toilet seats?

- 'No.' - 'Then how do you get Herpes?'

'Like this.'

Oh, we also have our own literary club.

'Showing this tomorrow, the part two'

'of our 97 part series, maximum security prisons.'

Social retribution for the criminal elements

or a fun place to spend the summer.

'And stay tuned for Scooby Doo, coming up next.'

Will you shut that thing off?

But Scooby Doo.

I said, off.

Got to do something about the prison.

Fallis is making us both look like a couple of fools.

Just, uh, what do you propose we do, governor?

Get rid of the bastard.

'We'll send in an inspection committee'

that will find the prison, a mockery of penal reform.

'I don't know, sounds like a lot of work, I mean..'

'...forms to fill out, things to sign.'

Besides, who'd we get to replace him?

Well, what about Mitchell?

- You're brother-in-law? - What's wrong with that?

Nothing. Good choice.

Hodgkins, mark my words.

Hodgkins, this is a decision we will never regret.

Especially...in election year.

Have to be going.

Oh, did I tell you that one of those degenerates

acknowledged with my wife.

Who hasn't?

I feel terrible. This has never happened to me before.

Huh, it's just as well. My husband gets home at four.

Husband?

Find out who belongs to that piece of shit

and get rid of it.

Oh, my God. We're in big trouble.

Denise, honey, I'm home.

Ha, I've enjoyed this a lot.

Really, it's just been a lot of fun, thank you.

Denise? Denise, honey, I'm home.

- Who the hell are you? - Oh, hello.

What the hell is going on here.

Rape.

Oh-ah!

You wrecked my gazebo.

Get that son of a bitch. Get him.

'Get that son of a bitch.'

Oh!

Get him! Get him!

Sit, sit, sit.

Duke Jarrett.

Shaker.

Shaker?

Duke?

'Let him up.'

During the past five years

13 staff members and 293 inmates

have died in the state run institutions.

Could the same riots that happened at Attica

Memphis and Jacksonville, happen here?

Never.

'Lost and found announcement.'

'Will the inmate who found Guard Gatley's M-16 rifle'

'please return it immediately.'

'There will be no questions asked.'

'Will the same inmate, please return Guard Gatley'

Animal's mother's dead. Hmm.

Animal's mother is dead. Pass it on.

Animal's mother is dead. Pass it on.

Animal's mother is dead. Pass it on.

Maa? Not maa.

Not maa.

I'm on top of the world, maa.

Top of the world.

Wait a minute.

I'm an orphan.

I don't have a maa.

Hey, you're right, I made a mistake.

You're brother's dead.

I hate my brother!

What we have here, is a failure to community.

Think we have enough to pull this place down.

Ah!

Excuse me.

Yeah, I think we got enough.

'The inspection committee is on it's way to the main..'

'Try to look like prisoners.'

Hey, I'm Big Mac.

I think, this will go with your eyes.

It's lovely.

Tell me, is there a Mrs. Big Mac?

I saw you in the library this afternoon.

And I said to myself.

There is an intelligent woman I can sit down

have a meaningful conversation with on penal reform.

Really know how to drive a girl crazy.

Oh!

Look, fellas, the governor and I formed this committee

to investigate some very serious accusations.

This facility better be in ship shape or it's your ass.

Henderson, your life insurance man called, he said, forget it.

Ah!

Oh, little I've seen, this place is a zoo.

Please.

Look at this. Look at this.

Even a lowest felon deserves to live

in better conditions than this.

But these are my quarters.

Ah!

I can explain.

Yes, we can explain in the unemployment line.

Holy shit!

'Attention, the parole board is reviewing'

'inmates on P.T.V. channel three.'

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

You've been a beautiful audience.

Nobody is leaving the building.

Thank you.

The parole board will notify you of our decision.

Prisoners halt.

Prisoners, report.

Line one ready, sir.

Line two ready, sir.

Line three ready, sir.

Who is that man?

Billy Cox, sir.

He's drunk. Get rid of him, fast.

Take Cox out.

Ah!

Isn't that the guy who starred in Deep Sheep?

Where's Big Mac when I need him?

Out, meat.

Take it easy.

Careful, careful, you don't wanna wreck the cargo.

'All new inmates report immediately'

'to be greeted by Guard Prescott.'

Uh.

O-oh!

I'm awfully sorry.

My father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name.

Aren't you being a little harsh. Wait a minute. Just a second.

Look I got a little gas, okay?

I got some bad chilly.

Look, wait, what's that smell?

- You're gonna be dead meat. - What's that burning smell?

Wait a minute.

No, please. No-no-no.

'This is great well done.'

This is my first day here, this is madness. I love this.

What?

'Father O'Brien is holding a tea social for Warden Fallis'

'in the library.'

'Remember, bring your rubber.'

'Come on, baby. Come on, here now.'

How's the tea?

Looks like a tournament here, boss.

Keep it up.

Where's my money, man? Come on.

Come on now, place your bet. Come on. Come on.

Hi.

Hi, you live around here?

Yeah, just a couple of cells down and to the right.

Can I buy you a drink?

I'll take up a stash on a margarita, little extra salt.

Martini, dry.

Hmm, coming right up.

Maybe, some chill pepper.

Ah, hi.

Want a good bite?

You guys like to go pick out some fries or something?

I love what you've done with your hair.

Look like a couple of new fish.

What do you say we initiate these fish, huh?

All you gotta do is bob for apples.

Oh, that's no problem.

In the piranha tank.

'Animal, show 'em how it's done.'

Either you're a geek or a pussy.

Meow.

Animal, the eggs.

Come on then, champ, let's get in there.

- Don't provoke him. - That's right.

'Well, those expecting a visit from a criminal lawyer'

'please come to the visiting area, immediately.'

'Those expecting honest lawyers, can also come.'

Ah, thanks.

This is a classic case of a miscarriage of justice.

Great.

Never seen anything like this in all my months as an attorney.

I tell you it's an open and shut case.

Great.

We're gonna have you out of here in no time, Mr. Henderson.

Hey, wait, I-I'm not Henderson. My-my name is Jarrett.

- Duke Jarrett. - Jarrett?

Oh, Jarrett. You're in deep shit.

Hi, I'm your, I'm your new roommate.

Remember me? Duke Jarrett?

'Will the owner of a black and grey, Smith and Wesson'

'automatic, serial number, 3456756, please pick it up'

'at the warden's office.'

You're on my bunk.

You're on my floor.

You're on my ceiling.

And you're on my ass.

What did you say?

Oh, stop right there, mister.

'The next step you take, maybe your last.'

Hey, hey, I know who that was, yeah, that was great!

Victor McLaglen.

- Yeah. Great. - Ha-ha-ha.

What else do you do?

I'll tell you, you know, you gotta lighten up.

I'll tell you it's tough.

You're nervous in prison.

I'll tell you, but you gotta take it easy, lighten up, relax.

Hey, listen, I think I can use you on P.T.V.

- P.T.V? - Prison cable television.

Their own cable station, yeah.

Oh, great, great.

'But not on my bunk.'

'I tell you, sir, I am appalled.'

How could they do this to you?

Everyone's entitled to a few mistakes.

I don't understand it.

My parents always said, I was born to be a warden.

Well, I am disappointed.

You are the best thing that ever happened to this prison.

And I'm not going to forget it.

Let me just assure you, sir, I am behind you 100 percent.

Thank you, Prescott.

Sir.

Frankly, sir, you are the best thing that ever happened

to this prison.

And I want to assure you, I am behind you 100 percent.

'Hey, I need some air.'

Air? You want some air?

Here's some air.

'Thank you.'

'Now, men, let's have a warm prison welcome for your'

new warden, a man who has promised to eliminate

the overcrowding on death row.

You're friend and mine, Mitchell Warden Morgan.

Morgan Warden Mitchell.

Mitchell Meagan Morgan.

- Meagan Morgan-- - Meagan just.

- Morgan David? - Morgan Mingo Mayo.

Call me Mongo!

'Troops, I'm the new headman around here.'

And I run a tight ship.

You step out of line, I'll chew you up and swallow you.

You talk back to me, I'll chew you up.

'And I'll swallow you.'

I wanna go home now.

'I'm not like your former warden.'

While I'm in charge here, there'll be no milk

and cookies at bed time.

'No TV.'

No drugs.

No dru-no drugs?

Sick.

'Our new psychologist, Dr. Walker has just arrived.'

'Any inmates, requiring counseling'

'report to her office.'

Hey.

Can you keep your mouth shut?

Sure.

I'm planning to bust out of here so I can screw up my parole.

I don't get it.

Well, I'm 51 years old, and a convict.

How far do you think I can get in the real world?

'Here, I got a place to sleep.'

'Three squares a day.'

And I run the joint.

Everything I want right here, including broads.

Yeah, did you get a load of that new psychologist?

Walker? You think, you're gonna bang her?

Listen, pal, beneath that cold heart exterior

lies a cold heart interior.

Hey, look, I'm a salesman.

There's one thing I can sell, it's me.

You're gonna back that up?

It would be an honor to take your money.

How about a hundred bucks?

Make it two.

You got it.

Get serious, Jarrett.

I'd love to, but we hardly know each other.

I see that there's no need for further conversation here.

Oh, what about tonight?

Tonight?

Yeah, the guys are having a party.

I thought, maybe, you'd be my date.

May I remind you, Mr. Jarrett, that this is a prison.

Not a single's club.

You're here to serve a sentence

that I quite honestly believe you deserve.

Does this mean our date is off?

Goodbye, Mr. Jarrett.

Oh-oh.

Ha-ha.

Big Mac.

Big Mac, I've heard a lot about you.

I want you to know something, Big Mac.

This prison is not big enough for the both of us.

You planning to enlarge the facilities?

There are two ways of doing things in this prison.

My way and my way.

Take your pick.

How about your way, sir?

Good choice.

Shut the fuck up.

Which one of those bastards raped my sister?

Duke Jarrett.

The one with the albino gorilla over there.

I'm gonna nail his ass, like good.

Be careful, sir.

He has the prisoners on his side.

Mm-hm.

We'll see about that.

That guy's starting to piss me off.

Yeah, what does he think this place is?

A prison?

Men, good work.

Good work.

But because one of you has still not pulled his own weight.

we're all gonna stay a few extra hours

'and help him catch up.'

You know, Big Mac.

I like being with you.

I like being with you too, Bruno.

I like to be your friend, Big Mac.

You are my friend, Bruno.

I like the way your eyes shine, when you're mad.

And how your head glistens after it's being washed.

Hey, you got nice eyes too, Bruno.

I like the way your ding-dong, waves in the shower.

You've been looking at my dong in the shower, Bruno?

I sneak to look.

You've been in here too long.

You shouldn't look at guys dongs in the shower.

- You got the nicest. - I don't care.

I mean, you shouldn't be comparing dong's in the shower.

It's not healthy.

What do you mean the nicest?

The Nicest.

You really think so?

Men, this isn't fair.

It is not fair to punish all of you just because of one man.

But I'm going to, anyway.

'Cause of Jarrett, you will stay here until you finish this road.

Goodnight, gentlemen.

I'll be in my quarters, call me.

Straighten up. And enjoy yourself.

He wants the road that badly..

...we'll give him a road, he'll never forget.

'Linda, you're on.'

These criminals have built a road instead of raping

mutilating and robbing innocent victims.

Is this the road to rehabilitation?

Or is this simply another road

down which the taxpayers are being taken for a ride.

I'm Linda Libel.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

This society is sick and tired of mollycoddle it's criminals

and punishing it's citizens.

Here at the John Dillinger Memorial Prison

we punish it's criminals.

That is why I'm so proud to be standing here today.

To dedicate Morgan Drive.

It is a shining example of what is possible through team work.

And the co-operation between warden, guards and inmates.

And now, Warden Morgan

the governor and his lovely wife, Denise

will participate in the ceremony of first drive.

- Bye. - Bye.

Coming home now, mama.

Shit.

Well, what do you think of Morgan Drive, so far?

'Hey, screw, come on man.'

'Can you scratch my back here, will you?'

Believe this guy's censored my mail.

Listen to this, "Dear Duke, How are you?

"I miss you and dream of you.

"I dream of your arms around me and your blank in my blank.

"I miss the way you blank my blank

and the way you make me blank and blank till I blank."

He took out the good parts.

He cut out the good parts of my mail too.

I guess, mine must all have been good parts.

Warden, here is your pension report.

Last month's accounts payable records.

And the proposed budget figures for the prison.

There are sharpened pencils

and plenty of notepads on your desk.

Guard Prescott is waiting for you in your office.

Ms. Catlett, I presume.

I admire your efficiency.

I brought you a little something.

And thought, perhaps, sometime we might have dinner together.

Pearson nylon silk?

How dare you?

What kind of a woman do you think I am?

Do you know, there's a law against sexual harassment?

How would you like to meet the labor board?

Terribly sorry. No offence.

Forgive me.

Carry on.

'Oh!'

Bad news for Parker's, sir.

The governor has turned down his stay of execution.

Alrighty.

Let me tell him.

Oh, yes, and sir

you know that policy of giving pets to the cons.

Well, we gave Animal a cat.

And he ate it.

Well, give him an iguana.

Is there something you need, sir?

No.

Well, if you'll excuse me I have some work to do.

'Oh, baby, hmm.'

Yes, this is very important. Now, pay attention to this.

I want you to stop whipping as a punishment, immediately.

Why, sir?

Why? Why?

They like it, they're lining up for it.

'Yes.'

Something wrong, Ms. Catlett?

Typho.

Typho.

Oh-oh!

Didn't any one ever tell you to knock

before you go in someone's office?

This is my office.

Ah, yes, since how long have you been suffering

from these delusions?

Look, I know what you're trying to do, Jarrett.

And it just won't work.

Ah, paranoia.

Look, I resent you wasting my time

when there are men out there who really need my help.

So, Dr. Jarrett, I advise you to get out

before I call the guards.

Guards?

I have no guards scheduled until four.

Get out!

Right.

You're going to take that attitude, then I'm leaving.

Please, Dr. Walker. Where is she?

Oh, my goodness. listen, I need..

Oh, there you are.

I'm here with the whole layout for the draperies.

Look at this, it's marvelous.

Isn't that beautiful?

- Jarrett, get out. - You can't have this.

Look, this deer here, it's defecating.

It's poo-poo, it's moose.

I don't need it. And the lamps--

- I like it, Jarrett, get out. - I'm liking.

Thank you.

So, how you doing Norris?

I think, she's starting to fully appreciate

the more sensitive aspects of my personality.

You haven't scored yet, huh?

Why don't you relax?

Admit you are over your head and pay up.

The bet's not over yet.

Duke, please can we just go inside and talk about this?

I don't wanna talk, I wanna jump.

Is there someone I can call?

A relative? A girlfriend?

I don't have a girlfriend.

What about your father?

He doesn't have one either.

Duke, things aren't as bad as they seem.

Yeah? How would you know?

You don't have to spend your life behind bars.

You're not desperately lonely.

Everyone's lonely, Duke.

If you just take my hand we'll go inside and talk about it.

Really? When?

Tonight? In your office?

Alone?

Oh, well, I'm not so sure about that.

Never mind.

Yes, okay, absolutely alright, fine. If that will help.

Good.

10 o'clock?

Alright, fine.

Deal?

Yes, Duke. It's a deal.

Good, 'cause I got some campaign strawberry whipped cream--

What? Wait a minute!

'Master piece theatre will not be seen tonight'

'instead we have a re-run of our favorite game show.'

Here we go. A 100 prisoner survey.

The best way to stop hiccups.

Shaker.

Ah, oral sex.

Oral sex, survey says.

Here we go, another way to stop hiccups.

Stick a stiletto in his guts.

Photos of the good old days, huh?

No kidding.

You know, this Mongo guy is really getting on my nerves.

Well, why don't we do something about it?

Like what?

- We got cameras, don't we? - So?

That's to use them.

No.

'Oh, is there something else, Prescott?'

Ah, there's a prisoners wife here to see you, sir.

Yup, send her in.

Ah, who is this girl right over there?

Hey, look, we got picture.

Oh, my god.

Well, you just relax and then feel freedom to breathe.

My husband is Alan Trobridge.

He was sent to prison on our honeymoon.

'Excuse me.'

When we got married I was a virgin.

So, it was my first..

...sexual experience.

'He hasn't been here long enough to qualify for conjugal visits.'

'Oh, go for it, baby.'

I need a man so badly.

'I really want to be faithful to my husband, but..'

'...I'm going insane.'

'My need for sex is too great.'

'Days aren't so bad.'

'It's the nights.'

They seem so long.

My body quivers for a man's hand on my breast.

Would you excuse me for just a moment, please?

Oh, yes, of course.

Now, where were we?

Do you think my breasts are too big?

See, the problem is, my husband, he likes small breasts.

I was thinking of having an operation.

Do they seem too big to you?

Would you excuse me just for a moment?

There's doctor in Beverly hills

he says he's dying to get his hands on my breasts.

It's not just my breasts that long for a man's tenderness.

It's my thighs, my hips.

My lips.

You son of a bitch.

I get the feeling we may be in trouble.

Oh, shh. Oh, damn it, man. He spotted us.

That Shaker, he's got a gun.

And he says he's gonna use it.

Okay, nobody move.

What are you doing, Shaker? I'm with you man.

I said nobody move.

Father O'Brien, don't just pray there, do something.

Shaker, my son.

This is not the way to solve your problems.

You're a good catholic.

You know that violence is not the way of the lord.

Did you see what that douchebag did?

He tried to kill me.

Shaker, what're you doing?

Me and Rico are busting out of this place, Duke.

I can't stand it anymore.

Today is my mother's birthday and he won't let me call her.

Shaker wait, okay? Just wait.

Warden, if he throws down the gun, will you let him call her?

Alright.

I don't trust that cat, not for one minute.

Shaker, look. Trust me.

We got a deal?

Sure, Shaker could trust him.

You got a deal.

Shaker, the gun.

No, let's get out of here, man.

'Throw him in the hole.'

What? Hey, wait a minute.

What did you say?

Hi.

Sorry about our date last night.

I just got kind of tied up.

When I told you to channel your energy in a different direction.

I didn't mean to punch out the warden.

Oh, good, 'cause if I channeled my energy the way

I wanted you'd probably punch me.

I'll try to get out.

I bet you tell that to all the cons?

Maybe, I better come back later.

No, no, no. Look, I'm sorry, alright?

Solitary makes me a little cranky.

You know, I can't figure you out.

What's there to figure? I'm like any other guy.

'No wife, kids, American express gold card.'

How you gonna fit it all in here?

Prescott, I'm going to improve the morale of this prison.

You're planning to leave, sir?

Alright, Prescott , drop, give me 20 big ones.

Not that, idiot. Push-ups.

You know what we're gonna do, Prescott

We're going to have a little contest.

Yes, yes.

Something violent, something competitive.

'A test of wills.'

You mean, lunch in the cafeteria?

I'm not talking about lunch.

I'm talking about boxing.

Feudalism.

The supreme contest between man and criminal.

And we're going to win, Prescott

And you know why we're going to win, Prescott?

Because we're going to cheat.

- Yeah, try this. - It won't work. That's better.

'Earlier this evening at great bodily risk'

'not to mentions missing happy days the second of a two parter'

'where fonzie gets adopted.'

'I exposed a United States Senator behind closed doors.'

Disguised as an Arab.

I visited Senator Hodgkins in a hotel room.

What you're about to see, was taped by a hidden camera.

Hey, that is Senator Hodgkins.

Oh, I didn't know that senator had his own show.

I will never compromise my integrity.

Nor let down the people who elected me to this high office.

Not for $50,000, senator?

That's it.

That's how we're going to get rid of Mongo.

- You mean, bribe the senator? - No, asshole.

- Through television. - We tried that once.

Got us thirty days on the rock pile.

That's the trouble with you guys, you don't think big.

I'm not talking about prison cable.

I'm talking about prime time TV.

I know the electrical part is easy.

But how do you find a satellite dish in a prison?

Would you like some Chinese food?

No, Bruno.

Bingo.

Duke, where have you been?

I haven't seen you around lately.

Oh, just out in the Caribbean, working on this tan.

If I'd known you were down here, I'd have visited.

How long you're in for?

- Sixty days. - Sixty days?

'Told you thirty.'

Look a little thin, you've been getting some exercise down here?

Oh, sure, I did a lap around the cell, everyday.

I think you need some physical activity.

I'm gonna get you out of here and get you back in shape.

Because you got a terrific right cross, if I remember.

- I'd like to see it in action. - You want me to deck you again.

Stay, calmed down.

I just want you to fight a guard.

You know, a little friendly competition.

'Between guard and criminal.'

You want me to fight a guard?

Mm-hm.

Thanks, Rico.

Hi, chump.

He makes Animal look like a Chihuahua.

Mac, help.

I am the bear and you are the hare.

'My goodness.'

'For the prisoner who keeps cutting the wires of the P.A.--'

'Come in.'

Hello, Duke.

Hi. How are you?

I was just sort of passing by and..

This is for you.

- What is it? - An ashtray.

- I made it in shop. - I don't smoke.

Read the inscription.

V-D?

That stands for Vicki and Duke.

Lovely.

Uh, look..

It's late at night, I think you better go.

Well, just a second.

I've been, uh, trying to tell you this for awhile now.

But there's something I've got to tell you.

What?

I think, I'm falling in love with you.

Oh, no, don't.

'This isn't the time or place.'

'Oh, come on. Sure, it is.'

'No, it isn't.'

- 'I'll yell "Ray"' - 'That's not funny.'

- 'Duke.' - 'Oh, you don't mean it.'

She means it.

Ms. Catlett, I've made no secret of my admiration for you

strictly on a professional basis, of course.

And to show you my appreciation for what you've done.

I have this inscription embroider and framed for you.

You might wanna hang it over your desk or over your drawer.

If you allow me, I would like very much to read it to you.

May you always be as beautiful as you are right now.

May you always be as admired as you are right now.

May you always be you.

Shove it up your ass.

'I want you to do me a favor.'

It'll help the morale of the prisoners.

Again, I've already done that.

No, this is something special. For me.

I want you to go to bed with Mongo.

A-hh!

'Ladies and Gentlemen.'

'Welcome to tonight's first feudalistic contest'

'between Duke, the Destroyer Jarrett'

'and Bubba, Big Yank Feldstein.'

Ms. Catlett

What are you doing here at this hour?

Oh, just finishing up a few things, warden.

I'm so lucky to have you, Ms. Catlett

You are the only pro around here.

Why don't you call me Nancy?

Oh, well, thank you very much, Nancy.

Nancy, Nancy.

Nancy, Nancy, Nancy.

You know what they say, that it's lonely at the top.

Well, then you should have lots of friends.

Anyway, that's why, I mean, I was..

I've just been thinking..

Thinking..

No, it's crazy.

What? Tell me.

No, no, you'll think I'm silly.

- No, I won't. - Yes, you will.

- Oh, come on now, warden. - No, it's embarrassing.

You're just gonna laugh.

- No, I won't. - Yes, you will.

Tell me for Christ's sakes.

I was wondering, we could have dinner

and then we could go to the fight together.

Well, it is kind of short notice.

But..

...what the hell.

A little to the left.

- A little to the left! - I'm going left.

- Mine. - I'm left.

Put it down.

Alright, come over here.

Switch places.

Ready?

- To the right. - Okay.

- To the right. - I'm going right.

I'm going right.

What's the matter with you?

Oh, God dammit!

Bruno.

A problem, monsieur?

Take this back. It is terrible.

Very well, sir.

The chef will be most upset.

The food used to be so good here.

It's getting so, you can't get a good plate of gruel.

I've got an idea.

Why don't we go to your place?

What about the fight?

Fuck the fight.

It's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

- Hold on. - Here we go.

Who else? Come on, Cookie, what do you want?

$10? I'll give you $10.

'17.25.'

'Who, Victor?'

Talking about bets..

...how you doing with Norris.

Ah, you're right. I didn't score.

Oh, yeah?

Go ahead, take your money.

It's in my pocket.

Duke, you're a good loser.

Guards just closed their bets with 3 to 5 odds.

They're betting on me to win?

No, on which way you'll fall, when you lose.

- Forget it. - Don't forget Bubba's shoes.

Got to bring an extra shorts.

- Why? - I think, I just fudged these.

Is Guard Prescott here?

- Got Bubba's shoes to be sold. - Give them to me.

Kinda, aren't they kinda heavy?

It's a heavyweight fight, ain't it?

It's okay, kid, I got you covered.

This is a 15 round fight. Have a good fight.

And punch the living shit out of each other.

Shake hand and come out fighting.

Just remember, kid, a right and a left..

...then double up on him.

Alright, get in there and box.

I don't box, I kill.

Hit lower.

Big daddy to electric taco.

'Get off that roof, get under this ring'

'and get those magnets working.'

'Our boy's getting murdered. Do you read me?'

I almost got it. Give me a break.

How about a little drinky-winky?

There's mud in your eye.

Ah!

- Help yourself. - Thanks.

Just remember, jab with your right, hook with your left.

Hey, Rico, come here.

They got wonder woman out here.

I'll put it on for you later.

I'm so glad you came..

I got it. Yes!

'You've got a great..'

'No. Just please, make yourself at home.'

'You know, I think it was Alexander the Great that..'

'Well, Nancy, you know, I haven't seen anything'

'this good since, Bonzo does Dallas.'

This is crap. Why don't you change it?

Wait a minute.

Now, to set the mood.

'Basic phrases in Norwegian, part 2.'

'Please, where is the nearest adult theatre?'

Hey, Garcia, come here. You gotta see this.

Fellow, looks like Mongo is going to get laid.

Mongo, you got to be kidding.

Father O'Brian gets laid more than Mongo.

Hey, look.

He's with that Catlett.

He's bound to score.

Well, let's see if your money moves as fast as your mouth.

You're on, my friend, let's go.

Enjoying the fight?

Get back in there, I've got too much riding on you.

Mood's not right.

'Dear has vomited in my bathtub.'

Boy, am I getting sleepy.

Hors d'oeuvre?

Alright, give him some air, give him some air.

Settle down. Alright, clear out, clear out.

Now, Duke, listen, I think I found his weakness.

Every time you hit on the balls he goes down.

- Okay? - Okay.

- What are they smoking, George? - Shh. Shh. Shh.

Mongo is the warden of this prison.

And he deserves every bit of privacy his high office demands.

That's right, Kowinski.

- 'You feeling it yet?' - 'I've never seen one so big.'

Mongo?

All you have to do is, put it in your mouth.

Like this and suck on it?

That's right.

You got it. You got it, you got it.

'I think I swallowed it.'

Swallowed it?

Let's get out of here.

Okay, Duke, you're ahead on points.

Get up.

Man, these shoes are heavy, man.

What do you expect? It's a heavyweight fight.

- I don't feel good. - You look good.

Now, remember who you are. Duke, the Destroyer Jarrett.

Don't let this guy get you like that.

He's cold meat.

I'll give him to you for dinner.

Rico, are you down there?

We're working at it, alright?

- Is that a re-run? - Nah, I don't think so.

Oh, it's never been this good

This is the greatest..

...moment of my life.

Can I do anything?

You could turn off the light.

Okay, you had a little trouble this round.

But you're doing okay. You're doing fine.

I'm through, Mac.

I'm finished. I'm finished.

No, no, no, you're not.

Look at him. You carved him a new face.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

'Of all kinds.'

'Of all kinds. I said of all kinds.'

Of all kinds.

Look, champ, that kid is in trouble.

He's on quit street.

He's in dreamland.

Look, kid, I know you think you're in trouble.

But you're just dreaming.

Shake 'em out ideas out of your head.

And stay cool.

And remember you got to be the boss, you got to pay the cost.

And remember this.

Float like a butterfly, and sting like a bee.

Rumble, young man, rumble.

'A-a-ah!'

We got power.

Okay, you're on, baby.

Go get him.

You can't get it up?

I have this crazy idea.

- No, you wouldn't want to. - What is it?

No, you'll just laugh and think I was silly.

- No. - Yes, you would.

- No. - Yes, you would.

- No, I wouldn't. - Yes, you would.

Tell me..

I hope this guy's on every week.

You've been a bad, bad sheep.

You know what we do to bad, bad sheep?

Don't you?

Not the bicycle pump.

Turn it up.

Duke! Duke!

Keep singing, Ms. Catlett, Keep singing.

I think it's working.

Baa-baa, baa-baa. Baa-baa, baa-baa..

Oh, Ms. Catlett.

- I love you, Ms. Catlett. - Baa-baa, baa-baa.

Wonder...oh, wonderful.

Mongo, you're all washed up as a warden.

You're a disgrace to this prison.

'To your brother-in-law. The governor.'

'The humanity in general.'

There's only one place for an asshole like you

and that's network television.

Now, you got two ways to go.

My way or my way.

Now, what's it gonna be?

- How about your way? - Good choice.

'Hey, Governor, I wanna pardon for Duke.'

- No way. - Look, Governor.

Either Duke get's a pardon and Mongo goes on TV

or the electorate will find out

who's been running this prison.

And that you're the man that appointed him.

Come on, Duke. I don't wanna be on TV.

Relax.

- You're gonna be a star. - You're gonna be a star.

'Live! It's The Mongo Comedy Hour.'

'With action.'

'Adventure.'

'And romance.'

'Here's the star of our show, Mongo! Mongo Mitchell.'

It's going to be fine. you'll do just fine.

'Mongo..'

'So, is this the right time or place?'

- 'What do you think?' - 'I don't know.'

'We'll see.'

- 'Oh.' - 'Very funny.'

Very Funny. Funny.

- Here we go. - What are you doing?

You know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give you a tickle.

Duke, don't, Duke, I'll scream. I mean it.

Now, stop it. I'm ticklish. Cut it out, please.

Rape! I'm gonna yell rape.

I'll yell if you don't stop it. Don't! Don't, please, come on.

'Stop it! Duke, I told you, I'm ticklish.'

- 'Rape!' - 'That's not funny.'

'Don't do that.'

'Freeze!'

'Alright, buddy, what's going on here?'

'Ahem, oh, hello, officer.'

'Uh, honey, could you tell him you were joking?'

- 'Uh, honey..' - 'Ha ha ha!'

Welcome back, sir.

The men and I are behind you one hundred percent.

Yes, Prescott. Did you miss me?

Ah..

...there wasn't a day that went by, sir

that the men didn't wish you were still here.

Warden, you've been just like daddy to me.