All language subtitles for If.Lucy.Fell.1996

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(TWENTYONE PLAYING)

* Another wish
didn't work out

* Another nothing
we can scream about

* All fall down

(ALARM CLOCK BEEPING)

Wake up, please, sir.

It's calendar day.

Mmm, Lucy.

Forget about calendar day.

* All fall down

Wrong answer, Dick.

* She's so tall
with her hands up

(SIGHING)

* I'm so small
whenever she's around

* Someday soon
I'm gonna tell her but

* I'm not twenty-one

* Another dream
didn't work out

* So you found a way
to let it out

* All fall down

What are you doing?

It's calendar day.
Wake up.

What time is it?

She's gone already, Joe.

One more wasted day.

Not true, Devil Girl!

* All fall down

Come on, baby, be there.
Come on, Janey.
Come on, baby.

Please, sweetheart.

She's probably got
some gorgeous man's face

in an unspeakable place.

Oh, Lucy, come on.
Come on.

Yeah, hello.

My girlfriend Jane.

So who...

What's that,
right there?

What's goin' on?

Oh, that's, uh...
That's... That's nothing.

That's... That's just
her brother.

That's her, uh...
That's her...
That's her gay brother.

What's her gay brother
doing to her?

Because I, I don't
have my glasses.
I can't see.

Oh, my god.
Why, that's just... Oh.

I mean,
that should be illegal.

You just can't
have naked men
wandering around.

That's just disgusting.

LUCY: So, Joe,

don't you think
that this, this painting

you've done of Jane here

in the kitchen
is a tad incomplete?

That there might... Joe?

Okay. I, I can't really hear
any assholes talking!

* And if she,
and if she comes again
and scares me

* I'm gonna conjure up
a prayer to be stronger

LUCY: Okay, Dick.

Rise and shine, and leave.

DICK: Come on, Lucy.
It's Saturday. Let's snuggle.

LUCY:
Come on, dick.

Here's $5, all right?

* I'm so small
whenever she's around

Go buy yourself
a nice breakfast.

* She's so tall
with her hands up *

Al.

My best friend!
I love you!

I love you!

Joe! Get the hell
off me.

I'll be right back.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Dick, Richie,
Rich, Ricardo.

DICK: Joe, have you
seen my shoe?

Have I seen your shoe? No.

Come on, Lucy,
man, let's do this.

LUCY: You all dressed?

Uh... Well,
my, my shoe.

Oh, you can
get it next time.

You are too brutal, Lucy.
Give the guy a break.

Bye, Dick.
Have a nice time.

I'll call you.

You know,
you're doin' it again.

What am I doing?

Mushing my head
out the door.

Could you not
mush my head out the door?

I wasn't mushing you.
You were leaving.

I can't take this anymore.

Lucy, I want you
to decide.

After two and a half years
of sleeping with you,

uh, goin' to dinner,

um, uh,

not seein' anyone else,
meeting families,

I think I... I...
I think I may have given you
a ring at one point?

Am I... Are we...
Uh... Do...

Are we boyfriend
and girlfriend, or no?
That's it.

Let me see.

Oh, Lucy.
Not the hug test again.

No, Dick.

What?

No.

Oh. I...

Bye, Lucy.

Goodbye.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Bye, Dick.

LUCY:
Missed a spot.

What is up
with that guy, Lucy?

Dick? You know,
Dick is Dick.
We're friends.

Listen, did you guys
used to, uh...

We used to.

Did you, uh...

Did you go down on him, or...

Sometimes.

Really?

Listen, I was wondering,
do guys like that
better than...

Definitely.

Really?
Absolutely.

You'd take that over that?

Any day of the week.

Huh.

(SIREN WAILING)

Listen,

(SIGHS)

Does he have a, uh,
a big, uh...

Mmm. It's average.

Bigger than me?

Well, I don't know.
I've never...

Yeah, you have.
After I take a shower.

Yeah, but never in its full...

About 10.

Five.

No.

(CHUCKLING)

I said 10.

Five. Guys always double it.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

So if, uh...
If I had said, uh, six...

Three.

Really?

Mmm-hmm, three.

Jesus!

I know, uh...
I know a lot of guys
that say six.

Three.

(SIGHING)

Joe?

Yes?

Remember that death pact
that we made in college?

Excuse me?

The death pact
that we made in college.

No.

That guy, Billy Gash,
had just dumped me,

and that girl
that you were so mad for,

she wouldn't even look at you,
talk to you or anything.

Her name was, um,
Betsy or, uh...

Belinda!

Belinda Slaughter.
I was completely
in love with her.

She wouldn't
even look at me.

I know.

I was devastated.

I know.

All right, Lucy.
What did we say?

That if, uh...
If we didn't have wonderful,
intimate relationships

with serious
familial possibilities
by the time you turned 30,

we would kill ourselves?

Yeah!

(CHUCKLING)

I am so happy to be an adult

and not have to suffer
through painful nights
like that.

Yeah. That was pretty bad.

(CHORTLES)

Can you believe that?
A death pact?

I know.

How old are you now,
anyway, Lucy?

What are you, like...
You're like, what, 26, 27?

Nope. 29.

When's your birthday?
It's like, uh, November 20th?

March 1st.
We have one month to go.

What?

Joe, we are two
disgruntled people,

dissatisfied
with our present lives.

Now, all I'm sayin' is that
we should kill ourselves
to get ourselves going.

Okay, okay, Lucy?
I'm going.

I don't need to die, okay?
I'm already going.

No, you're not going, Joe.
And neither am I.

The world is
a scary place.

It's becoming painfully
clear you're the most
scary thing in it...

Joe, Joe,
listen to me.
Listen.

We can't waste
any more time.

You have to meet somebody
by the time that you're 30

so that you're together
for a few years,

so you know
you have staying power
in the relationship

so you don't mess up
your children with divorce.

That makes you 33
by the time you
have your first kid,

which is the perfect age,

because then you
don't hit menopause until
that child is at college.

Any other plan is a disaster,
and that's why we agreed
on the pact.

Lucy, come on!

All right, we're coming.
Hold on.

You stay there, kids.

Now, we both believe
in God and reincarnation
and all that stuff, right?

Yeah.
Of course. Okay.

So why bother playing out
the rest of a sad life?

Divorce, unhappy children,
unrealized ambitions.

We're going to say,
"If we don't hit it
in 28 days, we just end it."

Let God start fresh with us.

It's selfish of us
to think any other way.

CHILDREN:
Come on, Lucy! Come on!

(YELLING)

Look, I don't want you kids
listening to her any longer.
She's no longer stable.

Shut up, Joe.

Be quiet!

Thank you.
Okay. Who's first?

Mmm, I think...

Eddy.

I like this guy Billy,
but I'm too afraid
to talk to him.

Send him a note
and tell him
exactly how you feel.

20 cents, please.

Oh, okay.
I'll take it
in a second.

Okay. Let's see.
Who might be next?
Sam, please.

I left a tooth under my pillow
and the tooth fairy
only left me a quarter.

Okay. You go to your mother,
and you say,

"Mommy, if this is all
the tooth fairy can afford,

"I think she needs it
more than I do."

15 cents, please.
Thank you.

I can't believe
you take money
from these kids.

They like giving it to me.
It makes them feel
like adults.

All right, kids.
Class time.

(SCREAMING)

You have therapy now?

Yes.

Thank God.

Come on,
you little creeps!
Get in there!

Get in there, you nutty kids!

I have nothing to say.

Don't you think
that this whole process

is about getting
to your feelings
of ambivalence?

Look, what I say
isn't important.
It's what you say.

I'm sure that's
what you think.

But I have
nothing to say.

And I think
we're out of time.

Ooh.

All right.

(SIGHING)

I might have
something to say.

Well, maybe you can
say it next week.

Maybe.

Mmm.

Thanks, Lucy.

You've been a great help.

Uh, Picasso.

Molly.

Hmm.

People with heads
like water balloons

and eyes in the middle
of their faces?

Sweet. Very nice.

Oh. A tough one
for our little expert
over there.

Gauguin. Emily.

That really gross guy
who sent his ear
in the mail to his brother

and then he killed himself.

No that's close, though.
That was Van Gogh,
Gauguin's best friend.

All right, listen. Pair up,
all you little munchkins,
and, uh, start painting.

Come with me!
Come with me!

TED: I called again.

I can't believe
I called again,

making my lover
my authoritarian
parental scapegoat,

thus digressing
in my analysis.

This clear,
sort of Edwardian,
mystical martyrdom that I...

Did you just yawn?

Am I boring you?

Oh, well, I'm so sorry
my problems bore you, Lucy.

Yes, you do bore me, Ted.

This story of yours bores me.
Every week, for an hour,
it's the same thing.

"I didn't want to call.
He made me feel like shit.

"It made me feel like shit,
but I called."

It bores me.

Well, it bores me, too!

This ultimate Faustian prison.

I want to stop. Why the hell
do you think I see you?

I don't know.
Maybe you're bored?

I look at the phone.
I stare at the phone.

Then I pick up the phone.
I feel I am the phone.

I'm imprisoned by the phone.

BOTH:
Therefore, I am a prison,

with the phone as my bars.

(SIGHING)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

(GLASS TINKLING)

(CHUCKLING)

Where's your partner?

No?

Couldn't find a partner?

(JOE SIGHING)

Man, I know
how you feel.

I don't have
a partner, either.

Do you wanna
be my partner?

Really?
Uh-huh.

You serious?
Uh-huh.

All right.

What do you wanna paint?
A rainbow.

Yeah?
Mmm-hmm.

All right.

(COUGHING)

Start with what?
A little red over here?

(GLASS CRUNCHING)

(SIGHS)

Who would...

A person could...

Oh, goodness.
Who would leave this
phone here like this?

God!

(DOOR OPENING)

Hi.

Hi.

How was class?

Okay.

Good.

Do you think you help
people in therapy, Lucy?

Well, I try.

I think it's possible.

The pain of these little kids
sometimes is, uh...

Just, uh, makes me sad.

Another
deep-painting-subject day?

Why do you always do that?

Why do you act flippant
about things that are
important to me?

You've reconsidered
the death pact, I hope?

You are so afraid
that I may be right

you will not answer
one simple question,
will you?

What I really hear you saying
is that you're frightened
about something, Joe.

So, do you want
to tell me about it

or do you want to continue
to project your fears onto me?

I'm not projecting shit.

Why do you act flippant
about things that are
important to me?

Well, I don't feel
that I do.

Well, I'm telling you,
you do.

Well, that's
your perception.

It's not perception, Lucy.

You make me feel like shit

when you act like you
don't care about things
that are important to me.

Period. That's how I feel.
That's no perception.

What, is this about Jane?
Are you having a crisis
about Jane?

Because I
could understand...
If I were celibate,

if I were saving myself
for five years for somebody.

If I was obsessing
over somebody
for five years

and I didn't even
have the courage
to speak to them,

I can imagine that I might be
in a bit of a crisis
about this person.

You just have
a glib little response
for everything, don't you?

You're, like,
in this little,
protected shell.

You hide behind your smug,
pseudo-intellectual, you know,
psycho-babble humor.

I mean, you wanna talk
about being afraid, Lucy?
Why don't we talk about Dick?

Why don't we talk
about two and a half years
of you hiding behind Dick,

a man that you don't
give a shit about,

you could care less
about how he feels,

and turned down
everything that's come along.

I mean, if you want to talk
about being afraid, Lucy,
forget about me.

I mean, let's talk about you.

If everybody
weren't afraid, Joe,
then nobody would know

how nice it feels
to be safe.

All right, Lucy. 28 days.

I'm gonna talk to Jane.

You're gonna go out
with anyone that asks.

At the end of this month,
if nothing changes,

you and I jump off
the Brooklyn Bridge.

Fine.

Fine.

(WHISTLING)

LUCY:
This is it. You take it.
I can't look at it.

Oh, my god!

All right.
"The New York City
Board of Education

"is pleased to inform you
that, having met the necessary
requirements...

"B.A. in Education."
Yeah, we have that.

"Recommendations,
commitment of enrolment."
We have that already.

"Your application
has been accepted."
Oh!

"Just answer the following
questions," blah, blah...
What questions?

They're tryin' to tell me
that they're gonna
give us our school!

What are the questions, Joe?
What are the questions?

Uh, "What is your projected
teaching philosophy?"

Progressive but honest.

What, like teaching kids
how to kill themselves

if they don't have
boyfriends by 4th grade?

That's not fair. Taxi!

When do we actually
get the building
to put our school in?

As soon as we
get the money.

When do we
get the money?

Right now. Simon.
Excellent.

(TAXI TIRES SCREECHING)

(SCOFFS)

"Bwick Elias."
Yeah, whatever.

SIMON: How's Joe?

LUCY:
He's terrific.
He's good.

He still infatuated
with that woman
who lives across the street?

(SLURPING)
Mmm-hmm.

Did you hate
grade school, Daddy?

No. Did you?

Yeah.

Oh!

And actually, that's what
I, I sort of wanted
to talk to you about.

See, I've really
been thinking a lot...

Well, actually,
Joe and I
were talking about...

What?

(SIGHS)

Come on, Lucy.
No, never mind.

What?

Nothing. Nothing.
Really, it's nothing.

You got your stuff
in to Harvard, right?
Mmm-hmm, yeah.

Good.

Yeah.

You know, Mom
used to tell me
that if I...

If I sat here on this mushroom
and I wished really hard,

that Alice would take me
to Wonderland with her.

Yeah?
Yeah, but I would get
really discouraged.

I must have come here
after school
every day for months,

and I would
stand here and...

Actually, I'd sit right here,
desperately hoping,

you know, wishing.

Nothing. She never showed.
Then one day, this...

By the way, I have, um...
I have some mail for you
at the house.

You know,
they keep sending it
to my address.

Well, you can have it
forwarded to me.

Sure.

Well, it's great seeing you.
You look terrific, sweetheart.

Thanks.

I love you.

See you next week.

Okay. Bye.

Bye.

(SIGHING)

Bye.

(ORDINARY PLAYING)

* Grabbed my favorite dress

* But it's so ordinary

* So I slashed my jeans

* Yeah, yeah my hair's a mess

* It's very arbitrary

* Pass the scissors please

* He said

* "Baby, I think you need
a long vacation"

* I said

* "I think I need
a little levitation"

* I'm the only one

* I'm the only one

* Spinning like the barrel
of a shotgun

* I'm the only one

* In an ordinary life

Fuck.

You're mine!

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(SIGHING)

Any guy.

You look
very pretty today.

(CHUCKLING) Oh.

Thank you.

You look like an idiot.

Excuse me?

Savant!

I meant you looked
like an idiot savant.

I mean, I think you have,
probably, I believe,
savantian qualities.

I think we all have
savantian qualities.
I just...

May I take you
on a date tonight?

Food for thought.
Ooh! Gotta run.

Maybe I'll
see you around.
I...

Tomorrow night, 8:00?

Great.

(BALL THUDDING)

Oh, fuck.

(PANTING)

Okay, okay! Okay.

(WHISPERING) Fuck.

JANE: Hey, Al.

Good morning.

How you doin', buddy?

(AL CHUCKLING)

She's in there, right?

No, she's not in there.

Oh, come on.
You saw her go in.

No, I didn't see her.

I'm gonna talk
to her today.

Yeah, I heard that before.

You are
my best friend, man.

Yeah, yeah.
I love you.

Yeah. I love you too.
Yeah, yeah. Eat shit.

Okay, here we go. Good.

How you been?

Good. And you?

Fine. Long time
no see you.

Uh, tell me something.
Do you... Do you reckon
these things really work?

Just talk to her, man.
You gotta fuckin' talk to her!

What are these for?
Ginseng.

They is for men.

What does it do
for men?

You know.

Okay. What does it
do for women?

You just walk over,
and you talk to the woman.

Okay? It's not
a big production,

it doesn't have to be
all dramatic all the time.

You just walk over
and you...

And you die.

You walk over and you die,
because you're so...

(EXCLAIMS)

Here you go. See you.

Thanks, guys.
Have a good one.

Bye-bye.
Bye.

(EXHALING)

Hi!

It's bad.

AL: (LAUGHING) "Hi!"

Shut up!

AL: "Hi!"

(AL LAUGHING)

(AL COUGHING)

JOE:
Look, Lucy. Come on.

I said I'd kill myself
up here with you
in three weeks,

the least thing you can do
is do my picnic thing.

I mean, we might as well get
used to the place, you know?

What if people see us?
I hate this, Joe.

I'm freezing.
I'm very cold.

Lucy, I think if we jump,
people are gonna see.
You know what I mean?

Hot chocolate?
Thank you.

So you were telling me
that you spoke to Jane?

Uh, yes. I did.

Really? What'd she say?

Nothing. She had left
the deli already.

Oh, Joe.

Come on. It was close, Lucy.

Anyway, listen, I don't know
what I was thinking.
I thought of a genius plan.

What's that?

I have an art opening.
I invite her. She comes.

She sees how huge I am.
She's mine.

Oh, that's very sweet.

You know me, baby.

(CHUCKLING)

This is nice.

Thank you.

It's pretty.

(SIGHING)

Joe?

Yeah?

Would you drink my spit?

Oh, come on! Can you just
take your weird survey
somewhere else? Please.

Please answer the question.

All right. I'm gonna
answer your question,

but this is the last time
I ever want
to talk about this.

The last time.
Forever.

Okay.
You swear?

All right, now,
what are you
talking about?

You know Mother Teresa
and the missionaries,
they drink the lepers' spit?

Yeah.

I was just wondering
if you'd drink mine.

Now, now, how would
we actually do it, again?
I mean, you would just...

I would just open my mouth
and you'd just spit
right in there?

Or would you spit in a cup
and I'd just drink it
out of a cup?

No, no. I'd be, like...

You know, I'd pucker my lips,
and I'd gather the spit
in my lips like this:

(SLURPING)

Like that, you know?
And then you'd kiss me,
and you'd suck it up.

Um...

No, I don't think
I'd be interested in that.

Really?
Yeah.

What, you don't
love me enough?

Of course I love you.
It's not that.

But you, you don't really
want to kiss me.

You're gorgeous.
I'd make out with you
right now.

I just don't wanna
drink your spit.

Well, when people kiss a lot,
they basically drink
each other's spit.

I know.
But that, that's different.

That's involuntary
mutual spit exchange.

Huh.

(SIGHING)

I have a date
tomorrow night.

What?
I have a date
tomorrow night.

With who?

Just this really cute
idiot-savant guy I met.

What, he started...
He started talkin' to you?

Where? Like on the street
or something?

In a coffee shop.

And you liked him?

Mmm.

No, but you had
to go out with him
'cause of our death pact!

(LAUGHING)
I told you
it would all work out!

I love this life!
I love it!

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Hi.

Hi.

Well, thanks
for walking me home.

Oh, please.
It was my pleasure.

I had a wonderful time.

Yeah. It was fun.

So give me a call
next week or whatever.

I'd like that.

(WHISPERING) Good.

May I use your bathroom?

Sure. It's that door,
right behind you.

Thanks.

SPORTSCASTER:
In sports, the Nuggets just
got by the Knicks, 114 to 112.

The Lakers had no hope
against the Rockets...

(SIGHING)

JOE: So tell me
about your date last night.

Well, he was very nice.
He was a perfect gentleman.

He took me to dinner
and, and dessert
and cappuccino, and...

Then he walked me home, and...

Yeah?

And then, then...

Well, he went
into the bathroom,
and he didn't come out

for a very long time.

He went into the bathroom,

and he didn't come out
for a very long time.

Huh.

Well, like, like how long?
Like, like, how long
was he in there, like an hour?

Mmm, like 20 minutes.

Really?

All right.
Go ahead, go ahead.
Come on. go ahead!

It was... It was nothing.
It just was strange.

What happened in our bathroom?
Were there gesticulations?
I mean, were...

No!
Did you hear noises?

He just went to the bathroom.
That's all. It was nothing.
It just seemed odd to me.

He just went
to the bathroom?

Yes, that's all.
See? Just weird.

What, number two?

Oh, Joe!
I don't want to talk
about this anymore!

Wait.

He took some stanky shit
in our bathroom?

Is that what you're
trying to say?
Oh, my god!

That man took you
out for dinner,

bought you a cappuccino
and everything,

and walked you home,
perfect gentleman,

went into our house,
into our bathroom,
stayed there for an hour,

taking some stanky,
foul-smelling shit,

and then just...
Then just left.

(LAUGHING)

That is so disgusting.
I can't believe that.

God! What is that...

(PANTING)
I mean, what is that about?
I mean, was he, like,

trying to leave his mark?
I mean...

God!

(GROANS)

(GIGGLING)

You gonna see him again?

Yeah. Yeah.

You probably would.
You are gonna see
that guy again, aren't you?

You're probably
seeing him right now.

(GIGGLING)

JOE: * Oh, Jane

* How the hell will I get you

* To my opening?

* Will you send me away

* Oh, Jane

* Will you kiss me and stop me

* From jumping off
the Brooklyn Bridge?

* 'Cause I need...

* Need you to...

(CAR HONKING)

(SIREN WAILING)

I've been wanting to meet you
for such a long time now.

No, I... I don't put menu.

You don't put menu?

No, no, no.

What would this be,
then, sir?

I don't know.

You don't know
what this is?
No, no.

Oh. You don't know
what that is.

That's menu!
That's menu.

No, no.
Not a menu. No.

Oh, just...

All right, good.
Fine.

(PANTING)

What? Don't wave at me.

I'm in a whole
other league here, baby.

Whole other league!

(SPITS)

What the...
What're you doin'?

Run normal!

Okay. This would be the path
where normal people run, sir!

Okay? The weird
triathlete training complex
is somewhere else.

Okay?

Run normal here.

Okay, get off my path!
Get off it!

Oh. Oh, pretty fast, huh?
Huh?

Run around the block, huh?
Who couldn't run
around the block?

You don't think I can run
that fast running around
the fuckin' block? Huh?

Try runnin' 15 miles. Huh?
See how fast you run that!

Huh? Fifteen...

* Suntan lotion, baby
* Suntan lotion, baby

I'm gonna shoot you
in the face
if you don't stop. Now...

* Gotta look sexy
Get off me, you maniac!

Get the hell away from me!
Get out of here.

* ...for the girl tonight

* Gotta look sexy
for the girl, tonight

* Gotta look good for
the big date tonight, kids

* Suntan lotion, baby

Gentlemen.
How are you today?

I'm beautiful.
How are you?
Fine.

Listen, I'd like
to purchase some
suntan products.

S.P. factor?

Excuse me?

S.P. factor?

Uh, no. That's okay.
I'll just have
suntan lotion.

What sun protection
factor do you need?

Oh, sun protection factor.
"S.P." Sun protection.

Yes.

I don't know,
what do you guys suggest?

For you?
Yeah.

30.
30?

Yeah.

Give me a four.
Actually, better yet,
gimme that deep, uh,

that deep-tanning
tropical oil.

That's only 2.
Excellent.

At least get
the total sun blocks
for your nose and lips.

(CAR HORN HONKING)

Whatever the fuck it is
you think you're doing,
do it away from me.

Al.

Why can't we
just love each other?

(CAR HORN HONKING)

Come on, Joe.

We have to be there
in half an hour.
We're gonna be late.

I'm not going.

Oh, please, Joe.
Come on, will you just...

Will you let me see it,
at least? Just lift
your chin a little...

Five years I wait
to meet Jane.

Five years.

(SIGHING)

Will you let me see it?
Can I look at it?

I'll tell you if you
should worry or not.

No.
Just lift your face.

Come on. We have to go.

Please?

It's... It's not bad.
I... I barely see anything.

Lucy, come on! You...

It's so minimal.

You barely...

The white...
The white ring,
I'm talking about.

I know what
you're talking about,
and it's nothing.

No one's gonna
even notice it.
It's totally... It's fine.

No one'll notice it?

Uh-uh.

Doesn't look weird?

No.

It's gonna be fine.
Come on, let's go.
You have to get dressed still.

(SIGHING)

Okay? You're gonna look great.
Don't worry about it.

What if I put
some makeup on?

No, don't put makeup on.
Do not put makeup on.

You're gonna look great.
Just leave it alone
and let's go.

All right? Get dressed.
All right, all right.
Thanks, Lucy.

LUCY: Mmm-hmm.

I'll just be a sec.

JOE:
How am I gonna explain?
What was I thinking?

How will I explain to her
that she's in
all my paintings?

She's gonna think
I'm a, a freaky peeping tom
freaker. Freakman.

LUCY: You're the only one
that can see that, all right?

You're saying you can't see
my girlfriend, Jane,
in that painting right there?

You can't see Jane
in this painting?
In that painting?

Jane kissing God.
Jane and the elephants.

Jane and the Jane.
The big-love Jane.

You can't see that
in any of them?

What about that one?
You see her face there,
her clothes?

She has clothes?

All right. Great, fine.

No.
Oh, good, fine. Okay, good.

No one can see.
Only me. Only me.
Okay, good.

What is wrong with you?

Boy, this is stupid.
This is dumb.

Relax!

Interview loves it.
And I think the Voice
does, as well.

Whatever!

It's over 50% sold, Joe!

Whatever, Rene. I mean,
the girl's not coming.
It's just dumb.

Joe. Joe!

MAN:
This one I'm going to buy.

LUCY: Really?

Yeah, I think it sums up
the historical sexual struggle

so completely
that it's inspiring.

So you would
consider yourself...

"Limp cock man"?
Yeah. Proudly.

(WHO'S LEAVING WHO? PLAYING)

* Maybe they'll start
to believe it

* Who's leavin' who?

* Who's leavin' who?

* If I'm leavin' you

* And you insist that's true

* Who's the fool?

* You say my eyes are too blue

* I used to listen to you

* Some things I know
got rearranged

* Let me out
of these sugar chains *

Jesus.

Lucy. Lucy. Lucy...

Oh, my god.

Oh...

Excuse me.

LUCY: Okay.

Do you know
where I can find
Joe MacGonaughgill?

Oh!

You're...
Jane.

Yeah, I know.

I mean, Jane, I know.
I know lots of Janes.

Well, I... I'd...
I don't know lots of Janes,

but, I have one
very good friend
named Jane.

That's nice.

Wow.

You really are pretty.

Thank you. Thanks.

I mean, you look fantastic.
That, that, uh...

Your dress is pretty.

So I think that...
I think Joe is...
Oh! Yep, there he is.

Good.

So... Okay.

Joe.

This is Jane.

Jane Lindquist.

Hey.

Joe MacGonaughgill.
It's good to meet you.

I see you
met Lucy already.

Yeah, we met over there.

I have herpes.
I...I mean,

I...I don't get it downstairs,
you know, I just get very, uh,

violent herpetic outbreaks
on, on my mouth.

I wanted to look, you know,
especially nice
for...for the opening tonight.

So today I did this,
like, tanning thing.

So I, I put
this sun block
around my mouth

especially, so I wouldn't
get, uh, any cold sores.

I, uh, I...I didn't...
I didn't get any cold sores.

I did get this ridiculous
white ring around
my mouth, though,

which, uh...
I didn't notice it.

Here's the thing.
See, I'm aware

that you find me
extremely attractive.

There's a... There's a...
There's a heat.

You know, there's a thing.

And, uh, I know that
this might be sort of eating
into that moment a bit.

Sort of eating into
that...that thing,
you know.

But I want you to know
that it will go away soon,

and I will go back to being
the incredibly dashing,

handsome, you know,
Newman-Brando-esque,
you know,

looking, uh, guy.

Shh.

BWICK: Excuse me.

I'm Bwick.
I've been watching you.

I know you see me,
us, together tonight.

Don't think here.

I want to go out now with you
all around the city,
just you and me.

I want to paint you,
innocent,

us, out, joyful, good,

pleasant, deep.

He's, uh...
He's Bwick. Bwick Elias.
He's a... He's a painter.

You paint, right?

I... I... Art.

Okay. Oh.

You'll be
all right, Lucy.
He's harmless.

Okay. So then
I guess that, uh,

Bwick and I are just...

Out.
...out, and...

Night and, and...
And light.
Us.

And asphalt
and, and...
Lighting.

All right.
Fine.

Well, congratulations, Joe.

Thanks, Lucy.

Hey, listen, uh,
Mac...Knockadick?

Excuse me?

MacKnickknack.
MacDick...trick?

MacDicka...
MacDickatrick?

MacGonaughgill.

MacDonaughgill.

MacGonaughgill.
MacGonaughgill.

Joe MacGonaughgill.

MacGonaughgill.
Joe...MacGonaughgill.

You have a, um,

art show.

Good.
Okay.

Thanks so much.

LUCY: Bye.

I love your paintings.

Really?

Yeah. Really.

Can I ask you somethin'?

Yeah.

Are you involved
with anyone?

Yes.

Who?

Him.

Really?

He does have
quite a limp dick,

but he gives the best
damn head I've ever had.

Ouch!
Good.

That's not good.
That makes me feel not good.

Ring the bell,

make a wish. $20 more
and I get a room

and dinner tonight.

But please,
anything will do.

Your wish'll
still come true.

(BELL RINGING)

Ah. Oh.

(BELL RINGING)

You wanna try?

Sure.

That's the way
to do it.

Thanks.

(RINGING)

Yeah.

(SIGHS)

Thank you.

Oh, hey! It worked! Bye,
thanks for everything. Bye!

Taxi!

So, how was it?

Lucy, my imagined ideals

were like tiny,

insignificant bits
of nothingness

compared to the magnificence
which was her beauty.

Okay? I am completely
in love with her.

She is God's woman.

And he has...

He has given her to me.

Wow. That sounds great.

You should be very happy.

You think?

Yeah, you should,
because she's not a fantasy
anymore to you, Joe.

She's a real woman.

She is a perfect,
real woman.

Come on.

That's nice.

Listen, by the way,
what was up with, uh,
you leaving with

Bwick Elias?

Oh, I don't know, he's funny.
He's an idiot, but he's funny.

You know, I like this
dating thing. I'm sort of
getting the thing here.

What I do is
sit back and watch

as these strange men

try to impress you
in weird and stupid ways.

And then you just,
you pick the least
disgusting one, I guess.

All I can say is,
you better pick one of those
least disgusting guys in, uh,

the next 13 days.
Know what I'm sayin'?

You just worry about
closin' your own deal.

Listen, if we get the school,
which I think we're gonna get,

but we don't get the weird
boyfriends and girlfriends,

do we have to
jump anyway?

Good night, Joe.

Wait a minute.

Could I get some specifics
on that weird Bwick thing?

See you tomorrow.
No, no, no, no.
I told you everything.

Come on, that's
not fair, you dog.

You were brilliant
tonight, Joe.

I hate you.

Sweet dreams.

No, wait.

(CHUCKLING)
What? What?

Was I okay tonight?

You were the best.

(CLICKING TONGUE)

Really?

Good night.

Wait, Lucy, I was...
Go to sleep.

Lucy, come on.
I was okay, really?

LUCY:
I love you. Good night.
See you in the morning.

JOE: Good night.

LUCY: Night-night.

Good night, moon.

What?

Good night, moon.

Good night,
moonie-moonie.

Good night, fish.
Good night, spoon.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Joe?

Yes. I am Joe.
Joe MacGonaughgill.

It's Jane.

Jane?
We met last night
at your opening.

Jane?

(CLATTERING)

Hello?
Hi. Hi. Hi. Uh...

Hi, Jane? How's it goin'?

Great.

Um, what are you doin'?

Just hangin' out.

Um, listen,

can I ask, uh,
can I ask you a question?

Yeah.

Would you like
to have dinner with me?

I'd love to.

Really?

Mmm-hmm.

Okay, great.

Um, I guess I'll just, uh,
I'll just give you a call.

Okay, why don't you
just do that?

Okay. Bye.

Bye.

(PHONE BEEPS)

Yes!

Oh, I guess I'm not dating
my new girlfriend now.
Bullshit.

I'm dating her.
We're dating.
I got a date with her.

You're a hero. Piss off.

Why can't you ever
be happy for me?

Why can't you be happy?
Piss off!

Lucy!

Oh, hi. I'll be down
after my session, okay?

Lucy, wait.

What? I'm late.
What is it?

Bwick Elias, Lucy.

You know, the painter?
Bwick?

He's nice. We talked,
and he'd like to call you.

I'd like to call you.

Unfortunately,
he was too overwhelmed
with, um, sadness

by your untimely
departure last night,

and, um, he couldn't ask
for your number.

Too overwhelmed with sadness
by your untimely departure
last night,

he couldn't ask
for your number.

But, but stalking me
was apparently well within
your comfort zone.

I made this for you.

Oh.

You can have it.

Or we could trade.

Little birdie
for your number?

(COOING)

Thank you.

555-6745. Cellular.

Hush! Little child speaks
what we dare not say.

I dare for you
not to have me call you.

BWICK: I dare you!

Which one?

Well, I think I like this.
I like this. This is nice.

Yeah.
It's pretty.

Yeah, I like that
on you.

It doesn't really matter,
'cause he's not
gonna call, anyway.

Well, if you'd shut up
about it, he'd call.

And if I don't?

Then he won't.

Oh.

(CELLULAR PHONE RINGING)

If I wear these with it,
do you think it's too dark?
Hello?

No, I kind of like
the dark-light...
Hi, Bwick.

Is she free tonight?

Yes, she is.

Well.

I guess I'll be
wearing this tonight

on my date, 'cause...

'cause he called me.

EMILY: Okay, bye.

BWICK: And down. Slowly.

Slowly. Lower, lower.
Good. Good.

Saturation, saturation.
And vanquish!

Vanquish! Vanquish. Good.

Rotate right.
Rotate right. Slowly.

Attitude adjustment.
Good. And stab!

(DOORBELL BUZZES)
Ha! Drop. door.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Bica!

Water.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh. Come in. It's open.

I've gotta go. Bye.

Hi.

You bought me a shrubbery?

Well, I was at the, uh,
the flower store,

and roses just seemed
a little boring.

So you bought me
a shrubbery.

I wouldn't really call it
a shrubbery, Jane.

It's a... It's a ficus tree.
It's a very rare
and exotic plant.

Well...

How wonderfully
'80s of you, Joe.

Fine, I'll just kill it.

No, no, no, no!
Don't! Don't! Don't.

No, no! Don't! No.

I love it. I love it.

You sure?

It's beautiful.

We can put it
in my dentist's office.

(GRUNTS)

Stop!

I've never done this
in front of anyone before.

I haven't felt
comfortable enough.

Red.

BWICK: Purple!

I hate this!
You, put purple,
all around. Smear.

Smear red!

Red.

Position 3!

Now, up. Go.
Knees! Down.

JANE: Sugar?

JOE: Yeah. Two, please.

What are you
smiling about?

Nothin'.

(SIGHS)

I'm just happy
to be here.

I find it really hard
to concentrate around you

'cause I'm,
I'm so into you.

Do you find it at all
hard to concentrate
around me?

A little bit?
Now and then?

(PANTING)

It's symbolic.

Life equals love,

which actually equals death.

Life equals death.

(EXHALES)

LUCY: It's symbolic?

BWICK: Yeah.

Symbolic death?

Symbols of life

and death and love.

Life equals death,
which is in the middle.

The subset is love,

which is really
what the symbol is: love.

Life equals love
equals death.
It's symbolic.

Wait.

You have a woman
with life painted
on her, uh,

area, and she's
stabbing to death

a man with a knife
that says love on it.

And then in big,
bold letters it says,

"life equals love
equals death."

I don't know that
it's very symbolic, Bwick.

It's kind of spelled out.

So it sucks.

Hans.

No, it doesn't suck.
It's just that
it's not really...

(SPLASHING)

You know, it's...
It's a literal painting.

It's not symbolic,
which is fine.

Mmm-hmm.

It's literal.

Right. Just
literally sucks.

No.

No, you're right.
You're right.
It just symbolically sucks.

Hans!

It certainly isn't very
literal anymore, is it?

No. It's...It's symbolic.

JOE:
Do you believe
in a big love?

JANE: Is that
a serious question?

(JOE SIGHS)

Look,
when I was 16,

I was in love
with this guy
called William.

I was completely
absorbed by him.

I felt like I had
no sense of autonomy,

no sense of being.

It was almost like
I didn't exist
without him.

I couldn't sleep,
I couldn't eat,
I couldn't do anything

unless he was around.

It was like I was
just the same person,

and I thought that was
being madly in love.

Or the big love,
as you'd say.

You know, I wrote
an article just recently

about how overrated
the sense of
falling in love is.

People just seem to think
it's all about, like,
the initial thing,

the, the flowers,
and the explosions

and the...
And the symphonies

and that excitement
when you see somebody,
and then...

And then what?

You know? Nobody
seems to be able
to maintain that.

That's what I think
the big love is,

the capacity to be...
To be able to reinvent
the relationship

to be able to,
to grow and to expand
and to maintain that feeling

and not feel that
if you don't have it,

then it's not working,
you know,

and you just walk out
and you find it elsewhere.

(SIGHS)

No, that big love
you're talking about,

I think that's... That's...
That's just for lovers.

JOE: So, you have some
feelings on this issue?

(JANE CHUCKLES)

(BELL TOLLING)

Huh?

Mmm, deep-seated
feelings.

I need to tell you,
you went crazy earlier.

Sometimes I feel
things, Lucy.

What you feel,
I treat.

Do you feel that?

Maybe.

Flesh

(GIGGLES)

Is symbolic.

Love

is flesh.

Flesh

(CONTINUES GIGGLING)

equals

symbolic.

Our paintings

and our fingers

equal symbolic.

Flesh.

All right, one kiss,
but that's all.

JOE:
So you don't think
that someone

could, like, see someone
from afar,

fall hopelessly
in love with them,
and live happily ever after?

One looks everywhere
for something to lean on.

One is charmed
by the hope
of having found it.

It turns out to be a dream
in which the harsh facts

are scattered
with a rude awakening.

Who said that? Cher?

No. Marie Anne du Deffand.

She's a writer.

You really are funny,
you know.

(WHISPERING)
You know what you are?

You're a girl

who stands

zero chance

of ever being kissed

by any other man.

That's what you are.

(POSITIVE PLAYING)

* I got your message,
couldn't call you back

* I was busy gettin' you
off my mind

Joe?

* I saw your girlfriend

* I think she thinks
I want you back

* God, you surely
take your time

* I don't wanna be
in your fantasy

* I wish you'd move
to China or the moon

* Positive

* Capital "p"

* Positive,
you don't belong to me

* I'm kinda scattered
like the pieces of a puzzle

* But our pieces
never seem to fit

* And I talk to the mirror
looking deep into my eyes

* But I only see this

* I don't want to be
in your diary

* I didn't mean it
when I wished you away

* Now I'm positive

* Capital "p"

SIMON:
So, Joe, how's that
girlfriend of yours?

The one you have all those,
uh, passive-aggressive,
voyeuristic fantasies about?

With all due respect, Simon,
I'd really rather not hear
your opinion about it.

Well, Joe, you should
let him help you.

He gets paid a lot of money
to help people.

That's all right.

Wasn't there something
important that you needed
to discuss with your father?

Joe, come on.

What is it, Lucy?

Oh...

Joe and I had been discussing,

very, very superficially,
really, just

this idea that we, we had

for opening a kids' school.

A school for kids.

Huh!

SIMON: Well, that's
a fine idea, sweetheart.

And if you weren't going
to Harvard in the fall and
then taking over the clinic,

I'd help you
any way I could.

No, no, of course.
I didn't... I was...

Just explain to me
how you're going to Harvard
and our school is history.

What do you suggest
that I do, Joe?
It's all arranged.

Well, it can all
easily be unarranged.

Don't you mean
rearranged?

What?

"Unarranged"
isn't a word.

(SIGHS)

Rearranged.
It can all easily
be rearranged.

Rearranged.

You don't just rearrange
a relationship, Joe.
It doesn't work like that.

Whatever.
I have a date.
So do I.

Great. Five days to go,
and we both have dates.

Then again,
your credibility
is pretty shot, Lucy.

Halfway down, you'll want
to turn around and go back.

That's not true.
I've never been
more resolved.

Whatever.

You lied to me.

Fuck.

It's always
like Mickey Rourke
or somebody that

can't make it to the bed,
and they have to do it
when they come in the door

standing up against
some pillar or something.

Put you up here
like a contortionist

and do plies
and releves

and keep it in there

and get it in there

and be effective,
all at the same time.

I will be perfectly happy
to blow your mind,

but can we just lie down?

In a minute.

Have you had an aids test?

Negative.

And you?

15 for 15.

You've had
15 aids tests?

(MOANING)
Every 4 months
for the last 5 years.

(SIGHS)

Do you shoot drugs?

No.

Do you fuck guys?

No.

Do you sodomize
junkie prostitutes?

Without a condom?

Yeah.

No.

When was the last time
you had sex?

Five years ago.

Then why all
the aids tests?

I don't want to talk
about it.

Joe!

What?

I need to know.

I'm a little embarrassed
about it. Can we just
not talk about it?

Why all the aids tests?

What is it?

I masturbated.

But you can't even
get it from kissing,

let alone jerking off.

I don't know.

What about phone sex?

I'll have another test
on Thursday.

I think
we're safe now.

I cannot maneuver
like this.

I need to be able
to deal with you properly.

We have to lie down now.

Okay, but it has to be
in the kitchen.

I don't care where it is.

I'll throw your sorry ass
on the floor right here
and fuck your brains out.

But you can't see the floor
from your apartment.

I know. God, I always hated
that I couldn't see
your ankles.

Wait. What did you
just say?

You can't see
the floor here
from your apartment.

You know that
I've been watching you?

All this time,
all these years,

you know that
I've been watching you?

Of course.
You knew that, Joe.

(SIGHS)

Um...

No, really, uh,

I didn't.

I was watching you
watching me.

I liked it.

What's the problem?

It wasn't like that.

I've been smitten.
I mean, uh...

I don't want you to be
some...some fantasy, I...

I want you to be
my girlfriend.

I want you to be a reality.

Come on, Joe.

You never wanted me
to be your reality.

And if you do,

you'd better have a look
at who's standing
in front of you.

We're not
reality material.

I didn't know that.

Joe, what's a cute,

smart, sexy,
good-looking guy...

Why haven't you
slept with a girl
for the last 5 years?

I've been savin' myself.

For who?

I guess I don't know.

See you.

Come on.

Joe.

Come on.

(SIGHS)

(ATHENA PLAYING)

* Looking through
the wrong lens

* With shadows in my eyes

* You were hiding in the open

* Standing by my side

* All we needed
was a river to follow

* And dance in

* Lay down, Athena

* In your sea of wine

JOE: Lucy? Lucy!

* Lay down, Athena

* Lay down, lay down

* Lay down

* Crimson river we follow

* We collide, we collide

* We'll be safe in tomorrow

Hey.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

How is everything?

It's fine. It's great.

Yeah? Great.

You?

I'm having fun.

I'm really havin'
a great time.

Obviously.

What's wrong with you?

(SIGHS)

What are you wearin'?

What do you mean?

What's that?
You slapped some paint on it?

It's very creative.
How'd it go over
with old Bwicky?

I don't want
to talk about it.

You don't want
to talk about it?

I don't like your attitude.

Come on, Lucy.
What happened on your date?

I mean, come on.
Tell me. Talk.

We finger-painted,
all right?

He made me dinner,

we finger-painted,
and we talked all night.

I thought you'd be happy
that I had a nice time,

I thought you'd be happy
that we could call off
this stupid death pact thing

and not kill ourselves.

Why would we call off
the death pact?

Because you and Jane
and, and me and Bwick.

I like him.

You like him well enough
to call off the death pact?

Yeah.

No, no, excuse me.
I, uh, I didn't realize
he was so special, Lucy.

I don't understand
what this is all about.

Wait a minute,
are you and Jane
not getting along?

Is, is that
what this is?

(SIGHS)

What?

What?

A fuckin' painter.

You're in love
with a fucking painter.

Bwick Elias.

(JOE CHUCKLES)

I mean, it's just
too fuckin' perfect.

I just don't believe it
that, that...

(JOE LAUGHING)

I mean, that...

Stupid,

pseudo-intellectual,
you know, like,

counting-crows-headed,
"love equals life
equals death,"

you know, pop bullshit.

Fuckin'... Fuck!

If you think that
that fucking guy

is coming into my house...

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Your house?

Oh. Excuse me.

Your house. Sorry.

I'm out of here.
Whatever.

(CHILDREN SQUEALING)

(CLOCK BEEPING)

Hello, darling.

Hi. Hi.

How are you?

I'm gonna open
a grade school
for children.

I'm not gonna go
to Harvard.

Maybe, maybe you'll help me,
and maybe you won't,

but this is really...
This is what I want to do,

so I hope that
you'll support me.

(LAUGHS)

Why do you
always do that?

Do what?

You always chuckle
whenever I tell you something
that's important to me.

Oh, honey.
That's your perception.

No, that's not
my perception.
It's what happens.

I tell you something
that matters to me,

that's important and...

I don't want to wait
until one of us dies
to get closer.

So you want to be around kids
who want to be adults

instead of adults
who want to be kids, huh?

Yes, exactly.

I hope you know

how proud of you I am.

I hope you know how proud
I've always been of you.

And how much
I have always loved you.

Thank you, Daddy.

I love you, too.
Really.

Okay, listen up. If mopey-boy
is painting upside down,

does that mean you have
to look at the painting
upside down to understand it?

Yes.
No.

(KIDS CLAMORING)

You guys think about it,
and we'll talk about it
next time, all right?

Get out of here.

I'll see you guys
all next, uh...

I'll see you...
I'll see you soon.

Hey, what are you
hoodlums up to?

What are you doin'?

Putting money
in the piggy bank.

Why?

Earning money
for our new school.

(SIGHS)

Oh, mope.

I don't want you to do that.
I want you to keep your money.

You look
even more pathetic
than usual.

Hey, stop.
Wait. I'm kiddin'.

Jane again?

I don't care
about that girl.

You whine about her
all these years.

Now that you got her,
you don't want her.

What an asshole
you turned out to be.

I've been living
with this girl,
this friend.

My best friend.

I'm proud of you, Joe.

Why?

You finally figured out
the girl in your heart

isn't the girl
in your dreams.

Some people
don't figure it out
all their lives.

What are you,
Mr. Fuckin' philosopher
all of a sudden?

Is she in love with you?

(SIGHS) No.

Not anymore.

I mean, not like that.
Not like... Not like anything.

I ruined it.

I once had a girl.

I'll never forget
the day she told me,

"I don't love you anymore."

I never wanted
to feel the way
my gut felt that day,

so I never took a chance.

I stopped breathing,
for Christ's sake, Joe.
That's how much it hurt.

So you can sit here with me
and not breathe
the rest of your life,

or you can give it a try.

Come on, look.

Paint her a picture,
give her some roses.

Write her a cute little note,
and she's yours.

Thanks, Al.

Piss off.

Lucy?

(CHUCKLES)
Early Jane.

(SIGHS)

LUCY: Bwick Elias.

He's cute.

He's sweet. He's talented.

He makes me giggle.

He's rich.

But come on, Lucy.
Let's face it, he's a Dick.

I mean, he's like
your old boyfriend Dick.

He's not like a Joe.
He's more like a Dick.

Joe.

Why would I bring up Joe
right now?

Joe?

No. Joe's in love
with Jane.

Beautiful, lovely, tall Jane.

I hate Jane.

I'd like to get her
in therapy,
fuck her up real good.

Joe.

No.

(YOU DIDN'T KISS ME PLAYING)

* You didn't kiss me

* How can I fall asleep?

Joe?

You think?

Bingo. 25 cents, please.

* I know you're there

* But don't pick up

Joe?

* 'Cause I'll say everything

Joe?

* I know you don't care

* You made that clear enough

* As I was leaving

* I took
your favorite overcoat

* I just wanted to return it

* And I know it's late

* You're probably out

* That's what
you wanted anyway

* I know how you hate it

* When I get too loud

* But, John,
you know I'm crazy

* I'm wrapped around
your favorite overcoat

* Don't think I can return it

(DOORBELL BUZZES)

Joe? Joe!

No. Not Joe.

Hey.
Bwick.

I think you're really neat,
but I don't want
to see you anymore.

I'm sorry.

I wanna show you something.

What do you see
in this painting?

I don't know. Immature.

Paint. Lots of ugly paint.

It's a beautiful girl,

and I hope it's me.

Hey, wait. Lucy.

I... I really like you.

I like you, too, Bwick,

but I'm pretty sure
I'm in love
with someone else.

* Hate your laugh,
hate your lies

* Hate the chance
I took on you

* Hate the past in your eyes

* Hate the war
you put me through

* Hate myself for believing

* This could come
to anything at all

* Mmm, mmm

* I'm wrapped around
your favorite overcoat

* Don't think I can return it

Hi, excuse me.

Hi.
How do you do?

* You didn't kiss me

* How could I fall asleep?

* You didn't wish me very well

* To say the least

* Do you miss me?

* If you said so,
should I believe you?

* You didn't kiss me

* How could I fall asleep?

* You didn't wish me very well

* To say the least

* Do you miss me?

* If you said so,
should I believe you?

* You didn't kiss me

Joe!

Joe!

(PANTING)

We should go jump out there,
because if we jump here

there's a chance
that the highway
might break our fall.

Out there it's just
a straight shot right down
into the icy-cold water.

I thought you were
gonna break my fall.

What happened
to old Bwicky?

I wasn't interested.

Where's Jane?

I don't know.

I'm scared, Joe.

Me, too.

What are you
scared about?

What are you
scared about?

I asked you first.

Are you scared 'cause
you're in love with me?

Are you scared because
you're in love with me?

I asked you first.

Hey. Hey.
Wait a minute.

Don't even try
that hug test on me.
I'm serious.

I mean... No. no.
If you don't know
after that kiss...

LUCY: Joe?

JOE: Yeah?

Doesn't this feel
a little incestuous?

I know.
Isn't it great?

It reminds me of
when I was six

and I would play
seven minutes in heaven
with my little cousins.

(LAUGHING)
That's gross.

Lucy?

Yes.

If I'd have fallen,
would you have caught me?

Hmm...
I would have tried.

Lucy!

But who knows
my physical capabilities?

Straddling a bridge,
gravity...

Trying to think.
Uh, two plus two
plus one...

(JOE SIGHS)
Lucy? Listen, Lucy...
...minus a man who...

...if you can free yourself
from your brain
for two seconds

and allow me
off of your couch...
Mmm-hmm?

...I will take
your crazy spit test.

Really?

I love you so much, Lucy.

I love you, too, Joe.

* Says I need direction

* I head for the door

* I take apart his hourglass
and fill it up with candy

* I don't mind suggestions
Don't give me any more

* Don't get twisted

* You don't like it
You don't buy it

CHORUS:
* I'm a bad

* I'm a bad loser

* I'm a bad

* I'm a bad loser

* I'm a bad

* I'm a bad loser

* What have I got
What have I got

* What have I
What have I got to lose?

* I'm a bad

* I'm a bad loser

* I'm a bad

* I'm a bad loser

* I'm a bad

* I'm a bad loser

* What have I got
What have I got

* What have I
What have I got to lose?

* What have I got
What have I got

* What have I
What have I got to lose?

* What would it take to find
the shape to cure me?

* Who do I pay to sell
this celluloid rosary?

* They're right when they say
the lions got the best of me

* I jump from chair to chair

* But is anybody satisfied?

* Not me

(LOUSY LULLABY PLAYING)

* You know he dreams
about tornadoes

* Tumbleweeds and hurricanes

* I could blame it
on his halos

* Always gettin' in the way

* If I'd known his wings
were crooked

* I'd have pressed them
into shape

* I hopped a Greyhound,
left his hometown

* Population:
1,726 and change

* Sixty bucks,
a broken suitcase

* His bad luck
was my lucky day

* I kinda thought
we had a mess of time *