Original subtitles

I'm okay.

Sure, no, no.

That's no problem, yep, plenty of time.

I'm your consultant.

Of course, we can make it work.

Your feelings are affecting your performance.

I don't know, I've been making a lot of progress.

Denver would've been proud.

Look, mate.

I know it's been difficult, but we both know Denver is dead.

She's not dead, we broke up.

Exactly.

You broke up a year ago.

You got the rest of your life to get over it.

It's easy for you to say.

Okay, so, you got anything new?

Oh yeah, actually.

No, apart from the juggling.

Oh, no.

Well, I did.

I got a new version of the balloon sword.

Ready?

Excuse me.

All right, okay.

Make a coochie.

Make four balls.

Take the penis.

Push it through the coochie.

Classy.

I know.

Oh, sorry guys, I thought you were done.

Hey, Bopsey, it's Oscar and Mike.

Hey guys.

What's up?

Hey, Bipsey and Bopsey, how's it going?

Good.

Just putting the finishing touches on our show.

We're touring the Midwest starting next week.

Wow, that's exciting.

We're still doing the birthday party circuit.

That must be rewarding.

It is.

Hi, Mike.

Hi there.

Well, I think we can call it a day.

We got the, the whirly gigs, and then the hat business,

and then we finish with the jazz hands.

That should be enough.

Oh, before I forget,

Mike was just showing me how to make

a new version of a balloon sword.

Oh, show us.

I love balloon animals.

Cool.

So, what is it you first?

First you make a coochie.

There you go.

And then you make a few balls.

And then you take the penis, and you put it

through the coochie.

And voilà.

I think it looks more like a butthole.

Yeah, that's a sphincter.

Aloha.

How was last night?

I have absolutely no idea home slice,

so it must have been fantastic.

Did you meet anybody?

Did I meet anybody?

Yes?

No.

Probably?

I'm gonna go with probably.

Well, can you at least remember his name?

Pretty sure it was, goodbye, have a nice life.

You do, what the eff?

Wow.

You are such a stud.

I could teach you a thing or three, lady.

Do you mind if I?

Don't mind me.

Don't worry, I'm fully armed in case of, you know.

Oh my God.

What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what?

I'm just fucking with you

Laura, why would you do that?

'Cause it's funny.

You only hate clowns 'cause they're trendy.

How many times do I have to tell you?

I'm seeing a therapist.

How often do you see clowns on a daily basis?

I don't know if they're gonna come on in commercials.

I can never go to the circus.

Who goes to the circus?

What decade is this?

Look, it's like my one thing, okay?

And I told myself that this year I was gonna finally,

shit I gotta take this, sorry.

Amy, hi, how was the presentation?

Amy, I'm sorry.

Can you hold on for just a brief second?

Thanks.

What?

Wanna smoke some weed?

I'm working.

Come on, we could get shwasted, and spend the rest

of the afternoon watching cartoons?

Or, we could do this.

I could finish this call, and you could

discover the joys of meditation.

I don't like meditation, I tried it once.

I didn't get relaxed fast enough.

Now a bong, on the other hand?

I'm so sorry, Julie.

Amy.

Amy, I am so sorry, Amy.

Okay.

This is the final image I want to show you for today.

How scary is this on a scale of one to 10?

Seven.

Okay.

So in a moment, we'll go next door.

How many exits are there?

Don't worry, I'll be in there with you.

Is the clown going to be in there when I arrive?

No, you'll enter first, and then the clown

will be brought in.

Or, should I say clowns, plural?

Oh, how many clowns?

Two.

So make yourself comfortable,

and I'll send in the clowns.

It's hot.

Look, I don't think I can go in there.

Not unless I'm heavily armed, or heavily sedated.

Or both.

They're gonna eat me.

Do you really believe that's going to happen?

Ah, well?

No.

You're right.

Well, of course you're right.

You're right.

They're not going to eat me.

That doesn't make any sense.

Okay, so moving on both literally and figuratively.

That was a big step you made today.

And you certainly don't have to fear a clown.

And remember, the more we expose you to it,

the more your anxiety will lift.

You know, you and I should have dinner sometime.

Thank you for the invite.

And think about it.

I make a great Vietnamese soufflé.

Well, I'm gonna go, so I'll see you next week?

Au revoir.

You were totally staring.

Me?

Yes, you.

Do I know you?

Really?

Let me guess.

You're single?

Ouch.

Ouch, okay.

Can't believe you just said ouch, but, nobody's perfect.

So.

What do you do for a living?

Mind reader.

What?

No, you're not.

See, I knew you were gonna say that.

Okay, that was good, nice.

Regaining your composure, I like it.

Do we know each other?

You know, we were doing so well.

And then you had to resort to pick up line 101.

Oscar, um, Davis.

Um is your middle name?

Yes it is.

Oh, okay.

Hazel Westmoore.

Well, it was really nice to have met you.

Have a nice life.

Look at this.

Great.

On the clown scale, it goes, theater clown,

circus clown, hospital clown, rodeo clown,

birthday parties, street performer, jester, mime.

He's on the bottom rung.

What about your mother?

She fits in there somewhere.

I've got something to fit in your mother.

Depressing to see this.

We should make our mission to crush him.

I'm so stressed.

I wish I smoked.

You should take up crack.

Make a man out of you.

Why did you gotta show me this bozo's poster?

He's no bozo.

Fact is, he's not better than us.

He performed the lowest in our class.

Remember?

Yeah.

Lowest in the class.

Lowest with morals.

Denver wasn't entirely innocent.

Look, what's the solution then, huh?

More birthday gigs?

More corporate jobs?

The truth is, there's a huge gulf between

what we're doing, and what he's doing.

Don't get me wrong, I like what we're doing.

We're our own boss.

But, truth is, I wanna move things forward.

Give ourselves a promotion.

Beyond us getting a grant,

which is notoriously difficult.

I dunno.

Maybe we should just get outta here for a while.

Take a vacation.

Yeah.

We could go to Europe, maybe go to England,

visit the motherland.

England?

I thought you were from Australia.

Hey, what's that dish called?

Frog in a puddle?

Toad in the hole.

Sounds awful.

Anyway, your weather there is notoriously shitty.

Have you ever had a winter in Chicago?

Look, fact is, we could have been in New York right now,

doing an off off-Broadway show.

But, oh no.

Fuck New York.

Typical Chicagoan bullshit.

The pizzas are too thin, the pizzas are too thin.

You know I'm gonna fuck you right in the wind trap.

What's?

The belly button.

Guess what I ran into earlier?

Gandhi?

No, it was the woman we were entertaining.

Hazel.

Oh, she was insane.

No, she had a phobia.

Phobia my ass, mate.

She was mad.

I suppose you could have sex with her, at least.

We had a connection.

A connection?

Listen, a bit of rebound minge never hurt anybody.

Doesn't matter who it is, mate.

Minge, is minge, is minge.

So if you meet this, Emma?

Hazel.

Hazel.

Where would you take her?

All the way.

Ugh, I've gotta create two online apps,

and they've gotta be easy to use.

Easy to use from whose perspective?

So instead, you're getting high.

Have to.

Otherwise I'll build four apps and have no social life.

I thought you were going for that senior position.

I was.

But I wouldn't have enough time for fun and games.

Quit smoking weed, and you might be more productive.

That's funny.

Come on, everything in moderation.

Including moderation.

Wait a second.

Did you tell me just now that you're going on a date?

Don't worry, I'll identify your body.

Yeah, like I told you, like a week ago.

You did?

Holy shit, did I just time jump?

No, I was exaggerating.

It was like 10 minutes ago.

Oh, thank God.

Thought I was gonna have to call up one

of my buddies at CERN and have him test this.

Okay, just gimme the abridged version,

then I'm gonna eat a chocolate sheet cake.

Well he's, he's funny.

That means he's ugly.

No.

He's cute.

But you said he was funny first.

When you say a guy funny as the first thing to describe him,

that means he's ugly.

Just the way it is, Haze.

Sorry.

Well, he, he likes games.

It'll never work.

You hate games.

That is not strictly true.

Okay.

What was the last game you played?

What is that one with the board and the dice?

It's like all board games ever invented.

Ever.

No, it isn't.

All right, just don't come crying to me

when he asks you what your favorite game is.

He is never going to ask me what my favorite game is.

So what's your favorite game?

Oh, I love them all.

Love games.

Mm, love games.

But not in relationships, I do not do well with that.

I went on this date with this guy online,

and he turned up dressed like a pirate.

What?

And the hat, parrot.

He had a live parrot?

Yes, a real parrot.

And he called me matey, mm-hmm.

Oh my gosh, did he have a pirate ship?

No, no, no, no.

He nicknamed his car the pirate ship.

Oh my gosh.

Well, you know, I also got out of a relationship recently.

Well, it ended about a year ago.

What happened?

I'm not sure.

I thought we were gonna get married, but,

she had this idea of what she wanted me to be,

and, it wasn't me.

She played games.

I think I'm more like you.

You know, I just see things in black and white.

She left me for a friend of mine.

Former friend.

He's a mime.

Well, that's different.

So she left you for your friend?

She sounds like a bitch.

So, you said you worked in an office?

What is it that you do?

Yeah, I work at an insurance company downtown.

Which one?

Current Western.

I've never heard of it.

It's pretty new.

So how's it going?

It's going.

I'll tell you the truth, I can't wait to get out of there.

It's just, it's terrible.

It's destroying my will to live, really.

I look at you and I think.

Well, so what do you see yourself doing?

Well, I want to freelance.

As what?

That's what I need to figure out.

I really like what I do.

But I mean, my life is not perfect either.

There are things missing.

Like what?

Well, I really wanna travel.

Can't you?

Yes and no.

I just, I still need to meet clients face to face.

Couldn't you video chat or something?

Not with all of them.

Well, if you could travel, where would you go?

London, Paris, Berlin?

No, well wait, actually I have been to Paris.

Yeah.

I just never left the hotel.

Really?

Well, you know, I've been to London.

That's where I met Mike.

Is that your roommate?

Yes, against my better judgment.

You know, I love him like a brother, but.

Oh no, I know.

My roommate, Laura?

She is in a class of her own.

So you've got a cool job.

You'd like to travel more.

What else should I know about you?

Any embarrassing secrets you'd like to tell me?

On a first date?

You don't have to, it's okay.

It's okay.

I have an unhealthy obsession with hot sauce.

Which one?

All of them.

I have an emergency stash in my purse.

Wow, okay then.

What about you?

Cheesy tots.

Excuse me?

Love cheesy tots.

Could eat them for every meal.

And then my blood might turn to curds.

I'm afraid of clowns.

Oh really?

Why?

Well, let's just say it reminds me of my dad.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

You're not gonna go running for the hills now, are you?

No.

Take a taxi, it's much faster.

Can I get you anything else?

Just the check, thanks.

Whenever you're ready, no rush.

We should get together sometime, play some games.

You know, just the four of us.

God help us.

Whoa ai.

Yee hi.

All righty.

Brrrrrr.

Osaka.

How are you?

Good.

Thinking about how to take our act to the next level.

Are you watching porn in the living room?

Well done, Einstein.

10 out of 10.

Could you maybe not watch porn in the shared space?

Oh, you're so boring.

What's this one called?

Guess.

No idea.

"Finnegan's Wank."

Oh, so, I've got some news.

You're gonna stop watching porn in the shared space?

Oh, fucking whiny Puritans.

No, I've got us a job.

Great.

What's it this time?

Working in a rodeo?

No.

Where is it?

England.

Seriously?

No, I'm making it up.

Yes, seriously.

Limited run at the Rowntree Theater in London,

and then, a regional tour.

That's good.

I know.

How'd you manage that?

Look, the production company's got an office here,

and in London.

They want us to do a show before they commit.

Rock, and may I also say, roll?

This is fantastic.

Well done buddy.

Thanks, mate.

So we should have a drink to celebrate.

Hey, I don't want to jinx it.

Oh, come on.

I forgot, you're British.

You don't get excited.

Fuck you very much.

I forgot to tell you, I've got some great news, too.

Oh my God.

You, with good news?

I've started dating.

Really?

Anyone I know?

As a matter of fact, remember that gig we did

for that woman with coulrophobia?

Oh yes.

Oh yeah, fuck, she was hot.

Oh no, hang on.

Does she know that you, you know?

No.

No.

Right.

And now you're dating?

Therapists attack.

Okay, well that's great.

I'm really happy for you, that's great.

They're both thrilled.

Okay, time's up.

Good job this week.

You know, we never did have dinner.

I know, it's not that I didn't want to.

I understand.

It's just,

you know?

I know.

Maybe we could draw the line and start again?

What do you say?

You know, I have tons of friends who have kids,

and I've never been to one of their parties.

Just in case.

That's a shame.

I mean, who in their right mind would be a clown anyway?

Exactly.

Clowns are just so stupid.

Yeah, they're losers.

So tell me more about your roommate.

Laura?

God, how much time you got?

Well, she does software things.

She's single.

She is?

It's been three weeks.

Have you told her yet?

We agreed to this.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

You're Mike.

Yeah, hello.

How are you?

I'm good.

Good.

Come on in.

So, I'm really glad you guys could come over.

More than happy to.

Yeah, it was, it was awfully nice of you to invite me.

Awfully.

So where in England are you from, Mike?

He's not from England.

He's from South Africa.

No, he's from England.

Yeah, no, she's right, I'm from England.

But well done for guessing correctly the first time,

by the way, most people don't.

So where are you from in England?

I'm from London.

How simply spiffing, old chap.

Pip pip, cheerio.

So I heard this joke the other day.

There were two old ladies on a beach.

Oh my God, that's so funny.

Go ahead Mike, finish the joke.

No, it's okay.

No, it's okay.

I want to hear it.

Yeah, please finish it.

No, it's fine.

Look, it's been built up now.

Just finish it.

Okay.

There are two old ladies on a beach.

Naked man runs past.

One had a stroke, the other couldn't reach.

Oh my God, one had a stroke.

No she didn't, no darling, she didn't.

She didn't actually have a stroke.

No, she had a stroke.

No, it's a play on words, you see?

Oh yes, okay, yes.

That's very funny.

Well, I liked how it rhymed.

Your people can't spell.

Not according to your dictionary.

You put U in words where it doesn't belong.

Flav-our?

It's flavor.

Don't even get me started on the silent letters.

Why don't you just learn to talk right?

I will if you will.

Do you wanna help me in the kitchen with the pizzas?

Shouldn't we wait for the alarm?

No, they need preparation.

This is going so well.

I know.

Maybe we should just order out.

Not the pizza, the evening.

It's what I meant.

So what do we do?

Tie ourselves to the mast and ride out the storm.

Okay, I don't really know what that means,

but I think that we should stay in here

until we figure something out.

Could be in here a long time.

That's a nice painting.

It's quite warm with the, the yellows.

Actually, it's a little depressing, isn't it?

Because where is everybody?

I mean, two empty chairs and there's a door open.

You said you were gonna call.

Dude, what the eff?

You told me not to.

Did I?

Did I?

Yeah, you did.

Really?

I don't believe you.

Don't you think it's kind of weird

our roommates are dating?

Nope.

But it's kind of a coincidence, right?

So?

Maybe they went to get drinks?

Oh my God, I hope so.

I hope she's not bringing him down.

Look, something I've been wanting to talk to you about?

Since they're not here, it might be a perfect opportunity.

What?

What did you wanna talk to me about?

Well, in the simplest of terms,

I'm falling for you.

What?

I'm sorry, did you just say that you're falling for me?

Well, when I said falling,

the -ing implies a verb used as a present participle.

Oh, really?

Well, did you know that it can also sometimes

be used as an independent noun or adjective?

It can also be used as a gerund.

Well, if I'm being completely honest,

falling isn't just a present participle.

It's also a past-tense word.

Really?

'Cause it's something that happened in the past,

and it's continuing to happen now.

Do you wanna stay over?

Come on.

Oh, I thought you guys went to get drinks.

I went to get something to read so I didn't have

to talk to Mr. Afternoon Tea, I don't know where,

I'm sorry, what's your name again?

Mike, was it?

I don't know where Mike went.

I was just in the loo, bathroom.

Because I had, you know.

Bit of a.

Frog in your throat?

Yes, that's exactly it.

Well, that pizza smells delicious.

I can't believe you were like that tonight.

Like what?

You were being really rude to Mike.

I thought I was being nice.

No, you were being rude.

P.S., I almost punched you in the nuts.

That would've been a neat trick.

Well, I would've bought you a bag of nuts

and then punched you in them.

Yeah, your wife.

She has good taste.

Not in men.

Evening.

So, make yourself useful, give me a drink.

Didn't think you were gonna show.

Neither did I.

Look, we had a thing.

Which time?

Both times.

You were asking for it, but it's not gonna happen again.

You're too needy.

You're a clingy little bitch.

I'm a clingy bitch?

Look, I know you want all of this.

You're only human.

But there's only so much that can go around.

I agree.

Never again.

Why buy the book when you can browse the library?

Exactly.

Howard?

Jesus, how many signals do you need?

What?

Well hang on a second, you said.

Don't tell me what I said.

I need you to put that in there.

Okay, right, right.

Let's drink up.

Do you have a tab open?

No, but I have something else open.

Hi.

Let's go.

Wait, do you have protection?

Shit.

Hit me, hit me.

I love you.

Morning, kitten.

You're up early.

No, you're up late.

Depends on the time zone.

Well, in this one you're up late.

Sorry mom, won't happen again.

Until next time.

So, you slept with Oscar yet?

I'm still pissed about the other night.

Why?

What did he do?

He didn't do anything, I'm talking about you.

What the hell did I do?

Oh, that.

You take things too seriously.

Listen, have you slept with him yet or not?

What?

No.

Look, Mother Teresa, you need to sleep with a guy

to get rid of that sexual tension.

You know, show off a bit of tittage.

Don't wear jeans, you need to make it easy

for him to access the poo-swa.

Don't make this about me.

It is about you.

You're gonna need to see if he's actually interested

in you, or if he just wants to see your titty-lalas.

Ah, how's the arm?

It's like the doctor drilled a spear through my tricep.

Is that a euphemism?

No.

Oh, yeah.

I had an injection like that one before I came here.

Forgot to warn you.

Fuck you very much.

You're welcome.

UK immigration said they'll set me up

with an interview date, so, now we wait.

Great.

You know, Denver always wanted to go to England.

Really?

With the greatest respect, shut the fuck up.

You know, I can't help it.

They like the same things, Denver and Hazel.

Look, you've got to stop thinking about her.

If you don't stop thinking about her mate,

she's gotta play on your mind.

I'm fine, okay?

It's fine.

What are you, 12?

Cute, nice.

I think I'll order the medium thin crust four cheese pizza.

You just said, "Maybe we should get some new friends."

Why would we do that?

I don't know.

I kind of like the ones we have right now.

Don't you?

Are you feeling okay?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

Where were we?

God, you make me sick.

So what's your favorite type of music?

Are you listening to me?

Hey.

What were you saying?

I said, are you listening to me?

I was asking about your favorite type of music.

Do you prefer her to me?

Yes.

Yes, yes?

Who?

Yes, I think we should continue.

Okay, good.

I'm glad to know you've been listening.

Hazel, do you, do you see?

Do I see what?

What's going on?

Nothing, nothing.

Favorite type of music, right?

Well, I am partial to the blues,

naturally, being a Chicagoan.

Do you think she's more attractive than me?

I mean, she's taller, I'll give her that.

You know, I've been also trying to get

into some other types of music recently.

Her boobs are bigger.

I thought you preferred smaller ones.

Well, I like big ones now.

Big ones?

Oh, yeah.

It's a new indie rock band.

Big Ones, yeah.

Oh my God.

They're fake.

They are not fake.

What are not fake?

The cheeses on this pizza, made from real cheese, milk.

None of that weird, fake vegan stuff.

Oh, weird.

Speaking of weird?

She's blonde, not your type.

Right.

I will not be ignored.

You know, are you free tomorrow?

Are you sure you're feeling okay?

I'm in your memory.

Yeah, you know, I'm sorry, but I just remembered

that I have to be somewhere.

I'll see you tomorrow, okay?

Sure.

Hi.

Hey girl, hey.

Some flowers came for you today.

Oh, who are they from?

I don't know, let me guess.

Oh, that's right.

I don't have that ability.

Well, there's usually a note with them.

It's true, it did.

It said "From You Know Who."

God, he is romantic, isn't he?

Well, where are they?

In the toilet.

What?

We don't have a vase.

That's pretty.

You know, my grandmother gave this to me

for my birthday last year.

You remember my birthday last year, right?

You passed out all over the bathroom floor.

Did I tell you my grandma's having an eye operation?

Oh, is it serious?

Kind of.

She has a detached rectum, so if she doesn't

have the surgery, she'll go blind.

I think you mean she has a detached retina.

Retina, rectum.

Either way, it's hard for her to see.

Did you make this?

I figured guacamole would be a good test.

Test?

They say if you can eat messy food with somebody,

you've seen them at the worst.

Eating guacamole is me at my worst.

I like your worst.

Oh, worst job ever?

I once was a sports mascot.

I played a dog.

What was it for?

Just some promotional event.

Did your dog have a name?

Snuffles.

You were a dog named Snuffles?

I was.

That sounds cute.

What was so bad about it?

I threw up in my helmet.

Did they see you do it?

No.

Ha, they found out about it afterward.

Oh, and there was a little kid

who headbutted me in the nuts.

Yeah, you can laugh, but I seriously wondered

if I'd ever be able to have kids.

And can you?

What about you, huh?

What's your worst job?

I worked in a lemon as a carnie.

What?

No joke.

Fresh squeezed lemonade.

You sold lemonade at a carnival?

Oh, and, also, worked in a cheese curd stand.

I had to put the cheese in the batter,

the batter in the fryer like that.

Sounds pretty awful.

I think you win.

Oh, you've got something on your cheek there.

Oh, is it gone?

No, here, let me get it.

Can we just be completely honest with each other?

Absolutely.

Is there anything that I need to know?

No, not that I can think of.

Oh, there is one thing.

What?

I adore you.

Is a kiss okay?

Yeah.

Sorry, I used to be able to do this with one hand.

Okay, no pressure.

Hold on, I almost, is there like a button or something?

No, I don't wanna kill the moment,

but you're really cutting off my circulation.

I'm so sorry.

No, it's okay, here.

Sorry.

No problem.

There, now.

Where were we?

Where were we?

You know, it's just kind of struck me

how disgusting this is?

Well, you picked it.

Not the flavor.

The fact that I'm eating ice cream on the john.

Well, that could be worse.

You could be,

you know, using it.

That would be worse.

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, I totally forgot.

Thank you for my gift.

You must think I'm such a terrible person.

Your gift?

You know what gift.

I do?

The flowers, silly.

Oh yeah.

Flowers, of course.

Oh, you're welcome.

Are you ready for the best dating advice ever?

Okay, I'll humor you.

Okay, this will help you figure out

if he's going to cheat on you.

How would I ever know that without a lie detector?

And even then, I don't.

Okay, if it doesn't work, it'll be one for the rub tub.

What is a rub tub?

Rub tub.

You know, rub tub.

Oh, Jesus.

Just, what's the advice?

Okay, if your guy's junk is extra large,

he's gonna cheat on you.

But doesn't that go against, size matters?

Not really.

If his penis is wide and his balls are big,

then there's your cheater right there.

Science, my friend.

Science.

Hello.

Hi.

What were you doing?

Oh, well, I was just

looking at your penis.

You were what?

I was looking at your penis.

But haven't you seen it already?

No, look, guys with larger than average testicles

and wide penises are the most likely to cheat.

Laura told me, and it was in some magazine,

and of course, I don't believe it for a second,

and it's such a stupid idea.

But you thought you'd check anyway?

Well, yeah.

No, I mean,

yeah, I guess.

Wait.

And what was your conclusion?

Well, let's just say that

you are

average.

No, no, God no.

I don't mean like average, average.

No, I don't mean that.

What I want to say is that,

you know,

everything looks good.

Can we go back to sleep now?

Oh dear God, yes.

Don't forget, we've got a meeting tomorrow

about the England job.

What time?

12 til two.

I'm supposed to meet Hazel for lunch.

Cancel it.

Cancel it?

Yeah.

She'll understand, you've got a prior engagement.

Look, I'm getting pretty serious about her.

You're dating her now, but by the end of the year,

you'll be bonking some cute little limey.

Pretty happy with the way things are.

What do you want for lunch?

Don't mind me, you just check your phone.

Sorry, I was just checking the time.

Do you have someplace to be?

No.

Un-fucking-believable.

The best you can come up with is, sorry.

It went out of my head.

How the fuck can it go out of your head?

Jesus, I didn't think Hazel was gonna be a problem.

Things are different.

You can say that again.

You're acting like a fucking horny teenager.

I'm not going to England.

You can't just pull out of the visa process.

Why not?

If you pull out now, they're gonna make it

really difficult for you later.

I'll cross that bridge, if I ever come to it.

Comedy's what we do.

We create laughter.

If we don't do that, then what the fuck are we?

We're clowns.

Oh, fuck you.

Mike.

So did you check out his, you know, peeny?

I am never listening to you ever again.

You guys up for another round?

Yeah.

Okay, it's a government job.

President.

No, they run into burning buildings.

Twats.

Yes, but they rescue people.

Superheroes.

Superheroes is a government job?

Silly Brit.

No, they,

they have big, long hoses.

Firemen.

Yes.

Okay, he comes from a country that,

historically, your people don't like.

Wales.

No, the other one.

Scotland.

No.

Ireland.

Australia.

Germany?

We're gonna be here all night.

There are a lot of countries.

America.

Shh.

Bonjour.

Oh, France.

Yes, okay.

French Revolution.

Napoleon.

Yes.

Time's up.

God, that was a long list.

There's a lot of people we don't like.

Okay, so in that round, you scored three.

Oscar, we can beat that.

All right.

Everybody quiet.

Nobody said anything.

Oh, you can pick another one.

You don't have to do that one.

It's okay, I'm sure I can figure it out.

Okay.

Children love you.

Bullshit.

Candy.

No, you turn up at special events.

Santa Claus.

No.

Tooth fairy.

No, you're popular amongst big groups of kids.

Chicken pox.

I'm a person, Mike.

Not in some people's eyes.

Not helping.

You're an entertainer.

Magician?

No.

Face painter.

No.

Puppets?

No, you don't like them.

Spiders?

Spiders entertain children?

I need a better clue.

Oh, I got it.

What, what?

What is that?

It was a clue.

No, what is that?

Oh, it's a kazoo.

Why do you have it?

And why were you playing that tune?

So what's the answer?

A clown.

So?

Everybody knows that tune, they play it at the circus.

But why do you have a kazoo?

What are you getting at?

I'm just saying it's weird, and,

well, I had a therapy session, and they brought

in these two clowns, and they played that tune.

So?

So, it's weird, is what I'm saying.

There's no way that he could have known that, right?

I think you're being unreasonable.

I've never seen where you work.

I've never seen where you work.

I work here.

Look, I get where you're coming from, but I just happen

to own a kazoo.

Mike bought it for me.

Yeah, I bought him the kazoo.

Why?

Why not?

I mean, look at him.

Big fat fingers, long tall drink of piss.

There's no way he can play a real instrument though, right?

So eloquent.

And to think, this little stubby toad came

from the same place that gave us Shakespeare.

That was a shitty thing you guys did.

You're the worst.

Yeah?

Blow me.

Maybe I'm just tired.

I'm probably overreacting, I'm sorry.

I don't really think that you're a clown.

Thank you.

No more of a clown than Laura here, or Mike.

While we're on the subject, Hazel,

how do you feel about clown fish?

Ha ha.

You wanna get together next week?

Sure.

What do you wanna do?

I know someone who's having a house party.

We could go there.

Sounds good.

Good.

Hey.

What I said the other day about clowning?

I didn't mean it.

I mean, I feel like here.

Is she here?

Don't know.

Okay.

Hello darling.

Hi.

Hey, Mike.

Hey.

Did you bring wine?

Yeah, of course, everybody brings wine.

Exactly.

So you're basically saying to the hostess,

your choice of wine sucks.

Mine's better.

No.

What sort of wine did you bring?

Brought a rosé.

Oh, Buddha.

What is it with you and rosé?

What did you bring?

Well, I am going to go open the rosé,

and I will pour you a drink.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Got the gig rearranged.

You did?

Yep.

Hey, where's Laura?

What do you mean?

You know what I mean.

I got you a drink.

Oh, thanks love.

Oh, love, rehashing old times already.

Holy shit.

Hello, Oscar.

Michael.

There are only three people in the world

that call me that.

My parents and a small, curly-haired dwarf.

Oh, I didn't see you there, Denver.

I stand corrected.

I saw you, but you got overlooked.

Oh, still as witty as ever.

Where's Xander Black?

I thought you liked the strong silent type.

Ugh, it's not working out, he's somewhere.

It's mine.

But on another level.

Oh my God.

That's a shame, considering you spent more time

on your back than Michelangelo did

with the Sistine Chapel.

Oh, there's that Irish charm.

Not Irish, I'm English.

All the same, isn't it Michael?

Why don't you get a fishing rod

and stand in a garden somewhere?

Are you going to introduce me?

I'm his past.

You are?

His present, and his future.

This is Denver.

Presumably named after the city you were conceived in?

That's a little personal, don't you think?

Well, could be worse, could be Oshkosh.

Whoa, I see what you did there.

I'll leave you to it.

Hang on, Hazel.

Who's she?

You already discovered that.

It's a simple question, you don't have to be hostile.

Hostile?

What a fucking joke.

So delicately put, as always.

Who do you even know at this party?

Chicago's a small city.

No, it isn't.

Comparatively speaking.

Compared to what?

Before you started acting like this, I was going

to tell you that I made a mistake.

What about Xander Black?

That's an impulsive fling.

An impulsive fling?

It was 18 months.

Yes.

You bought a house together.

Yes, that was impulsive.

Unbelievable.

You hurt me.

I can't believe those words are coming outta your mouth.

You told me that you were going to be successful.

When did I say that?

We were gonna do all these things, but not until you had

a nationally recognized show.

That's something you wanted from me.

I never could have guaranteed that.

I have come to realize

that I still love you.

You're telling me this now?

Better now than not at all.

Is she accepting of?

Hazel.

Is Hazel accepting of who you are?

There's not that many of us around.

Oh, that's unfortunate.

Oscar?

Oscar?

I still love you.

You know, if I had known that your ex-girlfriend

was going to be there, I could have been more prepared.

Hey, I didn't know she was gonna be there.

Look, I don't want you to be concerned.

I haven't seen her in a long time.

What did she even say?

She asked if we wanted to get back together.

It's ridiculous.

And?

And?

What do you mean and?

And I told her it's over, I've moved on.

No, your ex-girlfriend is here.

You have a chance to bail.

I don't want that.

You don't?

No.

Well, I don't want it either.

This is, this is a big deal for me.

I love you.

I love you too.

Can we just go home?

Of course.

You said you loved me.

As I recall, you said the feeling was mutual.

It is.

Do you love me more than ice cream?

Who says I love ice cream?

Oh, you stabbed me in back.

Do you love me more than the food here?

That's difficult, it's pretty good.

Oscar.

Oscar.

How do they know your name?

Oscar.

This must be a different Oscar.

Oscar Davis.

I don't know them.

We know you from clowning.

Hey lady, he's a keeper.

Tell Mike I said hi.

I can explain.

Can we just be completely honest with each other?

I'm afraid of clowns.

I mean, who, their right mind would be a clown?

No more of a clown than Laura, here.

Flowers, of course.

What is it that you do?

Come on.

No, I can't.

Hey.

Hey ya.

Thanks very much for coming in.

I'm Amy Grantham, Head of Entertainment

for the US division of HRP Enterprises.

These are my assistants, Tom and Chuck.

We understand you have a show for us today?

Yes, we do.

Good.

You ready?

Okay.

Take a look at it.

My God.

Come on.

Take a look at it, come on now.

I don't think you're being honest with yourself.

What's it really going to do?

Nothing.

It's okay.

You're all right, you're doing okay.

On a scale of one to 10.

Eight.

Okay.

I think that's all for this week.

You're making definite progress.

I think it was a good idea having those two clowns come in.

Maybe we should do it again.

Once was enough.

Of course, this shouldn't be torture.

It may feel like it at times.

One last question.

Did you get the flowers?

There was a note, "You Know Who."

That was you?

Look, we had something once.

Why can't we again?

I don't know.

Well, it was fun.

We had fun, didn't we?

Yeah.

Remember we stayed up talking until dawn, like teenagers.

I was so tired.

What a night it was.

You know, don't take this the wrong way, but,

I think that you are

in love with the idea of me,

someone that you can rescue.

But, I'm not that person anymore.

I know.

Which is why I think we should start fresh.

What do you say?

Well.

We'll do it correctly this time.

Come on.

Make a decision.

I'm going to.

How hard can it be?

Now I'm feeling a lot of pressure.

Pressure.

There's no pressure.

Okay, I appreciate all that you've done

and the support that you've given me,

but I,

it was just that one time.

For God's sake, make a decision.

If you don't, you'll be a fucking coward.

We both know that that is bullshit.

I shouldn't have even come back here.

I don't need you.

Have a nice life.

Come on.

Okay.

Oscar's outside singing.

Holy shit.

Hey.

This whole relationship was based on a lie.

Depends what your definition of lying is.

Oh, so you're not a clown.

Wait, what are you asking me?

Will you be my fuck buddy

until the end of time,

and a bit longer?

Okay, I'm into it.

But being a clown is what makes my life worth living.

I bring joy to people's lives.

I get excited to do this.

And then you came into my life,

and you brought such joy into mine.

And you accept me for who I am.

I don't even know who you are.

Look, I know I should have been honest with you.

No, you've been lying to me this whole time.

And then you show up here today as a clown.

I'm not magically cured.

And I don't know if I can handle you

doing anything that you do like this.

But,

I love you,

and I want to be with you,

and, I'm willing to make this work, and to try to be better.

But you have to be honest with me, you cannot lie.

Maybe me being with a clown is like,

oh my God, like complete madness, but,

I would also be with the man, and that's who I want

to be with, and spend my life with.

There is one more thing.

Mike and I have a have a job

in England.

In England?

Look, I love you too.

This is really important to me.

Birthday parties are great and all,

but I wanna do something that'll leave a legacy.

Do you understand that?

I really need this,

and, it's gonna be a while.

For how long?

Six months, maybe a year.

Well,

that's great.

I'm really happy for you.

Come with me.

To England?

Why not?

I'll have to think about it.