Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

# It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas. #

GIRL: # It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

# Toys in every store

# But the prettiest sight to see

# Is the holly that will be

# On your own front door

# A pair of hop-along boots and a pistol that shoots

# Is the wish of Barney and Ben

# Dolls that'll talk and will go for a walk

# Is the hope of Janice and Jen

# And Mom and Dad can hardly wait for school to start again

# It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

# Everywhere you go

# There's a tree in the Grand Hotel

# One in the park as well

# The sturdy kind that doesn't mind the snow #

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

# It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

# Soon the bells will start

# And the thing that'll make 'em ring

# Is the carol that you sing #

(GASPS) Oh, is this for me?

Oh!

Merry Christmas.

What a...

..load of old crap.

If I had wanted sickly sweet, sentimental garbage.

I'd have got John Lewis to make it. (PHONE CHIMES)

But we thought, because Christmas is about kindness and warmth

and community spirit- Cobblers.

Christmas isn't about spirit.

Christmas is about shopping and stress and over-consumption.

It's about traffic jams and family arguments.

It's about boring office parties and hangovers.

And most importantly for us,

it's about spending money that you don't have

on useless presents you find online at 03:00 in the morning,

for that cousin you secretly hate.

That's what Christmas is really about,

and that's what we're going to cash in on.

So you want something more exploitative and commercial?

Exactly.

But with a joke at the end because, you know,

'tis the season to be jolly.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

But, Ms Mackay, I really think... Call me Carole.

Carole, I really think what the consumers-

I don't care what you think.

I'm Christmas Carole.

My company is called Christmas Carole,

and that's why at Christmas Carole,

we sell single-use Christmas products.

Wrapping paper, decorations, novelty gifts.

Let's not call it that. Let's call it Seasonal Homeware.

Cheap tat.

You see these? We make these for 20p, and we sell them £6.99.

And everyone will get through at least three

because they are utter rubbish.

Now, what do you think will happen to our profit margins

people start making this rubbish for themselves?

(PHONE RINGING)

Merry Christmas to you, too.

Come on, Bobbie.

I didn't think the ad was that bad.

Oh, I liked the old man, he was lonely and sweet.

Didn't you feel sorry for him? No, he looked like a loser.

Oh, no cash. Have you got a card reader?

No? Shame.There you go. (CAROLLERS SING AWAY IN A MANGER)

That's probably why he's on his own. His wife left him.

She'd had enough of the endless cycle of misery and poverty

and got the hell out of there. Hopefully she took the kids with her.

Can you believe it's snowing?! I know.

Maybe we should think about the whole reusing-recycling angle.

I don't know if you had a chance to look at my presentation

but I got another copy here. If you wanted to have a look.

Bobbie, stop being such a misery, it's Christmas.

Look, I care about the planet. I do. I watch David Attenborough,

and I met Greta Doodah.

This just doesn't fit with the Christmas Carole business model.

And changing the Christmas Carole business model

is a huge undertaking.

It's hardly something I'm gonna do on the day I'm selling the company.

You're selling the company?

Limpopo are buying me out.

Limpopo?! The massive American online retailer?

No, the river in Africa.

The deal goes through at midnight tonight.

Wow.I'm giving myself a £100 million for Christmas.

100 million!

Wow! I know.

Carole, Carole, can you at least- Bobbie. Not now.

Look, Carole, what about the rest of the staff?

Who cares?

Oh, Bobbie, not you, obviously.

I need you to do all the boring stuff.

Now there's a live-stream event tonight

at the Limpopo Building, to announce the deal.

Starts at 8:00, be there at 7:30.

Don't be late.

What? Wait. No, Carole, I can't...

What about... (SIGHS)

It's Christmas Eve!

# LADY A: Holly Jolly Christmas. Have a holly, jolly Christmas

# It's the best time of the year

# Now I don't know if there'll be snow

# But have a cup of cheer

# Have a holly, jolly Christmas

# And in case you didn't hear

# Oh, by golly, have a holly, jolly Christmas

# This year

# Santa Claus is coming to town #

Oh, no.

Hey, sis.

Gonna invite us in?

(LIFT DINGS)

It's Christmas Eve. We thought we'd come down to London

you know, see the lights and...

Boys, remember what I said earlier. Woah, this place looks amazing.

Don't touch anything. Guys.

Oh, this TV is amazing. BOY: Woah!

Don't bounce that ball inside. Imagine playing FIFA on this.

This place is awesome. WOMAN: Be careful. Be careful.

There's a pool and gym downstairs. It's got everything.

Sam! That fruit's for adults.

No decorations? I don't do decorations.

Ah, you should try it. We make our own.

I think if was going to ruin the decor

with a load of gaudy tat, Rita,

I'd use my own brand.

I think ours look great.

Well, the kids make 'em.

Well, kids make my decorations, too.

Come on, throw it here.

Mind that ball, lad.

CAROLE: I said no football.

Well, that's a shame.

We got you a Christmas present, Aunty Carole.

The boys made it.

It... It's recycled wool.

Who wants to watch my new TV? "He just kinda went (BOOM)"

Oh, cool!

So, look, the real reason we came by

was to, erm, to ask if you wanted to come to ours

for Christmas dinner tomorrow. I'm busy.

I know Christmas is always going to be difficult for us.

Not for me.

I've made a lot of money out of it.

But it's time to see your family.

Well, I've seen you now, and...

..our mother's dead, so...

And what about our father? I don't have a father.

(SCOFFS)

You mean Leon?

It's been 20 years. I thought it might be time to move on.

Well, you thought wrong.

Besides, I don't think I could face Rita's plant-based roast turkey.

Plant-based food will save the planet.

But it tastes like crap.

And nobody likes your vegan mince pies either.

I like them. He doesn't.

Anyway, I expect you'll be wanting to get back.

That road will be getting busy. The one that leads to...

..wherever it is you live.

Doesn't Christmas mean anything to you?

Oh, Rita.

Christmas is a lie.

It's a lie made up by German royals,

and American corporations and Charles bloody Dickens.

If people are stupid enough to think that putting up a dead tree

and buying overpriced rubbish

made in Chinese sweatshops by a bunch of eight-year olds

is enough to help them summon up a few days of Christmas spirit,

then I will happily take their money.

Please, Carole, just come home.

It's important.

Come on, kids. Come on, We're going.

SAM: Oh, I was watching that.

Come on, let's go. Now.

What time's our train? Why are you taking off now?

Does she's really have this place to herself?

Oh, here.

Here's your present.

There's a message in there for you.

No, there isn't.

# CAROL OF THE BELLS. Sweet silver bells, all seem to say

# Throw cares away, Christmas is here

# Bringing good cheer, to young and old

# Meek and the bold, ding, dong, ding, dong

# That is their song, with joyful ring

# All carolling, one seems to hear words of good cheer

# From everywhere, filling the air

# O, how they pound, raising the sound

# Over hill and dale, telling their tale

# Gaily they ring, while people sing

# Songs of good cheer, Christmas is here!

# Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas!

# Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas!

# On, on they send, on without end

# Their joyful tone, to every home

# Hark, how the bells, sweet silver bells

# All seem to say, throw cares away

# Christmas is here, bringing good cheer

# To young and old, meek and the bold

# Ding, dong, ding, dong, that is their song

# With joyful ring, all carolling

# One seems to hear words of good cheer

# From everywhere, filling the air

# O, how they pound, raising the sound

# Over hill and dale, telling their tale

# Gaily they ring, while people sing

# Songs of good cheer, Christmas is here!

# Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas! #

Call Bobbie. (PHONE CHIMES) "Calling Bobbie."

# ...on without end

# Their joyful tone, to every home

# On, on they send, on without end

# Their joyful tone, to every home. #

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello. Oh, Bobbie.

Oh.

Hiya. Are you on your way?

I need you to pick up some more of my pills.

Hi, Carole.

Sort of. Well... Not exactly.

What does that mean?

Well, I know you wanted me

at the live-stream thing tonight, I- Stop, stop.

(SIGHS) I know what you're going to say.

You want to be with your kids?

(SIGHS) I do, I do.

It's Christmas.

They want their mum at home.

I understand.

Oh. Thank you.

Thank you, Carole.

And the answer's, "no."

Please, Carole. You don't need me there.

Look, you'll be fine. You can do this.

No, Bobbie, the kids will be fine.

Kids are tough.

You know I value loyalty above everything else.

I can't, Carole.

I'm sorry, I...

I can't.

So am I.

You're fired.

What? I said you're fired.

You can't be serious. Oh, I am.

You're right. I don't need you.

I'm about to get 100 million quid.

I don't need anybody.

Why is the money so important to you?

You've got millions.

Because life's a competition, Bobbie.

Whoever has the most money at the end, wins.

There is nothing else.

Please, Carole. It's Christmas Eve.

Please, Carole, I thought we were fr-

(GRUNTS)

(MUFFLED CHEERING)

Hello?

Anyone there?

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

Hello.

(GASPS)

Hiya!

Mum.

Hiya, sweetheart.

B... Are...

Are you... Still dead?

Yeah, babe. Very much so.

Now, I've come back to tell you something very important.

(PANTING)

You don't look dead. Thank you.

If you remember, I did have quite a bit of work done.

All guaranteed, non-biodegradable.

(CHUCKLES) Ooh.

Oh, my God!

(SCREAMS)

Oh!

Listen to me, sweetheart, we don't have much time.

After tonight, you will never see me again.

Ever.

This is the last chance I've got to explain things.

To tell you about the mistakes I made.

I don't understand.

(IN DEMONIC VOICE) It is required of every man,

that the spirit within him

should walk abroad among his fellow men.

What?

And if that spirit goes not forth in life,

it is condemned to do so after death.

Why are you talking like that?

(NORMAL VOICE) I have no idea,

it just feels appropriate for some reason.

I know what's going on.

You're last husband was Philip Marley.

So you're Jackie Marley. Marley as in the other Marley.

Bob? No, Jacob.

"A Christmas Carol." The Book.

The stupid book that Ade gave me.

Jacob Marley tells Scrooge to be a nicer person,

and to buy a turkey for Tiny Tim, who's in a wheelchair or something.

Hmm, is that it?

Not exactly.

I'm hallucinating. I'm dehydrated.

Listen to me, you silly cow.

(GASPS) This is your last chance to change.

To stop obsessing about money all the time.

Coming from you?

OK. So I married a couple of rich fellas after your father.

But that's what I want to talk to you about.

It doesn't matter how you got it.

You had it.

And that's what counts.

What was it you used to say?

Whoever has the most at the end is the winner.

Well, maybe I was wrong about that.

It's not all I was wrong about.

Where you going? It's fine. I know the story,

I'll be visited by three ghosts.

(IN DEMONIC VOICE) You don't understand.

I won't be visited by three ghosts?

Well, yes, but there's more to it than that.

Christmas Past, Christmas Present, Christmas Yet To Come.

(GASPS) Stop doing that!

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Caroline Mackay, you will do as you're told.

Tonight you will receive three visitations.

Carole, wait!

You will listen to me.

(IN DEMONIC VOICE) I'm your mother!

(GASPS)

(COMICAL MUSIC)

Bobbie, are you there?

Where the hell is my car?

And why aren't you picking up?

(SIGHS)

What am I supposed to do now, Bobbie?

I really need this cab.

Yes. So do I.

No, look. (SIGHS) Oh, I get it,

you're in a wheelchair and what have you, but...

..I've got a lot of mental stuff.

To do with the stress of me selling my company,

and I've had a really bad reaction to my pills.

So, you know, in a way, I'm disabled, too.

Pre-booked. Sorry.

W- So what am I supposed to do?

Get the tube.

(SIGHS) You've got to be joking.

(COUGHS)

(MAN SINGING) # Silent night

# Holy night

# All is calm #

Read the room.

(CHEERING)

Merry Christmas!

(SOUND DISTORTS) (LAUGHING)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(INDISTINCT SINGING)

(DISTORTED) # Bring me laughter

# All the while

# In this world where we live...

(BECOMES INDISTINCT)

# ..to each brand new bright tomorrow. #

Excuse me, young sir. We're looking for the one

they call Christmas Carole.

That's me. Told you, Ern.

He thought you were Des O'Connor. Yeah.

You're actually Eric Morecambe?

Oh, yes. And he's Ernie Wise.

Delighted to meet you, Miss Christmas.

But you're both dead. She's quick. I'll give her that.

What's happening to me? She hasn't got it yet, has she?

No, I don't think he has.

We're the ghosts of Christmas Past, sunbeam.

(GASPS)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(DISTANT APPLAUSE)

Am I asleep?

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the show.(APPLAUSE)

She's much nicer than I thought she'd be.

Means nothing, Ern, absolutely nothing.

I said the same thing when I first met you.

Look how that turned out. (CROWD LAUGHING)I'm only joking!

He's a smashing little fella. Aren't you, eh?

He's a smashing little fella.

His wig moved then, did you see? Tonight, ladies and gentlemen,

we shall be performing a very special play.

What I myself wrote with my very own pen.

He's a great writer, is Ern.

He does all his own postcards. It's an adaptation

of the Dickens classic, A Christmas Carol,

entitled: A Christmas Carol.

I shall be playing the part of Ebenezer Dickens,

the famous writer and skinflint...

You'll be good at that. It's exciting, is this.

I'm excited. Are you excited?

Miss Christmas, you'll be playing the part of Tiny Tim,

the little orphan boy who asks for more.

But first, ladies and gentlemen, we shall be performing for you-

Hold it, hold it hold it, hold it, hold it, sunshine.

Hold it, sunshine. (CLEARS THROAT)

Whom am I playing?

You're not in it.

Not in it? No. There's no part for you.

Did you know about this? Or maybe I'm dead.

I know how you feel. How could you not write a part for me?

I'm your best friend. I'm your only friend.Sorry.

I see. Well. (AUDIENCE AWS)

I'll just go then, shall I?

(LAUGHS) Eric, stop!

I'm only kidding. Eh?

I'm only kidding, of course there's a part for you.

You had me fooled there. (BOTH LAUGH)

He's wearing his best one. It arrived this morning.

All the way from Axminster. On its own.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I used to watch you both on TV every Christmas, without fail.

Even the repeats.

Until I didn't.

Oh, I see.

And we're here to revisit those Christmases.

You said that without moving your lips. Did you see?

Wait, what Christmases? You're doing it now.

"The terrifying- The frightening thing for me-

"In addition, fairly windy.

"You pick someone in the audience, make a funny remark about them.

"Everybody laughs, they're on your side."

That's me.

Behold. These are but shadows of the things that have been.

They have no consciousness of us.

"I'm begging you..."

They can't see you.

"Don't go, Jackie. I love you."

"Oh, Des! Short for desperate. Right, that's the one."

Fine. Go then, do what you like.

I really don't care.

(PASSING SIREN BLARES)

He's not gonna sell much ice cream going at that speed, is he?

(CHUCKLES)

Bye-bye, Ade.

Mommy's leaving now.

Where you going?

I'm going on a bit of a holiday.

To Wales?

Not that kind of holiday, sweetheart.

Mommy loves you very much. You know that, don't ya?

Say something to her.

Say something to her!

ADE: TV's gone off again.

(SIGHS)

That's because it's cheap and rented,

like everything else in this house.

It's just the meter.

We need another 50p. Come and help me look.

That's Leon.

Always scrabbling around for the next 50p.

I think I've just found one. Wah-hey-hey!

(BOTH LAUGH)

Can I come with ya?

No, sweetheart.

Why not?

Ask your dad.

# There may be trouble ahead

# But while there's moonlight

# and music, and love, and romance

(ERN AND ERIC) # Let's face the music and dance

# You were meant for me #

Straight to the right, let's sway.

# I was meant for you

# Nature fashioned you

# And when she was done

# You're all the sweet things

# Rolled into one #

OK. I...

Ooh! # Plaintive melody #

I just want to know why all this is happening.

Hello? Don't you get it?

This is how you escape that.

All the, you know, with what's-her-name,

and the other fella. Eh?

# You're adorable B!

# You're so beautiful C!

# You're a cutie full of charms

OK, I think...

# A! You're adorable

# B! # Not a chance!

# F! You're a feather in my arms

Look, I just want to know what all of this got to do

with me selling my company?

# ..the alphabet with you

# But what are we going to do about him? #

(CAROLE'S DAD CHEERS AND LAUGHS)

# SHAKIN' STEVENS: Merry Christmas Everyone. #

# ..underneath the mistletoe #

Oh! (CHUCKLING)

Hey!

Whoo!

Oh, careful.

Oh. Here we come.

(DOOR BELL RINGING)

Get that will you, Carole?

BOTH: Ho! Ho! Ho!

(ALL LAUGHING) Hey, hey!

Merry Christmas, you muppet!

Merry Christmas, you wazzock!

No need to get us a drink. Yeah, we can help ourselves.

Oh, and not forgetting our contribution to the buffet.

Mi casa, you casa.

Good lad. Hey, brought you 50p for the meter as well.

Brilliant. 50p! (LAUGHS)

Hey, come through, we're going to do charades.

Hey, kiddo.

Hey, I love Christmas, mate!

They all felt sorry for me.

Hate people feeling sorry for me.

(PHONE RINGING) Get the phone, will you, Carole.

Everyone's here, like always.

Aunty Kath came from Wallasey

with her stew.

Where are you, Mum?

Mum's in Malaga. With Dave.

Lucky Dave.

I wish I could be there with you.

OK.

I understand. Bye, Mum.

MAN: Carole. We've offered your dad a job down in London with us,

doing some plastering. And he could make loads of money.

What do you think?

Nah, you're alright.

It's sounds too much like hard work.

(CAROLE SIGHS) Lazy git.

Cheers. Cheers.

ADE: Dad! Carole! Morecambe and Wise are on the telly!

MAN: # Bring me sunshine

# All the while

(MORECAMBE AND WISE LAUGHING)

Come on. You love Morecambe and Wise, don't ya?

Well, come on. After you.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Why, if it isn't little Tiny Tim

from ye olde Victorian times.

Please, sir, can I have some more?

I think you're getting Tiny Tim mixed up with Oliver Twist.

Shh, you'll hurt his feelings. He's a sensitive little soul.

What are these? Bongos?

Just watch it, that's all.

WHAT are these?

They are bongos!

Well, does he know you've got them?

Does he know you've got them, eh?

This is gold dust, this is. It's your line.

I don't understand what all this is supposed to show me.

My mother left, my father was a loser. I knew all that already.

That's not it.

Being poor is rubbish. I knew that, too.

You don't need to speak to me about poverty, sunshine.

We used to work at the BBC. Being poor drove my mum away.

Being poor was my whole childhood. That's not it either.

You may have been poor, but were you happy?

How could I have been happy when we were so poor?

The real question is, how can you be unhappy when you're so rich?

(BELL TOLLS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

MAN 1: Christmas... MAN 2: Snowman. Singing.

Song? Singing in the rain.

(IMITATING BABY CRYING) (SHIVERS) Ooh.

Ice Ice Baby. Frozen.

No! Baby, it's cold outside.

(ALL SIGHING) It's obvious.

ALL: Oh.

Has, er, has anyone got 50p for the meter?

Oh, thanks.

Unbelievable.

Baby. Cold.

(ALL CHEERING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

("STAY ANOTHER DAY" BY EAST 17 PLAYING SOFTLY)

This is when I left home, I started my own business.

Mail-order stocking fillers. Erns got two of those.

They're short, fat and hairy! (BOTH LAUGH)

I'm going down to London. I've got friends there.

What you mean, friends? Carole.

Carole!

Can they afford to put you up, can they?Can you?

What do you think I've been doing?

Fishing with his mates and watching telly, mostly.

I fed ya, I clothed ya.

You've never wanted for anything. (BOTH SCOFF)

We had holidays. One week in Anglesey.

Every single year. I thought you liked Anglesey.

BOTH: I hated it.

YOUNG CAROLE: I hate this house.

I hate this life! I could have been with mum

in a massive house in Spain, with a pool.

But you had to keep us here with you, just to spite her.

Because you couldn't bear to see her win.

I did my best.

Maybe your best ain't enough. It weren't enough for mum.

Fine.

You do what you like, Carole. I don't really care.

What's going on?

She's leaving, son.

Carole?

Bye, Ade.

# Won't you stay another day? Stay now! #

Ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of our show.

I'd like to thank our very special guest, Miss Carole Christmas.

Have you had a nice time? Not really. (AUDIENCE AWS)

She doesn't look happy. She must have seen her fee.

We thought you'd like seeing your Christmases past.

You showed me all the wrong Christmases.

We showed you all the right Christmases,

but not necessarily in the right order.

I'll give you that, sunshine. I'll give you that.

Oh. We're off now. You have to go that way.

Where will you go?

To join all the other ghosts of light entertainment.

You don't mean... (CHUCKLES)

..ITV? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

# MORECAMBE & WISE: Bring Me Sunshine. #

# Bring me laughter

# All the while #

(MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY) (GASPS)

(PANTING)

WOMAN: They usually open by themselves.

What day is it?

It's Christmas Eve.

In 2022?

Yeah.

MAN 1: Hey, there she is. The genius.

MAN 2: Christmas Carole herself. The OG.

Hashtag, original girlboss. (BOTH CHUCKLE)

Ashok Kumar.

Barry Sage. Can I just say, everyone at Limpopo

is so psyched for this new deal right now.

We're super excited. You must be stoked, too.

You look pumped, man! Are you pumped?

I've got a bit of a headache. You want some Xanax?

Can we get Carole some Xanax here?

Oh, no, no. I'm fine.

If it's about the live stream, don't worry.

It's a walk in the park. We'll lead.

I'll tell everyone how excited we are,

give them the data, the KPIs, EBITDA, that jazz.

Then we'll bring you up and you do your thing.Right.

Do you know what you're going to say?

Well, I was going to talk about

how I came up with the idea of the company?

Brilliant. We love that.

But here's something legal and media have thrown together.

It's what you said. With specific focus

on rebranding and sustainability. Yeah, sustainability is important.

It's our number one priority. Number one BS priority.

Our customers just want to do the right thing by the planet.

So we tell them, "Sure, why not?"

Yeah, you're buying tonnes of non-degradable plastic every year.

Of course you're saving the planet, dillweed.

By the way, can I tell you, we loved your Christmas antlers.

Hell of a business model, 30 cents to produce, then we sell for $10.

And everyone makes multiple purchases

because the damn things disintegrate faster than my last marriage.

(ALL CHUCKLE) Well, what about my employees?

Oh, well, um, of course,

those guys are going to lose their jobs.

All of them?

We're innovators, Carole

Every successful innovation leaves some people behind.

That's just how it is.

The rules are the same for everybody.

If you're not making millions, it's because you're too dumb or lazy

to take the opportunities presented to you. Am I right?

Oh, I almost forgot. This was couriered to my assistant

from someone called Bobbie?

Oh, thank God!

Thank you. Thank you.

(SIGHS) Oh, Bobbie.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

Excuse me.

I just... Sure.

Is she OK?

(MUSIC STOPS)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(POWER WHIRS DOWN)

(DOORS RATTLING)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(RATTLING AND MUSIC STOP)

Hello?

(DOOR SLAMS)

I'd give that five minutes, if I were you.

Joking! I was just cleaning it.

Actually, I wasn't even cleaning it.

I was just waiting for you.

Wait, aren't you- Yes, I am.

Yes. And I have done a bit of acting,

so this is a piece of cake.

A little clue for you there. Cake!

You're a bit nervous about meeting a supernatural being?

A supernatural...

(SIGHS) So you're the...

Mmm, mmm, Spirit of Christmas, Ghost of Christmas Present.

Whatever.

Not Christmas Presents.

Or in your case,

Christmas Things That Go Straight In The Bin.

That was another joke.

No, but you're not...

Morecambe and Wise are dead in real life.

Believe you me, I have died many, many times, on my arse.

Yes. Thank you.

Yeah, alright. Are you ready for your next journey?

I was actually about to do a big presentation.

It wasn't really a question. Right.

Take my hand, and you will be magically transported.

(UPBEAT MUSIC) (GASPS)

You said magically transported!

What are we doing on these things?

Fun, aren't they? And great for the planet.

I thought we'd be flying or something.

Oh, this isn't The Snowman!

(PEDESTRIANS ARGUING)

Forget it! It's over there, how hard can it be?!

Oh! (CHUCKLES)

Christmas spirit. Brilliant, isn't it?

I could have nearly killed ya!

Yeah, I know you could have killed me.

What's wrong with ya? (ARGUING CONTINUES)

It doesn't work on everyone.

Where are you taking me?

Everyone ready?

Pani puri.

Children, pani puri.

Everyone. Excellent, where is the chaat?

Oh, I'll get it.

Having a tough time of it, are we?

You stay relaxed, yeah?

Behold, you should know that these are but shadows-

They can't see us, I get it. Rude.

Tell your uncle to help. KIDS: Help, Uncle.

I refuse to participate in a festival

that has nothing to do with our proud Sikh culture or identity.

(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) Who are these people, anyway?

Oh, I see.

Hey, family. Ah!(CHUCKLES)Ah, beti.

Mum! Hi mummy.

So she gave you the night off then? Uh, not exactly.

She fired me. What?

Who does that on Christmas Eve?

It's fine. Some friend she turned out to be.

After all the stuff you've done for her.

You can't afford to get fired, Beta. How you gonna pay the bills?

How are we going to pay for all of this?

Well, but she was going to get fired anyway when Limpopo takeover.

Honestly, Mum, we'll be fine.

Anyway, it means we can all spend Christmas together, eh?

Right, now, who wants chocolate and a movie?

KIDS: Me.

Can we watch The Grinch?

I was watching Game of Thrones!

Jas, it's Christmas. He's sulking.

We're Sikhs. We don't even believe in Christmas.

He's a bit bah humbug, isn't he? BOBBIE: Right.

Mummy needs a glass of Christmas spirit.

So, starting to get the picture? Shh!

Meena, Tiny, go and put your PJ's on first.

KIDS: Yes, Mommy. He's called Tiny?

Tiny Singh as in Tiny Tim?

Yes, but...

He's sick, isn't he? No, I don't think so.

Some kind of unseen condition. Something genetic.

Oh, my God, he's going to die.

They can't afford to pay for his treatment.

No. I suppose that's my fault, is it?

Is it?

(SIGHS) No, I can't deal with this.

Oh, look I keep telling you, there's nothing wrong with him.

You're missing the whole point. (GROANS)

Oh, for God's sake.

(DISTORTED CHATTER)

(SOUND COMES BACK INTO FOCUS)

GIRL: It's a Wonderful Life! MAN: Yes, Rita! Yes!Oh, no.

I knew I can rely on you.

I knew you'd get it. It was five words.I said four.

You're not listening.

Welcome to another recycled Christmas.

BOY: A movie. CHRISTMAS SPIRIT: Film.

One word. One word.

I love charades, don't you? Uh, no.

It's literally the only game anyone ever plays at Christmas.

That's why I like it.

Gremlins. Frozen!

BOY: Goonies. Is it the whole thing?

Frozen. Jaws.

Basketball?

The Unbearable Lightness of Being!

What? What?

The Unbearable... It's one word.

(SIGHS) Oh. Alright. Sorry.

Frozen! Will you stop saying frozen.

Frozen 2. Frozen 3.

BOY: No!

Ear. Ear library.

Ear library?!

It's... It's an audio book.

Harry Potter?

Oh, for Pete's sake, it's Elf. Elf!

What? Movie...

One word, sounds like shelf

Elf!

SAM: E-E-Elf!

BOTH: Thank you.

Hey, well done, Sammy!

You're like your aunty Carole, she was always good at charades.

Yeah, but she never comes over at Christmas.

I mean, does she even love us?

(SIGHS) Your aunty Carole doesn't believe in Christmas.

The only thing she loves is money.

(ALL LAUGH)She's right posh now. She's got money.

Selling piles and piles of plastic tats.

Pound shop Cruella de Vil.

(ALL LAUGH)

Of course she loves us, Sammy. she's just...She's...

..very unhappy, and that gets in the way.

Come and join the party, Dad.

Yeah, in a bit.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Did you, uh, see our Carole?

(CLICKS TONGUE) Yeah.

How was she?

Uh... Fine. Good. Yeah, you know...

No thanks to you.

Hmm. Yeah, I can imagine.

OK, time to go. Not yet.

Please, can we just go?

No. You need to hear what he's about to say!

Give it to me!

(CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY THROUGH SPEAKERS)

It's Christmas Eve, right?

In 2022.

I'd give that five minutes.

(SLEIGH RIDE PLAYING)

# There's a birthday party at the home of Farmer Grey

# It'll be the perfect ending of a perfect day

(PEOPLE CLAMOURING)

ON PA: "Merry Christmas, we have... (INDISTINCT)

"We'd like to wish you a very merry Christmas."

MAN: I know what you... I know you're excite...

No, no. Please, please.

Are you enjoying this? Are you enjoying this?

You don't need that. Or that.

You certainly don't need that!

Don't you understand?

You don't need it, none of us do.

It's all a load of crap.

It's all a load of crap!

Hi. (BREATHING HEAVILY)

Are you the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come.

I think I know what it is you've been trying to tell me.

Not a ghost.

I'll just...

No, you don't understand.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

Oh. Come on, come on.

Oi! Hey!

Hey!

(GASPS)

(SHOUTING)

Go, go, go!

Go!

Drive, now!

Never seen a driverless car before? (GASPS)

Relax. They're not gonna be bothering you.

What the...

Good, innit?

Time has stood still.

Only you and I can move forwards.

Forwards into the future.

Oh, so you're the... That's right.

I'm the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come.

See, you had your Ghost of Christmas Past,

and they were very much from the actual past.Right.

Then you had your Ghost of Christmas Present.

That's your household name now. Yes.

You see, I'm like the next generation of star,

someone on an upward ascent.

Maybe get my own show, my own stand-up special,

maybe host the Baftas.

What I'm saying is,

I'm a national treasure of the future.

Yes, yes, I get it.

It's just... It's fine. You don't have to do your bit.

What do you mean? I've already had my epiphany.

You know, the bit where I realise where I've gone wrong,

and what I need to do to change.

Well done, by the way.

It was the reindeer antlers that finally did it.

Look, I had nothing for so long,

so I thought money was the answer. So I wanted more and more.

So I sold more and more.

Getting people to bury their unhappiness

under a mountain of throwaway tat.

So I built this empire of continuous consumption

and it just isn't sustainable.

Nah, it's not that. You're gonna have to dig a little deeper.

(WHOOSHING) (GASPS)

(CHURCH BELL TOLLING)

MAN: The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.

He leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul.

He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness

for his name's sake.

It's a funeral.

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...

Ye- Whose funeral?

Thou art with me.

Can you not just tell me?

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies...

Oh, my God! It's Tiny Singh.

It is, isn't it?

It's Tiny Singh's funeral. It's not Tiny Singh!

He had that condition and everything, with his legs.

He wasn't ill. How many times?

Yes, but... Just go over there and look.

Thou preparest a table before me

in the presence of mine enemies.

Thou anointest my head with oil.

My cup runneth over.

Surely, goodness and mercy

shall follow me all the days of my life.

No Carole? No.

That's a shame.

You're coming back to the house, though?

Of course. Give him a proper send off.Yeah.

Please.

We'll see you back at the house, Ade.

Thanks for coming. It means a lot.

We're gonna miss him.

Yeah, that's that.

(SOMBRE MUSIC)

Time to go?

Not yet. There's something else you need to hear.

You coming? No, I'll wait in the car.

But don't take too long.

You need to be back here in 10 minutes.

Why? If you don't leave here with me,

you'll get stuck in this reality forever.

You will never be able to go back.

SAM: Can we have a look at grandad's old fishing stuff?

Finders keepers.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

MAN 1: It was a great send off. MAN 2: Beautiful send off.

He would've loved it. He would that.

Cheers, pal. Cheers, pal.

Mmm.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

All the best, mate.

You know, he always used to say,

he only ever loved two women.

They both left him. What?!

Biggest regret of his life, he said.

But...

Yeah.

Oh, bloody hell. (SCOFFS)

(CRYING)

RITA: Hey, come on.

It's alright. (SOBS)

What are we going to do with all this stuff?

Hey, Ade,

he was ever so proud of her. Yeah.

Always going on about how well she was doing.

"Our Carole this, our Carole that."

I don't think he ever got over her leaving.

You and Carole meant everything to him, you know?

Aye.He could have come down to London with us

when we were doing up houses for yuppies in the city.

This were back in the '80s.

Plasterers could make loads of money back then.

But he wanted to be here for you both.

Said you needed security.

That's why we were always so skint. Hmm.

And you thought it was because he was a lazy bugger, didn't you?

No. Oh... Yeah.

Ah, Carole was just so angry.

I wish she could've forgiven him. For what?

For not letting mum take us with her,

and making her stay here with him.

And she thought he did it out of spite, but...

Didn't he tell ya?

BOTH: Tell us what?

She never contested custody.

BOTH: What?!

Why didn't he tell us that?

He didn't want you thinking badly of your mam.

I see you're back, then.

LEON: Put that down. JACKIE: Or what?

What are you going to do, Leon? I don't know what you want, Jackie.

Oh, I don't know. I don't know what I want.

But this can't be it. Get married, have kids, the end.

I'm nearly 30. I've lived here me whole life.

Look at me. I'm not going to look like this forever, I-

I've got to get out while I still can.

(SIGHS)

I want more, Leon.

More than this house. This town, this life.

I like this life.Yeah, well, it's not good enough for me.

I'm leaving.

I'm taking the car, but you can keep the rest.The rest?

What do you mean, Carole and Ade?

Huh? God.

Who's gonna look after them?

I don't know, Leon, you? You're their mother.

And you're their father. Why does it have to be me?

You'll do a better job anyway. What am I supposed to tell 'em?

I don't know. Tell 'em I've run off with the milkman.

Whatever you want. Don't do this.

Get out of my way, Leon! Please.

Please don't, I'm begging ya.

Don't go, Jackie. I love ya.

Sorry.

Fine. Go, then.

Do what you like. I really don't care.

Mum.

YOUNG CAROLE: Where you going?

I'm going on a bit of a holiday.

To Wales?

Not that kind of holiday, sweetheart.

Can I come with ya?

No, sweetheart.

Why not? Ask your dad?

He was always afraid that if you knew what really happened,

you'd have hated her.

He couldn't bear that. It was better if you hated him.

Stop saying that. You don't know anything.

Carole always blamed him for mum walking out.

Oh, Ade.You can say what you like about Leon.

But he could always keep a secret.

Even to the end.

(MOBILE BEEPS) I think we all knew

that Christmas was going to be his last.

He sent us to London to try and get Carole

to come up for Christmas dinner. (SIGHS)

She never even knew he was dying.

(SIGHS)

(GASPS)

What took you so long?

So how you feeling anyway?

Great.

Yeah, I mean, if... If I didn't know, I wouldn't know,

if you know what I mean. Yeah.

I don't think she's coming, Dad. I...

Why didn't you let me tell her?

I didn't want her to feel sorry for me.

Yeah.

Not to worry, ey?

There'll be other Christmases! Yeah.

Come on.

Let's play some more charades.

Uh... do we have to?

OK, I understand.

I understand it all.

Uh, it's too late.

No, what do you mean, it's too late?

Carole, you made it.

You can see me? Of course I can.

I'm not that far gone. Ey up.Look who's here.

Carole, love, give us a cuddle.

Oh, no, no, no. So sorry about your dad.

No. (GASPS)

I've got to go. I've got to go.

WOMAN: Carole. Great to see you. Carole.

Wait! Wait!

Wait!

You can't leave me here.

(GASPS, SIGHS)

I have to get back. No, no!

(CAROLE SCREAMS) (THUD)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS) Oh, God.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Oh. Oh, God.

Oh!

Help!

Help. Help!

(THUD) (GRUNTS)

(SHRIEKS)

(MELE KALIKIMAKA PLAYING)

# Mele Kalikimaka is the thing to say

# On a bright Hawaiian Christmas day

# That's the island greeting that we send to you

# From the land where palm trees sway

WOMAN: Oh, goodness. Look at this. Rubbish everywhere.

'Tis the season to avoid the recycling bins, apparently.

Ah. Hello my darling.

Happy Christmas to you.

You look very nice. I like that jacket.

Though, I don't think the... chicken wrappers

are working for you. Oh.

(SIGHS)

Are you OK, my darling?

What day is it?

Ah! It's Christmas Eve.

In... 2022.

(GASPS)

(SCREAMING)

I made it back.

(LAUGHS)

But I'm gonna be late.

(MELE KALIKIMAKA CONTINUES PLAYING)

# Here we know that Christmas will be green and bright

# The sun to shine by day and all the stars at night

Good luck my darling! Thank you!

# Mele Kalikimaka is Hawaii's way

# To say Merry Christmas to you. #

And now, without further ado, may I introduce you to the woman

we're about to make very rich indeed.

(CHUCKLES) Yes, it's Christmas Carole herself...

BOTH: Carole Mackay. (APPLAUSE)

(DOOR OPENS)

Carole Mackay!

Thank you to Barry and Ashok.

For whatever it is you've just said.

And thank you to all of you for coming tonight.

You could be at home.

It's Christmas Eve!

But you're not, you're here.

(FAMILY LAUGHING)

"This is more like it."

Cause you all believe... (FAMILY GROANS)

What's this rubbish? We were watching that.

That woman fired you. Why are you interested?

I just want to see if she's OK.

CAROLE: ..and that something is money.

Money.

If there is no money, no one buys our stuff.

If no one buys our stuff, well, there is no Christmas.

(CHUCKLES) Am I right?

Well, no, I'm not...

..right, actually.

That's why I want to take this opportunity to...

..explain why I'm...

..pulling out of the deal.

(CROWD MUTTERING)

I'm not selling Christmas Carole.

I'm...

I'm rebranding the company.

And stop making tonnes of tacky Christmas tat, and...

..we're gonna make reusable packaging instead.

It turns out that Christmas is still Christmas,

even without... half a million pairs of plastic reindeer antlers.

(PHONE RINGS)

I'm also...

Hello? Yes.

..ordering a share issue.

(MOBILE BEEPS)

Available to employees of the company only,

at a price of 50p per share.

In memory of my dad's electricity meter.

And finally...

I would like to...

..announce the appointment of the company's new joint CEO.

Bobbie Singh Cratchit.

(ALL LAUGHING) What?

Hi, Bobbie.

I knew you'd be watching, even though I fired you.

I won't take up too much of your time,

cause I know Jas will be wanting to watch Game of Thrones.

Uh... How does she...

I don't...

Well, I'll just say I'm sorry.

For all the times that I didn't listen.

And for all the times that I didn't care.

For all the times that I made you do something

that I could have done myself.

Oh, you've been a good friend to me, and...

..I hope that from now on, I could be a good friend to you.

You are my friend.

(SOFTLY) Sorry.

Anyway, that's it. Thank you.

What the hell was that?

So you're not selling the company?

He's quick, I'll give them that. (CHUCKLES)

Merry Christmas, little fella.

Merry Christmas, Miss Carole.

Merry Christmas, Charlie.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Dad.

Come in, come in.

# MARIAH CAREY: All I Want For Christmas Is You. #

# I don't want a lot for Christmas

# There is just one thing I need

# I don't care about the presents

# Underneath the Christmas tree

# I just want you for my own

# More than you could ever know

# Make my wish come true

# All I want

# For Christmas

# Is

# you

# Yeah

# I don't want a lot for Christmas

# There is just one thing I need

# And I

# Don't care about the presents

# Underneath the Christmas tree...

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