Original subtitles

-♪ Look up there ♪ -♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

-♪ Like a rock ♪ -♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

[cheering]

♪ ♪

[sinister laugh]

[Henry] Your puny kind cannot hope

to defend against my magics,

which, as you can tell by my cackle,

are dark magics.

[sinister laugh]

[Moon] We can't let the Wizard win

or the Staff of Okhi will be lost forever.

[Dirt] Let's strangle him with his own beard

and stick his pointy hat

where the four moons of our realm don't shine.

[Russell] Or perhaps we could enchant him

with one of our gorgeous warbles?

All right, warble it up, hoss.

Nothing will stop me from--

-[flute music playing] -Ooh.

What is that delightful sound?

♪ Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma chameleon ♪

♪ You come and go ♪

♪ You come and go, oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dreams. ♪

Oh, no! The song was a trick!

[Dirt] By the power of Gaxabarn,

get bonked.

Ow. Oh, my God. Ow!

Ow! Dude?

Okay, I'm dead.

[screams]

Incredible kills, Aunt Dirt.

Or, should I say, great barbarian Burpfart.

Oh, yeah, if someone crosses me,

I scorch the earth, buddy.

You're so lucky to have such a bloodthirsty great-aunt, Moon.

The only thing my aunt's ever done for me

is start a college fund. Yuck.

You kids aren't too bad yourselves.

Not like the kids I knew growing up.

A lot of my so-called "friends" turned out

to be no-good turncoat commies.

-Yikes. -Hazard of the times, my boy.

So I ditched 'em. I don't cry, I just say goodbye.

Same time tomorrow, you little rats?

Does the Glowering Crescent fall dour on the Midnight Plane?

Okay, cut it out. Game's over, Poindexter.

Don't let the bunker door hit you

on the way out.

Hmm, idiots.

[saleswoman] Hey there, Red.

I know that look.

Who, me?

What, uh, what look?

You're on the hunt for beads, am I right?

Oh, uh, no--

There's no limit to the crafts you can craft with beads.

Maybe you'd enjoy a beaded bracelet?

A beaded keychain?

A flowing beaded curtain for your boudoir threshold?

Boudoir.

Imagine the look on your sensual evening guests' faces

when you appear to them through

the absolutely tantalizing clickity-clackity-clickity-clack

of beads on string.

[Beef] How 'bout that silhouette, baby?

Shall we begin scooping?

Immediately.

So, how was the gaming today, guys?

We bashed some heads and destroyed some snacks.

You know, not many people have an elderly aunt

who's best friend material.

I love this partnership.

It's like unlikely animal friends but for people.

Plus, I really enjoy when you come to dinner in your costumes.

Oh, yeah. Sweet runes, bro.

Thank you. It's Sharpie.

Where's the big ugly one? You know, your dad?

He went to the mall. Sometimes after he's been

gutting fish all day,

he goes to smell the Cinnabon as a palate cleanser.

It keeps him sane.

[giggles] I got curtains.

Oh, no. My boudoir.

Hello, ma'am. Uh, where's my Aunt Dirt?

Hell if I know. She didn't come in today.

Now take a bowl of Food Mixture and move it along.

I know we're supposed to play after school

but should we squeeze in a little Lizards right now?

Nah, we ought to wait for my aunt.

Oh, come on, Moon, just one quick round?

I could use some fun after that math test.

Me, too. The system can graph my ass.

I guess we can find someone to sub in.

Maybe Loud Sandy's brother, Calm Callum?

Yeah. He looks... alone.

-[humming] -Hey, Calm Callum,

you ever been a barbarian before?

My cousin was in Shrek the Musical.

Close enough. Pop a squat.

Welcome back, dummies. Come on in, have a seat.

I have a big announcement.

♪ Da-da-da-dah ♪

In honor of our six-month anniversary

of Lizarding, I have a surprise for you.

Oh, wow. Are you engaged?

No! Why the hell would I be engaged?

Sorry, I just ask my mom and her boyfriend Jamie that

every morning. Force of habit.

All right, here we go.

Some jamoke on the Alaska Ask-A Barter Board

offered to trade one of my 1958 issues

of Look At Those Legs magazines for...

this.

[Moon] Gordix the Unyielding

Dice Tower sponsored by Carolina Cigarettes?

-Whoa! -What?

I skipped my lunch lady shift

and took the bus out to New Fork to pick it up.

-No biggie. -Holy wow.

They stopped making these in the '80s.

[game voice] For honor and cigarettes.

[hisses]

That's one of its five distinct sayings.

Oh, they get so much worse.

Okay, so, last we left, we were searching the caves--

Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, we weren't.

I'm old but I'm not senile.

You jumping ahead on us, Henry?

Oh, we, uh, actually played a little

at lunch today, but it honestly was--

You played without me?

Well, we couldn't find you.

But I'm part of the group.

And you still are.

Uh-uh. This is how it starts.

How what starts?

We just had Calm Callum play as your character

for one little round.

Sorry, let me get this straight.

I, me, Dirt, was on a smelly bus

all the way to New Fork where I spent

my own hard-earned money on this lizard head--

You said you traded.

Shut it! And you replaced me?

Boy, this is sure reminding me of those jerks I knew

when I was a kid. You know what?

I don't think I feel like playing Lizards anymore.

Let's play a different game called

"Get the hell out of my bunker right now."

The rules are simple. If you're still here

in ten seconds, I start throwing stuff.

-One! -[shouts]

Hey, you said ten seconds!

Sorry, I just love this game.

Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight!

Why don't you go find Calm Callum, huh? Nine, ten!

He's at his mediation class.

He's the teacher!

-[grunts] -[shouts]

[game voice] Tobacco heals. [hisses]

[Dirt] Stay out, you pun--

What the hell was that?

I don't know. We only played without her

for like 15 minutes.

Guys, my sensei was telling me about this.

It's menopause.

[Dirt muttering] Stupid little

no-good little traitor boy.

[gulps] Could someone pass the bacon?

Sure thing.

Okay...

could someone else pass the hashbrowns?

You got it, buddy.

-[door closes] -Moon, are you by any chance

feuding with your elderly aunt?

She's mad me, Henry and Russell

played our Lizards role-playing game without her.

I mean, we wanted to play with her,

but she was busy driving all the way to New Fork

to buy us a special gift, and yes, that does sound bad,

but in our defense, we didn't know she was doing that.

Yeesh. Well, I'm sure she'll come around.

I mean, she didn't stay locked up in that bunker forever.

Just 60 years.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, my God.

Is that...

[Moon] Every single object

from my room on the front lawn?

-Yep. -Who could've done this?

[Wolf] Hey, Dad.

Uh, no, uh, biggie,

but we've been waiting in the van

to leave for work for like an hour.

Don't want to rush you, but we are

almost out of gas.

Damn it.

Oh, you, uh, working on those curtains?

Yes, to create a sensual boudoir doorway silhouette.

I think it's gonna be another hour before I'm done.

Here's what I have so far.

That's not a lot of curtain.

The vibes are there though. Yeah, I get it. I get it.

No, no, no.

Beef, this is insanity.

The woman at the bead store,

she made me believe, but now...

I'm so scared.

It's gonna be okay, Dad.

Me and Honeybee will just take these back for you.

Do you have the receipt?

Yes, where did I...

[humming]

Hmm?

They ring up each bead individually.

[Henry] Okay, here's the plan.

Russell, you're gonna ask Dirt

if she wants to play so she'll stop being mad at us.

Why me?

Because you can be talked into anything.

Okay, wonderful.

No, it's gotta be me.

She's my great-aunt.

I'll take the hit, probably literally.

Aunt Dirt,

before you slap us with pizza or something-- Ah!

Whoops. This pizza's got a hair trigger.

Now, keep walking, honky.

Okay, she's definitely still mad.

Let's just steer clear of her for the day

while she cools off.

Hopefully she's gotten most of it

out of her system by now.

[Dirt over P.A.] Moon Tobin,

Henry Tuntley and Russell Dumbass--

I don't know your last name--

please report to your Lil' Poopers meeting.

Your potty training will begin immediately.

-[children laughing] -Russell, where are you going?

She said the potty training was starting immediately.

Okay, hopefully now it's out of her system.

♪ ♪

[shouts]

[Russell] Moon, look out!

[chuckling]

[grunting]

[muffled shouting]

-[shouting] -Hey, Dirt.

You here to... kill us? Scorch the earth?

Nah, I'm done with my revenge now.

Come over here, let's hug

-and make up. -Hmm.

Tell Calm Callum I said hello.

-[alarm ringing] -[shouts]

Ta-ta, traitors!

What is going on?

Moon?

Hello, I'd like to return these beads, please.

Okay, I'd "bead" happy to process your return,

but have you considered that you could use these beads

to make yourself some beautiful bead ensembles

to wear out and about upon the town?

[both] Ensembles.

♪ ♪

We're gonna need more beads.

A lot more.

-[both giggling] -Oh, no.

Beef. [whoops] Huge news!

We're making full bead tuxedos

to wear to next year's Met Gala. [laughs]

God, I hope the theme is beads.

[Moon] Principal Gibbons,

we didn't pull the fire alarm.

We were framed.

Relax, relax, boys. I believe you.

It's very clear your elderly aunt

has sworn out a vengeance upon you.

Yes, but all we did was play

our wizards and reptiles game without her.

And she went all Steve-O

from Jackass on you, just for that?

Uh-huh. We're all pretty certain it's menopause.

I really doubt it's that, Russell.

[scoffs] Don't be so sure.

My sensei says that menopause can present

in many different ways.

Get off the menopause, bud.

Can you maybe tell her to lay off of us?

Oh, hell no.

I'm not getting in that maniac's way.

But look, when someone overreacts, it's usually 'cause

you're touching on a traumatic area for them.

That's it. Remember she said she had some bad friends

when she was a kid? Maybe we figure out

what happened and make it up to her somehow.

[Dirt over P.A.] Attention Lone Moose students.

The pinch election results are in.

Yuh-oh.

Your new pinch kings

are Moon, Russell and Henry,

so if you see them, pinch 'em hard.

Run, boys!

We're pinch kings? [squeals] Amazing.

I didn't even know we were nominated.

Okay, I figure we got about 45 minutes

till my aunt gets home from school.

Let's get in, learn everything

about that woman's past, and get out.

Here we go. This photo album's called,

"Jerks I Hate: Volume One."

And this picture of three boys our age is captioned,

"Idiots to run over

when I get a car."

[Henry] Yeesh, she scrawled this kid's face out.

[Moon] Joe Dinkum.

-He must be the one she really hates. -[shouts]

What the hell are you doing with my stuff?

That's private!

[shouts] You're back early!

Who's Joe,

and why is his face scratched out?

Joe Dinkum? Oh, he's just some traitor

and a liar with a face that looks like a rat's ass.

Now, where's my pistol?

I know I left it around here somewhere.

Go, go, go, go!

Okay, that was a little too close.

I saw Jamie's life flash before my eyes.

Guys, I think I know what we need to do.

We gotta find this Joe Dinkum.

-And kill him? -No.

We bring him to Dirt and let her kill him.

Then she forgives us and we can all play again.

Smart.

Hey guys, what's-- [shouts]

-[grunts] -Whoa.

Nice fall, Judy.

Uh, you walk mu-- [shouts]

[grunts]

Oh, uh, heads up.

There's beads all over the floor.

What the hell is going on here?

Oh, great news. We're making beaded tuxedos.

Tux-bead-os.

For the Met Gala. [laughs]

Okay, guys, I hate to diffuse the muse,

but I know a thing or two about crafting,

and it's clear to me

that you're all in way over your heads on bead crafts.

[sighs] There's something you need to see,

something I hoped I'd never have to show anyone.

Come with me.

Uh, could this "bead" more dangerous?

Get it? Do you guys understand? The "bead"?

[laughs]

I think I have a concussion.

[Moon] There he is. Joe Dinkum.

Look at that scumbag.

[Russell] Filling up his bird feeder like a serial killer.

How we gonna get this guy to your aunt's bunker?

Not sure. Uh, did anyone bring a sack?

Of course. My mom always makes me

carry an Abduct Me Not brand security sack to hide in

in case someone tries to take me.

Wouldn't that just make it easier to take you?

No. [scoffs] There's no handles.

Hey, what are you boys doing over there?

-Oh! [nervous laughter] -[gasping]

Shoot.

Oh... [clears throat]

...we're just, uh,

planning to kidnap you, sir.

Russell.

Is that so?

Well, how you thinking about doing it?

Would you mind stepping into a sack?

Well, it's been years since I've been in a sack,

and I could use an adventure.

Where you taking me?

To see a wonderful lady

who goes by the name of Aunt Dirt.

Russell.

Dirt? As in Dirtrude Tobin?

Well, I tell you what, I'll come along willingly.

Now, I've got a package of Oreos inside

I could bring along, too.

You little criminals like cookies or what?

We talking Double Stuf?

Of course, I'm not an animal.

[Judy] There are no words

for what you're about to see.

Welcome to Hell.

[Honeybee] Judy,

what is all this?

Failure, that's what.

My unfinished craft graveyard.

Now, who's this little guy?

That's half a macrame coaster, Dad.

Half a macrame coaster

that took up seven months of my life.

What are you going to put on it? A half a cup?

That doesn't exist.

Uh, then what's this?

Oh, that's the half a mug

I missed my 13th birthday party to make.

And now all it holds is my shame.

Well, half your shame.

-Honeybee, I swear to God. -Sorry.

Look, guys, right now,

you all stand at a fork in the road.

-A half a fork. -I will kill you, Ham.

I know what this is about, Judy.

You brought us here as a warning

to stop our foolish bead crafting.

Oh, hell no. This is your sign not to give up.

I'm all in, baby!

Dad, you're getting your curtains,

and then we're all going to the Met Gala.

Great barbarian Burpfart,

we offer you a humble sacrifice so peace may once again reign.

Hey, Dirt? It's Joe!

I'm the offering!

Joe "Stink-'em" Dinkum?

We kidnapped him for you to murder.

Good to see you, pal. You want an Oreo?

-[growls] -[straining]

-What-what is this? -[shouts]

Unhand me, henchmen!

Let go of me now!

We will. We just wanna know

what this guy did first so we can,

you know, enjoy the kill.

[sighs] Okay, fine.

You want to hear our story?

Prepare your stupid ears for a harrowing tale.

This is "The Legend of Dirt Versus Dinkum."

See, once upon a time, I was really something,

just like I am now, but shorter.

And, oh boy, I ran

Lone Moose back then.

And since no one else was on my level,

it was pretty much a solo job.

Mmm.

[hisses]

But my parents couldn't handle

my superior sense of self.

They were always trying to make me into some little princess.

My mom kept making dresses,

and I kept drowning them.

And then, one day, I heard something

-in the woods. -[loud belch]

A burp, like a clarion call

-to adventure. -[belches]

-So I burped back. -[belching continues]

Then them, then me, and so on

and so forth. And I followed the sound

until I found some of the most top-shelf idiots

you could possibly order at this bar called life.

And even though they were total numbnuts

just like you and Simon

and Theodore, we became...

Friends.

Shut up. But yeah.

[Dirt] The four of us were thick as thieves.

We even built our own spaceship-shaped fort.

[Joe] The Galaxy Probe.

Can it, Stink-'em.

But our paradise didn't last very long.

[father] Dirtrude!

What are you doing, dillydallying around

with these ding-dongs?

You shouldn't be smiling with boys,

that's how you get pregnant.

Dad, they're just my friends.

It's not like I'm kissing 'em. They're disgusting.

Stop running your mouth and start running your feet.

Let's get home. This ain't proper.

Hey, listen, mister--

Oh, you keep your mouth shut, Donald Dumb.

And stay away from my daughter from now on.

[Moon] Your dad was a piece of work, huh?

[Dirt] Brother, he was the whole job.

But I didn't listen to my dad then,

and I don't now. 'Cause he's dead.

I savvied Joe

to our new launch time,

but would you believe this?

He didn't show.

I figured it was possible Joe got the time wrong

because of how he was, and still is, very, very stupid.

So, I reported to playtime the next day same as usual,

and found I'd been replaced

by some kind of 1960s Calm Callum.

So, that night, I went to leave

my official goodbye letter.

You burned Joe alive?

[sighs] Russell, Joe is literally right next to us.

Okay. Well, I forgot that.

Yeah, she torched the whole friendship.

Like, with actual fire.

Me? You were the one who ended things.

Now prepare to die.

[shouts]

Get off! What're you--

-Say "uncle." -Never! I'm gonna--

-Say it! -Ow, you bit me!

You're a traitor, Joe Dinkum!

And a turncoat!

Oh, yeah? Well, you're mean!

Ow! I can't believe I ever had a crush on you!

Wait.

What? What crush?

Listen, I'm not saying it's right,

but the reason I didn't show up that night

was 'cause I was heartbroken.

Heartbroken the way only a very stupid

ten-year-old boy can be.

See, telling the story from my angle,

that day when I first

-heard you burp in the woods... -[all belching]

...it was like an angel was burping my name.

You were my dream girl.

[Dirt] Disgusting.

[Joe] You sure were, and rude.

And loud and covered in mud

at all times. The total package.

So that day your dad caught us,

and said it wasn't proper for a girl

to play with boys, you said...

I would never even think of kissing

any of these boys, ever.

Especially that one. Joe. Joe Dinkum.

I particularly don't want to kiss him.

Oh, barf!

I'm getting so sick even thinking about it.

[groans]

I'm not sure I said all that.

Right, but that's what my dumb kid ears heard.

And I'm not trying to defend myself,

but at the time, I was only ten years old,

and it broke my heart. That's why

I didn't show that night,

and boy, I regretted it ever since.

Well, why didn't you say so?

I tried. My parents sent me off to Anchorage

for school the next year, and when I finally came back

to Lone Moose after college, I looked you up,

but everyone said you were dead.

Nah, I just went in a bunker for 60 years.

-Is that all? -Not wanting to kiss you

was nothing personal.

I'm just a lesbian, if you couldn't tell

from, like, my whole deal.

Doesn't matter the reason, girls don't have to kiss boys

they ain't interested in. End of story.

You're nailing it, brother.

I'm sorry, Dirt.

And we're sorry, too.

Calm Callum was a terrible barbarian Burpfart.

He never once burped or farted.

What an ass.

Well, what are we all standing around for, huh?

Can we get back to playing that dumb

Gizzards And Blizzards or whatever it's called already?

Geez.

What do you say, Stink-'em, huh?

You want to play a dumb game with these little twerps

that I don't like very much?

Yeah, sure.

Let me just pop my hip back in where it goes.

I'll be right with you.

[Beef] By God, the house looks stunning.

-Mm-hmm. -Ham, shh.

We all need to stay perfectly quiet

and perfectly still until the first Monday in May.

From now until then, no one should move

or make any sounds above a whisper.

Hey, everybody.

Guess who made up.

[groans] Do not slam the door.

This door? You got it, boss.

[Wolf] No, no, no! All our beadwork!

[shouts] I'm slipping!

[overlapping shouting]

I'm bead blind!

[shouts] Catch me, Dad! Catch me!

-Phew. -Phew.

Sure.

Eh, we should probably help them with this mess.

I guess.

Wanna go do literally anything else?

Great idea.

[sinister laugh]

Sir Stink-'em the Ugly,

now'd be a great time to wave

that sparkly twig of yours.

[Joe] You got it, pal.

I cast Aakthulu's Barrier of Protection!

Unleash hell, boys.

[all shouting]

[grunting]

Say, Russell, you want

to pipe us some killing music

while we watch this guy

writhe in agony?

Coming right up, Dirt.

[flute music playing]

♪ Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma chameleon ♪

♪ You come and go... ♪

Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT

and TOYOTA.