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.
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00:00:04,134 --> 00:00:06,049
- "Will & Grace" is recorded
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00:00:06,093 --> 00:00:08,356
in front of
a live studio audience.
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00:00:08,399 --> 00:00:10,836
[jazzy piano music]
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00:00:10,880 --> 00:00:14,536
♪
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00:00:15,972 --> 00:00:17,060
- If you see the waitress,
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can you tell her
I never got my toast?
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- Here, have one of mine.
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00:00:26,678 --> 00:00:29,029
- I know that tongue
has been nowhere,
10
00:00:29,072 --> 00:00:30,334
so I'm fine with it.
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- McCoy and I have been
talking about baby names.
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00:00:35,165 --> 00:00:36,775
He likes Alice.
13
00:00:36,819 --> 00:00:38,255
- Wow, lucky kid,
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00:00:38,299 --> 00:00:40,692
having two dads,
just like Jesus.
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00:00:40,736 --> 00:00:42,129
- Mm.
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00:00:42,172 --> 00:00:44,522
And she'll have a Mary
right across the hall.
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00:00:46,220 --> 00:00:48,135
- But this one ain't a virgin.
- Ha-ha.
18
00:00:50,093 --> 00:00:52,487
- Of course,
Phallus could be a boy.
19
00:00:52,530 --> 00:00:54,663
You are carrying low and wide.
20
00:00:56,926 --> 00:00:59,537
- A son.
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00:00:59,581 --> 00:01:00,843
My son.
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00:01:00,886 --> 00:01:03,541
Oh, I'll teach him everything
a boy should know:
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00:01:03,585 --> 00:01:06,501
the difference
between good and bad fats...
24
00:01:07,545 --> 00:01:09,243
How to fold a pocket square
25
00:01:09,286 --> 00:01:11,375
into a perfect peak, poof,
or point.
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00:01:11,419 --> 00:01:12,507
- "Peak, Poof, or Point"
27
00:01:12,550 --> 00:01:14,117
was the name
of my one-man show.
28
00:01:14,161 --> 00:01:15,249
- I left during Poof.
29
00:01:15,292 --> 00:01:17,164
- Oh, then you missed
the whole Point.
30
00:01:17,207 --> 00:01:19,253
- Coffee?
- Sure.
31
00:01:19,296 --> 00:01:21,342
- Oh, I'll teach him
the importance of the Dollys,
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00:01:21,385 --> 00:01:23,083
both "Hello" and Parton.
33
00:01:23,126 --> 00:01:25,215
- Yeah.
34
00:01:25,259 --> 00:01:27,609
- Yeah, I can definitely see
myself raising a son.
35
00:01:27,652 --> 00:01:28,653
Say when.
36
00:01:28,697 --> 00:01:30,829
- Hey, here's a crazy
think-a-doo.
37
00:01:30,873 --> 00:01:33,310
What if he's a straight boy?
38
00:01:33,354 --> 00:01:34,964
When.
When.
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00:01:35,007 --> 00:01:36,444
Ow!
Will, stop!
40
00:01:36,487 --> 00:01:39,577
[upbeat trumpet
and piano music]
41
00:01:39,621 --> 00:01:45,540
♪
42
00:01:47,977 --> 00:01:52,373
- [laughing]
43
00:01:56,986 --> 00:01:58,161
- It's not funny, Karen.
44
00:01:58,205 --> 00:02:00,816
- Grace, you're pregnant.
It's hilarious.
45
00:02:02,774 --> 00:02:04,994
So, have you broken the news
to Will yet?
46
00:02:05,037 --> 00:02:07,127
- Yep,
and he's having a baby too.
47
00:02:07,170 --> 00:02:09,564
- That's kind of how it works.
48
00:02:09,607 --> 00:02:13,655
When a gay man loves his hag
very, very much...
49
00:02:13,698 --> 00:02:15,831
- No, no,
this isn't Will's baby.
50
00:02:15,874 --> 00:02:19,356
- Oh, well, I just figured
since you share towels that...
51
00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:26,233
- Basketball?
52
00:02:26,276 --> 00:02:28,974
Oh, you poor old man.
53
00:02:29,018 --> 00:02:32,282
You need me to teach you
how to Google porn again?
54
00:02:32,326 --> 00:02:34,719
- Last time you did that,
I ended up on a list
55
00:02:34,763 --> 00:02:36,721
I'll never get off.
56
00:02:36,765 --> 00:02:37,853
- You know what?
57
00:02:37,896 --> 00:02:40,334
You got off.
That's all I'm hearing.
58
00:02:40,377 --> 00:02:41,813
- I'm watching it
because this is what
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00:02:41,857 --> 00:02:43,424
fathers do
with their straight sons.
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00:02:43,467 --> 00:02:45,600
They watch sports,
so I need to educate myself.
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00:02:45,643 --> 00:02:46,905
If my son wants to talk sports,
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00:02:46,949 --> 00:02:49,212
then I will be fluent
in all things sports.
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00:02:49,256 --> 00:02:51,649
- All right, well,
I love baskets.
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00:02:51,693 --> 00:02:55,218
- I love balls.
- And snap, the job's a game.
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00:02:55,262 --> 00:02:57,481
I used to love watching
the fellas shoot hoops
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00:02:57,525 --> 00:03:00,397
in high school, especially when
it was skirts and skins.
67
00:03:00,441 --> 00:03:03,183
- You mean, shirts and skins.
68
00:03:03,226 --> 00:03:06,229
- No wonder I got beat up
so much.
69
00:03:06,273 --> 00:03:09,189
- So, who's the "lucky" guy?
70
00:03:09,232 --> 00:03:10,712
And I mean lucky ironically,
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00:03:10,755 --> 00:03:12,844
like when you call
a huge guy tiny.
72
00:03:12,888 --> 00:03:14,237
[laughs]
73
00:03:14,281 --> 00:03:15,934
- His name's Marcus.
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00:03:15,978 --> 00:03:17,501
He's the guy I followed
on the plane,
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00:03:17,545 --> 00:03:21,244
and then we spent an incredible
week together in Rome.
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00:03:21,288 --> 00:03:22,811
- Ah, Rome.
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00:03:22,854 --> 00:03:25,292
You know, Stanley and I
honeymooned there.
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00:03:25,335 --> 00:03:28,947
Everywhere he sat,
he created a new ruin.
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00:03:28,991 --> 00:03:31,515
- Okay, well,
he's gonna be here any minute.
80
00:03:31,559 --> 00:03:34,301
So I need you to--
- Help you trap him.
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00:03:34,344 --> 00:03:36,346
- I'm not trying to trap him.
82
00:03:36,390 --> 00:03:39,654
- Not in that outfit,
you're not.
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00:03:39,697 --> 00:03:42,047
Although it might play
on his sympathies.
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00:03:42,091 --> 00:03:43,484
[knock at door]
85
00:03:43,527 --> 00:03:45,790
Quick, look desperate.
86
00:03:45,834 --> 00:03:47,662
Oh, perfect.
87
00:03:47,705 --> 00:03:50,447
- Go.
Take your vodkaccino.
88
00:03:55,017 --> 00:03:57,149
- Grace.
- Marcus.
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00:03:57,193 --> 00:03:58,281
- Wow.
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00:03:58,325 --> 00:03:59,326
Did you get prettier
91
00:03:59,369 --> 00:04:00,327
since the last time I saw you?
92
00:04:00,370 --> 00:04:01,328
I mean, is that even possible?
93
00:04:01,371 --> 00:04:02,590
- I did, it is,
94
00:04:02,633 --> 00:04:05,070
and thank you for noticing.
- Yeah, yeah.
95
00:04:05,114 --> 00:04:07,638
- Ugh, gym class was awful.
96
00:04:07,682 --> 00:04:10,075
Remember being terrified of
getting a boner in the shower?
97
00:04:10,119 --> 00:04:12,426
I used to pull
my daisy-covered shower cap
98
00:04:12,469 --> 00:04:14,079
over my eyes
so I wouldn't see anything.
99
00:04:14,123 --> 00:04:15,516
- Constantly.
100
00:04:15,559 --> 00:04:17,344
And when I did, I was like,
101
00:04:17,387 --> 00:04:20,564
"I'm just thinking
of my girlfriend."
102
00:04:20,608 --> 00:04:22,262
"Like you have a girlfriend,
McFarland.
103
00:04:22,305 --> 00:04:23,480
What's her name?"
104
00:04:23,524 --> 00:04:25,352
"Uh, Judith."
105
00:04:25,395 --> 00:04:27,092
"That's your mom's name."
106
00:04:27,136 --> 00:04:29,965
"Yeah, and I bought them both
the same bracelet."
107
00:04:32,881 --> 00:04:35,231
- I was the worst
with fake girlfriend names.
108
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:36,754
My go-to was
"The Facts of Life."
109
00:04:36,798 --> 00:04:40,062
I dated Tootie in junior high,
freshman year was Blair,
110
00:04:40,105 --> 00:04:43,631
and I lost my virginity to
my sexy neighbor Mrs. Garrett.
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00:04:46,242 --> 00:04:47,852
Edna was insatiable.
112
00:04:47,896 --> 00:04:50,464
She took the good
and she took the bad.
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00:04:52,379 --> 00:04:53,945
- We had some fun, didn't we?
114
00:04:53,989 --> 00:04:55,120
- It was perfect.
115
00:04:55,164 --> 00:04:56,861
- Grace, let's do it again,
right now.
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00:04:56,905 --> 00:04:59,734
You and me, tomorrow morning,
Corner Café in Paris,
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00:04:59,777 --> 00:05:01,866
the streets still wet
from a morning rain.
118
00:05:01,910 --> 00:05:04,608
- Oh, can it be sunny?
I've got this hair.
119
00:05:04,652 --> 00:05:06,958
- Whatever you want.
What do you say?
120
00:05:07,002 --> 00:05:09,265
- Marcus, I'm pregnant.
121
00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:12,181
- Oh, um...
122
00:05:12,224 --> 00:05:13,574
wow.
123
00:05:13,617 --> 00:05:14,575
- Mm.
124
00:05:14,618 --> 00:05:16,403
- That's amazing.
125
00:05:16,446 --> 00:05:18,666
That's such wonderful news.
I'm so happy.
126
00:05:18,709 --> 00:05:20,929
- You are?
- Yeah, totally.
127
00:05:20,972 --> 00:05:22,713
So who's the father?
128
00:05:26,500 --> 00:05:27,805
- Well, you are.
129
00:05:27,849 --> 00:05:29,590
- Me?
Oh, no, no, not me.
130
00:05:29,633 --> 00:05:31,331
No, can't be me.
No, I had a vasectomy.
131
00:05:31,374 --> 00:05:33,333
- A vasectomy?
132
00:05:38,207 --> 00:05:39,208
- What was that?
133
00:05:39,251 --> 00:05:40,514
- Nothing!
134
00:05:42,037 --> 00:05:45,170
- Squeaky, old pipes.
I should fire them!
135
00:05:45,214 --> 00:05:46,520
[high-pitched beep]
136
00:05:46,563 --> 00:05:48,609
- Hot tea.
- That sounds lovely.
137
00:05:50,001 --> 00:05:52,047
Did you do any sports
with your dad?
138
00:05:52,090 --> 00:05:53,527
- Once.
139
00:05:53,570 --> 00:05:56,094
We were in the park,
and he threw me a basketball.
140
00:05:56,138 --> 00:05:58,706
I caught it, kissed it,
then thanked the Academy,
141
00:05:58,749 --> 00:06:00,447
and dropped it on the ground.
142
00:06:02,884 --> 00:06:05,974
I just remember the look
of embarrassment on his face.
143
00:06:06,017 --> 00:06:07,932
I never wanna see that look
from my son.
144
00:06:07,976 --> 00:06:09,281
That's why I gotta learn
this stuff.
145
00:06:09,325 --> 00:06:10,413
Say when.
146
00:06:10,457 --> 00:06:11,588
- Hey, here's a crazy
think-a-doo.
147
00:06:11,632 --> 00:06:13,503
What if he doesn't
just wanna watch sports,
148
00:06:13,547 --> 00:06:15,244
he wants to play sports
with you?
149
00:06:15,287 --> 00:06:17,464
When.
When, when!
150
00:06:17,507 --> 00:06:18,900
Ow!
Will, when!
151
00:06:21,642 --> 00:06:22,033
.
152
00:06:22,077 --> 00:06:23,731
[jazz piano music]
153
00:06:23,774 --> 00:06:25,123
- I knew kids would
limit my freedom.
154
00:06:25,167 --> 00:06:27,169
Plus, my family has
this long history
155
00:06:27,212 --> 00:06:28,953
of serial killers
and left-handedness.
156
00:06:28,997 --> 00:06:30,433
Such a bad combo.
157
00:06:30,477 --> 00:06:32,435
I mean, try to find a pair
of scissors to kill with.
158
00:06:34,350 --> 00:06:36,047
We also have a history
of making jokes
159
00:06:36,091 --> 00:06:37,440
at the wrong time.
160
00:06:37,484 --> 00:06:40,312
- Look, I don't know much
about vasectomies,
161
00:06:40,356 --> 00:06:45,187
but isn't possible
that one sperm survived?
162
00:06:46,971 --> 00:06:48,320
You know,
like that Japanese soldier
163
00:06:48,364 --> 00:06:50,975
who didn't know
that the war was over.
164
00:06:51,019 --> 00:06:52,716
- I don't know.
165
00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:53,804
I mean, the brochure said,
166
00:06:53,848 --> 00:06:55,589
"All sperm dead
or your money back."
167
00:06:57,721 --> 00:06:58,983
- So you're not the father.
168
00:06:59,027 --> 00:07:00,811
- I'm not.
169
00:07:00,855 --> 00:07:03,466
- Okay.
170
00:07:03,510 --> 00:07:05,990
- Hey, you are gonna be
a fantastic mom.
171
00:07:06,034 --> 00:07:07,992
- Oh, I hope so.
- Oh, yeah.
172
00:07:08,036 --> 00:07:09,777
Oh, you'll be great
at feeding it
173
00:07:09,820 --> 00:07:13,302
and cleaning up after it
and taking it for walks.
174
00:07:13,345 --> 00:07:16,000
I only ever had dogs.
175
00:07:16,044 --> 00:07:17,175
- Take care.
176
00:07:17,219 --> 00:07:19,177
- You too.
177
00:07:20,875 --> 00:07:22,964
- So it is Will's.
178
00:07:23,007 --> 00:07:24,618
- It is not Will's,
179
00:07:24,661 --> 00:07:27,490
but I was so sure
that it was Marcus'.
180
00:07:27,534 --> 00:07:28,839
I mean, the frequency,
the timing.
181
00:07:28,883 --> 00:07:31,146
I mean, we did sink stuff.
182
00:07:31,189 --> 00:07:33,540
- Well, then who is the father?
183
00:07:33,583 --> 00:07:37,892
Who's the dude who hit snooze
on your biological clock?
184
00:07:37,935 --> 00:07:39,459
- I don't--I don't know.
185
00:07:39,502 --> 00:07:42,070
- Grace,
how many candidates are there?
186
00:07:42,113 --> 00:07:44,507
- Two.
- How many donuts did you eat?
187
00:07:44,551 --> 00:07:45,856
- Two.
- So it's three?
188
00:07:45,900 --> 00:07:47,162
- Yeah.
189
00:07:49,294 --> 00:07:51,906
- Three guys,
one is the father.
190
00:07:51,949 --> 00:07:53,734
[gasps]
Mamma mia.
191
00:07:55,344 --> 00:07:57,172
It's just like "Mamma Mia!"
192
00:07:57,215 --> 00:07:58,521
♪ Here I go again
193
00:07:58,565 --> 00:08:00,697
- I don't even know
how to find these guys.
194
00:08:00,741 --> 00:08:02,264
- ♪ How can I resist you
- Stop.
195
00:08:02,307 --> 00:08:04,788
- ♪ Mamma mia, does it show
196
00:08:04,832 --> 00:08:06,877
- Karen.
- ♪ My, my
197
00:08:06,921 --> 00:08:09,227
♪ Just how much I missed you
["Mamma Mia" melody plays]
198
00:08:09,271 --> 00:08:12,404
both: ♪ Yes,
I've been brokenhearted ♪
199
00:08:12,448 --> 00:08:15,843
♪ Blue since the day
we parted ♪
200
00:08:15,886 --> 00:08:19,281
♪ Why, why,
did I ever let you go ♪
201
00:08:19,324 --> 00:08:22,197
♪
202
00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:24,416
[knock at door]
203
00:08:24,460 --> 00:08:26,854
- Hey, honey.
You like my lab coat?
204
00:08:26,897 --> 00:08:28,769
- Do you need my pee again?
205
00:08:28,812 --> 00:08:29,987
- No way.
206
00:08:30,031 --> 00:08:33,208
Last time,
it tested positive for Oreos.
207
00:08:35,079 --> 00:08:38,126
Anyway, you know how much
we adored "Mamma Mia!"?
208
00:08:38,169 --> 00:08:40,389
And you know how
I'm rich and bored
209
00:08:40,432 --> 00:08:43,174
and have no moral compass?
210
00:08:43,218 --> 00:08:44,872
- What did you do?
211
00:08:44,915 --> 00:08:46,613
- Come on in, fellas!
212
00:08:52,706 --> 00:08:54,534
- Those are the men
I slept with in Europe.
213
00:08:54,577 --> 00:08:56,797
- Shh.
They think they won a boat.
214
00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:59,364
[upbeat piano music]
215
00:09:03,847 --> 00:09:05,153
- Oh, hey.
216
00:09:05,196 --> 00:09:06,415
You ready to play some b-ball?
217
00:09:06,458 --> 00:09:08,417
- B-ball?
More like C-ball.
218
00:09:08,460 --> 00:09:10,114
What is going on
with those shorts?
219
00:09:10,158 --> 00:09:11,812
- Oh, cute, right?
220
00:09:14,945 --> 00:09:16,425
I got 'em at a vintage store.
221
00:09:16,468 --> 00:09:19,297
Oh, to have been alive in 1976.
222
00:09:19,341 --> 00:09:22,779
- You were alive in 19--
- Oh, to have been alive.
223
00:09:22,823 --> 00:09:24,389
Should we play?
224
00:09:24,433 --> 00:09:26,000
- How does basketball start?
225
00:09:26,043 --> 00:09:28,219
Oh, we know this.
226
00:09:28,263 --> 00:09:29,438
- Two, three, four.
227
00:09:29,481 --> 00:09:32,484
both:
Brrr, it's cold in here.
228
00:09:32,528 --> 00:09:35,836
There must be some homos
in the atmosphere.
229
00:09:35,879 --> 00:09:37,185
- Hey, Jack.
230
00:09:37,228 --> 00:09:38,534
- Hey, Theodore.
231
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:41,145
Just shooting some hoops
with my buddy Will here.
232
00:09:41,189 --> 00:09:42,582
He's gonna be a dad soon,
233
00:09:42,625 --> 00:09:44,888
so he's freaking out
that his son might be straight.
234
00:09:44,932 --> 00:09:47,499
That whole thing.
- I'm not freaking out.
235
00:09:47,543 --> 00:09:49,589
I just don't want my son
to be embarrassed of me.
236
00:09:49,632 --> 00:09:50,764
So I gotta get good at sports
237
00:09:50,807 --> 00:09:53,767
in case he's born
theatrically-challenged.
238
00:09:53,810 --> 00:09:54,811
- So you brought this guy
239
00:09:54,855 --> 00:09:57,422
to teach you
how to play basketball?
240
00:09:57,466 --> 00:09:58,685
Gee, maybe I can teach you
how to play ice hockey
241
00:09:58,728 --> 00:09:59,816
a little later.
242
00:09:59,860 --> 00:10:01,644
- Ooh, I didn't even think
of hockey.
243
00:10:01,688 --> 00:10:02,689
That'd be great.
244
00:10:02,732 --> 00:10:05,430
- That was a joke,
because I'm black.
245
00:10:06,562 --> 00:10:07,998
I really appreciate you
not getting this,
246
00:10:08,042 --> 00:10:11,393
but I'm just saying there's
no way Jack's any good at...
247
00:10:13,830 --> 00:10:15,353
- Oh, did I just put the ball
in the thing?
248
00:10:15,397 --> 00:10:16,833
- Okay,
that was one lucky shot,
249
00:10:16,877 --> 00:10:19,401
but there's still no way
that Jack is any good at this.
250
00:10:21,882 --> 00:10:25,537
- I bet you're both wondering
why I'm so good at this.
251
00:10:25,581 --> 00:10:28,410
- No, I already know, it's--
- It all started in 2011.
252
00:10:29,759 --> 00:10:31,848
I auditioned for the role
of Troy
253
00:10:31,892 --> 00:10:34,677
in a local production
of "High School Musical."
254
00:10:35,896 --> 00:10:39,116
My audition song,
"Get'cha Head in the Game."
255
00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:41,858
Final moment, a perfect basket.
256
00:10:41,902 --> 00:10:44,905
I worked for weeks and weeks,
and at the end of my audition,
257
00:10:44,948 --> 00:10:48,430
this swish made
the perfect swish.
258
00:10:53,435 --> 00:10:54,392
- So you got the part?
259
00:10:54,436 --> 00:10:56,307
- No, I did not.
260
00:10:56,351 --> 00:10:58,005
- I believe their feedback was,
261
00:10:58,048 --> 00:11:01,617
"You are not a student
at this high school."
262
00:11:04,011 --> 00:11:05,926
- The point is...
263
00:11:07,754 --> 00:11:09,799
I made myself good
at basketball,
264
00:11:09,843 --> 00:11:11,235
and Will can too.
265
00:11:11,279 --> 00:11:12,715
- Well, all right,
I'll leave you all to it,
266
00:11:12,759 --> 00:11:14,412
and I'm digging
the '70s outfit.
267
00:11:14,456 --> 00:11:16,588
- Fabulous decade,
kills me to have missed it.
268
00:11:16,632 --> 00:11:19,026
- But aren't you--
- I missed it.
269
00:11:20,418 --> 00:11:24,074
- Let's meet our contestants,
shall we?
270
00:11:24,118 --> 00:11:27,338
First, we have Mario,
a transportation executive,
271
00:11:27,382 --> 00:11:30,298
or in Italian, a taxi driver.
272
00:11:32,300 --> 00:11:35,651
Next, we have Paolo,
a hotel pool boy.
273
00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:37,087
[laughs]
274
00:11:37,131 --> 00:11:39,699
He could fish dead frogs
out of my trap any ol' day.
275
00:11:42,658 --> 00:11:45,052
And finally,
we have Steve Buscemi
276
00:11:45,095 --> 00:11:46,967
on his best day ever...
277
00:11:50,579 --> 00:11:53,277
Who was travelling in Europe
with his family.
278
00:11:53,321 --> 00:11:54,714
- You're married?
- No.
279
00:11:54,757 --> 00:11:56,759
I was with my mom and dad.
280
00:11:56,803 --> 00:12:00,937
- You said you were 30.
- You said you were 30.
281
00:12:00,981 --> 00:12:03,940
- We're talking about you,
young man.
282
00:12:03,984 --> 00:12:05,289
How old are you?
283
00:12:05,333 --> 00:12:07,944
- I'm a senior... in college.
284
00:12:07,988 --> 00:12:09,076
- Oh, God, thank God.
285
00:12:11,469 --> 00:12:12,644
- I thought
we were getting a boat.
286
00:12:12,688 --> 00:12:14,385
I see no boat.
Where's the boat?
287
00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:17,301
- Okay, this is good.
288
00:12:17,345 --> 00:12:19,521
Let's play a little one-on-one.
289
00:12:25,832 --> 00:12:29,009
Okay, so, I'll be me
and you be my straight son.
290
00:12:29,052 --> 00:12:30,401
- Okay, great.
291
00:12:30,445 --> 00:12:31,968
Let's start by passing the ball
back and forth,
292
00:12:32,012 --> 00:12:36,190
but first, allow me
to build my character, okay?
293
00:12:36,233 --> 00:12:37,931
I'm a straight teen
who's embarrassed
294
00:12:37,974 --> 00:12:39,149
by his queer dad.
295
00:12:39,193 --> 00:12:42,849
And... found him.
296
00:12:42,892 --> 00:12:45,460
[in deep voice]
Hurry up, gay dad.
297
00:12:46,853 --> 00:12:48,985
I wanna go home and watch
an Adam Sandler movie
298
00:12:49,029 --> 00:12:51,988
on Netflix with my girlfriend
who I cheat on.
299
00:12:52,032 --> 00:12:54,077
- Perfect, perfect.
Okay, ready?
300
00:12:55,383 --> 00:12:56,863
- Throw harder.
301
00:12:56,906 --> 00:12:58,821
Why don't you pretend
it's something you can't stand,
302
00:12:58,865 --> 00:12:59,866
like a boob?
303
00:13:01,824 --> 00:13:04,609
- How would I pass you a boob,
a-and why?
304
00:13:04,653 --> 00:13:07,569
- Pass it!
Lame.
305
00:13:07,612 --> 00:13:09,745
Ugh, why did I have to have
a gay dad?
306
00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:12,269
Gordo's dad likes sports
and has a drinking problem,
307
00:13:12,313 --> 00:13:13,836
and I'm stuck with you.
308
00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:15,316
- I don't like this anymore.
309
00:13:15,359 --> 00:13:16,839
- Just pass me the ball.
- Jack.
310
00:13:16,883 --> 00:13:17,797
- [in normal voice]
Come on, Will.
311
00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:19,189
Is that the best you can do?
312
00:13:19,233 --> 00:13:20,756
You are embarrassing!
313
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,323
Ow!
314
00:13:22,366 --> 00:13:24,238
- I'm so sorry.
Are you okay?
315
00:13:24,281 --> 00:13:26,936
- Ow.
My finger feels a little funny.
316
00:13:29,417 --> 00:13:32,028
Huh, that's not right.
317
00:13:33,682 --> 00:13:34,901
- Jack!
[body thuds]
318
00:13:34,944 --> 00:13:37,860
Come on, buddy.
- [exhales]
319
00:13:37,904 --> 00:13:39,949
What happened?
320
00:13:39,993 --> 00:13:42,212
Oh, right.
321
00:13:42,256 --> 00:13:43,213
[body thuds]
322
00:13:43,257 --> 00:13:44,432
- Here we go.
323
00:13:46,086 --> 00:13:48,175
- Oh, thank God.
324
00:13:48,218 --> 00:13:50,830
For a minute there,
I thought...
325
00:13:54,529 --> 00:13:54,746
.
326
00:13:54,790 --> 00:13:57,097
[bright piano music]
327
00:13:57,140 --> 00:13:59,447
- I have some good news
and some bad news.
328
00:13:59,490 --> 00:14:02,015
The bad news is,
there is no boat.
329
00:14:02,058 --> 00:14:04,278
The good news is,
two of you aren't the father
330
00:14:04,321 --> 00:14:07,107
of Grace's fossil baby.
331
00:14:11,763 --> 00:14:15,419
- But it's not me.
I never sleep with this woman.
332
00:14:15,463 --> 00:14:17,987
- Yes, you did.
- But I don't remember.
333
00:14:19,423 --> 00:14:20,685
- You picked me up in your cab,
334
00:14:20,729 --> 00:14:22,296
and you took me back
to your place.
335
00:14:22,339 --> 00:14:24,428
The next morning,
we ate cold pizza
336
00:14:24,472 --> 00:14:26,822
and watched the sunrise
over the Trevi Fountain.
337
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,519
It was kind of wonderful.
338
00:14:29,564 --> 00:14:31,174
- If you say so.
339
00:14:33,220 --> 00:14:35,918
- I remember you,
changed my life.
340
00:14:35,962 --> 00:14:37,659
- See?
That's more like it.
341
00:14:37,702 --> 00:14:40,270
- Being with you, I realize
I don't like the women.
342
00:14:40,314 --> 00:14:42,011
I like the men.
343
00:14:45,188 --> 00:14:46,798
- Congratulations, Gracie.
344
00:14:46,842 --> 00:14:48,975
You turned another one gay.
345
00:14:49,018 --> 00:14:53,370
- You can't turn people gay.
- I can't, but you can.
346
00:14:55,198 --> 00:14:57,026
All right, gentlemen,
moment of truth.
347
00:14:57,070 --> 00:14:59,724
Let's get some DNA samples.
348
00:14:59,768 --> 00:15:02,945
Open up.
Thank you.
349
00:15:02,989 --> 00:15:04,468
You're next.
350
00:15:04,512 --> 00:15:05,861
- Wait, let me take out
my retainer.
351
00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:08,081
- Oh, my God.
352
00:15:08,124 --> 00:15:09,386
- There we go.
353
00:15:09,430 --> 00:15:12,737
All right, and now you.
354
00:15:25,663 --> 00:15:28,231
- Oh, my God, my pinkie.
355
00:15:28,275 --> 00:15:30,755
And this is my tea hand.
356
00:15:30,799 --> 00:15:33,193
- Jack, I'm so, so sorry.
357
00:15:33,236 --> 00:15:34,846
- Are they gonna cut it off?
358
00:15:34,890 --> 00:15:37,240
Should I take off my pants?
359
00:15:37,284 --> 00:15:38,502
I need a gown!
360
00:15:38,546 --> 00:15:40,461
Something mid-calf
and low heel.
361
00:15:40,504 --> 00:15:42,245
- Okay, Jack, Jack, Jack.
Hey, hey, hey.
362
00:15:42,289 --> 00:15:44,900
Listen to me.
It's gonna be all right, okay?
363
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:46,597
Okay, I promise you.
364
00:15:46,641 --> 00:15:49,774
Look, I stole this
from a cart in the hall.
365
00:15:49,818 --> 00:15:52,255
- Can you do the straw?
- Of course I can.
366
00:15:53,735 --> 00:15:56,999
I can't believe I got so upset
and humiliated
367
00:15:57,043 --> 00:15:58,174
just pretending with you.
368
00:15:58,218 --> 00:16:01,743
- [sucking]
369
00:16:01,786 --> 00:16:04,180
- I'm gonna be a disaster
as a dad.
370
00:16:04,224 --> 00:16:06,269
- Did you grab two?
- Of course I did, buddy.
371
00:16:08,750 --> 00:16:11,318
Where is that doctor?
372
00:16:11,361 --> 00:16:13,320
- Look, I know you're worried
373
00:16:13,363 --> 00:16:15,235
that your son is gonna be
embarrassed of you,
374
00:16:15,278 --> 00:16:19,717
but here's the thing,
he absolutely will be.
375
00:16:19,761 --> 00:16:21,937
Gay, straight, boy, or girl,
every kid is embarrassed
376
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:23,069
of their parents.
377
00:16:23,112 --> 00:16:24,896
- Huh.
378
00:16:24,940 --> 00:16:26,942
- At least you wanna bond
with your kid.
379
00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:29,205
You know how far ahead
of the game that puts you?
380
00:16:29,249 --> 00:16:30,728
Has your dad ever shown
an interest
381
00:16:30,772 --> 00:16:34,297
in anything you loved,
like the theater or...
382
00:16:34,341 --> 00:16:35,603
drying dishes?
383
00:16:37,909 --> 00:16:39,781
All you can do is show up,
384
00:16:39,824 --> 00:16:42,566
and you've already shown up
before your kid is even born.
385
00:16:42,610 --> 00:16:45,352
- Thanks, Jack.
- You're welcome.
386
00:16:45,395 --> 00:16:48,442
[upbeat piano music]
387
00:16:48,485 --> 00:16:49,878
- I don't wanna be rude,
but how do we know
388
00:16:49,921 --> 00:16:51,967
that we're the only three guys
that she did?
389
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:53,273
- That's true.
390
00:16:53,316 --> 00:16:54,883
It seemed like
her "for hire" sign
391
00:16:54,926 --> 00:16:57,886
is light up all the time.
392
00:16:57,929 --> 00:17:00,454
- It could be ten, twenty,
thirty guys.
393
00:17:00,497 --> 00:17:01,977
- What?
How dare you?
394
00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:02,978
[knock at door]
395
00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:04,849
You are the only three
396
00:17:04,893 --> 00:17:07,461
who could possibly be
the father.
397
00:17:07,504 --> 00:17:11,073
- I didn't have a vasectomy.
- And there was one more.
398
00:17:11,117 --> 00:17:12,683
- I panicked.
399
00:17:12,727 --> 00:17:14,294
Grace, I'm so sorry,
400
00:17:14,337 --> 00:17:15,469
but I'm prepared
to do the right thing.
401
00:17:15,512 --> 00:17:17,166
I will give up
all my hopes and dreams.
402
00:17:17,210 --> 00:17:18,994
I will swallow the very essence
of who I am,
403
00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:20,126
and I will marry you
404
00:17:20,169 --> 00:17:21,518
and I will help raise
this baby.
405
00:17:21,562 --> 00:17:24,913
- Was that a proposal
or a suicide note?
406
00:17:24,956 --> 00:17:27,046
- Can it be both?
407
00:17:27,089 --> 00:17:29,048
Sorry, it's that
jokes thing again.
408
00:17:29,091 --> 00:17:30,397
Grace, I'm sorry,
409
00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:33,704
and I-I'm so sorry
that I lied to you.
410
00:17:33,748 --> 00:17:36,011
- Did you also lie
about the mass murderers
411
00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:37,404
and the left-handedness?
412
00:17:37,447 --> 00:17:38,405
- Oh, it's the worst.
413
00:17:38,448 --> 00:17:39,362
In Italy, we say...
414
00:17:39,406 --> 00:17:41,799
[speaks Italian]
415
00:17:41,843 --> 00:17:43,758
- Who are these guys?
- Oh, these are the other men
416
00:17:43,801 --> 00:17:45,629
that Grace slept with
in Europe.
417
00:17:45,673 --> 00:17:46,717
- What?
418
00:17:46,761 --> 00:17:48,937
- Oh, thanks.
419
00:17:48,980 --> 00:17:51,896
[bright piano music]
420
00:17:51,940 --> 00:17:53,724
♪
421
00:17:58,164 --> 00:17:58,381
.
422
00:17:58,425 --> 00:18:01,384
- Sorry I was being so dramatic
about my finger.
423
00:18:01,428 --> 00:18:04,213
Probably didn't need to cry
as much as I did.
424
00:18:04,257 --> 00:18:05,910
- Are you kidding?
425
00:18:05,954 --> 00:18:08,217
You cry as much as you want.
It was scary.
426
00:18:08,261 --> 00:18:09,566
I was scared.
427
00:18:09,610 --> 00:18:11,786
I'm gonna find that doctor.
428
00:18:13,266 --> 00:18:15,746
- You're a good dad.
- Excuse me?
429
00:18:15,790 --> 00:18:17,313
- I heard
what you said in there.
430
00:18:17,357 --> 00:18:19,924
So many fathers come in here
with hurt little boys,
431
00:18:19,968 --> 00:18:21,622
yelling at them
to act like men.
432
00:18:21,665 --> 00:18:23,928
What does that even mean?
433
00:18:23,972 --> 00:18:25,930
I wish there were more dads
like you.
434
00:18:25,974 --> 00:18:28,019
- Well, that's nice to hear.
435
00:18:28,063 --> 00:18:30,109
- Let's take a look
at this little guy.
436
00:18:31,980 --> 00:18:33,808
Does somebody want a lolli?
437
00:18:33,851 --> 00:18:36,115
- Psych, already found 'em.
438
00:18:36,158 --> 00:18:39,248
[upbeat piano music]
439
00:18:39,292 --> 00:18:40,684
♪
440
00:18:40,728 --> 00:18:42,164
- Yeah, no, that's right,
Mother.
441
00:18:42,208 --> 00:18:45,036
I was in the hospital.
442
00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:47,909
Well, you'd know that
if you ever read my texts.
443
00:18:47,952 --> 00:18:49,911
[mouthing gibberish]
444
00:18:51,826 --> 00:18:53,393
No.
445
00:18:53,436 --> 00:18:55,786
I left my body, okay?
446
00:18:55,830 --> 00:18:59,312
I saw the light, Mother.
447
00:18:59,355 --> 00:19:01,270
I met God.
448
00:19:01,314 --> 00:19:05,231
Yes, I did, and he apologized
for dropping me off with you
449
00:19:05,274 --> 00:19:06,971
when I was supposed
to go to Barbra.
450
00:19:07,015 --> 00:19:09,278
I could be
Jason frickin' Gould right now.
451
00:19:09,322 --> 00:19:12,238
I could be shopping in
the underground mall, Judith!
452
00:19:12,281 --> 00:19:14,240
[elevator dings]
453
00:19:16,590 --> 00:19:19,070
Are you at the salon?
454
00:19:19,114 --> 00:19:22,596
No, I told you I wanted
to do your hair this week.
455
00:19:22,639 --> 00:19:24,685
No, don't be silly.
I'm never too busy for you.
456
00:19:24,728 --> 00:19:27,470
Just leave now,
I'll give you a quick blowout,
457
00:19:27,514 --> 00:19:28,950
and then we'll go
to Souplantation, all right?
458
00:19:28,993 --> 00:19:30,821
Byeeee.
459
00:19:30,865 --> 00:19:32,345
- That's it.
460
00:19:32,388 --> 00:19:34,085
In three weeks,
you will find out
461
00:19:34,129 --> 00:19:36,436
which one of those guys
is the father of your baby.
462
00:19:36,479 --> 00:19:38,481
For what it's worth,
I hope it's the young one,
463
00:19:38,525 --> 00:19:40,440
so that somebody's alive
when the kid goes to college.
464
00:19:43,225 --> 00:19:45,836
You going to the post office
or...
465
00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:47,925
- What am I doing?
466
00:19:47,969 --> 00:19:49,927
This isn't gonna tell me
who the father is.
467
00:19:49,971 --> 00:19:51,451
- I think that's exactly
what it's gonna do.
468
00:19:51,494 --> 00:19:54,236
- No, no.
Will, biology doesn't matter.
469
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:58,240
If this baby has a father,
it'll be someone I love,
470
00:19:58,284 --> 00:20:00,634
who wants to raise the baby
with me.
471
00:20:00,677 --> 00:20:03,027
And if that doesn't happen,
472
00:20:03,071 --> 00:20:05,465
I will give this child
everything it needs.
473
00:20:07,728 --> 00:20:10,165
- You're right.
You don't need anyone else.
474
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:11,819
You got me.
You got McCoy.
475
00:20:11,862 --> 00:20:14,343
- And if Idris Elba wants
to throw his hat in the ring,
476
00:20:14,387 --> 00:20:16,954
I will not kick him out of bed.
477
00:20:16,998 --> 00:20:18,260
- Perfect,
so you got four of us.
478
00:20:18,304 --> 00:20:20,088
We'll have to work out
a shower schedule.
479
00:20:20,131 --> 00:20:22,482
I guess you'll go first,
then the three of us.
480
00:20:22,525 --> 00:20:23,918
That was easy.
481
00:20:25,398 --> 00:20:28,618
- I'm gonna throw it away.
- Uh... allow me.
482
00:20:34,537 --> 00:20:38,106
Who's embarrassed now,
unborn child?
483
00:20:38,149 --> 00:20:41,152
That sounded weird,
but it felt good.
484
00:20:41,196 --> 00:20:42,589
[knock at door]
485
00:20:44,068 --> 00:20:45,983
- Excuse me, ma'am.
486
00:20:46,027 --> 00:20:47,246
- Hi, D.J.
487
00:20:47,289 --> 00:20:49,248
- My mom says
that if I am the dad
488
00:20:49,291 --> 00:20:51,424
that I have to invite you
to my fraternity formal.
489
00:20:53,513 --> 00:20:54,470
- Oh, come on.
490
00:20:54,514 --> 00:20:55,993
- It's at
the Spaghetti Factory.
491
00:20:56,037 --> 00:20:57,430
- When is it?
492
00:20:58,953 --> 00:20:59,954
- It's May 22nd.
493
00:20:59,997 --> 00:21:01,216
The theme is the 2000s.
494
00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:03,523
- That's already a theme?
495
00:21:03,566 --> 00:21:05,612
- Wait, did you sleep
with him too?
496
00:21:06,830 --> 00:21:09,659
- No, but trust me, I tried.
33078
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