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1
00:00:04,874 --> 00:00:06,702
- Europe was incredible,
2
00:00:06,745 --> 00:00:08,486
especially Italy.
3
00:00:08,530 --> 00:00:13,361
Oh, it was so fun to immerse
yourself in another culture.
4
00:00:14,188 --> 00:00:18,061
[Italian accent]
Pinocchio, spaghetti,
5
00:00:18,105 --> 00:00:21,586
Ariana Grande.
6
00:00:21,630 --> 00:00:24,067
- So what happened
with, uh, Marcus?
7
00:00:24,111 --> 00:00:28,071
- Marcus was good, dirty fun,
8
00:00:28,115 --> 00:00:29,725
and then we went
our separate ways.
9
00:00:29,768 --> 00:00:32,162
- Hit it and quit it,
I'm proud of you.
10
00:00:32,206 --> 00:00:34,164
- Oh, gosh,
it was so freeing, Will.
11
00:00:34,208 --> 00:00:37,820
For the first time in my life,
I did what I wanted,
12
00:00:37,863 --> 00:00:41,606
when I wanted,
and who I wanted.
13
00:00:41,650 --> 00:00:44,783
- You naughty, naughty,
I need specifics.
14
00:00:44,827 --> 00:00:46,307
And please convert
from metric.
15
00:00:46,350 --> 00:00:47,569
Centimeters aren't sexy.
16
00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:51,790
- In Greece, I fooled around
with a construction worker
17
00:00:51,834 --> 00:00:54,097
in the scoop
of a bulldozer.
18
00:00:54,141 --> 00:00:57,535
- Ooh, in my mind, I'm putting
a clean blanket underneath you.
19
00:00:57,579 --> 00:00:59,537
- You know what this trip
gave me, Will?
20
00:00:59,581 --> 00:01:01,757
- Gonorrhea?
21
00:01:03,411 --> 00:01:05,108
And whatever that is
on your ankle?
22
00:01:05,152 --> 00:01:06,631
- It's just a bug bite.
- Is it?
23
00:01:06,675 --> 00:01:09,852
'Cause it looks like what
you Italians call pepperoni.
24
00:01:09,895 --> 00:01:11,419
- I will get it checked.
25
00:01:11,462 --> 00:01:15,553
Anyway, it gave me
a new perspective.
26
00:01:15,597 --> 00:01:17,425
For the first time in my life,
27
00:01:17,468 --> 00:01:20,645
I am not worrying about
someone else's needs.
28
00:01:20,689 --> 00:01:23,518
It's--it's all about me.
29
00:01:23,561 --> 00:01:24,736
- I'm so happy for you.
30
00:01:24,780 --> 00:01:26,129
Can we talk about me
for one second?
31
00:01:26,173 --> 00:01:28,131
I'm worried
about me and McCoy.
32
00:01:28,175 --> 00:01:29,437
- Oh, honey, I know,
he's gorgeous,
33
00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:32,657
but time'll even it out.
34
00:01:32,701 --> 00:01:34,703
- It--it feels like
we're on hold.
35
00:01:34,746 --> 00:01:35,878
- You just got engaged.
36
00:01:35,921 --> 00:01:37,749
- I know,
but there's no intimacy.
37
00:01:37,793 --> 00:01:39,273
I mean, I'm here.
He's in London.
38
00:01:39,316 --> 00:01:41,275
His penis is always
five hours ahead.
39
00:01:42,450 --> 00:01:43,799
He wants
to have phone sex.
40
00:01:43,842 --> 00:01:45,148
- You should
ask Karen for help.
41
00:01:45,192 --> 00:01:47,237
She's really good
at phone sex.
42
00:01:47,281 --> 00:01:48,934
- You know the government's
listening in.
43
00:01:48,978 --> 00:01:50,327
I mean,
the last thing I wanna do
44
00:01:50,371 --> 00:01:52,895
is make another donation
to Mike Pence's spank bank.
45
00:01:52,938 --> 00:01:55,898
[upbeat trumpet
and piano music]
46
00:01:55,941 --> 00:02:03,123
♪
47
00:02:06,474 --> 00:02:07,475
- Morning.
48
00:02:10,304 --> 00:02:11,305
- Morning.
49
00:02:17,485 --> 00:02:18,834
- I'm having
a yard sale.
50
00:02:21,010 --> 00:02:22,446
See anything you like?
51
00:02:22,490 --> 00:02:23,621
- I like this shirt.
52
00:02:23,665 --> 00:02:25,884
That's why I bought it
for myself.
53
00:02:28,322 --> 00:02:30,193
You're raising money
for your transition
54
00:02:30,237 --> 00:02:32,543
from ferret to human?
55
00:02:32,587 --> 00:02:33,892
- I'm having a yard sale
56
00:02:33,936 --> 00:02:35,807
to get rid of
this hateful cuckoo clock
57
00:02:35,851 --> 00:02:38,201
that Estefan bought us
on our honeymoon.
58
00:02:38,245 --> 00:02:39,898
That way when
he sees it's missing,
59
00:02:39,942 --> 00:02:43,554
I can say, "Oh, no, I must have
sold it by mistake."
60
00:02:45,252 --> 00:02:47,602
Also, I love
being this guy.
61
00:02:47,645 --> 00:02:49,821
[changemaker clicking]
62
00:02:49,865 --> 00:02:51,432
He makes change.
63
00:02:51,475 --> 00:02:53,825
He lives his life.
64
00:02:53,869 --> 00:02:55,218
- If you don't
like the clock,
65
00:02:55,262 --> 00:02:56,480
why don't you
just tell your husband?
66
00:02:56,524 --> 00:02:58,265
- That may work for you
67
00:02:58,308 --> 00:03:01,442
and the redhead
you're married to,
68
00:03:01,485 --> 00:03:03,357
but homo don't play that.
69
00:03:04,532 --> 00:03:06,969
If I tell Estefan
how I feel,
70
00:03:07,012 --> 00:03:09,624
I risk hurting his feelings
and getting into a fight.
71
00:03:09,667 --> 00:03:11,887
- It's just a clock.
- Is it?
72
00:03:11,930 --> 00:03:13,845
- ♪ Come on, shake your body,
baby, do the conga ♪
73
00:03:13,889 --> 00:03:15,847
♪ I know you can't
control yourself any longer ♪
74
00:03:15,891 --> 00:03:18,676
[upbeat Latin
musical flourish]
75
00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:20,939
- Can you imagine
a little gay fool
76
00:03:20,983 --> 00:03:24,595
bursting through the door
every hour on the hour?
77
00:03:35,302 --> 00:03:36,346
- No.
78
00:03:38,043 --> 00:03:39,915
- What's all this
racket, Jack?
79
00:03:39,958 --> 00:03:41,438
- Hi, Mrs. Timmer.
80
00:03:41,482 --> 00:03:42,483
I was just having
a little yard sale.
81
00:03:42,526 --> 00:03:43,745
See anything you like?
82
00:03:43,788 --> 00:03:45,007
- You know I'm on the board.
83
00:03:45,050 --> 00:03:46,008
I can't allow you to--
84
00:03:46,051 --> 00:03:48,228
oh, I like this clock.
85
00:03:49,403 --> 00:03:50,926
Does it do anything?
86
00:03:52,014 --> 00:03:53,624
- ♪ Come on, shake your body,
baby, do the conga ♪
87
00:03:53,668 --> 00:03:55,887
♪ I know you can't
control yourself any longer ♪
88
00:03:55,931 --> 00:03:58,499
[upbeat Latin
musical flourish]
89
00:03:58,542 --> 00:03:59,630
[flatly]
That's the funniest thing
90
00:03:59,674 --> 00:04:01,719
I've ever seen.
91
00:04:01,763 --> 00:04:03,895
- Great, take it!
It's free!
92
00:04:03,939 --> 00:04:05,723
Live it!
Love it! Yeah!
93
00:04:05,767 --> 00:04:07,421
Go! All sales are final.
94
00:04:07,464 --> 00:04:09,771
Here, have a phone book
from 1994.
95
00:04:09,814 --> 00:04:12,600
[elevator dings]
96
00:04:12,643 --> 00:04:14,428
- Oh! La.
97
00:04:16,430 --> 00:04:18,388
- Hola!
98
00:04:19,128 --> 00:04:21,391
- Oh, my God, Estefan,
you're home early.
99
00:04:21,435 --> 00:04:23,611
- Captain Montague
had to turn the plane around
100
00:04:23,654 --> 00:04:28,659
because some queen threw
a ginger ale on Ann Coulter
101
00:04:28,703 --> 00:04:30,008
and she melted.
102
00:04:31,967 --> 00:04:35,362
I didn't know you were
having a yard sale.
103
00:04:35,405 --> 00:04:37,451
Have you sold anything yet?
104
00:04:37,494 --> 00:04:38,452
- Absolutely nothing.
105
00:04:38,495 --> 00:04:40,018
It's been so slow.
106
00:04:40,062 --> 00:04:41,629
- ♪ Come on, shake your body,
baby, do the conga ♪
107
00:04:41,672 --> 00:04:43,587
♪ I know you can't
control yourself any longer ♪
108
00:04:43,631 --> 00:04:44,936
[upbeat Latin
musical flourish]
109
00:04:44,980 --> 00:04:48,375
- Jack, if you have sold
nothing at this yard sale,
110
00:04:48,418 --> 00:04:53,118
then why do I hear the sound
of my beloved "kah-koo" clock
111
00:04:53,162 --> 00:04:55,947
coming from inside
of apartment 9B?
112
00:04:55,991 --> 00:04:59,560
[upbeat piano music]
113
00:04:59,603 --> 00:05:02,606
- [sobbing]
114
00:05:05,435 --> 00:05:08,438
[indistinct announcement
over PA]
115
00:05:11,485 --> 00:05:14,488
[sobbing continues]
116
00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:19,362
- [sighs] I know
I'm gonna regret this.
117
00:05:19,406 --> 00:05:20,450
You okay?
118
00:05:20,494 --> 00:05:22,800
- You see this bug bite?
119
00:05:22,844 --> 00:05:24,585
- Yeah.
120
00:05:24,628 --> 00:05:26,456
- I got it in Europe.
121
00:05:26,500 --> 00:05:27,457
It's just a bug bite.
122
00:05:27,501 --> 00:05:28,545
I mean, it's bad.
123
00:05:28,589 --> 00:05:29,764
It needs cream,
124
00:05:29,807 --> 00:05:32,332
cremain Italian.
125
00:05:33,855 --> 00:05:35,639
But the doctor
said something to me
126
00:05:35,683 --> 00:05:37,685
that you should
never tell a woman
127
00:05:37,728 --> 00:05:40,165
who is finally making
her life about herself:
128
00:05:40,209 --> 00:05:42,820
I'm pregnant!
129
00:05:42,864 --> 00:05:45,867
[sobbing]
130
00:05:46,694 --> 00:05:49,174
- Aren't you a little--
- Old?
131
00:05:49,218 --> 00:05:51,655
Yes!
132
00:05:51,699 --> 00:05:54,832
The doctor said
it was a freakin' miracle!
133
00:05:58,183 --> 00:05:58,358
.
134
00:05:58,401 --> 00:06:00,447
[whimsical piano music]
135
00:06:00,490 --> 00:06:02,492
- ♪ Come on, shake your body,
baby, do the conga ♪
136
00:06:02,536 --> 00:06:04,929
♪ I know you can't
control yourself any longer ♪
137
00:06:04,973 --> 00:06:07,497
[humming]
138
00:06:07,541 --> 00:06:09,325
Boom!
139
00:06:12,850 --> 00:06:15,287
[phone rings]
140
00:06:15,331 --> 00:06:17,289
Grace Something Designs,
Adderall speaking.
141
00:06:17,333 --> 00:06:18,813
How can I help you?
142
00:06:21,250 --> 00:06:22,294
Will?
143
00:06:22,338 --> 00:06:23,470
- Oh, Karen, hi.
144
00:06:23,513 --> 00:06:25,907
Sorry, I--I--I
must have butt-dialed you.
145
00:06:25,950 --> 00:06:30,172
- Is there anything
your people's butts can't do?
146
00:06:30,215 --> 00:06:33,480
- So far, I've yet
to be disappointed.
147
00:06:33,523 --> 00:06:35,046
But--but--but, really, I--
148
00:06:35,090 --> 00:06:36,613
- Oh, Wilma, stop it.
149
00:06:36,657 --> 00:06:38,354
You need my help
with phone sex.
150
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:39,355
Come on.
151
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:40,617
I'm a pansexual superstar.
152
00:06:40,661 --> 00:06:43,185
It's on my business card.
153
00:06:43,228 --> 00:06:44,534
Let's get to work.
154
00:06:44,578 --> 00:06:46,580
- Okay, look, I'm supposed
to FaceTime with McCoy
155
00:06:46,623 --> 00:06:48,103
during his break
between broadcasts,
156
00:06:48,146 --> 00:06:49,365
but I don't know what to say.
157
00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:51,323
- You know, maybe we should
loosen you up
158
00:06:51,367 --> 00:06:53,195
with a little light roleplay.
159
00:06:53,238 --> 00:06:56,328
You be you, and I'll be
that incredibly handsome man
160
00:06:56,372 --> 00:06:59,462
who hasn't yet realized
that he can do better.
161
00:06:59,506 --> 00:07:03,988
- You know, he's a straight ten
but a gay eight.
162
00:07:04,032 --> 00:07:06,382
- Here we go, but I warn you,
163
00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:09,646
my McCoy impersonation
is only so-so.
164
00:07:09,690 --> 00:07:13,084
[whispers]
Okay, all right.
165
00:07:13,128 --> 00:07:14,172
Brr.
166
00:07:14,216 --> 00:07:17,045
Okay.
[chuckles]
167
00:07:19,221 --> 00:07:20,962
[normal voice]
Hey, Will, it's McCoy.
168
00:07:22,398 --> 00:07:25,619
Listen, I've got my gay sex toy
plugged in with all...
169
00:07:27,534 --> 00:07:29,492
Seven attachments.
170
00:07:32,582 --> 00:07:34,192
Any thoughts?
171
00:07:36,586 --> 00:07:40,242
Ooh, the silent treatment.
172
00:07:42,592 --> 00:07:45,160
Yum, me likey.
[laughs]
173
00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:50,644
- The doctor said it was
a geriatric pregnancy.
174
00:07:52,733 --> 00:07:55,387
That's the term they use
for people over 35.
175
00:07:55,431 --> 00:07:58,042
It's really judgmental.
176
00:07:58,086 --> 00:08:00,001
- When I had my first,
I was 19.
177
00:08:00,044 --> 00:08:03,221
- That's a little young,
don't you think?
178
00:08:03,265 --> 00:08:06,398
- Compared
to your old ass?
179
00:08:06,442 --> 00:08:09,184
- [sniffles]
You're right. I'm sorry.
180
00:08:09,227 --> 00:08:14,406
It's just that I was
finally living my life for me,
181
00:08:14,450 --> 00:08:16,408
and now a baby?
182
00:08:16,452 --> 00:08:18,541
The timing is so bad.
183
00:08:18,585 --> 00:08:22,023
I was gonna do so many
great things with my life.
184
00:08:22,066 --> 00:08:23,111
- Like what?
185
00:08:23,154 --> 00:08:25,679
- I was gonna watch
so many shows.
186
00:08:25,722 --> 00:08:29,334
[sobbing]
187
00:08:33,469 --> 00:08:36,733
- I think you're gonna
put your hand
188
00:08:36,777 --> 00:08:38,300
right about here.
189
00:08:38,343 --> 00:08:41,259
[gasps]
So cold,
190
00:08:41,303 --> 00:08:43,697
and yet so hot.
191
00:08:45,481 --> 00:08:46,613
- [grunts]
192
00:08:46,656 --> 00:08:50,051
- Oh, you're an animal!
193
00:08:50,094 --> 00:08:51,748
- [grunts]
So close!
194
00:08:51,792 --> 00:08:54,011
- Oh, me too.
195
00:08:55,491 --> 00:08:57,449
I bet you're wearing jeans.
196
00:08:57,493 --> 00:08:59,669
I bet they're tight.
197
00:08:59,713 --> 00:09:02,280
I bet they're women's jeans.
198
00:09:04,761 --> 00:09:06,502
- Damn it.
199
00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:08,548
- [gasps]
Have I been bad?
200
00:09:08,591 --> 00:09:12,508
If I've been bad,
then you better punish me.
201
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:14,292
[giggles]
202
00:09:14,336 --> 00:09:17,078
I know you want to,
but you wouldn't dare.
203
00:09:17,121 --> 00:09:20,690
[gasps]
You would?
204
00:09:20,734 --> 00:09:22,126
And you are!
205
00:09:22,170 --> 00:09:28,480
And I..can't...stop you!
206
00:09:28,524 --> 00:09:30,744
- [breathing heavily]
I found it.
207
00:09:30,787 --> 00:09:33,094
- You certainly did.
208
00:09:38,665 --> 00:09:39,622
- Thank you.
209
00:09:39,666 --> 00:09:41,189
- Do you live
with the father,
210
00:09:41,232 --> 00:09:42,756
or are you on your own?
211
00:09:42,799 --> 00:09:44,279
- Neither.
212
00:09:44,322 --> 00:09:45,759
I live with
a different guy.
213
00:09:45,802 --> 00:09:50,285
- That's gonna be a fun
conversation when you get home.
214
00:09:50,328 --> 00:09:51,808
- Oh, no, it's fine.
He's gay.
215
00:09:51,852 --> 00:09:55,290
- You are like
a seven-layer dip of mistakes.
216
00:09:57,466 --> 00:09:59,729
Listen,
I have four kids.
217
00:09:59,773 --> 00:10:02,427
There's no perfect time
to have a baby.
218
00:10:02,471 --> 00:10:05,169
You figure it out.
219
00:10:05,213 --> 00:10:06,301
- I'm so scared.
220
00:10:06,344 --> 00:10:09,086
- Get used to it.
That never goes away.
221
00:10:11,262 --> 00:10:13,525
- Jack, why did I
just have to wrestle
222
00:10:13,569 --> 00:10:17,660
my very own "kah-koo" clock
away from that angry lady?
223
00:10:17,704 --> 00:10:21,359
- Honestly, I--I don't know
how she got it.
224
00:10:21,403 --> 00:10:23,666
- Well, obviously,
you sold it to her.
225
00:10:23,710 --> 00:10:26,451
- What are you insinuating?
226
00:10:26,495 --> 00:10:28,410
- That you sold it to her.
227
00:10:28,453 --> 00:10:32,283
- Okay, your stories are
getting crazier and crazier.
228
00:10:32,327 --> 00:10:34,372
Look, as soon
as I'm done with my day,
229
00:10:34,416 --> 00:10:37,071
I'll put the clock
back, okay?
230
00:10:37,114 --> 00:10:38,638
- I do not trust you
with that clock!
231
00:10:38,681 --> 00:10:40,727
- I said
I'll put it back.
232
00:10:51,563 --> 00:10:54,741
- Jack, why are you
clock-blocking?
233
00:10:58,745 --> 00:11:01,269
- Estefan, look,
okay, I'm sorry, all right?
234
00:11:01,312 --> 00:11:02,705
The truth is,
I hate this clock.
235
00:11:02,749 --> 00:11:05,099
- [scoffs]
- Even more than I hate a woman
236
00:11:05,142 --> 00:11:08,755
in a dress and sneakers
holding a Diet Coke.
237
00:11:08,798 --> 00:11:10,234
I--I--I tried to sell it
238
00:11:10,278 --> 00:11:12,280
because I don't
wanna start a fight.
239
00:11:12,323 --> 00:11:13,673
- We are not fighting.
240
00:11:13,716 --> 00:11:15,762
We are just being honest
with each other.
241
00:11:15,805 --> 00:11:16,893
You can sell it.
242
00:11:16,937 --> 00:11:18,808
- I can?
- Sí,
243
00:11:18,852 --> 00:11:22,594
as long as I can sell something
of yours that I hate.
244
00:11:22,638 --> 00:11:23,770
- Sure, whatever.
245
00:11:23,813 --> 00:11:25,597
I mean, anything
to avoid a fight.
246
00:11:25,641 --> 00:11:26,816
Fine.
247
00:11:29,253 --> 00:11:32,169
- Your big-boy baby doll.
248
00:11:34,911 --> 00:11:36,130
- [screams]
Cher?
249
00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:40,700
[deep voice]
You put her down, you.
250
00:11:41,788 --> 00:11:43,746
She is a national treasure.
251
00:11:43,790 --> 00:11:45,748
No, whoa, whoa.
252
00:11:45,792 --> 00:11:47,141
Stop it!
253
00:11:47,184 --> 00:11:48,446
She's been through enough!
254
00:11:48,490 --> 00:11:50,622
She was born in the wagon
of a traveling show!
255
00:11:50,666 --> 00:11:52,363
- Jack, you want your doll?
256
00:11:52,407 --> 00:11:55,149
Catch her
on her farewell tour!
257
00:11:57,325 --> 00:12:01,633
[doll whooshing]
258
00:12:01,677 --> 00:12:03,461
[doll thuds]
259
00:12:04,985 --> 00:12:07,901
- [slow motion]
No!
260
00:12:14,255 --> 00:12:17,693
[screaming]
261
00:12:24,352 --> 00:12:26,963
[humming]
[swanky lounge music]
262
00:12:27,007 --> 00:12:30,184
[screaming]
263
00:12:34,449 --> 00:12:37,582
[breathing heavily]
264
00:12:37,626 --> 00:12:39,280
I got you, babe.
265
00:12:42,022 --> 00:12:42,239
.
266
00:12:42,283 --> 00:12:44,764
[plucky piano music]
267
00:12:44,807 --> 00:12:47,418
- Hi. Okay, I got 20 minutes
until I go on the air.
268
00:12:47,462 --> 00:12:49,290
- Great.
- Oh, by the way,
269
00:12:49,333 --> 00:12:52,293
"HELLO! Magazine" just voted me
England's Best Teeth.
270
00:12:52,336 --> 00:12:56,253
- Ooh, who came in second,
the queen's rabbit?
271
00:12:56,297 --> 00:12:59,691
- Aw, I miss your jokes
that I don't quite get.
272
00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:03,173
So should we--uh,
should we start?
273
00:13:03,217 --> 00:13:05,697
- Oh, yeah.
274
00:13:10,485 --> 00:13:11,834
- Will?
275
00:13:11,878 --> 00:13:13,140
Have we started?
276
00:13:13,183 --> 00:13:15,838
- Oh, it started.
277
00:13:15,882 --> 00:13:17,318
- Okay, you're not
doing anything.
278
00:13:17,361 --> 00:13:18,449
- No, no, I am.
279
00:13:18,493 --> 00:13:19,886
I'm giving you
the silent treatment,
280
00:13:19,929 --> 00:13:22,366
and it is sexy.
281
00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:25,326
Trust me, it's good.
282
00:13:25,369 --> 00:13:26,414
Drove Karen wild.
283
00:13:26,457 --> 00:13:27,981
- You had phone sex
with Karen?
284
00:13:28,024 --> 00:13:30,157
- It wasn't consensual.
285
00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:31,462
Just give it a minute.
286
00:13:33,464 --> 00:13:34,509
- [yawns]
287
00:13:34,552 --> 00:13:35,510
- Are you falling asleep?
288
00:13:35,553 --> 00:13:36,772
- No, I'm so sorry.
289
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:38,078
It's just,
it's really late here,
290
00:13:38,121 --> 00:13:40,384
and the news
is soboring.
291
00:13:40,428 --> 00:13:44,258
- Look, I--I gotta
do something real quick.
292
00:13:44,301 --> 00:13:48,349
Just...Google
glistening Paul Newman.
293
00:13:48,392 --> 00:13:50,133
[phone rings]
294
00:13:50,177 --> 00:13:53,006
- Bladder and Sons,
this is Connie.
295
00:13:53,049 --> 00:13:54,746
- Karen, I'm bombing.
296
00:13:54,790 --> 00:13:56,096
- What do ya talk?
297
00:13:56,139 --> 00:13:58,185
You were so good
with me this afternoon,
298
00:13:58,228 --> 00:14:00,883
I've been sitting on
a bag of frozen peas all day.
299
00:14:00,927 --> 00:14:03,059
- I didn't touch you!
300
00:14:04,234 --> 00:14:06,019
Besides,
I'm putting him to sleep.
301
00:14:06,062 --> 00:14:09,370
I'm pretty much
the C-SPAN of phone sex.
302
00:14:09,413 --> 00:14:11,198
- Honey, you gotta go wild.
303
00:14:11,241 --> 00:14:12,895
Let's talk lubricants,
304
00:14:12,939 --> 00:14:15,115
and I'm not talking
about bed stuff.
305
00:14:15,158 --> 00:14:17,465
I'm talking about
under-the-sink stuff,
306
00:14:17,508 --> 00:14:20,772
you know, stuff that burns,
stuff that's for metal.
307
00:14:22,122 --> 00:14:25,560
- Can we talk like human beings
for a minute?
308
00:14:25,603 --> 00:14:27,867
I'm trying to be intimate
with the man I love,
309
00:14:27,910 --> 00:14:29,956
and it's--it's just not sexy.
310
00:14:29,999 --> 00:14:33,220
- Will, honey, you're making
this too complicated.
311
00:14:33,263 --> 00:14:35,265
Just tell him what you want.
312
00:14:35,309 --> 00:14:38,312
Isn't there something you've
always wanted to do with a guy
313
00:14:38,355 --> 00:14:40,227
maybe something
you've never done before,
314
00:14:40,270 --> 00:14:41,532
but don't give me
any specifics.
315
00:14:41,576 --> 00:14:43,839
That stuff grosses me out.
316
00:14:49,105 --> 00:14:50,063
- Hi.
317
00:14:50,106 --> 00:14:51,542
- Hey.
318
00:14:51,586 --> 00:14:53,936
- McCoy, can I tell you
what I want?
319
00:14:53,980 --> 00:14:55,416
- Of course.
320
00:14:55,459 --> 00:14:57,331
- It's not phone sex.
321
00:14:57,374 --> 00:15:00,029
Although, please, feel free
to leave your pants off.
322
00:15:02,989 --> 00:15:05,817
I--I--I don't want to be
on hold anymore.
323
00:15:05,861 --> 00:15:07,994
I wanna--I wanna talk about us,
about our wedding,
324
00:15:08,037 --> 00:15:10,910
whether we should register at
Bergdorf's or Bloomingdale's.
325
00:15:10,953 --> 00:15:13,347
- Bergdorf's.
- Of course Bergdorf's.
326
00:15:13,390 --> 00:15:15,958
See, this works for me.
327
00:15:16,002 --> 00:15:18,569
McCoy, I wanna talk
about our future.
328
00:15:19,527 --> 00:15:20,571
- Okay.
329
00:15:21,485 --> 00:15:23,835
- I want us to have a baby.
330
00:15:27,013 --> 00:15:29,015
- [laughing]
331
00:15:29,058 --> 00:15:30,886
[glass shatters]
Oh!
332
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:32,975
Okay, that was amazing!
333
00:15:33,019 --> 00:15:35,325
- Now who's watching
the yard sale?
334
00:15:37,023 --> 00:15:40,113
- Jack, do you know
what I despise?
335
00:15:40,156 --> 00:15:42,593
- Besides the letter S?
I can't imagine.
336
00:15:44,900 --> 00:15:46,293
- Being lied to.
337
00:15:46,336 --> 00:15:47,642
If you hated
my "kah-koo" clock so much,
338
00:15:47,685 --> 00:15:49,035
you should have
just told me.
339
00:15:49,078 --> 00:15:50,340
- I didn't want us
to have a fight.
340
00:15:50,384 --> 00:15:51,994
- Why? What is the big deal
about fighting?
341
00:15:52,038 --> 00:15:53,343
- Because...
342
00:15:53,387 --> 00:15:55,519
we're married now.
- So?
343
00:15:55,563 --> 00:15:59,001
- When married people fight,
they get divorced.
344
00:15:59,045 --> 00:16:01,525
It happened to my mom.
It happened to my dad...
345
00:16:04,050 --> 00:16:07,314
Literally every parent
in my life.
346
00:16:07,357 --> 00:16:08,880
And I'm not gonna let
that happen to us,
347
00:16:08,924 --> 00:16:10,317
so from now on,
if we get mad at each other,
348
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:12,145
we're just gonna
have to stuff it deep down
349
00:16:12,188 --> 00:16:13,320
and not acknowledge it.
350
00:16:13,363 --> 00:16:15,017
- That is crazy.
351
00:16:15,061 --> 00:16:18,499
We are two passionate men
with minds of our own
352
00:16:18,542 --> 00:16:22,024
and the perfect amount
of body hair...
353
00:16:22,068 --> 00:16:23,199
none.
354
00:16:24,374 --> 00:16:25,593
Of course
we will fight.
355
00:16:25,636 --> 00:16:28,552
- We can't, okay?
Not anymore.
356
00:16:28,596 --> 00:16:31,033
You have to promise me.
The stakes are too high.
357
00:16:31,077 --> 00:16:32,295
- I do not care about
358
00:16:32,339 --> 00:16:34,341
the altitude of the stakes,
okay, Jack?
359
00:16:34,384 --> 00:16:37,387
I only promise you
that when you are wrong,
360
00:16:37,431 --> 00:16:39,911
I will always fight
with you forever.
361
00:16:42,218 --> 00:16:45,047
- You did just say
"always" and "forever."
362
00:16:45,091 --> 00:16:48,050
- Even when we are very old
and maybe you have a sickness
363
00:16:48,094 --> 00:16:51,053
and I still have my health,
I will fight you.
364
00:16:51,097 --> 00:16:53,621
- In sickness and in health.
365
00:16:53,664 --> 00:16:56,972
- I will not stop
until the last breath
366
00:16:57,016 --> 00:17:00,410
leaves your hairless,
incorrect body.
367
00:17:01,716 --> 00:17:03,674
- Till death do us part.
368
00:17:03,718 --> 00:17:07,243
Oh, Steffie, we're really not
gonna turn out like my parents.
369
00:17:07,287 --> 00:17:09,071
We're gonna be together
forever, aren't we?
370
00:17:09,115 --> 00:17:11,465
- Mi amor,of course.
371
00:17:11,508 --> 00:17:14,250
I love you.
I could never leave you.
372
00:17:14,294 --> 00:17:17,340
- Then let's always fight.
373
00:17:18,733 --> 00:17:20,561
But not now.
Let's be done with this one.
374
00:17:20,604 --> 00:17:23,042
- Maybe we go upstairs
and hose each other down.
375
00:17:23,085 --> 00:17:25,218
- Great idea,
but before that,
376
00:17:25,261 --> 00:17:27,263
I really need a shower.
377
00:17:31,137 --> 00:17:31,528
.
378
00:17:31,572 --> 00:17:34,444
[cheerful piano music]
379
00:17:34,488 --> 00:17:36,098
♪
380
00:17:36,142 --> 00:17:37,447
- There you are.
381
00:17:37,491 --> 00:17:38,796
I've been dying
to talk to you.
382
00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:41,190
So McCoy and I
were trying to have phone sex,
383
00:17:41,234 --> 00:17:43,540
and then something
a whole lot bigger came up
384
00:17:43,584 --> 00:17:45,107
that blew that
right out of the water.
385
00:17:45,151 --> 00:17:46,195
I shouldn't say bigger.
386
00:17:46,239 --> 00:17:47,805
It's actually
something really small,
387
00:17:47,849 --> 00:17:51,113
about the size of a--
oh, I don't know, a baby?
388
00:17:51,157 --> 00:17:52,810
- How did--
how did you know?
389
00:17:52,854 --> 00:17:54,595
- I just knew.
390
00:17:54,638 --> 00:17:57,859
- Wow, and--
and this is good news?
391
00:17:57,902 --> 00:17:59,121
- Obviously.
392
00:17:59,165 --> 00:18:01,123
I mean, I'm--I'm
still not totally clear
393
00:18:01,167 --> 00:18:03,256
how the actual
impregnation part of it works,
394
00:18:03,299 --> 00:18:05,562
but I watched a video,
and I think I got the gist.
395
00:18:07,825 --> 00:18:10,741
- You had to watch a video?
How gay are you?
396
00:18:12,265 --> 00:18:13,570
- What does that mean?
397
00:18:13,614 --> 00:18:15,137
Why are you not
more excited about this?
398
00:18:15,181 --> 00:18:16,965
- It's just a lot
to consider,
399
00:18:17,008 --> 00:18:19,054
I mean, like the age thing,
which is kind of a bummer.
400
00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:20,751
- Oh, thanks,
that's a terrible thing to say.
401
00:18:20,795 --> 00:18:22,927
- Not to mention
a lot of people think
402
00:18:22,971 --> 00:18:25,626
that a baby should
have a man in its life.
403
00:18:25,669 --> 00:18:27,976
- Well, now you're
just being hurtful.
404
00:18:28,977 --> 00:18:30,631
You know, maybe we
don't own tool belts,
405
00:18:30,674 --> 00:18:33,938
but McCoy and I add up
to at least one man between us.
406
00:18:35,201 --> 00:18:36,854
- Wait, you and McCoy
are having a baby?
407
00:18:36,898 --> 00:18:38,987
- Yes, that's what
I've been trying to tell you.
408
00:18:39,030 --> 00:18:41,120
- Oh.
- What did you think I was--
409
00:18:41,163 --> 00:18:42,121
No.
410
00:18:42,164 --> 00:18:43,948
- Yep.
411
00:18:43,992 --> 00:18:45,689
- You're telling me
that you're--
412
00:18:45,733 --> 00:18:47,996
- Yep.
413
00:18:48,039 --> 00:18:51,173
And, believe me, I already
know all the problems.
414
00:18:51,217 --> 00:18:53,610
The doctor told me.
The lady on the subway told me.
415
00:18:53,654 --> 00:18:55,612
My sisters both told me
when I called them.
416
00:18:55,656 --> 00:18:59,921
I'm too old. I don't have any--
- Grace, this is the best news!
417
00:19:01,923 --> 00:19:03,229
- It is?
418
00:19:04,230 --> 00:19:05,753
- God, they're gonna
be so cute.
419
00:19:05,796 --> 00:19:07,842
And we'll race 'em
around the living room,
420
00:19:07,885 --> 00:19:09,148
and of course they're
gonna be best friends.
421
00:19:09,191 --> 00:19:10,845
- Okay, wait, wait.
422
00:19:10,888 --> 00:19:14,196
You don't think that
I'm a little old and unwed
423
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:17,852
and, you know, me?
424
00:19:17,895 --> 00:19:20,071
- No, none of those things
even occurred to me.
425
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:22,596
- Of course they didn't.
426
00:19:22,639 --> 00:19:25,207
- I'm just thinking what an
amazing mom you're gonna be.
427
00:19:25,251 --> 00:19:26,861
- I think that too.
428
00:19:26,904 --> 00:19:29,211
- Besides, I'm--I'm
older than you are.
429
00:19:29,255 --> 00:19:32,040
I mean, by the time
this baby's my age, I'll be...
430
00:19:32,083 --> 00:19:34,129
well, I'll be dead,
so new rule:
431
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:36,262
no more math
in this apartment.
432
00:19:36,305 --> 00:19:38,046
- Is this crazy?
433
00:19:38,089 --> 00:19:39,743
We've already
been down that road,
434
00:19:39,787 --> 00:19:41,876
we talked,
we processed,
435
00:19:41,919 --> 00:19:44,270
and we closed
the book on this.
436
00:19:44,313 --> 00:19:46,010
- Yes, and just like
every other book
437
00:19:46,054 --> 00:19:47,969
that we have read
over the past ten years,
438
00:19:48,012 --> 00:19:50,580
we closed the book
before we were finished.
439
00:19:52,930 --> 00:19:54,932
We're talking
about our babies.
440
00:19:54,976 --> 00:19:55,977
We're having babies!
441
00:19:56,020 --> 00:19:57,848
- We're having babies.
442
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:04,594
- Silence!
443
00:20:04,638 --> 00:20:08,207
- I need everyone's attention
because I've got big boobs.
444
00:20:09,295 --> 00:20:12,080
I mean, big news.
445
00:20:12,123 --> 00:20:14,735
Then again, look at 'em.
446
00:20:14,778 --> 00:20:16,258
Wait, why are we here?
447
00:20:16,302 --> 00:20:17,868
- You're taking us
all out to dinner
448
00:20:17,912 --> 00:20:19,696
so I can share
my big news.
449
00:20:19,740 --> 00:20:20,828
- Oh, what is it?
450
00:20:20,871 --> 00:20:22,351
- Estefan and I survived
451
00:20:22,395 --> 00:20:24,048
our first fight
as a married couple,
452
00:20:24,092 --> 00:20:26,094
and now I feel like
I can survive anything.
453
00:20:26,137 --> 00:20:28,270
That's why we're talking
about having a baby.
454
00:20:31,969 --> 00:20:33,144
What was that for?
455
00:20:33,188 --> 00:20:34,668
- You're not having a kid!
456
00:20:34,711 --> 00:20:37,105
We don't do kids!
457
00:20:37,148 --> 00:20:38,280
It would mess up
everything!
458
00:20:38,324 --> 00:20:39,890
Look around you.
459
00:20:39,934 --> 00:20:41,675
Nobody in this room
460
00:20:41,718 --> 00:20:44,895
should ever even think
about having a baby...
461
00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:51,293
Not you, not me, not him,
and certainly not her.
462
00:20:53,339 --> 00:20:55,776
- Oh, my God,
you're right.
463
00:20:55,819 --> 00:20:58,909
It--it--it would be insane
for any one of us
464
00:20:58,953 --> 00:21:00,737
to bring a child
into the world.
465
00:21:00,781 --> 00:21:03,653
Right, you guys?
Come on, let's go.
466
00:21:07,222 --> 00:21:08,354
- Should we tell 'em?
467
00:21:08,397 --> 00:21:11,052
- Eh, let's wait
till one of us is showing.
468
00:21:11,095 --> 00:21:13,141
[upbeat piano flourish]
31213
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