All language subtitles for Nish.Kumar.Your.Power.Your.Control.2023.2160p.4K.WEB.x265.10bit.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX].mkvNish.Kumar.Your.Power.Your.Control.2023.2160p.4K.WEB.x265.10bit.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]_track3_[eng]

This programme
contains strong language

and adult themes.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Good to see you all.

Good to see you all.

Lovely to see you.
We love you, Romesh!

Great to see you. Good to be back.

This is the first show
that I've toured

since late 2019 for reasons.

And if I had to sum up the events
of the intervening period,

I would do it by telling you
about two text messages

a friend of mine received.
He received the first text message

in the month of March
of the year of our Lord 2020.

Now, this text message
was from, no judgements,

his drug dealer.
(LAUGHTER)

And the message read as follows.

"We will now be doing
socially distanced deliveries."

(LAUGHTER)

"Our riders will
be masked at all times

"whilst maintaining a safe two-metre
distance and, where possible,

"will deposit packages
outside of premises.

"Because our priority..."
(LAUGHTER)

"..is the health and well-being

"of our customers and employees."
What does this mean?

This means a group of people
whose job it is to sell drugs

had a better handle on how to
manage a public health crisis

than most of
the world's governments.

Drug dealers had a better idea.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

He received the second text
message in September of 2022

and he received it from the same
drug dealer. Of course he did.

You're not gonna let go
of that kind of customer service.

(LAUGHTER)

And the second text message
read as follows.

"We will now be freezing our prices

"in light of the crippling
rise in the cost of living

"facing the people
of the United Kingdom."

Next time you go
to the polls, people,

vote drug dealers and vote often.

# Looks like another
day for dreams! #

It's nice to be back. It's nice
to be doing this job again.

Which feels like a weird
thing to say because

most of what my job is
is telling jokes about the news.

What a time to be telling
jokes about the news.

The literal definition of fiddling
as the world burns around us.

Feels like we're entering
the endgame. Oh-ho-ho!

Climate change is all we
should be talking about, right?

It's the biggest threat facing us as
a species and the biggest challenge

we face within the overall challenge
of climate change is how to get

conservatives
to care about climate change.

I've had a think about it.
I've come up with an idea.

I'm a very clever guy.
(LAUGHTER)

Here's what you do. You stop
referring to it as climate change or

climate crisis and start referring
to it as climate immigration.

Foreign weather is coming over here,

it can't be stopped by building
a wall or stopping small boats.

It's in the air, turning
cold patriotic British weather

into hot foreign nonsense,

raining tikka masala
down on the centre of London,

tidal waves of jerk spices sullying
the once white cliffs of Dover.

Some of it's Sharia weather.
(LAUGHTER)

And you have to
justify telling jokes

about the news at a time like this.

You have to justify it.
And here's how I justify it.

I'm trying to make myself
and audiences feel better

for a moment about
things that feel scary.

That's all I'm doing here.
I'm not changing any minds.

You didn't come to see
a political comedian

because you wanted
to be challenged.

You came because you wanted to have
your opinions that you already hold

reinforced in the company
of like-minded strangers.

That's why you're here.
(CHEERING)

That's why you came.
(APPLAUSE)

I'm just trying to
make us all feel better

about scary things for a moment.
And that's what I think

comedy still is able to do.
You can't change minds

but you can make people
feel better about scary things.

That's why I tell so many jokes
about racism. I tell a lot of jokes

about racism because it still
really scares and upsets me.

Every person of colour you know
viscerally remembers

the first time
they were racially abused.

For me, I was four years old and
a kid at school called me a Paki.

Now, that's a terrible word. It's
a slur used against South Asians.

It was daubed on the shopfronts
of South-Asian-owned businesses

and shouted at
our mothers and fathers

by skinheaded Nazi thugs
in the 1970s.

But, at the time, I was
four years old and I didn't know

what that word meant
because I'd just been at home

with my mum and my dad and my
brother and we were all Indian,

so it would've been weird
if we'd been racist to each other.

So when he called me a Paki, I said,
"Ooh, what's that?" (LAUGHTER)

And he said, "It's a bad word
because your parents are Indian."

Then I went home and cried to my
mother. And that's why I tell jokes

about racism,
to make myself feel less scared.

And that's why I tell
jokes about the news,

to make us all feel less scared
for a moment, so we can exhale.

That's what I've been doing
for the last half decade,

going on stage telling jokes about
the news, going on television

telling jokes about the news,
going on radio telling jokes

about the news. And I'll be honest
with you, it's gone very well.

(LAUGHTER)
I don't wish to be crass

but complaining about
racism and capitalism

has made this Paki very wealthy.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

What a wealthy little Paki!

Go on stage, "Fuck you, white man."

Cha-ching! Another for
the Faberge egg collection.

# I love being a rich fat Paki! #

(LAUGHTER) And when I did
these shows in America this year,

the same show, I did it in America,
and they seemed very intrigued

by the idea that
we have racism in Britain.

An American friend of mine actually
said to me, "What do you think

"the differences are between British
racism and American racism?"

I thought for a moment
and I said this.

I believe the differences
between our respective racisms

are the same as the differences
between our respective versions

of the television sitcom
The Office.

British racism,
like the British Office,

it's subtle, it's in the pocket.
A lot of the time,

it's more about what's not said
than what is said.

American racism goes on and on

because it has an infinite budget.

And the longer it goes on,
the more it is starting

to feature increasingly
incoherent celebrity cameos.

(LAUGHTER)
But crucially,

as with racism and The Office,
we fucking invented both, OK?

(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

The British invented racism,
we invented The Office.

Fuck you, the Steves,
be you Bannon or Carell.

(LAUGHTER) So, look,
I've got a very nice career.

I make jokes about the news.
I've done very well out of it.

There's one problem.
Sometimes when people talk about

stand-up comedy,
they compare it to jazz music.

Now I think this is largely
bollocks, with one exception.

Lenny Bruce, an American comedian,
one of the great early innovators

of this artform, used to perform
stand-up comedy in jazz clubs.

Bebop jazz musicians, like
Dizzy Gillespie and Charlie Parker,

would play jazz and then Lenny Bruce
would go out and perform

stand-up comedy and, whether
consciously or unconsciously,

Bruce appears to have absorbed
the rhythms of those musicians.

And so if you listen
to a Lenny Bruce routine now,

not what he's saying,
the rhythm the words are making,

it sounds like jazz.
So Lenny Bruce is the only comedian

who can reasonably be
compared to jazz. Until now!

(LAUGHTER)
Because my comedy is like jazz

in that, I think it's lovely but
people fucking hate it. (LAUGHTER)

Oh, people fucking hate
my jazz, man.

Oh, they get so angry.

And whenever I say that,
people who have paid to see me,

like you, look sadly at me
as if to say, "Oh, no, he knows."

Yeah, I know. I've read
all the things you've read.

I've Googled myself.
I've Binged myself.

I Asked Jeeves,
he called me an arsehole.

I am well aware of the extent
to which everyone fuck...

I've got to stop saying
everyone fucking hates me.

My girlfriend said, "Nish,
you have to stop going on stage

"and saying everyone
fucking hates me."

Now, I think she meant
the next bit to be reassuring.

It did not come out that way.
She said,

"Nish, most people don't know
who you are." (LAUGHTER)

I'm divisive. That's what I'll say.
I'm divisive.

I'm so divisive that I can
divide a single organisation.

The Times of London newspaper in
the last six years has described me

as being both one of the most
talented young comedians we have

and a left-leaning comedian
whose stock-in-trade appears to be

biting the hand that feeds him.

Now, that second comment
doesn't come from a comedy review.

It comes from an opinion piece
written by a journalist

who happened to see me
give a performance at an event

and he thought my performance
was disgusting and offensive.

The name of the event
I was performing at,

I promise you this is true,
the Freedom Of Expression Awards.

(LAUGHTER)

The edgiest comedian
that's ever lived,

too offensive for the
Free Speech Oscars. (LAUGHTER)

And the reason that I'm
written about in the papers,

which I think is weird, full stop,

But the reason I'm written about
in the news and opinion sections

of newspapers is because
in the summer of 2017,

I hosted a show called
The Mash Report,

which was on the British
Broadcasting Corporation.

It was a political comedy show.
Imagine The Daily Show

but if it was weekly and had a
budget of three pence. (LAUGHTER)

But we started doing the show
and I worked with a group of people

that I really love very dearly,
and we made a programme

that I was really proud of.
And in the summer of 2017,

no-one watched it, which was fine.

Then in January of 2018,
something terrible happened,

people started watching it.
Clips from the show went viral

and it landed on the radar of
several people who did not like it.

And all of those people had columns
in conservative newspapers.

I would open conservative newspapers
and see articles with my face on

that said, "Get this fucking comedy
show off the television,

"it's the most offensive comedy
show. Get it off the television.

"Get it off the television.
Get it off the television."

"I'd turn the page and
there'd be an article that said,

Is Cancel Culture Killing Comedy?
(LAUGHTER)

"Have the woke left cancelled

"our ability to have a laugh?!"
Then you'd turn the page.

"Get this fucking Indian man
off the television.

"He's poking fun at Boris Johnson,
my friend, my only friend."

(LAUGHTER)

Now, the reason that they
were upset was they said

that our show was biased towards
the left of the political spectrum

and, as such, compromised
the BBC as a taxpayer-funded

public broadcaster's
commitment to impartiality.

Now, I'm not going
to get into the details

of the specific terms
of the BBC's charter

but the BBC does have a commitment
to impartiality in its news output.

The BBC is not required
to be comedically impartial.

The BBC doesn't have
to occasionally show an episode

where Fleabag fucks an ugly priest.
They don't have to do that.

"Oh, the BBC,
Fleabag fucked a hot priest!

"What about an ugly priest?
Where is the balance at the BBC?

"What about a hot imam
or a Buddhist monk

"who's all right
from certain angles?"

The intensity of the coverage
and its hostility increased

and increased and increased. As host
of the show, I was often the face

of those articles and the negative
press interest in me started

to increase and increase and
increase. Then it culminated

in an incident that had nothing
to do with the television show

but everything to do
with the last major event

to happen in my life
before the world went on hold.

On the 2nd of December 2019,

I found myself in either
Park Lane or Mayfair.

If you've been there,
you know it doesn't matter.

It's the same place twice
next to each other.

It's the same
soulless unaffordability.

For full context,
the dark blue ones on Monopoly.

That's who we're talking about.

Now, the reason I was there
was I was giving a performance

at a charity event in a five-star
hotel organised by

the Lord's Taverners, who are a
wonderful charity who do great work

providing sporting equipment to
disabled and disadvantaged children.

And every Christmas,
they have a luncheon

where they charge
£150 to £200 a plate

and they raise thousands
of pounds for the projects

that they can use to provide
support and equipment

to disabled and disadvantaged
children. It's a fantastic event.

There's a raffle,
a silent auction and, crucially,

a comedian gives
a 20-minute performance. (LAUGHTER)

And in 2019,
they asked me to be that comedian.

And I said, "Oh, no."

Because I've attended that event
as a guest of the charity.

I've sat amongst that audience

and in terms of its
political beliefs, I mean...

(LAUGHTER)

It's very much a case
of small-c and big-C cunts.

Just...
(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Cunts. Cunts.

I know you're
expecting me to say white.

Not white, red, red, red men.

I don't know what happens
to rich white Englishmen

but they hit 60 and all
of the blood in their body

tries to leave it by their face.
(LAUGHTER)

Oh, there's a lot of men
there who either have gout

or are being held in
a medical state known as pre-gout.

(LAUGHTER) Listen, I like cricket
as much as the next person,

I don't tend to leave the house
dressed as the ball.

Oh, the man are red.

(LAUGHTER)

So they asked me and I said no
because I thought

it was a bad combination of
performer, material and audience.

But then I had a word with myself.
I thought, "Come on, Nish,

"it's Christmas. 'Tis the season.
Honky Diwali. Cracker Ramadan."

(LAUGHTER)
"Do something nice."

And then I said this
complete sentence to my girlfriend,

"At the end of the day,
it's an unpaid charity gig

"three weeks before Christmas Day.
What's the worst that could happen?"

(LAUGHTER)

24 hours later, a news story
about the events that transpired

during my set at the Lord's
Taverners Christmas lunch

under the headline Comedian Pelted
With Bread Rolls At Charity Event,

was the number-one most-read
story on several news websites.

My mother found out because my
cousin phoned her from Singapore.

(LAUGHTER)

Now, listen, I'm going
to tell you everything

that happened in the 24 hours
between me arriving at that hotel

and me ending up in the news
because it was a debacle.

It easily shot its way into my
top-five worst gigs of all time.

I'll give you a flavour of the rest
of that list in chronological order.

2007. Chased off stage
by a Scottish heavy metal band.

(LAUGHTER) What had happened is
the venue had been double booked.

I went on and it turned
out the band and its fans

were not in the mood for my
brand of whimsy. (LAUGHTER)

2010. Kilburn, north-west London.
Look, someone threw a banana at me.

Now, this is a bit more
complicated than it first appears.

I was on stage doing an impression
of a bad Cockney accent,

like Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins.
I said, "Oh, have a banana."

A man at the back stood up
and shouted, "Here you go."

And threw one at my fucking head.

(LAUGHTER)

And in case you're wondering,
the gig did not recover.

It's very hard to have a nice,
relaxed time at the comedy

when performer
and audience are thinking,

"Have we just seen
a hate crime with props?"

(LAUGHTER)

2012. The Edinburgh Fringe Festival,
this is a huge arts festival

and for comedians it's a real rite
of passage because you go up there

and every day for the month
of August you do the same show

in the same room,
just you on stage for an hour.

And in 2012, I was doing that
for the very, very first time.

And I was in a room that... There's
about 350 people in here, right?

I was in a room that at maximum
held 42 people. That is intimate.

Two-thirds of the way into the
months, it was going pretty well,

wasn't pulling up any trees
but it was going pretty well,

I walk out on stage
and sat right in the front row,

exactly where you are, was
none other than Victoria Wood.

Now, the younger people
in the room might not understand

why there was
a collective intake of breath.

Victoria Wood was a comedic icon.

She was a stand-up,
an actor and a comedy writer.

She became famous in the
early 1980s in England.

I was born in England in 1985.
I've known who Victoria Wood is

my entire life and it's fair to say
that one of the reasons

I do this job
is because of Victoria Wood.

And she fucking hated me.
(LAUGHTER)

She hated me so much,

at one point, she looked
so angry about one of my jokes

that I saw her, got upset
and my body went into what

I can only describe
as a shame spasm

and I dropped the microphone.

And I don't mean it
like a cool rapper way.

I mean, I said a joke.
She did this, "oh!" And I went,

"Aarrgghh!" And I know you
think you've had a bad day at work,

you people haven't fucking lived.
You haven't had a bad day at work

until you've locked eyes
with a childhood hero

as they fill with contempt.
The only way it could've been worse

is if I'd walked out of the venue
and got kicked in the nuts

by Raphael from the Ninja Turtles.

(LAUGHTER)

So, I walk into this hotel ballroom,

there's big banquet tables.
I sit at my assigned seat.

I'm sat with comedian friends
of mine. Miles Jupp was there,

Tim Key was there,
Chris Addison was there.

We have a lovely Christmas lunch.
Then with increasing horror,

I realise I'm going to have
to go on stage and do some of my

stupid fucking comedy for jerks.
And as I'm walking on stage,

I had a real moment of clarity,
I thought to myself,

"I don't belong in these rooms
in front of these people.

"It's a five-star hotel ballroom.
There is no atmosphere.

"The acoustics are awful.
It's good for two things,

"a soulless corporate
award ceremony.

"and a fight between
Batman and the Riddler."

That's all it's good for, right?

And also, in terms of
the audience, £150 a plate.

that is not going to attract
a regular cross-section

of the British public.
For better or worse,

I've realised that I belong in
these rooms in front of you people.

(LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING)
Right?

In terms of the room,
like, I selected this room

to film in because it's a theatre

but you still have to go
under the ground to get into it.

That is where
stand-up comedy thrives.

You're all on top of each other.
We feel very close together.

Also, it smells of piss and that
is just not a negative comment

on the fine people that
run this establishment.

It's just...
It's a basement in central London.

People have just
been pissing here for...

Jack the Ripper pissed over here.

The only way you'll get it
to not smell a piss

is with the assistance
of an exorcist.

Like, it's that level
of old piss just baked in the walls.

And I don't mean
that as a bad thing.

Old piss is good for comedy.

Piss rooms were where
stand-up comedy was born.

It's where it thrives.
And, in terms of you as an audience,

I know you think,
"Oh, you can't homogenise us, Nish,

"we're not a single group."
I know you come from a variety

of different backgrounds, have a
lot of different life experiences.

Let's be honest,
in terms of your opinion,

there is a 3% variation
in this room. (LAUGHTER)

This is a room full of people
who either have a paid subscription

to The Guardian and The New York
Times or recently cancelled

their paid subscriptions to
The Guardian and The New York Times

because the papers are
insufficiently left wing.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Yeah.

You may applaud the accuracy
of that observation.

This is my impression of all of you.

"I actually think it's weird that
we call cows' milk regular milk."

(LAUGHTER)

"There's nothing regular
about drinking

"another animal's breast milk."

(LAUGHS)

"I will have a flat white with
beef milk, barista, beef milk."

Here you are, the oat-milk
dickwads. Here you are.

The oat-milk dickwads
of central London.

Listen, I'm not knocking you, OK?

I love you. I am you.

(LAUGHTER)
You bought me a house.

(LAUGHTER)

On the mortgage application,
I just wrote, "Oat-milk dickwads."

They said, "No further questions.

"If you tap that market,
you're good for life."

obviously, when I perform
in a basement in central London,

I'm not worried about
finding oat-milk dickwads,

But sometimes my mum
looks at my tour dates

and she sees that I'm going to
places that she's worried about.

Sometimes I'm going to Kent
if you don't know Kent,

it's a place in England
where they make racism.

(LAUGHTER)
They brew it in enormous vats.

It's the only thing
we export anymore.

It's the last shred
of our manufacturing industry.

They brew racism in big vats.
They send it all over the world.

And whatever's left,
we inject directly into the space

where Nigel Farage's heart
should have been.

(LAUGHTER)

I'll tell you what happens
when I go to Kent.

I find your equivalents in Kent.
They keep themselves to themselves

because their opinions
are not wanted where they live.

And then I bowl into town
and I lure them out

like the pied piper
of leftist malcontents.

I'm very happy performing to you.
I love my career.

I love you. I love you all, right?

But I don't belong performing
to millionaires in a ballroom.

Then a miracle occurred.
The Lord's Taverners is a charity

that's very closely associated
with the sport of cricket.

So a lot of people in that room
either play cricket or love cricket.

And I told some jokes about cricket
because I fucking love cricket.

Here's the thing, you're not allowed
to say you don't like cricket to me

because my family is from India
and cricket is basically a religion.

And so, if you say you don't like
it, it's technically a hate crime.

Also... Also, here's the thing,

if you don't like cricket,
you never need to say

to people who like cricket,
cricket's a stupid game.

We fucking know it's a stupid game.

We know it's ridiculous
to spend five days

watching one match in a sport
that is the equivalent

of baseball having unprotected
sex with a whole library.

We know...
(LAUGHTER)

..how bad it looks
when they walk out

in their white polo shirts
with white trousers.

It looks like a goddamn
smart-casual Ku Klux Klan rally.

We know.
(LAUGHTER)

But we don't care
because we love the game.

Here's how much I love cricket.
I once pushed over an old woman

so I could touch Indian cricket
legend Sachin Tendulkar.

She was an old white lady. I was,
like, "Get the fuck out of the way.

!This is revenge for Partition."
And then...

I dived across three seats.
It wasn't even a good touch.

I just brushed the hem
of his garment

like I was greeting cricket Jesus.
Which, in a way, I was.

And I told these jokes about
cricket and they went very well.

To quote my friend,
the comedian Tim Key,

the opening minute and a half of
my set at the Lord's Taverners

was an unexpected triumph.
(LAUGHTER)

Which, I noticed,
you didn't read about

in any of the fucking news reports.
No-one ever talks about

how much fun they were having on
the Titanic before the iceberg.

Oh, they were having a great time

doing their impromptu
life-drawing classes,

Irish jigs and car fucking.
They were having a great time.

And similarly, me and the red-faced
gout-boys of the Lord's Taverners

were having
a wonderful afternoon.

Then, emboldened by the unexpected
success of my opening salvo,

I thought,
"Right, I'll mention Brexit."

Now, the reasons...
(LAUGHTER)

Can I...? I'm sorry to stop
the whole fucking show

but can I ask you all a question?

What is the value in that reaction?

(LAUGHTER) Do you not think I don't
know that that was a bad idea?

What is it about a story
that I've already told you

is one of the five worst
nights of my career has led you

to sit there listening to it,
thinking. "He clearly thinks

"he was a legend who made
a string of correct decisions.

"We'd better warn him. Oh, no, Nish!
You shouldn't have done that, Nish!"

I fucking know it was a bad idea.
I am me.

(LAUGHTER)

Now, the reasons that
I mentioned the British exit

from the European Union
were three-fold.

Reason number one,
that's just my personality.

My personality
for the last six years

can be summed up by one phrase,
"Buzzkill on a group chat."

Oh, I'm a buzzkill
on a lot of group chats.

I'd say statistically,
given that you've paid to see me,

there's a few buzzkills on a few
group chats in here this evening.

People nodding, people nodding.
Oh, everybody's nodding.

You know what it's like.
Everyone's having a nice time

on the WhatsApp group,
then you and I pipe up.

(LAUGHS) We've spent more money
executing the Brexit process

than we would've done if we remained
a member of the European Union,

we could've spent that difference
on, I dunno, schools and hospitals.

And people will rightly reply,
"That's all well and good, Nish,

"but this is Ed's stag-do
and we just..."

(LAUGHTER)

"We just need to know.
Laser Quest or paintball.

"That's all we care about."
(LAUGHTER)

The second reason is that the 2nd
of December 2019 was ten days before

a general election, there were
powerful people in the room.

It felt weird to not
talk about what was before COVID,

seemingly the most important thing
we would ever encounter, right?

And thirdly, I really believe this.
If I'm going to do

what I do 90% of my career,
which is say things to people

who I know are going to agree
with them, then surely,

oat-milk dickwads
of the piss room... (LAUGHTER)

..you have to acknowledge, it'd
be philosophically gutless for me

to be unprepared to say
those same things just because

someone might not agree, right?
AUDIENCE:Yeah.Yeah.

(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHTER)

And they did not agree.
(LAUGHTER)

For a room full of people
who I think in culinary terms

would deem pepper to be a bit much,
they got very spicy.

(LAUGHTER)
Oh, spicy, eh? Yeah.

I thought, "Right, clearly
Brexit is too divisive a subject.

"I'll make fun of Boris Johnson
because even if

"you're gonna vote for him..."
"What is the value in that, Nish?

You've got your fucking head
in your hands.

(LAUGHTER)
All of you, think about it.

Do you honestly think
this is as bad as it got?

How is this going to end
up in the fucking news?

Clearly, I'm building up to an
incident that I'm about to tell you

in about a minute's time
that I'm worried

is going to blow
your head clean off.

(LAUGHTER)

I started making fun
of Boris Johnson

because I thought, even if
you're gonna vote for him,

we can all agree he's a ridiculous
figure. Oh! They did not agree!

(LAUGHTER)

I was making fun of Conservative MP
after Conservative MP

after Conservative MP. If we were
to complete the Titanic analogy,

it would have been the equivalent
of the captain of the Titanic

seeing the iceberg
and then for some reason

calling everyone to the front
of the ship and just saying,

"Fuck it, we can go through."
(LAUGHTER)

Because... I probably
should have mentioned this,

one of the prize items
on that day's silent auction,

a signed photo of Margaret Thatcher.

(LAUGHTER)

Yeah, some of this shit
was my fault.

I never said it wasn't my fault.
Mistakes were made.

Sometimes in your life you think,
"Well, in retrospect..."

I have to say, I should've caught
that that was a bad fucking idea.

Now, there's chaos in the room.

It was 3pm. Help!

(LAUGHTER) I don't know if you've
seen anarchy break out before 5pm

but let me tell you,
things had gone askew.

Now sometimes, when a gig
is getting away from a comedian,

what the committee will do
is make a joke that acknowledges

how badly the gig is going.
This might seem like

a high-risk gambit on paper
but really it's quite a safe bet

because sometimes you get a laugh
off that and you can pivot

back into your prepared material.
We've all seen an example of this.

After Will Smith slapped
Chris Rock at the Oscars,

he sat down and
Chris Rock said two things.

He said, "This is the craziest
night in television history.

"The Fresh Prince just tried
to slap the shit out of me."

Now I can tell you that
that is Rock, as a comedian,

drawing on decades of experience,
trying to acknowledge

the weirdness that's happened
and then slingshot back

into his prepared material. Now...
(LAUGHTER)

..before I tell you what I said...
(LAUGHTER)

This is the bit. This is the bit,
genuinely hold onto your head, mate.

(LAUGHTER)

Before I tell you what I said,
let's just get one thing clear,

I thought this was good.
(LAUGHTER)

I said to this
assembled group of people,

"Well, I guess this is what I get
when I perform for a room full

"of people largely descended from
people who colonised my ancestors."

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Someone heckled. A man
at the back stood up and shouted,

"That was ages ago."
(LAUGHTER)

That was ages ago.

Not disputing the veracity
of anything that I had said,

simply arguing that
the statute of limitations

has passed on the crimes
of the British Empire.

Also, it wasn't ages ago, the
British were in India until 1947.

India is technically younger
than Paul McCartney.

And the reason... The reason
people think that it was ages ago

is people in Britain don't know
anything about British history.

Every so often an article
will be written that says,

"Why are British actors always
the bad guys in Hollywood films?"

They were the bad guys from history.

Hamilton is playing in the West End
like the goddamn Usual Suspects.

"Oh, man, you're never gonna
guess who the villain is."

(LAUGHTER)
"Hell of a twist."

And sometimes people try and force
a more honest conversation about

our country's history. These people
I would consider to be patriots

because they have the audacity
to imagine a better future

for our country by forcing a more
honest conversation about its past.

And they do this by doing
things like throwing statues

of slaveholders in lakes.
I think that that is incredible.

But when it happens,
people lose their mind.

"Oh, you can't throw
statues in lakes.

"Oh, without statues,
how will we learn anything?"

No-one has ever fucking
learned anything from a statue.

When I was six years old,
we managed to learn long division

without there being a statue
of it in the town centre.

There wasn't a day in year-two
maths where out teacher said,

"Now it's time
to learn long division."

And we all marched to
the middle of Croydon town centre

and just in the middle of it there's
a statue of some Greek motherfucker,

and your teacher is going, "Look at
it and then you will know maths."

And the statue is this
Greek guy just doing this.

(LAUGHTER)

And your teacher says, "There's
Euclid carrying the remainder."

(LAUGHTER)

And the reason that nobody knows
anything about British history

is because we don't teach it
properly in our schools.

And I know this because
I studied British history in Britain

from when I was four until I was
22 years old, I did a degree in it.

This is what you learn if you study
British history in Britain.

Henry VIII fucked,
Elizabeth I didn't,

blblblblblblbl,
Second World War. (LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Get to the part where
we were the good guys.

This empire is a real buzzkill.

Anyway, back to the ballroom.

Now, at some point,
someone had thrown a bread roll.

(LAUGHS) I've phrased it like that

because I didn't realise
it had been thrown at me

because it was not a good throw.
It had rolled somewhere

off to my right because a lot
of these guys can't throw well

because they've got
fucking gout of the elbow.

They left their physical
peak a few centuries

and a few gallons of port ago. None
of them can fucking throw straight

to save their pointless,
useless fucking lives.

Say what you will about banana-man

but the cunt caught me
right on the bonce. (LAUGHTER)

It was such a bad throw,
I had to look into the audience,

at my stupid friend
Tim Key's stupid face and say,

"Tim, did someone throw
a bread roll at me?"

And he looked back at me
with a facial expression

that seemed to suggest,
"(LAUGHS) Yes, they did.

"This gig has gone off the rails
and better you than me." (LAUGHTER)

Whenever I say someone
threw a bread roll,

people always ask the same question.
Did you get a good look?

Yes, I did. It was a white, crusty
loaf that threw the bread roll.

Come on!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

That's just a bit of fun, everybody.

Am I not allowed to have fun?
I'm at a comedy gig, too.

(LAUGHTER)

When the bread roll had been thrown,
that was the organisers cue

to get me off stage.
People are booing, that's a problem.

People are throwing things,
you have to end the gig.

So they sent the compere back on.

I don't know why
this man was dressed like this.

He'd woken up that morning
and made some choices.

He was wearing a red military coat,

horse-riding trousers and no hat,

so he looked like
an off-duty Beefeater

just waddling on to the stage.
I didn't see him initially,

cos I was looking at
Chris Addison who was having

a screaming row with the bread-roll
thrower. I then turned to my left

and this Sergeant Pepper's fucker
is right next to me.

And, at this point,
the whole thing has taken on

the hallucinatory air
of a cheese drink.

Now, the thing he said
to remove me from the stage

is the worst thing anyone
has ever said to remove me

from a comedy stage in my career.
I don't wish to brag,

I've been removed a lot,
I'm quite bad. (LAUGHTER)

And most people, to remove me
from the stage, will shout,

"Fuck off" or call me a cunt. I
would prefer either of those things

to what this guy said. I don't know
why, it's how I feel in my heart.

Because this guy came up to me,
grabbed the microphone

and just said, "Now is the time
for the raffle." (LAUGHTER)

And then I ran off stage.

But the problem is, there was
no dressing rooms or wings.

It wasn't a theatre.
The only escape route

was that flight of stairs. There was
a flight of stairs off the stage.

But when I ran off the stage,
it just meant I'm stood

in the middle of the room
of everyone that I had upset

who was now screaming at me
in surround sound, like diving

headfirst into a swimming pool
you've taken a shit in.

And, I'll be honest with you,
I ran straight up to Miles Jupp.

If you don't know Miles Jupp,
he's a wonderful comedian

and he's also a very good friend of
mine. He's also, this is relevant,

a very tall, very posh,
very white man.

And I needed cover.
(LAUGHTER)

I rode him out of there
like a Hobbit on an elk.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

And then we went to the pub
and we had a good night.

You know what it's like?
You have jobs, I assume.

(LAUGHTER) Sometimes
you have a bad day at work,

you want to bury your head
in the sand. Sometimes you need

to go out drinking
and you need to go out drinking

with people who do
the same job as you, right?

So they know exactly where you're
coming from when you start moaning.

I walked into the pub, there
were comedic colleagues of mine

who had been at the lunch.
It was wonderful, cathartic.

I walked straight in, Tim Key
came straight up to me and said,

"I bought you a pint to say
sorry throwing the bread roll."

And we were all...
(LAUGHTER)

It's good gear, man. It's a shame
if I use it anywhere else.

And we were all having a good time,
right?

And I want to make something very
clear, at this point in the story,

I have no philosophical
problem with anything

that happened apart from
the bread roll, right?

I believe if you've paid to be
in the audience at a comedy show,

you have the right to boo, right?

What you don't have the right
to do is throw anything

or put hands on the performer.
But what makes this exciting is

I can come and say whatever I want
and you can react however you want.

I defended that audience from the
Taverners gig. When friends say,

"It's evidence we're the stupidest
people that have ever lived.

"We can't take any opinions that
are not our own, we are so stupid."

No, people have always
been fucking idiots,

especially when faced with
any sort of art or performance.

In the late 19th century,
the French painter Degas

unveiled his latest masterpiece,
it was called L'Absinthe.

It's a picture of a drunk
destitute man sat next

to a rich woman dressed
in her finest clothing.

At the time, the juxtaposition
of two people from opposite ends

of society's spectrum was
considered so viscerally jarring

that, at its first unveiling,
people booed the painting.

Can you imagine a more
impotent gesture than,

"Boo, painting!
You're a shit fucking paining!

"Get off the easel!"?
(LAUGHTER)

At the first performance of
Stravinsky's The Rite Of Spring,

there was a riot in the
theatre because people

were angry about the chord changes.

In 1966, in the United Kingdom,

Bob Dylan did a tour that
was half acoustic, half electric.

The same audience sat,
clapped the acoustic half,

then, when he played an electric
guitar with a full electrified band,

the same group of people booed him.

At one infamous incident in
Manchester's Free Trade Hall,

a man shouted a word at Dylan. Can
anyone shout that word at me now?

Judas!
Judas, Judas.

Judas! The bad guy from the Bible.
Spoiler alert.

Sorry, spoiler alert.
(LAUGHTER)

I don't know where you've
got to in the Bible. Sorry.

In 1995 at the Source Awards,
Outkast won Best New Artist.

At the time, their brand of hip hop,
hailing as they did

from Atlanta, Georgia,
was considered so heretical

to the dominant sound of the day

that as Big Boi and Andre 3000
walked on stage to accept an award

for best new artist, the crowd
booed them. The booing so intense

that when you watch the clip back,
they have to wait for a moment

before starting their speech.
Now that is already bananas.

What makes it even worse
is the audience was largely

made up of the then warring East
Coast and West Coast rap factions.

Now I know that's
become a punchline now,

we say East Coast versus West Coast
without thinking what we mean.

It was a blood feud that
claimed the lives of Tupac Shakur

and the Notorious BIG. How askew
do your priorities have to be that

you can sit in an audience, look
across an aisle at someone and say,

"I'm going to fucking
kill you later.

"But I think we can all agree
that song is very bad."

(LAUGHTER)

So, what I'm saying is, people
have always been fucking idiots.

Now I do just want to briefly
address the palpable,

rising tide of concern
in the room of people looking at me

as if to say, "Nish, that's
all very well and good

"but, please, God, tell us
you're not comparing yourself

"to Degas, Stravinsky,
Bob Dylan and Outkast."

And I just want to reassure you,
I fucking am.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

I fucking am.
I'm the Bob Dylan of yeast.

(LAUGHTER)

The carbohydrate Stravinsky,

(LAUGHTER)

At 7:15,
I was in the pub shit-faced.

Out of nowhere, I get a text message
from my friend that just said,

"Hey, man, just seen the news.
You OK?"

And I was like,
"Oh, that's not good." (LAUGHTER)

I should definitely know why that's
happened. Here's what had happened.

Someone filmed a section
of the gig and passed that footage

to the newspaper,
The Daily Telegraph.

They put it immediately on
the front page of their website.

Now, this will not be
an opinion that surprises you

coming out of my mouth
but fuck The Daily Telegraph.

And the reason I say fuck
The Daily Telegraph is because I say

fuck everybody that pretends
to be a reasonable conservative.

There is no reasonable
conservatives left,

they're a delivery system
for extremism, right?

It's fucking disgusting.
At least the right-wing tabloids

are just open with the fact that
they're completely unhinged.

If you open a right-wing tabloid,
it's just like that. "Aarrgghh!

"Aarrgghh! Refugees are putting
dog shit in soup cans. Aarrgghh!"

And it's like, "Yeah, we agree."
But The Telegraph is still like,

"We're reasonable conservatives."
The fucking Telegraph,

the fucking Wall Street Journal.
It's the same goddamn shit.

It reminds me of men's
magazines that were around

in newsagents when I was younger.
These used to be magazines aimed at

heterosexual men and they had women
on the front of them in their

underpants because we used to have
to print out the whole internet.

(LAUGHTER)
And some of these magazines

were very clear in their intent.

There was, like, Playboy
and Hustler and Nuts and FHM

and their vibe was very much,
"Tits!"

Then there was GQ magazine,

whose vibe was very much this,

(CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHS)

"Tits!"

It was the same misogyny
but it was treated as classy

because it had lots of
pictures of big watches.

That's all The Telegraph is.
(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
If...

The Telegraph fired a starter
pistol in an unhinged race

to write about this incident.
In the 24 hours after some bread

fell near me,
over 20,000 words was written.

20,000 words.

Why the fixation?
Well, I have a couple of theories.

One, there's a lot
of basic racism at work.

There's still people
in white countries

who believe that our opinions count
for less and we should not criticise

the government because we don't
belong in these countries.

The person who wrote
the article saying that

I was biting the hand that fed me
also wrote an article

about The Squad, the colloquial name
given to the American congresswomen

Ayanna Pressley,
Rashida Tlaib, Ilhan Omar

and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.
He said that those women

needed to show more gratitude
to their host country.

There's still a lot of people that
don't count our views as legitimate.

Also, a lot of these right-wing
papers and their readership

support political movements
that are going off the rails

and destroying
the entire goddamn world.

They have nothing that they've
achieved they can talk about.

So all they're left with is their
anger. That's why they're angry

with comedians telling jokes
about the government,

angry with football players
taking the knee,

angry about gender neutral toilets

because they have absolutely
nothing fucking else to say.

Imagine being angry with a comedian

for telling a joke
about the government.

What am I supposed to do, do
goddamn pro-government material?

(LAUGHTER)
How the fuck does that even work?

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he saw the prime minister

and he wanted to say.
"Good job, little guy."

(LAUGHTER)

Knock, knock. Who's there?

The government. I love you.

(LAUGHTER)

They have sprayed shit everywhere
and they are trying to distract you

from asking why the house smells.
That's all that is going on here.

What is the real scandal
in this situation?

That a comedian told some
jokes mildly critical

of the government or in a country
that is the sixth richest

on the entire fucking planet,
people don't have enough food

to feed their children and
other people have so much food

they can afford
to throw it at comedians

whose jokes they don't like?
What is the real scandal?

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Now, what happened in the 24 hours
after something like this happened

is that it starts
being covered in the papers.

Then it goes to the fringe
right-wing lunatic websites,

then it goes to the real fringe,

the, like,
mad Nazi YouTubers, right?

And the problem is that it's
a story about a story about story.

So it keeps getting further
and further removed from the truth.

So by the time I was reading about
me having some bread thrown near me

in a five-star hotel ballroom, it
was reading like science fiction.

I was reading things like this.
It was a cold winter's afternoon,

a group of humble,
white working-class Brexit-voting

coal miners had assembled
at a nearby shack

in London's poverty district.

Their aim, to have a traditional
white working-class English

Christmas lunch of offal and balls
of their own mashed hair and tears.

In strode Nish Kumar, the English
Fidel Castro. He was smoking a cigar

and stroking his beard.
He strode to the front of the room.

"Everyone who voted
for the Conservative Party,

"hands in the air." Trembling
white working-class hands went up

like a scene from Billy Elliot.
He said, "All of you

"will be sent to
the gender-neutral gulag."

(LAUGHTER) One of them got
down on his hands and knees

and tried to plead with Kumar,
who simply laughed communistally.

(LAUGHTER) The man said in his most
white and working-class accent,

"Oh, Mr Kumar, we're just a bunch
of white working-class Brits,

"we're not doing anything, Mr Kumar,
just trying to have a traditional

"white working-class English
Christmas lunch with offal

"and balls of mashed hair and tears.

"No racism, Mr Kumar,
just nobody, no racism.

"Love Island. Love Island.
Cheeky Nandos. Love Island."

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Now, the big problem is that
by the time you get to this stage,

the thing that is also
coming in is the death threats.

It would not be a surprise
to you to know that people

in the public eye get death threats.
It also won't be a surprise

for you that the number of death
threats you get is multiplied

exponentially by the number
of factors that diverges you

from what we as a society
deem to be the norm.

What do I mean by that?
You know what I mean.

Rich, white, cisgendered,
heterosexual, able-bodied men.

If there's any tonight, congrats,
my brothers, you won history.

That's not to say that those
people don't get death threats.

They do. It's just the number
of death threats you get

is multiplied by any adjective you
can put on the front of your name.

If you are poor then you get...
that's your factor.

I'm actually all of those things.
I'm a rich, straight,

able-bodied man, but I'm brown.
So brown is my factor, right?

You understand that a Chinese
disabled transgender lesbian,

every one of those things
multiply the number of death threats

that person receives. And,
obviously, it's very easy for us

to get death threats now
because we all have social media.

We've got an open sewage door that
is piling into our lives, right?

And we all need
to get off social media.

For some of us, it'll be good
for our mental health. For others,

it'd stop us from being radicalised
or buying shit we don't need.

For others of us,
it's about basic human dignity.

I say this with all love.
If you are 30 years old or above,

you must delete TikTok
and Snapchat from your phones

as soon as the show is over,
you must delete it

for reasons of your own dignity.
I know a 36-year-old on TikTok.

Why are you on TikTok? You're
two whole people who can vote.

You're 36 years old.
No-one needs to see you

lip-synching to Megan Thee Stallion.
No-one needs that.

Everyone over 30 on Snapchat
is a sex pest.

I really...
(LAUGHTER)

I really believe that. I think
if you're over 30 and on Snapchat,

you should immediately be added
to the sex offenders register.

People should find out about you
when they buy a house in your area.

Every time you go past the school,
your phone line should go off.

Berrr! Berrr! Berrr!
Snapchat sex offender. Berrr!

Throw a tarpaulin on the kiddies!
Berrr!

(LAUGHTER) If you don't
know what Snapchat is,

it's a photo-sharing app
and you can send photos

on the app and then the app
spontaneously deletes them.

What do you think people use it for?
They use it for pictures

of their penises and vaginas.
And if you're 23 years old

and you're sending it to
another consenting 23-year-old,

have at it with
your box-fresh genitals.

No-one needs to see your
40-year-old penis, mate.

No-one needs to see
your penis that remembers

the Tobey Maguire Spider-Man.

(LAUGHTER)

No-one needs to hear
your 39-year-old vagina's

tragic rendition of
# Coming out of my cage

# And I've been doing just... #

(LAUGHTER)

There is no bright side.

(LAUGHTER)

And it's people my age,
that's what I'm having a go at,

people my age, we're the worst
people on the internet.

That's not true. We're not really
the worst people on the internet.

I was being polite. We know who the
worst people on the internet are.

It's everyone over 60 on Facebook,
a generation of people

who fell for scam emails and then
voted for the human equivalents

of scam emails. They fucked
everything up for everybody

and they don't seem even
vaguely sorry about it.

Obviously, if you're here
and you are over 60...

Not you. ..but can we agree,
your friends shat the bed?

So, for 24 hours, all that's
coming in is death threats,

news stories, weird phone calls
from unlisted numbers that are

journalists trying to get you
to participate in talk-radio

discussion programmes about
whether or not you're an arsehole.

Then, after 24 hours, everything
stops. They all forget about you,

move on to the next person
they're gonna bully

and you have to pick up the
tattered remnants of your life.

Now, luckily, the next
day I was distracted

because I had to leave my house.
So I wasn't sat there

just obsessively hitting
refresh on my computer.

I had to leave the house
because I was going to Manchester

in the north-west of England
to do another charity gig

because I'm a fucking great guy.

(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHS)

I might be the best man
that's ever lived.

(LAUGHTER) Think about
what I was going through.

I was getting death threats.
I could have cancelled,

I said, "No, the charity needs me."

Luckily, that gig was
for Amnesty International.

(LAUGHS) Piece of fucking piss.

Me at an Amnesty gig.
I walked out and everyone's like...

Uugghh! Uugghh!

All the women were
rubbing their clitorides.

They were arcing jets of jism,
all genders, coming at me.

And I was taking it square
in the mouth like Tim Robbins

at the end of Shawshank Redemption.

I'd come off stage covered in jizz.

And I got a death threat that
concerns me more than the others.

The first thing to say
about this death threat,

it came through Facebook, old
school. I think if someone sent me

a death threat through MySpace, I'd
be more excited than anything else.

I'll be like, "Wow! I didn't
even know this was still a thing.

"Is it from Tom?
I thought you were dead, big man."

(LAUGHTER)
Now, the reason it concerned me...

Some of you actually down the front
will actually be able to see this.

The reason it concerned me
is that it had arrived anonymously.

It just came from Facebook user,
right? No name.

Now, that suggested
a level of deliberation

that I will admit
rattled me somewhat.

Quick question.
Why is that a feature?

Someone please ask
Mark Zuckerberg, aka,

the incel Lex Luther now...
(LAUGHTER)

I am going to read this
death threat out. Full disclosure.

Bad stuff. I don't think
there is a good death threat.

Even if you start "Dear sir or
madam" and end "yours faithfully,"

the content is going to knock
some of the shine off the apple.

But this is particularly bad, every
possible content warning because

it's all in here. I'm reading it out
for two reasons. Reason number one,

I do think there is some value in,
especially white audience members,

hearing what some of
your uncles are saying.

And secondly, there is
a motherfucker of a twist

at the end of this thing.
Oh, you are not gonna see

the last two lines
of this death threat coming.

This is like a death threat
by M Night Shyamalan.

Oh, my God. What a twist.

But the beginning is bad.

"I will find you at a gig
and set you on fire,

"you retarded immigrant
Muslim piece of shit.

"I have a message for all
you Muslim child-raping cunts.

"Go and kill your parents,
kill your kids to stop them becoming

"terrorists, then kill yourself,
you fucking baby-raping Muslim cunt.

"Get the fuck out of my country,
you snivelling retard."

Bad. But then the twist.

"Reported your comments
to the police."

(LAUGHTER)

What's happening?

So I immediately take a screenshot,
which, by the way,

is this same screenshot.
I read it out every night

because I refuse to learn
my own death threats.

I don't think that's unreasonable.

But, in order that I'm not
faffing around with my phone,

do you know what I had to do?
I had to favourite that screenshot.

(LAUGHTER) Do you know how
damaging it is psychologically

to have to read that and then go,
"Mmmm! Heart!"

(LAUGHTER)

Also, if you want to know
the extent to which specifically

anti-Muslim racism
is just part and parcel of the way

people speak to each other
on the internet, consider this.

I get a huge amount of
Islamophobic racial abuse. Huge.

And I am a shit Muslim,
oh, shit Muslim...

Hindu.
(LAUGHTER)

You understand? It doesn't get worse
than there being a Muslim state

than being a Hindu.
Islam is an Abrahamic religion

like Judaism and Christianity.
They have a huge amount

of theological overlap and overlap
in their day-to-day practice.

If you're a good Jewish person, you
are closer to being a good Muslim

than I will ever be because
Hinduism could not be further away

in its theology or in
its basic daily routines.

Think about how I start every day.
I wake up and give thanks

to hundreds of gods who I then
celebrate with a bacon sandwich

and a tug on my foreskin.
(LAUGHTER)

So I took a screenshot
of this death threat.

I then sent it to my agent.
She immediately phones me

in a tone of voice with which
I'd become incredibly familiar.

"OK, Nish, we're just
going to be very calm."

(LAUGHTER)

"And we're going to have
a quick chat with the police."

So the next day, I go back down
from Manchester to London.

I go to a windowless room
in the back of my agent's office

and I sit and have
a meeting with a policeman.

And this man was very thorough.
He wanted to know every single thing

that had been said to me. He wanted
to know who had said it and he

wanted to know everything I'd said
on stage at the Lord's Taverners.

Earlier, the more statistically
minded amongst you

will have noticed that I said
I was going to do a top-five list

of my worst gigs
and then I only did three.

I will now complete the list of my
top-five worst gigs of all time.

At number four was the bread roll,

at number five,
in chronological order,

but number one in terms
of the worst gig I have ever

or will ever do in my entire career,
or indeed any comedian

will ever do in their entire career
was two days after the bread roll

when I had to repeat every single
thing I said on stage to a single

unsmiling policeman taking notes
for a statement. (LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(WHOOPING)

Yeah, you can whoo it now.

Some of that would have
been useful at the time.

Richard Pryor would have
eaten shit at that gig, man.

The worst thing is occasionally
he would just repeat something

back to me that I'd said and then
leave it hanging in silence.

"Colonised my ancestors."

"That was ages ago."

(LAUGHTER)

Now, what I want to tell you
is that I moved on.

I was absolutely fine and
I never thought about it again.

That's what our mums tell us,
when I was four, my mum said,

"If somebody is racist to you,
get on with your life.

"You show you're a better person
than them by living well."

But, for some reason,
I couldn't move on from this.

I was not OK, even a year later.

Full disclosure,
I didn't know that I wasn't OK.

My girlfriend said,
"Hey, I don't think you're OK."

I said, "Why do you say that?"
She said, "Oh, you cry a lot."

Inside Out is a sad film, but not
when you're a 36-year-old man

who's seen it five times before
and is now just reading

the Wikipedia plot synopsis.
(LAUGHTER)

She said, "You need to see
a therapist." And I refused,

which is so hypocritical of
me because I do so much work

for mental health charities for free
because I'm a fucking great guy.

(LAUGHTER) I might be
the best man that's ever lived.

Sometimes the charities say,
"We have a fee we can pay you."

I say,
"No, The crazy people need it."

And the reason they
always want me... (LAUGHTER)

The reason they always want me,
people like me,

is because men of colour
disproportionally don't go

and seek mental health support.
So I guess they figure

if they get a bunch of us to talk
about it, it will improve numbers,

but it's clearly not doing it.
I couldn't even do it for myself.

Apparently, I was just walking
round going, "Men of colour,

"please get help,
there's no shame in it."

But in my head I was thinking,
"But not me." (LAUGHTER)

"Not me. I'm the greatest man
of colour that's ever lived.

"It goes me, Muhammad Ali and Blade
from the film Blade." (LAUGHTER)

Eventually, in a pincer movement
between my girlfriend,

and the comedian and actor
Brett Goldstein, my dear friend,

they tricked me
into going to therapy.

Brett emailed his therapist
with me cc'd in

and the email just said,
"This is Nish, he needs help."

(LAUGHTER)

Having been unwilling,
I was uncooperative.

For the first three weeks,
she set me homework and she'd say,

"Have you done the homework?" "No,
I haven't fucking done the homework.

"I'm not here to work.
I'm here to be worked on.

"Cast your spell, mind witch."

(LAUGHTER)

Eventually, she boiled
my homework down to one form.

It's a PCL-5 form.
It's a negative-mood-indicator form.

It asks you questions
about negative moods.

It says, "Are you angry?
Are you stressed? Are you upset?

"Are you depressed?"
You rank those moods one to five.

One being not all, five being
"I'm feeling this quite a lot."

And I was feeling it in dog shit.
# One, one, one, one, one, one, one

# One, one, one, one, one!
I'm Nish, I'm the best. #

After three weeks of this
horse shit, she lost her temper.

Do you know how far you have to
push a mental-health professional

before they lose their temper?

She said, and this is
a direct, verbatim quote.

"You are filling in these
forms aspirationally."

(LAUGHTER)

"I am asking you how you are feeling

"and you are telling me
how you wish you were feeling."

I said, "Why is that a problem?"
She said, "What do you think

"I'm treating you for?"
I said, "I dunno, man, bad vibes?

"I don't know,
my mind is suboptimal."

She said, "I'm treating you for
post-traumatic stress disorder.

"You are exhibiting classic symptoms
of PTSD." And when she said that,

my first thought is something
I will always be embarrassed by.

My first thought was,
"Oh, Kumar, you fucking pussy!"

Oh, I got shell shock from a bap.
Now, the reason that I thought that

is my understanding of PTSD
was fundamentally flawed,

based as it was on some films
and that one West Wing episode.

All that happened is that
I believed the death threats.

I believed that that was going to
happen and I internalised the trauma

of that threat
and I was constantly reliving it.

So, five or six times a day
for a year, I was imagining

what was going to happen
when I was assassinated.

And I didn't realise that
that was weighing down heavily

and fundamentally warping my entire
personality. Now, for some reason,

as soon as she said PTSD, something
snapped in my head and I was like,

"Oh, I need to take this seriously."
It's a very mild case.

Soldiers have it severely,
victims of childhood sexual abuse

have it severely. I've got the PTSD
equivalent of scraping your knee

but if you don't deal with a scraped
knee it can fuck up your life.

And now I'm in it
and I feel much better.

It's been a really helpful
process to me. And I go to therapy

every single week and I'm
embarrassed by my reluctance.

If I was trying to make excuses,
I would say,

I wasn't really brought up in
a therapy-supportive culture.

I was born in England in the mid-80s
and if you remember England...

Now we're like, "We should
talk about our mental health."

in England in the fucking 1990s,
if someone said,

Hey, should we talk about our mental
health? Someone else would say,

"Why don't you shut the fuck up
and drink some gin, you cunts?"

Like that. (LAUGHTER)
That's where we were at with it.

Also, I'm Indian,
my parents are Indian,

and that's not really a culture that
has been historically supportive

towards chats about mental health.
You can't go to your Indian parents

and say, "Should we see a doctor
about my mental health?"

Because they'll say, "No, we don't
see doctors, we be doctors."

(LAUGHTER)

But those are just excuses
that I'm making

because I was reluctant to do it
and I'm embarrassed by that, right?

Now I'm doing it, she says things to
me that challenge me and make me

think about the world in a different
way. Sometimes she says things

and I have no way of answering them.
She said this,

"You seem to have
a very low opinion of yourself."

Now I ask you,
oat-milk dickwads of the piss room,

how is it possible as a human being

to not have
a low opinion of yourself

when you know all the things
you've thought?

How is it possible to not have
a low opinion of yourself?

(APPLAUSE)
How do you do that?

When you know how many
times on any given week

because someone is being slow
in the queue in a supermarket,

you think,
"I hope you fucking die later."

(LAUGHTER)
"I hope you fucking die

"and I hope the way you die
is get run over by a bus

"filled with all your family,
so they never process

"the shame of murdering you
flat as a pancake,

"you, six-items-in-the-five
items-or-less-queue cunt!

"Can't you read?"
You know all the lies you've told,

not just the big lies, the small
lies that you tell every day

that your brain tells you off for
telling as you're telling them?

Why are you telling people you've
read Tess Of The d'Urbervilles?

You've never read
Tess Of The d'Urbervilles.

Why does it matter if you've
read Tess Of The d'Urbervilles?

What are you going to do
if someone says,

"What is the plot of
Tess Of The d'Urbervilles?"

"Oh, there's this girl, Tess,
and let me tell you,

"this bitch is of
the d'Urbervilles." (LAUGHTER)

"You think you've seen people
be of the d'Urbervilles before,

"you've got to get a look
at this Tess. My God."

But obviously, clearly,
based on what's happening,

that's not my only problem. Clearly,
I have a low opinion of myself

and also a high opinion of myself
and I bounce between the two.

I didn't know there
was some of you motherfuckers

that weren't living like that.
I didn't know that it was possible

to be a person and not some days
wake up in the morning and think,

"I'm of such little value that
I don't deserve to be alive."

And by 4pm, be thinking. "I wonder
which Nobel Prize I'll win."

(LAUGHTER)

Is there a Nobel Prize
for being a great laugh?

Because I'm a great laugh.
(LAUGHTER)

I can't deny that my high opinion
was not part of the problem here.

My high opinion of myself led me
to believe those death threats,

because, this is probably the
worst thing I have to say to you

at any point this evening,
which, bear in mind,

some of the things
I've already said to you...

I... Look...
(LAUGHTER)

There is a part of me that believes

and has always believed maybe

that I am of such cultural
and historic significance

that I will be assassinated.
(LAUGHTER)

There is truly a part of me
that believes one day

it will be Malcolm X,
Martin Luther King...

"Nish? How did you
get on there, buddy?"

Cut down in his prime
like a chunky Gandhi.

(LAUGHTER) Two hours
after I got that death threat,

do you know what I was doing? I was
sat in a hotel room in Manchester

and I was thinking to myself,
"Well, I mean,

"I assume there'll
be a documentary." (LAUGHTER)

In my head. I was mentally
making a list of friends of mine

that would contribute, comedians,
Aisling Bea will do it,

they'll get Romesh Ranganathan
on Asian guilt.

There might even be a Kumail
Nanjiani. Asian guilt is powerful,

it can cross the Atlantic, man.

The person they have
to get is Ed Gamble.

Ed Gamble is a comedian
and he's a very good friend of mine.

And if I'd been assassinated in
December 2019, it would have meant

that I wouldn't have been
able to be at his wedding

three months later
when I was the best man.

And I sat there
in this hotel thinking,

"If I get assassinated
before Gamble's wedding,

"when I'm supposed to give
the best-man speech

"and he has to do a talking head
about it in a documentary...

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

"..that's going to be
the fucking money shot.

"Gamble weeping like a bitch,

"just diabetic tears
rolling down his face."

He's got diabetes. Diabetic tears.

(CRIES)
"Oh, he was such a beautiful man.

(LAUGHS) "I know he was my best man
but maybe he was THE best man.

"Forever in his honour, I will
only choose poppadoms never bread."

(WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE) Don't
fucking whoo! Shut the fuck up!

How dare you whoo that podcast?

If you don't know why
people are cheering,

Ed Gamble and James Acaster,
two of my best friends,

host a podcast called
the Off Menu Podcast,

where people come in and talk
about their favourite food.

It is... And I cannot stress this
enough, the ultimate exercise

in white-male privilege. I'm
out there getting death threats,

these motherfuckers
are making bank talking about

dinners we have once enjoyed.
It's a bunch of crackers,

talking to other crackers
about eating crackers.

And the first question they ask is,
poppadoms or bread?

Firstly, it's pappadoms,
motherfucker.

Secondly, secondly,
if you pick bread out of those two,

you're a racist. I believe that.
I think you're a goddamn racist.

Abd if you're wondering,
are these...?

Ed Gamble and James Acaster,
if you are wondering,

"Are these two white?"
Oh, they're white!

White with a capital W
and a capital H.

This pair are honkies. My God.

Acaster is so white,
it's like someone

threw a corduroy jumper on a ghost.
(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

And Gamble. Oh, Gamble!

Looks like a goddamn Disney prince
before they remembered about racism.

(LAUGHTER)

Anyway, the important thing is
I'm doing much better. (LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Look, I feel much better,

I'm doing well and I'm on this
sort of mental-health journey now,

which a lot of us are on. It's, you
know, it's nice, you sort of learn

stuff about yourself. And I was
trying to work out why it is...

My therapist is so patient. She puts
up with stupid questions from me.

I was trying to ask her why it is
she thinks I had this PTSD episode?

She said, "You were on the end of an
unpleasant racialised hate campaign

"in the press. People sent you death
threats, that will leave a mark."

But she said separate to that,
"I really think you need to embrace

"the fact for your mental-health
journey that you have always had

"some level of mental-health
problems. There's always been

"some level of anxiety and
depression in your brain,

"that's the way you were wired
since you were a teenager.

And I said to my girlfriend,
"Hey, can you believe she said

"I've always been mentally ill?"
And she said, "Yeah."

(LAUGHTER)
"Yeah, I can, mate."

And I said, "Why do you say that?"
And she said, "Can you remember

"what you were like when
we first started going out?

Now, the truth is, I can't.
We've been together for ten years.

We're not gonna get married because
she has a feminist objection

to the institution and it turns out
oat-milk dickwads move in pairs.

But... (LAUGHTER)
..we have been together

for ten years, or,
as she keeps saying, "Enough."

(LAUGHTER) She's saying, "Enough
now, innit? It's enough now."

I keep saying, "What will you do
if we break up?" What will I do?

We've been together ten years.
We got together when I was 27

and she was 23. Neither of us
had a relationship before this.

At this point, we are each
other's first and only loves.

Our relationship now
is like a prison sentence

that we both served together
and, if released from it,

statistically, all we're
likely to do is re-offend

to get back inside. Besides that,
if we do get married,

those will be my vows.
(LAUGHTER)

She said, "Remember what you were
like when we started going out?"

I said, "What do you mean?"
She said, "You couldn't sleep.

"Do you not remember? You couldn't
sleep for days, weeks, months

"if you had something going on in
your work life or personal life."

I've been in a relationship for
ten years, I've learned one thing.

If there's two people in a
relationship, regardless of

the sexual orientation or the gender
identity of those two people,

one of you is good at sleeping
and one of you is bad at sleeping.

And every time that happens,
exactly what happened

on the front row happened here where
she just turned and looked at him.

At the speed at which you two
turned to look at each other,

it was almost as if you'd
planned that before the gig.

Also, it's pretty funny
because you look like I drew

audience members of mine.

This guy's wearing a Spider-Man
T-shirt and he's an adult.

You could not be more in the
middle of my core demographic.

(LAUGHTER)

Every time I see a couple
react like that,

where you look at each other
and you relate to the material,

you know what dawns on me?
It dawns on me that finally,

after 15 years
of doing stand-up comedy,

I've got one workable piece
of observational material.

(LAUGHTER) Because my comedy
is great, it's not relatable.

I can't come out here like
Jerry Seinfeld and say,

"Hey. What is the deal when someone
throws a bread roll at you

"and you become the figurehead
of a conservative hate campaign?"

What?
But this, you guys really related.

Which one of you is good at
sleeping and which one is bad?

I'm good at sleeping.
Not a scientific study.

I will say, every single time I've
asked, I ask in an open-ended way,

which one is good at sleeping,
which one is bad at sleeping?

The person who's good at sleeping
goes, "I'm good at sleeping.

"Oh, I'm so good at sleeping.

"Look at how well-rested I sound.
Mmmmmmmm!"

Meanwhile, the person who
is bad at sleeping is going.

"Uugghhh! (SNORES)

"(WHINES) I've had 50 coffees today

"and if I have another one,
I'm gonna die."

Listen, you piece of shit.
(LAUGHTER)

You're not better than her
and you're not better than me.

People who are good at sleeping,
you're not better than us.

You don't have less
anxiety than us either,

you just process it at
a different time of day.

My girlfriend walks
around all day like this.

"I can't believe I said that.
I can't believe I said that in 1997.

"I can't believe I said that."
Then it's time for bed.

It's like someone flipped
a switch and she powers down.

I walk around all day like this.
# A-wop-bop-a-loo-bop-a-lop-bam!

# I'm Nish and I'm great

# I'm Nish and I'm great whoo!
I'm Nish and I'm great...

Go to the supermarket. "I hope you
die." # I'm Nish and I'm great

# A-wop-bop-a-loo-wow
a-lop-bam-bam! #

Then it's time for bed
and all I can think is,

"I've go to read Tess Of
The d'Urbervilles." (LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

I told three people today that
I've read Tess Of The d'Urbervilles.

One of them didn't even ask.
(LAUGHTER)

Just kicked in the doors
of a bookshop and said,

"Hey, guess what book I've read."
(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

Anyway,
I've got to be very careful here

because twice on the tour,
I split these trousers...

(LAUGHTER)
..executing that very move.

It was bad. You don't
want to split them again.

Because when I split in the second
time, I took them to my dry cleaner

and he just went, "Again?"
(LAUGHTER)

There's sometimes a point
when you split your trousers,

as someone with testicles,
and you feel air on your balls

and you go,
"Yeah, I've split my trousers."

It's not...
If you feel air on your penis,

it's because you
took out your penis.

I assume it's the same for the
vulva. You're wearing a skirt,

there's a point where
the wind changes and you go,

"I shouldn't have been
able to feel that." (LAUGHTER)

And it's definitely not where
I should've been able to feel it.

So, look, the important thing is,
I feel much better, I'm doing OK.

Right? And I didn't really know
why I was talking about this

at all on stage,
other than I'd booked a tour.

I did the gig in London,
my family lives in London,

so a lot of my family were at that
gig and my cousin's wife was there.

She said, "It's nice to see you
do a show that's about something."

And I said, "Er, do tell."

(LAUGHTER) "Why don't
you say what you think it is

"and I'll tell you if you're right.
(LAUGHTER)

She said, "It feels very
clear that the show is about you

"trying to tell people that there
is an emotional toll to racism."

We talk about it as a thing that
affects our employment prospects,

we talk about it as a sociological
phenomenon, we don't talk about

the fact that it takes
an emotional toll on people.

And hopefully what keeps this the
right side of comedy is I am a very

resourced person and I was able to
pay for mental-health-care support.

All I'm inviting you to imagine is
that there are a lot of people

equally affected by racism who don't
have access to the funds I have.

That's all I'm trying to say
because I'm absolutely fine.

The BBC did cancel The Mash Report
because they said

they'd run out of money, then
the next day The Sun newspaper

said that they had cancelled it
because the director general

was trying to get rid of the
left-wing bias at the corporation.

We asked the BBC if they would
clarify that that wasn't the case.

So far, to date, no-one has done so.

Now that felt like a bitter pill
but what made it sweeter

the headline, "Nish-Mash-bosh!"
(LAUGHTER) And you have...

You have to say fair play. Come on.

I don't like The Sun
any more than any of you do...

(WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE)
..but you have to say.

Look how much... Jesus Christ.

(LAUGHTER)
What the fuck is that?

How bad has that been?

What? You are just nodding at me?

(LAUGHTER)
How bad can that be?

"Oh, very bad."

Look at this shit.
(LAUGHTER)

I'll tell you what it is,
it's not sweat.

I lactated oat-milk...
(LAUGHTER) ..for you,

my children.
(APPLAUSE)

Suckle at my teat.

We can CGI that out, right?

No?
(LAUGHTER)

But broadly, ultimately,
I'm absolutely fine, right?

The show got cancelled
but that freed me up to do

more lucrative
work for commercial channels.

So like everyone who's
been cancelled recently,

it's been very good
for my bank balance, right?

And, ultimately, all I've
come away from this with

is a bit of perspective. Like, I've
just got a different perspective

on my career, I've got a different
perspective on my mental health.

I've also got a different
perspective on the bread roll,

certainly than a lot of people
seem to have on the internet.

Every time I announce
something like this tour,

all that happens is five people
immediately comment underneath.

"Don't go and see this guy.
He's a shit comedian.

"He got hit by a bread roll."

That's not how I see it.
Here's how I see it.

I'm such a good comedian that when
I have a bad gig, it makes the news.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

So, look, I'm going to be OK.

We might not be OK.
(LAUGHTER)

That's the thing that
concerns me at the moment.

We might not be OK. I don't
know what's going to happen.

I don't know if we're
about to tip into full fascism.

Maybe we're on the precipice
of a dawn of some great

socially progressive revolution.
It's hard to say at this point.

There's a lot of conservative
movements that have hacked

arcane democratic systems and
they're able to win elections

without the majority of the
population actually voting for them.

And it's a difficult
situation to be in.

Who knows if we're going
to be on the dawn of some

socially progressive revolution?
It seems like

the demographics
are tipping that way.

But, at the same time,
as much as everyone says

the right and the left have nothing
in common, that's not true.

The right hates the left
and the left hates the left.

But sometimes... (LAUGHTER)
..I do feel like things

might be about to get better because
whenever these conservative

authoritarian rulers come to power,
the first two things they do,

clamp down on our ability to
protest and on our ability to vote.

That suggests to me
that they are afraid of us

because there are more of us
than there are of them, right?

Also, if there are not more of us
than there are of them,

then why do all adverts
now sound like this?

"Our diversity is our strength."
(LAUGHTER)

"Where you come from or who you love
should never stop you from living

"a life filled with dignity,
joy and respect. Eat ham!"

(LAUGHTER) What the fuck
has this got to do with ham?

If corporations are pretending
to have consciences, maybe that's

a good thing because they're worried
it affects their bottom line, right?

And I really don't know
what's going to happen next.

All I know is, I'm now character
in some sort of culture war

that I didn't ask
to be inculcated into.

I occasionally just crop up in
the press as a distraction tactic.

Sometimes it's because
it's something I've said,

sometimes it's because the wind's
changed and The Mail is in a mood.

Who knows why,
like athlete's foot,

it just flares up every so often,
right?

The only time it really upset me
was because of what was said

rather than the fact
that it was being said.

I presented a clip from
a children's television show

that had already been on television
but when it came out

with me presenting it,
there was a shitstorm

and a journalist called Andrew Neil,

not a journalist,
a cunt called Andrew Neil...

(WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE) If you
don't know him, he's the, um...

He's the absolute patron saint
of red-faced men.

Oh, man! This motherfucker
is walking around looking like

goddamn Hellboy in the streets,
it's unbelievable.

(LAUGHTER)

He described what I'd done and what
we had done as being anti-British.

I don't hate Britain.
I'm not against Britain.

I am against nationalism
and I'm against...

I'm against nationalism in India.
If you don't know,

India is run by a cabal of Hindu
nationalists led by Narendra Modi

and the BJP and
they're fucking arseholes

and they run the country
along this principle.

Hinduism is the best,
which I disagree with politically.

In terms of religion,
I do agree with it unfortunately.

I'm not going to start
a religious war. All I'm saying is

if you're Jewish,
Christian or Muslim... (SNORES)

..your fucking religion is boring.

Ooh! We've got one god. We've
got 75 and some of them are blue,

it's like the X-Men,
it's incredible. (LAUGHTER)

I hate conservative nationalists.
I hate nationalists of all stripes,

to be quite honest with you.
Love your country if you want,

just don't be an arsehole about it.
Here's what you must never say,

here's the dividing line.
You can say, "I love my country."

You can't say, "I live in the
greatest country in the world,"

because that is always followed by,
"So we should run other countries."

Also, you don't live in the
greatest country in the world

if the majority of your population
still uses toilet paper.

I don't know if you've sat
on a Japanese toilet recently

but you can basically call in
a drone strike on your own arsehole.

It's unbelievable.
You can aim a jet of water

at the temperature of your choosing
into the specific position

of your back passage. And then,
after it's washed your arse,

it dries it while
singing a little song.

That's the greatest country
in the world if anyone is.

Meanwhile, we're here,
# Rule Britannia

# Britannia rules the waves. #

What other form of cleaning involves
wafting tracing paper near the mess,

just smearing shit all over our
arseholes and then pulling up

our trousers and pants going to
the post office like it's fine?

Every country that uses toilet paper
is just slow-moving queues

of shit-smeared arseholes
saying that they live

in the greatest
country in the world.

(LAUGHTER)

That's why I hate
all nationalistic symbols.

Nationalism is a prison,
it stops us from getting better

because we already
think we're the best.

How can you improve if you already
believe you're number one?

I hate all the symbols of
nationalism, even the benign ones.

I hate all national anthems
and I think, honestly,

if you're an adult
and you sing national anthems,

you should have your vote
taken off you. What are you,

a fucking toddler? Change your nappy
and grow up, you fucking idiot.

Imagine explaining
national anthems to someone

who'd never heard of them.
"Every country must have its own

"theme song and we sing the
theme song at sporting events

"and war memorials." Weird
that those two ended up together.

"Sporting events and war memorials
with our hands on our hearts,

"lest they jump out because of
how much we love our country."

Do you stand like this for all
theme songs? "Yes. Yes, I do."

"Don't you dare skip into, Netflix.

"# So no-one told me
life was gonna be this way. #

(LAUGHTER)

Are any of them good songs?
"No, they're all shit songs."

I hate during the Olympics when
adult friends of mine will say,

"Ooh, the Italian national anthem
is quite the banger."

Stick it on in a fucking nightclub
and see how you get on.

"No, disc jockey, we don't need
Crazy In Love by whoever Beyonce is,

"we need a real banger like
the Italian national anthem."

At least some of them don't have
words, those are more dignified,

though they're
still shit fucking songs.

The words to every
national anthem are just,

# My country is the best country

# All other countries

# Stupid fucking countries

# Everything we did
in history was good

# Our men are so tall
and our women have

# Lovely round boobies. #
(LAUGHTER)

And there's people standing there,
"Oh, the theme song is sacred.

"They just did the bit
about the boobies."

How could this moment get better
than someone unfurls a flag?

"Oh, the big towel."

The towel is up
and the theme song is playing.

The American theme song
is about the towel.

# Oh, the towel is so big

# It's so very big

# It's the biggest towel...

Don't kneel, Colin Kaepernick,
this is a serious song.

# You can dry half a shark. #

(LAUGHTER)

Not the worst national
anthem, though.

We know the worst national anthem.
Our piece-of-shit

national anthem because
it's not even about the nation.

# Our old man

# Is the best old man...

I can't remember the tune,
it's so fucking boring.

# All other old men, jump in a well

# He's got a hat

# A very lovely hat

# That hat's got a TV show

# It's called The Crown

# If your old man had a TV show.
it will pick up

# Shut up, old man, just a bit

# Stop saying his brother
is a paedophile

# I've seen you on the internet

# Calling him
a sweatless ultra nonce

# I will admit I took
a look at the evidence

# Ooh!

# Sometimes I wonder
in 20 years' time

# Will there be another
Netflix documentary

# Like the Jimmy Savile one
and the whole world will say

# Jesus fucking Christ

# Why can't you spot these
obvious fucking paedophiles

# At the apex of your establishment?

# But come on, don't say it
because his brothers an old man...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

# Hold on a second

# Wasn't that song about an
old lady until quite recently?

# Yes, it was

# But she died and we
changed the words to the song

# Weirdly, that's the only
time a lot of people in Britain

# Are comfortable with
gender pronouns changing...

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

# Where did he get
all of those jewels?

# Is it because successive
governments went around the world

# Plundering countries
of their natural resources

# And subjugating
their people for centuries

# Before exiting brutally,
sometimes creating

# Geopolitical problems
that persist until this day?

# Yes, that's what happened

# But don't mention it
because that was ages ago. #

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you
so much for coming out, everybody.

I really, really appreciate it.
I hope you had a good night.

Thank you very, very much.
Good night!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

AccessibleCustomerService@sky.uk

# I'm doing circles
in the firing line

# No comfort in this heart of mine

# It's been a while since
that smile graced this face

# And there was panic
at the break of dawn. #