Original subtitles

Downloaded from 9jaRocks.Com

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jessica Kirson!

Official 9jaRocks movies site: 9jaRocks.Com

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Thank you! Thank you so much! Thank you!

So nice.

Hi, guys. Keep clapping. Thank you so much.

Thank you, that's so nice!

Stand up. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Thank you. I love you guys.

God, there's so many gay men here. Oh, my God.

Wow. Holy shit.

You're all up front, too.

- Did anyone come alone? - Yeah!

Yeah, I come alone a lot. That's why...

I'm miserable. You know, I've always been--

I was even depressed as a child, you know what I'm saying?

My friends would be like, "Let's play house."

I'm like, "Let's play hospice care."

Every time I go through TSA,

this is totally true,

I get patted down almost every single time

because I think they look at me

and they're like, "This woman needs affection.

"This woman...

"...needs to be held.

This woman needs something."

And they always pat down my shoulders, my legs, my back.

I'm like, "Could you touch my crotch?

"Is there any way you could finger me?

"Because I need...

...to be fingered immediately."

Sometimes, I swallow loose change or an ion battery.

Or a Honda Accord, so that they get more handsy.

I've even put a roast there, so the dogs get involved.

If you didn't just laugh at that, you should die, that is...

When you go through security and they do touch you in the groin area,

this is for women, I don't know if they do the same thing for men,

they literally go, "Would you like us to take you in the back?"

And I'm like, "Ha! I'd prefer it."

Take me in the back and pull my hair and tell me I'm not funny.

And if you keep this up, I'm gonna have a lot more

than three and a half ounces of liquid on me.

You guys are great.

I do a lot of shows in Florida for very old people.

Some of you know that. They're 80, 90.

Some have passed. And the thing is...

...a lot of times I don't hear laughter for 45 minutes to an hour.

I just hear bodily functions.

Moaning, groaning.

Just...

Help me!

Somebody help me!

They yell out at me. I'm not kidding.

One woman s-- once yelled out,

"Comedian!

"Comedian, get me a seltzer water.

I'm thirsty. Get it."

I'm like, "Get your own seltzer water, Sylvia, you fucking bitch."

One woman once yelled out, "Clown!"

She called me a clown.

Can you imagine?

I hear, "Clown!

Cloooooown!"

It sounded like a llama getting a colonoscopy.

One guy once yelled out, "Bingo!" I'm like, "What?"

Who's playing Bingo?

Can you imagine what they say during sex? Can you imagine?

"Suck my dick, Sylvia!"

"Come on my face, Seymour."

"Did you pay the insurance?

"I crashed the car today.

The cleaning lady is stealing from us."

"She too--

She took my everything bagel seasoning."

I do those developments in Florida,

those 55-and-over developments, and they have other programs going on.

And I had to check them out. Like, I had to see what's going on there.

And one of the things they had going on

was "Sex and Intimacy in Your Elder Years".

And I was like, "That's good."

You know, that's a great program for these people.

But I looked at the brochure, and I was really blown away.

I thought it was beautiful.

So, I-I copied down the different subjects that they go over

and the different classes they have, and I wanted to read it to you guys.

Do you guys wanna hear it? Yeah.

It made me emotional.

I think you guys are really gonna get emotional from this.

It's really beautiful.

Um, "Getting to Know Each Other Again." Isn't that beautiful?

Yeah, I know, I really...

"Simple Stretches for Intimacy".

That's nice.

You know, I think these people need to stretch before they...

"Assisted Sex, the Do's and Don'ts of Bringing Your Aide Into the Bedroom".

That's...

that's important. It, like...

"How to Remember Your Partner's Name".

That's...

I wouldn't want someone to forget my name.

"How to be Intimate While the Middle East is in Crisis".

I think it's really...

Yeah.

"Elderly Abuse: S&M in Your 80s".

I would go to that.

"Finding the Clit When You Can't Find Your Keys".

This is--

I would run to that one 'cause I'm always losing things.

Yeah.

This one is very important for the gay men,

um, and the straight women in the crowd.

I mean, you guys would definitely take this.

You would never want to forget how to do this.

"Deep Throating with Dementia".

This is...

You know what I mean? You would...

Thank you. Um...

Thank you.

If you want to know about me, this is really true.

If you really want to know about me, you have to see my vibrator.

It is a fucking mess. It says a lot about a person.

You know, a lot of women are like,

"I bought a new vibrator. It's purple. It's amazing. I deserve it."

My vibrator, it's-- It has pieces missing from it.

I'm serious.

They're inside of me. I have...

...more plastic inside of me than the Pacific Ocean.

It is...

I-- It's that magic wand.

It is this-- It's-It's enormous. It's this long.

It is s-- It's like a jackhammer, it is so powerful.

Do you know, I dropped it the other day,

and my neighbors got an earthquake warning?

It is fucking--

I also use it as an immersion blender, so it's very...

...helpful. I make split pea soup with it.

It's really-- That's my merch.

Split pea soup. I sell it after my shows.

Anyway, it plugs into the wall, that's how disgusting it is.

It's not even cordless because I hate myself.

I half-stand when I use it. This is not a joke.

I, I half-- It doesn't make it to the bed.

I look like I'm up to bat, I swear to God.

I stand like this.

And when I come, I literally sound like an umpire.

I'm like, "Strike!" You know what I mean?

Room service knocked on the door the other day,

and I'm like, "You're outta here!"

Do you want to hear the sound I really make when I'm coming?

This is very vulnerable. Yeah.

Help me!

Who the fuck are you?!

I actually did just buy new sex toys. This is really true.

I-I went crazy 'cause I'm like, "You deserve it.

You've been making money, you're doing well."

I did. Thank you.

You guys are amazing. I spent $684.

This is not a joke.

I clicked on everything. I'm like, "Fuck it."

And it came in a pack-- and I'm like,

"I don't know what to do with any of this. And a lot of it's intense."

So now, I've just been using it for other--

I use the nipple clamps to seal my chip bags. Um...

I've been using the paddles when I play my mother in pickleball.

That's been very...

I use the butt plug to seal my wine bottles.

That's been very helpful.

I use the ball gag, so I don't binge at night.

That is really...

I bought a swing, which I always wanted.

So now, I just put it on the porch.

And I love watching the sunset between my legs, it is...

...so rela...

Um...

Wasn't that hot, ladies?

I look like I'm turned on by my own shit. Like...

That wasn't funny what you just said.

You were doing great, and you just did a joke,

and you knew it wasn't gonna do well, and you did it anyway.

Don't sabotage yourself. You deserve success.

Everything--

Everything is gonna be okay.

Woo!

You're doing great. You are.

Today, you ate a bag of Tostitos

and told yourself it was a serving of corn.

Most of you just laughed at that. Some of you didn't get it.

But what I just did was very creative, but you're dumb.

Um...

Trust me, there's a couple of people who are like,

"What the fuck just happened?

"Where the fuck am I?

Is that Kirstie Alley? I thought she died."

I had a threesome once. This is true.

Isn't that hot? Yeah, I did. Yeah.

It was crazy. Um, yeah, it was amazing

'cause I have ADD, and I was very confused and overwhelmed.

There were so many tits and holes.

I, I felt like I was playing Whac-A-Mole.

I was just...

...swinging my hands around like, "What is going on?"

I ended up giving myself a hickey. It was un...

I was smacking my own ass, asking myself if I liked it.

"Do you like it?" "What?"

"It's me." "Who?"

"Who's on third?" You know, it was so...

I choked myself. And, and-- Ugh.

I ended up blacking out. I woke up two hours later.

The two women had left, my watch was missing,

and I was covered in Cool Whip.

"I was covered in Cool Whip."

Yeah. You know, I've been, I've been out, uh, for a while.

I was, uh, you know, I was with men for a while

at the University of Maryland, um, in blackouts.

Um...

I was so drunk, I didn't even know they weren't women.

Uh...

I was like, "Wow, your clit is huge."

There's lesbians here, right? I just-- Yeah, I--

She looked angry.

Um...

When guys watch lesbian porn,

they think that's what it-- like, women with long nails

and tons of makeup on, you know what I mean? Like,

"Oh, my God, Tiffany, your fingers feel so good in my pussy.

Harder. Harder. Give me a hysterectomy."

Real lesbian porn is women just sitting around

crying and eating hummus.

It's...

very depressing.

I think I was born gay 'cause my mom

said the second I came out, I was like...

"Ahhhh!"

Woo!

Yeah, I even had a double-sided pacifier.

You know, there's categories for lesb-- and for gay men.

But the lesbian categ-- you know, butch, femme, Dora the Explorer.

Trust me, she's a fuckin' dyke.

She's always hiking, and she looks enraged.

I hate that bitch, you know?

"Backpack, backpack."

The biggest cave she explores is her girlfriend.

Trust me, she's fucking...

You know what's in that backpack?

Her cat's ashes, a journal, and a huge fucking dildo.

I'm serious.

You guys are so great.

I'm not a specific type of li-- I guess-- I-I mean, I'm butch,

but I'm not butch-butch, you know what I mean?

Like, I'll open a door for a woman, but I can't build one.

You know, that kind of...

Yeah, it's really like that.

You know, I would never fight someone, but I'll fist you.

You know that kind of...

Some of you aren't laughing. Let me do a couple more.

Um...

I would never fly a plane, but I love a good landing strip.

I do.

I would never go fishing. That's a butch thing, you know?

But I'll shuck a clam. I will shuck...

I'm into traditional kinds of relationships.

Like, I'm-I'm the breadwinner. I date feminine women, you know?

You know, it's important to me

that they cook and clean and do the laundry.

They fucking better!

There was just someone not laughing, but just mouthing my face, just...

I'm tired in bed at this point.

You know, I'm lazy. It-- I really am.

I'm just like, "Sit on me and spin around like a dreidel.

I'm fucking exhausted."

The last time a woman sat on my face, I fell asleep.

I was like...

It was fine, it was like a warm eye mask, you know what I'm saying?

She was so wooly, I started counting sheep.

Um...

Most of you just laugh.

Odds are, there's a couple of homophobes in the crowd.

They're all-- I mean, come on.

There's definitely some straight men here

who get hard at the gym and don't know why.

Some guys, you know, don't accept that you're gay.

That's the thing. And they'll say the dumbest things.

They really will. Like, these--

I remember one guy was like, "Do you guy-- Do you scissor?

Like, do fucking women scissor? Have you scissored in a while?"

I'm like, "Oh, please, I've been scissoring for years."

I've sheared.

Okay, at this point, I'm shearing.

They've said dumb things to me.

Like, when I was younger, this guy was like,

"I could change you."

I'll never forget this.

"I can change you. Trust me, I can change you."

I'm like, "Sir, you smell like shit."

I need to change you, like, literally.

I-- I need to change-- Like, I need to change you.

You stink.

One guy was like, "You just haven't been with the right guy.

Trust me. You haven't been with the right guy."

I'm like, "I am the right guy."

So great.

I am.

I'm like, "Just ask my girlfriend, Melissa.

My tongue is like a flag in a windstorm."

I have four daughters from two different women.

Um, I just couldn't stop nutting inside of them.

I wanted to spread my seed, you know?

My sesame seed.

I saw--

I saw an old friend recently, and she's like,

"Oh, my God, was it planned?"

I think it's the dumbest question

that anyone has ever asked me in my entire life

if my children with women was planned.

I'm like, "No, my condom broke."

There are religious people who will say that gay people want their kids to be gay,

that we try to make them gay.

I know some of you might not have heard this,

but that is completely true.

It's true. I hate admitting it.

But that is the only reason why I agreed to have children

was to create four big dykes.

'Cause it's an easier life.

So, why wouldn't I want that for my four precious daughters?

So, we are doing everything we can to make that happen.

I don't care if they're kind, I don't care if they're loving.

I don't even care if they're educated.

I just want them to be fucking truck drivers.

Yep.

Because I want them to be accepted.

And by the way, we're out to get your kids too,

to the straight people in the crowd.

Every gay person in this audience knows it

because we're on secret Facebook groups.

We get emails. Did you guys get the email today?

It was-- Yeah, you got it? It was so intense.

We have Amber Alerts on our phones.

Gay Amber Alerts. They're called Gamber Alerts.

They go... ♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

And when there's a child that's really close, it's amped up.

♪ La-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la ♪

We have candy.

We have vans, we have cookies.

We have Fag Newtons, we have Fag Newton--

We even have very long nets.

We can grab your children off of your lawns,

bring them into our vans and make them gay within five minutes.

Let me give you an example. If you have a boy on your lawn who's like,

"I wanna play football, Dad,"

I will-- my Gamber Alert will go off.

♪ La-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

I will jump into my van.

I will grab my Fag Newtons, I will...

...drive up to your house.

I will grab one of my nets. I have 11 of them.

Look at some of you. "Wow, that's a lot."

You're liter--

I will grab your child, bring them into my van.

And within five minutes, that same little boy that was like,

"I wanna play football,"

five minutes later, will come outta my van and be like,

♪ I wanna be on Broadway ♪

- ♪ Papa ♪

So, we are doing everything we can

to turn our four daughters into big, dyke, butch lesbians.

We've been taking them to a lot of softball games

just to get the mannerisms down.

We forbid them to eat hot dogs, of course,

they can only eat clams and oysters.

And we named all four of them Hillary Rodham Clinton because...

...we know how much people love her in this country,

so we just...

Every time I say her name, the whole crowd goes, "Ha, ha!"

My, uh, my three youngest are actually really girly.

That's the funny thing. They always wear dresses

and they dress up in crowns.

They're so cute. And they do shows for me a lot.

And they fucking suck. They suck...

...so bad. It is painful because I'm a performer

and I'm like, "Gotta get it together. This is--

Mama doesn't have a lot of downtime. This is really..."

I'm like, "Twirl around, bitch!" You know what I mean?

"Do a split, motherfucker!" Like, this is...

I went to their dance recital with all the other kids,

and I literally was watching them. It looked like--

They looked like wandering Jews, they were just...

It looked like a methadone clinic.

Like, just people walking around the hallway looking for a nurse.

One of the kids in their class fell into the band,

and then she had the nerve to bow.

I'm like, "Are you fucking kidding me?"

The other parents were throwing flowers.

I threw a brick. I was like, "Fuck you."

They were like, "Let's go for ice cream."

I'm like, "Mom is gonna relapse. This is it, this..."

They put me down a lot 'cause kids are honest, you know?

You know that, they'll say everything that's on their mind.

Like, this is literally what happened. This is where material comes from.

I was in the shower recently, and my daughter walked in

and literally looked me up and down, and looked disgusted.

She was like...

And then, I swear,

she starts crying looking at my naked body.

She's like...

So, I open the door and I'm like, "Are you okay, honey?"

And you're gonna laugh. This is literally what she said to me.

She goes, "I don't wanna look like you."

I'm like, "It's okay. We used Mommy's egg."

Like, I didn't know what to say to her.

She literally put me down again. She looked at me and she goes,

"Mama, you have eyelashes in your nostrils."

I'm like, "Fuck you!

You smell like a barn animal, bitch."

They always wanna hear the same stories,

and lately, it's been Cinderella.

Some of you know this if you have kids.

And it's-- I'm like, I am so sick of telling the story of Cinderella.

I've been telling it for literally like a month and a half.

I'm like, "Can we say another story now?"

They're like, "I wanna hear Cinderella.

"I only wanna hear Cinderella.

Cinderella."

I'm like, "Okay, this bitch wasn't invited to a party.

"She went there, and she blew a guy, and she left a shoe.

"He came to find her, and they fuck forever.

Now, we're gonna do Beauty and the Beast!"

My 17-year-old only talks to me in TikTok dances,

and I have no idea what she's saying.

You can't understand what these kids are saying anymore.

She's like, literally, she's like, "Mama, seriously,

"you were supposed to pick me up from school the other day

"and you were, like, so late.

I don't even know what's going on."

And I'm like, "What?"

And she's like, "Why don't you understand me?

Like, everyone else understands me."

So, now I just talk to her like that too

because she doesn't listen to me anyway.

I'm like, "Zoe, seriously?"

She's like, "You're so cringe.

You are, like, so cringe."

I'm like, "No, this is cringe."

Um...

I just pulled something in the back of my shoulder. I--

She introduced me to her boyfriend, Blake, recently.

I don't care what anyone says,

teenage boys are the most awkward people on the planet.

You can argue with me, I don't care.

She's like, "Mama, this is Blake. I love him."

This was Blake. I'm like, "Hi, Blake."

He's like, "Hey."

"What's up?"

Woo!

I'm like, "Does Blake have to go to the hospital?

"Does he wear a fucking helmet? Like, what is wrong with this kid?

He just peed all over my living room."

I stood by her room to listen to them talk 'cause I need material,

and it literally...

...sounded like a petting zoo, um,

where the animals were dying to get out.

She was like, "Oh, my God, Blake,

I can't wait for your soccer."

He was like...

And she's like...

And he was like...

I never thought of getting a gun until that moment.

I was like...

You know, having kids is interesting because I-- uh, my parents are amazing,

but my father was tough. You know, he was really tough.

He, he was the funniest person I've ever met in my life,

and very loving in a lot of ways.

But he was tough, you know, he was like-- had a temper,

um, and he w-- he also wore an enormous toupee.

And that is an interesting combination

because what he would do when he was enraged

is that he would rip it off and throw it.

Um...

And... it had tape on it, and it was very big.

Um...

like, we were in a store once and he got very upset

and he's like, "I don't like these prices."

And he just...

...threw it into an aisle.

Um...

and then, he left the store,

and he's like, "Jessi, go get my hair."

And I'm like, "Dad, that's a body part.

You know what I'm saying? Like, that's..."

So, I went to get it, and I put it on my head,

and I've been wearing it ever since, you know?

Um, yeah.

Thank you for clapping at my horrible hair.

That makes me feel good.

Yeah, he, uh, he would, you know,

he'd get upset, like, when things would spill or stuff, you know?

One time, I spill a cup of water,

and he literally was like, "Oh, man, there's water on the floor!"

And I'm like, "It's-It's just a cup, Dad."

"It's not a cup. It's like a pitcher-full.

"There's a pitcher of water.

"It's gonna go everywhere. It's like a flood.

"There's a flood in the house and I'm gonna slip on it

"and I'm gonna break my neck.

"And business is bad. The market's a mess.

"But what the fuck? What am I gonna do?

You caused the market to be a mess."

Um--

So, now I overcompensate with my kids.

Like, I c-- I c-- I don't reprimand.

Like, my daughter spilled water recently on me.

"It's okay!

"It's okay that you spilled water!

"Mama spills water all the time! You're not gonna be damaged!

"Look, Mama's spilling a bucket of water!

"Here's a hose. Look!

"Look, there's water all over the place!

It's okay!"

Anyway, um...

...my--

My daughter put her finger in the socket recently.

I'm like, "It's okay you put your finger in the socket!

"Mama put a toaster in the bath today!

I tried to kill myself!"

My daughter literally wrote, "I hate lesbian Jews" on the floor,

and I'm like, "What a beautiful project!"

"You're so creative!"

Okay.

I left there and fucked my face with 86 Twinkies.

That's what really happened.

Gotta do what you gotta do!

What?

You gotta do what you gotta do.

I love you. "You gotta do what you gotta do."

That's so New York.

"If you have to fuck your face with 86 Twinkies, do it."

So New York. I love it.

Yeah.

At least it wasn't 87.

I, uh, I almost blew up during COVID again.

So, I was like, I better do something. This is really true.

So, I joined Weight Watchers,

where you download the app and it counts the points.

The problem is, I lie on it.

I lie on my own app, and I'm the only one that sees it.

Do you know how fucked up that is?

The other day, I had a pint of ice cream and I wrote down, "One baby carrot."

I also lie on other apps too.

I bought a Fitbit, and now I just strap it on my dog

and take him to the track.

And he's exhausted, but I feel great about my progress.

I'm such a liar. I don't even have a fucking dog.

I don't.

I lie when I'm getting room service. This is so vulnerable.

Like, I don't have to tell you guys this, but I do.

It's amazing.

Like, when I call, I don't want the person

knowing how much I'm ordering for myself.

I'll never even meet this person, but I care what they think of me.

It's pathetic. So, I'll be like,

"Hi, can I get two orders of chicken wings?

"Hold on. Do you want ranch?

"Or blue cheese?

"Okay, he'll have six sides of ranch.

"'Cause he's a fat fuck, he is...

...out of control."

Yeah.

Yeah, it's amazing. I, uh--

You know, I really did lose another person.

Like, weight-wise, I lost another person.

I lost my hungrier, happier self. That's really...

Her name is Fatalie Porkman.

Um...

It's true, and sometimes she comes to visit me,

and, uh, it's a lot, you know, 'cause she'll be like,

"Remember when we would go to the buffet

"and eat all the egg rolls?

"That was a blast!

"Remember when we got hit by a car,

"and the car was totaled?

"And we walked away unscathed?

"Remember when we stole all the Halloween candy

from those three girls and ran for our lives?"

That's exhausting, I have to tell you.

That is a workout to do that character.

I went to camp for fat kids.

Uh, it was-- No, it was great.

Some of you will get sad because I don't know why.

Fat camp was fun.

We all went on our own bus.

We used to play--

We--

We used to play a lot of fun games like breathing, chafing.

Try to hide and seek. That was fun.

I would say to my friend, Jody, "I can see you behind the barn.

You need to find a mountain. I mean..."

There were no top bunks for safety reasons, of course.

We loved playing catch...

our breath. You know, it was...

We used to have to go for walks every morning.

That was great, we'd hear...

And we'd walk up and down hills, you know, next to cattle.

This is totally true.

And people that would drive into town would get-- be supportive.

You know, they'd yell out, "Good job, kids!"

And we would go...

I gave my first handjob in fat camp. This is totally true.

It took me an hour to find his dick.

I'm like, "Where the fuck is this thing?!"

It was like another camp activity.

I felt like I was kneading bread.

I really did, like I was ab...

Do you know when he came, warm butter came out?

No wonder why I stayed fat. It was delicious.

So, I went to a trauma center. Um...

I love that segue.

"It was warm butter, it was delicious. I went to a trauma center."

And I got sober, uh, during COVID.

Um, and it was-- Thank you. Thank you so much for supporting.

I'm joking. I'm totally joking that.

Yeah, this is upbeat. Anyway, um,

no, it's great. I mean, I-I had a problem with drugs.

You know you have a problem with cocaine

when you're like, "It's my turn," and you're alone.

That's a fucking problem.

You guys are so great.

I will relapse before I die.

I'm telling you, I'm gonna relapse on crystal meth,

because I never tried it, and, um, I will.

I'll live in an over-55 development in Florida,

and I'll be like,

"I just ran around the golf course 68 times.

Who wants to fuck?"

You know what I'm saying?

"Get over here, Shelby."

When I got to the, um, the place, it was amazing

'cause the woman that checked me in, uh, was unbelievable.

It was the first person I saw there.

And I literally walked in the office and I sat down,

and she literally looked at me

and she's like, "Hello.

"Welcome to the trauma center.

"You're gonna get a lot of things done here.

"We're gonna take really good care of you.

"You're gonna heal a lot of wounds.

You're gonna do breath work and exposure therapy."

I'm like, "Are you a patient?"

"Did you leave a group?" Like, what the fuck is going on right now?

I looked down to see if she was wearing paper slippers.

I was like...

And then we dated, and it was really...

...an incredible relationship.

I, uh, I did therapy with a horse.

Um, I did equine therapy. Don't even ask.

I would've never done this if I wasn't in such bad shape.

I mean, I'm very open, but this was a lot.

Uh...

and the woman took me down there and she's like,

"We're gonna do therapy with a horse,

"and it's really gonna heal you.

"Um, you're gonna stand across from the horse

"and the horse is gonna take on your feelings,

and the horse is gonna mirror you."

And, um, I'm like, "If the horse takes on my feelings

"and experiences what I'm experience,

"it's gonna fucking kill itself, okay?

"It's gonna drop dead, because I'm not okay.

Do you understand that I'm not okay right now?"

So, I stood... across from this horse.

I'm literally staring in this horse's face.

And I felt like it was like-- I really felt like the horse

was looking at me like, "Wow, another horse."

You know what I mean? Like...

"She's pretty, you know?" I really...

And then I look down, and the horse had a hard-on, I swear.

Has anyone ever seen a horse with a hard-on?

It's, it's a wiffle bat. It is enormous.

It's this big, okay? It's huge.

And I really felt good. I'm not kidding.

It was the best I felt during my time at the trauma center.

I finally turned something on.

And then I sucked it, and the thing is...

...I was shocked because warm butter came out, you know what I mean?

I, uh, I really am trying to take care of myself.

And, uh, you know, I went to Sephora recently.

That's the butch thing about me, I do not know how to put on makeup.

I've tried for years; I don't know how.

And when I put on makeup,

I look like I've been passed around at a frat party.

It's a fucking

mess.

So, I-- I went to Sephora,

and I went up to the most bedazzled gay guy I could find.

I know.

Heaven for me. Heaven, because I knew he'd be honest with me.

'Cause those young girls are full of shit, you know?

They're like, "You look great. You're doing a great job.

"You are. You can do it.

"And you're thin, you're thin.

And your boobs are even. They're real--"

And I'm like, "No, my boobs aren't even,

and my bra looks like a dog toy."

But anyway...

I went up to him and I was like, "Uh, can you help me?"

And literally, he looked at me and he goes,

"Oh, honey!

"We have a lot of work to do!

"This bitch is a mess. And she's famous.

"I know you from TikTok.

In every video, you look like Michael Jackson."

I was there for hours, I'm not kidding.

He spent hours on me.

Do you know, when I left there, I looked like a drag queen.

I looked like RuPaul.

I had a wig on, a gown, high heels.

I had a dick. Do you understand?

I got head. You know, the thing is...

I, uh-- This crowd, I have to tell you, you guys have been unbelievable.

I really love this crowd. Thank you.

I'm so grateful to you guys.

You know, I-I love my fans.

Uh, I-- been doing this for a long time, and I am so grateful to my fans.

I'm so-- You know, I deal with a lot of stuff you deal with,

uh, anxiety, depression.

And, um, I get messages every day, uh, from people all over, like,

"Hi, Jessica, this is your mentally ill fan from Ohio.

"I just wanna say I'm barely alive. But your...

"video today about tits and Jews really...

"...really helped me just wanna be here one more day.

I'm just hoping tomorrow's video is as funny."

I'm like, "That's a lot of pressure, Mary," like...

Because, you know, it's not easy. You know, and I have anxiety.

I was walking down the street recently, and these two girls

were walking in front of me, and I'm having, like, that--

those heart palpitations and all that stuff.

I know, some of you deal with it. It's so hard.

And they were having the craziest conversation.

This girl's like, "Oh, my God, Chelsea,

"you're not gonna believe this.

"But I was on TikTok, and I post this video

"and, like, nobody liked it and nobody commented.

"And I was, like, so upset because, like, I'm an influencer.

"And, like, this is really upsetting because, like, nobody commented.

"It was, like, really upsetting 'cause the algorithm's off.

And, like, the lighting was perfect, and my makeup looked perfect."

Right? I know.

Yeah.

I know, and then, the other girl was like,

"Oh, my God, you should've called me or texted me.

We're BFFs."

So, I killed them. I fucking killed them.

I did. I know.

I did. I killed them.

Because, like I said, they're not gonna stop talking like that.

Like, you're gonna go to a doctor and be like,

"Hi, I'm really not feeling well. I have a fever."

"Oh, my God, are you congested?

"'Cause I was watching a reel the other day,

"and this girl was, like, so congested, and I was like, 'Oh, my God.

"How are you breathing right now?'

"Does your throat hurt? Like, does it hurt when you swallow?

"Because I met the cutest guy the other day, and I swallowed.

"I swallowed his load, and I was like...

And now, I'm like, 'Is he gonna call me?'"

How do you fuck a girl like that? Can you imagine?

"Oh, my God, fuck me harder. You're not fucking me harder.

"I said fuck me harder. You're not doing it.

"I said fuck me harder. Come on, fuck me harder.

"Fuck me harder, motherfucker!

"Okay, you're fucking me harder now.

"Do you love me? Do you love me?

"I know we just met, but do you love me? Do you love me?

"Will you marry me? Do you love me? You're not listening to me.

"No one ever listens to me. Do you love me?

"Do you love me?! Do you?!

"Okay, okay, I think I'm gonna come. I'm gonna come.

"I'm gonna come, come, come. I'm gonna come.

"I'm gonna come. I'm gonna come.

"I'm gonna come. Here we go. Here we go.

"Here we go! This is amazing!

"Okay. Um, okay. Okay. Here we go.

Here we go. Here we go."

I'm losing my mind.

♪ We represent the lollipop guild ♪

You guys are amazing. Thank you so much.

Oh, my God. Thank you. I love you.

Oh, my God. Thank you.

I love you so much.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you,.

Thank you so much.