Original subtitles

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*

* Well, John's the lead in this movie scene *

* He's the Candy Man, if ya know what I mean *

* And he drives a long black limousine *

* With his sidekick Chick

* Now, John's a drummer out on the street *

* But the man can't even keep a beat *

* So he spins his wheels to make ends meet *

* Huh? * You got it? Stay with me, now *

* John's got a pretty little fiance *

* But her daddy's tryin' to pull a power play *

* And if Big Daddy gets his way *

* Our man John will be wearin' cement shoes! *

* I'm confused

* We're goin' berserk *

* You gotta be crazy to live the way we do *

* Goin' berserk Everything's hazy *

* And only your sweet love will see me through *

* Everybody's goin' berserk *

* Goin' berserk, goin' berserk *

* But now, Salvatore is a movie man *

* And he wants to put the wedding in the can *

* If he can, that's the rub *

* But Nancy's daddy's got a different plan *

* What? * Hold tight

* Cut to... * ( Heavenly choir sings)

* You see, Sun Yi, he's a holy man *

* But it's all a front for his master plan *

* Ya understand? * Huh?À*

* Now, Sun Yi runs an aerobics class *

* And he runs it pretty slick

* It'll trim your thighs, it'll pop your eyes *

* Jane Fonda's worried sick

* So the Holy One slips John a gun *

* And he says he wants Ed Reese undone *

* 'Cause Ed's a drag, he's just dead wood *

* Get it? * Got it! * Good!

* Goin' berserk

* You gotta be crazy to live the way we do *

* Goin' berserk

* Everything's hazy

* And only your sweet love will see me through *

* Goin' berserk

* I'm a-startin' to go b-b-b-b-b-berserk! *

* Goin' berserk

* I don't know what I want, but I need it! *

* Goin' berserk

* Why don't you help me out a little bit? *

* You know what I like * Goin' berserk...

( Animals screeching in distance )

( Jungle drums beating )

I know, I know. We're almost there.

( Footsteps approach )

Hi. Hi. Okay, let's start--

Oh, cut that out. Will ya stop that?

C'mon, a joke is a joke. Will ya cut it out?

Awright, smoke 'em if ya got 'em.

Awright, lighten up and listen to me, now.

Awright.

I guess you're wondering how I got here.

Well, let me first introduce myself.

My name is John Bourgignon of the Melonville Bourgignons,

and a good friend of mine, Chick Leff, and I

ran a limousine service back in the States.

I was about to get married to this girl Nancy Reese--

Well, see for yourself.

You're not gonna believe this story.

You might believe it, I don't know. You--

You might buy it, you might not. Check it out.

I just gotta stop off at Sal's for a second.

Aw, no, I don't wanna go there.

He's gonna talk us into acting

in another one of his Kung Fu movies again.

Oh, that was embarrassing.

What do you think he wants? I dunno.

The only time he calls is when we're late on the loan payments,

and we're not late.

How's he make any money on look-alike service?

He don't. We're here to see Mr. DiPasquale.

I think his mother is on the phone.

May I say who's calling?

Tell him John and Chick are here.

I'll see if he's free. Thank you.

MAN: Aw, fuck you!

Yeah? Well, fuck you!

He's on a conference call.

If you'd care to take a seat, he'll be with you momentarily.

Great. Thanks a lot. Thank you.

Hey! Chick, Johnny! I been waitin' for ya!

C'mon inside,

I didn't know you guys were here.

* Here comes the bride, here comes the bride *

I got an important meeting inside.

No phone calls, no interruptions.

I don't wanna be disturbed.

What if you get a phone call?

No phone calls.

I got an important meeting inside. No interruptions!

No nothing!

Yes, Mr. Dispes--

DiPasquale! DiPasquale!

Make yourself at home.

Is this a real Oscar, Sal?

You bet your fat ass it is, Johnny.

It's the real thing.

Best Foreign Film 1958. My Big Hill.

Uh, somebody gave me that.

One of these days I'm gonna have my own.

I been thinkin' about gettin' back in the movies, ya know.

Yeah. Sit down. Thanks.

So, so, so--

a lot's been happening since I seen you last.

Been readin' about you in the paper and everything.

I mean, you're marryin' Ed Reese's daughter,

that's a very big thing.

I guess so, yeah.

So, uh, how'd you swing that?

Well, we met, and, uh, we liked each other,

we fell in love, and we're gonna get married.

That's very warm. I mean, I like the--

The love thing is very important because,

y'know, my own marriage didn't work out too good,

but I don't wanna get into that now.

Sal, show him the picture.

Nah, he don't wanna see the picture.

C'mon, show him the picture.

He don't wanna--

Well, I carry a picture of the ex on me.

Y'know, just for old times' sake.

She was a sweet kid. She was 18 when I married her.

Where'd you meet her, in high school?

No. I wish I we to high school.

Look at this.

Nice. Took a good picture, huh?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well...

the whole thing turned to rat shit after the honeymoon.

Look, Sal, why'd you call us here?

Wouldn't it be interesting

if you talked Ed Reese into letting me

film the entire wedding?

No, I'm sorry. It just wouldn't work.

You don't think I'm good enough?

I didn't say that.

Maybe you didn't see a little film

I like to call Kung Fu U.

What?

Maybe you don't remember

a little Salvator DiPasquale production

which just happened to gross $410,000

across this entire country playing drive-ins.

I guess you don't remember that, huh?!

And I put ya in the damn movie!

Sorry, Johnny,

I got a bark that's worse than my bite.

I gotta do something about this temper.

Well, I-I'm sorry I didn't know that.

No, that's all right, I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.

I just think it's--

He just won't go along with it, that's all.

Hey, you wanna know what I think?

I think it would be good for his image.

I really feel it'd be wrong.

I mean, he doesn't like me.

Telephone, Mr. Dispascous.

Moron!!!

Moron!!!

Hey, let me ask you boys somethin'.

How much money do you still owe on the limo?

I don't know, about...

a little over 10,000, I think.

12,300. It's a lot of money. It's a lot of fares.

It's a lot of work.

Y'know, I'd be willing to kiss that money off

if you could swing a deal with Reese.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

It's real important to me, Johnny.

You do this for me, I do this for you.

You scratch my back, I'm scratchin'--

Sal, it's impossible. Thanks very much.

Just think about it, that's all. We gotta go to work.

John, it's a lot of money.

I know it is. And I'm thinkin' about it.

Good.

Awright, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll ask Nancy to ask the old man.

But I'm not promisin' anything.

Great. That's all I ask.

Now, do me a favor, would ya?

I'm not coverin' for you tonight.

I'm sorry. I cannot work late.

We've got that big brunch tomorrow at Nancy's folks',

and I wanna be perky and charming.

Easy fare, they're classical musicians.

Just take 'em to their hotel, it'll only take a minute.

No. No is no.

WOMAN: We're live outside the courthouse

where religious cult leader

Sun Yi Day has just been indicted on several counts.

Included are conspiracy, tax evasion, kidnapping,

resisting arrest and jury tampering.

Congressman Ed Reese, the presidential hopeful

who's leading the crusade against these people

will be joining us shortly--

Hi, Shirley. Ah, Congressman.

Shirley, what everyone must understand about this

is that it is not religious persecution.

The Church of Sun Yi is not a church at all.

It's a front, it's a tax shelter,

set up solely for personal financial gain.

How do you see the situation? There are--

Excuse me. Reverend Sun Yi, could we get a statement?

The Reverend Sun Yi has no statements at this--

I'd like to say that this is a very old story.

If you don't understand something,

then you attack it.

You call it weird, or a cult.

And you try to destroy it.

Well, the person who is leading the attack

is usually someone who is on very shaky moral ground himself.

He's unsure of himself,

and so he lashes out in a paranoid way

against those of us

who have ascended to a higher plane

of consciousness and awareness.

Well, we'll survive this, we always have in the past.

And when Mr. Reese loses his anger and his fear,

we invite him to join us

in spreading our message of love and profit.

Thank you very much.

( Chuckles )

Shirley,

this is pure crap.

Can we quote you, Congressman?

Shirley, you may quote this:

I am going to get him.

JOHN: A Spanish version of The Beatles-- wonderful.

( Laughter )

Une momento.

Las Beatles.

Ringo. Really.

Pablo. How ya doin'?

Hi. Hi.

Juan. Juan.

How are ya?

Jorge. Jorge.

Ha ha ha ha!

Oh...

and I'm Mick Jagger.

Quieres tequila? Nah.

( Woman laughing )

JOHN: Not while I'm driving, thanks.

( Chuckling )

Good shit.

No. Thank you very much.

( Hooting and hollering )

Ohh...

Ohh...

Oh, thank you, God.

Oh, thank you, God.

I owe Ya.

You gave me a whole hour to sleep.

Ohh! That's all I need, I just need an hour.

( Birds singing )

Aaah!

( Chuckling )

Sorry.

You're fat.

My husband was fat.

He's dead now.

Ah.

You must eat like a pig.

( Chuckles )

Pig...

Yeah, yeah...

Cigarettes'll kill ya.

Um-hmm.

My husband smoked, y'know.

He died from smoking too much.

I thought you said he died 'cause he was fat.

He was fat with bad lungs.

WOMAN: Granny?

Granny! Oh, hi!

Oh, it's so good to see you!

My little girl!

I see you've met John.

No, I don't believe I have.

Oh, Granny, this is my fianc,

John Bourgignon.

Oh! How do you do?

Oh, what a handsome young man!

I hope you will both be as happy

as your grandfather and I were.

John!

Aaah!

Are you okay? I'm--I'm sorry.

I'm very sorry, Mrs. Reese, very sorry.

That's all right.

He's just been real tired recently.

He's been working so hard. He's just exhausted.

Where's Dad?

He's still on the phone, talking to Washington.

You know how it is in Washington.

I'm sorry I'm late, everyone.

I always say you can call me anything,

but don't call me late for dinner.

Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha! Ha--huh-huh--

Yeah.

Mother, it's good to see you!

You're looking wonderful as ever.

Hi, honey.

Hello, baby. Hello, Daddy.À

Hello, Mr. Reese.

Yeah.

Daddy, John and Chick's business is really improving now.

You think that's gonna make you enough money

to support my daughter, driving a limousine?

Yes, sir, I do.

That and I also supplement my income

by drumming part-time.

As a matter of fact, I'll be performing tonight.

Wonderful. You hang out in nightclubs.

No, sir. It's not really a nightclub.

How much money do you make a year?

Wouldn't you rather talk about this in private?

No. ( Buzzer )

I'll get it. Who could be at the back door?

That'd be probably my best man, Chick

and his date.

I invited him, Daddy.

I was saying, how much money do you make in a year?

Oh, in a year...

I would say anywhere from 30 to, um...

11,000 a year, sir.

But I invest very heavily in stocks.

Stocks. Oh, yes.

Who's your investor?

It's, um... you wouldn't know him.

Really? No.

What's that name? I know a lot of small firms.

Oh, they're just, they're new, almost.

And, uh, they go by the name of, uh...

of, uh, Smith and Barney and there's Andy and--

Aaah!

I'm very sorry.

You clumsy ox!

Do you see what you did?!

He didn't mean to break the chair.

He's too fat!

I'm sorry.

I'm very sorry about the chair, sir.

A little Crazy Glue will fix that right up.

Here's my friend Chick Leff now and--and his date.

Hi, everybody. Thanks for the invite.

Oh, this is Misty. Hi.

Oh, soup.

Pretty fancy place here, huh?

Yes, it looks great.

Uh, you have a half hour left.

It's up to you if you want to get off or not.

Ohh!

( Whispers ) Cool it.

GIRL: Do you know how ridiculous you people look?

Oh, hello, darling. Patty's here now!

I hate you people. I hate all of you.

She doesn't mean this.

But your day of reckoning will come!

And when it does,

I hope you get what you deserve!

That's my daughter Patty. She's the youngest.

Probably just a phase she's going through.

If you like, I'll talk to her. I'm more her age.

Jesus, I need a drink. I gotta make a martini.

He's been under a lot of strain lately.

That's all right, Mrs. Reese.

Stress has been known to turn people into complete shitheads.

Not your husband, per se, uh, but...

( Doorbell ) I'll get it.

Maybe the wedding will help to...

bring everybody closer together.

Oh, yeah?

Weddings are like that.

Mrs. REESE: Misty, your pimp is here to see you.

Uh-oh.

WOMAN: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Come on, ladies, let's run.

Run, run, run, run, run...

The new recruits sure look good.

Sun Yi showed great foresight setting us up here.

Mind control by way of the body.

Such empty minds,

crying out for fulfillment.

I'd like to fulfill that one in the red.

LEADER: Be tough, be strong, your body is your best friend...

I claim my divine right...

ALL: I claim my divine right...

...to material stuff...

...to material stuff...

...before someone else does.

...before someone else does.

My body, my mind, my money...

ALL: Sun Yi.

Sun...

Okay, okay, that's enough. Let's get down to business.

Murray, you got a cigarette? Yeah, here.

Let me have the regional financial report.

It's not great news.

I told you, we're gonna have a lot of bad publicity

from the Reese interview.

Transmissions have been very clear on this.

The obstacle must be removed.

Angela, initiate Plan A.

Yes, Your Holiness.

Plan A.

Get the big guy in the green limousine.

CHICK: Hi, guys.

Cut the small talk, you're late!

I've been playin' pocket pool up there for 15 minutes!

I got a grand opening today!

Awright, awright. Where to, Sal?

3rd and Elsmere. Mr. Hound Dog.

The hot dog people?

Yeah, they want the boys to walk around

wearing sandwich boards.

It's not a bad idea. Did you talk to Reese?

No, sorry. I haven't had a chance.

Would you talk to him, Johnny? This is important to me.

Yeah, I will.

Could you drop me off on the way?

Yes, I would mind, actually. Would you drive?!

Awright!

( Drums play disco beat )

* You stick by yi-yi-yi-yi *

* By my love

* Oh, oh, oh, oh

* My love

Hey, John?

* Yeah

What would you think

if we put like a flat gray on the wall

and then maybe a Chinese red lacquer trim on the molding?

Do you think that'd be good?

* Yeah, yeah

* Yeah

Yeah. I do, too.

* Yeah, by my love

* With my love

* By yi-yi-yi-yi

* By my love

What?

John, did you hear anything I was saying?

No. I'm practicing.

C'mon, Nance, I'm practicing.

Yeah, but you've been practicing all day long.

I know. I'm bad.

What do you mean, you're bad?

You're the greatest.

You're a great drummer.

You tell that to the guys tonight.

I think it's amazing what you do with all these things.

What you do with your little foot there...

I know, it is amazing.

What you do with these--

what do you call 'em, drumstick things?

Drumstick things. That's very good.

Why don't you show me how to use 'em?

No, no, no. This takes years-- C'mon.

It takes years to play this.

Show me.

No, I can't. I gotta get ready to go.

Tell you what-- put 'em in your hands.

Why don't you just sit down and play.

Go nuts, all right? Have fun.

I gotta get ready.

( Playing snappy beat )

Gimme those things!

Don't ever do that again!

Sheesh!

( Women talking and laughing )

Excuse me. I'm lookin' for a guy named Skipper.

I'm a guy named Skipper.

Damion, take that tablecloth off there, will ya?

It's all bloody, it looks terrible!

And I want baby blue spots in all those fixtures!

Now get to it! I'm trying!

Yes? I'm John Bourgignon from the Musician's Union.

Well, you tell those people to take me off that Unfair List!

It's unfair to me, I didn't do a damn thing.

I don't know anything about that.

I'm just a drummer.

Oh, thank God you're here.

Here's the costume. The dressing room is right back there.

Damion, be a dear and get me a cup of coffee.

I'm only one person!

I'm sorry. I can't wear this.

Look at the Gross National Product.

Well, in times of inflation--

We've gotta go back to the Gold Standard.

( Lowers voice ) How ya doin'?

Hi, how are ya?

Yo.

Yeah.

( Excited screaming )

I don't know about this.

I've heard those ladies can get pretty rough.

Come on, it's a job.

They're women-- what can happen?

( Disco music plays )

( Women screaming )

Aaaaah!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

You leave her alone!

Come on, come on!

Will you guys help me out?!

You big bully! You big bully!

Oooh!

He can't do that!

( Siren blares )

JUDGE: Since most of you gentlemen are not strangers to this court,

you know exactly what kind of behavior I will tolerate.

Any breach of courtroom protocol

will receive the maximum penalty.

Am I understood?

Okay, let's get this over with.

We'll start at this end.

Approach the bench and state your case.

( Defendant talking )

What are you doing here?

I set fire to my family.

( Chuckling )

Oh, Jesus,

he set fire to his family.

Oh, my God!

How ya doin'?

I dunno. I don't think I'm doin' too good.

Right. Right.

Listen, you got any 'ludes?

What?

'Ludes.

Shut up. There's a cop.

How about some reefer?

Just relax, will ya?

Toot. Ya got any toot? Shh!

Listen, I'm freaked.

I'm freakin' out, I'm not gonna make it.

Get outta my pocket!

We're all freakin' out here. Just relax, will ya?

Okay. Get some control of yourself!

Think positive. You'll be all right.

All right.

This guy over here,

he just set fire to his entire family, for God's sakes!

Just don't look at him.

You're gonna be fine. Just relax, all right?

Right.

Be positive. I'm right here if you need me.

Easy.

Where did our public defender go?

Right here, Your Honor.

Oh, my God!

Think positive.

You don't even know the case!

I know the law.

Would you like to consult with your client?

I would like a change of venue.

Denied. Proceed.

I request a summary dismissal.

Can you support that motion?

Yes, indeed I can.

There are thousands of criminals

roaming all over the streets just as guilty as my client.

Why pick on him?

What the hell are you saying?!

Motion denied.

Your Honor, I would very much like to have another lawyer,

because this one is not to my satisfaction--

Shh. Shh.

Your Honor, I would like you to disqualify yourself.

On what grounds?

On the grounds that you've got a bad attitude.

A bad attitude?!

Denied! Counselor--

Okay. May we approach the bench, please?

Yes.

Don't blow this.

All right, don't worry.

May we speak off the record here?

The proceedings so far are real depressing.

I wanted to ask you, do you have a toot?

A 'lude? Reefer? Anything? What the--?!

You are out of order! I'm out of order?

You'r out of order!

This whole court is out of order!

Twenty days in the County Jail for contempt!

This is worse than Attica! Attica, that's right!

Attica! Attica! Attica! Attica!

Attica! Attica! Order! Order!

Attica! Attica! Attica!

Order in the court!

I mean, I'm cool.

I mean, I'm outta here.

Yeah.

You see, I, Muhammed Jerome Willy,

have a plan.

Yeah.

See, Muhammed ain't goin' to the joint.

No.

I'm a three-time loser, man.

I mean, I'm gonna do some time for this one.

And I don't feel like dyin' in jail.

Hmm.

You with me?

What?

Are you with me?

What do you mean?

We outta here. You with me?

Oh, no.

You gotta be crazy. I'm not goin' with you.

You go yourself.

You're a murderer, I'm just a--

I didn't mean that. I didn't mean--

Ohh!

I make my move, you best keep up. You dig?

I dig very much, sir.

No, wait! I changed my mind!

Please! I don't wanna go with you!

I can't! I'll never keep up!

( Sirens blare )

Let's go.

Oh, no. No. no...

Aaah!

( Dogs barking )

( Sirens continue )

WOMAN: Who is it?

It's me, baby. Open up.

Muhammed, what are you doing here?

What do you mean, what am I doing here?

I'm here to see you. You look good, baby.

How about a little sugar? Never mind the sugar.

I don't have any time. I'm running late.

Do you think I could borrow a hacksaw?

Who's the surfer?

I just want to cut this off, and I'm gone.

Later. Sit down. Ohhh!

Baby, you look good.

What are you doing in handcuffs?!

I got busted. It's a long story.

That's it. Get out of my house.

I'm not harboring escaped criminals.

Do you have an acetylene torch I could borrow?

Sit down!

Listen to how the woman talks to the man that pays the rent.

In your dreams.

You never paid my rent in your life!

Well, look, I was gone.

I just never got around to it.

It looks good, baby.

Hey--what's this?

Nothing.

It looks like a suitcase to me!

You don't want to know. Don't get involved.

Hey, baby. Baby.

Now, where my baby goin'?

I got a date.

See? It's just a date.

A date? Looks more serious than a date!

Looks more like an overnight trip!

Who you been seein' behind my back?

Look, it's probably just a pajama party.

A bunch of girl get together,

they play some records, they have some popcorn.

Francine, get out here, now!

I'll come out when I feel like it!

Be gentle with the woman.

Women like when you're gentle.

I'm gentle, it worked for me all the time.

I'm tellin' ya, it--it--

I'll just shut the fuck right up.

I don't belong to you. I don't belong to anyone.

And I advise you to get out of here

before heÀgets here.

Oh, lady, please reconsider.

You could help us, you know. Before who gets here?

Before he gets here.

Look, I want him to get here.

Matter of fact, I'm in the mood for a fight.

I'm not afraid of him, you, you, nobody.

And no woman talks to Muhammed Jerome Willy the way you been doin',

and especially not in front of company!

I'm not impressed with your company! Now get out of here!

No woman, nobody tells me to get out!

I'm tellin' ya to get out!

I wish I could take that back,

I didn't mean to say it.

I'm sorry I yelled.

What I wanted to say was just...

that maybe we could all sit down like adults

and just talk.

I'm very sorry. I'm sorry for yelling.

Fine.

Let's sit down like adults.

Let's just sit down. Fine.

Ah.

You're nothin' but a goddamn lazy no-good fool!

And you're nothin' but a two-timin' bitch!

You're nothin' but trouble. I hope they hang your ass!

Good, 'cause that's just what they're gonna do!

Doesn't that feel better now?

Huh?

Let's get out of here. Come on.

We break out, runnin' and hidin' from the police,

come all the way over here to see you...

Only reason we came over anyway was to say goodbye.

That's why you came over? To say goodbye?

You mean in the midst of all that trouble

you came over to see me?

That's right.

But that's okay because I'm ready to face the heat.

I know the police are out there with their machine guns

and helicopters, and we gonna get blown away.

But that's all right too, 'cause we ready to die.

No we're not.

But at least I got a chance to behold my baby's face

one last time.

Oh...

Listen to this here.

Muhammed, don't go.

Say "please."

Please.

Please.

Oh, baby, I love the way you say "please."

That was a great "please."

You're so good to Muhammed.

Oh...

did my big Muhammed miss me?

Oh, baby, Muhammed missed you.

How much did he miss me?

I missed the smell of your hair,

the taste of your neck...

Don't waste it.

Ohh!

Oh, no. Hey, man, you got to go. ÀWhy?

Now. Ah, don't.

Out. Bye. Ah, come on.

Thank you.

Let's jump to it, baby.

About how long?

Not long, man-- get outta here!

MUHAMMED: Oh, baby. Oh, baby!

Unh! Unh!

Yes! Unh!

FRANCINE: Oh, it's been so long...

( Both moaning )

( Banging against door )

FRANCINE: Oh, Muhammed, you thrill me!

More! More! More! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

You're so good, you're so good....

Oh, baby...

( Panting )

Can I give you a hand there? Would ya?

Just hold this while I open the door.

( Muhammed and Francine moaning and yelling )

Thanks.

Yeah, sure.

Push! Push! Push! Push! Push! Push!

Push! Push!

Baby!!!!!!! Aaaaaaahhhh!

Oh, you're the king! You're the king!

Ohh! Ohh!

Muhammed?

Muhammed?

Aaaaaah! Oh, my God! What's wrong?

He's dead! ÀWhat?

He's dead! Oh, my God, he's dead!

He's what?

Dead! Aaaaah!!!!

Chick. Yeah, it's me, John.

I'm in a little bit of trouble here.

I wonder if you could come down here real quickly.

Yeah, I'm at, uh...

Okay, boys, last call.

I'll have another draft, please.

And, uh, another screwdriver for my friend.

What's the matter with your friend?

Ah, just-- just still meditating.

He looks drunk as a skunk to me.

Yeah.

I just hope rigor mortis doesn't set in.

Whoa! Hey!

Muhammed Jerome Willy!

My man, look out!

What's happenin', blood? Huh?

Hey, man, it's me, Wallace Jefferson,

you remember me.

Draft beer for you

and a screwdriver for Mr. Personality.

Hey, man,

you remember Maurice Walker, the car thief?

Ha ha ha! He's dead!

Yeah, his old lady threw him down an elevator shaft.

Musta happened three, four years ago...

Chick! Where in the hell were you?! What's up?

( Continues talking )

This guy next to me is dead. He's what?!

He's dead! Who's the other guy?

I don't know. Did you bring it? Yeah.

Just cut-- cut this off.

So how you been, Muhammed?

You was always the-- This cat's always the life of party.

Really? Funny you say that.

Oh, yeah. You can always depend on Muhammed.

This is my main man. You in good company, Jack.

Ha ha! We were just talkin' about ya.

You have mellowed out a lot, man.

That's good, brother, that's good.

Same thing with me, too.

Are you still with Francine? Huh?

I been meanin' to talk to you about that.

That's a heckuva woman you got there.

Personally, I never thought you had the energy for her.

But I can see you done mellowed out now.

You're cool, and that's good, brother,

because we get older, we gotta start thinking about our future, man.

You know?

What you lookin' at, bro?

I'll tell you all about it later.

I just want to get out of here.

I feel kind of funny

just leaving him sit there like that.

Well, at least he's with his friend.

By the way, Nancy set up a meeting

between Ed Reese and Sal for tomorrow.

I can't make it, I'm exhausted.

You gotta cover for me.

Awright, get some rest. I'll cover for you.

Pal, I owe you for this.

SAL: N ice tits, huh, Congressman?

I'm sorry, I meant to say breasts.

That was very crass, I'm sorry.

NANCY: Y our wife was a very beautiful woman,

Mr. DiPasquale.

Yes, she was, Nancy.

She certainly was.

See, she--

She wanted to be an actress.

I was a very important film director at that time--

a very important, prominent movie director--

and she was using me to get to the top.

And that...

that hurt me very, very deeply.

Let's get this thing started, shall we?

I have other things on my agenda this evening.

I'm sure you do, Congressman.

I mean, what with runnin' for president and all.

Please have a seat. Nancy?

Aprs vous, as they say in Paris.

I'll get some champagne,

because...

...I wanna propose a toast.

Oh, thank you. Okay.

To a very successful campaign...

and an equally successful marriage.

That's warm!

I just picked it up,

I didn't have a chance to chill it.

It's not bad. I think it's French.

I hope you understand, Mr. DiPasquale,

I like the idea of capturing my daughter's wedding on film.

I think the American public would enjoy seeing

the daughter of a prominent politician

marry an ordinary, hard-working American boy.

But I'm not at all acquainted with your work,

and on first impression,

I'm not at all impressed by your lifestyle

or your character.

Hmm.

NANCY: Why don't we just take a look

at Mr. DiPasquale's film, Daddy?

That's a wonderful idea, Congressman.

Why don't we look at the film?

Chick?

Huh? Oh.

'Cause I think my work speaks for itself.

Get the lights while you're back there, Chick.

*

Kee-yah!

Kung Fu U.!!!

This was a very difficult film to put together.

Hey, young fella. Listen--

Why don't you try out some of our other facilities?

We've got a lot of facilities here,

like, well, the Athletic Department.

And there's a wonderful library. Yes, I know.

Why don't you check them out when you get a chance?

I'll do that. Now just beat it.

Thank you very much. See you tonight.

So the Korean said, "Lice? I thought you meant rice!"

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Ohh! Oh, that's funny.

( clatter )

Hey, you, freshman! Go get me some food!

Snap to it!

Chou.

That scene there was critically acclaimed

in papers across this country.

The reviewers ate it up.

We must teach them a lesson.

Seduce her!

Can't you read the sign? No seducing in the cafeteria!

A-ha ha ha ha ha!

Now you'll pay the piper!

( Kung fu screams )

Me-me-me-me-me-me!

It was very big in France.

Okay...

All rightie...

Now I gotcha!

And up! And together!

And one and two and one and--

Take that!

There you go! Goin' south!

All right, you--

You wanna play rough, huh?

Take that! And that! And that!

Okay! Hunh! Hunh! Hunh!

REESE: I've seen enough.

I thought that's all it would take.

Nancy, honey,

will you wait for me down in the limousine?

Let me talk a little business to Mr. DiPasquale.

That's a good idea, Congressman.

I won't be long, baby.

Take him with you, will ya?

Nice meetin' you, Nancy.

Chick, go on.

So, uh, Congressman, where should we start here?

I have some marvelous ideas about the procession itself,

but if you wanna talk money,

then maybe we should talk budget.

I wouldn't give you a wooden nickel

to film my daughter's wedding.

I think this whole wedding idea

is a very bum idea.

I--I'm sorry to hear ya say that, Congressman.

I didn't really wanna have to do this,

but, you know, I gotta--

Have you ever heard of the Del Marino Motel?

What are you talking about?

Well, it might be coincidental,

but I got a property...

...and, uh, it seems to have your name on it.

Unless, of course, there's a different Ed Reese.

I thought you might wanna take a look at it.

( Dogs barking )

CHICK: Calling Limo One.

This is Dispatch. Come in, Limo One.

JOHN: Yeah, this is Limo One. We only got one limo.

Whaddya want, Chick?

Don't forget to get over to the aerobics clinic tonight.

That lady asked for you specifically.

Yeah, all right.

I'm gonna go to Mom's and grab a burger.

Haven't been there in years.

I've had a craving for burgers all day.

A nice, quiet meal at Mom's.

( Clank )

Ohh! Ha ha!

What are you doing to my head, sir?

I will pay for this,

I will pay for any inconvenience or damage done to you.

( Rock music blares )

( Music stops )

What happened to the music?!

Music! Come on!

I don't like purple-headed faggots jumpin' up and down.

Hey, why don't you just leave us alone?

What are you supposed to be, a rooster or somethin'?

Gentlemen, please! Ladies!

Come on!

Have we forgotten our own youth?

You don't remember the '60s?

How rebellious our music was?

Have you forgotten acid rock?

Jimi Hendrix! Woodstock!

And as far as the hair goes,

didn't our own long hair turn a few heads?

Really. Y'know, we should appreciate

another generation's cultural movement!

( Spits ) Fuck you, hippie!

Fuck you, hippie?

Fuck you, hippie...

You know, I would accept that from anyone else but you,

you fucking rooster-head.

( Spits )

Ohh.

I expect that from you...

but you owe me an apology!

He's right.

CROWD: "S"...

"O"...

"R"...

"R"...

"Y."

S-o-r-r-y. "Sorry.

"Period.

The end."

Huh-huh-huh-huh....

You know what?

We've got a failure to communicate.

That's what it is.

Now, I could stay here all day long,

and I could take each one of you on, one at a time.

But I'm not going to.

I'm going to leave you with one thought...

..this simple message.

I still believe in it, because this is right.

I love all of you...

my brothers and sisters.

Peace.

I'm leaving.

Peace.

Hey, bowling ball.

( Starts car )

* TAPE: Higher, higher,

lift and reach, reach,

reach for you and reach for me,

reach for money and success,

and reach!

( Cash resister sound effect )

Reach...

good. Here comes our boy.

Set everything up.

This could prove to be very interesting.

John: Excuse me--

Excuse me, sorry to bother ya.

Limousine time!

( chuckles )

Take 'em more often.

Hi. Excuse me. Did you order--

Ooh. I'm, uh...

limousine, uh...

i'll wait here.

I'll just wait here.

Limousine! Ah!

Ha! Sorry.

I got the limousine right out front.

I'm a little early, i'm very sorry.

Whenever you're ready, right out front.

Come in for a second.

Come in?

This is our driver.

Hi. John bourgignon.

Bruno. Hi. Pleased to meet ya.

I'm clarence.

Clarence. How are ya? Nice to meet you.

So, where we goin' this evening?

Where are we going this evening?

Where? We're going out.

We'll tell you on the way there.

How about a drink, john?

Not for me, thanks. I'm driving.

We insist. Just one drink before we start our evening.

I really can't. It's company policy.

Oh, please, john, you must have one.

I can't break that company policy.

Go ahead, break it.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Bad luck if you don't all clink.

Ah.

We'll have ours later. I see.

Does it come in that bottle?

I'd like to get the name of that.

I'm havin' a little party later on.

How are you feeling?

Me? I--

I don't feel very good.

Why don't you sit down, john?

Thank you, I will.

I kinda gulped it a little fast there.

I shouldn't do that.

I've done that since I was a kid,

i have this bad habit.

Ohh...

ohh.

Just relax, john.

All right.

Look at the girls lovely, long-Limbed bodies.

John, someone wants to take the bodies away.

No! You gotta be kidding! Those bodies?

Not a chance.

He is in our power.

Show me something.

Is this a dream, john?

I don't know.

I am the only one on this planet,

the only one in the universe.

I am your world, john.

Okay, i'll buy that.

You'd do anything for me, wouldn't you?

Yeah, sure.

Even kill your future father-In-Law.

Okay. Why not?

Bark like a dog.

Arf! Arf!

Thank you, john, that won't be necessary.

Very good dog, though. Continue.

Tomorrow you'll be going to your wedding rehearsal.

At a certain point

someone will come up to you

with a playing card.

That card will be the five of spades.

John, do you see this man?

Yes.

This man wants to take away the bodies.

When you see this card,

you will kill this man.

Grrr...

arf! Arf!

Arf! Arf! Heel. Heel!

See what you did? Idiot!

Arf! Arf! Sit! Sit!

Mambo! Yeah!

Sun yi: What's this?!

That's not a killer, that's a schmuck!

Angela: Something has gone wrong.

The hypnosis has magnified his most juvenile traits.

Well, is he gonna kill reese or not?

We won't know until he sees the five of spades again.

( church bell ringing )

That irresponsible bastard. I'm gonna kill him!

Please, mr. Reese. This is a house of worship.

Oh, for god's sake. Where is he?

What's the real story, you little weasel?

I'm sure he had a late fare.

You don't realize how hard he's been working.

There he is now! Hi, sweetheart.

Where have you been? I overslept.

Now, let me get this straight.

Patty shows him the five of spades.

And he either turns into a killer or a schmuck.

Why don't we all assume our positions?

Has anyone seen patty?

I'll go find her.

Thanks, john.

Patty, what are you doing here? Come on.

John, would you sit down?

They're waitin' out there.

Sit down!

Ohh! What is it?

I have something that I have to show you.

It's very important that you see this.

It's a matter of life and death.

What is it?

MINISTER: Okay,

we'll start off with "Dearly beloved" and all that,

then we'll move straight into the personal vows

that Nancy and John have written for themselves.

Would you care to read those so I'll know what to expect?

"I, Nancy,

"take thee, John,

"in soul and body, Hmm...

"and offer all my love to thee

as our separate lives merge into one."

Lovely.

Wait, I'm not quite done yet.

"With this ring,

"a circle of our precious love,

I thee wed."

Is that it?

Yes. And then John says his vows.

John?

Huaaaah! Let's consummate the marriage now!

Dive! Dive! Bbbbrrh! Bbbbrrh!

Yeah! It's hickey time!

He's acting like a schmuck! He's not gonna kill anybody.

No, he's not. He'll have to be reprogrammed.

What's he gonna do?

There's no telling what he'll do.

Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

A little decorum, please!

Did you say decorum?

Did you say decorum?

That big word coming out of this little cute mouth--

Say "decorum" again.

Decorum! Decorum!

I'm gonna put you up on the mantel.

You sit right there. I wanna talk to everybody.

Mom, Dad, Grandma,

Patty, Nancy--I'd like to talk about my dick!

John, what are you doing?

It's about this wide. ( Gasps )

I'm gonna kill him! Who's "Dick"?!

JOHN: Like I keep tellin' ya, I don't know.

I draw a blank. I can't remember anything.

What did I say to that minister?

You looked him right in the eye and said, "She's sexy."

Oh, my God, I'm gonna kill myself.

Now, look, this psychiatrist we're going to is great.

In fact, he's the one that cured Sal.

I gonna kill myself.

Looks like a mushroom.

MAN: You must have some fear.

that's unspoken.

You must have some dream, a recurrent nightmare...

What haunts you?

A dream--

I got a dream that comes almost every night or...

every other night.

All right, tell me about that.

Well, I don't know, it's a little embarrassing.

Y'know, it's one of those dreams

you don't want to talk about.

You can trust me, I'm a professional.

Yeah...

Come on.

All right, what the hell.

Well, I...

It always starts on this desert island,

and there's this beautiful girl there...

I must admit, I am kinda sexy in this dream.

Did you ever see that mov The Blue Lagoon?

Well, it's kinda like that, I guess.

I'm on this island with this beautiful girl.

I don't know how she got there,

but you can do whatever you want in a dream, right?

I really, I think, turn her on a lot.

But I'm not into that, y'know?

No--she wants games, all the time.

She keeps on eating fruit in front of me

to show me that she's horny.

Now, this drives me crazy.

But no--ha ha!-- I don't bite.

We meet at our palace--

this palace that I built on the beach.

And I know that this is the night--

that it's got to be the big confrontation.

She wants it...

She's like a nymphomaniac in heat, if that's possible.

That's the way she is.

I can't do it-- I just can't do it with her.

No matter how much I want to, I can't--

I gotta say no to he, and it drives her crazy.

She's begging me, she keeps begging me.

But I won't allow it.

She keeps pounding on the door, driving me crazy.

It's like a bad nightmare!

At this point I want to wake up and I just can't!

"More! More! More!" she screams...

More, I need you. I want you"

But I can't so I go off to be alone with my thoughts.

I'm alone, I'm alone, I'm alone,

I'm alone, alone, alone...

( Continues )

Then I look up, and I'm not alone anymore

and it's like the cast and crew of The Love Boat

all lookin' down, laughin' at me!

They're pointing and laughing,

and I'm standing there alone, just...

holding that one little thought in my hand.

Aaah, I'm so embarrassed, but I smile,

and I can't do anything!

And they're still laughing! Oh, it's disgusting!

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

Oh, that's funny! Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha! What's his problem?

Oh, that's great. Thanks a lot.

Thank you.

Thank you very much. That's wonderful.

What do you make of that, Doctor?

Well, if you want my professional opinion,

I think someone has altered his mind.

Altered his mind? Why do you think that?

Well, his fear fantasy is too vivid.

I don't trust that.

See, I think you've been put under

some sort of post-hypnotic suggestion.

Like, you know, the Amazing Kreskin?

No, it's not as simple as just memorizing

a few names from the Tonight Show audience.

I think your friend

has been put under an actual spell.

There's only one way to cure that.

What's that?

To drop him on his head. Drop me on my--

Aaaaah!!!

I'm gonna drop you!

Doc, what are you doing?

This is scare therapy. It's like curing the hiccups.

You see that Pinto? That's my target.

Is this gonna work?

I don't know, but I bet the spell is gone.

So how do you feel-- nice and refreshed?

I feel all right. Good, good.

Now, you talked to her-- what did she say?

Yeah. I talked to her while you were in the shower.

She said she was willing to meet you here at the restaurant.

That's it? What else?

Look, you're lucky you got that much out of her.

Now, what are you gonna say to her?

I'm gonna take your advice.

I'm gonna sit her down, look her right in the eyes,

and lie my ass off.

Always works, Johnny.

There she is.

All right, let's go.

No, she looks pissed. I'm gonna have a drink.

Me, too. I'll have--

Get over there!

Why, Nance!

( Chuckling )

Mind if I sit here?

Thank you.

So...

so...

I have never been so embarrassed in my entire life.

Well, why don't we leave? We don't have to stay here.

You don't like it? I don't like it, either.

I don't even know why I'm bothering

to stay here and talk to you.

Hey, gimme a break, will ya? Let me explain.

Give me a chance.

Five minutes, that's all I want.

All right? Um-hmm.

Okay.

You see...

I--I think I've really--

I don't have any control over myself anymore.

Ho! You can say that again!

My father wants to kill you, John.

Sure. You're frightening!

I don't even know who you are anymore.

Neither do I. Neither do I, Nancy,

and that's why I went to a psychiatrist.

You did?

I didn't want to tell you,

but yes, I went to a psychiatrist.

What did he say?

What did he-- he said that...

I'm, uh...

I developed a brain virus.

You mean, you're sick?

Crazy kind of sick, or...?

It's more along the lines of a 24-hour brain virus,

something that can affect your brain.

Much the same--

much like diarrhea of the brain,

in that the gray matter kind of runs a little bit

and mixes with the other.

It's just a passing thing

that he said that if I got a lot rest

and took a lot of vitamin C--

which I thought strange, but vitamin C is very good--

and the love of a good woman-- and those were his exact words.

I know it sounds like a John Wayne movie, but that's--

the love of a good woman.

What do we do now?

Well, I guess we could get married, but I--

would like to, but I know you wouldn't want to do it.

Who says I wouldn't want to do it?

Oh, come on, don't-- let's just drop it.

Don't grovel.

Well, I gave it a shot, I gave it a very good shot.

It worked. Where did I get you?

The virus? I was reachin'. Thank you.

Oh, yeah, I'm in love!

Ooh-la-la-la-la-la-la!

Ooh, you have a very nice ass!

Ha ha ha ha ha! I'm gonna bite it!

John, what are you doing?!

Don't do this to me, John.

I'm not gonna do this to you.

You relax me, baby.

You soothe my soul, my savage soul.

What we have between us is special.

It's magic... it's big magic.

It's showtime! Yeah!

All right, showtime, ladies and gentlemen!

Don't!

Did you think I was gonna do that?

Ha ha ha ha!

Let's mambo!

* Dun-dun-dun, dun-dun-dun-dun-dun *

( Singing and yelling )

John! Are you all right?

I'm fine. Take a bow!

Oooh! Ha ha ha ha!

Yeah, I'm an ass, and I'm lovin' it!

* Brazil...

Hey, let's mambo! Thank you very much.

Okay, fellas, take five.

Can we have a little light here, please?

Thank you very much.

Oh, that feels nice.

Doesn't that feel nice?

It's incredible what light will do to ya,

it just changes the whole mood.

I feel like singin'... I feel like singin'.

I hope you folks don't mind.

This next song is dedicated...

well, to you, honey, my fiance.

She's wonderful.

This is her right here. The one with the blue eyes

and the soft blond hair.

A wonderful lady.

The greatest lady in bed you'll ever wanna meet.

She's amazing, I mean...

I mean this.

The things that she could do with her mouth--

Whoo.

It's just--It's incredible.

She knows so many sexual positions,

I'm dumbfounded half the time, and I mean that, honey.

I really do. You're incredible.

The best lay I ever had.

I would put her up against anybody in this room right now.

She'll wear you down. She'll wear you right down.

She just grinds-- grinds you to death.

I mean--ooh.

You know, all day. I'ts all day with her.

She's non-stop. She can't get enough,

and I respect that,

and I love you.

And this song goes out to you, honey.

It's entitled...

Me and My Dick.

To help me out, 'cause this is a special song.

I'm gonna sing with my doll, from my heart...

for you, honey.

I love you. I mean that.

Drum roll, please. ( Drumm roll )

I'm trying to understand, John.

I guess it's like what Dr. Ted said.

Somebody must have put me in a spell,

and I've been walkin' around in this voodoo-like trance.

You were definitely in a trance at that wedding rehearsal.

I know. I don't normally act that way.

I thank you guys for stickin' with me.

Hey, anything to get the old Johnny back, huh?

I'm gonna get the limo. I'll meet you on the corner.

You know, I love you, Nance.

I know you do.

Everything's gonna be okay.

( Starts car )

ANGELA: I want you to open your eyes, John.

This hypnotism isn't gonna work.

All it does is make him act like a jerk.

He's not gonna kill anyone.

Yes, it will work.

His respect for the institution of fatherhood was too strong,

it caused a mental block.

Once we destroy that respect,

he'll be exactly what we want him to be.

SUN YI: Who's that imbecile out there? That's his friend.

Make him one with the ocean.

Let him sleep with the fishes.

You know, John,

a lot of bad people are out there trying to get you.

Really?

That's why we had to bring you here.

We wanted to make sure you'd be safe.

That's very kind of you.

One of those bad people is your future father-in-law.

I'm looking for John, I wonder if you saw him.

He's about this tall,

light-colored hair,

round...face,

kinda good-natured, good-natured guy,

kinda ( Goofy laugh )... laughs like that.

I think he was with a couple of gentlemen--

Let's go! And no trouble!

Fathers are the root of it all, John.

I have a great respect for the institution of fatherhood.

Do you see?

Fathers are bad, John,

and they must be stopped at all costs.

Think of all the damage they've done.

You know, John,

throughout history,

it was the father

who was the cause of a the trouble.

Hi, honey, I'm home!

Hello, dear.

Ha ha ha! Where's Princess?

There she is!

Hi, Dad! Hi, Princess!

Ha ha ha!

And where's my Kitten? She's upstairs.

Hi, Daddy! Hi, Kitten!

Why don't you just slide down the banister?

You know Daddy will always be here to catch you.

Here I come! Wheeeee!

Another cup, dear?

No! This coffee sucks!

Maybe it's the caffeine that makes you so irritable.

I'm not irritable, goddammit!

I'm an insurance salesman--

insurance salesmen never get irritable, Margaret!

Anything you say, dear.

Hee hee hee!

Where's Bud, that gearhead son of mine?

You locked him in the shed for a week.

Don't you remember, dear?

Ho ho! Oh, yeah.

Hi, Father! Hi, Princess.

Father, a very nice young man asked me

to the ROTC ball next Friday.

Can I go?

No.

But why not? He's perfectly acceptable.

And a lot of my friends are going.

I said no.

Friday is Punishment Night, Princess.

Father, I really want to go.

Maybe you'd like to talk about this in the den.

Please, Father--

Let's talk about it. Let's have a little chat.

No! No!!! Come on, Princess!

Margaret, you're next!

Hi, Mrs. Anderson. Hi, Mr. Anderson.

Do you think I could hide out here for a while?

Beaver, what's wrong? You're covered with blood!

Yeah, I know. It's Wally's blood.

See, Wally and I were fixin' his bike in the driveway,

and Dad came home and got real mad.

So he took a gun out and killed Wally--

blew his head clean off his shoulders.

His face is all over the garage door-- it's a real mess.

FATHER: Well, maybe your dad knows what he's doing.

I don't think so. I think he flipped out.

Margaret, call up Ward-- tell him Beaver's here.

Don't do that, Mr. Anderson.

Please, Mrs. Anderson, don't do that.

I think it's time you had your punishment, Beaver!

No, Mr. Anderson, no!

No! No! No!

No! No! No!

No! Don't do that to the Beaver!

You can't do it to Beaver!

I hate you, Ward! I hate Jim Anderson!

I hate Ed Reese!

Good, John.

Now, when you hear the minister say,

"With this ring, I thee wed,"

you will take out your gun,

point it at Ed Reese,

and squeeze the trigger.

( Church bell ringing )

Hey, hey, hey! It's the father of the bride.

So nice to see you again, Congressman.

Couldn't have asked for nicer weather, huh?

Listen, we both know why you're here,

you low-life, scumbag, son-of-a-bitch.

Jim! Good to see you.

Just don't press your luck.

Don't ever try to talk to me again, ya hear?

Oh, ho! Hey! Ha ha!

That's wonderful, that's great!

What a thing. Marvelous sense of humor.

Nice and low.

Bobby, let's get the majesty of this damn thing.

Yeah, just kind of pan around.

Just move! Move!

What are you lookin' at?!

I'm not here, just do your thing! It's a wedding.

Friends of the bride on this side,

friends of the groom on this side.

Groom.

Don't look at me! Just keep walking.

Can we get the black guy?

Can you get in here,

'cause that's very important for the congressman,

we need some black people in this. That's nice.

Hi. So far, so good, huh?

Hold your tongue. The hardest part is still to come.

Where is the leader?

He's around--somewhere.

Watching like a cat on the prowl,

stalking his prey, making every movement count.

Shouldn't we go? Yes.

Keep moving.

I was a little hungry.

It's good. It's a good thing to be hungry.

It's allowed.

I saw Patty.

You did a good job with her, she looks very fine.

I hope the spell lasts.

It's been known to wear off under pressure.

Negative thoughts... no negative thoughts.

Circulate.

SAL: That's good, just--just...

That's good.

This is--that's good.

No problem, keep movin'. This is a low angle,

that's all right, makin' a fillum.

This is beautiful

That's it, just keep walkin' up,

that's fine, that's good.

Makin' magic down here. Looks fabulous.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today--

Action!!!

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...

In a matter of moments, a union will take place

within these hallowed walls.

A union between a man and a woman--

who just happens to be the daughter of a guy

that could be the next President of the United States.

I'm Sal DiPasquale,

and this is my fillum--

John and Nancy...

The Wedding.

Okay, Bobby, you can zoom in now.

That was great, Mr. Dip--

Get outta the way!!!

And now, John, your vows.

John?

Well, I guess Nancy's vows

will suffice for both of you.

And now we'll continue with the ceremony.

If anyone here knows of any reason

why this couple should not be bound in holy matrimony,

let him speak now or forever hold his peace.

( Shopping cart wheels squeaking )

Do you, Nancy, Wilhelmina Reese...

( Squeaking continues )

Do you, Nancy Wilhelmina Reese,

take this man, John Franklin Bourgignon,

to be your lawful wedded husband,

to have and to hold, in sickness and in health,

from this day forward?

I do.

Do you, John Franklin Bourgignon,

take this woman, Nancy Wilhelmina Reese,

to be your lawful wedded wife,

to have and to hold, in sickness and in health,

from this day forward?

Yeah.

With this ring

I thee wed.

Aaaah!!!

Chick, it's all right, I know what I'm doin'!

Sal, stop those guys!

Block the aisles!

ANGELA: Get out of the way!

We're in a church!

Chick, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine. How about you?

I'm not hypnotized. They wanted me to kill Ed Reese!

Yeah, I know. Look, what happened?

Ah, they made me watch some phony Father Knows Best film.

I know TV--Jim Anderson would never choke the Beaver.

Johnny! Are you all right, Nance?

You just saved Daddy's life!

Will somebody please tell me what's going on?

Daddy, Johnny just saved your life!

Well, you know... Dad, you owe me one.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, my God.

Well, was I right, or was I right?

I told you this was gonna be an incredible story,

and it was.

Can you believe the way things work out?

Sal and Ed Reese are partners!

( Muttering in disbelief )

All right, it's a hot day out here.

Let's get it right the first time, awright?

Ready? One, two, three, four!

* Bom-ba-ba-bom, ba-bom-ba-bom-bom *

* Bom-ba-ba-bom, ba-dang-ga-dang-dang *

* Ga-ding-a-dong-ding

* Blue moon, moon, blue moon *

* Do-do-do-do-do Loosen up!

* Blue moon, moon, blue moon * Smile!

* Blue moon, moon, blue moon *

* Dit-da-da-da-dit

* Bom-ba-ba-bom, ba-bom-ba-bom-bom *

* Bom-ba-ba-bom, ba-dang-ga-dang-dang *

* Ga-ding-a-dong-ding

* Blue moon * Blue moon, moon, blue moon

* You saw me standing alone * Good!

* Without a dream in my heart *

* Without a love of my own *

* Bom-ba-ba-bom, ba-bom-ba-bom-bom *

* Bom-ba-ba-bom, ba-dang-ga-dang-dang * Just go with it!

* Ga-ding-a-dong-ding

* Blue moon, moon, blue moon * * Oh

* Blue moon, moon, blue moon * * Oh

I tell you one thing, I'm happy to have you here.

Hey, man, you know,

you oughta try some skin softener or somethin'.

That stuff look real hard,

you oughta take care of it.

One thing I wanna talk to you about, though.

* Blue moon Now that the noodle factory is a success,

and after all, I am the Pasta King,

I think we oughta try to diversify.

What I think we oughta do

is get into animal noodles.

We oughta make little dog noodles

and little cat noodles,

little lion and little tiger noodles,

elephant noodles-- the kids'll love it!

And that's my plan, ya see?

I'll get all the kids goin' in the supermarkets,

and they'll be buyin' Wallissimo Jeffersoni Noodles,

and we will make a fortune!

Which reminds me-- guess who I saw on 33rd and 3rd the other day?

Leffkowitz! You remember Leffkowitz.

He a lawyer now.

Did it at home, too-- correspondence course.

That boy was always smart.

He handles all my affairs now, takes care of me legally.

Matter of fact,

I might say that Leffkowitz is directly responsible

for the condition I'm in today.

Two weeks ago we did my will, I got it right here,

he told me to keep it with me at all times,

y'know, like, just in case.

Here, lemme read this to ya.

See, it says right here,

"I, Wallace A. Jefferson, bein' of sound mind,

spent all my money."

Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ain't that too much?

Wait'll I tell ya what he said-- "That's wonderful."

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Hey, another thing I wanted to talk to you about,

is about my new idea.

I call it "Raiders of the Burning Bush."

You see, all we have to do is find the spot

where the original Burning Bush went down,

and then we sell tickets so people can go see it.

Kinda like the Lost Ark,

that's what they was gonna do with it, see.

But I think more people would wanna see the spot

where the Burning Bush went down.

I know you might think it sounds kinda far-fetched,

I know a lotta people probably been lookin' for it,

but it's hard to find because the bush burned down.

But you and me, Muhammed, I think we can do it,

and I bet we can make a fortune, too.

I know we could make enough to buy me a new convertible

after that dude stole it from the noodle factory.

You hired the cat.

And don't let's us pretend like you didn't hire him,

because when he came and asked for the job,

I turned to you and I said,

"Should we hire him or not?"

and I gave you the nudge and you gave him the nod.

So you did hire the cat.

I never brought this up before, but I'm bringin' it up now.

So either you go in with me

on this Raiders of the Burning Bush,

or I'm gonna have to reconsider our partnership.

The ice is meltin' in your drink.

Look here, I buy you the drinks, you sit there-- you waste 'em.

That's all right, leave it there, I'll drink it myself.

Only trouble is, every time I drink one, then I gotta go again.

You never have to go.

I mean, I have two or three and I'm off to the john.

Used to be a time when I could hold a whole case.

Now I have two or three drinks, Boom! I gotta go.

I guess I must be gettin' older.

Ain't nothin' I can do about it, though, you can't stop time.

I mean, you see Time walkin' down the street,

you say, "Hey, Time, hold it! I wanna rap to you!"

Time ain't gonna stop for you-- Time waits for no man.

Time'll tell ya, "Sorry, I got to march on."