Original subtitles

- Hello? - Is it recording?

Yes It says, "Please, wait"

- Okay - And it's started,

because the red light is on and it's recording

THIS FILM IS THE CONVERSATION I NEVER HAD WITH MY GRANDMOTHERS

THE WOMEN WHO TOLD THEIR STORIES PREFERRED ANONYMITY

Better like this, so they don't recognise me

so I can talk freely

I didn't know I was so shy around this topic

Imagine having sex at this age

Can you imagine?

It would be like the first time I imagine

It's now closed Now, if I find myself an old man,

it would be like putting a marshmallow in a piggy bank

Great Okay, let's freshen you up Here

- How do you feel? - Okay

Hey, guys

This way, please

Silence, please Let's go, guys Everyone, ready to shoot

Come on, please

Let's go

This way, please

Okay, silence, please

Great, ready Sound

Scene one, shot one, take one

- Camera? - Set

Thank you

Action

I'm a normal woman,

full of dreams, of goals

Some fulfilled, others not

This year, I turn 71

They say I don't look it Well

my body knows my age

Being a woman is lovely

I always thank God for not having been born male

Being a woman is beautiful

But

there's also an ugly side to it you're very vulnerable

I spent some of my youth growing up on my dad's farm

In a remote place No electricity, no water

Mum and I washed our clothes in a trough

We bathed at least twice a day in the river

I grew up surrounded by pigs

and chickens

My mother had 300 pigs and 600 chickens

When one of them got injured we'd kill it

and everyone ate pork

The world waswonderful

I thought everyone was good that everyone loved me

But I had to negotiate certain things to be accepted

and that's when the "buts" began

But I was a very innocent very naive girl

And still today, after all these years

at times, I turn into that little girl, you know?

I'm not dependent on anything nor anyone

I wanted to be loved with sweetness and tenderness

I didn't achieve that when I was young

I wanted to be able to enjoy sex like my sisters told me

It sounded so hot

But I couldn't

Another thing I wanted were very big breasts

but Nature had other plans

I didn't suffer for that because they were small, but pretty

They're still pretty

I always lived with my husband

until he passed

He was very horny Too horny, in fact

I've been alone now for about 11, 12 years,

alone in the company of God

That makes you calm down

Unless a crazy man approaches me

and wakes me up again

And I won't call anyone to come and help me

to put out the fire I have inside

A fireman I need a fireman

I can't have coffee

Because coffee keeps me awake

I can only have tea because tea makes me sleepy

In fact, I had tea, and it tasted so sweet

I'd spend all day, I'd spend all day

Having tea, having tea

Loneliness was hard because it meant facing up

to myself, to my shadow

I believe that, if one is alive

one needs sex

But there's no-one around

We were ten when we met

and we fell in love with each other

but neither told the other that they were in love

Mum, the boy next door needs a cup of sugar

- You're Tere's son - Uh-huh

Is half a cup enough?

It was platonic love

and it lasted seven years

I can't have coffee because coffee keeps me awake

I can only have tea

Because tea makes me sleepy

The tea leaves,

Such medicinal herbs

I'd spend all day, I'd spend all day

Having tea, having tea

What a drag that they didn't let us go, right?

Yeah

I remember he gave me a piece of paper

Inside, there was a sweet he'd been sucking

- Hey, cousin - Mm

It smells really good

That was like a test for our love

It was like a distance kiss, a virtual kiss

If he had sucked the sweet, and I had just sucked it,

that was a kiss, an exchange of saliva

- Hey, what's wrong? - Oh, nothing

And I held on to that piece of paper very excitedly

because I liked the boy

No-one will find out

And the note said

if I wanted to go on the Ferris wheel with him

Coming

I said, "Coming" and ran out

And there was the boy, happy and waiting for me

And we got on the Ferris wheel

It was very little, but for us it was huge

And it was, "takatakataka,"

because I didn't know if it was operated manually

The man saw us,

and did us a favour by leaving us at the top

Oh, look, for me it was like

We held on to the other's little finger

and that was

a sign of love

I felt butterflies in my tummy

and heat around my ears, and

When I looked, oh Jesus

There was no way out,

because as the wheel reached the bottom, my mother was there, too

- It was mathematical - Get down from there

The boy, like a proper gentleman, disappeared

Didn't even say goodbye, and he was off

To hit me, she had a self-made whip,

like those used to hit horses

What a whip she had

No, it's not that I feel old

but life starts putting the brakes

on things

Oh, the menopause was difficult for me

The moods,

the intolerance, the discomfort,

the impatience

I didn't feel at all good during the menopause

And my libido went down

Yes, I was ill at ease

And, obviously, when you have less hormones,

old age is near, and you start to notice it

You face up to the reality

that you're now over the hill

I've always told my eldest daughter, Mamita, look, when I die,

you need to be careful, you have to paint my nails, please

"Mamita, look, when I die, you need to be careful"

My hairdresser must be there

And I don't want to be cremated, I want to be whole

And with earrings, please, because if there's an afterlife,

and we meet, you'll pay for this

When you're older

you start preparing the journey towards your funeral

You become kinder when you're older,

because if you stay as you are,

not even flies will come to your funeral

I'd love to die like my grandmother

She sat in a rocking chair in the living room of the old house,

and she told my mum, "I fancy a Coke,"

and Mum was surprised

She was 83

Mum gave her a glass of Coke,

and she drank it

And while Mum went to get her some more,

when she came back, grandma was on the other side, sleeping

Right there, sitting down

That's what I'd like,

if you're allowed to make wishes

Recently, I've been thinking

that

solitude is a bit hard

"Why don't we go out for some coffee?"

"Why don't we go out for some coffee?"

What for? I have coffee here at home

The skin becomes

like an onion

It wrinkles, you get stains, warts

Your features change, your eyes close

And I had big eyes

I'm so old

No, no, it must be the light Of course it's the light

What I'm most afraid of at this age

is that something might happen to me while I'm alone,

and that, for some reason, I can't call anyone,

or I can't locate the people I'm calling,

and I am all alone

It's one of the things I'm scared of

I'm alive,

- and while I'm alive - I'm alive

- I won't be an old lady - and while I'm alive,

I won't be an old lady

No

Once, my nan sent me to work in a house

I was 11

And when I was working, I saw that they took the girls out

And the two remained, and they called me into the bedroom

And they lay down

and they started having sex, and I was watching

And I was nervous

Then, I was sent to wash him

She said, "Wash him properly down there"

And me, with my small hands, I washed him there

I never told anyone

Not my mother, no-one No, I kept that to myself

And then, you keep quiet,

because the aggressor always says

"You can't tell anyone, because no-one will listen"

"They'll tell you you're a bad little girl"

When prayers are said in church,

like the Penitential Act and others,

you have to say,

"Through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault"

You hit your chest

I don't know, afterwards, I was thinking,

what am I guilty of?

There are many kinds of roots, but generally they go underground

Some are hidden

and they extend,

and the root of a tree can move a house or lift a pavement

Guilt is like that

They taught us that we were guilty of so many things

But they never taught us to deal with that guilt

At my age, I see images like in a projector

where I asked for forgiveness

because I was guilty of being beaten

It's the stupidest thing there is, and the most illogical, in today's world

But, in that moment, I said, "Oh, God

"Yes, I did that thing, I did that other

- "Of course, that's why he got mad" - That's why he got mad

But if I go further,

when I was assaulted in other ways, since I was a little girl

and I wanted to report the case

the first thing they said to me was,

"What were you doing to arouse those desires in your cousin,

"or in your uncle?"

"You must have been very flirty"

So, if they touched me, if they sexually assaulted me

"Well, you must have been to blame"

So, "I'm prettier with my mouth shut, I'm better off not talking"

So, you keep it all to yourself

and I said, "Well, no, it was probably my fault,

"I probably wore a very short dress, that must be it"

It must be, it must be

And you start to think things through and to think you're to blame

And, of course, it was my fault

I remember that, for many years,

to avoid receiving dirty compliments,

or worse still, like men touching me and things like that,

I had to avoid showing myself off

Not showing off meant in the way I dressed,

so I had to wear long dresses, all buttoned-up,

turtlenecks, things like that

So, I went around with armour on, towards anyone

who wanted to demonstrate some love

Still, when I remember,

I resent that

why didn't they listen to me?

Why didn't you listen?

Time is like a bubble

Because time is not linear

The fact that memories exist

means that, every now and then, we turn

or we move inside that bubble

Mum, do you like it?

What are you doing with that? I've just ironed it

- Time is like that - Take off those shoes

Personally, what's happening is that

although I don't have that much to do now,

I still don't have enough time

So, I imagine there are elements,

like memories, that start to take up

more of my day,

more of my time

On this walk down memory lane

we can allow ourselves the luxury

to pull out the weeds from the sides

It's ready, tita, let's go

It doesn't mean they won't come back at some point,

but, at least

I feel like we can do it

I have the images of my life,

and I see them with a certain nostalgia,

or with a certain tenderness,

or with understanding

And sometimes, I fall in the trap

of wanting to

manipulate my memories, you know?

- Can I look now? - No

Sometimes, when we focus on a memory

that perhaps wasn't very nice

- Can I look now? - No

and we suddenly develop a pain or discomfort

- Mum, don't cheat - And it's because of that,

because the memory is deep-rooted

and we transfer it to the body

This way? Is it this way?

I've realised that through words,

and by throwing them out

is like throwing out the trash

I've been learning this little by little, you know?

No, thanks I have food here at home

I won't go out with anyone just for food

I love tin boxes

Being able to touch the material

is like pressing a button,

and the recorder begins

and tells you the story

Honey, come and meet him

Hello

Come and see him

He's so tiny

- Hello, my love How are you? - Good

- Oh, he's so cute - Yes, yes

- Careful I'll leave this - Can I hold him?

- Okay - Can I hold him?

Okay, but come and learn how to do it, come and see

Look, here is your sister

I remember when my brother was born,

my mum gave him to me and said, "Hold him," as if he were a gift doll

Look at the clothes I bought you

We'll try them on

Mum did some drawings for me and told me what men were like,

what women were like

Or how babies are made

No, what are you doing? Why are you taking off his clothes?

He'll catch a cold

Only a little, and superficially

And the famous seed that Dad put into Mum,

and I saw Mum like a plant pot

- You can put them on him tomorrow - Please, Mum

Look, so you can learn Hold his head here

and then your hands go here, and carefully

Nan never talked about these topics

She was all about praying

And Adam and Eve and the original sin

If you want, you can help me bathe him tomorrow, so you can learn

Mum, I wanted him to try on some clothes today

You can do it tomorrow, okay? I'll be right back

Mum

When I was a little girl,

I hung around with some older girls

My mum told me to go with them to cross the streets

They were chatting together

I was listening, but I didn't know, and I said, "What's that?"

I was very afraid, and so

Mum, I don't want to hang out with Flor's girls any more

- Why? - No, I don't want to They're bad girls

Why?

Yes, they're very bad because they spill blood,

from where we pee

Go and wash your hands We're going to eat

When my period came, I was very afraid,

because for some strange reason,

I thought it was blue

I honestly thought I was going to die

Silence

Hello, girls

I've come to talk to you about a very special moment

The moment in which you go from being girls to women

and you become young ladies

I remember that, sometimes, my mum,

because we didn't have Kotex,

would take some gauze, and we'd put some cotton wool,

and we'd put it in between our legs

And there was nothing worse when we went out in April

to rehearse for the Juan Santa María parade,

with a very hot, very large uniform

and black tights from the nun's school

and I had to play the drum,

and I couldn't even march

because that wad that I carried in between my legs

was running everywhere

So, I arrived

with a ball of cotton and gauze stuck here on my back

You can use it four or eight hours, depending on the amount

Now, now, girls

Silence Silence

Give me that Give me that note

Ah, we also had to wash cloths in those days Gross

You start to feel like Tarzan's mum, you know?

I never went through major changes, I was always thin

I saw that my friends all had growing breasts

and they were getting yelled dirty things on the street

And you kind of hoped someone said something to you, too

At school, I remember the nuns talking to us

but that was like an anatomy class

It was taboo Sex was taboo

Not just for the nuns, but for our parents, too

Girls

Actually, they never told us what a relationship with a man was like

They just said random things

- And here - which meant

"Be careful with men"

What are you laughing at? Come on What are you?

Silence, silence

There was a lot of fear

that the man would do something to you

Who did you see, who did you see?

- Who were they? - Two boys

Very handsome

I remember that Mum

I was her only daughter, and she

had many expectations about her daughter

But I turned out quite different to what she wanted

I swam, played baseball,

andshe didn't like it

Just like a man, you'll grow muscles

That was her concern

It's been hard to unlearn

what I was taught

with respect to what it means to be a woman

It's been hard to learn

that I'm not a woman, I'm a person

In my heart,

I'm not one gender or another, I have no age,

and I'm what we all are, deep down

Pig

Bring the spoon to serve

In those days, you had to obey your parents,

and there was no way out

- That drawer - Coming

But I did it in total rebellion

I did it with fury, angry

- Bring the tray - Yes, I'm doing it

To have fun the way I wanted

had a very high price, which was guilt

What's for dinner?

Bites and bits for inquisitive kids

So, he can eat? Go, I'll call you when it's ready

"So, he can eat?"

I told you to go, now go

But why me? I always do it Why not my brothers?

Bring me the rice

Many people think that being a woman means to look pretty,

to wear make-up, and that's it

But no For me, being a woman means being

strong,

sweet and passionate

in everything one does

If you have sex,

then you must be the best lover under the sun

Mm

And the same if you're an enemy

Be a strong, powerful enemy

The dream of all the schoolgirls was to get married and have kids

When you get married, make sure your husband likes you

I used to draw my future husband and my future children

in my own way

I thought that if I planned them, they'd come out just like I planned

Would you like some more?

No, my love, thank you Serve me

I wanted my husband to be a worker, a labourer

That's how I saw him

I imagined him going to work and saying goodbye with a kiss

And he'd come back with dirty clothes, and I'd wash them

And the kids were beautiful,

all dressed-up, waiting for their dad

That's where the story ended

- Come on - I didn't follow

with the part where night fell, and you had to go to bed

Listen to your mum Come on

No, wait I haven't even finished eating

I still have some bites left

It's very odd, because

my mum didn't tell me specific things

She bought me a book on sexuality, and it's still here somewhere

She said, "Read this"

It was all taboo

Sex was like a black hole

It didn't exist, but it swallowed you

And now I understand that Mum didn't talk to me about those things,

but rather she was transmitting her fears to me

That, too, please

The whole story around sex is a crime

Careful

We were very repressed,

very repressed

The girl on the right, the lady in the centre

I think even men,

many men were very shy, and, in fact, they didn't

- Come closer, please - they didn't know how to behave

with their girlfriends

- This, too, madame? - Yes, please

When I was younger, I had a lovely body

and a small waist,

and lovely legs

It was beautiful to experiment

with the power of femininity

and with the magnetism to attract

Look, look, look

- What's that? - It's all open

And full of hair

Is yours like that?

See the innocence and the lack of information?

I thought the word "cutis," skin, was like clitoris

I thought the two words were related

For many years, we weren't told

that women could feel desire, attraction

I would say, "Oh, oh" if I felt anything

more than a heartbeat

- Anything else? - because surely I was sinning

Us women aren't able to see a strong, young man,

to talk to him and walk with him,

without a precise goal,

the goal to love him

A woman's true purpose

- is to love - Madame

And that's something men don't always understand, Alberto

Is it true? Is that what you think?

Is that true? Elvira

Don't think that the fact you know my secret

gives you any rights

You always had to hide, go to the movies

At the movies, they turned the lights out, so you could get away with more

Now is when I most need your company

I don't get it

As you become a more interesting man, you forget your friends

So, you discover

passion, but with some fear, too

because you felt many things

The shadows of the bodies

that come together with the shadows of the night

I remember being just about to

to

And, wow, at the movies

The first fantasy I had

was someone watching me while I masturbated

Having someone watch

and desire all the pleasure they see in you

Feeling

the excitement in the body

up to a point of maximum intensity

You feel like you'll explode,

but it keeps intensifying, and you think you can't go any higher

until you reach the climax where

the world disappears

Yes, yes to that

Coffee no, but "guaro," drinks, yes

I'm very punctual

I'll give you 10 minutes,

in case of any mishaps, something that

Here comes the couple

I was very much in love when I married

I thought I would touch the sky with my hands

Photo

When I got married, I had to get Dad to sign my permission

for me to get married

My parents' generation was very strict

I was a virgin when I got married

There wasn't a chance for anything

My first dance, I danced it with the boy I married

My first boyfriend

my first dance

Stop, Mum's watching

- How are you? - Fine

He's had a bit too much to drink

Any woman's Achilles' heel is to be madly in love

Oh, my God

Once, I saw my dad fleetingly,

half-naked, I don't know why

Dad covered himself quickly,

but I fleetingly saw a black thing full of hair

Now there's no more surprise, right?

A naked man is a horrible thing

It must hurt, so much hair in there

That was my idea Imagine what an idiot I was

Neither of the two knew how to do it

"What? This is different"

"That's odd, I didn't feel anything

"Are you sure you did it right, in the right place?"

You didn't do it in the wrong place?

I don't know, I don't think so

- Didn't it feel good? - Oh, no, yes, yes, sure

That, "Yes, sure,"

continued until I was in my mid-30s

I had two kids, and I didn't know what an orgasm was

My husband, very clearly,

on our honeymoon, told me

don't do this, don't do that

I don't like it that way

Here, the one who has the initiative is me

There's a stain here

And I could say

with confidence

that those were the lessons his dad gave him explicitly

So, a married virgin in a situation like this one,

frankly, there was a lot of frustration

Not frustration because I didn't know what it was,

but frustration because I knew what an orgasm was

and I was able to have as many orgasms as I wanted

The frustration was so strong that I was pretty obsessed

with the need for orgasms,

and I gave them to myself

I remember that I could masturbate

and have seven orgasms, and I couldn't stop because

That delight, you know?

And for me, it was a part of my life,

masturbation

Despite being married

I remember sometimes making love,

turning 'round and masturbating next to him

We'd been

married for over two years,

and suddenly, people asked me, "So, what about kids?"

And I didn't feel like I wanted kids

I was three months pregnant when I stopped working,

because my late husband didn't want me to work anymore

I wanted to learn English, and he didn't want me to learn English,

he wanted me to learn how to cook

- Going already? - Yes

When I got pregnant for the first time,

I didn't know what to do, because my period was late, and I said,

"That's odd, I haven't had my period,"

and then my belly started growing

and my breasts grew larger

I felt sick, I had nausea,

I had cravings

I was never taught anything about pregnancy or giving birth

I didn't know what was coming

The doctor said, "What are you doing on the street?

Go upstairs, this baby's head is popping out"

I always thought I was going to have a boy

The old superstitious women did the needle test,

or they saw your belly and said, "That's a boy belly"

I saw the women in the birthing rooms upstairs,

clinging to the sides of the bed and screaming,

and the doctor would get angry at them

And I said, "At what time am I supposed to start screaming?

Leave them open

- What do I do, doctor? - Push hard

Push really hard

Push Harder, harder Harder

And the baby slipped out

And I never, never, never screamed

What is it?

It's a girl

- You don't want it? Because I do - No, no She's mine, she's mine

It's an archaic fact,

and yet, so heroic

In those days, they gave you a prick,

so you walked out of there all funny,

but they brought me home,

and I went out to my neighbours with the baby all wrapped-up,

to show them what I had done, what I had

And my life changed completely

You're not the same as you were

It's a before-and-after, a new life

I remember having had an identity crisis

I was no longer the young woman, I was no longer the wife,

I was no longer anything but a mother with her baby

Which is very satisfying but also very difficult

I felt

insufficient

as a mother

I felt as if I had shrunk, and I felt lost

and as if the ground had opened up beneath my feet

You learn to become a mother,

but then, the kid

teaches you many things about yourself

It's a kind of love that cannot be defined

It's such a deep connection, it's

It's a great responsibility,

because you don't want them to have

the same experiences

Let's go to sleep

You don't know what you'll teach this being

especially if it's a girl

Mum, I want to comb your hair

Because you never graduated in that

- Didn't you have homework? - No

Mm-hm

- Are you sure? - Yes

Come in

Hello

Well then?

Come in, come in

We went

- to have a beer - And how did it go?

It was lovely He took my hand and this and that

Oh, no, what an outrage

Yes, you gave me the perfect address

Then he says, "Can I kiss you?" And I say, "Oh, no, what a drag"

First of all, you're not a kid

Second, what's all this about asking for a kiss?

You give someone a kiss, you don't ask permission

Asking permission to kiss someone

And he kept calling me We went out, we kept going out

And guess what? It's been six years already

The first time I went to the doctor, I said,

"I need to have some tests done"

"I have a boyfriend, we had some drinks, and I slept with him"

"What, at your age?" "Yes, sweetie"

"Take note, so that when you're old like me,

"you do the same and enjoy"

Don't be so bitter

As if I were talking to her about the devil

Doctor, look I need to have tests done

I have a boyfriend, we had some drinks, and I slept with him

Despite

being a bit rusty

in intimate, physical relationships, I'm still perfectly

well-endowed

And I can still feel

a lot, perhaps as much as before

Sometimes, not always But that's okay

And the great thing is that I'm no longer

obsessed about experiencing that which I was denied

Normal intimate experiences, and other practices, too,

like oral sex

I love it

That's really, really good

And then there's foreplay, too

I really enjoy that

Now that I'm old

Because I spent many years not knowing what an orgasm was

Now I know what that is, and it's really good

It's not like rough and ready, multi-orgasmic and everything, no

The woman begins

"I'm not sure because I have love handles, my breasts fell

"I'm so ashamed

"Don't switch the light on, better with the light off"

The first time I took my clothes off, I was so embarrassed

Yes, I was very anxious

It's not that I switch on all the lights,

but yes, there's light

and now you can see what you do, with whom and how you do it

I can't be more explicit because

it would be a porn movie

In general, we meet on Wednesdays

We hang out, we listen to music

It's lovely, because I'm mostly by myself,

so I have a lot of freedom

And I tell him, "Look

"forget about

"being in a relationship

"and live together with me"

The death of any relationship

is marriage

Do you want to lose the charm of a relationship?

Get married

If you're just in a relationship, or lovers,

however you want to call it,

they arrive all dressed-up, with cologne

Their underwear has no skidmarks, their feet don't smell

their mouth doesn't smell

Ah, but if you get married Oh, no

They start snoring like a drill

They sweat, and they don't care

If they need to fart, they'll fart

Go and see if they'll do that when they are just dating

No, they just don't do it

You don't want to be my nurse,

because that's what's coming next,

and I don't want to be your nurse, either

Let's have fun while we can

- Do you have the keys? - I have everything - keys, wallet

Everyone in their own house and God in every house

It's just like when you first met

Exactly the same

Butterflies in my tummy

You get a delicious bath before, because you know what's coming

What a great bath it is

When he talks to me and he starts saying,

"What a great night, last night"

I feel an electric current up and down my body

It's the best moment of my life,

because I have complete freedom

because I have complete freedom

Most people think,

"Oh, no, not at this age, not me

I'm way past that, my energy's gone"

Oh, no, so many bitter old ladies What a drag

I think a woman is always

in full swing

I think that fire

goes out because there are so many, frustrations, humiliations

which are like iced water on the fire

Pour me a drink

You're so pretty

A woman

never

stops feeling alive

Almost there, sweetie

- How was it? - Good

She never stops wanting or needing

hugs and kisses and love, never

The intermediary stage, that of woman, mother,

housewifewas the hardest

- How was it? Tell me - Good, I already told you

Because I was no longer, the innocent little girl, no

Calm down, the baby's right there

I was a bit more aware of the danger

- I'll keep cleaning - I had to be very careful

The baby was crawling,

and she put her little finger in the speaker

He went to hit the baby with a screwdriver,

and he says, "Leave me alone, or I'll hit you"

If you're such a man, hit me

When you go through domestic violence, aggression,

at the beginning you think it's only happening to you,

it's just your story

But then, you realise it's not like that

It's the same story for many

Your husband came by

He was crying a lot

I never saw myself as a divorced woman,

or imagined I could be one

My mother would come and say, "Forgive that poor man"

How are you, sweetie?

I said, "Dad, this and this and this happened"

"Sometimes, you get angry, and you don't know what you're doing"

No, Dad I'm scared he'll do that to the baby

I want to get a divorce, I don't want to be dead

I told you not to marry, I told you he wasn't a good man

You didn't listen

And now

now

bear with it, because this is your cross

"Bear with it, because this is your cross"

I endured 17 years of terror

being raped continuously,

which is something I never understood

I was brought up

without learning the difference, or knowing

that you could be raped even by your husband

Later, I realised I broke the record

because it was all about what he wanted,

where he wanted, how he wanted, when he wanted

and then, he had no limits,

he just slept with anyone

I was the one who started to get sick,

I started to feel worse and worse

The doctor said he had to start me on treatment,

or the consequences would be fatal

And that sounded like a gift from heaven

It might sound horrible, but that's what it sounded like

Then, when I felt very sick, I decided

to let myself

to let myself die

I thought that if I were to die like that,

I wouldn't be to blame

And that's how it was

I didn't go back to the doctor, and I started feeling very sick

I smelled horrible

I had cervical cancer

And even then,

he continued to rape me

I remember being raped

the exact day I left the hospital after having a hysterectomy

That rape made me go back to the hospital

the day after my operation

Things happen that you can't predict

Once, I met up with a friend

who was a doctor

We hadn't seen each other in a long time,

and he remembered his university friend

and compared her with the woman he was meeting -

pale, thin, sick

So, we had a coffee, and I snapped

I talked about what was happening

I didn't want to continue living, that was the truth

At that moment, not even for my kids

You think your kids will be better off with someone else

I'll be back

Honey, where are you going?

- Hey Where are you going? - To run some errands

I had two operations

Everything's going to be all right

When I came out, I was very sad, very depressed, because

it was like I wasn't even able to do what I wanted to do

which was to die

Well, there's always an energy, something, the spirit

I don't know

I came out physically exhausted,

but spiritually there was something there

- Where were you? - Nowhere

which was growing, and which gave me strength

I began to take steps I'd never taken before,

I went to places I'd never gone to before

I sought protection for my kids, I sought protection for my home

Yes

Defend even the roof over our heads

You need to tell him to sign here

And with the help of people nearby

I did it

I did it, and I started to pick myself up

Sign there

It was a turning point

An opportunity to take back my life

He finally signed it

That period of your life, where you say,

"I'd like to forget that," but, in fact, I don't want to forget it

because perhaps it made me stronger

I rose from the ashes, like a phoenix

And it was wonderful

For the first time, I felt free

I no longer belonged to my parents, nor to my husband

I recovered my courage, my love for life

The best thing of all is that

the middle didn't kill the end

And now, being able to smile again

and to talk freely and openly about these topics

it even makes me feel proud

It's that freedom

to be from the heart that's ageless, and genderless,

and it's free from all the impositions

we all supposedly have, whether we're men or women

If the fairy godmother came and told me

that she would grant me the wish to return

to any moment of my life

I'd say, "I want a different wish"

Because, in fact, I like to be where I am in this moment

But yes,

right now, let's hope the Devil's not listening

I'm very happy

Every time I doubted this body

Because it was always awake

Every look that was imposed on me

For what was taken from us, what was ours

Each habit that now, after some time,

I am realising it was not true

In this memory I keep, never in vain,

The things that hurt in case they are forgotten

Those who don't remember will be condemned

To keep in the untenable

And now I deserve, loud and clear

What I have been through to be told and understood

And now that it burns, now that it burns,

Leave the doors open,

Let the air flow freely,

For in this body there is endurance,

And may they remember in oblivion

That neither today nor ever is it too late

So much enduring a time that was dark,

A past that makes the future now

Be long, be short, be uncertain,

Not wanting the silence of what was hard

And to break the ceilings and the walls,

Let this story be heard, for the ones who couldn't

And now that it burns, now that it burns,

Leave the doors open,

Let the air flow freely,

For in this body there is endurance,

And may they remember in oblivion

That neither today nor ever is it too late

And now that it burns, now that it burns,

Leave the doors open,

Let the air flow freely,

For in this body there is endurance,

And may they remember in oblivion

That neither today nor ever is it too late